Monday, 27 June 2016

Blue/Jacket 13

Alex just shakes his head.

“Sorry, I had a horrible hookup.” He pauses. And I just stare at him, confused on what is going on and all of the courage I've once had is long gone. I feel regretful that the topic is changed even from my mind and now that I must be compassionate and that is what is wrong with me. I shift from one man to another in hope of finding some fulfilment and love. But Alex is going on in his wave and I don't interrupt him further. “Basically it was my first proper hookup, y'know...”

He doesn't flinch as he takes a sip of the hot tea, looking right past me on his round table, standing tall.

“Grindr and all such finesse. I even had to go quite a fair number of stations away, because I figured that he was worth it. He seemed nice and all I did was trust him in that. Basically it all lasted rather little, he came in me twice and that was it. He didn't bother to make me come. He just... showered, went out in his underwear and said he was done for the day. That was fucking it.” Alex cringes, closing his eyes. He opens his brown eyes, still bewildered from the whole action which was happening on him. “Basically I'm talking about it to everyone, I really feel used and uncomfortable... So you came in time.”

He speaks in long pauses.

“I'm happy it was you, not Jamie. He would've judged me. Not to mention I got a call from my mother.” He quickly scans me, as if trying to find whether to reveal much more information but I see that he's really tired, so Alex closes his eyes again. “I've forgiven her.”

He doesn't state why.

“So... she asks me, how are you Alexander, and all I can say is that I'm fine. I can't really tell my mother no matter how stained the relationship is that a bad hookup had managed to really ruin me for a good while.” I let him speak. I listen. “I'm so sorry. I just really feel horrible.”

“I'm sorry.” I pause. Maybe he isn't the man of my dreams and neither am I of his? “It's not your fault that he came within minutes. He was just a really bad fuck. I've never... had hookups. I'm trans, I think there aren't too many men who would sleep with me.”

“Jamie sleeps with you.” Alex says gingerly, more at the fact that I am fucking his ex and I just feel taken back and a bit protective of my sand watch boyfriend, which I seem to be tilting over whenever the time runs out for my patience. I don't notice as I drum my fingers on the table. I feel annoyed and I know that he's hurt. I know that he's hurt. I stand up, looking at my tea.

“But I dream of you.” It's dramatic and we lock eyes. “I expected Jamie to be transphobic, since he's Brazilian. I stereotyped him.”

I babble.

Alex just crooks his head to the side, looking at me.

“What do you mean, that you dream of me?” The words are so simple but he takes time to choose them and speaks in pauses.

I really feel like leaving even if he feels like crap from his actually shitty hookup. But this seems to be the best slap in the face and wake up call. We stand with the round table between us.

“I've always dreamt of you.” I clutch the table. “I always have. Ever since I was a child. You in your One for the Road jacket. I always wanted to meet you and I did. That's why I talked to you. That's why I became friends with Jamie. That's not why I slept with him. That's why I made you my friend. I wanted to know why you stalked my dreams. I wanted to know you.”

Alex looks at me like a madman. He looks around, as if there could be another clone of him. Instead he stares at me, deeply deeply confused. I don't know what else to say, so I just excuse myself, from what I understand like his hookup made him leave. I just want to go back to the sleeping Jamie and feel some regret, as if it were my hookup and I had decided to come back to my loving boyfriend which would make me come every damn time and never feel used again.

I take too long to find the keys and Jamie opens the door, glancing jealously at Alex's unlocked door but doesn't say anything, just lets me in to my apartment. I briefly think how thankful I am to have found an apartment in Stockholm with the ongoing crisis. It's weird to see the world fall and somehow find a safe haven. I just glance at Jamie, who decides to go barefoot to Alex's, most likely to ask him if I were over, which ends up with Alex going to close the door and the two previous lovers meet.

“I had the worst hookup ever.” I think I would be complaining as well, but not as straightforwardly. Jamie just looks rather confused, glancing back at me and shrugging, as if telling Alex to go on and we all stand outside Alex's apartment as he tells the tale once more, of the guy not touching him and how now he is just driving himself up the wall with frustration that he even decided to have a hookup which ended so badly, with a guy he mocked as awkward in his head before they got to the bedroom. I feel so innocent, compared to both of them and how shyly Jamie slips that he regrets sleeping with Jack, which causes Alex to state that at least it wasn't a bad hookup and Jack had made him come, to which Jamie just agreed.

“But we all have our sex regrets. It's like sex tapes, they're all nearly filled with regret.” I felt a bit uncomfortable, wondering if I were a regret, but at that moment Jamie put his arm around my shoulder and rubbed it. I wondered what else did he mean and would I eventually end up wrapped up in that pile, I wondered. I couldn't help but think, is a regretful hookup worse than a bad relationship? At least the person didn't deceive you, so the question was what was the worse by the end of the day? But I didn't ask that aloud, instead I heard Alex slap his face and say how during any sort of one time flings he would compare the boys to different things, one had a fox face and this one had a stingray dick, the tip was far too big compared to the rest. Jamie couldn't help but laugh and say that he would never even utter that aloud, I said that I would.

“What if I should leak the nudes I sent, because self-leaking is better, right?” Jamie slapped his face, as Alex asked it, causing me to be a bit lost between the two men. At the same time I felt sad that Alex spoke about his hookup instead of asking what were the dreams between me and him, but I could see that he kept looking at me, holding his soft brown gaze every time he'd decide to glance any way near my way.

“No, Alex, no one is going to leak anything. Specifically stingray dick.” And Jamie burst into laughter, causing Alex to go red, watching Jamie cover his eyes and keep laughing a bit too long, as if he was hiding something. Maybe he was far too curious why did I go to Alex's after us bonding so well.

I couldn't help but wonder or rather if I knew a couple, I would always picture them fucking, just to know how it was, how it looked like and for some reason it would give me some sort of insight, so I glanced at both my lover and his previous lover, picturing them groaning against each other. It was even something close to a sexual fantasy of mine, but far too sinful to fully branch out in mind.

I look at both of them and the problem is that I've still got bad days, days when I wonder what if I am doing the wrong thing. I feel as if I'll never be a man by looking at them. These thoughts specifically followed me as I would think deeply about coming out to my parents and I would lay in bed, tucked in and asking myself why would I just give up everything and the desires seemed short-sighted.

Sometimes I feel like what if it is not my story to tell when it happens between two men because I get so insecure about who I am, whenever I paint, I just understand that the discrimination I face is different, but is it really when I had my parents yell that if I were to have children I shouldn't because gay men should never have children since there is no mother?

And what is the role of a mother?

Why is it so crucial?

It reminds me of silence, a blank canvas and a ticking clock. It just happens.

Same goes for the father and never will I deny my love for them or the memories I've shared, but the questions drag on as the relationship is odd just with the fact that I am living my life as who I am rather than someone who they would prefer.

I think again of gay men and I happen to be one. Is it because of the discrimination? Is that all it takes for me to be a man?

Is hatred the thing which defines us?

I knew that if I were to ask Jamie that question he would just soothe me, depending on where we were, taking my hand and rubbing his thumb against the back of my palm. It's odd to see how quick he picked up on my dysphoria and how he would pay attention to see what to say, even if he was lost at it in the beginning and it never occurred to me that it could turn out to be so small as if it were an insecurity, even if it feels as big as the world to me.

I don't know where the desire to experience someone else or something else comes from, it becomes something which consumes you and it's always a matter of time before I'll give in. I keep thinking of Alex and his jacket and how he's no longer wearing it because winter is upon us and he's got this cute coat with anchor buttons which I don't know where he got from and everyone seems so nicely coated and I tell myself that I'm thankful that puffy jackets are gone until I go out on the street and I regret so many people's fashion choices.

I happen to deal with so much regret on Jamie's behalf, feeling that sooner or later I'll taste Alex.

But then he's the one on the cards.

What happens to Jamie? Is he the lost card?

Eventually Jamie and Alex come to a conclusion that the guilt will soon vanish, so Alex waves it off, even if he doesn't feel any better.

Sometimes I wonder if I could go back and retell all my story, at least to myself, to hear myself speak it and see myself with longer hair, trying on makeup, enjoying dolls and ask myself was I really happy or was it because I hadn't known better? I ended up spending my teenage years watching superhero movies because I had missed on them, watching them and confusing my parents. Pulling my hair into ponytails until I had the courage to cut it, feeling too annoyed at the feeling of hair against my neck.

I rub my eyes, way too sad to wake Jamie up even if he suffers from insomnia as well, so when I turn around I see him staring at me, even if he's clearly trying to sleep. So we talk a bit and both agree that tea would be beneficial for both of us. I make passionflower tea for both, as Jamie seems to be in a listening mode. I wonder if Alex would ever fit as well, but I keep such thoughts to myself.

I should be the one wary of the guilt.

I'm in love with another man and it doesn't seem like a love triangle which will ever resolve properly in two men in love with me.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll just fall into a nightmare which will take me away, as I hold the hot tea in my hands, never leaving my gaze off Jamie's dark green eyes. It makes me think of how common green eyes should be there, making mine look so plain and I guess his look plain where he comes from.

I always feel like crying but the testosterone had made it impossible for me to cry and I think of that every time I inject it, hearing my mom's words of disapproval and wondering how much happier would I had been as a straight woman. But I wouldn't. I'd be lost and the sex scared me always.

Jamie keeps looking at me and I don't know where has my love gone, how come it was wrapped up and now the wrapper is empty.

The problem is that humans are never satisfied, that's why we go on and every day can never pause, that's why we get so many problems to resolve and so many misfortunes.

We never confessed, we played with affection and attraction.

If I never try, I will never know.

I've talked to myself.

I take the cup of tea and invite Jamie to the balcony as he smokes.

Maybe he's the one I love.


I kiss him and I feel too much, but as soon as it ends Alex crawls on the borders. I'm like youth, I feel like a teenager again eager and scared of marriage because it should be so far away.

“I'm sorry I'm too estranged by my own thoughts.” I tell Jamie, watching and as if searching for a sunrise but the world is too dark and we are engulfed in black. I don't know what else to tell him as I feel like I've kissed the cigarette as well, as Jamie just drops the ashes off the rails, leaning against the rails. I know that he's got his own thoughts, his own doubts and his own love for Alex which was terminated so abruptly and I wonder if I will be the one to commit the same thing and I can only imagine being on top of Alex, him with his eyes closed, mouth open and I want him.

I even start thinking of Nick, wondering how he looks and recalling when I just moved in how I would look at photos of him. I wondered about everyone else, how would they react knowing that who they had kissed is actually a trans man?

After Nick I had felt that I would never even have a gay man look at me, but I guess it varies from country to country. I would miss him so much that I would try to find him in strangers or I felt if I could go to the airport that I would find him there and we spoke briefly when I moved to Sweden but soon enough we stopped and it just made my heart ache. What if we had continued talking? Because I had known so many secrets from him. Maybe somehow he would realize that I was just as much of a man as anyone else was?

“Sorry.” And Jamie is watching me as he's about to finish smoking and I try to collect all my thoughts in order to properly speak to him, but I don't even know where to start. My mind just keeps shattering itself and it's as if I can't even trust myself, which is desperately true.

But what if it's just because I can't talk to anyone at all? Would I manage to speak to Alex about it? Would I manage to talk to myself about it?

I don't like to think of talking to myself because I always imagine myself sitting opposite and I don't like the look of myself.

I feel as if the only solution is to reintroduce myself and start talking about everything I've ever gone through. I keep looking at Jamie, as the only movement is his dragging his cigarette. What if it will be Jamie all along?

“What's bothering you, Miles?” He asks me finally and I don't really drop his gaze. I try to at least organize my thoughts and try to understand what can I even speak of, but nothing comes out of my mouth at first and I feel desperately tired.

What's wrong with being a woman?

Was asked by my mother and I could see her lips uttering those words.

“Memories.” And I wish I could somehow end with this, both of talking and everything, but nothing ever ends, life goes on with it's twists and turns. “I just... remembered how my mom went ballistic that I didn't want to be a woman anymore.”

I smirk.

“I've always been a man. I just didn't know how to tell it.” I shrug. “I was way too scared. I thought that I would be sent to a psychiatrist to be told that everything I think is wrong, that it's a phase just like mom is saying.”

I know he's listening and it's odd not to be talking to a wall anymore.

“It's not even just mom, it's as if everything has an issue with me... Besides you, Alex and Jack. Maybe some other people.” I shrug. “But it's as if everyone has an issue with trans people, it's so bad that no one flinches when there is a bad transphobic joke on television, no one bats an eyelash if it's directed at trans men.

I don't know.”

He just pulls me closer to him. I try to listen but instead feeling his thin shirt under my fingertips becomes far more soothing than words of how ignorant people are and how I shouldn't pay attention and by the end of the day fight for my rights, just like we all gay men do. It makes me feel together again.


I wrote the remaining 1.6 k of this chapter in one sitting, so please understand that I am awfully tired from it, since I really wanted to update today. I know the updates are quite unpredictable, I'd recommend following my tumblr since that's where I update it or just keep checking the blog really x) and if there's a story you're dying for an update just nudge me, no matter how long it has been since it's been updated. 

I will whine until the end of time, but I'm actually done whining about it, so I'll just keep going on in other parts of the backstory. 

The story is coming closer to it's final arc and frankly it's a rather big story which I am awfully proud of, so I'm quite happy about that so it was only a matter of time until Miles would tell Alex and they're in this lovely odd dance, so I'm good x) I'm happy about how it turned out. 

Miles speaking of sex tapes was a reference to the Kills' Blood Pressures being called Sex Tapes at first. 

I picked up Blue/Jacket today because I kept thinking about my own parents and their refusal to accept me, so I kept going over and over it in my head and decided that I should pour it out into the story and that's what I did. So I guess thanks to transphobia, it made me write xD No seriously, no one should ever deal with this bullshit ever. 

Shout out to Radiohead's new album which is frankly their worst album for sure, but it was a great listen and inspired this chapter. Quite bittersweet of me to say, but it's true. 

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you



Tuesday, 21 June 2016



“Alright.” It's as if we are both mimicking each other and I can't even recall which one of us decided to stretch out their hand and who even shook it. All I knew that I was staring down at it, as if this were some cruel joke and tears were building up in my eyes.

I somehow had happened to hold the tears until I had gotten back to the student accommodation and cried my entire heart out, knowing that we just didn't manage to fit together and that someday I would find someone else. I told myself that it would be as early as summer, but that didn't happen. All of summer was locked up and earning extra money, enough for me to buy a phone on a plan since the previous one had stopped receiving Wi-Fi. I didn't want to ask anyone and somehow selling baked goods was enough to get it all out of my mind. Well, for a while when there was a time when the customers would actually come in and then I would imagine what else had they gone through and what was the reason they had gone with a pastry today.

I had also went down to Sainsbury's and bought a bunch of baked goods which didn't taste too good, but went well with strawberries as I had no ice cream craving. The problem with break-ups is that just like puzzles they always end up different than the picture they present on the box, with far more detail and a lot of time to end up wasting. I didn't watch anything or even turn on the computer, turning off the phone because I knew that Nick would never ever call again and I didn't want anyone else. I figured that the whole world could wait. I knew that the year would start and that would be it. With every small milestone I would tell myself that I'd find someone else, anyone even for a while seemed like a solution.

I even thought of shaving my head, just so that I knew that the curls he held were long gone.

There would be no reason we would run into each other and even if we would he'd avoid me. But every night to fall asleep I have to think of Nick, just to fall asleep again otherwise it becomes a disaster of intertwining thoughts which ask me why hadn't I tried, why hadn't I told him that all couples go through this. That arguing is okay, maybe even one fight is okay.

I usually just turn around to face the wall and trace my fingers over all of the photos which now have my ex boyfriend missing, it's smiling faces with people I'm no longer friends with. I've had a small group of friends, but it was dissolved rather fast. It always happened like that, it wasn't even because I was gay, it just would never work out. I wouldn't want to hang out and smoke weed, so that had been it. I would try to relax instead or go running around the old city part.

I don't think I'll ever believe that a LGBT person never tried going to one of those LGBT meetups. I think we're all desperately lonely and going to one makes us think that somehow we are less alone. I even sat in front of the computer one day and paid their membership fee, just to get to the board meetings, thinking that at least that would distract me, since I had no faith in my classmates and gay people danced more, so maybe that would be an advantage.

The first day of class was nothing and the days just ended up dragging themselves just as slow and my mind would make me paint scenarios where Nick was younger than me or would show up as any of my teachers and somehow that would be it. But instead I was greeted with less pleasant faces and no Nick. Instead I got a call from my mom saying how I should really try and converse with more people instead of binging shows. I just stared in silence, somehow recalling her saying that she had liked Nick.

The board has meetings every three weeks, so it becomes more of a torture to chew the days until then, because when you've got nothing to look forward to, you really don't have anything to look forward to. The group itself has two guys who desperately snog each other or smoke outside and somehow I end up clinging rather close to them. We don't talk much, but when we do it's just usual chatter and I know that Louis is older than I am because he had mentioned once. But I'm guessing the same goes for Liam.

I get to find out that the head of the committee or whatever is a kid with dyed blonde hair, who looks younger than all of us three combined, but I don't mind as the board meeting finally rolls in somehow. It's the usual bunch of a fair amount of older gay men, who I always imagine have slept among themselves, Louis and Liam who paid the entrance fee just because I asked so and unlike me they actually have a living. The kid starts everything by talking and telling us that we should already prepare for Pride even if it's been like three months after the one I attended with Nick last year.

Eventually the door slides open and I just keep looking at the footwear, before I hear a voice higher than my own and much older, apologizing and excusing himself for being late.

He's decided to dye his hair pink. He looks awfully lost and his eyes are fixed on me, like a lost puppy. Nick starts playing with the zipper up and down, as he is excused inside and he sits behind me. I turn my head around just to see my old ex boyfriend take off his jacket and try to ignore my gaze by quickly saying hi to Louis who sits right next to him.

Through the whole meeting which only discusses Pride, since nothing else seems to be rolling around, I keep glancing behind him and eventually I see Nick mouth a brief hi, putting his lips together in a thin line and nodding for me to pay attention. I start shaking briefly, a bit too anxious from seeing my ex who I am clearly not over. I try to tell myself that I can't look back to stare at his pink hair but I turn one of my numerous times to mouth a 'hi' back at him.

Once the meeting is over, Nick just leaves, excusing himself just as fast, not staying for any of the piping hot coffee or Liam's idea of somehow getting all of Pride on water, which is highly unappealing to anyone else besides his boyfriend, who is just agreeing to agree. Everyone just stays for a while with really bland chatter, which makes me wonder far too much what were he thinking and I can only imagine him going back, maybe playing with his hair, surely calling any of his friends who I would end up meeting far too often, listening to them telling embarrassing stories about Nick, who went around by Grimmy to them and I would call him that but once we broke up my brain would just stutter on calling him anything which someone close to him would.

The thing is when there is nothing going on, nothing really does happen, besides some anxiety and depression and the only desire is to tell someone how bad you feel, but I'm not close enough to anyone at this point and both me and Nick promised to delete each other's numbers off. Because who would want a rotten relationship back?

I end up getting some food to heat up from the said Sainsbury's nearby, not even bothering by the Tesco on the way. I just go past the strippers in their flashy transparent heels, not even doing a second glance as they giggle around and stand like advertisements. Sometimes I wish I would have a reason to stay outside, or possibly any other location which would require me to walk even further, maybe I shouldn't have taken the bus at all and spent a whole hour getting back to the accommodation by foot.

But it gets worse. The lessons drag heavily and now it's in far a deeper blur, that I don't even understand what I am even learning or why had I decided on these odd subjects. I keep thinking of Nick and wondering how good he looks in his pink hair and I start thinking of all scenarios that I would meet him under, because he also paid the fee and surely sooner or later we would have to talk and it's only a question of when and how this would happen. I end up crying again, this time on the bed, a few days in, waiting for more days to pass. I wonder if I should put anything at all to the ceiling just to make it cozier and less lonely. I also avoided a party to attend, since it was on the day of a regular meeting, but I guess that's why Nick is avoiding those, avoiding more socializing, probably made it around to the pub. I guess a risk by going to the one of the few gay pubs in town with Liam and Louis, but they're far more chatty than usual and the topic creeps on past relationships.

“Harry?” Liam asks me as I try to think what to even say when it comes to my love life which had started in my late teens around 17 and all up to now. I don't even know what to tell to my newly acquired two friends. Well, since we're drinking beer I would assume that I could call them that.

“Yeah.” I pause and then I look back at them. I am positive that it's written all over my face that I've got a desperately troubled past with my lover and that I would rather not mention it. I take a small sip and nothing still comes out. I put a hand to my hair, tugging on one of the curls. “I had a very rough break up.

I really loved him. But it wasn't meant to be.”

I sip again.

They both glance at each other, rather confused and at this point I find it rather hard to differentiate them just like anyone else. Everything seems so blurry and I hope that I won't just space out again, instead I smile briefly, praying for any other continuation of a conversation only in an another direction. But instead they hold the pause for me to speak, but I am sure that I don't want to speak of it ever again or maybe I am just not ready at all yet. I don't think anyone ever differs from a break up to other people. It's all the same misery and dragging, a lost sense of not understanding where did the other person go.

I look around, as if wondering if there is anyone at all spying on us and I just glance back at them, still entertained in the surroundings but it all lasts no longer than a second and then I actually decide to speak.

“It just went sour. We would fight over nothing at all. His shirt. My part-time jobs. The fact that we would spend too much time with his friends. The fact that we would spend too much time together. It was... everything.” I take another gulp, mentioning the one fight we had where we fucking pulled each other's hair over something that I can't even recall at all. As it was possibly one of the first ever fights we had, it was something which caused all of this crimson to blossom and we kept fighting over everything small. Once we fought over the wrong flavor of cupcakes given to us by the cupcake store.

“But every couple-”

“Fights. I know.” I interrupt Louis really fast. I've heard it before and I've heard it from all of Nick's friends before they decided that it was over and there was no longer a point in keeping up talking to me. I mean, what was the point? I was the ex and now there was nothing else to discuss besides the fact that I would be walking dazed and asking how Nick was. “But we just had to many... And we gave up.”

I forgave him, he never did and that was it.

I start listening to their fights and I just wish that somehow Nick would show up at this pub, but besides the LGBT meeting he never shows up, because then we would surely cause a scene.


This was the first story which I guess in all of the blog's history I posted elsewhere first, yeah, you can find it on AO3 as well as something else:) but the blog is still the main platform and the home of all the stories, so please don't worry.

I'm super nervous about how the story is doing on AO3 and how it will be doing later as well. So yeah.

Gryles actually is the only pairing I read these days. I really enjoy it and it's one of the best written ones I've come across. So I decided to try my luck and dip into a fandom which until recent I've only been a reader of and a very timid reader as well. 

I was stuck for a long while not knowing which plot should I use and then I kind of started reading some story and read like a paragraph where Nick broke up with Harry and that kind of stirred something in me by doing a story where they've broken up and that caught my imagination. Then I started thinking about university and college. Since the most recent memories I have of the UK is college I decided to stick Harry in college and go from there. 

Reconciliation is a very big theme in my stories, I guess, because I've been there a lot both on reconciliation which doesn't work and which does. So I quite like exploring that and I've also been trying to work more on my imagination, memories rather than hunting down experience (yes, I've learned my lesson hopefully). 

Another basis for the story was the numbness which I barely even recall was when I broke up with my first boyfriend until I got my second one, which was so bad that I don't even recall anything besides how excited I got when my friend at the time invited me to hang out with what then became my second boyfriend. Both were assholes, everything is a regret xD 

I'm quite a big fan of going to the LGBT scene to be honest and I've recently gone back to it, before I was quite into being just with Callie and now I'm quite open to friends and whatnot. And I've never actually had a story where I talk about LGBT groups and the LGBT scene and whatnot, so I wanted to put that significant part of my life here. 

In the UK the memebership wasn't paid, but it is here and that was a reason why Nick wouldn't bail out. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so

Thank you for all your support



Sunday, 19 June 2016


You can run out of love, just like you can run out of kisses. They can stop holding meaning or start holding far too much. But just like gum loses flavor so does love. That's why I'm always thinking of something else when she kisses me. It's always about the griping anxiety and now desire to get out of the train.

But it's also mechanic and loses flavor, pleasure becoming strict and wooden.

It's heavily exciting until the condom gets taken off and I'm left on my back on the bed, looking at the said room with the noise of the shower becoming the only noise. It doesn't even reflect anything in my head, only to be panic in a memory minutes later.

He comes back and tells me he's done for the day.

“You didn't make me cum.” I say, terribly turned on and sitting with a ridiculous hard on on the bed. The pause in the air only hints for me to leave. Not even giving me allowance of a few minutes to please myself and leave.

It lasted less than smoking a cigarette and he came twice.

I walk out with him guiding me through the maze of the bought apartments, with him in front.

Laughter still has to settle and I have the smell of condoms and the taste of an upper lip in my mouth.

And she kisses me again, she's grinning and laughing, not aware of the disaster I had done earlier.

Back when the concert is done, she just sits opposite to me and I can't help but stare at her mouth. Because it's all over. I've been with her without touching her at all.


The story was called Siberia just not to be called Siberian Nights frankly xD

I half-dreamt the story, the idea came to me somewhere in the middle of the night when I was half awake when I thought of two story lines like these to compare. 

I kept thinking through the days how much I miss the old tension between The Kills and there was some quote said by Jamie that "when you know that you'll never become lovers" something like that, that it was what happened between them two and well, I'm one of those who point and yell liars, but I wanted to expand on that thought, what if they never were together and what kind of place would they be now and how the love and tension just wore itself out.

I whine, I whine a lot. That's where the bad hookup comes from, because it's just something I deeply regret and made me think whether I even want an open relationship anymore, which is silly because the only bad thing was that it was short and the guy didn't make me cum, which is very personal to talk about, but y'know it happened. I whine, I write about such things. I promised to be open and it really made me think of what extent do I even want to hunt for stories because I realized that it's a lot of what I do. I really do hunt for bad relationships and I should really stop that and enjoy a good one. 

I hope you enjoyed this really odd short piece and thank you for all your support