Saturday, 30 November 2013

To Miles 17

The morning is surrounded in a bunch of puns, standing in queue for the shower with Miles as Julian tries to shave Carlos for the fuck of it, but Carlos seems to think that he had done everything to deserve this as we still get praise for the drag show, which seems to be ages ago and I don’t even recall doing the obscure waltz with Miles anymore, all I can feel is Hince’s words and as I had been walking back I had met him and he had nodded at me. When I was heading up to the turret I had be given a very small note, saying to see him and my day was bound to be surrounded by this. Going up to Julian seemed awful and betraying, while I had not known Ezra or Cookie properly, they had still seemed to haunt me but Julian seemed like a low blow even to myself even if I could live with sending over people off. 

Carlos gets sent off to get the buoy and Miles just seems tempted to shoot at the poor boat instead to which I’m sure Carlos would flip at all of us, but instead we all wait and I just see Captain Hince out of the corner of my eye who approaches Miles, after giving me a small smile, puts his hand on the Chief Petty Officer’s shoulder and whispers something into his ear, while his eyes still locked on mine and it makes me feel too uncomfortable and I either want to shoot Carlos even more or I want to be the one in the raft. 

I glance away even if Hince desperately tries to make eye contact with me and I see Miles shakes his head. Julian just looks at me confused as Pete and Carl just sit on the deck, smoking, knowing that someone will eventually alert them when Carlos is back and when we should all get back to our positions. 

Carlos eventually gets back and we all have to depart as Hince checks on all the turrets from while to while, making me nearly miss the damn buoy, but I hold myself as Carlos loads some shells and then sits near the door, smoking and not even looking if I’m getting the target to which Captain Hince approaches me. I feel him near me, but I stay near the sights, feeling my anxiety levels rise and I wonder how come he hadn’t told anyone about Ezra, but instead Hince just watches me and when he leaves I finally shoot and I start coughing, realizing that I’ve been holding my breath for far too long. 

I do feel like I’ve punched myself in the stomach, after everything is over, the buoy is long gone and we all get petted on the head by Miles and Hince is long gone, but in mind he still walks around smoking cigarettes and reading some daft russian novel. I wonder how long can I slack off and I can’t even tell myself to flirt with Julian, who asks me a few questions which I don’t think I even answer besides the one about me having a lighter and he just watches me. I wonder how much is he even attracted to me, how much regret will he have and we’re alone in the turret, as he seems to be entertained by the shells and I wonder why are we even still here. 

Once he gets closer to me, I stand up feeling fear explicitly on my lips and I just smile and I walk past Julian to increase my pace and soon enough I’m up on the bridge, shaking again as I knock on Captain Hince’s room, as if knowing that he wouldn’t be on watch, I don’t think he’s ever even done anything else than read novels, I wonder how come he even is Captain and when I open the door, I see that his hair is damp from a recent shower and he motions for me to head inside and he stands way too close to me, which makes me feel too uncomfortable. I notice his dark red robe. What if it was someone else? Maybe then he just wouldn’t open. 

“I can’t go too vocal about Ezra, m’boy, after all, people might doubt God and that is not something we want now, because war is approaching, war can be seen and well, you get two effects either people believe in God or they don’t and frankly, you don’t want to send people to hell, give them the doubts do you?” It’s more of a rhetorical question and he sits down, as I look at his desk, trying to find the book, but everything seems to be scattered and eventually I see short stories by Chekhov which doesn’t seem like a far off idea for his mind, so I just let my eyes rest there until I feel his hand on my chin and I am forced to look into his eyes.

“I want someone else to send off, boy.” And frankly what he is doing doesn’t seem too heterosexual and natural, if that’s what he wants to call it. His eyes flick onto my lips and he grins to himself. “So who shall it be today, Turner?”

I feel too uncomfortable and I don’t say anything and I shake my head.

“Or do you want me to give you a name?” He leans in closer to me. “Because I can give you a name.”

I just stand still.

“I’ve got a man in mind.” And I feel like I’ve shot myself in the leg and I know that it will get cut off and that then I will keep bleeding, which will be with the sound of eternity hissing in my ears. 

“Well, did you fuck him then?” Hince asks against my lips and I give up, closing my own eyes, I’m not stupid, I know that he’s above and he can just give me up, he can tell everything, I am gay and he knows it. He’s holding me firmly by the cheek and I keep my eyes closed, his breath against my lips. “I know, who else would be doing this job, m’boy? Only a man who enjoys another man. I know.”

And he kisses me.

It is a kiss.

But it’s revolting as he crushes his body against my own, letting his hands wander and I don’t do much, I know what I have to do and I kiss him back, my hands trembling as he takes them and pins them above my head, his mouth going down to my neck. 

“I-I didn’t, sir. But-” Hince presses another kiss against my lips. It doesn’t even feel like a kiss, it’s too metallic and it gets worse when he slides his tongue in and his hand goes to my pants and I just lean back and I open my eyes to look at him and 

it’s bizarre, looking into the eyes of someone possessive and he reminds me of Ezra somehow, only he has a different veil on, something with Captain of the ship written in bold letters. I glance down to see his boner and frankly, I know it’s going inside me and it makes me even more uncomfortable. I wonder if by going on my knees that would get me slightly out of this but the perspective of holding his cock in my mouth is even less appealing. I wonder if my decision even has a weight in this.

“Miles Kane. He’s gay as far as I know and I’m sure he’d love to sleep with you, m’boy.” And my blood freezes as Hince watches me.

“What?” He smirks and presses a kiss against my cheek, licking it. I focus my vision on the Chekhov book, my mind trying to recall some short story but all of them had been so horrid that I had chucked them out of my mind as soon as I could and I just lean back to look at Hince, trying to soften my gaze.

I give out someone else though.

“I think Pete and Carl are fucking.” And I kiss him, feeling like a mass murderer. I’m the boy with the rifle. 

He presses me against the wall.

“I’ll bring them both.”

“Just not Kane, right, Turner?” He’s playing a game, it’s a game for him, it’s like a student in love with a teacher, he’s toying with me and I’m his to some extent. I kiss him harder and I wonder where the fuck do I turn as I let him take off my pants and I feel way too naked as my shirt is discarded and I open his robe, quickly grabbing his cock and hoping that I will be able to erase this from my own mind and I wonder how would I have felt many years ago the only cock I’ve ever touched then being my own and dreaming of Matt’s. 

I go on my knees and I hope it’s enough even if I am naked. 

He tugs on my hair way too much and he wants me to take more, so I hardly hold from gagging, but I manage somehow and I feel myself randomly counting to make sure this is over sooner, I even start counting faster or sometimes slower, to relax myself from thinking that he is surely taking his time and soon enough, when I feel him thrust too hard, I hope all of this will be over, but instead he yanks me back up and frenches me and I feel bizarre holding the older Captain as he nods onto the bed and I just pale up.

“Stop making that face, I’m sure you’ve been fucked.” Hince mocks me as I am pinned against the bed and I just keep kissing him as he runs his hands through my hair and I want my comb all of a sudden, my mind entirely wandering elsewhere, I want this over with and I lean my head back as I feel himself position and I just spread my legs.

He goes inside and I resume the counting as Hince starts biting my neck and he takes my cock in his hand. Well, that’s charming and I just sigh, close to a yawn before he goes inside me and I try to keep my breathing even, I try to relax myself as there isn’t much of a moment before he’s in and he harshly starts thrusting. 

I wonder if I can ask him to slow down, but soon enough I get used to it and I stare at the ceiling as he moans against my neck. Then he takes me by the chin again and kisses me again, I hold myself from pulling away and I know he won’t last long and he doesn’t. I shut my eyes as he comes inside me and I breathe deeper, trying to focus on my breathing as he still keeps stroking my cock up and down. Hince collapses on my shoulder and mumbles for me to come. I push him aside slightly, getting the hair off my forehead as he still works on my cock and I wonder what the fuck do I do.

I take his hand off and start jerking myself off, watching him and I hope he just won’t get hard again and I just close my eyes, I want to keep Miles out of it, so I just imagine someone random sucking me off and I come, it’s not too great, but I achieve what Hince had wanted.

He goes on top of me and I’m scared we’ll go through round two. 

“You should keep yourself for the other men, though.” And he frenches me again. 

Of course, the one against the gays is gay himself and I wonder about his wife.

“Still, bring me Pete and Carl by tonight, otherwise I’ll even send you off myself.” He strokes my cheek. “No matter how good of a fuck you are, I can always get a new one.”

He bit my neck, shoved my clothes in my arms and told me to dress up as he watched me and I couldn’t even feel more violated as his green eyes were directed at my cock, as my whole body was screaming for a shower and I didn’t even feel like crying. I just wanted to turn on the hot water and go underneath it. He just told me to make sure that I had both of them and that I had enough energy for him to fuck me again if he wished so. He even repeated his habit of grabbing me by the chin, forcing his lips shut against my own, proud of himself of his young toy boy sailor.

I left Hince in a hurry, nearly running down the stairs, putting my hat on as I made a run for the bunks which had Julian walking around bored and I shoved Julian away as he tried to ask me something and I apologized grabbing all of my clothes, ignoring his confused questions, merely replying that I needed a shower. Jules had followed me though, concerned after all I had a bewildered look in my eye and even I had only went under the shower, Julian was still asking me questions as I sat on the floor of the cubicle, turning up the water as hot as I could, trying to muffle out both Hince and Jules. 

I even closed my ears with both my hands as Julian opened the curtain to see me shaking and he just looked behind before he himself stripped off his clothes and I stared at him naked.

“Julian, not the best...” But he was already in and he sat besides me. 

“I never managed to get caught.” You shithead, you just did, but I don’t say anything, glancing at him. I can’t tell anything, but instead I smile at his gentle self and I just sigh, wanting a cigarette and just when I wonder how is Jules doing with the heat he stands up to decrease the heat. 

I stand up and I take the soap to which Julian takes from me and I just swallow watching him get closer, my lips feel invaded, my whole body is bizarre and foreign to me now as Julian strokes my cheek and starts washing me with the bar of soap as I watch him do so, feeling excited which is odd and I watch the younger man and I’ve got a bizarre tingling feeling in my chest as I watch him.

He goes on his knees.

Shit, Julian don’t and I pull him up which causes the opposite reaction I had expected and I wonder how the fuck do people not think the navy is not gay as he presses me against the wall and I shiver from the cold wall, as the water had not yet warmed it up properly yet Julian’s lips are against my own and it’s weird having something Miles had and I wonder if I kiss deep enough if I will feel my lover, but I don’t, yet I still keep kissing him, wondering if Julian will do for Pete and Carl. I wonder why hadn’t Hince gone for Julian, when Julian seems to be a better kisser than I am and as Miles had put it, has a hot ass. I try to shove Miles away and I wonder how long do I have to shove him away, what if because I’m shoving him away, that’s why Matt is creeping on me?

Because I had been shoving away Matt for so long, that he sees the gap so he appears, the damn fuck. 

I don’t think I know what I’m doing with making out with Julian and soon enough I lean back, still exhausted and water pretty much between us. I press my forehead against his shoulder and I wonder how the fuck do I tell him to fuck off, how do I simply tell him that not now and if he were to be now he’d be off the ship and maybe even wherever they are keeping Ezra and I wonder if I should even try and see if he’s still in church and I wonder if I can even pray.

Julian still keeps looking at me, full of hope. I wonder if he’s fallen for me and sometimes when you feel depressed, the feeling that someone else might love you in empowering, as I keep brushing Miles off in my mind. I kiss Jules again, regretting and I know we should stop.

“Not now, love.” I say against his lips, looking into his dark eyes with a small smirk, outplaying myself and we just shower pretty fast, acknowledging that we might get caught even if Jules said he never happens to get caught. He hesitates because I’ve been refusing him and I can’t really tell him, do you know what Jules, it’s for your own good. In the end Miles finds us as we are dressing up and he observes both of us, juggling with a few thoughts in his head and once Jules leave, he tries to ask me something, but I just pretend to be interested in putting on my shirt and I avoid his glance. 

We keep our silence.

“We need to clean our guns.” He says quietly and leaves in the end and I wonder how obvious, but then everything is obvious and I try to recall exactly how he had looked, but I don’t think it had dawned on him yet and I know that I’m an asshole.


Quoting my gf, this is the calm bit before the storm, trust me.


I WON NANO!!!!!!




Anyway, I was thinking to just have Hince here, but then Juju's scene isn't too big so I chucked it in, again keep the calm bits here.

I asked my gf hey so who puts the buoy in place and her answer was simply send off Carlos which was my original idea, so yeah xD

What was going to happen between Al and Hince was long planned and was nearly decided after I've decided about that one stand he had with Miles before, so yeah. 

Basically the events unfolding here are the start of the angst pretty much and I guess set up the scene for part 2, so yeah. Obviously there will be some light chapters, I hope, but a lot of angst ahead :\ 

It's weird to talk about these chapters without mentioning what's ahead, I'm serious xD

I'll be honest, I feel horrible for Julian and he was meant to be the first one off, I think Cookie was intended to be the second, Ezra just… err happened xD so yeah and I really like Julian in this story a lot and yeah, I feel bad for everyone. 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and tomorrow it will be basically the heaviest (or second) heaviest chapter, actually there is a bunch ahead so yeah, but yeah. I just finished writing the other chapter to reach the word count so I am pretty sad xD

Thank you for this November :3


To Miles 18

Friday, 29 November 2013

To Miles 16

The door is opened and light takes over the room as both me and Miles makes bizarre vampire noises, pulling the sheets over us and cover our eyes to which I hear a familiar pace and apologies as he heads towards us. It takes me a while to pull them a bit down and I see a smiling Julian. 

“Join in.” Miles yawns, as he motions and I honestly wonder how the fuck would my lone bunk bed handle one more person, when it is barely holding both of us. Julian instead just nods above, suggesting that we could just sit on the top bunk and even take the opposite bunk, so we all just climb above and sit up and I feel a bit sleepy and I still wonder of the time, but then I had one of those days when you fall asleep at seven p.m. just to forget everything.

Julian passes his cigarette pack, as we all take one and use the lighter one at a time.

“So, what are you talking about so intensely that you pretty much dumped all of us back there?” Julian smirks and then Pete walks in, waving at all of us, heading towards his coffin locker and we both hold our silence as he takes out a towel and all his necessities, salutes us and leaves, humming something. Soon enough Carl follows and I wonder if they are coming inside here one at a time to seem less suspicious, but then everyone, I’m guessing is aware and I wonder if Hince knows.

It makes me shiver a bit and I hope since they weren’t caught yet they simply won’t be so reckless. 

“Just discussing who we’ve fucked before.” Jules just looks at me, interested and I wish I could hide under my bed covers and it feels bizarre because frankly the only other person who seemed interested was Matt or Lana while she’d dye her nails just to kill time and once I’d get graphic she’d tell me to fuck off, coz she didn’t want to know and frankly I wasn’t interested in what she did with Alison, as well, so we just left it as such, while the drama seemed appealing to her with all the break ups. 

“Oh. And who have you fucked, Al? Anyone on this boat?” Jules smirks to himself. “Coz I’ve got an ex on board-”

“Yeah, hi, Juju.” Miles pats him on the head. 

“No, well, you too, but like Albert, you know the cook, I wasn’t aware that he was even in the navy, we dated, well, messed around like many years ago and then I try to get food, so I stand in the queue and then I see Albert looking at me with this pissed face. I don’t want the pumpkin and I’m like Albert, can I not have it and he just gives me a double dose and tells me the ice cream powder is over.” Juju sulks and both me and Miles start laughing as I can only imagine Julian walking out with the pumpkin and with no ice cream and then comforting himself with candy he’s brought along. 

“How long did you guys date?” Miles’ curiosity takes over him, as Julian tries to do a smoke ring and fails, he tries to blow smoke out of his nose, holding it far too long and ends up coughing too much. 

“N...not too long. It was back in middle school, I guess I was an early bloomer.” Sounds ironic but the thought of Julian in his early teens already sucking someone off doesn’t seem to sting reality and seems pretty accurate. “But it was pretty much me saying that I like boys and he said he liked boys as well and we pretty much sucked each other off, but like I never knew... he held a grudge. I mean I did chose the football captain later on. Yeah, I guess that wasn’t too nice.”

“Was the football captain hot at least?” Miles smirks and I can’t help but imagine Julian with someone much bulkier and stereotypically masculine against his baby face. 

“Well, he had a good cock, if that’s what you’re interested in, his blow jobs were very sloppy though.” He smiles, recalling and shakes his head, getting away from the break up most likely. I watch them interact and I wonder how come they had managed to chuck sex between them, but then the level of connection is bizarrely high which I’d even say makes me jealous and I wish I was protected like that, but then I’ve got Matt, who confuses me sometimes, but then, I’ve got Miles.

I glance at Miles and we quickly exchange smiling glances and focus on the blushing younger man. 

“How sloppy?” Chief Petty Officer Kane asks, wondering as he watches Julian’s lips turn into a grin.

“He thought you just have to take it in as deep and gag, don’t ask!” He lifts his hand up, laughing with us, fond of the bizarre memory. I can’t imagine how Julian had felt and I don’t even know myself what I would’ve said as I’ve pretty much has sex with people who knew what to do and I’d get told by Paul pretty much what he had wanted from me and it was very sexy when he’d pull my hair, telling me to either suck or boom him. 

“That’s... odd. Did you tell him, though?” I ask Julian, smirking at the odd image. Julian keeps laughing as he shakes his head. 

“No, he kept trying to blow me a few times and then I just said I wasn’t into blow jobs.” He says while laughing as me and Miles observe him. 

“Then why were you with him?” I wonder if I can hear a note of jealousy in Miles’ voice but I don’t and I watch Julian explain Miles how he was still a good fuck, how he had been young and they still managed to have something until he had to leave for the navy, but they were never too attached, so he still crosses his mind sometimes, but it’s nothing massive and it fades out once you change sides on the bed. 

I watch them and I wonder myself, but even for Paul, he had been my first and Jack was a consolation prize for never getting Matt, even if we’ve had so many moments on the edge and we’ve even shared a cigarette when we were younger, saving up money and he’d tell me how he wanted to fly and it wouldn’t be too long and I had flirted with the idea myself, but I think it had just been because it had been attractive to see Matt talk of it and I guess I just wished that one day I’d be in the back, hearing him mock me one way or another. 

“What about you, Al?” And even if Miles knows, the eyes are still focused on me and I just chew on the tip of my cigarette, watching both men and it’s bizarre because if you told me years ago that I’d have two attractive men know which past they would be competing again, I’d laugh and I’d just be thinking of my own best friend. I wonder when will I even see his handwriting again, it sometimes becomes bizarre when I just take out his letters and trace the letters, feeling how the pen had pressed harshly against the paper sometimes. 

“Oh, I just told Miles about him, well, he’s a nice guy, I guess, but straight, we never headed off anywhere besides a kiss. Well, he’s a pilot in the navy. I guess if you get transferred to a carrier you’ll get him and his cocky grin.” I smile sheepishly to myself and I glance at Miles, who seems to tense up and looks away, not even inhaling the cigarette but he notices my gaze on him, so he just smiles back at me, still concerned and drenched in light jealousy and the past doesn’t seem so far away for him. 

“Oooooh.” Jules drags it on and elbows Miles, who just tries to hold himself and I wonder how jealous had I seemed to Matt when he had the girls over and I had to be there for a cover up until the girl would head in, I’d have to wait until they were done and then she’d sneak out and watching him post-coital was torturous and I still wonder how come I had never grabbed him, made out with him, made him hard again, how come I had held, knowing that someone else was doing it sloppily and even if the girls had been lovestruck,  highly doubted there had been something stronger than I had felt

and I still sometimes wonder how do I hold.

“You never told me Matt was a pilot.” Miles gives out and I just take my chance to look at the other bunk, wondering how much this had been feeling as if Matt had been in the room, I’m sure he’d have enjoyed it and cracked up a joke, but instead he’s not here and I can’t pull him close into a hug, feeling him wrap his arms around me so that I can pretend that he loves me back, for a split second I’ll even hold his blue eyes against my own and I’ll try to keep my mind wandering off in a split illusion, which he won’t share with me. 

“Um, yeah, he is. He’s on a carrier.” I run my hand through my hair, nothing pretty much held in place anymore and I don’t have my comb to bring it anywhere close to being in place, so I just leave it at such. Julian unlike the rest of us, actually still has traces of lipstick only it had gone in a big stripe both ways, which gives him a bizarre comic appeal, yet there is something revolting but with it being Julian, he manages to pull it off and he is still in the wreck of a dress and it matches the bed covers. 

“Well, if he’s a navy pilot, of course he’d be on a carrier.” Miles snaps lightly, anxiety slightly reaching his face as we can always get transferred to a carrier and it can always be Matt’s carrier, it can be anyone’s carrier or we could get Hince’s ship all the time, of course not, but in theory you can get any ship and nothing really becomes your hope or something might happen to your ship or I can pretty much send off the entire crew. 

“He could be on shore, training.” Julian shrugs and watches both of us, but he still seems clueless and when you don’t want to see you pretty much won’t see who is fucking who and who seems to be toying with their feelings.

“He’s on the USS Ranger, happy?” I smirk at Miles. And Miles just nods. 

“So, you never fucked him?” Julian interrupts us curious about the former Matt and I just shake my head, relieving Miles again. It’s bizarre how Julian holds the carefree present and Miles seems to be holding the jealous past and I start feeling sleepy and a bit uncomfortable talking all about Matt and once again with Juju and I feel Miles tense up with the fact that Matt could be with us. Well, he is with us, being my greatest non-lover lover. 

“No, not at all.” I mutter, wishing it would’ve happened because frankly ever since he lost his virginity to a girl, he’s been pretty much unstoppable and I’ve had to listen all the time about it, so it was me being there, I was the friend drinking the milkshakes as he would describe how he had heard of some new sexual position and how he had tried it and I would just raise my eyes at him, begging for him to stop as I was not interested in how nice had some girl felt and I’d just get back home to wonder why hadn’t it been me. 

And then even with Paul, it hadn’t been me, for Cookie or Ezra?

Fuck, for Ezra anyone was good enough and-

Ezra will be dismissed in the morning and causes me shivers as Julian starts asking questions,

if my hands had wandered off?


if I had seen him naked?


and Miles watching me. I started feeling anxious again, but thankfully Juju started talking about some other guy he had sucked off successfully on board before he had started dating Miles and the only thing which seems to attract me is his and Miles’ relationship even if I know it.

“How did you guys... you know... fuck?” I motion towards them and Miles just smirks. 

Julian smirks and looks at Miles and they don’t even look like former lovers, but literally two guys who had managed to share a fuck and it seemed too fitting for both of them and once the passion and thrill of fucking someone who you don’t love had died off, they had ended it with that jerking off session, it should be weird, maybe even while one being on top and then just shrugging it off, not because you don’t feel like it,

but because you don’t feel like it at all. 

“Oh, pretty much...” Miles grins with his crooked smile at Julian and they just grin, a memory which is still shared and I guess even fond of, maybe even used to jerk off and mentioned the other day when the hatch is jammed followed with a light shove, asking the other to shut the fuck up. 

“We fucked in the turret. I still have no idea how the fuck we got away with that.” Jules grins at his fuck buddy and Miles just lights a new cigarette and I watch his lips and I just have to blink to shove my thought away and it’s not really Jules and him in the turret anymore and I just cock my head to the side, amused at their stupid idea. 

“Why the fuck did you choose the turret?” I can’t help but laugh, but I hold myself to hear the full damn story. 

“Because I hadn’t fucked anyone yet and Jules was there...” Miles looks away.

“I was too sexy.” Julian gives out a conclusion. 

“Not really.” Miles shakes his head, smirking at his own pun, which causes a pout from the younger male who now gets his second cigarette during our intense gay men talk. 

“I was.” Is pretty much his argument.


“You fucked me.”

“So? I’m sure Hince’s number two gets some dick sometime.” And I wonder how does Hince’s number two look like and why would he be unappealing, but you do have unattractive men, even if there are days when you feel like you’ll pounce at anyone who is walking on the deck. 

“What I meant is that I was sexually appealing to you.” Julian implies with a weird hand motion to Miles and Miles just starts laughing. 

“Yeah, you had a nice ass, happy?” Miles smirks covering his eyes with his hands and I watch his fingers and I hold myself from tracing them and I just play with whatever is left of my own cigarette. Juju seems pleased though. We hold a silence even if we’ve got a bunch of lovers to unfold, but it seems like a story for some other time. Miles nags that we should all go to bed, because Hince mentioned that there will be some training very early in the morning and that we should all be prepared to which Julian nags and hops off to get to his coffin locker, shooing us all off his bed and taking out some milk chocolate bar which he opens, to which Miles raises an eyebrow as Jules splits it in three parts and gives one each.

“Is this a bribe, Juju?” The Chief Petty Officer asks as Julian gets back to his bunk and me and Miles stay close for a while, as Julian strips on the bed from his dress, leaving himself in underwear before he pulls the covers over him. 

“If it was a bribe, Kane, I’d let you suck me off, much sweeter.” He smirks and turns to face the wall. I quickly glance at Miles who just makes his way to the bunk and I’m left to turn off the lights, so I sigh and I still hear them bickering as I turn off the lights and I head back to nearly trip on Miles’ hand as he strokes my leg and I feel myself turn red lightly as I just get to my bunk and I feel Miles’ hand get under the covers and I don’t make a noise until I squeeze it back, Ezra coming back to me like a ghost.

Sleep comes to me slowly and eventually even before I fall asleep I stretch my hand to search for Miles and I reach his cheek and I feel his lips on my fingers.

How come I was better than Julian and as soon as I take my hand back, I fall asleep.


I've written nearly 6k yesterday, so I was pretty damn confused where should I trim and leave for the other chapters and it's bizarre because this is pretty much a light chapter compared to what is coming ahead (the upcoming events had my partner rocking under the bedcovers so… yeah xD she's like an indicator haha xD) and I wasn't sure if I should add, but I can say that a new chapter should be up later tonight or early in the morning xD 

Like re-reading this to do behind the scenes pretty much depresses me as I feel horrid for all the characters with what will happen as it's written.

Oh, I've mentioned this to a few people, To Miles I guess will be able to be divided in two major parts or plots and this is pretty much part 1 and there's a lot I guess action-wise xD to come. Part 1 is not really nearing it's end but the events are unfolding and pretty much in the next chapter will show were everything is heading and then there will be a few more chapters and then part 2 which I'm pretty excited about as a lot of the events have been leading to that, a lot of hints were dropped and well, it's hard not to talk about the elephant in the room and you have no idea how much thinking I've spent on part 2 and it will be heart shattering and yeah, deaths ahead of course both in part 1 and part 2. 

Well, this chapter is pretty lightweight and I'm not sure there will be more comic relief, well, of course there will be some but part 1 is pretty much getting dark.

Ok, I guess I'll have to shut up and leave you waiting for the next few hours XD

Oh and I'm at 48 k (two more chapters written) and it's nowhere close the end, so… To Miles will be continued heavily after Nano xD gah, I just hope you love it as much as I do and I know I've been talking a lot about part 2 it's just that part 1 was basically decided at the early stages and part 2 was invented nearly accidentally xD so yeah, originally To Miles was well… I wasn't sure I guess if I should end it at part 1 but I had a few scenes of part 2 in mind without the big plot which it now has o.o 

So yeah, even if Nano is over, To Miles surely isn't :O and it will be updated maybe even more than the other miles ones, dunno, I pretty much shift all the time xD 

Drop me some kind words, at the end of nano any encouragement is highly appreciated and will pretty much shove me to write xD 

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I am happy that I went forward with the whole small story about the navy job which expanded into this story and I honestly love it and I am happy that I chose it as my nano novel and honestly, there is a lot to come xD (even in the next two chapters xD)

Thank you


To Miles 17

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

To Miles 15

“Mine was a different one, I guess.” Miles exhales and we kiss again and he pulls me back and I shift to be by his side, giving us the thin excuse that we’re just talking and I actually wonder what the time is because it feels too far into the night, but I’m nearly sure that whoever was here left and I still check to make sure I’m right and not wrong. 

“His name was Ian and he was dad’s friend. I mean he was very good looking and later on I’d find out and it’s funny how even as a child, you know who is gay and who isn’t and well, people would say no, Ian had a wife. Well, maybe I should start from the beginning.

I never really felt different, I knew that I wanted to go to the sea pretty much, sure with age you stop staring at the sea but once you’re off it you want to be chucked in here and be among a bunch of men, not that I don’t like women, but here even the excuse ‘coz it’s on a boat, it’s not gay’ is very appealing and frankly, calms you down somehow and you get men. I’m guessing that’s what tempted Hince, but still amuses me how he chose me and not Julian to be honest. Maybe I’m bias, I mean Julian is more good looking than I am.” Miles smirks and I just hold myself from interrupting him and that is the only mere reason I don’t do anything and I just smile back at him in the darkness, pretty much touch and words being our only bonds of connection right now as I can’t see how his eyes look, how his lips move and even if I can touch, I can’t really see. 

“Anyway, it’s weird, coz he was my dad’s friend but he always seemed to be sad and I had wondered what had actually went on between them, but I never asked about them, I had asked about Ian many years later. He would play with me and pretty much he’d sometimes read out his poem to dad and he even wrote me a few poems for my birthdays in cards, I think I’ve even got one with me, they are silly and childish, but like you’re supposed to look at women and your eyes should rest there, but nothing had happened with me.

Then when I asked dad many years later, when I was maybe twelve and I just didn’t see to like anyone, Ian had commited suicide.” He holds a pause and I hear him shift, before return to the initial position and then shift to be facing me instead of the darkness of the top bunk covering us, I wonder how does the sky look now, but tucked in with Miles is more than enough to be as good as the sky and I take his hand in mine, easy to brush off and I feel bad.

“Dad told me that he was miserable, that he wanted to be a gunner, but he had been kicked out of the academy, that he had been yanked in the middle of the class and discharged for being gay. I guess it still surprises me that dad told me that, he told me that Ian liked men and that I shouldn’t listen to mom and because he chose to cover himself with a lie it drove him insane. Then I started questioning myself, what about myself, who do I like.

I got anxious at first and even when I was studying there had been a discharge in another class, it happened. It always happens, there’s a lot of homosexuals and yet we are avoided like the fucking plague. 

But then I kept thinking, yeah, I can get discharged but I didn’t want to end up sulking after someone else who is taken, get a wife and just continue walking a path which isn’t even yours. Sure, I’m convinced that people raise a few eyebrows with me working in the navy, but I’ve never been caught and if I will, well. Happens. That just ain’t a reason to be scared, but hey, I’m saying this now, but I was scared yesterday...” Miles swallows. “Sure, I’ve thrown the love word around, but you know...”

I can feel him look at me.

“You still have doubts, when your dream is too big and you are scared to death and I was. I don’t want to lose you, one thing is me in jail and then having the fun of finding a job and then circulating trying to understand who won’t tell a kiss even in a gay bar, we get raids sometimes, but the thing is

I think if God exists he would’ve made Ian straight, which he didn’t. I don’t think the church is closed for us, I think... God is open to everyone.” I keep quiet and I just hear his breathing. 

“I... don’t think so. I’m sorry, I don’t-” I start speaking but I am interrupted nearly as soon as I start by Miles. 

“No, I know, the church is behind all of this, but it’s the church it’s not really our own religion going after us or belief. But no, I’m not religious, I just think... that’s it’s far more complicated than just white and black, you know. Sorry, that I raised it.” He keeps swallowing nervously and I just hold myself still, looking at the ceiling.

“Once the church said I was a sin, I stopped going and so did Matt.” I see him tense up and I wonder what kind of reaction I’m I trying to get and frankly with Ezra being gay it just fucked me up even more with the church, but saying that I had jerked off a priest previously isn’t really the best romantic conversation topic. “But yeah.”

I guess he feels the need to change the topic and we both feel tense, religion is always a topic when you’re gay, because we’ve all asked ourselves if we are actually wrong and me and Matt decided that even if I were, I was still great and that comforted me, coz that was coming from a boy I had loved.

“...About Ian. I decided to be a gunner maybe because it stuck in my head, coz he was the first gay man I knew, that what if that was the gay profession, I mean we’ve all chosen the navy one way or another knowing that this would be a male only festival for months.” I still feel him tense as I turn to face him as well, it’s a small gesture and it just adds more tension and at the same time eases Miles.

“My mom told me that even if Ian committed suicide that is no way that the church would have it’s door closed on him and we had left it at that and I was thankful, but...” I think I’ve tensed up too much, because I know what would the outcome of me coming out be and I don’t want to think of it, so I just bite my lip angrily, even if it feels like a comfort blanket that Miles’ parents are less strict. “...they still want a girl for me. Dad said it’s no use if I don’t love her back, so he just tells me to keep searching, I’ve asked a lot about Ian over the years, but because I’ve never said anything, parent’s eyelids are pretty much firm shut until you open them with a butter knife. I haven’t done that and I don’t think I will. I guess we still stay sort of close to parents, because they are supposed to love us unconditionally and until we are taken away from it, we believe it as well.” 

“Have you ever been in love with a girl, though?” I ask him curiously and I move in closer so that our bodies are touching and so are our noses and it is pretty torturous to keep my lips off his. 

“Not really, I mean looking back, I don’t think I ever have, I didn’t understand why people would do so, all I would do was pretty much play with ships and wonder how could I burn the school down.” Miles chuckled and I wondered if he has ever even attempted it, I could see him taking a box of matches and knowing him, he would be too scared, while if the thought had come to me or Matt, we would sit to make sure that everyone was out and we’d do it and I wonder what a bizarre feeling it would be and I’d be amazed now recalling that I had only locked lips with him once in my life. I feel like I myself am flirting with the thoughts of Matt and I’ve got Miles’ breath on my lips which is intoxicating and realxing at the same time as I put my arm around his waist as I pull him even closer and we kiss for a while and once our tongues touch we both lean back, stung, that we should hold ourselves even if we are already on thin ice in one bed. “What about you?”

“I don’t think so, either. It’s funny how it sounds normal when you’re gay, like you tell that to some other guy and both of you are like, yeah, me too and then you congratulate each other.” I smirk and Miles’s fingers are stroking my neck as I hold myself from pouncing on him, Ezra coming back to my thoughts but he seems far until I acknowledge his existence in them and I wonder if Miles had gone to the chapel to pray and how he had felt about Ezra and if he had even known that Father Ezra was gay or to some extent, but then in Miles’ eyes we weren’t seen as a sin (not that we were a sin), but more like he was-

He said the church doesn’t determine who God loves though.

So I’m guessing Ezra wasn’t a big deal to him as it was to me. 

"I guess I should tell about my other lovers…" Miles paused and kissed me again, stirring the fire again and the desire to just go on top of him and let myself wander off with him elsewhere, something which seemed to be highly judged, and I could feel his grin against my lips. "But you standout, Al. I can talk about you if you want."
I gave him a light shove, smirking and pulling him back as close to me as possible and I pressed my head against his shoulder, stroking his arms, holding myself from lifting up his shirt, happy yet still annoyed at the thin layer between us, as I wanted to kiss his bare skin, but I still pressed a kiss against the fabric, holding it. 
"C’mon who else did you fuck behind my back while I was running after a straight guy." I smirk at Miles and I lift my head back up, wishing the lights were on, as I never understood people’s desire to stay in the dark, even sometimes I would get uncomfortable when I first slept in a ship with barely any light and when I had gone on shore, my only thought was to sleep with the light on, but the bizarre idea had died off as I woke up, realizing that I had decided to turn off the light anyway in a light sleep haze. 
"We don’t know that." Miles notes and I roll my eyes, even knowing that he most likely cannot see it, but I still do, feeling a bit uncomfortable that this whole conversation is about Matt, who I don’t think gives as much thought as I do, even if he does, he still prefers women and does it explicitly and he always had crushes on girls, which I simply wouldn’t understand, girlfriends neither me or him could properly hold a conversation with, yet he tried and he seemed to enjoy his horrible attempts, while I didn’t, I’d either try to steal Matt off for myself or I’d drag him away or try to count the days, when they would break up or I would hope that they would, but usually they took longer than I hoped they would. 
"I could ask him and break his face." Miles stirs me out of my thoughts and I can only smirk back. 
"He’s straight."
"Just in case so he can’t blow you."

“He can jerk me off, though.” 

“A bit less intimate, although, point. I’ll have to break his hand as well.” It sounds more funny, because even if we are in the artillery, Miles doesn’t look too violent and if you want you can always make it less personal, we’re not really in the front line where we just go person against person, even being a pilot seems a bit intimidating. But then this discussion can pretty much go on, who would be the most violent and surely it will end up being people against people rather than job against job. 

“What if he fucks me?” I smirk at him even more, amused by this whole bizarre conversation and wondering about who the other past lovers were. 

“Well, I’d have to break his penis. Or can I?” He thinks for a soft while. “Anyway, I’d pretty much break him anyway, just for never touching you to love you sad about it.”

Now Miles smirks at my scowl. 

“And also the fact that he’d stay away from you, I’m not trying to sound creepy or anything, just... jealous really coz I never knew you when you were six or anything. Frankly, I still barely know you.” He says with a light curiosity in his voice. “Well, ok, I guess I’ll talk about Jay then. Jay was my first boyfriend and it’s ironic that I had attracted him by talking about how I didn’t get why boys were dating girls and then he’d leave me for a girl, but that’s not the point. I guess I’m just trying to make you jealous, just like you had, only once you get dumped you mourn a bit and then you discard all the love you ever had and eventually you even stop labeling it love, because if it was love, it should’ve been two sided for one and it wouldn’t go away and frankly heartbreaks go away, so there.”

I still feel the bitterness in his voice and a faded anger. Miles takes a deep breath.

“I think it’s funny how... well, unacceptance is like being a child, you think everything you don’t like it’s wrong and I guess with Jay, I pretty much realized that’s who I am, I’m not attracted to girls and I don’t see the appeal, while he was different, nearly on the scale that we’d both ask my dad about war and I still wonder how my parents were ok with us pretty much fucking, but then they were always out.” Miles says pulling out a string of memories. “But yeah, some choose to hide under themselves in some bizarre way, well, I can’t blame him, I guess. It’s his choice and I’m sure his miserable.”

A bitter laugh. 

“I guess it pretty much just happened, there was not much guilt, I just knew I was attracted to him and that was pretty much it. It carried on a few bizarre years with us never making it official, some mutual silence that we’d stay quiet and every hint that each other’s parents would be out meant that the other would surely be there, even if any of us had caught a flu, because it was always hard to catch a moment and once he had even went to mine’s pretty late and we both came up with some excuse about some report we had both forgot that needed to be done fast. In the end we had just fucked and I had slipped away, wondering if I should do something because at that time it had been three years and soon enough I’d have to go away and Jay wasn’t interested in being in the navy, so the conversation had been avoided by both of us.

I had wondered what should I do as I was walking back, I was attracted to Jay and I knew that I wanted to be in the navy, it wasn’t that I wanted to just sleep around, Ian was still in my thoughts and my parents approved of the idea, obviously dad being in the navy as well, he’s a navigator. So yeah, wasn’t too much of a deal, really. Jay wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, he just wanted to later on go into College, but surely nothing army-wise, but the thing was that I was pretty attached, he was my first boyfriend after all, even if we had never called each other that. 

I don’t think we even properly confessed to each other, but sure, we’d scribble Valentine’s day cards, when we broke up he did give me a stack of things he’d written about me, it was pretty bizarre reading about someone slowly falling out of love with you, I guess he just wanted it off, it’s really weird how his choice of cards would slowly change as well, first it had been plain ones, I guess he had been to shy then it was something more love-esque and he’d scribble out all the ‘s’s in she if there had been any and he’d tell me that I was the one who had seemed to claim him, which was weird because there had been plenty times when the words wouldn’t reach any of our mouths, which is odd, I guess, looking back at that mindset when like know, sometimes you just... fuck, really but then it held a different meaning, I did it with Jay because I had liked him, I guess loved him to some extent.

So the cards the later I got started depressing me, he’d tell me how he’d wonder too much, where would we head off and he was even uncomfortable with me going to the navy, then poems of doubt were the areas of attention which had been given to me. But the last one was actually a plain card and it had a long poem, telling that he had indeed loved me and that was it, but it felt bizarre, it felt like he had to take out the canned feelings for years and then he just chucked him out.

I think he’s married now with children, well, surely he is. He chose some daft girl and that was it. Last year my mom asked me why aren’t I friends with Jay and I just said he doesn’t agree with many things and neither do I.

It’s kind of sad sometimes that you just depart and I guess I’m happy, envious and jealous that you’re still with Matt. Maybe it’s a good thing you guys never stirred up a relationship which would break off.” I feel him shrug and I pull him into a hug, feeling him ease and stroke my back. 

“It’s weird... like when we were close to breaking up, I started doubting myself, it was odd, it’s as if I was flirting deliberately with others to prove myself, that because he was heading off doesn’t mean that I’m not loved or attractive to anyone else, because me and Jay had been for so long and even he didn’t stay. I really don’t know what I was trying to achieve, I guess I was pretty heartbroken because he had started to bring the girl between us, to make himself more normal and frankly, I don’t think anyone knows or cares that he’s with a woman, just like people forgave Ian, but that surely doesn’t mean that he forgave himself.” 

We keep our silence and I just hug him stronger, feeling bizarre and I wonder if I am thankful that me and Matt never really had anything between us to depart and forget. It would really be bizarre as I had known him for so long and so had he, we had both seen each other grow up, sometimes we’d even have Christmas together, our parents were even friends because we were always at each other’s houses. But no one had ever suspected anything, we’d even sleep in the same bed and sometimes I’d make sure to keep awake and I’d watch him sleep, letting my eyes drift off to every single feature he had, feeling guilty and victorious, which was an odd feeling.

I couldn’t bring myself to kiss him, I felt that I was violating him enough already, but it had been too tempting, but I couldn’t, I’d just watch him, even lying to myself that surely he had peeked as well, maybe that’s why we sleep so close, maybe that’s why we still have the veil of innocence, I honestly didn’t know.

It’s weird comparing these two relations, because neither Miles or Matt had crumbled in front of my eyes enough to shatter myself and forget and I could never see Matt hurting me, he had loved me as a friend and I meant a lot to him, we both knew that, it’s been years, when you’re together for so long, you forgive, forget and love and move on if you have to let go of some aspect you should close your eyes on, but you never depart. 

But shit, I have indeed dreamt so much that one day I’d break, sometimes I’d imagined that we’d be fishing, rather Matt doing it and I’d watch him, reading something aloud for both of us to recite tomorrow and try to make some fake attempt at learning. Shit, I had gotten so bad I wished that our boat would tilt over and I would have to give him a mouth to mouth, but of course that had never happened, instead I’d just keep reading and Matt would randomly interpretate it as someone being an asshole to everyone else and he’d tell me his version of his story.

Sometimes I wondered too much how come he had never noticed me so deeply immersed in this blissful feeling I had wanted to share with him, but sometimes I had wanted to keep it to myself, keep my dreams of kissing him and tracing his jawline with my fingertips to myself, in case he’d say no, I was scared and maybe that’s what kept me going all these years

and that kiss had fueled my dreams, the height of my life even to some extent, but it had died off, maybe because I had achieved everything and then I had decided to move on and there was Paul, who had seemed to be too friendly with me and who had dragged me out to a gay bar and had watched me closely as I had ordered beer for the first time, too shy to get a cocktail which was bizarre with so many men in drag that night and I had kept looking past the bartender, focusing my gaze on all the nearly empty bottles with the night finishing.

And Paul had then kissed me, putting all his cards on the table and I had sex with a man for the first time, feeling excited, it had been in some room Paul had yanked me to which belonged to some other gay friend of his, as the bathrooms there were too gross and I guess he didn’t want our first time to be on the boat as well, no anxiety and we had taken it slow, which had been something different I had always imagined with Matt, but we went on with it and frankly it was great and I couldn’t catch my breath for a very long time as Paul kept laughing, watching me while chain smoking, himself still a bit short on breath.

And I had loved him too. 


The idea for shamelessly taking Ian was out of me talking to my partner and then I misheard what she said when I was wondering out loud who would be Miles' first crush and I heard Ian and the idea was pretty much done. 

I hadn't intended to do Miles a bit religious, but yeah, that as intended (I'm sleepy and I want this monster of 4k up @__@) I really wanted to include Jay in and then I shifted to Matt again, I ship him with Al T__T and then Paul happened xD

And I've been writing snippets on my mobile whenever I'm to lazy to reach out for the laptop or I can't, usually the puns are created there xD

I was struggling who would be Miles' boyfriend as I've used pretty much everyone who I usually use and maybe it's me and my opinion will change but I'm pretty neutral to Jay, but he seemed fitting, so hey Jay and welcome to my cauldron of useable characters O_o

I really love Matt and gahgdjhdsgvjsdgjvgdsjhv

anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request and etc :3


To Miles 16

Saturday, 23 November 2013

To Miles 14

“Are you worried about getting sent off by any chance?” Miles asks and I feel burnt by ice, I don’t know which one is worse, but this one sure is. Was he even in bed with me, I thought he went back, but I try to escape all the last shards of the previous dream, anxiety rocking me and frankly, it’s not even singing a lullaby, as I look at the Chief Petty Officer. I wish I could see him more clearly but frankly, it’s nearly pitch black so I just put my hand on his cheek and I hear him smirk as I stroke his lips with my thumb as he kisses them back and I can only imagine the grin on his face, even if he still holds the subject pretty much open.

“I guess.” I shrug, not knowing what to say, because I know that I won’t be, he will. I wonder if he’ll take out a pack of cigarettes, frankly, we all smoke too much and I wonder how looking back at photos of us on the ship, how will it look, will it look the same or will we have a cigarette always dangling from our lips in a few years,

in a few years

war should be over.

I wonder how would that be, how far would Hitler stretch out what else would be taken and the news on Poland where shocking. I mean, we’ve got an insane... fellow, but one thing is yelling about it or hinting, another thing is actually doing it. 

Everything seems surreal and my own concerns about jail seem at the same time bigger, because I doubt he’ll reach the US and at the same time, war is that shiver which you don’t know how to stop and how exactly should you warm yourself, because the storm is coming and no one told you the report and if they did, they didn’t say how bad it would be. 

I don’t know for who should I fear.

I don’t know if I should fear for those who wouldn’t fear for me, but then it’s ironic because I still am in the artillery, I’m here to defend even if I don’t agree with it and I guess we’re all here with the thought of acceptance that we might die in some obscure battle, that we’ll sink and we’ll have Hince down with us as well, that it might happen in the blink of an eye, but even if nothing dramatic has happened, the thoughts of dying still come to you as often as they would onshore, which isn’t too often or sometimes you’ve got the days where you close your eyes and wonder how does death actually taste like, how foul would the numb mouth be?

“I think it should cool down and frankly...” Miles gives out a chuckle and he leans to whisper in my ear, which causes me to shiver and it still amuses how much gossip we’ve got on the ship, actually we always have it on a bunch of ships, because frankly by the first few months you get bored and sometimes you even try to see who the fuck is sleeping with who or who has a wife or a girlfriend and even if it’s pretty hush you still know, it’s impossible to go around and never know who is gay and I’m guessing it’s not even that the straight are straight (if it’s on a boat it’s not gay should be the slogan once you apply) it’s more that you don’t tell on your mates, that’s why me and Matt had been shocked after Paul and Daniel were departed. “... all of this coming from Hince, makes it more funny.”

I feel myself freeze.


He put his book down for Miles. Of course Miles is older than me and seems to be a bit more confident when it comes to having relationships and I think I hold my silence for too long to have Miles laugh a bit against my ear before he kisses it.

“It was just once.” I feel him get a bit more tense. “It was when I just got on the ship. It was just once but with all this acting about Cookie... well, it’s absurd for a “straight” man he sure knew what the fuck he should be doing. And something tells me his number two Brian doesn’t just stir the wheel, if you know what I mean, but they’ve been distant recently.” 

I still feel myself shiver and what seemed to be an act of kindness, even just shoving me on the chair to avoid me fainted seems to have gained a new light. A more peculiar light which involved men being attracted to other men. Or this case Hince to other men.

I still keep my silence.

He can know.

If he’s gay or simply attracted to men to some extent, he might know.

I start shuffling, wanting to turn around and curl into a ball, but I can’t give Miles suspicions, so I just lay still, as Miles kisses my cheek. 

“Don’t worry, love, he shouldn’t go off sending us. It’s stupid. Of course everything is stupid...” Miles himself starts making pauses, choosing the right words as he finds my hand and laces his fingers with my own. I lean and kiss his neck, feeling the soft warm skin against my lips as I hold my lips there, feeling myself trying to find some peace and I happen to, but my thoughts are still in turmoil and fear. “But I don’t think he’d send off those who he had fucked, at least I think so.”

I just nod and I feel us tense, it feels like our relationship is always at sea (ironic) and it keeps going through waves of anxiety and even if it’s the second day, people fall in love over the weekend, days can change lives, hours can change lives, you simply don’t know what the fuck will happen next, who will faint or who will Germany decide to invade afterwards and if Poland will hold up. 

“I really don’t think so, Al or maybe I hope so. But then if you’re scared you wouldn’t even exit the house and the tension would get so nagging that you’d just shoot yourself, but you don’t even if it’s tempting, you know?” I blink at the sudden change of the subject and I face him even if I can barely see him and he gives a dark chuckle. “I know, you’ve had a lover sent off, I haven’t, so far the law has been dancing nearby but never doing a direct hit, who knows maybe it’s just a matter of time, I don’t know.”

I just keep my silence, wondering about Miles, but then he’s right, we’ve all went through the phase where the wonder of the day is why are you actually alive, why am I gay? What’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me wanting to kiss other men and why should I be attracted to someone who isn’t appealing at all, someone who I never want to press my lips again and once I had asked my dad how come I should be into a girl who I don’t really like and he just told me that it’s just that’s the way it is, love doesn’t exist and sex is to please yourself and that it will feel damn good.

I still don’t get it.

I glance at Miles.

It’s something which you can’t find in books, not just Miles who happens to be gay in every way like I am, well of course if you try hard enough you will, but it’s still taboo and the words are locked by fear of spreading us or encouraging us, I guess in ideal we’d just all be chucked away or never to be born, never to even become a fetus. 

We’ve all had our moments, because we are never supposed to have existed, some insane thing which we’ve caught somewhere along the way even if we’ve never been molested, that we might’ve just forgotten it or we were so young, but you should have your arms wrapped around someone the opposite sex. 

It made it more awkward when everyone was losing their virginity and there was me, I didn’t even want to see how a naked woman looked like, I had enough to think of during showers with other boys, it was what drove me over the edge, what I had wanted to touch, what seemed right and when I’m not in a gay bar, I feel bizarre seeing all the men try to be something they are not and there’s me craving for a milkshake or a cocktail and I can never keep up the conversations, I can never discuss who I find hot, which movie do I like without mentioning men, novels which I had enjoyed due to male characters, everything in the end leads to sexuality and how I can’t find women appealing and it still troubles me how some men even if they don’t still go for it because they like it.

Why would you go for someone you don’t like?

I gulp.

“How many lovers have you had?” And I don’t know asking about which word stings more and I just look around, not feeling at ease.

“So, we’re talking about previous lovers then?” Miles smirks and I wonder what time is it that the bunks seem quiet, no even breathing, just us and it feels comforting and just like any point when you’re alone you wonder if you should just fuck due to the opportunity but then one thing is laying in bed, talking while another is straight fucking and getting caught with hands on another man, the greatest sin of all in the eyes of someone who inflicted their views and phobia onto others. 

“I guess.” I shrug and Miles just exhales.

“Actually, you know two of mine. Funny calling Hince a lover.” He puts an emphasis on the word lover, which reminds me that the captain has his own secrets which are tucked away. 

“You want me to talk of my own?” 

“I guess. One for one.”

“I am younger than you, you do realize that.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you being younger, could be you being bolder and sticking your own hand down another guy’s pants earlier.”

“Not really.”


“My first crush was on Matt, I guess, like looking at it, I guess he was my first love.” I sigh and I feel myself tense up, recalling him and how we had grown up and how I had always felt attracted to him and after I had made a few attempts, just that the kiss had been the most explicit one, I seemed to be content with what I had thought was a platonic relationship, we still hung around, Matt had happily shrugged it off, but the fact that we had made out is still a fact which is glued to my mine and I wish I could’ve pushed further, it didn’t even matter what he felt like, if he fucked me or if I could’ve just blown him, I really didn’t care, I just wanted to touch him and make him feel good, just like anyone else who he had. 

“Who’s Matt?” Miles asks because I think of everyone who we have discussed Matt holds the only fondness and I feel embarrassed even talking about these feelings to myself, let alone someone else, who I have stronger and more passionate feelings for with no connections with childhood’s threaded hands. It’s different with Miles, it burns and I want him and I want to know more of him, it’s a desperate need to find out everything and once I do just get the rest of what will be left and go on, it’s


with Matt I know what I have, with Miles I just know.

“My childhood friend.” Bitter jealous silence fills the air. “But he’s straight. Well, we made out once-”

“You made out and you’re telling me he’s straight?” Miles smirks darkly and I stroke his hand with my thumb, feeling guilty for the past I hold and shards of Matt’s love.

“I guess. I mean, we never did anything and I’ve known him for nearly twenty years.”

“Ok, I get it, he’s insane then and straight.” He exhales, but I still feel him tense and he goes on top of me to kiss me and hold me, for a brief moment he does it to make sure I’m his before he forgets as I slide my hands under his shirt, lightly, enough to hide if anyone walks in. It feels bizarre with my hands on Miles’ skin as I have a stream of memories as I recall Matt and I wonder how long will it take for him to get the letter and how long will it take him to reply and it’s even more bizarre kissing someone else when you try to piece the past together with someone who has shattered it or maybe I’ve done it all along.

“Thing is.” I say against Miles’ lips and I feel bad that I’m flirting with all these thoughts, he’s been in and out, sometimes a bit too much in, but the last time we had seen each other Paul was dipped deep in my thoughts and I could still recall the taste of him in my mouth, while Paul is now just as easily discarded as he was taken. 

“Thing is.” I repeat. “We never really drifted apart, like we just kept holding on, coz it’s been years, we’ve pretty much went through me discovering my sexuality, Matt screwing some random girls and hoping he’d do everything well and then he’d go around even concerned coz someone’s condom had broken and then it had been the talk around the town that even I had gotten a talk and my parents had to juggle with the fact that if I had no girl that would mean no pregnancy but at the same time that meant that something is alarming about me. Gay wasn’t the possibility, you don’t know what you are.”

I end up mumbling further and I just keep pressing my lips against his in the dark. HE listens. 

“So I guess maybe he was the softest shot and the easiest, because he’s seen me, he’s heard me ask him why don’t guys go for guys or how hot someone was. He’d hear my slips, but he’d keep it all to himself.” I lower my voice, trying to see the outline of Miles’ lips but instead I just feel them and his hot breath back on my lips. 

“I still think he had a massive crush on you.” Who says he doesn’t crosses my mind, but I just feel guilty recalling Matt’s hungry lips on my own and I feel more guilty that I turn my head away and Miles’ just kisses my neck, it’s bizarre and a fairly odd feeling, but he had kissed me back and it lingers in my mind, unrolling memories how we’d always stay awake during sleepovers or when we’d be on shore I’d still go to sleepover at his and we had considered to split an apartment, just that for now it barely seemed required because we’d spend so much time at sea and frankly the parents were still attached and if we’d both be together on shore sometimes we’d travel somewhere just to kill the time before sea.

Thinking back at all of this, it makes me sting.

When had I fallen in love with Matt?

The peak had been that kiss, when everything was faded, everything had been faded without him, without his jokes, without him nodding at any guy who seemed out of the usual for me to screw, he had been happy that I’d get this job

But why

I glance back at Miles.

I don’t know what would Miles think and I’m not sure I do want to know, after all pilots were a one man team a lot, they’d argue and ignore other squadrons while we’d just all sit and play poker or just listen to someone’s bizarre stories from high school or if someone wasn’t gay we’d see the photos of children around, we’d do bizarre ideas, hell we even did hide and seek once, right after practice and nearly everyone had decided to hide in the turrets and the only person who tried a storage room, won. 

But it was stupid to compare both feelings if to be put on the table, not even taking Matt’s feelings in consideration, I had surely loved him, but it was a different kind of love, while to Miles it was more alive, more burning, it ached when I was apart, while Matt’s could be shoved away but I’d always care and I would never turn my back on him, while I still had to learn Miles

but the question still remained

which love was the real one, which one was actually the one you go after, the burning one or the one which wakes up and can be put to sleep at times of need, when being gay is a sin and the other keeps you at platonic level.

My first thoughts of Matt had started pretty early, I had slept over at his, we had just been over ten and someone else had gotten married and I wondered if I could do so with Matt, I haven’t heard of it, but it made me wonder and I had just taken one glance at Matt, grinning that I knew that it would take years and maybe even death to put us apart.

And then the thoughts would come back as he had shown off the fact that his dad had bought him a razor and I was nowhere near and I’d watch him shave and cut his face and I had to throw some toilet paper at him as we watched the cut which seemed to bleed for a while and I had to get some alcohol from downstairs and when I was back he was just sitting on the bathtub and it ached to touch him maybe even more than not touching him. 

I still wonder that I surely could’ve left Matt to deal with his cut or told him to stop being such a wimp and shave properly (and it had taken me nearly a year to get to the state of shaving and I’ll never be able to grow anything close as Matt), but instead I just tilted his head up, putting the piece of cotton on the jawline and hearing him wince as he looked at me in the eye. Perhaps that was when I had realized that there was no turning back and that I wanted to kiss him, maybe that had been the first time I had touched myself to him, afterwards. It was an entire different experience and release was pretty fast as well and so was regret and laying on the floor of the bathroom, not even knowing the proper wrd for myself at fourteen. 

Then it was a constant on and off and I’d just jerk off, sometimes even a few times a day, trying to get it out, sometimes it would help other times I’d avoid his gaze or sit too close to him, as we’d read something or play some board game and he never seemed to mind. I had wished it was more casual for me to hold him, I’ve even left myself wish for a plain hug as a tap on the back would already make the week. 

Then girls entirely dimmed out up to the point that if anyone would mention a girl I’d half-assed ask a “what” really not understanding.

And then there had been those guys who seemed more approachable and those who looked a bit like Matt, only darker haired or had bigger lips, it didn’t matter and maybe that’s why I liked pilots, they’d have Matt’s humor, maybe even the photo of Jack seemed to be a good excuse not to put Matt’s photo in it, too suspicious even for my own mind

the kiss seemed to be a good balance, making it either unbearable or enough for me to try and date other men, maybe it’s good that it had happened not too far, but surely it had been one of the best kisses of my life, even if guilt had painted it dark with fear, which had caused me to pull away and apologize. 

I loved Matt.

The words still strike me, but maybe it’s the past that assures me more than anything, it keeps me sane and I kiss Miles, not knowing how much had I cheated.

I breathe heavier, not sure if I want to know who should I be scared of and keep listening to all his lovers, but then, I want to know who had made him realize that he is gay and who had the courage to push him into a gay club and who had shown him his favourite cocktail, who had asked him for his first dance.

The first dance. I had danced with girls at school, but it had been Matt who I had danced with once, laughing and we pretty much ended up on each other’s toes and soon enough the idea was dropped, but all this time I had known I loved him. Maybe I still do in this weird way, which would make the both of us smile and discard our feelings like a bad hand of cards and raise the stake, still grinning and remaining in the game. 


Well, that is huge and I hope you enjoyed it :D and I'm sorry for not updating the last few days, but hey, I'm back, I'm a bit behind on the word count but I will catch up :D and to compensate here is 3.6 or more k chapter :O

The conversation won't be over and I'll be thinking on about Miles' past, so yeah, I'll be dazed for the next hours until I write fully building his past, because a lot of Al's is out already

Before I go on Al's past, about Hince I was wondering to chuck the first paragraph into the previous chapter, but I had left it for next, so yeah, I've pretty much known about Hince for quite a while and there's even more and I guess as much as the villain (it's weird to call him such xD) he is, he's still one of my favourite characters, so yeah :) The idea of Hince and Miles came to me as I had decided to go out for inspiration and I had the idea of him and Miles shagging just once and it was pretty much locked away for a while and recently I had thought even more of Hince, actually there's a lot about Hince which has been thought of through the whole course of November which will be said. It's weird because there's so much backstory to every single character which has been thought of or at least is in a rough sketch in my head.

About Matt, there's so much I want to tell and initially Matt was planned as just as Al's friend and only when I got to the last bit of the first chapter I liked the scene and it pretty much stayed with me until a massive idea came to me, so I can only keep my mouth shut and yeah, I'm happy that people started to pick up on it :D and I'm sorry if I've been silent about it, all I can say, is there's more to come. It's really weird because I have the novel planned out (which I usually haven't done in ages) and all I am is just adding more plots or small stuff, characters as well. 

Like Brian Molko was added as I needed a number two for Hince and he seemed the right choice xD (not just coz I ship them xD) 

So I guess I wasn't planning on this whole Miles finding out about Matt at least not now (oooh spoiler) and certainly neither of them questioning Matt. Also the idea that you still go for the same type of people was a thought which came back to me today and I've been comparing Jack and Matt's relationships to Al's and yeah, the whole idea was born as I was writing. Obviously now Alex's obsession with pilots is more explained I guess xD

I was struggling with what scene should I do where Alex broke and realized his feelings for Matt and the shaving scene was pretty much done as it was written, not thought ahead and I quite enjoy it.

I guess this is the part where I say that I do ship Alex and Matt and I will leave it at that? But yeah, I'm sleepy so that's why I'm blabbering and… I hope I'm not making anyone anxious xD but yeah :D 

I hope you enjoyed it and won't… kill me? But don't worry there is so much Milex ahead and angst as well, from all the sides you're thinking of and more, trust me :O ok, that sounded awful xD

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request :3


To Miles 15