Thursday, 7 November 2013

To Miles 6

I still hold the illusion that the day is still longer even if it’s past June and I still feel the sunshine seep through even we’re in a sort of bunker, under the deck and I dream of Miles again, he’s intertwined in my dreams and I dream of Matt as well and I wonder why he hadn’t replied even if I know that it’s been less than a day and I have executed a man single handedly. 

I turn around to see Miles gone and I was expecting him to look at me, but I stand up, open the coffin lockers and I hope that the queue won’t be long enough. I stand up to see that Juju is also gone, Pete and Carl still tucked in the other two beds and the last still empty. 

I head out to see some men already queueing for the cubicles, but the shower is still empty. I wave to Julian who is brushing his teeth and he’s still sleepy and he spits it out, glancing at me. 

I start brushing my own and more men head in and take the showers, the cubicles, all the areas around me and I’m guessing that Miles is in one of the showers. I start applying soap to my face to shave when the loudspeakers turn on.

“EVERYONE TO THE DAMNED DECK. NOW.” And then everyone drops everything and Miles walks out, wet, with a towel around him, men jump out of the cubicle and I quickly wash my soap away, some make a run for it, some are still showering but the only delay is about a minute. Miles dresses up and I turn around not to peep and I head out, not waiting for him and soon enough when I’m outside, a shirtless Julian catches up on me, grabbing me by the arm.

“The hell is going on?” I shrug and I see Miles behind him, looking just as confused. Our gazes meet and I look away, as Miles still keeps his smile. 

Eventually everyone is on the deck and by rank. There is a bit of shuffling, alcohol seems like a bad choice of a partner to hang out with last night, but we all manage to stumble wherever our ranks are. I glance at Miles, who is a few people ahead of me, as I stand next to Carl, who whispers something quickly into Pete’s ear and they both smirk. Julian is still shirtless, which I see Miles roll his eyes at, but he’s not the only one, some have soap on their backs and heads. 

Hince lights a cigarette in silence and holds it, quickly choosing the right words, before he gets his first inhale, as he stands in front of all of us, quickly glancing at all the sailors. He starts laughing for a while and then he starts walking from the start of the highest ranks and he doesn’t stop at me, holding his glance at me for a while, but I’m not in his interest so he walks on and once he’s near Cookie, I close my eyes for a brief second and he stops in front of the poor man. He grabs him by the shoulders, yanking him forwards and my mouth aches and I am watching this, I quickly glance at a confused Miles and everyone is confused, as much as I am.

“I fucking thought you.” He points into Cookie’s confused face. “Were a damn fine mechanic and you were, but you ain’t any longer, you son of a bitch. Oh no.”

He holds his silence and takes a step back. 

“Faggots don’t have a place in my damn fine crew!” Captain Hince raises his voice and Cookie pales. 


He grabs him by the shoulder again and makes him face all of us.

“Discharged and replaced. Just what awaits Cook here is what will await whoever fucks another man on my ship.” Cookie is trembling and shaking, his eyes wide open with shock. “And five lovely years of jail, hopefully you won’t make it alive and God will shove you into hell by then.”

He turns him around again, Cookie just stands there speechless.

“I think he’s brought enough disgarace that his own actions shadow any words I would pronounce.” Jamie shoves Cookie away and now starts walking in front of all of us. I can’t take my eyes off, not because I am terrified myself, but because it would be showing some emotion, instead I just stare ahead. 

“Any damn faggot will have the same well deserved fate. I’m done. Dismissed.” He sighs, feeling proud and exhausted from such a marvelous move. Then everyone still holds in a line and Julian turns around and breaks the line, walking up to Miles and then everyone starts making their way elsewhere. Pete and Carl join Julian and Pete. I figure that I should do the same. Carl stretches out a box of cigarettes which is emptied by everyone and I take one myself. The lighter is passed in a circle and we all smoke in silence.

“I never knew Cookie was gay.” Julian says, once Hince walks off and Carl just shrugs his shoulders. 

“Juju, you’re shirtless.” Miles notes, smirking and keeps looking at a walking away Hince, as everyone gives him way and Cookie is taken away by someone else. Julian tries to make a walk towards Cookie, but Miles stops him. “You can’t be on his side, Jules.”

“Not now.” Miles lowers his voice and Julian nods, takes a deep drag. 

We keep smoking in silence and Julian leans against the rails. Miles keeps glancing at me and in the end, I catch his eye and I see some fear, but something is holding him on and I know it’s me, so I just avoid him again. 

In the end we all get back to the bathroom, all of us, the queue longer and I’m placed in the end of it to shave with Julian, who had showered. Miles was done, so he wasn’t pacing around, instead he said he’ll need some coffee than needed for the morning, hoping that I’d join, but I don’t, waiting with Juju in the line.

I want to puke. I want to cry, but instead Juju just taps me on the shoulder and puts his arm around me, like Miles does and that makes it worse, but I let him keep it as he squeezes my shoulder. I could’ve just known Cookie and that’s the excuse I give myself until I reach my turn. 

I get my left soap and I put it on my face, frankly, not having a lot of facial hair and Julian doesn’t seem to be bursting with it either, but the third man has much more than we will ever have and that’s just over night. I sigh and Julian smirks, but we still shave, keeping up the requirements even if all we get is literally some hairs here and there, to get a stubble I really don’t have to shave a few days, well, two would give me something, but for the same look the other lad has, I’d give it a few days, but I haven’t been able to explore it properly. 

The queue for the shower gets smaller and I join it, as Julian leaves, not letting it be crowded enough and I over hear some men in front of me talk of girlfriends, how women looked better in dresses, how they should stay feminine, the border line even more visible. I never really had a girlfriend, even if I had a clingy girl onto me once and I had walked on with her, wondering how the hell do I get rid of her as I had started getting told, why don’t I date her when we had just went on to kill time back when were in school and the whole idea that Alex was above everyone was bizarre, when there were rumors of someone who had managed to touch another girl’s breasts. 

But no, she would ask me the books I’d read, she’d ask me everything I liked and I had realized that distancing myself from other boys would be a good idea, since what I wanted to happen was something I should discard and never be tempted by the devil. 

Alexa had kissed me though and that’s when I had realized two things: I don’t get the appeal of women and that I should leave her. She was quite boyish and skinny, so I had simply chosen another girl instead of her, some hyperbole of what a girl should be, with longer hair and more feminine features, which had caused her to ask me why don’t boys like girls like her and she’d go on and tell me about it

and I just wanted her to shut up

I couldn’t tell her that Arielle was a far better cover than she was, something all the other lads wanted and I had managed to take out for a few dates where my hands wouldn’t even go close to her. 

Breakfast should be quiet, but people still talk, feels like we’re not mourning and it’s only me and all frankly I can recall is the taste of his cock, which makes me uncomfortable. His face starts to get taken away from my memory and frankly I don’t care too much when Julian drops his fork and waves madly at a new face, but then everyone is new face and I keep my eyes to my coffee and Miles isn’t too cheerful either, but he glances at me from while to while. I’m not going to touch Miles. I don’t want to.

I don’t want to end up either reporting, getting off my duties or anything.

“GET HERE!” Juju eventually yells and a man walks proudly towards us and Julian pokes Miles to turn around, as we were facing him backwards and Miles turns around. Julian eventually stands up and hugs him, which causes me to freeze for a moment and I have to remind myself, that hugging between friends is ok, it’s not that they are fucking, even if I can imagine both men kissing each other. He’s as tall as Julian and I wonder why is everyone taller than me and I’m happy to think about it and pout.

“So...” Julian exclaims excitedly and frankly half people seem to care, half don’t. 

“Yeah, I’m the new loader, Jules.” The new man grins and Juju and him high five each other. Carl doesn’t seem too thrilled and they quickly glance at each other, with a small nod as the new man mutters a hello under his breath. Then he looks at Miles, who seems a bit confused as Jules still clings onto him.

“Petty Officer First Class Dengler, Sir.” And he salutes Miles, who doesn’t seem too amused, finishes chewing and thinks for a while.

“Chief Petty Officer Kane.” Miles still gets out a smile, still eying the clinging Juju and I keep wondering who the fuck hasn’t fucked around with someone else from this crew. But Carlos doesn’t seem to catch my radar, just seems... 

“Alex, that’s your loader. Have fun.” Miles widens his eyes and I wonder how the fuck have the two met, but I let it slip my mind, before I get Cookie back in my mind, so I let all the three crawl in, holding hands. Maybe he’s some ex Miles had and I just chew the thought away, glancing at Dengler, well, I don’t think there’s anything.

“So... would I be able to sit?” Carl nudges Pete, who moves slightly and Dengler eventually squeezes in. Miles stands up, I’m guessing to get some coffee for himself, but Dengler nods at Miles. “Can you get a coffee as well, please?”

I blink and Miles doesn’t say anything and leaves the table to get the kettle. I watch Pete, who tries to get something out of Carl by lip synching and Carl just tells him to shush and his dark eyes watch me and I feel too awkward to even sip my coffee, that if Miles would’ve taken much longer, which he already is, I would’ve given him my coffee.

“So... Alex, right?” I just nod, waiting for him to introduce himself and I wait, not even touching my coffee, but Julian seems thrilled. 

“Um, what’s your name?” I ask a bit too low, glancing at Carl who seems like today is clearly not his morning and he seems to glance at the confused Pete every second until they both start some conversation, turned towards each other about some poet I haven’t heard of and I’m tucked in deep with this creep. 

“Oh, I’ve introduced myself to Kane, already.” He smiles at me and I hear footsteps behind me and I glance back at Miles, wondering if he can save me somehow, even by spilling coffee on me so that I have to change and suddenly I’m jealous of Juju and Miles having their own nice loaders, as I feel like I’ll have to load everything myself and he’ll try to count the distance when it’s already been counted or some stupid idea which would result us shooting ourselves and then he’d take over the ship with Hince as a loader to show all of us peasants how it’s done the Dengler way. Then he suddenly starts laughing at his own lame joke and I take the coffee mugs from Miles, so that he can sit down next to me. “I’m Carlos.”

“Oh, that’s cool, coz we’ve got one Carl already.” And Pete point at Carl, who seems to wish that he was kicked off the ship along with Cookie today, but he is seriously considering, I think we all are, besides Julian who seems to be enjoying himself. Carlos just bites his lip and manages a very forced smile. 

“Well, we can’t have two Carlos, can we?” He forces it even more. 

“Well, technically, it’s Carlos and Carl.” Miles jumps in, stirring his coffee a bit too loud, most likely to mute out Mr. Dengler. I feel Miles’ knee brush mine against the table and I dumbstruck glance down to see the two white fabrics clashing and I breathe out, easily, trying to ignore it and I press my leg against his, it feels natural to do so, since we’re pretty much cramped up here and it’s a good excuse to touch him.


“Yeah, well, I’m not changing my name, so I believe he’ll have to change his.” Carlos exclaims, causing Carl to blink and fully look at the new loader. 

“What the fuck?” He asks and Carlos just shrugs with his shoulders and even Julian looks confused.

“What? Carlos and Carl sound similar, what if we reach war and someone is calling either of us out and it would mean that we both would leave our positions.” He glances at a irritated and tired Miles, who has been listening to this bullshit as much as we all have. “Of course we would both leave, because we are devoted to serving our lovely country.”

That was supposed to be a bow towards Miles and Miles just starts drinking his coffee in big gulps. I don’t think we were taught to deal with asshole loaders and I wonder what can I fiddle with and Miles’ knee is like a giant lightbulb in my eye, it wants me to close my eyes on it. 

“Would you be ok, if you are called by your last name, then?” Miles asks and Carlos nods happily. “Good, he’s Carl, you’re Dengler. All right, lads?”

That isn’t the outcome which seems to be in Carlos’ mind, but Miles finishes his coffee and that doesn’t seem to be in his mind or in his to-do list of tasks for today. We are sailing off and in the beginning of breakfast he told us we’d have to do some inspections of each turret, which now makes me cringe. 

I watch Miles stand up and I stand up as well, taking my own plates and I head after him, as we hang in our plates to a curly haired man, Miles mutters that now we have a pain in the ass of a loader and I just nod, hoping that it wouldn’t clash with his loading abilities. 

We both head out and once we do, Miles pulls me into a stock room, after we stop and he tells me to wait, as we are about to get to the staircase above. Instead he pulls me into the stockroom and my heart is beating heavily in my ears.

We stand there for a while. 

I’ve been avoiding him. 

Even if it’s been a few hours, it feels like eternity and we both stare at each other as Miles holds the door tight. I don’t know who from us should move. And I can’t move, because he’s holding the door. 


I approach him and he just leans closer to me and are eyes are locked and I look into his warm brown eyes, trying to look away, but when I do, Miles cups my face and kisses me, causing my whole body to shiver as I press him harder against the door. I keep kissing him back, Miles’ hands now under my shirt and undershirt. I pull back, breathing heavily and he pulls me back in by biting my bottom lip.

I can’t hold anymore. I take his shirt and undershirt off, cursing at myself as I keep my eyes shut and when he tugs on my own, I pull away, wondering what the fuck is stopping me. 

Miles looks at me, pleading and I let him take it off. 

“Miles.” I can’t say Cookie. I can’t say Cookie. “A mechanic got sent off.”

“I know.” Miles himself stops and strokes my arm.

“I really don’t think-” He presses a rough kiss against me as I try to pull away again. 

“Miles.” I glance at both of us down and frankly if we walk out with erections, that would be just as bad as us getting caught fucking. 

“I like you, Al.” And I feel like we’re in school again, only we don’t spread the word love with a deep meaning and now we try to hold onto something and I just feel like I’ve fallen, fallen deep, letting the water take me and soon enough I’ll sink back upwards when I’m done. 

And still the words are spilt, even if I cover my ears and it’ll ache, it’ll fucking ache later somehow, I don’t know how or when, but it’ll ache, but for now, I don’t care

I don’t reply, I just plunge forwards towards the depth, pulling him closer to me, our teeth colliding at first, teeth, mouthes, tongues, sweat, desire all mixing in one as I make out with him, as he runs his hand through my hair, ruffling it, getting it all out of place, like my soul right now.


Funny that this was the shortest chapter and I am still postponing what was going to happen xD but I had to get Carlos in and as you know I had a long struggle wondering who should be the third loader and frankly, I'm pretty much happy with who I chose xD and yes, him and Jules will be explained xD 

I've started writing the next chapter and I guess I'll happily say that we have reached WWII in the next chapter, yay xD 

The ending is because I felt bad for leaving out anything Milex here and frankly it aches me that I'm keeping apart D: and I'll keep quiet. 

And well, the chapter speaks for itself and I'd like to say that I really love this story and I'm happy that I had gone forwards with it, even with not being an expert on WWII and the navy specifically, I love the research this involves and I dunno, I had really grown to love the characters and everyone's place here. And it's weird because I know what's going to happen, like who will die and the twists and turns, so it's weird knowing that basically it's just my head which knows everything fully and my partner of course xD 

so yeah. I've decided another character's fate and it pains me, but yeah, it's war so yeah.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I'll stop for now without revealing everything and I will speak nothing of the Milex scene xD 

Thank you:3


To Miles 7

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