To Miles 3

It’s frankly boring and people keep going in and out, some deciding that the best time to drink is the afternoon, while others keep it to the night. I get invited by Julian, who ends up knocking on my bunk and I open my eyes, sleeping out of boredom and there’s nothing to observe other than the same seagulls catch the fish or someone just talking to someone else.

I feel too new to hold a conversation, so instead I had chosen to sleep.

And once I open my eyes there’s Julian opening my curtains and he takes the hat which is near my pillow and pulls it on me, which causes me to grunt as he pulls me by both arms.

“C’mon, let’s go drinking.” And I sit up, watching my head, which in the end involves me standing up fully and I fix my hat, guessing that Julian will head out in his uniform, well, as far as I know, you just don’t go together to a gay bar unless you want to score a threesome and frankly, you’re very drunk and stupid and not in the uniform. There was a guy who did so, but funnily enough he was dared and he still got discharged any small mention of anything close to a gay bar gets you discharged. 

“Who’s coming?” I ask and lean against the bunks, still tired and drenched in sleep. It tends to be more than one person and I ask it before knowing that I’d want Miles to join in. 

“Oh, just me, Carl and Pete, really. Miles’ goofing off somewhere already. We just want to get drunk, really since you won’t get a chance later on and well, everyone is going to hangover anyway. It’ll not just be us but a crowd of drunk sailors tomorrow, so we gain some anonymity to soothe ourselves.” I just shrug, wondering if I should just sneak out to a gay bar and score some shag on shore, I mean I don’t know how do I report and it still takes a while to figure out who is gay and who will wink back at you. 

From eating all I learned is that Pete and Carl were loaders, Miles and Julian were shooters and the third loader should arrive tomorrow first thing. I had seen the captain as well and I shivered lightly, knowing that I should report who is gay to Captain Hince. He wasn’t too tall as well and Julian said that he’d never really stir the wheel, re-reading Dostoevsky novels, that even when you head up to him, he barely has his head out of the book, only sometimes raising his eyes to ask what do you want.

Miles then had joined in and we exchanged glances briefly. Seeing Miles for the second time was sure a punch in the guts again and I just took a sip of water, water calms you down and gets rid of the anxiety, which I had and Miles didn’t seem to. 

None of us seemed to have rings, was something which I had noticed but asking who had girlfriends seemed inappropriate and what would I say? I could’ve lied that my girlfriend was a test pilot which I barely see, just because I know it would make Lana laugh if I see her again and I’ve saved her many times as well. 

“He’s not too bad. Maybe to you, Juju he never raises his eyes, but he does put his book down when we talk.” Miles had smirked, Julian just shrugged with his hands. “Don’t worry I’m sure he’ll love you too, someday.”

“I thought he had a wife, Miles.” Pete stepped in, poking his boiled potatoes. He started cutting them and raised the fork with the potato to his eye, watching it carefully. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this shit. We should’ve eaten out.”

“Say that to Albert and he’ll give you empty cans for lunch.” Miles stepped in, nearly finishing his. I had finished mine already, the last cook was even worse than this one, so me and Paul decided that the sooner we eat it while it’s hot, the faster it’ll be gone, so I had learned to eat fast, leaving myself with just a glass of water and hesitation about getting tea. “And the Captain is indeed married with one child, actually.”

“How the fuck do you know, Miles?” Pete asked, poking the potato so much that I had a feeling that he hoped there will only be holes left of it and the cook would never find out. Miles thought for a while about his answer and pushed his plate away a bit, crossing his arms on the table.

“I think he might’ve told me or someone else might’ve said so. I can’t remember. You tend to remember...” He glanced at me suspciously, changing his phrase. “Those who are married.”

“True, those who had children too.” Julian piped up and I wondered what’s the big deal, but instead I stood up, excusing myself and I head towards the kettle. I wonder about Juju, Miles seems somewhere on the boarder, but that just might be me thinking too much of him, before I had dozen off before I had thought of him, letting him lull me into sleep. 

I get back with a cup of tea and Miles nodded towards me an Julian turned around to see me with a smug interested look in his face and I just silently sat back down, stirring the sugar in the mug. 

“Do you have a girlfriend, Alex? Someone waiting for you... out there?” And Miles asked, as everyone else quieted down, but there was still chatter among other tables. 

“No, actually. I’m pretty much single.” I said and I looked at him in the eye, wondering if I should fire away the same question.

“Fair enough.” Miles replied. 

“Do you have any idea who is the third loader?” Carl spoke up after watching all of us and shoving the potato down Pete’s throat after watching him poke the rest of them until they had all became mashed. 

“I don’t know him and he’s supposed to show up first thing before we leave, as well. I just hope he knows how to load, that’s all I care about.” Miles shrugged then he looked at me. “He should be your loader, actually. I’m not giving up Pete and neither is Juju giving up Carl.”

And he patted Julian on the shoulder as both smirked, quickly glancing at each other. Both had surely had some bathroom fuck session, but I let it slip through my mind. Funny how some people say that if it happened while at sea, it’s not gay, it’s always damn gay, more like you found yourself an excuse to fuck another man, that’s it or you couldn’t hold anymore. 

I get it, make the newbies stick together. 

We all finished eating and then scattered. 

I hesitate and think for a while. 

I think I’d rather change clothes and go to a gay bar, I decide for myself, but I thank Juju and pretend to go back to bed, as he leaves, checking his uniform and exits the bunks.

I lay for a while, tracing the bottom of Julian’s bunk, wondering what should I wear, since my uniform surely wouldn’t be suitable and I’m more recognizable this way. I raise the bunk, thinking that no one would head in, but that’s when I hear footsteps and I close the coffin locker too loudly, which causes Miles to stop at the door.

“Everything ok?” He asks me before we both register who each other is. I turn around to face him and he just smiles briefly before going to his bunk. We both stand near our bunks and then Miles just goes on top of it and lays down for a while.

Shit.

“How long have you been on this ship, Sir?” I ask him, starting small talk which would surely hold him even longer here.

Shit.

But then I could be going out to hunt out sailors, fair enough. I just raise the bunk and grab a random polo with my slingbag and stick it in.

Shit.

I’m sure he’s seen more than peculiar behaviour. 

“Four and a half months, actually. Not too long to get bored of it and I quite enjoy it, well, the other two guys were nuisance, but Juju’s fun, Pete and Carl are fun too. Just give Carl some time and Pete to sober up, when he’s sober, he’s less dumb and clingy.” He smirks. It dawns on me, Miles sleeps here.

Across me.

Technically all I have to do is stretch my arm at night to touch his fingers and face. 

I need to leave and get a damn shag. 

I don’t know what to reply, so I just salute and turn around to hear Miles himself stand up and open the coffin locker. 

I exit the ship, wondering which bar had Julian, Pete and Carl crawled into, but it would surely be something else than I would. I turn left as soon as I get out of the ship, lighting a cigarette and making a few bizarre turns until I reach an alleyway where I take off my hat and shirt, a bit too fast before sticking the uniform into the bag, knowing that I’ll have to iron it anyway later on.

I head onto the next street, watching a few people already walk drunk and I pass them, clutching onto my bag, hoping that no one will peak in or try to steal it, now that would be awkward if all they find is a sailor’s uniform. 

I check for people and with a deep breath I increase my step and pull the heavy door towards me before going down the steps, it’s funny how everyone increases their speed and until they are near the bar, ordering a drink, the anxiety doesn’t really wear off and neither it does in my case, when I see all the men talking together or girls flirting, music playing loudly. I run a hand through my hair, wishing I had something longer and less military-looking, I always have this feeling that everyone will know who I am. I squeeze past a few already made hookups, apologizing and get a few hungry stares.

I want my alcohol first, lads. 

I get a martini and I look around, wondering why I’m I here. I should be out catching the awful gays onboard my ship and frankly no one is stupid enough to have their uniform out here. I order a second one, with my head down, wondering what I’m I doing and it dawns on me that Paul is in jail and I got a job which lets me fuck men and then hand them over. I should be the sinner behind the bars if God exists, but then I’m just survining with whatever is given at me.

There was always something peculiar in the God fellow. He didn’t seem to like me or Paul or anyone who was gay, himself and the other people he had created. Something was surely wrong with him or maybe he had liked us and not the rest, the rest were just born out of old plasticine, the ancient fuck couldn’t be bothered to throw out.

I turn around, watching all the men inside, I skip past the woman and I’m sure both sides are very comfortable with that, they’ve got enough men hitting on them outside these queer doors. 

I get a third drink and my head is against the table, too many thoughts racing in my head, which I don’t even want to rethink.

How the fuck do I report to a man who won’t even look at me and read Dostoevsky who I could never stand and never understood the whole hype around the Soviet countries. Of course, we all knew that Hitler would attack them at some point, the point hadn’t been reached, but it was going to happen eventually. But the fact that it was going to happen, wouldn’t be avoided and sometimes you’d get people to talk about it and debate who would win. But it wasn’t a fist fight argument, it wasn’t on our soil and that’s all what mattered to people. 

My mom made a big fuss for me not to volunteer on any war, which made me question what the hell did she think the navy and the army was here for, to which she just said, darling, I don’t want to bury my son. Mind you, burying is also finding out that the son is gay.

I get a forth and I feel a arm on my shoulder and I turn around to ease in his gaze for a split second.

We both pull away, like burnt and Miles just raises his hands and turns around, leaving me red faced, flushed and feeling the alcohol in my mind swirl, drawing even more vivid pictures. I stand up to find him, but I don’t, I even wait in the queue for the bathroom to open up, but he’s still not there.

Shit. 

Shit.

Alex, wake up, he’s gay and he’s here. 

Shit. I still can’t find him and I don’t bother ordering a new drink and I don’t know how do I even ask, even I don’t go by my own name here, no one does unless you hookup and you want to be romantic for once. Or describing him the only thing which comes to my mind is “he has a military haircut”, which isn’t really appropriate in this context and I’ve got one myself.

I notice him chatting with someone else in one of the booths, clinging his glass to someone else’s and I don’t know if I should approach and I turn around, wondering and hoping he’d call me out.

What if he just doesn’t like me?

Shit, so I make my way to the exit.

I’m immune, he’s not, if he should be scared it would be of me. 

Shit.

I want to invite him to dance, I won’t be able to do this once we’re off shore. 

Shit.

I actually turn around and walk towards his booth and he turns around, his face paling lightly as the other man has longer hair than both of us and is slicked. Miles drains his cocktail as the other man glances at both of us.

“Can I invite you for a dance?” I really struggle not to add Sir and not to fucking salute to which Miles raises an eyebrow, pats the other man’s hand and stands up. I take his hand, pulling him onto the dance floor, wondering what the fuck I’m I doing.

Shit. 

I can’t do this.

I don’t want to report him. 

Miles turns me around and I wish I had chucked my slingbag somewhere, I wonder where is his and we stare at each other.

What the fuck do I say?

I run my hand up to his elbow and Miles sighs. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get a straight crew now.” He smirks and I blink. So... Juju is gay too? Pete and Carl had my suspicions, but Juju could be pictured with a woman and three children, who sent him candy. Miles looks at me confused. “Alex, we’re in the navy. everyone is damn gay.”

I feel him be uncomfortable so I pull him in a dance, putting my hands on his back.

“I know... just...” Shit. I feel so dumbstruck that I even wonder now how the fuck I’m I not a virgin and I’ve managed to fuck men over the years, attractive men, way out of my league. “I’m sorry, I...”

“You didn’t expect me to be gay?” Miles smirks and we’re still dancing on knives. 

“Yeah.” I say and I dare myself to look into his eyes and I watch them soften. His hand travels to the back of my head and I start breathing heavily, watching everything blur out as he presses his lips against my own. I don’t think either of us have fallen yet, but tonight seems like that night before everything shatters and I feel myself loosen as I kiss him back, pulling him closer, feeling my tongue brush against his and I give a low moan, which is muffled to everyone else by the music and the laughter. 

We pull away.

It’s not wrong that it’s gay.

It’s just...

“I’m sorry.” Miles apologizes and his hands fall to his side, feels like a sudden burn. He nods towards the door and makes his way towards it.

Shit.

I grab him again and then I pull him back towards me and I see him pause his breath for a second as I hold him tighter. 

“I invited you for a dance, it’s not over yet.” I smirk and press a soft short kiss on the lips I’ve noticed before. It feels natural, beyond these doors it feels natural, with all the queers hooking up, making love, continuing to hope for something when not just behind these door is ok to make out. And I pull Miles closer, kissing him one last time, pressing my cheek against his as he strokes the back of my neck with his fingers and I can’t resist from kissing him again, deepening the kiss, yet holding my hands to myself.

Shit, just don’t fuck, don’t fuck.

-

I can't keep them apart. I try and miserably fail and Alex just wanders back into the bar and fucking asks Miles to dance T___T but I love them scghsdcgs

I still haven't decided who the 3rd loader is, so I am shamelessly using that :D no one knows and I don't and the loader will be in the morning (in the story of course xD)

And Jamie Hince appeared! Yay :D 

And yeah, so far everyone is gay in Miles' crew. So far. Mysterious 3rd loader XD 

I really love both Miles and Alex, but yeah, stuff ahead, stuff ahead :D

I hope you liked it and please tell me if you want the next part :D

<3

To Miles 4