Saturday, 9 November 2013

To Miles 7

I don’t think anything can stop us and something is driving us, maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s love, maybe it’s lust, maybe it’s just simple attraction but when you think of reality

how the fuck else are you supposed to meet men when you shouldn’t even be seen standing together in any way, that even homophobic ideas have been done by the current damned President.

People seem to like politicians, people are eager

well, all of them are bastards.

Not even one has ever woken up and thought, wow, what if that lad I had made out with last night deserves a better life?

No, they just fuck their wives, get the pregnant and start a war.

Or try to do one or close their eyes on one. 

By midday the words spread, when I’m trying to check if everything is working and the damn hatch isn’t opening again and the one who tells me this is Carlos, who I had shooed off, convincing that I was going to do the inspection by myself out of my own goodwill, which is a damned lie, I just didn’t want to see him mess around and put the ammunition near where my legs are supposed to be, because if he gets a break, he wants enough space to stretch his legs out and by his logic, I am standing, so I don’t need any extra space. 

Poland gets attacked and we get told through the speakers and that’s when everyone’s breath freezes, people start talking how the fight has started, how some had predicted it, some say that they had told so, others still think that nothing will happen and I’m guessing Stalin is among them. 

People hate communism, frankly, I don’t give a fuck, I’m hated and I’ll be jailed in both places, just the punishment is different. 

Me and Miles had made out, before sliding to the floor and I had smirked, telling Miles that he’s keeping his promise.

“You’re keeping yours, then.” Miles smirked then, ruffling my hair before pressing a kiss against my lips. 

“What the fuck did I promise?” I had laughed back. Miles started laughing and I couldn’t help but feel contaminated by his laughter and I joined in before we had started kissing again. 

“Nothing, just pulling your leg.” I felt like goo and let it be this way, let it be this way for now. “What the fuck do you want me to promise you, then?”

I slid my tongue in his mouth and it all started all over again, Miles pinning me now onto the floor. We both freeze as his hands pin mine down as well. 

“...Just promise...” Miles says and we had muted out each other’s thoughts by kissing again. But Miles had leaned back, speaking against my lips, his eyes nearly closed. “To somehow be mine someday.”

And with those memories I try to open the hatch again, by myself, embarrassed, by the promise which had slipped past my lips, but I don’t have to hold promises, I’ve promised to never touch a man in church and frankly, I touch men too often to be dismissed. 

We hadn’t taken too long, realizing that now we were bonded by a bizarre promise said in the height of our passion and we had both left, agreeing to meet again and I still looking at it now, tell myself, once Carlos gets out of the turret again, that it had been for then, for that moment I had promised, for now, I am single and actually I am

I should sleep with men and deport them, pull them apart for my sake, for if there is God, this is what the son of a bitch wants me to do, so maybe he’ll close his eyes

Who the fuck am I kidding

There is no God,

but I still should do my job and with a sudden pull I open the hatch open, in victory and at war with myself and mercy. I lean back, stretching my arms out, reaching the top and maybe this is where I should be thankful for my height, fuck you, Carlos, stretch out your damn legs and I can stretch out my arms, whenever your face doesn’t enter the turret with the damned body. 

I keep thinking of Miles and I can’t discard my thoughts of him, he’s stuck and sewed in too deep with those big eyes. I had stared back at him, a bit shocked and drunk from the feeling and I had slipped down on the floor, causing Miles to smirk lightly and put his hand on my hair, stroking it. I looked up, as he just looked ahead.

“I’m sorry.” He had said and I just wondered, way too much. What should I reply? Do I reply? 

I mute out the memory, checking the sights to make sure they are calibrated. I still have the feel of his fingers against my cheek and his smile, how he always had looked at me and I try to shoo all of it off, maybe the fact that I had promised something I wouldn’t keep or rather I knew I would keep, kept nagging

and we still hadn’t touched each other properly. 

I wonder what would’ve happened then with his hand trailing on my lips, as I kissed them, the cold floor pressing against my bare back and both of our shirts left discarded, what if we had both been open, let the world toss and turn, but then we’d both be jailed, in an endless cycle, never to be together.

It’s weird knowing that even in a stock room, you’re safe, at least for that second when I sat up and kissed him, promising again, opening my mouth against his, our tongues rubbing and shit

I hear a knock, my memories never daring to scatter, as we had both had departed, noting to meet each other at some other point and frankly, even in my eyes it was getting stupid that we were at high school level, but then when you think of it, both of our lives are at stake. We’d be like Cookie and he still stands next to me like a ghost and frankly, the stupid thought which calls my attention was that I had promised to meet him today and I didn’t, instead I had Miles.

I make sure that the sights are on the right height and correspond to the chart on the right, to make sure that I know where the fuck I’ll be shooting and now with Poland attacked, it’s only hours before Europe reacts and then, Roosevelt will end up doing some shit like the idea of me catching gay men. Still amuses me that someone with such an idea ended up being president, but then, I guess anyone would in the whole homosexuality is a sin.

The banging continues and I just sigh as the door opens and I expect to see Carlos, but instead Juju walks in and I just turn around, checking the sights again. He waits for a while, as I keep making sure, checking with the poster and finally noticing what’s keeping me and I try to adjust them, as the taller man walks up to me.

“Need help? I finished about fifteen minutes ago and Miles shooed me off.” He pouted and leaned against the wall of the turret, looking around. 

“No, don’t worry, I’m nearly done.” I say, still fiddling with the sights. Julian just paces a bit, which is really two steps towards the door and back. I hear him sigh and I try to concentrate. 

“Hey, Al.” He says and I think I’ve adjusted it and I look down to check the wheel and I spin it for a bit, making sure it doesn’t get stuck at any annoying moment, but I make sure to give a light nod, to make sure Julian knows I’m listening. I glance at him so see him hesitate and focus his gaze on the poster, because frankly when you’re not shooting, this is pretty much boring. But when you do you’re either at practice, which is fun or you’re scared the shit out and you have to quickly think where to shoot and if it will do some damage. 

“Julian, you ok?” I ask and step forward to check the hatch, if it’s jammed like Miles’ was. Julian just nods as I catch him and I just keep observing him, Miles had said that it’s not the right time to defend Cookie and Miles had mentioned that Jules is gay, but I don’t say anything, keeping my lips sealed, even if I know that I am the only one who I should fear, because frankly the right decision would be handing in myself as well, but even if I send men to such fate, I wouldn’t send myself. I think the hunting down myself is left to everyone else, unfortunately, just like I had to hunt down Cookie, which I barely did, I am just as easy really. You just force me to crack.

“Just... I don’t think Cookie was gay, you know.” He blurs it out and holds a while, as I turn around and I cross my arms, not feeling comfortable, I really don’t want to discuss someone else’s sexuality, not just because I had sent them, but just because I’m used to being somewhere which is frankly not a gay bar and then the accusations start, that guy is gay, that girl is a lesbian, what faggots and so on.

“I just... He had a girlfriend.” Julian says.

“A lot of men who happen to be homosexual have girlfriends, Juju.” I say and I really wish I could smoke, but this isn’t the right place and even if I don’t want to have this conversation and frankly not with Julian. I swallow, feeling myself reach some pinch of anxiety. Shit, not Juju. 

I wish Carlos was gay and I could just send him off and I feel cruel for thinking such.

“Yes! I know, but fuck, he wasn’t, Al, he wasn’t.” Julian mumbles, scratching his arm and I feel him feel uncomfortable and we’re standing right in front of each other, so frankly it’s even awkward to look away, so I fix my eyes on his, feeling a bit of fear as well. 

“Well... some men think that if it’s on a boat, it’s not gay. Jules, I really don’t know.” I can’t avoid him and I’d have to push him or pin him against the wall to get the fuck out of here.

“Al, I’m telling you, he wasn’t gay. What if this was done on purpose?” Sure, on purpose, that’s why he made out with me, but Juju for the love of everything should never find out, I keep my eyes on him and he’s taller than I am, so I have to tilt my neck a bit, but not too much. 

“I... really don’t think so, Jules.” I swallow. If he gets into this, it’s his fault and I’m safe and me and Miles are safe. Shit. No.

“Look, maybe it’s not Cookie’s fault at all, but point is, he got sent off, Juju, there’s nothing we can do. We even got a new mechanic.” I put my hand on Julian’s shoulder, which I see makes him feel a bit different and he seems more awake, so I pull it back and fold my arms again, openly knowing that it’s me doing a barrier. But Juju chews on my words.

“It’s not his fault, that he’s...” He tilts his head.

“Gay?” He ads the last word, making sure to register all of my reactions and I just shrug with my shoulders and I shake my head. 

“No, I mean, in the end does it fucking matter who the mechanic is sleeping with...” Usually I’d add as long as it’s not me, but I bite my tongue and I watch Julian’s reaction who just watches me and it feels like a staring contest, only we’re even encouraged to blink in amusement or confusion. “It’s his fucking problem if he gets laid or not really.”

We both smirk in unison and we both even look away for a while. Shit, he knows I’m gay, no one really stands up for homosexuals unless they are one or they sleep with the same gender. 

“No, no, of course. So... would you mind that he’s gay?” Julian asks me, now looking back at me with a glint in his eye. Shit. I just shake my head. Julian bites his tongue and I know where this is heading. I take a soft step back, just by rocking on the soles of my feet, just to give myself some personal space and I give out a forced smile, but then I know that Juju is gay and frankly, I prefer gay men not even just for fucking. The only straight man I can stand is Matt, who most likely is buzzing the tower and getting shit for it. 

“No, not at all.” I don’t tell him I’m gay, but it’s more than obvious that I have something for men and I look back at him, his eyes a different shade of brown and as I look, I wonder how many brown eyes people do we have in our crew. 

“Cool.” Julian says and we both hold our silence, I see Julian fidgeting, but I don’t do anything, if he does it’s his fault but the air is pretty tense. The man waits for me to say something, but I don’t and I keep my silence, looking at him and this is pretty much... gay. 

“Cool. Coz I’m cool with gay men and gay women, too. I mean, yeah. It doesn’t matter who you fuck, well, to religion it does, but... yeah.” And he stretches the yeah a bit too much and even repeats yeah. I just wonder if we should wrap this up, because I really need a smoke and frankly I’ve fiddled enough with the sights today. 

“Um, Julian, I really want to smoke and I don’t think smoking here is a good idea.” I nearly mumble, but I see that the question is still hanging above us. Shit. Well, if I say I’m gay, I can easily say I did it to catch out the gays, because Hince will laugh in anyone’s face who calls me gay because I’m the angel. 

“Yeah, sure.” And I step closer towards him and he leans his head down, but we’re not too close, so that’s ok, so he points his finger at me and pokes me. Juju sighs and I wait for him. Maybe I should just spill. “You... well, men don’t go defending homosexuals, you do know that?”

“Yeah?” I act clueless. I really try to and Jules pokes me again. I hold my breath as he relaxes his hand, but thankfully nothing comes. 

“You’re... you’re... well, not into women, are you?” He finally speaks out and I just nod in haste, trying to get rid of it. Julian blinks in victory and grins, well, he found a new gay man after all and it’s weird that this can be interpreted actually will be seen as me luring the homosexuals out. He also lets out a breath he’s been holding. “Cool, coz, um, I’m gay, so yeah, if you are... that’s cool.”

I just nod.

“Um, yeah, cool.” I say, nearly mimicking him and I really want to get out of this turret before he repeats what Cookie will be regretting harder every day in jail and it stings me. Instead, Julian keeps his hands to himself, but he still watches me.

It’s funny, it’s not scary to come out for once, because all is supposedly a mask, which is actually my face.

“Yeah, I’m gay too.”


I had a choice of leaving it on a cliffhanger or not and guess what I chose XD

anyway, I've been thinking a lot and some characters will eventually come back and I know what's going to happen to them xD excited about them, so yeah:D and those who will appear for the first time

and we're in war, um, yay? xD 

I've been pushing the scene with Juju away so long XD and yeah, there's more Julian to come, much more I'm guessing xD but Miles too:3 gah, Miles :3 

I'm knackered and I'm sorry I've been busy but here's the new chapter and the weekend is ahead and dkhcdjskckjs

I miss the other stories too, though, but I need to do Nano and I love this story and yeah @.@ 

Speaking of missing other stories, I should include a character soon, shit, forgot about him >.>

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request the next chapter :3

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