Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Blue/Jacket 12

My mind keeps ticking.

I want him desperately, even my thoughts are a big ice cream scoop of everything.

Now it was real, it wasn't blowing straw wrappers at each other while dirty talking with what we would do with each other anymore. It was something else, it was the real thing, no matter how bad it sounded, it seemed to be grasping us and pulling by the hair.

I couldn't help but even feel jealous of myself that I was getting laid somehow. Somehow he was into me and I kissed him, feeling his fingers tease me even more, even if it was clumsy and it was a bit all over the place. I felt myself heating up from the quick break we took from kissing and seeing him look so lustfully at me made me feel elevated and somehow a bit adored, as well as heavily dazed.

I recall all the disasters I've heard of where is your dick and how one isn't a man just because the junk isn't the one one desires. And somehow those things aren't on Jamie's lips. Somehow it so happens that it goes beyond attraction, that there is no foolish fear of being less gay. I still feel scared, but he's touching me and I don't even know where to hide, and how come this is happening, that I break everything by kissing him and holding it, before passion takes me for a whirl and I open my mouth, feeling his tongue against mine. I grind heavily against him, being more afraid of touching him back, feeling my whole body naked and vulnerable and somehow receiving pleasure rather than some sort of black despair. I kiss Jamie's neck, pushing him lower against the bed, kissing him downwards, as he closes his eyes and his hand is on the back of my head, guiding me lower.

I feel far too innocent than I wish I would've been. I wish I had some experience, but my body and my mouth travel far faster than I wish they would. I pull his underwear down, exposing him entirely in front of me. I'm far too desperate to tease him, so I just take him in my mouth, gripping his hips, taking in as much as an amateur can, Jamie pushing me to take more, so I gag lightly, getting turned on as I start booming him, in and out, always making sure to check him as he keeps his eyes closed and breathing heavily. I have no idea how can I even deliver pleasure when my only window into sex was porn and frankly my own hand and a handful of curiosity. And even then I had gotten close only with old boyfriends before I had known I was trans, and a few girls which I experimented with, thinking that perhaps the deviant side of me was somehow queer.

I try to keep my mind calm, even if it keeps racing and I get even more turned on, touching myself now as I give Jamie a blow job.

I fear so much

I take him out of my mouth, as Jamie now pins me down, kissing me again and I'm sure he can taste himself. The thought turns me on as he continues to stroke me again, clumsily as I grind against him.

Jamie sits up and asks me if I'm alright, which takes me a bit by surprise as I just sit up as well, kiss him and lay back down. He traces his hands down my body, takes the condom and breaks it open. I get a bit anxious from thinking, but I close my eyes, feeling Jamie's hand on my chest as he positions himself and he slides in a bit too fast, causing me to open my eyes fast and gasp. It's an odd feeling at first, as he doesn't even try to move, stroking my cheek, then he starts moving. I grasp onto him, my mind racing and my body now hitting waves of pleasure I had only toyed with and it's coming from a man who I crush on. I try not to think much of Alex, but he crosses my mind, how I had thought that somehow I would be having sex with him instead, but life goes in its bizarre ways.

Maybe it wasn't fated after all-

Jamie goes deeper now.

I moan, pulling him onto me, as he grabs me by my chin and kisses me again, his tongue rubbing heavily against my own, easing me and somehow driving me far more crazy and turned on. I pull him closer, breathing into his ear to go even deeper and harder, as he does so, licking my neck.

He starts going in and out, teasing me by doing it slower, but it only brings me closer to an orgasm. We both start moaning into each other's mouths, my hand now barely doing anything to myself, as I push myself further, Jamie now biting my neck-

I feel closer and closer, breathing heavily

I hear Jamie let out a very loud moan and I gasp, unravelling completely and moaning heavier as he keeps thrusting in me, as we both clutch onto the orgasm.

Eventually we both lose energy and Jamie stops, collapsing on top of me, as I kiss his forehead and proceed back to my heavy breathing.

It feel even more surreal as I stare at the ceiling, now on my back and Jamie on his side, canoodling me.

For the first time in years I dream of a woman, they come to me rarely in my dreams and when I was growing up there were a handful and they were sexual dreams, which looking back I just felt pressured into liking women or maybe sexuality is fluid to some extent. Who will know what actually was written there in the past? Who knows what motivates our dreams?

She looks at me and I see her, she's a nun with black hair. Besides her I see completely nothing, she gives me the shivers as she leans heavily close to me. She makes sure that there is no one left and then I see the man engulfed in flames again, his hair sparkling and roaring. She tries to put her hands to the flames and stops there, as if warming up, before the other man just stares at her, confused, as she then proceeds to take off the cross she is wearing around her frail neck. She looks a bit too skinny and underfed, but she doesn't look like your average nun with a bit of blush on her cheeks and dark lipstick, maybe her outfit is the only thing which gives it away and it could be a Halloween costume as well. Soon enough I can start seeing the outlines of things, I see that we're in the same room and the man engulfed by flames leans and eventually sits near Jamie, who seems to be barely breathing.

“He's a sight, isn't he?” He asks in a very familiar and deep voice, looking at me through his red eyes and pale skin. He doesn't dare to touch Jamie, but he makes sure that he keeps looking at me. The girl stands up and starts doing a cartwheel in the end of the bedroom, nearly knocking down the television to which she nearly apologizes for.

That's when Alex knocks in and appears in his famous jacket. He doesn't seem to notice me, but he heads in and sits at the end of the bed, as if waiting for something to happen. But that's the problem with Alex, as if he knows, he does nothing, as if he knows what is happening outside of everything, he does nothing. He lets the man and the woman exchange looks and the man throws some dice to roll and offers a game of yatzee.

“Miles, what game of yatzee?” And I hear a following laughter, as I open my eyes and I didn't even realize that I had fallen asleep and the same had apparently happened to Jamie, as we both wake up to snow going behind the window, greeting us as the new season tips it's hat to us. It's pitch black outside and makes me go under the covers as Jamie laughs at me. I just shush at him, as if closing my eyes again would help the snow go away.

He just strokes my hair and I wonder what else he is doing, so I open my eyes to see the white speckles of snow contrast against the dark days of winter tiptoeing on us. But sleep seems to take over me and drag me by the collar again, so I just allow myself to sleep, thinking of places which will slip away from me once I visit them because time had touched them.

When life gives you a calm routine, it's only one's head left to mess it all up, that's when the depression acts up, anxiety dawns on you and everything seems to be falling apart inside. I don't even realize how thankful I should be for the days where I wake up with Jamie by my side and somehow I dread showing up to his at Jack's, where he holds one room which has clothes scattered, a bunch of books opened and turned over on random pages with scribbles on them and some cut-outs on the walls. It wasn't the room I was scared of, but rather Jack who seemed to intimidate me somehow. He would seem calm, but once I saw him drop a plate he was carrying and he just continued to stare at the shards until Jamie had snapped him out of it and that had been it for me, that was the only odd thing, but his calmness which was a heavy contrast to Alex's mood seemed to be enough.

Alex wasn't bitter, he just seemed sad, drinking tea quietly and inviting us over even if we ourselves didn't declare anything, he still called us boyfriends and neither of us budged on the names we were given. Only after several nights Jamie asked me and I just said that things were taking their course, so perhaps we were boyfriends after all. I kept pondering on Jack, who was quiet, but in a different, calm way, as if observing everything which was happening through a lens, maybe he was at a game of chess and was just watching it, one of the weird people who do that eventually.

I wondered, as if I were sitting opposite Alex on a long table, how did he feel that now I was dating Jamie and he had been discarded? How did he feel indeed? And how would all of this continue unravelling, how come love triangles would always repeat themselves with one being left alone and none had a nice polyamorous ending which would suffice to all? I wondered if I could ever ask him that and how come with all the dreams I didn't end up with Alex and he would still come to my dreams and we would talk.

But depression becomes more than a filthy pillow to sleep on, it just keeps dragging on and on if you look upwards. I keep pondering and recalling how odd it is that the world still moves regardless if you do anything at all. That you can barely ever influence anything, you can't change anything other than your own small moves and on some days that is never comforting, but rather alarming.

Winter seems to be feeding us slowly by the spoon and summer feels no longer near as the weather just gets worse just by looking outside and seeing the snow.

Not thinking about Alex is hard. Alex was like a lost love I couldn't get over. It didn't matter, he would always come back swinging in thoughts and bumping into him was making it worse and seeing him trade his leather jacket for a coat, but he would wear it inside sometimes when the heating would be bad.

How can you know which wishes will come true and which won't?

How do you know when you have fallen in love and why you won't act on it?

I end up standing near Alex's door, winter fully talking over Stockholm with yesterday's storm and the suicide which made all the trains freeze and me and Jamie were left on a station, which I had never been before. I couldn't even recall the name and all of us had to wait outside, in the snow waiting for the buses to come and pick us up. It made me think about Alex, whilst I was warm in Jamie's arms. It made me think far too much. I found myself roaming with boredom because I had settled already. It was an odd feeling, but it was demented.

I remember that once we got on the bus, I had fallen asleep and through the whole dream I could feel Jamie's fingers going through my hair.

I think there are the two types of people in love: those who throw you under the bus and those who don't. Sometimes it so happens that you get the same type in a relationship, sometimes it's the opposite. Despite all the reassurance sometimes I still dream of myself as a woman, scared that no one else will see me as male. I was back to my closeted days with longer hair and I was in a relationship with Alex, he was still wearing the jacket only know it was more worn out. He told me that I should try stealing some office supplies from the store. And once I was going outside, he grabbed me by the backpack I was carrying apparently, telling me that men will throw the women under the bus, making me jerk and look back at him, confused.

The store owners came back only to accuse me of stealing. I said that I had money to pay for said supplies, thinking that 400 kroner would be enough. But they just laughed at me, saying that it wasn't enough. Ironically it was what I had in my wallet in real life as well. I have no idea why couldn't I pay with card either, so Alex just looked at me, before asking if they would take a cheque, ignoring that he had been laughing all this damn time. They took his cheque and that had been it.

I ended up jerking, causing Jamie to hold me and stroke me further, calming me down as I just looked at him bewildered. It wasn't great to be misgendered in a dream and I knew that day dreams meant nothing unlike night ones. But I just remained silent for the rest of the trip, wondering why the hell did we live in the last station. I stopped at the we and just looked up to see now Jamie dozing off from the long ride, as if the train would be any faster.

In the end I just shiver and decide to ring on Alex's door bell, because if you're not the one to confront your nightmares and dreams, there will be no one left. He ditched his leather jacket, so I'm surprised regardless to see him in a stripy shirt, which looks very naval and he just invites me inside.

I don't even know how to approach the subject or how to even tell him such and where do we go from there, but then maybe it's just me being eager to make things happen. Jamie had ditched his fear of Alex long ago and I was left with a boyfriend. It felt as if I wouldn't do anything, nothing would actually happen. I shouldn't be doing this over my boyfriend's back either. But I can't deny now, that I'm juggling both of them and I seem to be in a haze of confusion when it came to both men and it was flattering because I was transgender after all and that was hard to bite into, it was hard to understand that I would somehow manage to lure two men in. I always thought myself to be too simple with my music taste and my freelancing, because that was what was dug into my skull by my relatives. They judged me being a freelancer in the small times that I would call them but even then I wondered if I should reconcile, like that article by a trans woman saying that you should still send cards because they'll know that you sent them off.

Alex makes me lemon tea as usual and I sit down. I can see that he is surprised and relieved that Jamie is not by my side, that he is sleeping after a long night of me working and him just browsing the internet. I can't understand how this idle togetherness is getting under my skin already even if I know that the answer is because I can't understand the dreams and I don't want to leave it alone at all. I know that I want all the answers, and how come Alex and Jamie split is also echoing in my head, the curiosity is something I don't know how to deal with as well. I can't understand how either of them choose someone else when they had been together for a long while and then Alex had cheated, because it just feels to me that there was something else, but that could be because I can't justify Alex's actions in my mind.

I blow on my tea, not expecting it to cool down so fast. I don't know how to speak and I have a boyfriend, maybe I should've just left it and let some love flourish and I know that Jack had called us cute the one time we went over, as he watched us carefully. I could see everything through his curls and I wondered what was his big deal. But that could've also been a question I could ask Alex, and how I don't want to ask Jamie further makes me feel even shittier. But instead I just make myself comfortable and make sure that I am as opposite as I can be of my dreamer boy, who has been in my dreams longer than I have known myself.

Maybe I should've left him alone.

But my mind has a voice of its own and it seems direct from the heart.  


I think it was very mean of me to leave it in the middle of the sex scene but I really wanted it out and I was desperate and my mind shuts off once I reach the word count anyway xD more or less. 

Also as I was writing this chapter I felt like I was slowly making a turn towards the end, kind of going towards the climax, I get these feelings like is the story becoming too long? And then I start thinking of the ending, it's kind of how I roll and this story has been ongoing for a few years, so maybe it's time for it to start going towards that direction at least. Also Start Finding Passion had ended ages ago even if it was supposed to be short. I'm actually looking forward to having this story done and concluding all the questions which have been opened both in B/J (ahahahah, the abbreviation) and SFP. But you know me, it's still going to take a while to finish this one off.

I think I covered all the grounds when it comes to me, sex and this story in the previous back story. 

Also, shout out to The Kills' new songs which are amazing and have fuelled this story through and through specifically during this chapter. 

Throwing straw wrappers is a personal to me thing, my favourite love story of all is, I've surely mentioned it before, is a Radiohead fanfiction called Gagging Order. Unfortunately it's been taken down as I found out recently, so I can no longer link to it. For some reason the scene where Jonny blows a straw wrapper to Thom stuck to my mind and I even do that to Callie all the time, so I kind of did that as a small love scene. 

I'm also super pleased with how the love lines are going in the story. 

And I was thinking earlier today how happy I am with Miles and how much I can relate to him since we're both trans men and all. 

About Miles' and fate it's hard because I've kind of given up on my own, so it was trying to find the faith to continue the story because it's very different from my own even if I had based the feelings and the dreams on my own. That's why I had been leaning so heavily upon Jamie, matching the story and now it's really time to resume despite what's going on with me, so yeah. I'll be watching mine unfold someday, I just don't think now is the time and I guessed wrong with the said person, I think, but then who knows. I can never tell and nothing is really concrete. So I had to find the power in me to continue despite my own sadder version and whatnot. 

I think the hardest thing to describe is an orgasm, at least to me, because you need to drive the characters to such a point where they can only unravel and that's still quite hard, like in sex really. 

I still dream of women sometimes, just like Miles, so I included that and well, I was actually thinking to leave the character of the woman out (is it obvious who I chose for the role?) but as I was writing I decided, you know what the idea of putting her there would be amazing and her role. 

Also besides the orgasms, what's hard to describe is the dreams which Miles has and I had turned off the lights to describe the first dream sequence here and listened to old Dead Weather stuff, because God knows the new stuff isn't so good, well, if you ask me. I actually listen to Old Mary a lot when it comes to the dark underplots of Blue/Jacket and this chapter nearly all of it was written under Echo Home and Siberian Nights. Siberian Nights heavily on repeat though. 

I for some reason give the same region of Stockholm to my stories set in Stockholm and in that apartment which we shared and I base so many things from I had played yatzee for the first time. 

Also it's summer and I've been writing this story like under 26 degrees so it's been rather odd describing a suffocatingly cold winter. 

We actually got stranded once along with the whole train because someone had committed suicide and I decided that well, it had to be included. I couldn't recall which station was it that we were dropped off at and decided to leave it as such. 

The second dream was something I had dreamt only it was much longer and I just wrote some notes, as I had woken up to write it down for a story idea. That's what I do super often. I didn't know where to use it until I opened Blue/Jacket and decided to give it a whirl here. 

I struggled whether I should use Jamie or Alex in the dream sequence. But it's a day dream so it doesn't mean... much >:)

As I was talking about the ending and all, that's why I made Miles walk up to Alex and decide to finally tell him, which will be in the next chapter, of course. 

Also great pat on the back for me because I managed to update in 3 days x)

I hope you enjoyed it just as greatly as I did. 

Thank you so much and if you liked it please tell me so



Sunday, 22 May 2016

Relationship Values 8

Leaving Lana was painful. Moving away from her and packing my stuff while memories were flooding me were impossible. I could see her laughing in my mind, as she stood with tears in her eyes, completely baffled as I was leaving.
Jamie sits opposite me and I want to talk. I've never properly spoken to him about Lana. He had never known.
I bite my straw, something which had always irritated him, but he has no power to nag about it, now it's just me and he observes me as I continue doing so. I wonder if there is anything which irritates him these days about Jack now. I wonder how even he is, since I've never known him. I wonder how much more different he is from me and what such qualities had attracted him. I wonder who even is he besides being a lawyer and I imagine him tall and dark, maybe blonde, I don't know. All I know is that he's the one who pins my ex-husband down and gives him pleasure which I can't give anymore.

It's odd that both my partners are pinned down by someone else and I am left alone, just because I had wanted to be free by the end of the day. Maybe the freest are the ones who are pinned down by their regrets and their past? I didn't know how could life progress at all. I didn't know how I could forget my sister completely.

Sometimes I wouldn't even miss Lana, I would just miss the void she had left. I didn't regret leaving her, I just regretted being with someone else. But I would miss everything about her. I never liked the whole if you love them, let them go. Because that is just selfish and I knew that I had left Lana out of pure selfishness.

Melancholy is somehow the poison which is my blood.

Is it a bad thing to reconcile with the dead?

It would be something Lana would ask me, confused and if we were in touch properly, if there was no sarcasm wrapped around in her silk replies. We both felt the guilt of our mother passing away because none of us were checking on her even if the autopsy just showed that age had decided to take her away. The problem is that people don't think they deserve to talk about emotional abuse especially the heavy baggage it drains with it. Mom was never soft with us, making us both just rely on each other heavier, because not one soft word would be uttered from her mouth. And by the end of the day she was just a fading character, because it were so hard. I had yelled at her, telling her that she was the result of everything which had gone wrong with me up to my separation with Jamie. That it was her which would tell me how important it was to be alone and once the feeling would vanish, then you should just continue running at least to have an illusion of being free.

That I also never believed that Jamie would ever love me, just because she had told me so.

But she had passed before I had made even more connections, because just like falling stars glued to the ceiling I couldn't see everything she had told me.

She was also the reason that me and Lana were in such a bizarre relationship as sisters, because there was no one else we could trust. Because we feared her and we held onto the only love we saw.

When it came to mother it was tiring, because it always felt that I would never achieve anything that she would do, it felt like a waltz where we were both uneven and even now I have to fight Lana for her house. Now I had switched dance partners and I was left with my sister, who was the only woman I had been with.

Lana made me question my sexuality, what else was left of it and I would get offended at Jamie who would tell me that I was attracted to men, erasing my past with a woman, even if I knew that I wouldn't go into the same river twice. I would get annoyed at anyone who would claim something like that if they had known. And the more I would think about it, the more I would think of men. Jamie had barely known anything about Lana and that had been it. He would make my mind swirl and my whole back bend into two backwards, because I would've known all the love I had felt for him and now I was letting him go even if we had some tension. And that's the problem, you break up with people you love, people you like and never let go of them in the mind, and that's all. The never-ending love ends between the two people and hides within one or both.

I didn't even know why was I even driving and what else had been motivating me and I knew that my memories were much brighter than anything else. I knew that I could stop and cry, but I couldn't. instead I would keep on driving nearly resorting to circles.

I know that today I will love and tomorrow I will forget.

I even make a sharp turn, hair in my face from the open window and wonder how come I don't crash into anyone. I decide that I should be going back, where I came from and face Jamie again, knowing that I am making sure that the process is as far away as possible, just because I don't want it and I know that Lana doesn't need the house in the way I do, she's just trying to get under my skin. I seemed to have some faith in Jamie, even if I've just seen him do his work at home and going to bed later than he would. That was it when it came to him working around me.

I drove back, only to find him gone and I wondered if he had gone shopping or something, I ended up raiding the entire house for a note, as if he would have left one.

Walking alone around the house, even if I had done that last night after Jamie had gone back to sleep, made me feel lonely and crave to go somewhere elsewhere.

I felt like crying.

I just sat under the kitchen counter, missing him far too much and slowly starting to regret pushing Lana so far away from me, that I should've never left her, maybe I should've never married Jamie either. My mind was goo and I kept trying to stick my fingers in further so that I could feel everything since I couldn't see anymore.

I felt like I hadn't known myself.

That I didn't make sense raiding for lesbian literature in stores when it was me and Lana, discovering a forbidden world even if I had touched it. And at the same time I had married Jamie, both of us wearing suits which made many question but everyone came anyway and my mom uttered what a disaster had my choice been and that it seemed as if we were two gay men getting married.

I seemed to be so different.

I had believed in so many things.

And then I had thrown them all away.

I actually started crying under said counter, that Jamie had shown up with food, because we were both mediocre cooks, never understanding how to actually peel an onion properly. Were they even peeled or just sliced? My memory was falling completely away from me.

I had loved two people so dearly and it was me, pushing them away. There was barely any why behind it. Just the fact that I had met Jamie, who was then a photographer and he had started flirting with me so intensely, mesmerized by me. He was also older by ten years and I had only felt flattered, being so young that an older man had looked at me even sideways once. I didn't feel guilt back then, I just wanted to keep seeing him again and again and he kept taking photos of me again and again.

I don't even think that Jamie had brought a camera with him on this brief trip. I could see him leave them all somewhere locked, as if they were a reminder maybe of our failed marriage?

He had asked me so many times why had I left and I could never answer anything beyond that I wanted to be alone. Because it was Lana then it was him for so many years after the brief years affair with Lana, over ten years was something too big which I had thrown away so desperately. I never found the perfect solitude I had wished for, instead I had found myself recalling all my relationships every single day and never feeling complete, wondering what else could I have done. How could I have loved. But the idea of being with them forever was driving me insane, I couldn't imagine being with one person forever, the thought scared me even if I had stayed with Jamie for so long and I had stayed faithful. I was unique for a cheating person. I had no desire for Lana after that. The only tragedy that I had found was the confusion of my own gender.

I had started hearing the door, Jamie knowing that I had never locked it because the house was so distant from anything and I just believed in the good will of people and besides my paintings there was never much to steal besides an old iPhone and some technology I had struggled with. I tried to rub off my tears but even more came, as desperation was straddling me, telling to let Jamie see me. He put the grocery bag down and leaned down to me, quickly raiding his pockets for anything, before grabbing some kitchen towels and giving them to me.

He spoke of my mother and how sorry he had been.

I just looked at him and pulled him to myself, as he immediately hugged me back, as if nothing was wrong and I was crying as usual.


I know, it's been over a month and I frankly vanished off the surface. I've been really busy with everything and due to that I took a break and because I didn't know how long it would take me, I didn't do a post or anything and I want to say that I'm back but I dislike doing promises, coz I say that I'll straighten out the schedule, but I don't, so I'll just say that I'll try my very best. 

I wrote this a few days ago and it took me a while, to rest a bit because I hadn't written in so long and I started jumping from story to story again, so I've been writing many stories at the same time, which was an old method I used, so it was great to just write three sentences of one story, then a paragraph of another and finish a third and so on. 

 I like that this is a sort of spin-off, consolation story that I started because I missed Poison the Rose so much. It explores the same three characters in a new light and I just love it. 

It's been hard to write as well because all my previous files are still scattered on a hd and yeah. So I've been opening empty documents just because I felt like it and wrote on a blank page again. It's still hard to get used to a new keyboard and jumping from pages to open office has been a massive jump as well. Not to mention I've got a Swedish keyboard so I can be edgy and use all said letters, but I won't because I don't get a kick out of writing them in English words x)

Now since I have no crush, I have no one new to rub things from, I have no tension, so it's quite hard. I feel like how The Kills describe when they go to record (the previous albums, before Ash and Ice) and then they use their imagination, that's exactly what's happening to me now. It's just me thinking deep and telling stories, rather than basing it off things besides a few things here and there. 

I decided to do my second binge and finish this story because I ended up reconciling and that was unusual, odd and I wanted to write about it. RV is about family, so it only seemed fitting and the storyline with the mother is heavily inspired by my own, only I don't really fight with my mom, it was someone else, and yeah. So the theme which was inspired was reconciliation and everything else is me just telling the story. 

Actually, this was more based off me that I would imagine. Even if I'm gay, I do have a history with women and there was that period where I thought I was a lesbian, way before I thought of my gender properly. It was odd to leave it and I don't go back to it, but I did think about it briefly and used it in the story. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so and make my day, it's been rough

Thank you