Monday, 30 September 2013


Jealousy is fluid like sexuality.

It just... changes, I guess. You think you’re jealous of one when you’re really jealous of the other. 

He starts bringing her all the time to practice, even if we didn’t allow anyone. He’s back and we’ve got two bassists and no contract again. 

I keep watching them together and I don’t know when my jealousy took a different place, maybe it’s because he hadn’t said sorry before I couldn’t let it go and now it’s as if it’s flowing again.

She had told me she liked my hair colour. Ramona has it now violet with pink. 

She will change it again.

I wonder if she’ll change Scott, too?

And that’s when I start drumming harder, to get the thought out out out of my head. 

Life is dull unlike her hair and those who managed to sneak out with raincoats run outside and I’m stuck with Scott and Ramona.

I watch the rain, before I take my drum sticks with me for no reason and I exit, wondering where would those two head out.

It’s none of my business and frankly everyone always cared about Scott’s love life rather than mine.

What if I’m jealous of her kissing Scott?

What if I’m jealous of someone like Scott getting Ramona?

I couldn’t possibly love both, but my jealousy is shifting. 

When she breaks up with Scott on the next rehearsal I wonder

What has shifted in her as well, as she stares at me

And I don’t know, I just drum, Scott out of the picture for both of us.

I even forget what jealousy is. But something has surely shifted the pendulum on the other side, tilting it entirely so that it reaches my cheek, leaving a mark of a kiss.


I was really sceptic of the movie if to be honest and well, I quite enjoyed it and more than the comic if to be honest >.>

feel free to request


Saturday, 28 September 2013

Poison the Rose 3

My mother would ask me what am I drawing and my father would worry, but the melancholy of it seemed stinging, that I could listen to music, which I cannot listen to now.

It seems very depressive so that makes me wonder was I actually more depressed before? Then how come I wasn’t on prozac and forced to exercise and have a shrink?

I feel bad for feeling miserable on my parents’ couch, never telling that Lana was my lover. I feel worse, losing all jobs I had and just coming back, everyone knowing how tragic Lana’s death was and how some people were expected to be the killer and I’d be asked. I was there when she was killed. I was shopping for some dumb gift with Jamie, his wife, not too attractive and the fact that back when I thought I was straight, I thought I loved him, makes it worse and I don’t think we’ll last long enough.

He doesn’t feel comfortable hugging me and the last hug we had was him telling me that I will come back to him and men, which resulted in anger from my side.

Maybe Lana was murdered by a woman? With all those bizarre sugar mommies she had, it would be no wonder.

I had been punched by one, because Lana hadn’t broken up with her and she had seen me, calling me a femme and that all femmes want butches in the end and vice versa, but I didn’t say anything. Calling me a femme sounded bizarre and Lana laughed it off for a long while before she’d kiss me on the bed.

“Was I your first girl?” She asked me, stroking my clit, licking my neck, both of us fully dressed yet her hand hooked on me.

“No.” I watch her head dive in, her hands pulling my pants down and she starts licking me. I start gasping. “I fucked Kate once.”

Lana stops licking and starts laughing.

“Jamie’s wife? What the fuck? Really?” And she blows hot air on me before pulling my clit with her lips, lifting up her dress and I help her pull it off.

“No, before she came onto him. It was just a quick fuck, she kind of startled me, it wasn’t about fucking Kate Moss to me but rather, fucking a...fuck.” She’s sucking me hard. “A woman. Fuck, Lana, fuck, fuck.”

I start thrusting my hips up, pushing her head closer so that her tongue goes deeper and her fingers play with my clit and I clutch the bedcovers tighter until I come, arching my whole body, gasping, stroking Lana’s hair, as she continues licking simply and I come again and then we start scissoring, both of us in t-shirts and she pulls me by my hair, as I grab her breasts.

“Jealousy turns me on. Knowing that you fucked other women, well, another woman.” She kisses my chin and looks at me, slowly trailing her kisses up to my lips.

“It’s because you keep fucking so many sugar mommies or whatever.” I say grabbing her face and pressing a rough kiss against her as she pulls me closer and our hips rock together until we come.

Lana nearly always squirts and in the end, the mattress is soaked.

“Y’know what I find irritating, people don’t think that we squirt and heterosexuals use condoms if they ever have sex. Sex ain’t messy, which is bull. No one thinks about how to clean up. Sex is a sin, if the woman has pleasure.” That irritates me to no end and still does.

There are a bunch of flashes.

I get my picture taken numerous times and with Lana gone I can only think about my massive roots, how my hair is growing and how Lana’s isn’t.

They start asking me questions and soon enough they get Jamie as well, they confirm both of our stories and shop CCTV.

Jamie buys me a milkshake, we’re both no longer vegans, both converted back by the people who we loved. In the beginning I was envious of Kate even if we had bonded naked, that she had taken Jamie away from me even if I had never truly loved him, it had always been about the women.

I had girls throwing stones at my windows and spread rumors how much I had broken their hearts and even when I go back where I had taken high school I wear a hood up, wondering how many of them are still closeted, how many had abortions and how many had already married and had dead children. I don’t think someone’s sexual slavery leads to hapiness or good children. If I were God I would never allow such couples to have children, you’re gay and hiding?

Fuck off.

I was so closeted myself that I ignored all those lady kisses I had, which were pecks from girls with affection.

But if I was God, I would never kill Lana and I would make us both pregnant, holding happiness within our stomachs, but guess what, God’s a douche.

They tell me they had found no one but some clues and trails which they had which could lean to Lana’s murder and it is confirmed she had been murdered, but how it is to investigate and I can’t see her split body as it is held like a cross.

I wonder how would I feel to see them open my dear Lana,

I don’t think I’d think

I’d bang on the damn window, praying for her to wake up,

because this is the only fucking God I get.


Feel free to request :3 I just added a bit and this had been written for a while :3


Poison the Rose 4

Always Golden 3

I feel bad that Jamie wasn’t in my thoughts when I came out. It were a bunch of different other boys, while Jamie had just been a crush which didn’t seem to cover my sexuality, it was just finding other people attractive really. 

And he looks like a burnt out fire now, I wonder if this is what happens with marriage. Sometimes I chicken out of a relationship, sometimes it’s the second person.

And I have thoughts about the longest relationship I have which is with Stefan.

We had both been so desperately single at one period that we’d meet up every day after work and just walk around Edinburgh we even went once to Portobello and rented a room there, too bored to go back to empty apartments. When he was in the shower I had numerous vision of my tongue trailing down his body. 

I wasn’t aware of my attraction until then and I don’t think I ever will be, because there’s none. Stefan had headed out with underwear and flopped down on the bed, ranting why the fuck were we both single, two men, me opened to anyone and him being openly gay for years.

I didn’t know what to answer and buying booze was too late, so everything was closed. Instead we watched some television out of pure boredom and I still had images in my head, I had seen him kiss me back as we watched some bad action movie with Ben Affleck who neither of us had found hot. 

Jamie kept lingering in and out from my thoughts all through out these years and I’d buy their albums, listen to them and discard them, to be honest they were never anything I’d listen to, I’d hear his voice before the songs bore into my skull and I’d leave them, sometimes flick through the album art just to see his face.

I let my face age and he didn’t and drugs sure did his trick. I stopped doing them and I actually wondered if I had lost my creativity but I could still operate and I guess that’s what mattered.

So I look up at Jamie again, recalling a upcoming operation and I’m dreading it, hearing the lady’s mumbling and rants.

I don’t feel like killing this off after so many years even if his ring is a choker on my neck and not in the sexual way. I wonder if he’s still the same if you blow off all that glitter he’s got. I wonder if I’m just the one stuck in time after mom died, splitting bodies in half to take out and stitch whatever is necessary. I wonder if I’m stuck here, I mean nothing really changes here besides the shops on Princes Street. The bloody castle is still damn there, just that the politics change and the government wants people out.

People still buy Gregg’s, people still go to Primark and spend a lot of money there, thinking that it’s cheap, people still love Edinburgh.

I wonder if I’m tacky, but I really love strolling around and eating 99s whenever the weather allows it which for me is nearly all the time. 

“So what are you planning to do, though?” I ask him, smiling and gripping my plastic cup of leftover alcohol as I start playing with it a bit too much and if it was socially acceptable I’d most likely start biting it. 

I wonder how much will the ring choke me and will it actually.

“I was thinking to eat out somewhere.” He stops, quickly checking his iPhone. I should really know that it’s been years and I’m out of his league, written love letters to an old love never work out, but I’m not sure he’s an old love.

I don’t think I ever loved him, but then who had I loved?

I think the only person who I had meant to say “I love you” was to Stefan, when we were both drunk and I had tried bleaching his hair and we were literally rolling on the floor.

What if I’m on the other side of the screen?

Me and Stefan mostly eat in, I ended up learning how to cook and if we go out it’s to CCs and you always hear the conversation among gay men how it had been shabby before and how now it’s all nice. It’s the second discussion after how Edinburgh doesn’t need trams. Or rather the first among gay people, how nice CCs is now. I mean it is nice and all, but can we just shut up about it?

Or maybe it’s all in my head.

I feel embarrassed, I save lives, but I’m not on a higher scale in society compared to Hince with his wife, Moss.

You know when you’re in bed and thoughts graze your head?

I think if I don’t do anything, thoughts will continue grazing me, with some bitter regret and it will be worse than chocking. 

I see that if we go to CCs I’ll bump into Stefan who will be nagging to me about his new boyfriend who is nearly twice younger than he is. I see him asking me numerous things and recalling Jamie himself who always seemed to be gay in Stefan’s eyes, but isntead we’d just discuss him as both of our boyfriends came and went.

I think me and Stefan are a bizarre couple.

In the end me and Jamie head out to some place he read about and I’m happy to have taken my wallet instead of a twenty, thinking that I wouldn’t need more.

It’s a bit of a fuss to tell dad, but he lets me go anyway. 


I was quite nervous about it if to be honest. And I still am XD and I hope you enjoyed it:3 

I pretty much am playing with Edinburgh being the setting and just chucking things in and I pretty much miss Edinburgh, so it's like a nice nostalgic trip, I think I know where I am going and what will happen and I will deeply miss Edinburgh, the city and of course some people. 

I really hope you enjoyed it and I had the thought of Stefan and Brian giggle at CCs the whole day xD 

Please feel free to request :3

Haha and tell me who do you ship more here xD


Friday, 27 September 2013


It’s not like you wake up one morning and you see what you’ve become

It’s about staring at the right person and then you feel alive

Everything dissolves and you can fall asleep on their lap.

I felt asleep on Heath, who ended up shoving me the next second, ranting that I was fucking heavy and I had to sit up instantly, but I had still fallen asleep, our height is ridiculous and so is his openness. 

People are still used to the fact that he dated Manny and it broke as peculiarly as it started in my eyes. When you’re used to the opposite genders together, it seems odd and I felt as if it was wrong but in the end I dropped it-

And Manny and Heath broke up.

And I had gotten bored sitting on the sub benches. The game was awful and Deuce was off, Slow Moe wasn’t in his best shape and the others well, I still don’t know how we ended up in reserve, but then you should give everyone an equal chance and it was plain practice.

So I just couldn’t be bothered and I laid on Heath’s lap, closing my eyes

Someone had poked Heath and he spoke back, waking me up.


Originally I had a completly different idea, but with all the recent topics and fiddling my own memory I guess it was impossible to avoid one of such clicking moments as that time I fell asleep on a lap. 

In general accepting yourself is pretty hard and it comes in minor steps, so I took it and increased it for Clawd. We all have those moments, all are different and this wasn't really mine but it was a hint, I suppose. 

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request :3


Thursday, 26 September 2013


I’m in the pool, but I’m not drowning

I can breathe, even if I’m underwater

That’s how loneliness feels, like a scene from a movie when people yank me up and keep talking to me.

She had left me.

And I’ve watched her day after day, sometimes the pain so unbearable that I let Holt deal with it, my mind entirely closed like suicide.

And then he brings me back with whistles in my mouth, my clothes ripped, sometimes scars under my eyes and I have to face school again, he never goes to school, being bored and figuring that my glasses should match my brains he leaves me as such. 

And my entire life revolves around boredom and loneliness lately, everyone seemed to side with Frankie as they knew her more than they knew me, how Holt was doing, was something I barely cared about.

Sometimes I’d go and play video games with Heath and made sure to sit away as far as possible so that he wouldn’t really burn me.

So when Clawd walks in between the classes and starts saying how we should defeat a Zombie school team in Casketball, I feel bored but with Heath signing up, I figure there is nothing too bad to lose. And his speech wasn’t inspiration or anything, it was just there, how we should boost Monster High.

On the field I am ever worse than I imagined, I brought my eye contacts, but it felt bizarre and I got knocked down a few times. I couldn’t see anything, at least that’s how I felt with the ball bouncing around from arm to arm and when Clawd passed it to me, I just lost it nearly straight away.

I saw no point and Heath had been ill, so he skipped it and I understand that him sneezing fire is not a good idea, just like standing anywhere near the pyro. 

I don’t feel too comfortable of the idea of changing now that everyone is rushing to go home, so I choose a toilet cubicle and I stay there for a while, checking all the bizarre scribbles of monsters confessing their homosexuality or how many pies they had eaten and I nearly fell asleep just like I had once when I was a child on the toilet.

I spring open as I stop hearing much noise and I walk out, taking my sweaty shirt off-

And I see Clawd taking off his shirt and I look at his arms, how muscular they seem and I wonder how strong does he hug. I watch him for a while, as he seems to be counting something in his head.

“So, d’you like it, Jackson?” He asks me and I just fiddle with my shorts for a bit, feeling a bit uneasy, but I nod regardless. 

“Yeah, only I’m not sure the team would like an anchor to bring it down fatally.” I smile weakly. 

He just shakes his head and I just stare.


feel free to request and I'd love some feedback really:3


Monday, 23 September 2013

You're Not Coming Back Again 2

“I fucking knew that there was something else other than friendship. You just don’t go around blushing and not knowing what to say.”

I still see us in the same apartment, both of us still closeted, but happy, Alex ordering pizza as neither of us can be forced to go outside and we still are worried of holdng hands even if society had stepped up but we’re not fucking Sweden. I actually wonder if it’s as accepting as I haven’t walked around in Sweden with Alex’s fingers intertwined with mine.

I see us laughing and I keep thinking that somewhere else we are together, in a world and no one cheats on anyone (but then it’s not cheating, I’m aware of everything and I’m the lover on the side in this case)

but I can’t help but wonder am I happy in that world,

when I’m aware that Alex can break anything and a few lines will break the thin surface of the ice ring, so that we can’t glide anymore. Skating becomes impossible.

I don’t know where to put myself for the rest of the night and the morning as the bed is assembled and I don’t think Alex will call me again. I’m thankful that my mobile dies, but I realize that I could be expecting a call saying that I don’t get my chid, but instead I plug it in to recieve a text from Alex, who wants to see me on neutral territory.

I’m surprised he wants this public, but knowing him it’s gonna be some small place where he is sure no one will see him, maybe he just doesn’t want to look at the room and I won’t be keeping the door locked anymore.

I end up dressing up, wondering how he will look like and betting myself that it will be leather but I actually wonder if it will be with hair gel, since everyone knows his quiff.

It is a small place and we’re practically alone here. I stand near the entrance for a while, watching him looking at the wall, rubbing his chin for a while and I wonder if he had newly shaved as well, applied the gel and what were the thoughts in his head. I’m not sure he even thinks of me anymore and I don’t know what I’m doing here.

I’m not sleeping and neither he is, even if we both wake up late. Back when we were together I’d still be sleeping, my legs interwtined with his, but due to the heat (my apartment is always warm) we’d just have the legs connected and the rest laying diagonally on each side of the bed, covers starting from the hips.

Then as sleep fades out, we’d crawl to each other, whoever wakes up first taking the piss of the other. Once Alex spilled cold water on me and we had to sleep on the couch, too pissed drunk to realize we could’ve used the hairdryer.

Whenever I see him, I wonder if he had changed beyond his ‘looking cool’ attire, but whenever he smiles it still looks like he never hit puberty or when he speaks. His smile.

I don’t get one once he notices me, he just has a plain smile, not interested in coming back or coming out and I wonder once he’ll get married if the ring will keep piercing my vision.

I just sit besides him and I wonder if he regrets calling me.

I can’t help but look at him piercingly, I was sure I wouldn’t need him anymore but looking at him, I can’t help but wish he’d come back, I wish the world weren’t so cruel to love and sex. It’s as if we are harming the society. I got a child, but I’m still harming when there are a lot of children without anyone who have no future and what about those who are in other countries which has no social care and will surely not get any education and will die soon enough.

I had wanted to adopt from different places, but a lot have bans and it won’t be hard if they try hard to find my sexuality even if I had only been linked to one man my entire life. It’s been ten years.

He doesn’t offer me coffee, just yet and we keep looking at each other.

I know that he loves me, but how far does he love me?

I want to run my hands through his hair, feeling the gel, I want to kiss his neck as he closes his eyes in pleasure as I slide my hand down.

I miss him too much.

I don’t know what else do either of us even have to say.

“You’re right... Maybe this isn’t the best place.” Alex says and his fingers are intertwined on the table. He looks around and sighs, looking at me, exhausted from all the feelings he’s been holding.

“I know you don’t love her.” I can’t help but snap, which ends up being a slap across Alex’s face.

Alex just closes his eyes.

He’s ignoring me or maybe I’m not exaggerating, he does realize that this might be one of those decisions which will continue burdening your life or does he think that he can get out of it a few years later.

I know that he still finds women attractive, so I guess sex isn’t that hard to hide, while I just never went even close to women, I just found them not my thing at all, just like even if you’re gay you wouldn’t sleep with some men, just that for me it happened to be all women. Sure I’ve kissed girls back when I dipped myself in the early teens and I would get a pat for being the first one with a girlfriend who was heels over in love with me to cheat on me as soon as she could.

I was pretty lonely, so I was surprised that someone liked me for some reason and apparently kept staring at the back of my head in maths period. I found it odd and back when I hadn’t discovered Alex I thought that sympathy was love. Not knowing what love is and having still parents doesn’t help me and hearing that my love towards Alex is not real was heavily hypocritical. I’m still surprised they are together, but when you think of heterosexuality who else would you go for?

I asked Alex about it and he said he dated straight women and they were ok. I didn’t believe him and I always wondered if his attraction to women would make it more complex. He’s dated queer girls. But I really don’t know or understand, it feels like dating women for him, well actually is, a step back.

I want to lie next to him.

I can’t help but lean closer to him across the table, leaving him frozen.

I can’t help but grin, feeling the hint of victory, after such despair any touch or any smile is bliss. It feels better than not having anything.

I lean closer.

I wonder how exposed are we and Alex slowly closes his eyes, not moving, the blood going to his cheeks.

I kiss him briefly.

I hope that to everyone here which is -

I glance.

The lady at the counter left.

I can’t help but grab him closer to me and he instantly sticks his tongue in my mouth, grabbing me by the shoulders and I feel relaxed, feeling wanted.

It happens.

Sex is like the last thing we can’t decline each other in, maybe Alex thinks it’s the less emotional one, but it’s not, some people just fuck plainly, we make love, it always takes us ages, I stretch it out, knowing that Alex might go away as soon as possible. Or that he’ll wake up in the middle of the night.

I feel his fear, but he’s dunked in and I feel his eager hands running on my back.

I lean back, looking at him, how relaxed he is for a few moments after the kiss, passion turning into love.

We walk back, it’s not too long of walk, arms intertwined, but Alex making sure that he knows no one. We share a cigarette, we’re too gay in the press and the press is to straight to capture it.

I still can’t help but wonder how long will he last, because he sure as hell isn’t breaking off that engagement.

I can’t help but wonder about the people we fall in love with. How we can’t fall out and easily forgive seeing them love us back, just as Alex holds my face and holds his lips against my own. And we’re back and I can’t keep my eyes closed, paranoia comes in waves but eventually I just relax and enjoy the kiss.

Alex goes to make the kettle, lighting a cigarette and I start packing the necessary documents, wondering if I’m missing anything. I don’t think he’ll come and I wonder if this silence is all I will get today.

He lights a second cigarette from which I get a drag on and I start looking through the documents, as Alex watches me.

If I know that he’ll always come back to me for a short while, I’m I willing?

We drink tea, watching each other, both wondering if we are on the same shore.

“I don’t feel engaged.” He says all of a sudden. “I’m sorry.”

We both know our relationship is a massive mood swing, a pendulum, swinging back and forth, but never stopping at one spot. Even while we dated it seemed brief. We couldn’t become a couple, shying off from every time we made love, both of us not sure how to handle it.

When I look back, I wonder how come it took us so long. But when kissing is just a massive step as complicated as an engagement is today or coming out as a couple, I guess kissing was a big deal. It was actually dipping yourself into a relationship when it had been not too recent since you wouldn’t even hug someone with affection.

“I know.” I say.

Sometimes relationships just happen when they wouldn’t, just like the first time you pick an instrument it doesn’t work but one day, you’re actually playing and I can’t find any logical explanation why was it today and not yesterday or tomorrow.

We’ve laughed a lot and I recall Matt poking Alex, that I seemed to tag along too often to each concert and I started learning the lyrics, fuck, I’d even manage to cover a song, Matt was awfully supportive, once even asking me what I felt about Alex.

It’s that time when it’s what I’ve been told, I got told that every move with a person you love is like a game of chess. You need to know who devours who and if you’re really in love.

Alex was unsure and he had managed to get a girlfriend.

He wasn’t too into her, but she helped him write a song. I just felt uncomfortable and I’d keep the songs to myself.

We kept growing closer and Alex had heard my guitar playing and asked me to help him with this song, where he felt I fit perfectly.

It was a breakup song, well, to me it seemed so and I really hoped he’d break up with her or maybe it was his subconsciousness working on his mind, eating him away and I was right in front of him, dodging questions about girls.

“Hey, Miles.” Alex stopped playing a bit, curious yet some black curtain was hanging above him.

“Sometimes.” Alex stops me from daydreaming and we’re back in the kitchen and I catch his grin. “I recall that time when it occured to me that what if you were attracted to me, you didn’t really hang out with Jamie or Matt, it was me all the time and Matt told me that you fancied me.

I recall how it suddenly struck me, that you’d always make sure I was sober enough to walk home or you’d drag me back.

It was highly odd, I sure had some blokes, but it was the first time I had a covered confession. Matt had told me that he had asked you if you liked someone. It feels so fucking bizarre talking about it now, when now it’s just hookups and everything you’d try to achieve in months is achieved in hours.

So he told me that you froze and he’d been watching us and he saw us playing backstage once, both of us having our cheeks pressed against a broken microphone and he wondered if that was love, why weren’t we going for it?

Then he kept noticing how you’d always nag to keep me from throwing up, coz my hangovers were awfully bad.

So Matt had decided to ask you and you just paled up, as if your secret was known.

Matt said you never said it, but it could be seen that it was someone close and it was more than obvious.

Matt knew it was me.

So he had asked me the same question and my relationship was pretty much off.

I was blind and I shrugged it off.

And then he told me that you liked me.

I still remember how I felt my breathing get blocked and how bizarre it felt. It felt wrong, homosexuality and relationships with the same sex were still judged, we still have a long way to go, we’re not Sweden or Scandinavia or all those countries which are accepting and human. I was terrified, that I knew that it wasn’t one sided, it was fucking two sided.

If you were a girl I’d be fucking you long enough already. But the taboo of thoughts was there, blidning me and Matt told me.”

And Alex became silent.

“And then I kissed you.” I say softly and quiet, before a massive grin reaches my face.

“I kissed you.” I still feel the same lump as Alex had asked me if I was gay.

I never had that question straight at me, everyone just presumed that I just didn’t have a girlfriend, people kept either nagging that I should find one or I should wait some more. It was funny how I got that asked as Alex was carrying our pints to our table and he asked a what as he sat back next to me.

He just ruffled my hair as he heard it.

It was back at his small apartment, them already big, but Alex couldn’t be bothered to move elsewhere as he enjoyed the bizarre view to the small park with bizarre dogs running around and he’d play his guitar watching them and watching the lawnmowers in the morning.

I’m not sure who should tell it, but Alex just speaks up.

“I asked you if you were gay and you nodded. It’s kind of when you realize that you’re both in each other’s radar. It’s I guess like when you’re close friends (in the scenario when you’re both straight and in early teens) and you realize you’re both the opposite sex. It’s the same thing, I suppose.

You told me you’re gay.

It changed everything in a second, I wished I had a bigger apartment and I recall just standing up and randomly picking up clothes which were laying around, ranting how small it was.” Alex grins, the years never affect him, it’s just the new hair and the new clothes. If he’d grow his hair and put on a random print shirt, he’d look the same as he is on the inside.

I started making us tea.

Alex frowned as I stood up and walked to be behind me.

He put his arms around my neck, his chin resting on my shoulder.

“I know you love me.” I say, snapping a bit, knowing how he’s been paranoid for years. I want him back.

I want no society between us.

I want to fucking women between us or men for that matter, whoever Alex can stand waking up to.

“I need to go pick Arabella.” I say, realizing he is not aware of my daughter’s name and Alex looks confused for a second, grabbing me by the chin and tilting my head so I can see his warm eyes.

I forget.

We kiss.

“Don’t ask, she was named by her mother. Maybe she also likes Arabella.” I shrug, still feeling hurt, I’d always want both of us to adopt and I’m getting tired of having long periods when I am alone without Alex, touring is ok, but when he’s with someone else and in denial, I really wish he was touring and calling me via Skype and sending me photos of random beer brands which taste like piss he bought at random.

I really wonder if he’ll count Arabella as his own child, as he pretty much is the only man in my life. Even if in documents, I’m the only father.

“You have to pick her up, don’t you?” He asks.

“Yeah.” I say.

“You want me to come with you?” Alex suggest.

“As far as I’m aware I’m the only father.” I feel anger rising in me. He’s planning to have other children, not with me.

I just turn to face him.

He still wants to go.

Arabella is my child, it was my decision and I don’t want her to have an on and off father.

I don’t know if it is anymore about the child or myself.

“As far as I know as well, we broke up.” I grab him by his arms, as he starts biting his bottom lip, but I look down not to see his face. “So you can calmly fuck off.”

“In fact...” I raise my voice. “We never even fucking were a couple!”

“This is about me raising my child, you’re not there, it was my decision, because guilt takes over you! It’s not about me or us, it’s about you and your guilt. Well, it’s your fucking life and you’re not a teenager who will get kicked out on the street and I think your fans can swallow that you’re gay- sorry, pansexual. I think our society is still somehow moving forward and even if it weren’t, would you care?” My voice goes more quiet to the end and I go to the corridor, leaving him there. I hear him sit back on the chair and play with the cup.

“You’re right.” I hear him from the kitchen. “I should go.”

“No.” I reply. “I think you should stay.”

“You’re contradicting yourself.”

“I know. So are you.”


I've been practically obsessed with writing this story, the chapters are massive and I love it so much, that I'm actually anxious if anyone else loves it as much XD I spent maybe the whole day writing this and the next chapter, so yeah :D

I've been pretty much putting everything I want into the story, it's been intoxicating me and I've kept listening strictly to the Arctic Monkeys and some TLSP, I've got songs which I start off with and etc

Looking at it, Alex is surely my most closeted character ever who dealt or deal with struggles with coming out and I really feel bad for him and I can't blame him for what he's doing, but yeah, obviously I wish he'd just get out of the closet.

They're also my first couple with a child, or rather Miles has a child. I'm pretty happy that it also ended up being a LGBT couple with an adopted child :D Well, 'sides Axe for Cork Extraction which is well... very surreal and etc >.>

I'm really just discussing how much I love the story xD

It's really from what I'm trying to figure out from their relationship and just adding AU bits like Miles knowing Alex way sooner and obviously we don't know what actually went on between those two and well, Arabella is an OC >.> as much as I hate to admit it

The non-linear started from me writing with anxiety and then I realized that well, of course Miles is anxious and in general your thoughts and memories are bundled up and scattered and chaotic, so it makes it even more realistic.

I hope you really enjoyed it and I'm sorry I didn't post this before, as I was too sleepy and I wanted to write a backstory xD

You have no idea how much I ship Milex XD

Please feel free to request and thank you :3


You're Not Coming Back Again 3

Sunday, 22 September 2013

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Being gay in a small room is highly effective to make sure you feel awful, even being invisible doesn’t help because everyone knows that you’re there. And knowing that the other gay guy was bullied out of school makes it even worse. I end up being invisible even on the lessons that people think that I’m not here and I have to go back to be seen with their own eyes.

And it’s not something I’d flash around, but instead Frankie approaches me after the break, as I keep checking if I’ve got the right textbooks. I’ve got all of them already with notebooks, nearly all of them scribbled with wonky letters as I can barely stay awake any longer, school not being in my interest and feels like life is just dragging me onto more and more misery. Everything seems to be depressing.

Frankie thinks that because I’m friends with her, being gay is not an issue, so sometimes she doesn’t hold her bolts. She keeps pairing me up with every guy she knows is not taken, but then any guy who she knows who is not taken is up for any of her friends.

“I think you and Jackson look cute.” She says all of a sudden as Jackson approaches us. She obviously forgot that Jackson goes after her.

“You know that you should stop pairing up everyone with everyone.” And I pat the seat next to me, scanning the students scattered around the creepateria. I take a fry. “Or rather anyone who is happily single with other happily single people.”

“But being single, isn’t fun. I know that.” Frankie pouts, stealing one of my fries.

“Then find someone for yourself.” She just keeps pouting and I wonder why she had brought Jackson up, she’s been pretty silent and I’ve known how mad he was over her. I wondered if he was gay as well.

We just ate in silence, the other ghouls occupied.

I turned insvisble in class again, actually falling asleep and I felt myself floating in sweet bedcovers, soft shivers running through my body.

I don’t think I’ll find anyone as well, but when I’m too depressed and staring at posters at the wall in my room, I have this gut feeling that there is someone for me, but I keep looking at all the new monsters in school and no one seems to be catching my attention. It’s the same zombies, monsters, werewolves and vampires. I get a few new faces but they seem revolting, I guess that’s where disliking company comes in.

I was closing my locker when Jackson stood besides me, asking me if I wanted to meet after school.

Maybe that’s what Frankie was implying. True, he’d be the first bloke, but not the first person who tried to score with me. I can’t say I’m interested in him, but it’s better to have something closer to your preference rather than waste my time with a girl which I will have no attraction what so ever.

Frankie tried to tell my fortune and she’d always see men surrounding me, particularly a red haired guy. I’ve seen a few and trust me Jackson is not one of them for sure. He’s black with blonde, so nowhere near red.

He asks me out anyway and I want to politely decline, but I’d rather go with him than sit in my room and finnish ripping those old fortune telling cards. They can’t be played anyway unless a never kissed ghoul sits on them, as according to Frankie. We’ve both been kissed and we couldn’t be bothered to do anything.

I’ve had my fair thoughts of Frankie, but I never wanted to, she’s always been like a little sister to me, caring and somewhat annoying and she’d chose talking to me instead of homework. True, we went to the last dance together, because we’d end up shuffling together anyway.

I wonder what should I talk about with Jackson and I just stick a headphone in his ear, bored with my decision of a date already, even if we didn’t even leave school yet. I turn it on full volume and he starts shaking-

A green light absorbing him-

No one seems to notice.

Why hadn’t I known?


I'm sorry it took me quite a while, it's short, but it turned out nicer than I expected and I love fluffy stories :3 I mean, it is fanfiction >.> haha, we're a whole genre XD

Please feel free to request :3


Saturday, 21 September 2013

You're Not Coming Back Again

Being in the closet is being among a field of dead sunflowers with some of their leaves changed to red, hope, I guess.

I always loved fields and I always wanted to walk in one, maybe that is what I’m doing.

I wake up to see him laying on his stomach and facing the other side, rather than myself.

I should really stop reading bizarre magazines while I wait for the GP. I lean down to kiss him and he opens his deep brown eyes for a while, grinning.

Exactly, grinning until he realizes it.

And Alex sits up.

“Shit!” I knew it.

I watch him hastily start to pick up his clothes, jeans already lost halfway to the corridor. Instead I just stand up and I follow him.

I’m used to shaking, so instead I get some water, wondering why don’t my eyes trail him off as usual, but I’m too tired.

“I told you, I haven’t been sleeping with her for months.” It sounds like a snap, he knows I’m avoiding him.

“Yeah and that’s why you’re fucking with her. Right, Alex?” I want to break the glass and I am thankful to be naked and we both frankly still smell of sex. My teeth are pressed together so hard that my jaw starts aching and I notice him looking at a naked me.

“Fuck, I can’t, ok?” He raises his hands, but soon enough buttons his shirt. I step closer to him, we’re the same height which gives too much benefits and awkwardness in fights.

“Ok, then.” I lean closer and I see that he can’t breathe. “Fuck off.”

And I turn back to my bedroom and I hear him lock the door. He has his own keys, Alex can come anytime which is what he has been doing lately. Sometimes he comes every night per week, sometimes he doesn’t for a month. It really depends on how he feels about it. I’ve talked to him, that we should both come out. I really don’t care, I already don’t have my relatives on my side, I lost whatever I actually could.

But Alex was there when my mother cut me off and didn’t call back and in the end I got a nice long explanation how she wouldn’t keep in contact with me, how shameful I was and how gay men are disgusting and how I should never have children and that I am a pedophile and my father wasn’t better either. Both memories make me cringe.

But it happened.

Alex didn’t come out, he broke up with Alexa, saw what happened and stopped. He didn’t move forwards, he got terrified with the thought of never being a band member again. I didn’t blame him at the time, but I never thought this would trail on longer than I expected. I didn’t expect it to trail for months and Alex even getting a beard.

The day they first had sex was a slap in my face, he kept telling me how he didn’t see the appeal in women, but all I’d see was

he tried.

He fucking tried women again.

I no longer was the only person he’d have sex with.

She’d suck him off occasionally.

Not that I didn’t, but it was trying to bleach out himself, make himself plain and dyeable in all absurd colours which he is not.

I just go and take the keys from the drawer, opening something which would be my side of secrets.

Alex never questioned the closed door, as long as it had no dead odour he seemed ok with it and I guess I was ok with it.

I still have him banging the door and I wonder how many days will it take him to come back to me even if it would be for a very short while.

My mind is scattered and I flick the lights in the room to illuminate it. I was really concerned about choosing pink for the wallpaper but I like pink, I’m scared what if I still shouldn’t have chosen pink for the -

And it dawns me that soon enough I’ll have my daughter in my own hands and it won’t be me smoking and trying to win the lottery with Alex as the prize. What if I don’t care so much about the child, but rather I want to get rid of Alex?

The thought of another man makes me gag and I’ve always wanted a child of my own, I never understood people who didn’t. It well, hopefully, be a person who would love you unconditionally and I really hoped Arabella would.

She was born with that name and when I saw it I couldn’t help but wonder if she was named after the song and I wanted the younger the child the better and I guess myself being british and wealthy put a lot in my favor, people who think it doesn’t are wrong. It’s hard, but you still can.

I wonder how would she turn out and if nature would appear, but her story was simple, a lost child and her mother was about fifteen. She could be found, but it so happens, that some people do not want children and abortion doesn’t become an option. I’m sure the boyfriend is nowhere close either. It makes me wonder even more, but I guess I just wanted Arabella.

I close the door, knowing that Alex won’t be here when I’ll take her home for the first time and have trouble with the fucking milk. Alex doesn’t stop me, he never even asked me about if I wanted children, but even us becoming a couple was barely discussed after such denial.

I look at the bed, even if I managed to get two, one next to the bed where -

I’ll have to set it up tomorrow.

It’s gonna be fun, looking at the manual, as I have too much time on my hands.

And that’s what I do.

The night went on with me recalling seeing Alex for the first time, back when he had acne and didn’t know how to dress properly, held his guitar too high and was eager to see me who was amused by him. It was as if no one had ever told him how marvelous he was. It took us a long while to do anything. I wasn’t aware of his pansexuality, he himself was not aware of it for too long.

Because he is the only pansexual I know, I jump into judgements, but then I do know that it’s not like -

He claims he is pansexual, but he still chooses women, but then that would be a matter of the closet.

My thoughts are mixed, both scrapped in the morning with the bed and in the night with insomnia in both eyes as I lay in the damp sheets from sweat and come. It was cold and sticky, but I wanted to see how long I would last and I lasted until the morning, getting a call halfway that I could pick up Arabella.

I wondered what would I tell her if she asked me who was the love of my life and it seemed worse than a divorce, an on and off lover who doesn’t trust me enough.

I hadn’t known I was gay myself, you still think for a long while, that no attraction is surely attraction because the parents hold the same lack of fire you do for your girlfriend so you’re surely on the right track (to misery).

I guess my relationship with Alex was always a very clumsy dance, both of us clunging onto each other while being drunk. I’m still surprised I managed to control all my fear and kiss him the first time I did.

I had fallen in love with Alex the first time I had seen him.

He was on stage, singing horribly, I could see him be nervous and even Matt didn’t drum too well, but it was something, fuck it was always amazing. He himself was gorgeous and when he first walked on stage I had caught his eyes which were full of warm chocolate. I couldn’t move as the group was jumping, at least it felt like it and I kept staring at the lead singer with his goofy attire and his appeal. I think I stood like that for quite a few songs, myself 17 and looking back I wonder how come I didn’t like the easiness of being alone and not knowing

that I was gay

and that the love of my life would haunt me every night as he wears the mask of heterosexuality which no decent human being holds.

Before Alex went back deep in the closet, he kept asking me why won’t the world listen to their bodies and just fall in love with people, that even I’m not inclusive when it comes to women, while he is. He said that grinning and mocking me, while drinking beer.

Both of us coming to terms with ourselves and how our bodies managed to be together.

And then he’d playing and I wasn’t too far off and he had noticed me. I’m still surprised wth what lie had I came up with to get behind the stage and see Alex tune his guitar for no reason, stare into the distance before he started laughing that his first gig was now long gone.

I hadn’t realized how gorgeous he had looked, right there in front of me, until he glanced to look at me with the curious eyes whenever we’d buy a new record or anything I’d give to him for any holiday. It was a different fire, all what I had called love could be thrown away and forgotten. I had a burning passion, which was ripping my heart, I wanted to be with this boy desperately, I wanted to fuck him, I wanted him to fuck me.

He was gorgeous and I wasn’t thinking, besides of what should I say.

“Um, hi.” He had said, grinning at me and looking behind me and sad that there was no mob, but just me.

“Hi.” I said blankly, nothing else, just staring at him, not knowing what else to say. “Y-you were so fucking great.”

I used my chance to cover up with a white lie.

“I’m still fucking speechless, look.” And I started laughing, while Alex just smirked back.

“What’s your name?” The lead singer asked me, leaning against the wall, before choosing a chair instead. He put his treasured guitar down but I could still see how he had fiddled with his fingers. “I’m Alex.”

“Miles.” I said simply and I really din’t know where would this conversation head. I realize that if I don’t keep talking I might lose him, so all I could have said, was that it was a pleasure to meet him.

Later on we bought ourselves two drinks.

I think by the end of the night, I knew that there was something in me that I really hadn’t known, which was my sexuality.

Then everyone in school seemed different, I realized that there was nothing wrong with me not looking at the girls in all the different skirts, but rather at the blokes and how they would wear their ties, who had random boners and I started wondering who was gay and who wasn’t.

All of a sudden I realized that it’s not just me, the whole fucking world felt fucking gay to me. But all I knew what that Alex was Alex. We had departed with a laughter and we had managed to drink a bit awkwardly, but when I got drunk I started telling him of all the bands I liked and I really held from saying how adorable and attractive he looked, but I didn’t.

It took me ages, our friendship dragged on and on, becoming more homoerotic. I had managed to be in a band and I had already touched myself to Alex, aware who I really thought of.

I guess we had become friends when he went to mine’s, my parents out and we just watched whatever was on television, I had bought popcorn and there was no real occasion, until Alex told me his side of the story I had thought that surely, he was bored, we were all bored, now we’ve got much more entertainment available, so I still wonder how I’d manage without playing some stupid games with zombies at a hand’s reach.

When you’re about to break up, or rather after you get the fucking desire to apologize and tell your story.

I stopped doing the baby bed and I didn’t tell Alex what I was doing.

“I just... I found it bizarre, that you liked me, I knew I liked boys, but it was different. I felt like I could choose heaven or hell and girls weren’t that bad and still aren’t.” He exhales and I wonder if he’s smoking and where the fuck is Arielle and if she’s aware that we were once a pure item, not just random fucking around. I wonder why we stopped using regular landlines with the spiral cords and try to go into another room for privacy. “And there you were, fucking red, trying to score with me. I fucking know you.”

Maybe he’s drunk and I’m fucking crying.

But Alex goes on.

“I fucking love you, I saw you looking at me from the crowd, you liked me and you fucking followed me. You bought me a drink, you could barely speak until you got properly drunk and I wasn’t sure if I should bond with a bloke. I fucking loved you then, I didn’t know who the fuck you were, but I never had anyone adore me so fuck, so much.”

He stops.

In my head he is holding the spiral cord, biting into it, eyes closed, so that they don’t pierce my soul with agony and fear of never having him again after Arabella is in.

“Sometimes I question myself, how gray I am in all the areas. But then it’s the person, I had Alexa, who was always second to you. But -”

I look at the watch.

I don’t know who of us should break up.

“I’m engaged. My mother is happy that she’ll have grandchildren.” Alex tries to loosen up and I can see a forced smile and the cord is gone, he is most likely calling from Arielle’s iPhone, his own too old and he can’t be bothered to buy a new one, a heated debate from everyone and always a topic of discussion. “She thinks if I’m engaged, I’ll have children instantly.”

“I adopted.”

And he freezes instead, when it was supposed to be me. My bottom lip is trembling.

I put the phone on the floor, not needing to hear what Alex has to say but then I pick it up.

All I hear is silence.

This shouldn’t be how a break up should be, but it happens to be so, because our relationship never was a relationship.


I know I should be writing the requests, but things haven't been too good as far as you guys know and I'm pretty much obsessed with Milex lately and I've been writing this monster for the past few days XD

This is not the end XD so please do feel free to request (considering how much time I'm spending on it, I'd say if you request I'll shamelessly post the next chapter pretty fresh xD)

The idea came to me in a bus ride actually. I was watching (or rather the bus was showing) a overly tacky TV show and it had a gay man who was being pranked by another guy (you find that out later) that gay parents are the best. In the end the conclusion was that the country it was set in was not ready for it and that gays wouldn't be good parents.

That made me furious to no end and I started listening to AM trying to chill, annoyed at the whole portrayal. I thought of queer parents and I wondered what if Miles adopted a girl and Alex was anxious to be out of the closet?

Arabella is actually far from my favourite Arctic Monkeys song, sorry xD but it seemed matching and I had the kid as Arabella in my head nearly from when I first thought of her.

Initially it was going to be two chapters but I felt like publishing the whole monster and it's more fitting this way.

It's non-linear heavily if you ask me, as Miles' thoughts keep trailing and there's a bunch of time jumping, but that's how you are when anxiety hits you.

I've pretty much developed my own headcanon that Alex is pansexual and Miles is gay. Coz I also ship Alex/Alexa not as much as Milex, but I still do and well, that's pretty much my trail of thought and this is fanfiction. I can't determine if it's real or not.

All I can say I'm sure Milex stuff happened at some point and they are hiding it from us T___T

My favourite scene from all of this was the first time Miles saw Alex, it's a strong feeling when you actually finally get attracted to the right person and you discover who you really are. I had also recalled the time I had seen Jack White and how I was struck by his beauty. Of course Callie was here, the fire and everything.

The beginning of the dead sunflowers is actually a bunch of bizarre fields I had seen while being in the bus. Weirdest shit ever.

As usual I struggled with the title and after I finnished writing I was listening to Fluorescent Adolescent and the title pretty much came from there, but please keep in mind that I heavily, HEAVILY ship them, so don't worry... much XD

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I'm sorry about the lack of updates, I promise to get myself back on it :D

Still feel free to request :O and yeah, I'll post it when it would be written if it will be requested :) To request if you're new just write me anywhere that you want a continue XD


You're Not Coming Back Again 2

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Always Golden 2

I show my ID out of being nervous, even if I am way too old and I get some rum and coke and I recall how just as nervous I had been and I still love rum in any variation. My dad tagged along, I’m in that category where people think that I’m too uncool so I hang out with my dad, it’s true that I tend to go to the cinema alone and by foot, as I am sometimes scared of the car, which is bizarre, but I keep getting scared that I will crash and kill someone and I’ve seen too many wounded people from accidents. I like busses and my own feet even if I cross the red light. So we head up to watch the movie and I observe my own dad as men make out. I ended up laughing a lot until I saw a familiar face and my stomach started stinging.

He had botox now.

I gulped down my rum and he looked at me. My dad’s eyes were still fixed onto the screen as I kept looking at his features, how his cheeks looked round, how drugs made his face change and the ring on his finger.

My mouth and throat are dry. I just recall - and sex scenes are on the screen - how I had masturbated to him, his sexuality was always hidden, I always sensed something but nothing would happen and he knew I was pansexual, the whole uni knew because of all the men I’ve dated. Over the years I enjoyed making soup and watching tv shows, reading books, meeting up with my dad ever since mom died. We were all shocked and dumbstruck. I couldn’t stand people, I just talked to dad and dad talked to me.

Jamie looks awful, but he is looking at me and he knows me. It’s not that time we saw a classmate and she took a group photo, it feels as if we are alone in the naked room with laughter coming from the walls.

I don’t look as bad, I got off drugs and I never touched them again, they aren’t even a deja vu anymore, they are buried deep inside.

But Jamie was like a gulp of air and I seem him leave, but dad stays for the credits. I see him smoking outside, wearing a suit with clothes much more expensive than my own and I’m a surgeon.

“Mind giving me a cigarette, James?” I say, risking, I would call him that back in university.

Jamie smiles and hands me a cigarette and the glitter of wonder comes falling down, is he straight? Is he bisexual? Is he pansexual? Is he bicurious? Is he questioning? Is he queer? And they all lead down to the does he like men?

He doesn’t say anything and it worries me, we just smoke in silence and I look at the ring and at the botox in his cheeks. Sure, it’s a thing marrying a model.

“Jamie?” I ask again but he is digging his heel into the cigarette. He is still taller than me and he feels huge.

And his ring burns in hole in my eyes and I see him take out a cigarette box, half-way smoked through and he gives me one. I light one with my own lighter, feeling anxious.

“So...” And he looks at me. “Why’d you change jobs?”

And he looks at me curiously, who knows maybe I would have made as much money as he had and wouldn’t just have a nice house in Edinburgh but would be able to even move into London and slack off, just like I heard he’d be doing recently. I have heard that he’s no where near the new album.

I take a good long drag, closing my eyes, trying to concentrate on the fact that it goes within me.

“Mum died. I figured I could do something more useful than get high and cure people on the surface.” I wonder if it actually sounds snappy, but from my side it doesn’t and Jamie just nods, taking out a second cigarette and lighting it.

I don’t know what to talk about.

I haven’t see him in years and he’s married, he’s everything I could’ve been and didn’t want to be.

I became something actually useful and I had no risks, all I had to do was cut in the right place and know.

“Ok, I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know how to speak either, which is bizarre and funny, considering the fact that he always made better lyrics than me and makes a good living, obviously his status is sky high with Kate Moss being his wife and I wonder how long will it last, as they don’t look well, or maybe it’s just my jealousy.

It’s more when you meet the person face to face and you realize how much you’ve been thinking about them, how much little things you do to replace the emptiness and it’s bizarre.

I haven’t been invited to the wedding, but standing in the queue for the food I ended up buying myself some yellow pages issue and I sat in the car reading it through, feeling myself trapped alone.

And I guess I still am.

I really don’t know what else to talk to him about, so I feel us depart from each other again.

“So... did you like the movie?” I ask him, taking a drag from my dead cigarette. Jamie just nods and we keep staring at Lothian road and it dawns on me.

Why is he in Edinburgh anyway?

“Why are you up in Scotland, anyway?” I ask him, some stupid things getting drawn in my head and he just looks away, sighing, as if he has to explain it to everyone who is here.

“Inspiration.” Well, I’ll give it to him, but wouldn’t he have more interesting places to go to like Spain or whatever? I mean, I have a job and frankly I can’t just go away and leave people to someone else even if I know who is good and who is bad and I can transfer my patients to someone else. “I just felt like it. Trying to look back, I guess, when you dig into your past to get some scrapped off feelings.”

“Oh.” We had all travelled to the Edinburgh festival before I dropped out of uni and well, I just hooked up with some bloke who had a strong glaswegian accent and I don’t know what happened to Jamie, but I had dragged him along, the gay bars pretty much empty, no matter what day it is, they’re always empty, maybe besides pride, but I never feel like going into one after pride. All I do is march, paint my face the pansexual flag and if I hook up I hook up already, pretty much.

I mean sure, it became my home and pretty much whenever I travel somewhere I start pouting and as soon as I’m back I end up eating Ben and Jerry’s in the Grassmarket next to Maggie Dickson’s. It is Maggie Dickson’s, isn’t it?

Whenever I’m out there is a horrible longing and I’ve heard too much about people not getting anywhere due to their passports and frankly I’d fucking kill the entire party, I mean where should the gay people which came out go?

Back and what? Come out to their parents and pray they get a job and not get raped? Is it very civil of us? Actually, not of us, of those who decide who stays and who doesn’t.

I didn’t know what to do when I heard a few volunteers where sent back due to not getting places when I knew universities have spaces for home students. It’s like you piece of shit, what if I were foreign? Are you entirely sure the doctor who takes care of you is entirely British? Are you sure the food you eat and everything you do is British?

Stefan made a big deal out of it and we started thinking last time we were at CC’s if such a piece of shit would manage by living on entirely british products, of course not.

I really don’t know how they feel or how would I feel getting home taken away from me.

I try not to think of it and it makes me guilty. All I can do is vote and pray, really.

“It’s still a bizarre choice.” I say and he cuts me off before I can even think, really.

“I was in the Edinburgh festival, I guess just figure while Kate is gone and Alison is off jerking off Jack, why not travel around? I’d rather go to nicer places with Kate, if you know what I mean.” Right, so this isn’t the nicest place, grand.


I had pretty much thought a lot about Always Golden since I wrote the last chapter and I've been pretty excited about it.

I guess a bunch of inspirations of Always Golden would be the places, like CCs and the Filmhouse in this chapter. I miss both of them greatly and pretty much it is fucking painful to have it all taken away, because no matter how things got hard through out the year, I was in love with the city, not even the people, but the city, the places, the breath of it.

I will miss it greatly and I'm sad because it had always been my dream to live in Edinburgh and I had.

I still can't comprehend how all is happening and I won't lie saying that I don't miss it, because I fucking do, before I go to sleep I go to all the places I loved in the Old Town. I can't be pissed at Edinburgh and I don't think I ever will be.

The people, well, that's a different story along with politics.

I won't shut up about what the fuck is going on and obviously it's still remains in my story, in this case from Brian's perspective. I'm more calmer than I was and I see all the flops through out all the time and I'm fucking irritated. But lately it's been well... I'm waiting and that's about it.

But that doesn't change that I won't have Brian hanging out with Jamie in Edinburgh, unfortunately I can't do what I used to do when I would just walk to the place I needed and imagined the scene, now it's all in my head now, which is sad.

The ID thing was actually what had happened to me, I went for the so far one and only time to the Filmhouse and I pretty much don't drink too often and I was well, a bit anxious so yeah, I pretty much shoved my ID, which I found later to be comical.

I had originally thought to leave Jamie as a past love and leave their meeting without any conversation and I left it like that until a while and I actually made them talk. This chapter was written in chunks right after the first.

Originally it was going to be a pure Brian/Stefan story, but now, Jamie's in the game. I figured that I pretty much ship them, so why not and they are an interesting couple.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have writing it

Please feel free to request the next chapter :)


Saturday, 14 September 2013


How would you rate women?

And would you do it?

I look at Maura who keeps looking at the guy in the bar, trying to count the exact number of how much she finds him good looking.

So I don’t ask her, how would she rate the woman with the blue v-cut who walked in. I start biting the tip of my own pen and I wonder how much would I rate her in my head with Maura sitting in front of me.

Would it be degrading if I rate her?

But then we are rating men, when I am sure that neither of us are straight.

I don’t think I will continue listening to Frost who I’ve asked once about Maura who had called her straight in his eyes. Then the talk started spreading up to even my brother, who thought for a while and then they would follow me mocking me that I’m going for a straight girl.

I guess I should be thankful for the day that being gay is ok.

I think I’ve reached the middle of the pen as I keep scribbling random square shaped people before Maura pokes me with the end of her unbitten pen and I look at a 6. Or is it a 9?

Then she bites her lips and draws a ten, handing it to me, before digging back into the menu, which I know she knows and had chosen already two options in case they ran out of one of them.


I'm coming back to one request per day, so yay XD

feel free to request :3


Friday, 13 September 2013

Shoved Puzzle

Stick a pick into the moon.

I can barely hold my eyelids open and I see her look at me across the room.

I don’t feel too comfortable.

I don’t like being looked at and maybe my choice of a dress was too short indeed and the rumours around a girl wearing all fur ain’t too good either. She keeps looking at me and I recall my dress again. It’s the time of the year and life when your parents keep bragging that what if the size of the skirt will affect your brains and with the upcoming mathematics competition that is all they have in mind. I’ve even had my dad exercise with me things I’ve even started scribbling in my locker with my own nails while I was waiting for Frankie to show up today.

I really should stop staying awake with all the words upon me.

I know I won’t fail, but the fear is still there with all those rumours about people being chosen for some odd reason, which is surely not their intelligence or abilities. Of course, I won’t ever deny such possibility, but such things sticking into Monster High feel odd. 

I turn towards the teacher who is walking around the rows. I know the topic and we’re doing it again due to people not catching up, which is a nice refresh-

But she’s still looking at me.

With her white hair and her eyes as ice.

It feels odd to have someone who you don’t think too attractive looking at you. But then I feel bad, I just don’t think I should be thinking of someone else other than-

And I raise my hand to answer the question and correct what should be corrected on the board. 

I can still see her looking at me with curioisty and I wonder why is she in fur all this time. Maybe it’s too wrap up something, some cold memory or loneliness. 

I wonder what is there to hide, but then maybe my dress should be the opposite, nothing to hide. But then I’ve got glasses. Would clothing even be something to hide about?

I think I’d eat the chalk if given the chance, not to write again, but sit alone.


Sorry, I've been having my ups and downs and well, I realized that it's better to force myself to work on the requests and it is putting my mood up, so yeah :D I'm sorry about the delay, but here it is.

Ghoulia's clothing and the parents bashing is basically what I've had a bunch of lately, so I've been thinking to stick it in (I shaved my head a few months ago XD which seems pretty normal to me, but yeah :) ) and there it went.

Abbey staring at Ghoulia is actually how me and Callie first made contact in a classroom, I edited it and made it different obviously. I had an entirely different reaction XD And obviously I'm sticking in slowly what's going on right now, really. Because it is fucking shocking and gross. It's fucking gross how we still have racism in the educational system.

I hope you enjoy it and please feel free to request :3


Tuesday, 3 September 2013


I want to intoxicate myself with someone, I want to lie on top of them and feel them slowly lulling me to sleep as I am in full harmony with myself for once.

I’ve heard there are worse things other can high school, but I already think we all walk around knowing that the worst awaits us. 

I want to be infatuated with someone and I can’t, even looking back Draculaura seemed bleak and now knowing that she and my sister are an item, it gets harder holding on to what I thought was love. 

I had caught Clawdeen and Draculaura, it was bizarre up to the point that I stood in the doorway, it wasn’t jealousy but rather curiosity as me and Draculaura never had sex and there she had my sister between her legs and it was the first time I had seen her recieve any pleasure and then I found out, the best pleasure.

They both came out and I mourned as if it was a close death, but then, after Clawdeen came out as gay, Howleen started asking me if I had ever tried with male monsters, but I never had. Howleen was bisexual and she had told me it a while ago, saying that she has feeling for Twyla, but her feelings can be for anyone.

So she asked me, who do I see if I close my eyes?

I don’t think I even see anyone, besides darkness. 

That’s the thing and Howleen pouts herself.

Soon enough even she manages to write Twyla a love letter and once she heads back home, waiting for an answer she takes out her iCoffin and we start raiding everyone who we know in school and there is no one who is either single and attractive to me, there’s Heath, but just because he’s not an item with Abbey yet, doesn’t mean I can snag him off to myself.

So I am surrounded by love now with Twyla and Howleen giggling and everything thinks if my sibbilings are gay, wouldn’t the gene also get onto me?

But I don’t know.

I don’t know at all.

I can’t even concentrate on a test, so I wait for the right moment and I poke Valentine, who is sitting in front of me, it’s been too long and I don’t have any hard feelings and if he knows the answers for today there surely won’t be any hard feelings.

So I poke him harder until he turns around, looking angry and worried about his own test. I quickly poke him and show the question I am stuck on, which is everything.

The ex-heart breaker rolls his eyes and shows me two with his fingers.

I decide to recheck it and I see that, well, it was a fuck off, not a two.

So I’m stuck again with the darkness not even touching me briefly.

Eventually he passes me a note with how to solve it and I rewrite it, thankful that sometimes fate gives you a small gift which ends in one bite, but still manages to make it into your system. 

I avoid everyone and I just take the lunch and sit on a small table, possibly my sisters understanding that when you’re alone, you want to stay that way unless there is someone you want to share the sky you can’t give with. 

I see Valentine from a distance trying to appeal to some girl, but everyone knows the tricks up his sleeves. Maximum what he gets is a date or two, but it still amazes me how he tries. He notices me and I start eating my burger, looking at the window.

But as soon as he gets his food he sits opposite me, grinning. 

“Well... don’t you look miserable, today.” I swear I could kick him, but I don’t, still looking at the window and I’m nearly done with the burger. I stand up.

“I’ve heard about Draculaura.” That makes me stop, but then it’s not like no one knows about it, but I listen. “It’s not you, in this case, it’s just teams entirely.”

I look at him surprised and I sit back down, looking at him. 

Then I notice that even he looks sparkling when he tries to score, just like this alone, eating some creepateria soup, he sure looks miserable again. 

“Don’t worry, you’ll find yourself a vampire. I’m not saying any other monster, because vampires are the only worthy ones, you do know that, wolfie.” Val smirks and tries to see what I see out of the window, which is frankly nothing. I ignore his words, even in misery he’s still the same. 

I try to scrap off some conversation, as he seems to get my mind of Draculaura somehow, maybe because she dumped both of us by the end of the day.

“So... do you still steal hearts and stuff?” I ask. He just shakes his head. 

“I failed, so it just... well, not that I want to do it anyway. That time I looked at you and Draculaura and I kind of felt, well, maybe I’m doing something wrong. Who knows, maybe I wasn’t, but I still wanna try. More like people think that all I have is a sugar coating, believing that I’m still y’know- stealing hearts.” He says, sighing. 


I did this in maybe... two sittings?

I've been still pretty much down which is seen through out the story and I've started listening to the Arctic Monkeys, which is highly bizarre as I never liked their old stuff, but the new album seems pretty appealing, so yeah. 

I've also been writing more about men with men recently all of a sudden, I guess, it's about what is comfortable for me now, coz I write requests but I also write upcoming stuff or what I feel like. 

Currently I'm doing a massive monster which will be posted when the request comes up. 

I had both parts of the story coming to me through nearly falling asleep especially the Draculaura/Clawdeen scene. 

I quite enjoyed writing it and I like how it's actually going and I really hope all will be well with me, as my mind is still flooded with my misfortune, so yeah

I hope you enjoyed it and please do feel free to request :D