Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Snap Out Of It 4

Days seem to want to pass and the new medicine starts working, Arielle's death still hands on a chandelier and sometimes it slams full in my head. Sometimes it's far too much, because just like people dissapear there becomes no explanation to a suicide. I start crying far more about her passing, her cheating and all the disaster that everything is gone entirely. Jamie's surprise had been a picnic in the woods. We had to be fast before the sun would set, reminding us of the time of the year. He just kept checking on me in utter silence and I could see by his lips that he kept thinking about the sole kiss we had shared. I didn't know how I felt after it if I had wanted more or rather how much more had I wanted. And I couldn't deny that it would put me and Miles under a very different light where we were both seen as schoolboys who hadn't discovered sex yet, that is why we hadn't progressed so far. 

I was surprised by the sudden picnic and I wondered if it was the same thing with having Jamie over, were we also schoolboys? How long had he liked me then? Did he like me before he started taking care of me? I just sat on the mat with my long coat, regretting the light attire I had chosen and I was sure that we would end the picnic in the car eventually. That's when our eyes had finally met, allowing at least our body language to resolve what had been going on in our mouths. My body shivers when I think if he will sleep on the couch again, but I can't help but think of the times when he would crawl into my bed to talk me to sleep. 

For the first time I think of the bands, that somehow I will have to come back to. But regarding that picnic, my mind just wanders to it.

We were perfectly alone and it dawned on us. Maybe it dawned on me first, because I perfectly knew that he wouldn't do anything if I wouldn't initiate and that day I wanted closure desperately. I regretted that I had never touched Miles and that probably led me to kiss Jamie again. 
Maybe it was the dizziness of the new medicine, because they always tell you that you will feel weird. Well, I had wanted to feel anything which would go deeper into craving. And I knew that he could give it to me. I leaned towards him over the handmade sandwiches and I kissed him again.

"Please don't hold." I told him and he opened his mouth under my own, quickly excusing himself to be next to me. I could see that we're both too embarrassed to say anything, because once you realize what's going on there is no turning back. My whole body ached from the adrenaline, as I allowed him in my mouth. Jamie pushed me onto the grass and I felt how cold it was, but I didn't care, both of us kissing passionately, as we had both found a new lover in each other. I don't even know what we are to each other. 

He moved to my neck and I wondered for how long had I been the thought in the back of his mind, how long had I lingered there? For how long had he wanted me? I moaned loudly, thankful that we had driven somewhere far. I thought a bit about getting caught and reported for-
Oh, right.

Jamie let his hand wander down and he rubbed my already hard cock. 

Right, for public sex. I opened my eyes to look at the sky as he continued biting my neck, clearly listening to my words of not holding anything in. He went on top of me for a while as I felt his cock dig into me, very pleasantly. I kept moaning into his mouth, as he broke the kiss, asking me what do I feel like. I felt my cheeks flushed.

"Make me feel good," I nearly whispered as he unzipped my pants. I prayed for a bit not to be caught before he took out my cock and stroked the tip softly, making me bite my lips as I watched him. He smirked and he knew that I was his. He continued to stroke my cock's tip teasingly before moving onto the shaft and gave it a good few strokes, watching my breathing get heavier. Jamie looked very content with himself before he  leaned down to lick the underline and I nearly lose it, clutching the grass. I realized that I hadn't masturbated or had sex in ages, which explained why I was so eager, asides the fact that I desperately wanted Jamie now. I spread out my legs, feeling a new sensation and a new thought cross my head. He took me fully in his mouth, slowly, taking in by the length and I moaned, softly thrusting into his mouth, as he held my hips down now, stroking them with his fingers. 

It felt different, it felt like he eagerly knew what he was doing, he seemed more straightforward with it. I kept moaning from the pleasure, heavily satisfied. Grasping him by his hair. He stopped me and held his head and I heard him smirk as he continued. He stopped again and I allowed him to do anything with me as he pleased.
"Relax." He told me and I knew what to await. Jamie went on top of me and I felt desperately sexually frustrated as he undid his belt. I saw his cock and I wanted to suck it, I wanted him inside. I wanted everything at once. I tried to push all the thoughts away as he positioned himself and I moaned out loudly once he's inside me. I am overwhelmed by a wave of pleasure rather than the pain I was expecting, but it still took a while to get used to it, before I kept moaning even more, clawing at his back, thankful for everything. 

"Please go deeper." I begged as he thrusted even harder, now in and out and I couldn't help but clutch harder at his back, moaning as he licked my neck with each thrust. It kept feeling better and better as I closed my eyes and pulled him closer, grabbing onto his lips with mine and coming. Jamie came as well inside me as I felt him fill me up, tiredly giving the last thrusts before collapsing on top of me. He looked at me heavily breathing and kissed me desperately, as if nothing would ever taste like enough. I pulled him, wrapping my arms around him. Jamie slowly pulled out and kissed me again. It was bizarre to dress up after sex, as Jamie would make sure that I had felt okay, asking me that several times and I only prayed that he held no regrets at all. He didn't, as I finally had the courage to ask him on our way back, allowing myself to doze off on the seat, all buckled up for safety and feeling Jamie's hand on my forehead during a traffic light, causing me to smile.

The day afterwards I felt restless, but I was better, because I actually managed to get out of bed first, turning off Jamie's alarm clock for him and lying besides him as he started waking up. There was no question whether he was allowed in my bed or not. It seemed far too obvious that I had let him further in my life. And it was a first where Jamie had left me behind as I seemed to immersed into an episode of Dr. Phil, just to kill time and all we needed was milk. He just rang the bell and I felt startled, as if I hadn't expected him to come back. Jamie came back with more groceries, telling that it's okay for us to spend some time inside. I wondered far too much what was going through his mind, as he just sat besides me and we continued watching. 
I felt weird sitting and leaning against him, the whole fact that I now had a boyfriend or a man who cared deeply about me and who raised the ghosts of the past with Miles. What had that all been with poor Miles then? What do I do with Miles now who was Jamie's previous lover and close to being my past as well? Miles was like some unwritten passage, which was never finished for doubtless reasons. 
It's as if sleeping with Jamie made it impossible to talk about Miles now. I feel his fingers stroking my temple and it's odd to jnow that we are both sharing something among each other. My anxiety rises and I still don't say anything, besides snuggling against him but he notices my current state and asks me about it. I don't know how to tell him that because he had opened the door now I wonder about a different man now.

"I think." I start. "That I should mend things with Miles."

He's either oblivious or knows too much, as he agrees. It's as if I don't even remember why we had drifted apart anyway. It was because I had been too cranky at him for not knowing about him and Jamie, that he had stayed closeted away from me. But could I blame him for holding his life personal? And what had been wring with that? What entitlement did I have to know who he had been fucking at the time? 

Sometimes we just drive around, when I can't speak and that somehow makes me speak even less. And it's raining now and it just seems too gloomy to even show a glimpse of sunshine tomorrow, feels like the void would feel somehow similar to this. 

I don't know where misery starts, I don't know where misery ends and everything seems to be pointing towards Miles, who I know will be coming over. 
Why has he never told me anything? Why did he tell Jamie? Why did he go for Jamie instead of me? And why did I go for Jamie instead of Miles as well? I look at Jamie feeling guilty of all my thoughts and how heavy they weigh that I can't do anything at all. It's hard to have a heartbreak over things that never were, because you can't even convince yourself that the other had the same pain upon once. I don't even know how to voice it to poor Jamie, I feel guilty that I hold a terribly strong connection to him, but Miles clouds my mind, no matter how much I end up kissing him, Miles still runs through my mind with all his wonders and mysteries. Is it because he is an even older lover? My mind just keeps facing what if he has someone else and why would he even glance at me for the second time with the same eyes?

I don't speak to Jamie and he respects my privacy and all of a sudden I wish that it was Miles who had walked in to find the empty pizza boxes and tell me everything I had ever needed to hear. And I feel guilty of that. I feel guilty of somehow loving another man. Or feeling something towards another. But then they had both taken deep cleanse care of me, I just happened to always have been shooing Miles away, only allowing Jamie to rub my back.

The problem is that the only memories which blossom are Paris with splashing him in pools, laughing shirtless during bike rides and nearly kissing every damn night. Those are the only things I can think of which would even stroke my love even close. That is all I am left with.

I get very anxious by the time Miles is supposed to arrive and he is fashionably late, Jamie did my tie, as we all agreed that putting me in a suit would do me good for a change. It was Jamie's idea, because whenever he would feel different from life, he would put on a suit to put things in their place, where they would belong somehow. Jamie notices me and from the corner of my eye, I notice that he's sad, probably knowing that he would be giving me to the wolves now, because I am slowly getting better and unraveling. I try not to think of it a lot, but he stares at me intensely once the door bell rings and I just stands up to get it, but instead he grabs my hand and pulls me closer to him to kiss and I do so. 

Maybe I would be better alone again, with no Miles or Jamie, allowing nothing to go in my mind, allowing myself to somehow fall in love with myself, to believe in myself and allow Arielle's death to seep through my fingers, slowly and until it detaches. And I could travel Europe properly alone. I think of saying that before Miles walks in and allows me to remember how good Jamie looks in his suit, how good Miles looks in his. 

We had ordered food, so that I wouldn't panic while cooking, as both men sit down and I serve. Insisting on it. I will think about it, at least.


I wrote this back on my tablet when I was without a computer. I've been struggling to publish it due to plain fear to be honest. So I wrote this ages ago and even in a few takes, mostly. Maybe two or so.

It was odd to come back to it and I did at Callie's request actually. What was weird about reopening it was the fact that I'm not as bad as I used to be because now I'm medicated and I had to apply that to Alex, who was badly medicated before like I had once been.

This was actually a first for me, I've never written public or outdoor sex before and I've had my thoughts on it, but I'm far too anxious to get caught and whatnot. So alas. But it was terribly fun and hot to write and I was really into it and whatnot.

I'll keep my mouth shut so that I don't spoil anything ;) and I'm left with no crush besides obsessing over Jamie Hince, so I'm over the heartbreak so I might be a bit more boring in the backstories now. I'm sorry about that.

I hope you enjoyed this long chapter and if you liked it, please tell me so.



Thursday, 17 March 2016

Pimp Jamie

Alison lights my cigarette as we stand under the plastic looking palm trees, after all these years everything feels a bit surreal under the trees. I decided to tag along for the mere reason because I could. It was a far too many time client of Alison and he had wanted to celebrate his wife's death right at the funeral with a prostitute. It was surely a way to celebrate in class. She fixes the hem of her respectable black dress, which has a huge cut under the black cardigan she's wearing. We are mourning after all. As soon as the first people start heading to their cars with tissues, Alison motions for me to shoo off.

I keep looking at her as she puts on her dark sunglasses, still in her dark dress, a cardigan over it to cover the revealing cut she has for the man to ogle over late on. My mind goes a bit forward as I imagine Alison in the action, surely something I had seen before. Not only once we've had a client who just asked for someone to watch them fuck, when I had just started, but I had fucked Alison herself as well. I tried to push away the contents of our mutual decision to never take it further, as we both seemed to enjoy our job and being 30 and 40 with children, married was something which never appealed to us. But where else would you go from there? That's why we had called it quits post-coital after once when we were drunk and I had wanted to test her out. It would be a lie if I would've said that there was no tension.

I inhaled deeply, nearly up to a cough and decided to drive away after all. I had a date to attend, which Alison would scoff on about later on. Usually we would catch up, if she had a minute before dinner, she would speak of her clients both female and male, while I would speak of anyone who had been my love at this point. Now it was a woman who had no idea of my work, as I told her to let her imagination run wild, which she wasn't too thrilled of, but enjoyed my company. Not to the extent that I had ever wanted, because I only seemed discardable to her, which would make Alison go sour. But we all enjoyed a love gamble. She's go sour telling me that I deserved better and we would drink wine to that, but I'd always go running on the phone call if Kate, the woman would call. I would only grumble at Alison that she was better than Jack who had forced me into strict monogamy to later find out that he's married and to one of our prostitutes.

So it just felt as if everything was against me when it came to love or even trying. I was dreading the date, wondering why was I even going towards it and what was the point of that anyway. I knew what the outcome would be, I knew that Kate would lure me into bed again and then that would be it and she'd ignore her phone for days and leave me high and dry. What was the point of that? I never understood if she'd keep talking to me for so long for a couple of days and then vanish. But then ever day is not like the other. Even for myself, I knew that. I couldn't help but know how I had felt about her and it's not like she was seeing someone else, she was doing something which I never understood, but she'd vanish off the earth's surface. Once I had seen her when she was shopping for books and then clothes, bumping in the same stores into her. She really enjoyed her own company and guess that's where everyone else felt short for her, even if she would nag how lonely she had felt.

We had met because she had found my dog Archie cute and he seemed to have taking a liking of her, sometimes even more than of me. Then we just continued talking, never mentioning what we did for a living, but from her easy schedule I only assumed that she was either a freelancer of sorts (like I was with women's bodies and a couple of men) or simply had an income of money somehow. Maybe she was someone else a few years ago and that's where the money came from. Alison suggested maybe she was someone behind the scenes since we could never find anything on her. I always pictured her as some photographer, since she would take endless photos of me and herself. That could've been it and I hope that I wasn't easy to identify as well.

She didn't show up. It dawned on me how much I was counting on her to show up with her camera and her laughter, that I forgot the possibility that she could've not showed up at all. I felt lost just sitting there alone because when you're single you only notice that everyone else is taken and someone else who is alone feels like an anecdote you can easily ignore. Maybe because you're the joke. That is what it all boils down to, being jealous that other people have it different and somehow better. I had started this whole affair, not Kate, prostitution because I had been friends with another agent. We were old friends, they had started out with drugs and then progressed and it seemed that my guitar would get me nowhere, while selling people's bodies seemed to give much more money. In the end I had given up guitar, only to pick it up sometime and feel this old icky nostalgia of when I had been a person. People don't talk about prostution enough, they either despite it to the core or they prefer not to think of it. There is no middle or any other reaction, some see it as exploitation which can be just like in any other job, while the people who work might see it under a more liberal light.

At the end of the day it becomes a controversial topic, because people shame it far too much, just like people shame sex to a ridiculous extent and sex is not just about the women people enjoy to judge so badly or the men they'd abuse in conversation.

And I ordered more wine, a whole bottle as if it were for two who wanted to forget everything, well with her not being here, I might just erase her memories as well. I tried not to think deep and not check her social media accounts which she was very active on and shared with me proudly, as if to remind me of other ways to miss her instead of reaching her actually.

I was expecting Alison to tell me that she is a photographer indeed on the phone, when she had called and I even hesitated to pick up as Alison's face pinned under myself rushed through my head under the sweet wine. Instead I got a very long silence and heavy breathing, as I could hear other voices and I had only thought that she had surely decided to regain something at a party, but instead she couldn't speak no matter how much I'd tell her.

“Brian's dead.” And my hands go cold. Brian is one of the new call boys, which had somehow gathered quite a list of clients, because of his looks and allowing older men to experience some nirvana state with him. I look around, as if bewildered that someone can overhear me.

“I-I beg your pardon?” I nearly whisper, ducking my head lower and lower until my face is in my hand.

“He's dead. I just walked into the premises-” She rushes to state as I hear her heels against the floor. Something which would arouse far too many customers.

“He wasn't supposed to be there. Today is his day off-” I hurry, as if it will make a difference.

“Day off from life now.” She says and I can hear her tap her fingers against the wall. “I can't call the police, Jamie. It's in the premises. We've got... everything here.”

Alison is shaking. I'm sure she's in Brian's blood, she's such a deer to check a pulse of someone torn to shreds. 


My computer broke down, yeah the one which I've had nearly for six years, so it's impossible to let go, of course still trying to fix it, but it's quite hard considering that now I'm currently without it and using someone else's computer is always a terrible terrible hassle. 

Anyway, technicalities aside. 

I got the idea from a video edit to be very honest. Is the gem which inspired me. So thank you so so much, I can't stop laughing at it days on xD Otherwise I would've never written the story. Then I started writing it, my computer died and ate the first 100 words so I had to rewrite those and I'm rather happy because it turned out sleazier and what I was aiming for. This might just be the last thing I've written on said computer, who knows. I'm happy that I sent myself a copy just in case. Turns out caution was good. 

Also obviously the second inspiration is the Doing It To Death video. I liked the contrast of palm trees and gravestones, so that stood out for me and I held it. 

I was hesitant over the fact that I put Alison in a dress to which Callie replied saying that I already squeezed Alison into being a prostitute, so a dress is a minor thing.  

The last inspiration was pretty much everything sinking with my crush, so I kind of wanted to show my own sulking and a way to use it wisely. 

In the beginning all I had was the sole idea of pimp Jamie with no plot, so I used my trusty method of spacing out on a bus ride and started thinking about murder and originally I wanted to kill someone female, but decided that male would be more interesting, at least in how it will be unfolding so I decided on that. Then I needed to choose who to kill and frankly Brian was a good candidate.

I nearly spent as much figuring out a title. 

I hope you enjoyed it and you appreciate my efforts on a foreign keyboard.  



Sunday, 13 March 2016

To Miles 55

I dream of Jamie again, as I’m back to my bunk and he’s applying lipstick in nearly circular short motions, making sure that it’s the brightest red you can achieve and he doesn’t look back at me, his hair pinned back so that he would be able to wear a wig. I wake up, realizing that I’ve never seen him in drag and I have no idea how he would even look in it. Through out the day I barely concentrate on anything and I feel bored during training even if we all understand that soon enough we will be all put on the line and I wonder if I had just chosen something boring after all, but it was the fact that I’d be locked with a bunch of other men and live some closed dystopia on a ship which attracted me the most. Of course, I wanted a carrier and I had the brief dream of becoming a pilot, but that was shot down by myself singlehandedly. I end up sitting in the turret, killing time because there’s plenty of the day to go.

Hince asks someone to fetch after me, because he wouldn’t go hunting down someone and I’m terribly surprised to see him in the corridor to his room. I see him holding from smiling as he bites his bottom lip and then straightens his back as another sailor passes by on his own business. 

“Turner, you’ve been without shore leave for a long while. Rejoice, you’ve got it.” He says dryly and we wait for the sailor to close the door behind him, as we both crook our necks to make sure he’s left. Then his expression changes entirely. “Better for you to rest up before anything else happens.”

Jamie puts his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it. Not showing much affection, but I know that all is going to unleash once we’re alone in the night. I don’t know how to react from the sudden news, so I just say thank you, Sir, Jamie wincing jokingly at the formality, quickly patting my cheek before someone else comes in to tell him that Brian is looking for him. We’re left only with our eyes and soon enough, I ask to be dismissed and I can’t just go back to the turret, at least I don’t feel like I can be crammed into it again. The laziest days are always the worst and I couldn’t find the concentration to read books these days, it’s not even that guilt had started eating me completely about Julian, but it’s the sole fact that I seem to be the Devil’s advocate in everything I do which gets to me daily. I feel as if I am spiraling into nowhere and when the night comes both me and Jamie risk going onto the deck under the summer wine stars, as we’re allowed to see everything. We hold our silence, barely talking today since I’ve got shore leave and I know that I will be left to go back to my parents for a month and remind myself of how I’m not sure where to even go now. 

I watch Jamie under the moonlight’s sun inhale his cigarette and I watch the tip burn divinely. 

“I wish I didn’t have shore leave for even longer.” I blink, looking behind us to make sure that there is no one and my whole body aches from our recklessness, but we had both agreed to just go out for one cigarette and after that we would drown our sorrow in wine. 

“It’s good for you, Alex, you’ll reflect on everything.” He blows the smoke out slowly and I regret not choosing to smoke, but it’s not too late, but I don’t want anyone to catch us. 

“I already reflect on everything daily.” I mutter, putting my head on my arms and on the rail, watching him from the corner of my vision. I take the cigarette slowly from his fingers as our eyes lock and he doesn’t let go of it, motioning for me to take a drag from his hand as I follow him and do so, as his fingers go into my hair, messing up the day. I know that he somehow thinks that he’s not the best choice I’ve ever made, guilt has been eating him ever since we laid hands on each other, but he hides it so well sometimes that I forget. I continue mumbling as he strokes my cheek now fully. “I’ll miss you.”

“You’re saying that as if I’m not dreading it.” And he gets the hint from my whole tense body that we should be heading back into his room, which now I’ll be dreading not seeing and I can imagine him staying away and drinking alone or reading a book. I can imagine him doing anything besides being with me because I’ll be gone. Jamie finishes his cigarette and I can see that he is indeed dreading it awfully because he nearly pulls me into a kiss, but I step aside, telling him to hold his horses until we’re back.

And when we’re back into the room is when he doesn’t hold and pulls me tight. Now, he’ll be the one waiting and I’ll be the one killing my time aimlessly. I don’t know how to count days backwards, so I only am left in my bunk during the day and I feel more idle than I have ever been in my life and we both have crossing our own boundaries by Hince visiting me far too often in the turret to pick on me, which causes me to pull on his hair more rougher during sex, which he mocks me for. Or I make sure to stare at him in the mornings or during any meal, to which he had bitten me harder for. And I know that we’re both trailing down some insanity until the day where I have to leave. I’d be traveling back to my hometown, so we just hang out until we’re both due to leave. I’m not the only sailor leaving, but Jamie had told me that he doesn’t care about the other sailors. 

The city was just like any harbor city, not too big and the life revolved around the port. I wasn’t looking forward to the train ride, knowing that everything would end the same no matter if I looked forward to it or if I would grow to dread it even more. The outcome was always the same, just like seeing death at the end of life’s road. We decided to book in a hotel room, too terrified to have any sailor see us, so while we were in the room, something had turned us on that we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, unlike the time where Jamie was the one leaving. Instead my whole body was sore and I had wanted more, pinning Jamie down, not knowing where all this desire and energy was coming from. I didn’t know how to voice out my love. The only thing I had known was that somehow I wanted more of him and it was time for my train. 

When I sat in the train, that was when I realized that I would get so many letters from Jamie, as much as he would fit in, as I pressed my face nearly against the window, watching him stand lost on the long platform among other men and children waving the same train, probably containing a lot of lost love. The problem is that when time flies, you don’t even realize how much you’ll end up missing your lover and when it departed, I actually started crying and a woman who sat opposite me said that I would see my love soon and next to Jamie I noticed a woman who stood, just as lost and I realized that she mistook my lover for a woman, as I waved viciously and thankfully she couldn’t see that I was crying for another man. Jamie noticed that and just held his tears back and the thought that I would know soon through a letter what he had felt was calming me down. 

As the way went, I started thinking of Matt as the trees turned differently and we kept moving forwards. I had no idea where he would be and in the back of my mind I had a feeling that I would see him there, but I only told myself that it was wishful thinking. I ended up being far too depressed, not even opening the books Jamie gave me or the newspaper I had bought. I wondered about Jamie’s poetry and if he would send me some. 

I tried to calm myself down, that somehow, someday we would live together. I smiled at the thought and seemed to bathe in the whole idea that I had finally decided to see a future with someone and that someone was no one other than Jamie, whom I had loved dearly. I fell asleep to those thoughts, waking up nearly to my hometown, allowing myself to walk out sleepily into my mother’s arms, who had told me that she was proud of me, because I was keeping America's borders safe and that if anything were to happen, I would be there and so would Matt and that she was terribly proud of us. It’s always odd to see her and dad because I always notice how much they age. I didn’t get a place of my own yet, as there was no need and I would always avoid shore leave as much as I could, rejoicing all the time when we would just have shore stops. 

I didn’t like going back home and back to my room, which mom would make sure that would stay the same and same went with Matt’s mom. We would always nag about it. Instead I was greeted by even more photos of me in uniform, from the last time when I had shore leave. I felt like I couldn’t move on, but being a school boy again, now with Jamie’s divorce I wondered if we could have our own place, something Miles would’ve never even dreamed of. I wondered how did he actually feel about Alison and Jamie’s divorce since he had wished it so desperately. 

But when I am left in my room to unpack, as mom cooks dinner, I am left to reflect indeed and I start thinking of Jamie. I don’t know what else is there even to regret and even rape feels far too away and even a casualty at this point, something that had just happened because the armed forces have too many tainted secrets and ways to humiliate men at all costs. I sit on the bed with my shoes, kicking them off and looking at the ceiling. Nothing had changed with the same dull colour of the walls and the scattered books on the shelves and photos of me and Matt. 

I knew that I would think of Matt so desperately and my mom doesn’t shut up as we wait for dad to show up, after his small game of poker with his friends, such a religious tradition that he couldn’t break to see his son. But then I would be here for a month and if I was him, I wouldn’t either. Maybe there’s a reason why I’ll never be a father. 

I eventually end up talking off my clothes, not feeling anything of my mom cooing how handsome I seem to look in them, but she would coo at anything I would wear. I feel more relaxed to wear a shirt with a suit, something I hadn’t done in a while and I only recall Jamie saying how he does that nearly all the time he’s out to keep sane instead of only wearing more leisure clothes. As I start going downstairs I hear a door open, mom exclaim something excitedly and soon enough I see a familiar face pulling me closer. My heart starts racing. I get scared about the sudden outburst of emotion I had shown with Matt, but my mom only sees it as something between two close friends. Unlike my parents Matt doesn’t look like he has aged, only his hair is shorter. 

I don’t know how to ask him why hadn’t he continued sending the sensual letters he had started. And I certainly cannot ask that in front of my own mother, who sees Matt as another son, since she only had me and already in some harsh birth where the cord was around my neck and I hadn’t been breathing as they delivered me. 

“Can you believe it, Alex, he’s got shore leave as well?” And now it crosses my mind that Jamie could possibly be jealous and I don’t exactly know how I would feel about that. I don’t know how I would feel about such a situation if it was Jamie as well. I still feel that both me and Matt have plenty to catch up on, specifically our own situation, but as the evening progresses and both families are invited over, Matt seems to be showing absolutely no change, as if we hadn’t drifted apart and I couldn’t even manage to send more letters, afraid of being desperate, even if Jamie had told me sleepily to send one more, because why would I want someone who would get angry at another letter from me.  

I didn’t know what to reply and how to tell him that I was also in love with someone else. We didn’t talk much about other interests and I wondered if it was really easier for me to blindly think that I was the only one. All I had known is that Miles was over and that was the only other man he had loved. I tried to focus on eating pie, but I wondered how many shore leaves would be left for Jamie to enjoy other men and how come wasn’t I guilty of it as well? Was that something which would cross his mind as well with the fear I have? I couldn’t help but keep looking at Matt. I knew that I would allow my hands to wander all over his body once I would get the chance and that I would love to do so in my bedroom where I spent furiously touching myself to him as I was growing up, through so many years and other loves. I had loved Matt more than I had ever loved myself or anyone else. 

Instead dinner seems to drag much longer, as if it would never end and everyone seems to be proud of us, even if death seems to be hanging and pulling the curtains over the table, showing the flashing night which might be our end if the war continues, but eveyone seems to be ignoring the topic of war. I only hope that it’s because of fear rather than anything else, because I’ve seen and heard of soldiers who have said that they are grateful that it isn’t Americans dying yet, that we’re in luck and that’s why the world isn’t as dark yet. But mostly everyone was filled with patriotism somehow. I just wanted to defend the people I loved, because I knew that a lot wouldn’t love me back for everything I had done. I would fight for Jamie, I would fight for Lana and Matt, who had known the sins I had commited and loved me through it. And that’s the soldier shoulders which wars are built on.


Can you believe that there hasn't been a chapter of To Miles since September? Me neither. I've never had such a long break from the story and I've missed it dearly and to be honest it was that one story which I constantly thought of, to be very honest. I always think of To Miles and if to think, it's the easiest for me to write because I've been writing it for such a long, long while. 

There was literally nothing of this chapter so everything was written in the course of the past few days. I've been writing every day quite a lot of the next update, in this case which was To Miles. I don't know why I've been choosing the bigger stories as well xD I should choose something short for a change, haha. 

I realized that there's no Jamie in drag in To Miles and I decided to change that, even if it's in a dream sequence. Also could be I've been thinking a lot about drag since RuPaul's Drag Race is back and I'm in love with it, as always. I'll keep my mouth shut on further x)

I've been in this idle, anxious haze so that's where the mood comes from and I've been jumpy through events, so that's why everything is rushed, I decided to give that to poor Alex, you see.

It's actually something embarrassing and maybe I shouldn't have shared, but I actually forgot about Alex's shore leave and thank fuck that it's not uncommon to go without a shore leave for a while, so that's how it went. Also this is a journal, so of course some details are things which Alex would prefer to leave out sometimes, like a steamy sex session even if he's a graphic motherfucker. 

I'm actually struggling with reading due to anxiety, so I gave that to Alex, but I've found my way back into fanfiction and specifically Gryles which is the only pairing I care about to read. I read some milex sometimes, but there's very few authors I enjoy dearly, unfortunately. But I really enjoy a lot of AU and Gryles has that and has one of the greatest to be honest. But if I were to choose the best fanfics it would surely be Radiohead. 

I picked up To Miles due to the latest Last Shadow Puppets single and I kept spinning it on repeat along with Kills' Doing it to Death naturally. That's why I clung onto the word reflect. 

My mom has a shrine of photos of me after I moved out, so that was given to poor Alex as well.

I had planned on someone else showing up first, but I'm not sure about them, so I'll keep silent, but Matt was sure to show up x)

I haven't been as good in the second love department and Jamie's advice is Callie's advice to me to be honest and I decided to use it here for flavor. 

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you for all the support, To Miles is over 150 k!



Thursday, 10 March 2016

In Between Days 2

I feel startled, still walking and not even knowing where to go with Jamie, let alone share him with a stranger. I’m not really a friend person, because they’re just so easy to lose and before I could even make my way to the plane to fly to Jamie, I ended up having a massive argument with my friend and that’s how we departed, so even talking to a stranger seems very out of place. I don’t have much to think in the short space I’m given and I’m not even sure what to say. 

“He’s just getting cold feet.” I say shortly and soon enough I hear a lighter and I guess she’s smoking inside, but soon enough I hear a window being yanked open. I wonder how does she even look, if she’s wearing any makeup at all and what else is going on in her mind. I look around and wonder if I should actually just stop somewhere and let this conversation unravel further. I hear an excited noise, she seems to be far more entertained by my whole story rather than her own. 

“How come? Come on, tell me, Alison.” She continues talking with her French accent sliding up and down. I can barely talk to myself in my head, how am I supposed to talk to someone else? I just sigh and I can feel her tense up lightly from my reluctancy to speak. 

“I moved in with him, but we’re still not an item.” I mumble, watching the cars pass and making my way under some huge window display of some charity shop as I occasionally look behind me to see the last season’s Topshop already on the mannequins. I guess someone clearly didn’t enjoy the previous season. I take a deep breath, it would be just like venting to a shrink I guess. Plus when else will I get the chance of a stranger calling me and we both get to vent on our boyfriends who got cold feet? “It’s like no matter how much I try. Well, I try to try. I mean, I can’t really go on and tell him to kiss me or anything-”


“He doesn’t touch me at all.” I interrupt her fast just to pick up from her concerns and it feels embarrassing and I feel as if I’m stuck in some middle school romance and I realize how much wrong I’ve decided by moving in with a guy who hasn’t touched me yet. I rub my eye, realizing I’ve got some eye shadow on. I take the phone away and mumble a curse, poking the back of my hand’s blue tint. I could be dead if I were luckier. I go on. “I moved in and we act like a couple, but nothing is official and he really wanted me over. True, he told me that when drunk, but don’t you tell the truth when you’re drunk or when it’s six a.m. or so? Wouldn’t both things be the double?”

“I guess.” The woman says and seems to be eager to listen to me, but hears my pause and picks up where she’s left off. “But that is so strange that you’ve never slept with him. I would have gone crazy by now. I mean don’t you want him-”

I feel myself go red. My early twenties are a disaster. 

“Of course I do, but there’s nothing I can do.” I swallow. “Maybe he’s in the right... I’m not too sexy. I mean, I am sexual, but I’m-”

And I look at the long mirror in the charity shop which should appeal to anyone who tries to check out their appearance. I can’t even wear skirts, I just feel so wrong in them and I feel like I could peel off my skin when I wear one. It just feels so terribly wrong. Even growing out my hair seemed wrong but I grew into it, allow it to cover my shoulders slowly. 

“Oh, honey, I’m sure you’re sexy. It’s really he who is the problem and you’ve moved in with him...” I can hear her thinking and another flick of the lighter, maybe her cigarette went out. It’s not too windy today or she could just be playing with it, I always have a pen in my hand, doodling as I talk to people if I’m not walking and I wonder what’s Jamie doing now, that I left him completely and with the phone in his hand. “He is very strange. Is there a reason he is acting this way?”

“He had a rough break up.” I say, sighing and pulling my hair strand by strand. “I don’t want to talk about it, it’s not for me to tell. I just know how ugly it was. I’m guessing he’s just overwhelmed by it and having another girl in the house could be doing this to him.”

It’s just me guessing and wishful thinking, the more I think the more I presume. 

“Sounds like it. Such a mess. Well, if he’s anything like my ex... You’ve got a long way to go darling.” She laughs sadly. Then we both hold a pause. It’s as if we’ve ranted enough, if this were Samaritans we would’ve hang the phone completely and I would’ve never gotten a proper reply but instead some sympathy and getting told to find the energy within me instead of dabbling onto someone else’s. She seems to be thinking as well. “I’m Valentine.”

I’m pulling strand by strand watching my hair-



I catch myself pulling strand by strand. I can’t mutter an excuse, instead she starts talking even further. 

“If he was my Jamie, well, he’s not mine anymore, it would’ve been worse, I’m sure he wouldn’t even have had kissed you, he would just let you linger. He’s awful when he’s depressed. I haven’t mentioned that yet. He just sulks on days to end, allowing no ray of light to seep through.” I look at the mess of my hair and I want her to keep talking. ‘She cheated on Jamie’ seems to show up in flashing lights in my head and I don’t know how she had even gotten my number by accident and I feel as if Jamie’s depression latched onto me for a brief second and I’m left alone trying to entertain myself with his ex-girlfriend. 

“Well...” I speak in long pauses now, pulling more hair. “At least you’re not with him. Maybe that’s a good thing?”

Yeah, then I have Jamie all for myself then. I don’t know how to proceed, but I keep thinking of her with a nearing head ache as I start walking again and the signal shouldn’t be as good now, but I can’t help but wonder how the other side sounds, from the cheater and this feels like finding out another side of Jamie. It’s just a phone call is what I just tell myself and that’s all there is. 

“Maybe.” She exhales very loudly. “But I do miss him. Not enough to get him back, but he crosses my mind far too often not to miss.”

I see that I had found some sad streak and to Valentine talking to a stranger is better than someone who she knows. 


I actually sat and wrote this down in two sittings, my first being around 100 words and then I just locked myself in a room with headphones and kept writing. It was easier a bit before halfway through and thankfully I've been really feeling it, so I kind of want to keep pushing it and publishing every 3 days as usual :) Don't worry I'll still be posting the animal, I just want to have stories as well and stimulus to keep writing viciously. 

I felt a bit weird coming back to writing from a female perspective and having a very female centric story, since I'm not female and it was kind of digging out thoughts which I might've had when I identified as female and kind of observation really. As an odd inspiration I decided to watch Ghost World, which will make as much as sense as Jamie saying that Jamaican music helped him to do Doing It To Death. 

I kind of always remember Topshop in second hand stores, charity stores and whatnot, just because I would check them out, specifically the one which inspired me to do Used Lighter. 

Just recalling Alison's shyness really kind of was a driving force for this chapter and there's this gifset of her hiding with her cardi or something which also was in the back of my mind. 

I struggled whether I wanted Alison to be more female or androgynous in this story and decided to have fun and go female here, at least, I think so. Alison seems pretty ambiguous to me. 

About Samaritans I was with my therapist and I was just in awe that they gave advice back, because whenever I'd feel bad I'd call Samaritans, yeah, I still do that but I haven't since I got a therapist and I've been better thankfully, so that's where the sudden awe comes from. 

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you so so much



Monday, 7 March 2016

No. 1 Party Anthem 8

Growing up I even believed in failed relationships, that I could have one and by just having one, that would somehow be enough. That the memories would keep me full somehow, that somehow I would manage to make more sane of myself, once tasted someone’s lips and that’s why I had never touched Jamie, because I knew that I would screw up everything and that would’ve surely not been enough. That made me believe that it was what love was. 

With Alex it was different, I felt like a grenade, knowing what I was about to do, but trying everything, maybe I was going back to my old high school belief that a failed relationship would still be better than nothing. I try not to say anything at all, as I watch him, regretting that my feelings had escalated ridiculously in an odd confession, as if I were proposing to someone without knowing them, an arranged marriage. I didn’t know why had those words escaped my lips and why had I been the one trailing after Alex so much. 

I just stare at Alex and it’s not that he’s cold-

He is cold.

Somehow I am reminded of a conversation I had with Jamie, where we had both sat on rails, watching people go by and it was back when Jamie’s hair had been much longer and I remember how he had been sad due to his first breakup with Brian and after that he had never grown his hair again. So, we both sat on said rail and he had told me that he thinks that what if some people just don’t have soulmates. I replied that I always found it easier if people do, but sometimes they never end up with them due to some reason. 

Then he looked at me, his green eyes far too much immersed in despair and told me that it was the saddest thing he had heard and just proceeded to smoke. I just watched him, not knowing what to do with his statement and somehow that memory flung back at me, just now. 

Maybe we just don’t need some people in our lives. 

I knew that I wanted Alex beneath me and his dark eyes seemed to be far too luring, I knew that I wanted to pull his hair until he’d feel it-

I want to kiss him, I want him to feel salty love on my lips, but instead I can see that he’s itching for a cigarette, but instead I wait for him, as he just stands up and motions that he needs a smoke. I follow him outside, both of us saying nothing and as he smokes he doesn’t take his eyes off me, before opening his mouth in a devilish grin and I wonder what kind of pact he has in mind.

“Of course if you mind being friends with benefits.” I didn’t even know we were considered friends, so that feels a bit flattering on one end, as I just stare at him. Is it better than nothing? Do I even have a say?

He seems to have wiped off my words of love. 

I have sold my soul with no return already. I just shrug and take a drag of his cigarette, as he feeds me it and I know that he has hunger for me even if it’s sole sexual, it feels like some sort of need, which only strokes my ego and punishes my desires. It feels being exposed again and somehow feels like winning nothing again. I don’t even know where to go from here. I don’t feel comfortable being his friend, making it everything besides romantic and that just feels odd. It feels like a different Jamie, then. 

Alex doesn’t take my silence too well and keeps dragging on his cigarette.

“I’m with Arielle.”

“You’re cheating on her.” I just reply to him as soon as he opens his mouth and Alex just shrugs, not really knowing what to reply to that, looking down. It’s odd to consider at this time of the day that he even has feelings for her, which are deeper yet he’s sleeping around with someone else. 

“You yourself said that you guys have issues. I don’t understand what’s keeping you.” 

“Have you thought that I’d have to move out, that I’d have to turn life around just because I ended up with a different sexual desire? I’d have to change absolutely everything.” But he snaps as soon as I can even continue my thinking. I just stare at him blankly. I even narrow my eyes at his stupidity. 

“Well, of course, you’d have to change everything, because you’ve already changed everything.” I snap back and I wonder if this counts as being friends, since I can now voice my opinion. I decide to add that ice to the bunch we’re drinking. “I’m your friend, I’m supposed to be honest with you, Alex.”

Alex throws out his cigarette, nearly smoked, so he just goes inside the building and up the stairs, looking behind to make sure that I’m following him. I am. I feel like I need a drink from listening to all of this disaster which I’m signing up for and I can only dread that this is what happens from thinking with your penis, that straight guys are hot, this is all fucked in the head by the end of the day, solely because he doesn’t want to leave his girlfriend and wants to remain heterosexual, or at least in his mind. We get back in the apartment and it feels small and it’s a bit mirrored off Jamie’s since all apartments are similar, it’s only Alex’s house which is different but even then the fact that he has a house doesn’t change the fact that they’re also the same to other houses. We live in a world where someone is clearly jerking off to repetition. 

“And where else does your honesty lay?” He asks me, now feeling fidgety in my apartment and he decides to just sit on the floor, somehow couches are unpopular these days, but after a while, he moves a Beatles pillow and sits on the couch. Jamie would usually mock me for those pillows, but eventually he said that they were cute and left them be. 

There was a time when Jamie was into astrology, back when we had both just realized who we were and things would match up in the charts, but be a life disaster and eventually Jamie said that the horoscope is for those who work out and clearly he wasn’t that. I stopped checking mine’s and Jamie’s as well, knowing the end result anyway. Same would be for Alex’s. In the end all the horoscopes lie, because we don’t end up with those said people. It just becomes a sour placebo for heartbreak.

Alex eventually picked up the pillow and twirled it in his hands, looking at Paul. Probably still thinking what to say and I’d never know what has graced his mind in that specific moment, when me and Jamie were the closest it bothered me that I would never know what’s truly on his mind and now that was reflected to Alex. 

“You really need to stop playing saint.” Alex coughed, covering his mouth and it was most likely from the sudden cold outside which now had enough snow falling and making sure that you wouldn’t guess the current season, just allow it to be covered with a thin plasticine layer of snow which would be gone before the kids would dig up their sleighs again. I just looked at him, a bit confused even if I had known what he meant by that. Alex picked up where he left off. “You’re agreeing to sleep with a man who is cheating.”

“Yeah, because you’re not breaking up with her.” I snap, but that doesn’t bother to change Alex’s opinion of me. 

“You’re still the lover. Think of it any other way, you’re a lover, the lover is just as guilty. You’d blame any woman for doing it, so how come you’re different for doing so?” He finished his sentence and coughed again, before calming down his throat and hugging himself for warmth. At this rate I wouldn’t be surprised if it so happened that it would snow in May again. “Just because you’re a guy who’s literally jerking off to some straight guy who decided to wander in gay territories-”

“How about that you’re the cheater?” I interrupt him completely and he just smirks at me, nodding, mumbling something under his breath before I ask him to speak up. 

“Hey, just because we’re talking about your lover role, doesn’t mean that I forget about my own sins.” Alex seems to be completely fidgety, allowing his hands to wander all over the pillow and clutch it tightly throughout the whole conversation. Then he just looks at me, going through the words over in his head and I actually notice how he speaks in brief pauses, really going through his own words and the small observation stuns me for a while, before he picks up the conversation. “I mean, if we’re friends, which I want us to be, I want to be honest with you.”

He pauses again. 

“We’ve never even talked properly, we have sex and then we have some post-coital chatter, but that’s all it lands on, that’s the only case where we do talk.” He seems to repeat himself as Alex stares ahead. “I mean, you want to date me, but we’ve never done anything like it.”

“Because you don’t want it-” I try to dig into the conversation.

“Because neither do you keep your hands off me.” Alex interrupts me, smirking and I observe him with his shy nature wrapped into a cocky shell, where he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, like the rest of us. 

“That’s true, but it doesn’t change that you do it either.” I decide to play his game as well. “Yeah, we’re both guilty, but that doesn’t change the fact that-”

I lose my trail of thought, just looking at him and sighing, shaking my head to indicate that I’m done. I look at him, lost and I just shrug my shoulders. 

“Sure, let’s be friends.”

“With benefits. I’m still shagging you.” Alex grins, leaning against the pillow, smashing Paul’s face with his elbow. 

“It really doesn’t bother you that you’re cheating on Arielle, I see.” I try to be snarky, but it backfires as Alex just continues to talk. 

“As much as it bothers you when my dick is up your ass.” Alex smirks. 

Sometimes I don’t know where to go and as soon as he leaves, which is not too far after our small conversation, he just excused himself, suggesting that we should really go out more from the four walls of the apartment and watch a movie or eat out, check out a museum or anything at all. His homework to me was to actually investigate where I would want to go. He called me a while after and just asked me what would my plans for Valentine’s be and to be honest every single Valentine’s seemed to be in a strong haze of that time when Jamie was insensitive about a gift I had gotten him and I ended up getting so drunk that I just laid on the floor, unable to sit up because then my head would be pounding and ever since Valentine’s seemed to have a rather dark red tint for me. But I didn’t want to tell him about loving some other man at some point of my existence and listening to I Love You Golden Blue by Sonic Youth, just because Jamie and Brian liked them a lot. Brian specifically had been a huge fan and just listening to something which made me think of Jamie, was something I was wounding myself with deliberately. I had no one to pick me up either as I just laid there until the booze had worn off and I woke up in the morning with no hangover. 

Seeing Jamie kick and trip the shoes as he makes his way into my apartment feels like a daydream because we haven’t seen each other in that much, as I would wait for everything to unravel and not understand even what actually day it is anymore. He’s also clutching onto his leather jacket, as if the weather means nothing outside, but he’s got a warm stripy sweater underneath as he finally makes his way in with his key. 

I just invite him over to my bed, as he goes inside the covers fully clothed and it’s so usual that I don’t get too excited from the motion and Jamie looks up at the ceiling, smirking that I had always wanted to put glow in the dark stars but due to short renting contracts I wouldn’t have the time to put them up. I watch him for a while, as he keeps looking up, as if they would be there and eventually stare at the ceiling again. Maybe love has finally let go of me, allowing only the aftertaste to remain and I just have to rinse my mouth now. 

“How’s your loverboy?” And I know that he’s angry that I’ve been sleeping with a taken man, even if he would agree that Alex seems to be a catch. I turn to face him and he does the same. I see the same in his dark eyes and I smile at my best friend. I just sigh, taking the pillow from underneath me and putting it on top of my face and I say only for it to come out muffled, that he wants to be friends with benefits to which Jamie removes the pillow and asks me to repeat it once more. 

“I said that he wants to be friends with benefits.” I say. 

“I thought he’d want to be lovers. Isn’t that what you are-” And he stops midway, thinking. “Is that an upgrade or a downgrade from being a sleazy lover?”

He smirks and I hit him with the pillow. Jamie just smirks again, trying to block it, but failing as he realized it far too late. 

“I actually don’t know.” I pause. “Now that you put it that way... Is it an upgrade?”

Jamie now openly laughs at my glistering with hope eyes and just remains still, watching me unravel with thoughts. He notices that I hold the pause, waiting for him to reply, so he instead just takes his time, taking the said pillow for himself as he puts it behind his head. 

“I don’t know, Miles. Is it? I mean, you’re still a sleazy lover, now that he just decided that he wants to remain friends with you.” Jamie clicks his tongue. “And on top of everything, wouldn’t you say that it’s because he doesn’t want anything to do with dating you, then?”

And that’s when it hits me just as badly as it hit me the first time, only now I have no pillow to hide under and no Alex to complain to but to someone else, who had never wanted me as a lover as well. It becomes a subject I can’t discuss with Jamie, since he’s the other person I had desired. For some reason people just don’t want to ruin things with me and that just makes me far less desired and sad. Jamie notices my sudden change, but doesn’t say anything, as if waiting for my mouth to catch up on my sadness, that it would speak for me, but the words wouldn’t come for me. Jamie just put his hand on my shoulder, before pulling me into a hug and I felt that I was double-friendzoned by two lads now. Instead I pushed myself out of the hug, realizing that some breakfast would actually do me good. Jamie browsed on his phone the whole time as I was choosing which suit to wear, something he had taught me to keep myself sane. He noticed my sudden choice of attire, but didn’t comment much.

We had breakfast together, I cooked some eggs for him as well, knowing that his breakfast was surely something lazy like grilled cheese, so he didn’t refuse the double breakfast which was handed to him today. 

“Come on, Miles, speak up, don’t bottle it up.” He said, blowing on the fork. “You always tell me to never bottle it up with Brian, so why should you with someone who you’ve even known less?”

Jamie realized his mistake and corrects himself. 

“Not that it makes it any less painful, just saying, that... You should really talk about it.” As he says I just realize that I really don’t want to talk about it at all and frankly if I could, I’d excuse him outside, but instead I’m left with him, so I just blow on my own fork. I just shake my head at him, smiling. He shrugs and pokes me with the fork, once he eats the omelette off it. 

“I don’t know, man, what is there to talk about it, anyway?” I sigh, rubbing the place where he had just poked me. “Of course I’m not happy and of course, I thought that he would just leave her be and end up with me, because he found some gay holy grail. That guy... he’s really not straight. I mean, he’s screwing with me-”

“Some people just fall despite their sexualities. You never know.” Jamie shrugs, not so sure of it himself. “Maybe I’ll end up with some chick, how do you know?”

We both smirk at his remark. 

“Yeah, Arielle wanted to hook you up with a friend of hers.” I decide to catch up on it before he asks me further. “I met her. No big deal. She thinks that I’m the great gay friend which she can have.”

I swallow a lump in my throat. 

“She thinks we’re a couple, guess we play too well.” I smirk at him, a bit sadly, but instead Jamie is now glued to his mobile and shows me some text from Brian, which neither of us read and soon enough delete, knowing that now he’s really not coming back. 


It's been a long long while since September and the last chapter, yet, I'm here and happy about it:)

I didn't post it yesterday because I realized that I needed to post the video, which was already a day late, so the story ended up being a day late as well. I actually sat a few times and got it down, the last sit down was a full 1k and I'm awfully proud of myself, since I had such a long hiatus and mentally I was drained, but now I'm healed. 

I'll write this down before I forget it, but due to the animal being the last thing I had written kind of with my head fully immersed I have these leftovers with no dialogue and retelling left, which you can see through out this chapter as well.

Everything was written in the past 2-3 days besides the first few paragraphs, so go me.

I usually write this one with We've all been broken hand in hand, so they come together, as you can see. 

The conversation mentioned here with Jamie, was a conversation I had and I was told that my belief is sad and I never saw it as anything sad to be honest, so that kind of decided to tuck in my head and I used it for the story in a nice scene. 

I like touching things which I'll never have like cheating which is a very strong discussion through out both stories and now I start touching on friends with benefits which I always found interesting, so I decided to dig into both here. 

Every chapter is around 3k so this is one of the hardest stories to write for sure, so usually it takes a while to update, but I've been feeling it now x)

I nearly always imagine Jamie's apartment the same as Miles' in the story, so I made fun of myself for thinking that really.

I don't know why I got pissed off at astrology, actually, I know, I got a good prediction on my crush and it's not as swell as it could be, so of course I'm cross at a bad prediction x)

Miles' Beatles pillows in real life will never cease to amuse me xD had to add them in:)

I got hammered this Valentines' day because it didn't go as planned and I just got very sad, what happened was what was described in the story, I got an insensitive reaction and by the end of it I just laid on the floor, because my head was pounding so badly and I was full on sulking and proving Callie that I wasn't hammered (which I was, but it didn't feel that way). I have no idea how Callie deals with me being poly and all my shenanigans, but that's the beauty that she's my best friend and my partner. I was sulking so badly that I connected with I love you Golden Blue. 

I'm terribly excited to have Jamie the best friend back, because I'm a Jamie Hince fanatic, so I'm happy to have him back x) We didn't have him for a good while, besides Miles thinking of him. 

I want glow in the dark stars on my ceiling actually, but I move far too often xD

Ah, yes, Jamie, speak of exceptions.

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you