Sunday, 28 April 2013


Kate doesn’t call the entire week and I don’t do anything either, I just dye my roots and I keep eating, Jamie doesn’t call either, it’s as if the Moss-Hince’s cut me off. I see Lila Grace with a friend in the mall, we just wave. Then she asks me if the shirt looks good on her and I just shrug. Her friends giggle and I wonder how would it be to a be a child of someone famous, not yourself, but someone else.

It’s different with Lila Grace, she’s like a shining star, while Jack’s are children and I feel more connected to Jack’s children with Karen lulling them after a bad grade and it seems better for me, there’s more connection, there is no Karen without the children, while there is a Kate without Lila Grace and there is more Kate without her than with her.

If I ever have children, I want to be united. But I don’t tell that Lila Grace and I wonder with her around the store, looking at the weird teenage books we even stumble on and in the end Jamie comes to pick her up.

“Hi.” We both kiss each other’s cheeks, having both tasted each others lips with regret. It feels as if I had been tracing too much red lipstick out of the corners, making my mouth a hole and me and Jamie smile, knowing how horrid I look.

Lila Grace keeps checking the books. I can’t ask how is Kate.

Kate doesn’t show up in the end and I wave them off.

I can’t ask how is Kate.


I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request, there's more to come:)


Saturday, 27 April 2013

The Blunderbuss Angel said The Union is Forever 5

Back in high school I couldn’t say speak lower as if I had a headache. I was ashamed to mention the prescribed pills and we still don’t talk about depression, as if it is something shameful, but neither do people talk about HIV. Sometimes I would wish that teachers watched their words and I would say, oi, watch it, I’m depressed, but that just makes it worse when you think of it.

Depression stretched longer, myself dropping medication at times and coming back to it.

I think of Jack’s beauty and the hangover buzzes in my head, I shouldn’t have been drinking alcohol with my medicine, but it’s the last goodbye and I just look at a sleeping Kate, pulling my bath robe behind me, as I am naked and it is opened.

I take out a carton of milk, still not being used to the taste and I know she won’t wake until midday from her hen party but neither should’ve I.

I drink the pills, I might’ve mentioned it, but Kate avoids it as well. I’ve tried some therapies, meditation and sports but everything would just make it worse. Sports was like chewing gum instead of brushing your own teeth, I am one of those people who would rather have something like alcohol and medicine down the throat. When I was younger it had been drugs to phase out, but Jack doesn’t really do them, but then why would he be depressed?

I spill the carton, swear and the carton drops on the floor.

I feel even worse, it’s all my fault and I lean my head against the counter and I start crying.


Sorry for the delay and I hope you enjoyed it ^_^

Feel free to request


Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Paper Guns 3

“I dislike Beyonce as well.” Pixie said as we were both crumbled in the couch each holding a cigarette in our writing hand even if now computers were more useful for homework and et cetera.

Jansen had just highfived her as I watched how her skin wasn’t too dark, but not too light enough to be mixed and her hair was also bleached but kept that way and she smiled at me as I looked at her converse tied a bit unneatly, bending at every middle at least three times. In the end Pixie stood up and headed after Jansen to the kitchen.

I saw her kissing Pixie and I saw the other woman’s fake eyelashes and I just wanted to drink water so I had squeezed in between them.

“Maybe we should all go on a double date?” Jansen said to Pixie’s lips and I stopped, tilting water into my cup, nodding imagining how loud my girlfriend would laugh and would get herself a pint of anything and keep drinking, stealing other people’s cigarettes and talking about her latest tattoos.

Looking at her was like looking though a sketchbook and all her life, all her migraines and I nodded, it could be an idea.

I had met her in a gay bar, not in the way where you walk up to unknown to you people, but when you get met up by people you know.

It had been weird as I had talked to her.

“Who’s your girlfriend?” Pixie asked raiding our food supplies already. I looked at her and how bright her hair was. Mine would fade out to a similar fainted colour in a few weeks it was just too bright now. I watched her shorts not too tiny and her legs hidden by bright tights.

“I think you’ve seen her, she’s the one with too many tattoos in university.” I swallowed.

“Oh, Lucy?” Pixie asked, maybe gaydar existed, well it most certainly did when you’re not scared any more and you actually raise your eyes at women.

“Yeah, she used to be straight.” I swallow again, watching Pixie drink water. “She used to do art but then she dropped it.

Lucia keeps saying that she’d rather do history because either way she’ll gain money off art, she sells some sketches sometimes and she pondered with doing tattoos. I mean, it’s odd, she barely has any blank skin besides her face. I’m not telling you the details, but like, she’s really nice.

She used to pretend that she’s straight. I met her in a library and I think I had dated someone from her history class. She had glared at us as I had kissed my ex then and even stolen her glasses, leaving my ex without her frames. Didn’t suit her anyway.

I walked up to Lucia, asked her to give me a book as she was in platforms and she mistook it and said she wasn’t a dyke and not interested in woman. Looking back now, I think she was asking.” I just look at Pixie and her bright blue contacts and her interested smile.

Jansen had heard the story before.

“Anyway.” I pause. “It’s a big deal to come out, I saw her in the bar later she had been with some bloke who had ditched her and I just sat near her. I just hugged her.”

“That’s it?” Pixie asks. “When did you guys have sex?”

I smirk.

“Took quite a while for us to date.” I emphasize on date ignoring her sex question. “Lucia parents are highly homophobic, she moved to the UK a few years ago, her parents behind back in Latin America, so yeah. They still don’t take the fact that she’s bisexual, she mentioned bisexual and they can’t stand it, let alone her always dating women or a woman from now on. Just because the country allows homosexual marriage doesn’t mean that her own relatives are willing you know.

I never asked her why she showed up in the bar but then she told me that Matt knew her to be a lesbian and forced her out into a pub which has pride flags on the entrance. He apologized ditching her so that she’d open up, not the best idea but better than nothing and keeping her on the side. Lucia had never dated anyone since she couldn’t date females really. That’s why she drew and she only does tattoos from women, she said it felt like some connection, like sex, it stays with you and if it’s bad it fades eventually you know.

I took Lucia out, a few times, she’d end up browsing through the art section in stores or even random books in Urban Outfitters. I remember at the end of it she took out her camera and quickly took a shot before I hugged her. She started texting me a lot and even sending me kisses but then you always send everyone kisses, you know?

Then she asked me to be her girlfriend after a while. We kissed.” I smile.

“How was your first sex?” Pixie still asks, eyes happy from the story she heard, sometimes novels aren’t as god as reality. We didn’t die from AIDS and we are not sappy stereotypes.

“A strap-on, just like with Jansen.” I say, barely holding my laugh, poking Jansen with my elbow who has her face covered in her hands.

“Jansen? What do you mean?” Pixie bursts out laughing as Jansen exits the room, leaving both me and Pixie in hysterical laughter as our eyes meet.


Initially it starts off with I hate Lana del Rey, but now, I'm a fan and I've always hated Beyonce so there xD

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request:) as there are none in the list so far!


Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Talk to the night

“I only like the flowers near the roads, the narcissuses.” Stephanie, Lana’s girlfriend smiles and I do as well. I see my sister Lana start laughing slightly, her eyes closing and I see that one arrow on one eye is shorter, but I don’t say anything, from those time when I was dating women and I would get a snap in my direction.

“I liked them because...” I make a pause and I see Lana giving Stephanie a spoonful of cake and I can see their rings glittering, reminding me that they had found each other in their early twenties and I was stuck in my mid thirties with no hope. But I catch Stephanie’s attention and she looks like a reflection of Lana both having their hair straightened, only Lana’s hair being brown and Stephanie’s a very light blonde. I had seen her with Lana applying the white powder once, she changes tones sometimes, just as she changes hair, being the exotic out of the two, while Lana was more insane in life, Stephanie was in looks. Lana was the one who would randomly take a truck and drive through few cities, her future wife laughing and she’d be the one getting the booze and shaking off men, but always being nice.

Sometimes they were like a picture, when you enter their house, they have photos of each other instead of the wallpaper with photos of dogs which they’ve had or could not find, some magazine cut outs as Lana would always walk around with a camera, grinning.

“Because?” Stephanie asks, her green eyes glittering. I swallow.

“Because that was the only source of understanding I’d see from heading out of a counsellor.” I say. Lana looks down, but Stephanie’s interest is already like tools spread out on the table.

“Why did you do counseling?” Stephanie asks. And now this is Lana’s turn to reply as I simply go back into the kitchen to pour myself some tea but I hear my sister and her wife clearly, even if I would go underwater, I could still hear her.

“Max dated this guy called Jamie. He cheated on him and when he realized Max wasn’t coming back, he shot himself, leaving a bunch of letters addressed to Max. It was even years after, he had kept banging on Max’s door.” I continue where I can interrupt Lana.

“He said he had fallen in love with me again, wider and more than ever. We were each other’s first so Jamie had no idea how to act the first time, he would even bring me flowers and besides blow jobs.” I smirk at the odd memory. “It took a while.”

I don’t say anything, seeing Jamie on top of me and how he would come, his neck stretched out, his fingers digging into my hips, my whole body aching as if from a spell which shatters. I could ask what she wanted to know.

“Anyway, he cheated on me. All I know it was a woman.” I say from the kitchen and I come back with a mug. Then something goes in Stephanie’s head. She turns to look at Lana. Lana just looks confused.

“It was a lot of years ago?” Stephanie asks.

“Yeah.” I say.

“Hince? Jamie Hince?” She asks and I feel a knife in my throat and I can see his stubble running through my head, him pulling me down and resolving all the love.


Stephanie just sits in silence, drinking her coffee, Lana starts laughing, she has nothing to fear, it was back when all women were closeted and thought being a lesbian was a sin and me and Jamie were out, scared of holding hands in public, back when we had been in our twenties. She dated her when she was a teenager. Stephanie would have never known.

Lana has nothing to fear. Jamie told me that the girl broke it off once she found out he was in love with another man and cheating.

Jamie told me it was back when spring just came and I had been walking, eating a 99 and for once I had a rainbow badge on my sling bag. He told me that’s when he realized if I have the guts for once, he would. He couldn’t explain how falling in love was like again, instead he just kept banging on the door.

And I lied for the first time.

“I NEVER LOVED YOU.” And he had shot himself on my doorstep. I lied.

I just didn’t love him then, the coward who couldn’t bring himself to fuck a man and fucked a woman instead. So the blood was mixed which was running. I had read the letters and I had known that they were poisoned.

But I had always loved Jamie Hince when I walked through narcissuses in the spring.


Been a while since I've written one shots which I want to be one shots. I hope you really enjoyed it and if it isn't obvious Stephanie is Lady Gaga really xD Yes, I'm a Little Monster :D I just prefered using Stephanie here and yeah:)

I got sad when I finished it and yeah :(

I loved it and I hope you loved it as well

Thank you



Friday, 19 April 2013


Sometimes I wish I would just find God and I would know what would happen to me instead of holding my eyes closed not knowing how deep the pool is before I hit the floor.

Sometimes I wish I would find Jesus rather than have him in the back of my guitar, sometimes I wish I would dive into the crowd and be yanked out by him, I don’t care how he will look as long as he does.

Sometimes I wish I were a church. I had periods of times when I would drop religion, sometimes I wished I would go back and it’s weird to be sitting on a pew, I raise my hands, just to touch the church sky and once I’m out with my mouth open rain starts to pour. Supposedly it’s a good sign, so I let it wash away my sins, even if I know that I don’t have any, besides passing cigarettes to younger children in a party, back when you don’t afford weed yet and it had been someone’s younger brother.

I stop and sit on a bench, knowing that all the light will come and it does, I wish it would dry away the pain, the melancholy of knowing that all will be ok. So then he just sits besides me, legs crossed and he doesn’t really look like Jesus, he just lights a cigarette and it does burn under the rain, his face covered in foundation.

It burns and it soaks under the water, like a small miracle with blood and wine. I pull his chin and we engage in a kiss, opening mouths, I can feel his drawn flesh printing against my face.

If we could rob, we would, just under the rain, again, it’s a country which has four seasons. I can see us holding guns, gritting teeth, riding.


Sorry that it took a while, but HERE IT IS :D I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request:3


Wednesday, 17 April 2013


While you're waiting for amazing stories (please, c'mon, I have to say that XD)

I take photos.

Not just any photos, but with dolls. See me tear magazines, write random stuff, make them fuck oh and those random photos of my face. So yeah, GO SEE MY FACE.

No, not really, that would be creepy XD Anyway, go check it out, it is updated, follow it so I know that you love me :3

And now you can see me on the street and say Tiki Tiki Buga. I'll reply, I promise.

My photos are as weird as my writing, trust me.

Please leave comments and what you think.

Thank you :3



Sunday, 14 April 2013

Paper Guns 2

“What the fuck did Tegan and Sara do for us?” Jansen mutters with a cigarette muffling her voice as she blows out the smoke, watching it dissolve in her eyes as he hastily gets another drag. “It’s just like Zooey Deschanel, puts you off, like fucking brazilians muttering love yous in porn and you fucking think they’re saying that if the fucker doesn’t fuck them right they’ll shoot their fanny off.”

I just take my own cigarette.

She seems too anxious about the date or maybe because I’m meeting Pixie for the first time and

We both do smoke rings and Jansen raises her eyebrow at me as they clash.

“Try not to tell her how we fucked, please.” Jansen starts messing with the pillows on the couch.

I ruffle my hair, newly dyed green over bleach. Seems to smile at me in the morning unless I’ve got a hangover and I want to puke even on the stripe bedcovers on obviously my bed.

“Why not? That other girl.” I inhale and end up blowing smoke near her ass, her face and the other side of her body is busy with the pillows. “Naomi enjoyed it, fucking left, man.”

And I laugh like a horse.

And now I have no one to fucking tell me I should be more feminine, I mean I don’t go around pissing on walls whilst being drunk and then just waving at random passengers, something I had to do with a friend of mine and I just said nothing, drinking more from the alcohol bottle we’d snug out from a party.

I think I had told him I was a lesbian and he had asked me if I had fucked Jansen.

I asked him if I had to.

He just shrugged.

I think he was gay or bi, ended up moving to America, maybe San Francisco, should be fun, more gay bookstores anyway. I remember that we both had red converse. Knowing that we wore them each day until they fucking ripped, to make sure we’d embarrass the other. Good knowing that a guy doesn’t want to fuck you.

“Look, I told her we fucked, chill, man.” And she holds her hands up. I do feel like a parent and I hold the cigarette with my teeth trying to look fierce. In the end the bell rings and I hear Jansen clicking on her heels to the door, it’s in my mind really, since we’ve got carpets.

“Use protection, I don’t want you pregnant.” I scream and run after her. I wish I were a bit more skinny like Jansen. I end up clinging on her arm, grinning as she opens the door.

It’s not a cliffhanger.


Here :D and I'm off to finnish off the weird stomach bug xD Feel free to request :3


Paper Guns 3

Friday, 12 April 2013

What's wrong?

I don’t know how to make friends anymore.

In kindergarden seemed to be simple, yet I clung around one girl and that was really it. So, no, I don’t know how to make friends, my room was my friend with the posters and my own reflection where I would see how chubby I’d get.

I still wouldn’t get friends even now when I work at the toy store. When we close, I stay in it, eating salad and wishing the toys would come to life, avoid me and I would play with their hairs, dance while listening to Roxy Music for instance.

I was brushing the red hair of the doll and he walked past. I haven’t really been interested in men ever since I popped a bubble in my ex’s face. I had a few women and it didn’t matter men or woman. You’re attractive, you’re attractive, I’ll have you in hearts in my head.

“Alison?” I push the doll deeper to make them all fit. I wave back and head towards the car section, taking from a colleague, my necklace jingling with all the weird Barbie faces I have there.

People buy cars, ponies, everything I even see adults some times.

Daniel applied for the job, but he didn’t start in a few months but he would go to the doll section. He’d take two.

I just hoped he didn’t keep them boxed and redressed them for each season.

“One for me and one for my niece.” He found the need to say and I just shrugged, taking out a Lagoona doll from behind two Draculauras. “Wave two. Take it while you can.”

“Thank you.” And that’s all we had until I dyed my hair pink, watching the pink change colour to my towels and my entire bedsheets as I played with my insomnia.

I just redressed my dolls before going to work, putting too much hairspray making me look like I was a falling star, too much everywhere.

One of the few sentences me and Daniel exchanged was him saying “I’ve got a suicide note for every day of the week, so every time I look at my knife, I think what day is it, to bring myself back” and he smiled, making me think as we shared a cigarette, saving money.


I've been pretty down the past few days so yeah, sorry about the wait and thank you, I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request:D I'm feeling better now, finally, I really am:)

I'll have my birthday in a week, odd XD

Thank you


Feel free to request:D

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Always Golden

I just wish I could operate with a cigarette in my mouth, as I press the brain lightly to get a reaction. And in less than an hour I’m done.

I get called out by the nurse to see my father.

I walked out in bloody gloves just to give him a small fright and we walk into my cabinet. I’ve got a break, I can do what I want.

“Yes, dad?” I raise my eyes and I realize how much I need a fag. I start taking off the bloody gloves as he just stares at me and I don’t raise my eyes.

“She’s dating, Brian, she’s fourteen. I mean, she’s my little girl, I don’t want anything to happen to her.” I choke.

“What the fuck? Dad you sound like a fucking pedophile.” I cut him off, I motion two fingers to my mouth, hinting that I want a smoke. I’m not interested in listening about my younger sister and he knows that. Dad just shows me the cigarette box and I grab a white bic lighter, another reason to freak out my dad, as I am left handed. Shame, I play drums not guitar. We both head out and I wave to another doctor, looking past all the patients who run around the infirmary.

I had a dream last night where I just had to look at someone and I could give them oral. Mmm. Man or woman, doesn’t really matter, this is where I am pansexual and I’ve came out and gone to pride with someone’s blood on my shirt when I was a teenager, when we were dissecting something, but people go to pride with animals, so I went with blood my patients would later give me.

“What is it?” I exhale and my dad sits on the bench, shame we don’t have wooden benches, all the memoir we have is literally paintings and posters of good doctors and patients, I’m guessing.

“I’m telling you, my little girl is dating.” He says again.

“For the love of fuck, just cut it off. I dated when I was twelve-”

“Steven.” Dad interrupts me as well, we’re as impatient yet we stand each other with our family circle being awfully small.

“So? You didn’t go around, oh my God, my poor little boy is getting fucked in the ass, did you?” I say inhaling deeply, rolling my eyes behind my eyelids, tension flowing away and my mind becoming a light haze. “Hey, little girls, little boys, all sounds like you’re a pedo.”

I’m being harsh, but I never got the protectiveness I would have gotten as a woman instead I got footballs in my mouth and broken teeth to be fixed later by a dentist in a few weeks time, waiting list. If I were a woman I’d be taken somewhere else, I always thought being a girl would be better, but the thing is, I don’t have to become a woman to be sensitive. I’ve gone in dresses and thought of dysphoria, but in the end I just became a man, more manly, actually managing a game of football and I love men as much as I love women. I had to linger between bisexuality and pansexuality until I realized that I don’t care what you have, I don’t care if you’ll fuck me with silicone, as long as our sex isn’t simply you fucking me or me fucking you monotonically until you cheat on me, I don’t care.

I like sex toys, I like dildos, vibrators, clothing, I even do doctor and doctor but my previous partner shrieked when I’d dress up as a doctor and she never visited me at work. She lied to me about being ok and was straight. Sometimes I hate women more than I hate straight men, who get grossed out as I speak of anal sex and double sided dildos with men.

Sometimes I even hate my own father for being so heterosexual, but he accepts me, so we finnish our cigarettes, agree to go to the arcade and cinema later, no matter what movie, I guess the moment matters.


The idea came to me as Callie mentioned something random, like joke with Brian and a doctor, I don't even recall the conversation, besides me saying "I'LL MAKE BRIAN A DOCTOR". And I've been really irritated at the whole "my little girl will not be touched", it's gross, so it went in play here. I love Brian and in my head Battle For The Sun never happened:) I'm an old Placebo fan and yeah:D

I really like pansexuality, not being pansexual myself so I've been toying with having a character like that and I know, this is AU so Brian has a different sexuality and doesn't play guitar.

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did:D Hopefully I'll write one request a day now, yay! ^___^

Request and thank you


Sunday, 7 April 2013


Sexuality came to me in a dream.

Men came to me in a dream.

You remember what you want to remember from dreams and I remembered how I had flings from men I’ve seen on television holding cigarettes and inhaling in suits, black and white and in colour as they would laugh and they would lure me in.

I wouldn’t imagine sex until I’ve heard of it.

I was shy at first as the dreams had aroused me and came with my puberty and my wet bed as I had shivered and just ran out on the front porch, my pajamas wet and I’d go in the bushes looking for a spare pack of cigarettes from my sibling and I’d sit on the wet grass, rocking the smoke back and forth as it would remind me of sperm flowing from my mouth,

yep, I knew I was gay.

And then you start realizing along with the rest of the class like a fire bell, that being gay is not only illegal but gross and everyone starts getting called gay and a faggot and I close my ears on the talk, even when I’m in a vinyl store and in labs where I keep mixing chemicals and boys discuss what presumably gay men do and I wish they would talk as if we also drain blood.

Cigarettes and the morning become too luring as everyone sleeps and I can see who sleeps and who has sex at this time of the day.

I started seeing the postman wake up with me and he’d hurl the newspaper at me.

Presumably you know who is gay and who is not.

I know now, draining some whiskey from my flask and when I am in a bar, laughing and I just walk around with the lights and everything is so illegal that you for a brief second with kisses think that maybe all this drunken talk might be true and once we weren’t illegal makes me ponder.

A heartbreak is in the mind, surely, it is the mind that cries, the heart just keeps beating as you fall further in the bed, the brain slowly becoming paralyzed with the thoughts.

My sexuality makes me wonder, what would be wrong with homosexuality if priests do not have wives, why not have husbands? Why not have sex when God had created it, make God see? I wrap myself harder in the bed covers seeing all the torn posters from my early teens lasting until life spits me out, just like it had now. I have a girlfriend, sorta, we don’t have sex, usually I watch her blonde hair glitter as she smokes a joint.

I stand up, knowing that both parents are outside, lost and I head downstairs in the lab. I grab the first red pen, doing some additional things, just like Kate had told me, she was bad in chemistry but she noticed what was wrong.

I raid the cupboards and find the stashed fungus.

I walk out of the garage, lighting a cigarette, pleased with my self as my jeans seem too torn, but I wave to the postman anyway, laughing, knowing, that I had managed to even start a second batch.


I actually wrote a bit of this back in October, but kept it for the Jamie Hince request:) I wrote a bit more and here it is:D I hope you enjoyed it and there's a lot coming more, so feel free to request:3


Saturday, 6 April 2013

Hill 2

Heathrow comes too early and I take out a sketchbook, bags already gone and children run around in circles, Harrods has overpriced toys and people eat too much chocolate.

I won’t have a Love, actually moment. I even had a Notting Hill moment, all these movies come from watching movies with girls I’ll never be interested in as their hands run through my shoulders and I just men, I want stubble, I want armpits.

In the end I go into the plane, without food, knowing I’ll be given a TV dinner with awful movies, pop music and random games to choose from. I only get female flight attendants so I do not get a male one, to kiss me when no one is watching and slide his hand into my zipper.

I gasp, realizing I had fallen asleep, my eyes running and I rub my sleeve against my face furiously and I go back to the bathroom again.


I start wanking, standing, not knowing where to ejeculate, but I don’t stop, we’ve taken off and the food should be soon. I come to the thought of food. I just walk out, coming back to wash my hands, wash my face, wash behind my ears, wash my neck before I got too much shite food and fish instead of meat which manages to stink up the whole fucking salon.


Feel free to request:3