With all the recent events, I see no point in immersing into more heteronormative art or culture. Everyone is a piece of shit and I have all reasons.
Cavanaugh fired me for being gay.
My mind is all blank, I keep rubbing all the mascara all over my face, wondering why don’t I buy the waterproof and I always thought that it would be due to someone dying tragically, but then it’s my own death.
I get asked if I saw (insert straight movie director here) and I say no. I don’t care, I don’t want to see myself treated like shit on screen.
I make myself some tea with shaking hands and Bass is finally eating. I didn’t even bother to try and make him eat. Words don’t even go in and all the homophobia crashes on me and everyone saying that I won’t find a job.
Maybe I should’ve gone into work, wearing a I’m GAY shirt, maybe then I would be known as gay Maura rather than Maura who made a move on Jane and the boss caught it.
I start eating an apple.
Straight women are even worse than straight men. I start crying again, dropping the apple and nearly tripping on the heels I didn’t even bother to take off.
Maybe I shouldn’t have ever hidden my sexuality, the only woman who has ever touched me has been myself, people labeling me straight even if I am never on one photo of a man.
Maybe I should’ve always been known as gay Maura, back in high school, joined a LGBT or gay straight alliance or whatever, made myself known, rather than people asking themselves how can a woman they know be mentally ill?
Or maybe it’s just society’s fault for never accepting anyone who comes out.
I never threw my tablet away reading a comment, from a LGBT individual that we don’t need LGBT characters in television.
I feel insignificant, I feel like a little piece of shit, like I am intended to be and I feel disgusting and the only way for me to be forgiven is to let a man do things to me which he would never want for himself and that is not love, women become punchbags.
I lie on the floor, Bass is eating and I hear the crunches and I wish I would die, yet be revived, I wish
To be back and be gay within a gay world.
I wake up.
I feel myself on a bed, I stretch my arm and my bed is huge and Bass is on it, hiding and I trace my hand on his shell, feeling him hiding and that makes me smile. Little things still make me smile, they make me want to live.
So I sit up and I feel...lighter.
Maybe Paddy’s bizarre people got me to bed, wouldn’t be a first anyway.
And I keep my eyes closed not to see myself jobless and thinking if I should move somewhere LGBT accepting and I’ve already sent applications, angrily thinking if I should start off with Maura is a lesbian.
Well, I’m a gold star lesbian, which is bizarre, but I am.
And I open my eyes and I’m sure I still am.
I close my mouth with my hands. I do feel smaller and I start literally bawling and my mom walks in. Constance is much younger and
I see another woman with her, who I don’t know.
I actually wrote this yesterday, but I kind of wanted to close it off here, even if she hasn't technically gone to High School yet. All is ahead with Jane :O
The idea came from the fact that I am distressed by my own situation and I was thinking what if high school was accepting and I was tired from reading LGBT novels with homophobia there, I wanted something literally about two people in love and with no discrimination really and the idea of a alternate accepting even where gay is more normal than straight came across. Obviously I won't have "straightphobia" (XD) but I wanted gay to be normal. There was this video all over the internet where they reversed gay and straight. It made my partner mad, why is this the way we have to get it across? Why can't there be a movie which shows how cruel homophobia is instead of showing how the poor poor straights would be treated? But that's not the point, go judge me, but I looked at it, jealous, wishing gay was the normal and I was envious. That was or is which is inspiring this, but there will be no discrimination.
So I get a distressed as much as I am Maura and stick here in this ideal world. What will happen, well that's when you request really
Please feel free to request for the next chapter - with Jane :D