Wednesday, 25 June 2014

let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 2

The canteen always goes a bit quiet when we walk in and it’s not just the sound of our heels or how I’ll ask Jamie how the fuck did he get those heels, to which he’ll grin and tell me where and I’ll just wonder how his parents close his eyes on this, but then to those who think we are straight, they think we’re in a weird relationship where we actually do stare at the glow in the dark stars in Jamie’s room. I feel like everyone feels like we should be doing some mating ritual as we are always pushed together by our parents, like some hidden acceptance for queer people from both sides. 

And I watch him as he eats. We no longer scan the cafeteria, as we wait for new pray, it’s far too much into the year and Jamie sometimes shows up saying how he had seen someone attractive in the corridor, tagging along with them for a while until they had raised their hands and said ‘no homo’. 

But Jamie still gets a valentine, which falls out of his locker and I can only imagine two reactions, one being him excited and holding it in front of my face and the other pretty much which is what happens, Jamie slowly picking it up, muttering that Valentine’s Day is pretty much a few weeks away and he rips it open, as we walk to the canteen again, someone muttering that it’s a prank and Jamie just flips them off as I watch his green eyes scan the content.

He smirks and gets it right before my eyes. 

“Mosshart, I got a Valentine. Told you there’s more queer men here.” 

“Yeah, well, maybe they just got desperate. The women are just too busy scissoring.” I smirk and I don’t get to read the content and I just ask if it’s a sex joke inside and Jamie pats my head, saying that I’m jealous. I take his hand and bite it, as he still stares blissfully at the card. Apparently we won’t be watching two movies, one lesbian and one gay, nagging, both of us sitting on the floor and that just sounds weird and I shrug to myself, as Jamie starts humming. 


This is a very odd story which I didn't even want to continue, as I had dropped the idea, but Callie always nagged to me how much she liked the gay Alison and Jamie story and the other day I was just musing and I ended up writing it. I guess, I'll just keep quiet, but yeah, I just think that regardless of sexuality you can fall in love with someone who doesn't fit into it and that's cool, because by the end of the day it's just people and yeah, I just wanted to expand on that :)

I quite enjoy the old short format which I've written in before, so yeah, I'm back to it and I'm pretty much reviving all old stories xD I'm nearly done with the next chapter as well.

I like Vday and yeah, it also has the whole Kills day and all:3 

Please please tell me if you like them, as I'm quite anxious if anyone liked them so yeah:3



let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 3

Sunday, 22 June 2014

Gandalf's Inhaler 16

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I decide to grasp all my courage and unravel it, releasing it from my palms as Matt just spins around in his chair, very confused and looks at me a bit, before closing his eyes and exhaling, some shard of piece stuck in his hair before it falls, but he still had managed to cut off some off his worries out. 

The clocks seems to be ticking and I slowly start recalling, my whole body slowly shaking as I recall the first time my Biology teacher had called me a faggot and I just thought I misheard something, as he’d keep organizing the papers together, as I left the classroom only to see my pale reflection in the bathroom, putting my backpack down and checking my eyeliner-

“...I dunno.” Is all Matt can say, even if he’s grinning, slowly hoping that it’s not just an illusion. My mind is far too conflicted, as I wonder, how I kept feeling that I seemed to be the target at all times, due to my sexuality and I had to admit that maybe I had been too vocal about gay rights, ranting at each teacher to watch their mouth and now I just would remain silent, the teachers more moderate, but still too many things would cross my mind, fear and my own fingers trembling as if I were applying eyeliner for the last time. 

I really thought Matt was straight. I glanced at him. We never had anything, really and I’m happy for it to be left as such, as I would glance up when I was growing up, ruffling through all the boys I had known.

Cheating still seems non-existent as I watch him and it feels like I’m a child again, as I had discovered the texts from other women in my dad’s phone by simply trying to fish out an old text message from grandparents which mom had asked for, the widen eyes, that something as unusual as cheating would happen, when even homosexuality seems obscure because it’s just something which I’m not even aware of. Divorce sounds something heartbroken homes have and that it would never seem to grace our house where prayer is no longer used, yet it seems to fling itself upon us and I felt like a broken mirror as some arguments were thrown after finalization of the decision, where would Miles be and it had been decided as I had moved out with Matt and he had always been by my side, besides when I had pushed him off,

is that when he met Julian?

How could you cheat on someone who you loved?

I kept looking at him and I knew my gaze was piercing, I wasn’t siding with him or feather boy. 

I wonder how many things do I not know. I don’t know how his first kiss tasted, how many thoughts had raced through his head and I wonder if I’m the only one with the struggle of coming out, as Julian seems to be a mere other partner, his gender not relevant, both cheaters. 

Do I treat Julian as another lover and I observe Matt’s eyes confused and filled with hope, yet hollow when it comes to morale apparently. He spins again and I just go back to my homework, wondering how long will he continue staring at me. 

“...You-” I pause. My bottom lip is shaking. I have to find the strength, it is none of my business and Matt is my only friend. “...How-”

I don’t. 

I drop the topic as I start scribbling notes furiously in, my shoulders shaking, some mere realizing of some long lost PTSD within me. Matt just comes over and hug me as I wonder how many times had he jerked off to the Arctic Monkey. 

Days pass and me and Matt don’t touch the subject and I just get a letter back, saying how my views on sexuality are some obscure feminist bullshit and I don’t even know where to even stick myself, as I’ve given it to Alex, but I’ve managed to untangle myself from him and I just headed outside, being it rather late in the night, as I had started smoking the cigarette, that’s the thing it always happens like a gun shot and I don’t even see the connection as I keep smoking or rather observing the lit cigarette as I can’t even cry, I just keep blowing on my cold fingers, awaiting some disastrous Christmas where I am also seen as some obscure feminist bullshit and it just happens to shake my soul deep down as I keep wondering

that’s the thing

I keep wondering, shooing both Alex and Matt and Breana and Julian, everyone as my entire being is torn down and shoved away. 

I end up smoking, checking the lovely letter as they openly tell me to fuck off and I am left with the fake grades even if besides them the real score is shown and I don’t even know where to go with the letter, as I keep smoking, it’s not even cold anymore because I’ve been out so long and smoking cigarette after cigarette, time and days becoming so obscure that I only recall my yelling at Matt, that The Arctic Monkey’s new video is wank and he told me, of course, Nick is gay, therefore he doesn’t care about women and I ended up arguing that it doesn’t mean he’s a douchebag to Breana and other females, whilst Matt is. 

I just recalled my anger throughout the whole thing as I stopped visiting Alex, as he would slowly start joining me while I’d smoke in the night, his own words muted out, as I couldn’t seem to be in the room with anyone, wondering what the fuck would even happen to my life as the only reason I wasn’t getting anywhere was on the sole fact that I was gay.

I had wondered about cutting myself and suicide, but there is that point in life when those things stop mattering, you can’t inflict more pain upon yourself than life. 

I had still gone to Alex, wondering how long would it take for Ezra to show up with his ugly Babar jacket and I had started styling my hair, wondering if I should cut it off, if I should stop bothering with my entire existence and I wondered how long would it last for my empathy to collapse and go Florence Rey style on the streets. 

On the end of the lesson, I still took my time packing and Alex dropped a few books on my desk. 

“I want a lab report.” The thud still echoes around me, as I look at all the lab reporting books and I can’t even focus.

“Excuse me?” I blink. “I handed mine in...”

We’re alone.

“I really did.”

“I know. Do another one. Get your mind off it.” Alex sighs and I just see concern on his face and I didn’t even notice how much longer his hair got, if he keeps it for another few months he’ll reach the haircut he had with The Arctic Monkey. I just shrug. I start packing the new books, feeling oblivious to the assignment. “Miles.”

I raise my eyes.

“...You’ll be fine. I’m keeping an eye on your grades, you’ll get it, ok?”

“Yeah, well, maybe I’ll fuck up the test.”

“But you never did.” It’s like a slap across the face, a drop of water and I just nod, my shoulders begin to shake. I grip my fist, nails digging into my palm as I begin crying and Alex just wraps himself around me, kissing the top of my head, soothing as I don’t even feel myself crying, I just feel myself crumbling and I can’t even recall what’s going on,

when you collapse, you don’t feel yourself falling. 

“Matt is cheating on Breana, sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” I say, feeling a bit guilty at the change of topic, but he’s right, I guess. I shouldn’t think of it. Alex blinks, but surprise gets him. 

I try to recall everything Matt had told me in order to tell Alex, as he just glances at the door to make sure that no one is heading in and he quickly locks the door, fiddling with the buttons of his lab coat, worried and at the same time curiously excited about any piece of gossip and I presume a more calm Miles. I feel anxious, speaking of it but it so happens that Matt had shared this and I would share this with Al. I just scratch my head, trying to get it out of my head, the anxiety, I mean. 

I still recall him, spinning in the chair, as I start telling Alex. 

“We met at an Arctic Monkey concert. Well, he said he prefers My Last Shadow Puppet coz it’s an openly gay band, I mean, we don’t get to see them make out, but everyone knows they’re engaged and all, but yeah, he said he prefers them and then we pretty much started talking-”

“Wait, how long ago was this?” I had interrupted Matt as I tell Alex who has wide eyes and a smirk on his face.

“Soon to be a year ago... You were busy.” I tried to get rid of the college memories and focus on the bizarre crackers I had bought that Christmas and then back to Matt. Alex snorts, conflicted about Breana like everyone sane is. No one wants to pull the blanket away from her. 

“But it’s not like... it just dawned on me or my love for Breana faded. It was just something else.” He shrugged. “I ended up being attracted to two people, really. It’s not like Breana didn’t like The Arctic Monkey as much as I did, it was just... different.”

“You met Julian, he’s quite insane, really and he’s really fun, oddly curious about random things and he always ends up everywhere with his blind trust, dunno, it’s a different kind of fun.” He just motions and smiles, recalling Julian and then it was my turn to spin, as I would look at the ceiling feeling odd that for once the walls above Matt weren’t covered in stars and I wondered. Should I judge? He was still cheating on Breana.

“Well... I think all is good, as long as he tells Breana.” Alex muses out loud, rocking on his heels. I tap my fingers against the desk, just for my own annoyance.

“That’s the problem, he doesn’t want to because he doesn’t want to lose her.” I say, wondering at what stake do we keep our love, even if it has to lose its purity. 

So then what is it that makes us collapse? That night both me and Alex chain smoke, as Alex joins me and the Christmas holidays are far too near with the breeze, as I wonder far too much, as I am too sleepy to mix the cold stroking my hair with Alex’s numb fingers, as he just watches me slowly dissolve and pick myself together, because even if someone grabs you and shakes your shoulders,

the thing is

you’re the one who enters and immerses in depression and you’re the one, who yanks themselves out

because as hard as it is, life is unfair and fucking ugly,

and I got abused

but the thing is I can still smoke and know my lover’s hair far too well. 

And when you wish the ending credits would roll, another day comes, because the dice keep rolling, rigged far too many times, as I just wonder watching Matt still sleeping for a later class and I know it’s his choice, but I shake his shoulder, saying that I will meet Julian with him on the weekend, because no matter if you agree with the choice or not, there are some people which you love, even with their stupidity

the only thing which haunts me is that perhaps, the abusers, they have it too,

but then I don’t think people mixed on a spoon with hate get that,

because they need some hate to get from in the first place.

“I’ll meet Julian properly.” I say louder, waking him from his dream just to see a smile. This reminds me when I had first met my parents’ partners after struggling and it is.

I smoke with Alex on the break, watching Ezra and the rest walk past, quickly glancing at us, as we’d discuss the lab report and if we were both school boys we’d flip at everyone, but we think we’ve grown and maybe that’s great, when you don’t have hate on your shoulders, just for those who you truly despite, those who had made you trip and regret love. 


And I'm sorry for the wait, as emotionally this is the hardest story for me to write and I think I'm in a nicer place, because it's hard and well sometimes you have to move on even for a while, even for yourself, because frankly it depresses me to the core that no one really cares that LGBT people get discriminated, that even the community itself is blind and that education can just be fucking unfair just because of who you are and where you are from. So yeah. But we just have to go on and we do and fight as well, because frankly every fucking day is a fucking fight due to ignorant people and people who claim that they care and sit with their hands crossed, because by doing nothing, by never speaking up, that harms everyone

Anyway, I ended up with 1.9 k and I saw that it was too short and I kept writing and I honestly hope it's good, because I'm really anxious and it seems that my anxious chapters are the most loved, so I hope this one will be one of those as well xD and yeah, there's more to come of course :3

Miles' self at his previous college is pretty much what I had been as I wanted this story to have my personal experience and Alex's comforting self was always pretty much what Callie has and always will be to me, I dunno how me or Miles would've survived without them, so yeah. 

Closer to the ending it dawned on me how the whole Matt/Julian thing reminded me of how it felt when I had found out about my parents and how odd it was, kind of meeting and well, over the years I frankly don't care and I love everyone of them and yeah, but it's really weird in the beginning but in the end it's never your choice and that never really changes your relationship with your parents, so yeah. 

And yeah, pretty much sexuality and identity seemed to be called off as a view and I got called feminist shit on my identity so yeah, I've been using that in Blue/Jacket as well xD 

I just think, we should all even whilst fighting, try to get our minds off it and yeah, I just want both me and Miles to be in the same calmer place for now, so yeah 

I hope you enjoyed it and yeah :D please tell me if you want the next chapter so I can start writing it :3 

(I'm really holding from adding Jamie as a character xD because I don't need new characters and I've been sticking him everywhere xD haha if someone wants me to, just tell me and I will, honestly XD)



Saturday, 21 June 2014

Broken Black Varnish Requiem 5

It’s more of the curiosity which seems to get to me as the days get longer and hotter as Alex would just sit on the grass, lying down and wondering as the weekends would stroll, giving us the daily weekdays ahead which were also slowly drifting into melancholy.
Heading back to work seemed like a weird choice, it didn’t mean that I would get asked what happened that I came back with no baby, depression and all the paperwork still done and it seemed odd that we’d still have to choose a baby, which seemed absurd rather than someone giving us that child.
Jack also had a job, yet he seemed awfully single for all of us and he’d show up every weekend with his children and I would never talk to them besides asking how was school and they would slowly wrap it up out of politeness and desire to be with their father and Jack would just smile apologetically. I didn’t see the girl again, I’m guessing separation was now from everyone for him.
It wasn’t attraction, it was mere curiosity as he seemed to be over the fence and I had no idea about anything and Alex would get jealous whenever I would mention him and after the last stupid attempt at the birth test, I was about to knock on his door, when I got called out from behind.
"Oi, Alison." I turn to see Jamie, whose only concern in life is cruising in my sarcastic eyes and I just sigh, patting him on the back as we hug. He slowly gestures towards my door, a bit confused, but I knock him down with my own questions even if no curiosity is attached, life is a bit too stale. 
"Who now. Who broke up with who." I mutter, pushing my hair back, pulling him in a hug, feeling his warmth and I realize how much I am aware of how he feels in a hug and it’s a bit awkward that I think that and it makes me think when we were smoking in university, flirting with ourselves until nothing happened and we both went on to other boyfriends. 
"Just checking on you and Al." I roll my eyes and nod. It’s more than obvious. You’re never friends with anyone anyway unless you wanted to fuck each other and it lasts until someone gets bored. Me and Jamie have are off moments like a bad relationship anyway. 
"Alex’s not home." I pull away from the hug, checking out his now darker brown hair and I wonder how many people is he still trying to fool that all sixty three shades he’s ever done are all just different tints and light on his hair. 
"I keep forgetting that some people have nine to five jobs." I blink at him, as he says it and I narrow my eyes, getting the keys again out of my jeans pocket. 
"James, you have a nine to five job." I feel as if I have to state the obvious. 
"What day is it today?" The moron is an oblivious moron. 
"Shit." He doesn’t pale up, he just looks for his iPhone, which has some weird cover which he had pretty much taped random shit upon it and thought it looked cool and trendy and he had given me one for Christmas, which seemed awful and I ended it using at as well and Alex got his own as well. 

"Wait, I got fired last week." I just stare at him, as he shrugs. He’s stating the obvious again. I just twirl my finger next to my temple and he just hugs me again, as we walk inside the house and I quickly glance at Jack’s again. 


And after two years, it's back XD ok, sorry that it embarrassing that it took me ages, but no one was giving me requests and now that I have more freedom I've started picking up different old stories, dunno, I missed them all and I love them, so yeah. The thought was really random while me and Callie were outside, that I wanted a Jamie and Alison as neighbors and then I was like, oi, to myself, stop dreaming around and finish the one where Alison and Jack are neighbors xD so I just started writing and pretty much this whole chapter was sketched up on the phone. I don't really edit things unless I write on the phone, then I just edit them on the computer so yeah :3

And the chapters are awfully short so I ended up writing up to chapter 8 xD so expect the other chapters in the next few days up:3 

and yeah, I've been trying to keep Jamie away from Gandalf's Inhaler and whatnot, because he's a character in everything lately xD and he seemed fitting as Alison's best friend and I guess I wanted them just as best friends here, so yeah :3 

and it's weird to give everyone jobs which are not music related, so I'm stuck thinking about that XD

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved picking it back again, so please feel free to ask me about any stories new or old and I'll update them:) or at least put them in the queue :3

Please tell me if you enjoyed it:)


Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Blue/Jacket 4

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only crazy one, without friends, drawing until dawn, music in my ears, no longer wanting friends but a partner, the dreams shutting me off, as he keeps coming back and coincidence even stops being what it is.

It’s weird to see how two people shatter, even if they had admitted to date each other or rather Jamie throwing out like an already discarded cigarette. I wonder what the hell had gone through them, as they seem to be fighting on knives, but somehow their mood not controlling their bizarre actions and I wonder how many times have they laid next to each other, both of them smoking a cigarette instead of sharing, not even a stance anymore, but the relationship so distant from love yet at an intimate stop where the question is just thrown in the air, like a ball
just to fall like a moon
why aren’t we dating. 
I glance at Jack.

He just smiles at me, I blink as I picked his name up from Jamie’s talk, as he had asked him if he had stalked up and Jamie seemed to ponder who to stay with, who to award with his presence. Alex muttered that he should’ve done shopping, causing Jamie to glance hopefully and Alex just shrugged, saying that he’s ok, that Jamie and Jack can be together for tonight. The ex boyfriend didn’t glance at me, as we all kept walking as they asked about me, thankfully no questions asked, when all my life I had to be friends with females, feeling uncomfortable with men who presumed me to be a straight cis female. Thing is until you realize your gender identity, your sexuality is a reason as well, because you don’t feel the attraction your assigned gender should feel, you don’t feel like your assigned gender, it’s the pondering at a mirror, making faces, leaning against the sink, wondering how would the body look without breasts, combing the hair back, touching foam, spreading it on the face and wishing there was something to shave.

I still feel Jamie’s stare on me, I feel intimidated as I feel him check out my chest, my coat thankfully covering quite below my hips and I feel intimidated, I just keep glancing back at him, never even having the urge to glance back. 

Eventually, we all reach our destination, as I can’t help but glance one last time at Jamie, as he says bye to Al, moving his arms around before he pulls him in and I see Alex put his head briefly against Jamie’s shoulder. 

It’s not even jealousy,

what do I even have with him?

I just happen to be speaking English as much as they do and I just had a few dreams of the man with the jacket and he doesn’t even paint. Once I get back home, Jamie lingers in my head and I wonder why. He makes me feel far too intimidated. I struggle before pulling my binder off, even if I had decided to shower earlier. 

I head up to the mirror, glancing at myself sideways. 

Nowhere close to my eye, even if it was someone else, I would tell them not to worry, but by the end of the day, it’s not even the society which pressures you, it’s the fact that the body feels foreign, society still clashing in the head, as hormones are nearly always prescribed to trans people, some natural heading in some direction,

but what would it change?

I take off the binder, pulling off the sports bra-

I stare at myself. I clench my jaw and put it back on-

I hear a knock on the door. 

I put back everything on and grab a hoodie, zipping it, jumping through yesterday’s bought art supplies as I open the door to see Jamie, now his hair combed and I just stare at him. He quickly glances at Alex’s door. 

“May I smoke?” He asks and in the middle of my nod, he just steps in, cigarette already lit and he inhales, politely still stepping on the rug, biting his bottom lip-

He’s surely fucked Alex. 

I feel a ping in my hip, as I hug myself around the chest and Jamie just notices it. He smirks and lets himself think for a while. I myself slowly start sweating and shivering at the same time, the other man just blinks and offers me a cigarette. 

I wonder about his raising and his stance on transmen. 

“How do you know Alex?” He asks a bit too bitterly, digging his nails into the end of the cigarette. I notice his longer nails, yet they seem to be very well kept. 

I blink.

“I met him.” 

“Go on.” 

“ICA?” I swallow. He doesn’t believe me. 

“How long have you been living here?”

“About a month. Two.” His eyes glitter and I can see that he wants to ask why did I move, but he just glances at my chest again and I just tighten my hands around it, shivering, realizing that wherever I go regardless of how tight my binder will be, things will slip through people’s minds. Jamie takes one last inhale. 

“You know Sodermalm?” I nod. “I’ll meet you near the train station tomorrow at ten p.m. Let’s get some beer.” 

And he buttons his tight fitted coat, which frankly looks good on him. Jamie gives me a small wave and I watch him head up to the spiral stairs as I watch him and then he stops and glances at me, both of us, not blinking and he looks down with a small smile and heads off.

I close my door.

I open the door. 

I consider my own decision and eventually I bang my hand against the door a few times, before slipping back into my shoes and I start walking faster, trying to catch up with him as the cold chilly air seems to be nothing like a scarf

and then I feel a warm presence as I turn around, feeling like I see fire from the corner of my eye and instead, I see nothing

until I realize that Jamie had headed that direction. I walk a bit, choosing the swing instead. I sit there for a while, glancing around, closing my eyes, for some reason I dream of Jamie in the jacket as he feeds himself grapes. 

In the morning I dream of a man with his hair on fire, but he’s not Jamie, hair curled up to be flames. 

But morning dreams don’t mean anything, I think as I turn around. 

I try to sleep and sleep avoid me, as I wonder how Jamie got the jacket or maybe my own dreams are telling me that he knows that I’ve known Alex before, even if it doesn’t seem clear how would he know. But he showed up in the same jacket, as well, as if there is some metaphor behind it and I wonder of it, how long has Alex had it, maybe his father who looks identically like him has it and it was his father, who is a painter, because there are some differences, like why do I dream of Alex as if he were a painter? 

I don’t know how you fall in love, because I’ve been having him in my head for years, already threading future together, because it seemed that he’d be the only one since he came to me in dreams and I don’t know,

you just fall in love with the fate you carry in your suitacase, it’s absurd and it’s there, wondering as much as you are. 

The longing wraps me every day like a cocoon.

But Jamie still shows up in my dream and I see him lying on the train, arms crossed and feet against the window up and he glances at me, eyes big and green curious with all the emotions and cold running through my body as if he were touching me and once he looks away I still feel his touch and my lips cold from the lack of emotion I should be feeling against them. 

And by the morning when I head out for a stroll to keep my head and I wonder how much wild life actually crawls out of the bushes I stumble onto teenagers still in platform shoes, how their hair changes to brighter colours as I head onwards, my jacket unzipped and I thank myself for wearing the binder, nearly abusing the recommendations sometimes as I keep walking, noticing how their bags get lighter and how they are most likely speaking of holidays and that’s when I press my head against the metal pole at the bus stop, closing my eyes, a light shiver running through my body as I still think of Jamie and his piercing eyes, how he has some distrust in me which seems to ride him. 

And I recall the loneliness which washed over me after every morning wank, when I believed that it would set my head straight and it dawned on me how much I had started loving Alex, how I would wish to meet him, feel his jacket under my fingers and just lay in bed with him, waking early and drinking just to sleep again. 

I think it’s powerful to find the energy within me every day to do things, to even look at people whose fate is entirely different from mine, from people who didn’t have to leave everything and who cringe at their own birth name and wonder how would everything wander off and how is it to wake up with oh so many less concerns. 

Being trans in society feels like being on a train and banging your hand against the window to get off it, to get of into nowhere but you can’t be on the train to make you straight and cis and also think of the cuts and broken fingers as you keep pounding, face straight as you keep pounding, the pain devouring and nourishing the freedom which might not come at all, but your deviance remains.

I think it’s a question of self-worth because when you’ve been alone for a while, you start doubting yourself, what if my presence would push Alex away, what if there is just the string of fate holding upon us but upon discovering my face value, it would all be gone? There is also a difference between loneliness and solitude, you can be lonely with people while in solitude, you’re lonely by yourself. 

It had always been an issue of distancing myself, only opening up to art, because there if I wore a binder in front the canvas, it wouldn’t care and I could scribble Miles all over it,

while life, life was different. I close my eyes tighter at the memory as I just exit the underground, eager for something.

I have far too much time to kill on my hand and when that happens that’s when the streets may turn into a blur, making me too anxious and I start doubting myself, I end up getting a milkshake just to feel the liquid go inside me as I walk around Södermalm, a bit confused where would even Jamie take me and I just wonder how much more will the longing continue destroying me, how daft I am for just believing in a dream, a reoccurring dream where we talk and the only thing which doesn’t match is the fact that apparently Alex has never held a brush in his hands and I can’t help but peek in every store, knowing that all belongs to the same clothing group, frowning at some prices and just pondering over others, always hesitating before going to the male section. 

Sometimes I am thankful for changing behind a door, as the binder is revealed with myself. 

And as I walk on, past the gay bar which looks like it crawled out of Amsterdam’s weed cafes I keep walking, hugging myself around the chest as I see some women check me out, most likely those who read that bra week on the lesbian section of autostraddle is something I would do and I just feel uncomfortable as I still see their smirks, most likely thinking that I’m closeted and I just reach the next turn and I pause, closing my eyes, my knees chattering


“This is some obscure feminist shit.” Was spread and told to my face, as I would be sat down, knuckles slammed down, as I see Jack approach me and I keep seeing flashbacks-
I am somehow in his arms, as he asks me-
“Where did you meet Alex?” Jack is warm and I’m somehow crying, my vision black, all memories down to me-
the same said binder pinned to the table with shaking hands and accusing me of being a lesbian, since I wore a binder. I would just sit there as they would yell at me, that my hair wasn’t feminine and why the hell have I not even tried to learn to cook for my husband, that I should be something to be proud of, not something to be frowned upon and what were all these sex toys lying around and how come I had no man.
“Hey, you ok, ” I think that’s Jamie’s voice and I feel myself in the arm of the taller man, as my hands seem to fall from myself-
My own body catches on my confused consciousness, the shakiness, the accusation of being a lesbian whilst not being attracted to any women at all. I’ve taken the Kinsey scale test being solely homosexual. 
When I open my eyes I can see both Jack and Jamie staring at me and for a second Jack’s hair seems lighter, but I just blink that as he smiles at Jamie. I get a cup of coffee shoved in my hands as I am slowly lifted up to see myself on a couch in some coffee shop, which I instantly think is overpriced as my vision shifts lightly and Jamie just yanks the cup against my teeth and I am solely forced to swallow, the drifting of memories still in mind. Jack swallows and quickly glances at Jamie, who just shrugs and I just keep observing them both. 

“Miles...” He pauses. Jack scratches his face. He just shakes his head. My head winces with all it’s might and I moan lightly as I keep watching the two men and I wonder of their age and how much is even all of our age differences. I wonder how much is even Alex, as I keep observing them and Jack just drinks some coffee out of his own mug, Jamie’s drank and he just continues playing with his cigarette box-
I recall more dreaming of escaping as I feel like puking, but instead they keep shifting the cigarette box. Jack looks at Jamie pleadingly and Jamie just ignores it. 
I shift and I feel it, biting my lip and no questions are asked and I wonder how much do they know and Jamie insists on following me to the disabled bathroom, where there is much more space and I just pale up. I nearly lose my balance as he just catches me and he’s far too close and I see his short, spread eyelashes before he glances at me, cold at first and then eases with a sigh.
“Miles, don’t worry. Jack was going to ask...” He pauses. “Y’know if you’re in that part of the month, but held. Look, don’t worry, ok?” 
I feel like fainting as I feel him stroking my back now, as my head is against his shoulder. I feel Jamie tense up lightly. 
“Look, I’m sorry. I... had the thought, but Jack told me, look, don’t worry, ok?” And he holds me until I can stand and then he turns around and gives me some privacy and I roll my eyes at the whole situation and when I sit down, my underwear revealing the nice patch of blood and I just swear, causing Jamie to nearly look back and I just wince, feeling dysphoric and feeling the gap between my legs. I don’t have anything on me.
I didn’t have it last month. 
“Do... do you want Jack to get anything, Miles?” He asks and traces his fingers on the door handle and I just grunt, feeling a really bad cramp. My whole head is spinning. I grunt louder and that’s when Jamie turns and we both redden up and he just closes his eyes. “Shit, sorry, just checking on you, man. Shit, sorry.”
I smile weakly.
“Thanks.” Jamie nods. I take out my notebook out of my pocket and scribble with the pen, artist’s quirks, what I need and I hand it to Jamie. I wait for a while, now with Jamie as Jack knocks on the door again and I am freed at least from blood patches. Now, they buy me cake, which I don’t even refuse and Jamie just softly nags that he wishes he could smoke, if we sat outside, but instead we just sit inside. Jack slowly babbles on what he likes about Stockholm, how it’s filled with everyone and how you don’t feel foreign and how the weather doesn’t kill you. I watch him, as I feel Jamie’s concerned face. Then abruptly Jack stands up.
“Ok, I’ll leave you both on your date, yeah?” He swiftly grabs his coat from the coach besides me, as I still feel everything shift and me and Jamie look at each other. We blink. “Don’t go cheating on me, Jaime.” 

I just am about to ask, but instead Jamie flips at Jack. 

This ended up being a monster XD with nearly 3k in length and I got enormously carried away while writing it yesterday and I think it's quite wrong of me to chop it into smaller bits. 

And I love Jamie in this story and in the whole Blue/Jacket/Start Finding Passion universe, so yeah :3 

And I really love writing this story because I get to pretty much focus on how dysphoria is to me whilst I'm male and I quite like the fact that it's a trans story to be honest, which is great because unfortunately non-cis characters don't get a lot of attention. 

I guess in general, even if I've got friends, I end up being quite skeptical a lot because I've had a bunch of people pretty much backstab me through out life and that's pretty much where I did an extreme version for Miles, who is pretty much isolated in the story and I guess how I always pictured myself to be. Also I find it interesting, sorry it's weird not to discuss parallels between me and Miles and I tend to do the stories with Miles far more personal, since he's an artist and I've pretty much graduated art school:) 

It's a funny thing, at least for me and Callie until you figure out your gender identity our sexuality was quite hard to grasp to the honest and even my own, so I just pretty much stuck that experience here, but I understand that it's not the same for everyone and in our case we're both gay, so yeah. 

It's a funny thing but when we came back to Stockholm before our holiday I kept pretty much raiding everything to find the perfect bar which I thought Jamie would drag Miles and I didn't really find anything too fitting besides this coffee shop which I think I just stuck a couch in, but it wasn't the reason the coffee shop was used, the bar is decided xD but I'll keep quiet about that:) 

And I kind of had a row due to my beliefs in fate, fortune telling and dreams how I should make my own choices, which really distressed me, because as much as I may be angry in one way or another, I don't really shove my beliefs or lack of them in other people's faces, so I guess this story just becomes more important and yeah, all dreams have huge meanings behind them, like in life, really. 

For some reason I kept having the image of Jamie in his coat lying on the train, so yeah xD

I guess as anyone who believes that assigned gender at birth is not above your actual gender, the gender matters I get angry at things like Autostraddle and the whole belief that transmen are lesbians. So, yeah, I softly stabbed at that and yesterday on tumblr I ended up with someone calling my gender identity some feminist shit, so of course I had to use that xD

and I got nervous and I wrote the paragraph and then edited it with Miles' nausea, which is more fitting and I was really feeling faint yesterday so all is accurate health wise xD

I was really trying to get forced onto female roles when I was growing up and still makes me shudder and gives me dysphoria at times. 

Um, I have panic attacks and sometimes I will drag Callie with me and unfortunately the disabled bathroom is usually where I can just stay for a while with space alone or with Callie, as I can get claustrophobic whilst being outside, so I pretty much just gave that to Jamie and Miles. 

I was thinking about it, but the thing is, we don't always pass and sometimes well, people just see that we're trans and I don't think it's a big issue, it is dysphoric at times, well, most of the time, but I dunno our society just forces us into the whole passing thing unfortunately, so yeah. I pretty much decided that Jack had taken a guess and told Jamie, who had his own thoughts and please note that Miles just started trasnitioning and yeah, I don't pass mostly, so nothing I can do if people decide to enforce gender upon me, sometimes I pass though, so yeah

Ah, yes, Jaime. I still like how it sounds xD Um, google it, it's quite an interesting variation:)

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you so much for your support



Monday, 16 June 2014

Pillshop 2

She comes back and I watch her, recalling my visit to church as I had headed into the confession box, tracing my fingers on the wood, as Kate slowly started speaking how she had started enjoying the drug, the effect nearly instant and that had made me smile and I declined trying it myself, just drinking beer, which I had taken from the fridge earlier, which was surely not meant in my family’s eyes for my enjoyment, but we all steal enjoyment from each other. Kate kept talking and talking how I should start selling, how she had friends and I just kept watching her, she was gorgeous, but she was just aesthetically pleasing as in school, Richey had smirked stating, his boyfriend drawing something on the desk and looking at my own queer friends, I wondered how I had even doubted my sexuality and Kate was just with us at all times with her own rumors of girls in skirts holding hands in the wrong places. 

It wasn’t that we all meant trouble, we just seemed to have one rumor per year about us, myself mostly clean, as I would continue listening in chemistry, mixing in all labs, as Nicky would roll his eyes, discussing politics aloud as I wouldn’t even bother.

I wonder what do I even have to confess and I just trace my nails against the wood.

I don’t see anything-

The priest doesn’t say anything and silence is no longer comforting. 

“I wonder if I could steal something.” Richey muttered once, as we had been smoking outside and Kate just smirked. That’s when she smirked, clicking her tongue.

“Jamie started the batch.” And they start discussing. 

“I... I think I’m just sin, I guess.” I mutter, as I still hear their discussion and how they had crawled back to mine’s, now all the beer gone as I would just end up mixing things and watching as if in a peep show, only nothing seemed to be arousing, just their laughter contagious and my own destructive stage. 

“What makes you say that?” I blink at the strong American accent of the priest, but I just shrug, now digging my cheek into the wooden walls and I wonder why isn’t everything covered in crosses. 

Because, you’re American, I want to reply, but I just cross my arms and scratch my ear. 

“I just... don’t think I do the right things.” Is more than a bleaker reply. 

“Well, you still go to church.” He replies. I wonder how young is he and I try to look, but I don’t see his face. I wonder. 

“Yeah, but that... doesn’t cover it. It’s not like I heal or become holy, y’know?” I ask. 

“You still go to church.” 
And fuck you, I think, rolling my eyes. 

“You still confess. God may forgive your sins.” He says, somehow cheerful as if I am a child with a lollypop and I start digging my nails into the hard wood. 

“I think I do bad things.”

I don’t murder people, I just watch them as they start taking more and more students, parents oblivious and all beer not even gone, but negative in all surrounding stores which had sold happily to minors, gathering money for Christmas trees for shelters. 

“But then I would have to deal with society frowning on me.” Richey had continued on the topic, all in haze, fingers threaded with Nicky, everyone too high too care and searching for my parent’s record player. 


I haven't written this story in quite a while, let's be honest xD and I quite missed it because I had all the plot lined up in my head and I was really excited and it was kind of before the whole Breaking Bad craze and I kind of also felt a bit off doing something about drugs and whatnot (I didn't like Breaking Bad, I really didn't get the hype, as you know I just stick to LGBT tv shows unless something extraordinary is there like MMFD which deals with depression and mental health like no other), so it was shelved for quite a while and I've been in a huge Jamie Hince writing mood, so I've been picking up old stories with him:) so yeah, if you want anything just request it really :3

I actually wrote this chapter quite a while ago, but I kept thinking that I'd add something and instead I ended up writing the next today, so here is chapter two xD and pretty much keeping the short format

I can't recall all details of the plot and I want a more surreal direction here, so pretty much the story is going to be like it is, like this specific feel and yeah, like in the first chapter :) and also the first line from the first chapter is the slogan of the Etsy store which everyone should visit xD links on the sidebar:)

Richey and Nicky were unplanned characters which secretly stormed in and made a lot of sense, so they're here xD and it's also nice to pick up very loved icons of mine in a recent story:)

Ah, yes, the confession box and I think it's more than obvious who it is:) and yeah, I like Jack's oblivion and whole attitude that forgiveness is given easily. It wouldn't be me if this story didn't have some faith and religion conflict xD

I hope you enjoyed it and missed it as much as I did (Callie missed it xD)

Thank you! :3



Friday, 13 June 2014

To Miles 32

I wonder if there’s anything else to speak of Matt, how we had done everything together and how my lips had been cut off his harshly for me to see them bleed once I’d press my fingers against them and I’d see Matt with others. The rest of the evening is spent in a very drunk haze, all of us recalling that we should get back on the ship due to the late hours and early start in the morning, that we should be on our way and only then war lingers it’s way into our talk. We should be doing some final training before heading back and Karen mentions that it’s Stalin’s birthday to which a blonde woman joins us, rolling her eyes at Karen, as Karen and Jamie quickly exchange some secret glance, to which the blonde woman is oblivious. I observe her neat pink and white checkered dress as she introduces herself as Marina and we all shake hands and she just smiles. 

I observe her for a while and I think Jamie fixes his glance on her for a while, I watch her interactions with Karen, as Karen talks loudly and Jamie always lights one cigarette for her after another, as they discuss what to do with the place and Marina mentions that she heard of the Bismarck being blown up and Jamie presumes that they would tell us tomorrow. We count the remaining hours and we excuse ourselves, as I glance at Marina again how she interacts with Karen, how they both keep waving their arms around, pointing at walls or ceilings and it’s odd to see a woman actually attractive for once and I quickly notice Jamie look away, a bit locked in thoughts and I smirk to myself. I light the cigarette and I blow smoke in his face, as he is spaced out in his thoughts, he glances at me and I feel my whole self freeze, it’s odd how I never noticed before how attractive he was, it’s also pleasant to see him in other attire, a more groomed version of him and less tired. I hold myself from kissing him again, as we are far too close and Jamie’s green eyes nearly closed and we just clear our throats and pull away, to which I see Karen pout.

“What? No kiss? C’mon, both of you are grown men.” The woman holds her fake frown, still pouting and soon enough grinning, to which Marina pushes her lightly.

“Oi, when I brought my girlfriend, you told us to cut it out.” She says, without an hint of annoyance and I notice her subtle flirting and attempt to pierce Karen with her stare, to which Karen is surely not oblivious to as she exhales, raising her head. 

“That’s different darling, I get distracted when it’s two women, when it’s two men, I honestly don’t care and they would be filing their nails if we were to make out.” Me and Jamie both laugh, as Jamie finishes his wine. Marina just blushes lightly. We leave hands locked but as soon as we leave the building, we drop our hands to side, burning and I just stick my hands in my pockets. Jamie looks far too good for his age, it dawns on me, because I recall my parents when they were his age and they seemed ancient. We walk back in silence in the beginning, as we start discussing the Royal Navy and our own predictions, how pretty much we don’t know what awaits us and that Alison’s cards all scream war, but they don’t speak of the intensity or maybe Alison herself doesn’t want to tell and I wonder what she writes to Jamie in her letters, how many fond words they say to each other. 

I get anxious as we approach the ship and we agree to meet in one hour and I keep watching him the whole time, as he just talks about whatever is on his mind, discussing how we should spend Christmas, since we’ll be in the same town and most likely we’ll just rent something and I already understand that I should be thinking of a Christmas gift and the poem is still with me. But as soon as we enter the ship, Jamie pauses, looks around and we head in, he tells me to remain silent before we bump into some sailor, who I just recall seeing in the canteen and he pales up. He salutes Jamie and is too scared to even do anything. 

“Fucking hell.” Jamie mutters as he starts opening all rooms, to see some men missing, as I slowly follow him, but he keeps checking every room, the sailor from earlier still pale and shaking, much younger than I am. In the end we head into the orlop which is guarded by another sailor and once the door is pushed open, the sailor nearly pushed away to the floor as I grab him by his arm and his whole body is shaking. 

“AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE?” Jamie yells, face red and I can’t even blink as the men in front of us all drop that they’re doing, which is pretty much each other and salute the captain. I can’t help but smirk as Jamie just closes his eyes with his palm. I see his shoulders ache and there’s a split second, where he looks hurt and looks like he’s taking the decision of cutting off his own leg or shooting himself to avoid pain. “YOU ARE SERVING AMERICA, NOT YOUR OWN GODDAMN HELLISH NEEDS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND. YOU AND YOUR SINS ARE NOT ONLY NOT WELCOME ON BOARD MY SHIP, BUT ONBOARD THE FUCKING NAVY WHICH PROTECTS THE GOD’S LAND OF OUR COUNTRY.”

Jamie’s voice shakes, but it’s seen as a shake of rage. 


And all are dismissed as they dress and Jamie silently smokes a cigarette. He approaches me, as I am too null to act. 

“In an hour.” He tells me again and throws the cigarette on the floor, for some other sailor to pick up as they slowly start leaving.

The outrage barely gives ourselves time to sleep and I slip into the room, seeing Miles reading with a flashlight and he has enormous bags under his eyes. He watches me as I change and I try not to focus on it. He touches my waist and I freeze as his hand remains there. I try not to think of the men, which were all in the middle of sexual acts, some kissing, some just fucking and there’s Miles not only in front of me, but in my thoughts as well. 

I’m not interested in his confusion. 

I close my eyes, but before I speak, he does.

“I need to talk to you, Al.” And he stands up, excusing himself and heads out of the door. I wonder what does he even want to say, but I just continue changing and I make sure to time it, so that I wouldn’t miss fucking Jamie. I think we’re both aware of our late fucking session, which is still tainted by the men getting sent off. I ruffle my hair, a bit embarrassed of the thought and I exit the room, thinking of pinning Jamie down and stroking him harshly, as he’s still dressed (even if I’m sure he changed). I get hard thinking, but I just try to shrug it off, the lights a bit dim, thankfully and I just follow Miles, as he heads up. I stop.

“Wait, I’m not going to fucking discuss your issues with Jamie-”

“Jamie?” Miles hisses. 

“Well, I can’t really call him Captain Hince in bed, can I?” I snap. I feel like we are two school boys in a quarrel and I get scared all of a sudden. He’s known Jamie longer. Maybe I shouldn’t be blurting out our relationship, but then it’s more than obvious to Miles. 

He leads me to the deck again and I feel like I’m shuffling two relationships and I watch him. He knows. Miles knows that I’m still attracted to him and I just flinch when he puts his hand on my shoulder and the thought of kissing him races through my head,

his hand is on my cheek,

I’m not a good person,

he takes me by the chin,

He wants to hurt Jamie. That shatters my image and I just yank myself out of his touch. I turn around, shivering from the cold, already observing the snowflakes fall and try to flirt with the ship, as I just hear Miles lighting his cigarette and I turn around. 

He just stands there and I don’t know who he longs for, but I can be there for him and I recall how we had first kissed, our sex, how I had believed in his love, the anxiety which was entirely opposite to the confession I had with Jamie, which seemed to just bluntly say the state we were in and I wonder how would I describe my love with Miles?

How would I describe my lust for someone who seems not only to be destroying me but the love of my life-

My eyes widen. I light a cigarette myself and I head up to Miles and I look into his eyes and I wonder what Jamie is doing. My hands shake, my own fear of reality dawns on me and the fear strangles me as if I were on gallows. As I push Miles forward, destroying myself with the plain fear of the self and we make out briefly, as I let myself be destroyed with the fear of being calm-

I won’t be calm, I expel myself from the absurd kiss. 

“Why are you with Jamie?” Snow starts covering the deck and our own clouded thoughts. He asks me.

“Because I love him.” Obvious stated. Maybe this is my own coda, maybe I am Miles. Maybe I’m not as good as Jamie. 

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Because I love you too.” I kiss him again, letting the devil take me, because Jamie never was the devil, he never was the love elixir which had fallen upon me, dictating who to fall in love with, but instead I had fallen in love with Jamie. 

Destroy me, Miles. I keep my eyes closed as he just lights a new cigarette, breathing smoke in my face. I observe his smirk. Maybe I’ll lose them both through that metallic, empty, bloodless kiss. He traces his fingers upon my cheek. 

“I think neither of us are worthy of Jamie.” I mutter. Miles pauses and after a while, throws a half smoked cigarette into the sea.

“...I think so too. Since you fucked up.” He grins a bit too widely. I make my mind about not going to Jamie’s. 

After that we just head back, time not even taking its course, everything moving too rapidly, as if the corners of my mouth are stretched and I am forced to watch reality through the lenses of anxiety, allowing ourselves to discuss our own fucked up minds in the morning, as I try to sleep, trembling and checking my watch, trembling even more until the light is flicked on harshly and I open my eyes to see Jamie, now in Captain’s hat and everyone looking at him, he hushes everyone to just salute on the beds. 

“Turner, I need you as evidence.” I remain in the bed. Jamie rolls his eyes. “Turner, NOW.”

And he bangs the door, as Carlos and Julian I guess exchange silent glances as Miles just watches me. I dress up fast, my fingers shaking. Julian stands up and helps me button my uniform and I feel myself shaking. 

It’s the orlop, isn’t it?

Was Alex in it?

I heard they’re sending off twenty men?

How many were there?

Did Alex see it?

Jamie opens the door again and I feel that I could faint, but instead I follow him, as Miles stops Julian from following me and I glance one last time into Miles’ dark eyes, which had captivated me long ago. I stumble on my steps and as soon as we enter the room Jamie presses me against the wall, hungrily kissing me and stops once he realizes how frozen I am and I nearly slide down, as he stops and whatever he asks me feels as if I am underground

under water

I hear my own scream,

before I collapse onto the floor, feeling the thud,

Jamie’s arms catching me right before the fall and I just feel my whole body give in, I hear the door being banged open and I hear Jamie’s voice

and all I think is of the poem I’ve not read and the love I want to give in,

the truth is

I love him,


what if he doesn’t?

What if he’d leave me?

What if he’d never leave Alison, like Miles would hiss?

I feel water upon me, I keep feeling Jamie’s fingers above others. I believe I am soon taken off somewhere, maybe off the ship, maybe-


I ease in his touch, in his love

which never lets me end. 


Sorry if this might end up being short, as I'm quite tired xD and yeah, I wanted to post it :3

I dunno, I'm quite proud of To Miles and I hope you've been enjoying the journey and don't worry there's more ahead, but yeah I think about two-three scenes are left until the end of this part and yeah, Miles is slowly getting back and Alex's anxiety is rising. 

Marina showed up xD both Marina and Meg were thought of nearly before their chapters had been written and their story arcs are yet to happen and yeah it's weird how soon enough different characters will be in the spotlight, well besides the main ones of course:3 (spoiler? kindaaa xD) anyway :3 it's hard to speak now without spoiling and yeah, Marina is just gorgeous really and I guess the fact that I'm fluid leaked in a bit xD but yeah, Alex is gay and I was quite anxious, but yeah :3 

and I found it funny that so far there is only one heterosexual cis couple which is Alison and Jamie xD 

The filing nails was a mock to Jamie filing his nails many many chapters ago really xD 

The orgy scene was thought of quite a while back when they were just heading over to the cabaret and I was in general really anxious of the fast pace of this chapter, but with Alex collapsing I think it makes a lot of sense, since he is fairly feeling unwell apparently :) 

Oh, yes, Jamie's speeches always amuse me and are fun to write with their stupidity xD and in general that's how Captain Hince was supposed to be, but in the end he developed into the character I hope we all love, coz he is great xD 

I think Miles' comeback was planned and milex is in general and it's quite awaited I think even if I pretty much don't like Miles at this point, but he's a crucial character and I'll keep silent on how it's going and yeah :) 

I always have anxious characters when it comes to love and I guess this is where it strikes Alex. 

I think this chapter speaks for itself and here it is. 

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I had and please pop me a message or in the comment section below, as I'm just as anxious as Alex :3



To Miles 33