Sunday, 22 June 2014

Gandalf's Inhaler 16

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I decide to grasp all my courage and unravel it, releasing it from my palms as Matt just spins around in his chair, very confused and looks at me a bit, before closing his eyes and exhaling, some shard of piece stuck in his hair before it falls, but he still had managed to cut off some off his worries out. 

The clocks seems to be ticking and I slowly start recalling, my whole body slowly shaking as I recall the first time my Biology teacher had called me a faggot and I just thought I misheard something, as he’d keep organizing the papers together, as I left the classroom only to see my pale reflection in the bathroom, putting my backpack down and checking my eyeliner-

“...I dunno.” Is all Matt can say, even if he’s grinning, slowly hoping that it’s not just an illusion. My mind is far too conflicted, as I wonder, how I kept feeling that I seemed to be the target at all times, due to my sexuality and I had to admit that maybe I had been too vocal about gay rights, ranting at each teacher to watch their mouth and now I just would remain silent, the teachers more moderate, but still too many things would cross my mind, fear and my own fingers trembling as if I were applying eyeliner for the last time. 

I really thought Matt was straight. I glanced at him. We never had anything, really and I’m happy for it to be left as such, as I would glance up when I was growing up, ruffling through all the boys I had known.

Cheating still seems non-existent as I watch him and it feels like I’m a child again, as I had discovered the texts from other women in my dad’s phone by simply trying to fish out an old text message from grandparents which mom had asked for, the widen eyes, that something as unusual as cheating would happen, when even homosexuality seems obscure because it’s just something which I’m not even aware of. Divorce sounds something heartbroken homes have and that it would never seem to grace our house where prayer is no longer used, yet it seems to fling itself upon us and I felt like a broken mirror as some arguments were thrown after finalization of the decision, where would Miles be and it had been decided as I had moved out with Matt and he had always been by my side, besides when I had pushed him off,

is that when he met Julian?

How could you cheat on someone who you loved?

I kept looking at him and I knew my gaze was piercing, I wasn’t siding with him or feather boy. 

I wonder how many things do I not know. I don’t know how his first kiss tasted, how many thoughts had raced through his head and I wonder if I’m the only one with the struggle of coming out, as Julian seems to be a mere other partner, his gender not relevant, both cheaters. 

Do I treat Julian as another lover and I observe Matt’s eyes confused and filled with hope, yet hollow when it comes to morale apparently. He spins again and I just go back to my homework, wondering how long will he continue staring at me. 

“...You-” I pause. My bottom lip is shaking. I have to find the strength, it is none of my business and Matt is my only friend. “...How-”

I don’t. 

I drop the topic as I start scribbling notes furiously in, my shoulders shaking, some mere realizing of some long lost PTSD within me. Matt just comes over and hug me as I wonder how many times had he jerked off to the Arctic Monkey. 

Days pass and me and Matt don’t touch the subject and I just get a letter back, saying how my views on sexuality are some obscure feminist bullshit and I don’t even know where to even stick myself, as I’ve given it to Alex, but I’ve managed to untangle myself from him and I just headed outside, being it rather late in the night, as I had started smoking the cigarette, that’s the thing it always happens like a gun shot and I don’t even see the connection as I keep smoking or rather observing the lit cigarette as I can’t even cry, I just keep blowing on my cold fingers, awaiting some disastrous Christmas where I am also seen as some obscure feminist bullshit and it just happens to shake my soul deep down as I keep wondering

that’s the thing

I keep wondering, shooing both Alex and Matt and Breana and Julian, everyone as my entire being is torn down and shoved away. 

I end up smoking, checking the lovely letter as they openly tell me to fuck off and I am left with the fake grades even if besides them the real score is shown and I don’t even know where to go with the letter, as I keep smoking, it’s not even cold anymore because I’ve been out so long and smoking cigarette after cigarette, time and days becoming so obscure that I only recall my yelling at Matt, that The Arctic Monkey’s new video is wank and he told me, of course, Nick is gay, therefore he doesn’t care about women and I ended up arguing that it doesn’t mean he’s a douchebag to Breana and other females, whilst Matt is. 

I just recalled my anger throughout the whole thing as I stopped visiting Alex, as he would slowly start joining me while I’d smoke in the night, his own words muted out, as I couldn’t seem to be in the room with anyone, wondering what the fuck would even happen to my life as the only reason I wasn’t getting anywhere was on the sole fact that I was gay.

I had wondered about cutting myself and suicide, but there is that point in life when those things stop mattering, you can’t inflict more pain upon yourself than life. 

I had still gone to Alex, wondering how long would it take for Ezra to show up with his ugly Babar jacket and I had started styling my hair, wondering if I should cut it off, if I should stop bothering with my entire existence and I wondered how long would it last for my empathy to collapse and go Florence Rey style on the streets. 

On the end of the lesson, I still took my time packing and Alex dropped a few books on my desk. 

“I want a lab report.” The thud still echoes around me, as I look at all the lab reporting books and I can’t even focus.

“Excuse me?” I blink. “I handed mine in...”

We’re alone.

“I really did.”

“I know. Do another one. Get your mind off it.” Alex sighs and I just see concern on his face and I didn’t even notice how much longer his hair got, if he keeps it for another few months he’ll reach the haircut he had with The Arctic Monkey. I just shrug. I start packing the new books, feeling oblivious to the assignment. “Miles.”

I raise my eyes.

“...You’ll be fine. I’m keeping an eye on your grades, you’ll get it, ok?”

“Yeah, well, maybe I’ll fuck up the test.”

“But you never did.” It’s like a slap across the face, a drop of water and I just nod, my shoulders begin to shake. I grip my fist, nails digging into my palm as I begin crying and Alex just wraps himself around me, kissing the top of my head, soothing as I don’t even feel myself crying, I just feel myself crumbling and I can’t even recall what’s going on,

when you collapse, you don’t feel yourself falling. 

“Matt is cheating on Breana, sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.” I say, feeling a bit guilty at the change of topic, but he’s right, I guess. I shouldn’t think of it. Alex blinks, but surprise gets him. 

I try to recall everything Matt had told me in order to tell Alex, as he just glances at the door to make sure that no one is heading in and he quickly locks the door, fiddling with the buttons of his lab coat, worried and at the same time curiously excited about any piece of gossip and I presume a more calm Miles. I feel anxious, speaking of it but it so happens that Matt had shared this and I would share this with Al. I just scratch my head, trying to get it out of my head, the anxiety, I mean. 

I still recall him, spinning in the chair, as I start telling Alex. 

“We met at an Arctic Monkey concert. Well, he said he prefers My Last Shadow Puppet coz it’s an openly gay band, I mean, we don’t get to see them make out, but everyone knows they’re engaged and all, but yeah, he said he prefers them and then we pretty much started talking-”

“Wait, how long ago was this?” I had interrupted Matt as I tell Alex who has wide eyes and a smirk on his face.

“Soon to be a year ago... You were busy.” I tried to get rid of the college memories and focus on the bizarre crackers I had bought that Christmas and then back to Matt. Alex snorts, conflicted about Breana like everyone sane is. No one wants to pull the blanket away from her. 

“But it’s not like... it just dawned on me or my love for Breana faded. It was just something else.” He shrugged. “I ended up being attracted to two people, really. It’s not like Breana didn’t like The Arctic Monkey as much as I did, it was just... different.”

“You met Julian, he’s quite insane, really and he’s really fun, oddly curious about random things and he always ends up everywhere with his blind trust, dunno, it’s a different kind of fun.” He just motions and smiles, recalling Julian and then it was my turn to spin, as I would look at the ceiling feeling odd that for once the walls above Matt weren’t covered in stars and I wondered. Should I judge? He was still cheating on Breana.

“Well... I think all is good, as long as he tells Breana.” Alex muses out loud, rocking on his heels. I tap my fingers against the desk, just for my own annoyance.

“That’s the problem, he doesn’t want to because he doesn’t want to lose her.” I say, wondering at what stake do we keep our love, even if it has to lose its purity. 

So then what is it that makes us collapse? That night both me and Alex chain smoke, as Alex joins me and the Christmas holidays are far too near with the breeze, as I wonder far too much, as I am too sleepy to mix the cold stroking my hair with Alex’s numb fingers, as he just watches me slowly dissolve and pick myself together, because even if someone grabs you and shakes your shoulders,

the thing is

you’re the one who enters and immerses in depression and you’re the one, who yanks themselves out

because as hard as it is, life is unfair and fucking ugly,

and I got abused

but the thing is I can still smoke and know my lover’s hair far too well. 

And when you wish the ending credits would roll, another day comes, because the dice keep rolling, rigged far too many times, as I just wonder watching Matt still sleeping for a later class and I know it’s his choice, but I shake his shoulder, saying that I will meet Julian with him on the weekend, because no matter if you agree with the choice or not, there are some people which you love, even with their stupidity

the only thing which haunts me is that perhaps, the abusers, they have it too,

but then I don’t think people mixed on a spoon with hate get that,

because they need some hate to get from in the first place.

“I’ll meet Julian properly.” I say louder, waking him from his dream just to see a smile. This reminds me when I had first met my parents’ partners after struggling and it is.

I smoke with Alex on the break, watching Ezra and the rest walk past, quickly glancing at us, as we’d discuss the lab report and if we were both school boys we’d flip at everyone, but we think we’ve grown and maybe that’s great, when you don’t have hate on your shoulders, just for those who you truly despite, those who had made you trip and regret love. 


And I'm sorry for the wait, as emotionally this is the hardest story for me to write and I think I'm in a nicer place, because it's hard and well sometimes you have to move on even for a while, even for yourself, because frankly it depresses me to the core that no one really cares that LGBT people get discriminated, that even the community itself is blind and that education can just be fucking unfair just because of who you are and where you are from. So yeah. But we just have to go on and we do and fight as well, because frankly every fucking day is a fucking fight due to ignorant people and people who claim that they care and sit with their hands crossed, because by doing nothing, by never speaking up, that harms everyone

Anyway, I ended up with 1.9 k and I saw that it was too short and I kept writing and I honestly hope it's good, because I'm really anxious and it seems that my anxious chapters are the most loved, so I hope this one will be one of those as well xD and yeah, there's more to come of course :3

Miles' self at his previous college is pretty much what I had been as I wanted this story to have my personal experience and Alex's comforting self was always pretty much what Callie has and always will be to me, I dunno how me or Miles would've survived without them, so yeah. 

Closer to the ending it dawned on me how the whole Matt/Julian thing reminded me of how it felt when I had found out about my parents and how odd it was, kind of meeting and well, over the years I frankly don't care and I love everyone of them and yeah, but it's really weird in the beginning but in the end it's never your choice and that never really changes your relationship with your parents, so yeah. 

And yeah, pretty much sexuality and identity seemed to be called off as a view and I got called feminist shit on my identity so yeah, I've been using that in Blue/Jacket as well xD 

I just think, we should all even whilst fighting, try to get our minds off it and yeah, I just want both me and Miles to be in the same calmer place for now, so yeah 

I hope you enjoyed it and yeah :D please tell me if you want the next chapter so I can start writing it :3 

(I'm really holding from adding Jamie as a character xD because I don't need new characters and I've been sticking him everywhere xD haha if someone wants me to, just tell me and I will, honestly XD)




  1. This is getting harder to read for each chapter. I love this but it hurts and some things just hit too close to home.
    The depression, the abuse, the feeling of not being alive ...
    I know this is written a long time ago and I really hope you're better

    1. It's surely one of my heaviest stories since I've written since it's based on actual events and it becomes so personal.
      I am better, but I still have to deal with what happened up to this day unfortunately, but I am surely better :)