Monday, 2 June 2014

To Miles 31

When you’re in love you’re on a illuminated stage and the thing is, sometimes you don’t see all of the audience and you don’t always know who and how is looking at you, it can be a handful of old lovers or people you were never even aware of and anxiety from being loved sometimes drowns you or maybe it’s because you know your life is a bunch of shards which had been long gone, too much desire flicked upon many and many people. 

Or maybe it’s just one shard in the oddest person you’ll ever find, smoking a cigarette the wrong way as he watches you and he’s the only one you’ll ever see still in his captain’s hat. 

I feel tender once we both break the kiss, daze from the new sensation of lack of touch after such a kiss, as Jamie gives me a drag from his cigarette, something I myself forgot to offer him as he still watches me before the lights come on and all he does is look ahead, still sitting just as close. 

I’ve just got a smug smile on my face as I look at the menu before me, wanting a drink. 

We usually lay naked for a while, post-sex after our whole body feels swollen and sticky from the waist down, legs or hands and our entire beings intertwined as Jamie would pull me close, closing his eyes, his own softer smile, as he’d stroke my hair, kissing the top of my head before resuming a lazy drifting to eternal sleep kiss. 

Sweat would be the second cover of the spider web, something we keep doing even if it’s dangerous, simply because it seems to be in our nature. I don’t think we’re black widows either as the term seems to be lovers, nothing less and somehow not approved by the person who had created us and even shoved us on this path of consciousness together if to believe what Miles believes in. 

I keep flicking through as we both keep stealing glances at each other, but shying away from the other as if we’ve never been lovers before. 

Love is a bouquet, it’s barely ever a single rose unless you happen to find the love of your life as soon as you start getting hungry for something mutual and far further than any blood bond you’ve ever formed before the eyes were opened and it was handed. We all become greedy in a way and love is a bouquet, every person a flower, some rot and they still remain in the bouquet, while so many are thrown out, but the other ex lover might still hold onto it, when the other tore it into pieces long ago. 

As I excuse myself, I feel sleep dawn on me for some reason as I look at myself in the mirror and my haze seems to confuse people as I think I see Matt. But it’s not him and my whole body aches as I recall him, our only exchange being letters and I feel myself sulking lightly and it seems to grow in intesity as I realize that we’ve only touched briefly all of our lovers, current and past as I feel myself smile lightly at the small touch of hierarchy which makes me feel guilty and I wash my face, telling myself not to be as jealous of Alison as Miles used to be, that in the end his own jealousy was the thing which wrecked everything from what I’m aware of.

Matt is also a rose, now blossoming all of a sudden, when I had given my rose to Matt ages ago and now I just found out that he had kept it. 

I don’t know how would we face each other and how come we had never carried on a topic, never fully discussing Miles or Matt or Alison, hell, I’ve only seen a photo of Hince’s child, as they seemed to be elsewhere or he wouldn’t take me to see them. It’s not that it’s cold, it’s just that our bouquets seem to have too many things. Maybe I take far too long that even Jamie walks in and waits for someone else to exit, as he combs the sides of his hair, ignoring my gaze before letting it dig into me.

“You ok, Al?” He asks me and I feel tense even if he is my antidote to everything. How do I even start, we stumble upon Miles when drunk and somehow even his presence seems ironic in our conversations, both of us becoming parallels to each other. I surely couldn’t bunk out Alison even if I wanted to. He cups my cheek and I nearly pull it away as his fingers start stroking my cheek. I don’t hold and I yank him backwards into the stall, letting myself ease by the taste of his mouth as I still cling onto his shirt, both of us far too eager as he pins me against the wall and I can see that we are trying to get all the anxiety out but soon enough we both break it. 

“I’m sorry...” I can’t hold the pause too long. I know I have to speak before he does. “I... He kept slipping my mind. He’s always in and out.”

Jamie keeps looking at me, confused, but I’m assuming he thinks it’s Miles.

“No, it’s not Miles.” We both tense up. “I...”

I can’t call Matt a lover. He’s not a lover yet. I dig my nails into the fabric upon his shoulders. 

I think there are too many things which trigger me towards him. To both. It’s two different flowers, I’m useless when it comes to identifying flowers, as mom would plant them all over the garden and they just seemed like a den for insects when I was growing up and when Matt had to date, mom would sometimes cut a few roses off and I wondered if I could do the same for Matt, but when he told me that he himself didn’t like flowers, the idea was stung by a bee and that was it. 

I have someone else?

Jamie doesn’t tense up he just looks at me confused. I feel like I’m sharing my own past, my own fears which I will never be able to meet against Miles or Alison, I feel like I have my own special person and I can’t help but stare at him, our bodies glued to each other. 

It feels odd to have no fear with Jamie now, before when I would wake up at night, flirting with the idea of waking him up, watching his hair sticking in all directions, sometimes he wouldn’t even bother to put on a robe and it was a magical roll of the dice when I would catch him off guard or sometimes he would just yank me in, when our relationships started becoming purely sexual and I knew that he had been playing with me, the feeling of love far too hidden within the deck of cards which awaited us, making both of us lose the interest of the initial price and revealing both of us as ordinary players, both ranks stripped bare. 

Sometimes I feel bad that I miss how rough it would be, but we’re still quite rough and I have to make sure that no marks are left, trailing my nails down his spine as he would thrust deeper, smirking as I would pull my head back, feeling enlightened by someone consuming and drinking me entirely, looking back it seemed to be under a veil only now I see that it’s lace, both of us sitting just as awkwardly, wondering about the lingering war and by the end of the day we are still breaking the law, first of all we thought with sex only to realize that love strapped itself onto it before we even touched each other. Hell, we’re breaking religion and what humanity holds dear, even if everyone is more than a little queer.

I press my forehead against Jamie’s neck, kissing him, feeling his skin under my fingertips as I trace and slide my finger under his collar, Jamie leaning his head down, capturing my lips, sliding his tongue in, giving a quiet moan, our minds triggered by each other’s presence. His tongue slowly moving against mine.

I love you in all forms,
Where my body leaves my soul,
drenched in your pain. 

Matt’s poem pushes itself up into my mind and consciousness. I feel guilty of thinking of Matt, letting him glide in, as I make out with Jamie, my hand already pulling his tie loose.

I let him sink in, before I kiss him, before I let out my life in front of him as I’ve known a bit of his and even held hands with his former lover, as Miles seems to crawl in the back of my thoughts as I wonder what had been thought of before he slept, letting all his ideas run wild, Jamie still in his head and I wonder which Jamie does he recall, how old is the Jamie he imagines, is he already a captain, does he chain smoke, what had he been thinking and it’s weird to know that it hasn’t been always since you’ve known your lover. 

“It’s Matt.” We both seem to be on separate walls and Jamie just nods, motioning towards the door, if we want something more private, offering and I nod, as he kisses my cheek, telling me to hold my thought as he traces his fingers on mine as we walk out, Jamie quickly fixing his hair before we leave and we keep walking as the same singer from before, looks a bit irritated at the audience and sings of the ghost of a pilot which had died before the war, that even if he had survived, those meant to die in flight would die anyway, war or not, because the war is in their mind

“And it only dissolves when peace is achieved, that is when it is no longer weak.” She continues singing as I quickly glance at her, as she watches us with a brief smile as we head towards backstage into a corridor with all posters and I see all different colours and Karen also on some dancing and even with the other woman, who had been singing of the ghost of a pilot. I hear applause and that’s when Jamie kicks a rug to reveal a small green painted key and he opens the dressing room, which I believe is Karen’s filled with flowers and gifts all scattered and feathers laying from all her boas. Jamie lights a cigarette as we head in and he locks the door. We take opposite chairs next to the huge mirror taking the entire wall and bottles of perfume scattered and even some nail varnishes open. 

“Don’t worry, Karen, won’t disturb us. I...” He pauses. Jamie glances down. “I’d bring Miles here, but it’s just that Karen is a dear friend.”

But he catches himself and looks up at me, as he motions for me to go on. 

Do you ever wonder what would you tell your younger self. I do, when I’d still see myself with longer hair, complete dumbstruck by Matt and motivated by going to the navy, since he wanted to be a navy pilot, but I didn’t seem as interested in aviation, but I’d still listen to him as we’d stay outside, anywhere until it would go dark and I even recall how I’d wait for him to kiss me, saying that he’d always prefer to be outside, so that one day he’d have the courage to kiss me. It’s not that he was the only bloke I could lay my eyes on, it’s just that he had meant everything with us even trying cigarettes for the first time, how I somehow happened to fail to light a match and how he had lit my cigarette from his own or how he’d watch me with his light eyes.” I don’t even know when I started speaking out loud, as Jamie just sat there not even inhaling his cigarette and his hand pushing the box in case I had wanted one.

“Sorry, I-”

“No, don’t worry, go on, Al.” He says, smiling and curious that I was revealing something of my past again, only not to dodge this time as usual. I look up at him, and I think I’m too confused or still heartbroken by the mere sight of my old self in my imagination and Jamie pushes the pack towards me again and I nod, lighting a cigarette.

“He never did anything... well.” I scratch my brow. “A few months ago we fucked for the first time.”

I gulp. Jamie doesn’t look shocked, he just watches me. 

“I love him.” I mutter it. Fear washes over me, but Jamie still keeps looking at me, now inhaling and keeps looking at me. He breathes the smoke out slowly.

“I love Alison.” Jealousy is small and mutual. “I’m married and I have children.”

All cards seem to be shown, now with Alison no longer shuffling the deck, revealing all there is and maybe not telling at all. Jamie lights another two cigarettes as soon as we are done with these and he hands me one. 

“Well, if it helps, I was in love with Karen, well...” He pauses. “Well, Karen didn’t know who she really was. It was back when Karen and me just started off in the navy, it wasn’t anything too deep either, I didn’t seem to let myself get attracted to anybody, I just ended up locking myself and reading as I was growing up and sailing really, there was never much to it and we had met at the naval academy.”

I am about to ask questions, but instead Jamie quickly exhales and continues talking. 

“Karen wasn’t aware that she was a woman, really. Well, people think that whatever you are born with dictates who you are. And she tried to play a role and she had met me, she was awfully quiet and she was the one who dragged me to drag shows and she would stare at the performers wide eyed and whenever she could once we got on a ship, she’d do a drag show and she’d watch the performers all the time onshore. She didn’t have luck with women and there I was...” He stares at the cigarette with a soft nostalgic smile. “Just don’t tell her, she always teases me.”

I watch him even blush lightly at a mention of a first love. 

“I was quite attracted to her, well, when she wasn’t aware of who she was. She was quite flamboyant and eccentric and would do the best make up you’ve ever seen and she pretty much would look on stage as she does now, but before she was confused and I think we were both just together because it was queer enough for us to be together...” He smirks. “Until Karen realized that she never was a man, realizing how odd she felt in male attire with a masculine name and in the navy in general. But we did fuck on the night she left the navy and I recall that I was just telling myself, that nothing changed, but for Karen it did and she kissed my cheek, saying that all would be gone.

I sulked for a while and then I realized maybe I just didn’t like women at all and I would just fling myself upon men for a while, until I had met Alison who had told me that I would be the father of her children, which was the oddest pick up line I’ve seen and I followed her around, seeing all her crazy quirks and I just became more and more attracted to her, how she would ask around people if they wanted predictions and how she tried to see if I could predict something. I couldn’t, but she still got me a deck and -”

He pauses. I see some intimate memory, which rinses his mind and I’m sure it’s something sexual, as he looks away and Jamie continues. 

“Then I started struggling with Miles, really. So... I guess, no, I do know how you feel, even if I don’t. I just... never really had such a bond with someone from my childhood.” He smiles and his eyes are on mine. “You’re the strongest bond.”

I recall his love is blood. 

The last cigarette is shared amongst ourselves and when Karen walks in and I make sure to check the leftover love, but instead I see her throw a boa on top of him and they don’t kiss, instead they both laugh, no longer lost lovers. 


Sorry it took me exactly a month to write this chapter which is really weird to be honest, but I just kept writing lots of different stuff and all xD and yeah:3 I hope you enjoyed it :3 

I dunno, it's really weird to describe Jamie's and Alex's love as the more I think of it, it's maybe the purest love I've described as it ended up blossoming more natural for me as I'm demisexual and I don't really get attracted to people straight away, it takes me a while and I was pretty much falling in love with Captain Hince as Alex was and I guess I base off all the emotions I feel towards Callie when it comes to Jamie, because I remember how Callie just seemed dazzled by me when we met and took me a while and only after I got to know her and I'm really judgmental of people so yeah xD 

The smoked wrong cigarette was actually inspired by this photo of Jamie where he's smoking the cigarette backwards, well, about to for some fucking reason and he looks gorgeous as always xD 
I guess has to be noted, I've been off Alex as his whole Pepe-Dracula whatever image seems kind of pushing away to me, so in my head he's still stuck in early AM era, when he still had the quiff and he still just had something heavily attractive to him and I dunno, he seems changed to me and I dunno I didn't seem to catch the drill of Finsbury park, yeah, I fangirled over Miles because he was adorable as always, but Alex is really off for me and yeah, of course everything at once xD so yeah, I'm just here ready if he happens to shake himself back into place, but I still think he's a great musician, I guess I'm having the same thing which I have with Jack White, I prefer the old Jack White to the new, but if he's nearby I'll see him, just he doesn't have priority xD 

I realized well, Alex didn't really touch the subject of Matt before, so I reckoned that it should be mentioned and yeah, here is Matt and in general his poetry sometimes pop in, as he writes them for Al, which is interesting because Jamie also writes poetry, but again 3/4 of my partners have written poetry for me, so it just seems obvious to me because I've written as well and in general I enjoy poetry, so yeah, of course Matt's poems are kind of me putting myself in to write something xD but just for the story xD I rarely write poetry these days, mostly focusing on fiction xD 

I dunno, I sometimes miss how the relationship had started, but in general Jamie is still a dark character, as I was discussing it with Callie, even if he's pretty much Alex's partner, he has changed or rather gone back to his usual self, but he still has his inner demons. And I guess that's why I like or refer myself more to Jamie's character (not just the name, ok? XD) but as much as I may be like Al with him being the protagonist, I'm more antisocial, depressed and I think cruel and rough like Jamie in this story, so pretty much having a character with inner demons like my own I guess is comforting and I like that all the characters have their flaws and mistakes. 

I think I like the paragraph where Alex doesn't even know when did he start talking as it's kind of what I felt when I was writing, I caught myself thinking wait, when did Alex start talking which I think is a very interesting touch xD

And I guess Jamie's demons are very in the face and I had written this small piece which I had wanted to use as a chapter, but it's just like a more straight forward explanation to Jamie and a few more things and Miles of course, it gives a great insight and yeah, I was thinking since I'll have the book ready soon, I know I've been saying this but the end of part one is actually nearly done and I will have the book then. I did the cover! I'm not kidding after struggling I was randomly drawing and I did the perfect cover! So that piece will be unfortunately only available with the book, but don't worry it's more of a backstory explanation, I want to keep it as a surprise but yes, Miles and Miles xD so yeah, I hope that's exciting haha xD 

And dun dun dun dun! The transwoman character  I've been waiting for and Callie who had been dying for her story arc to start, Karen :D yay! I was quite sad that I didn't really have any trans characters in the story and I was thinking and Karen came to life in my head as Jamie's friend and ex-lover and as a transwoman. 

And about Alison, I guess somewhere subconsciously the image of Jamie and Alison in this story was of course (obvious to me xD) inspired by them in The Last Goodbye video as it has this vintage feel and I always liked that video as it reminded me of a doomed marriage where Jamie tries to cover everything up, which is funny because it's a bit different in the story, but their image still remains and besides Alison's hair that's how they were inspired for my novel here xD 

I still see love is blood as my favourite written quote by myself, which is funny because previously my favourite quote was the darkest black you'll ever see is blood, which was a story written about murder which I never actually got to post here and I wrote when I was… sixteen? Four years ago xD I ended up publishing other fiction works of mine because this blog is going to be four years soon xD which is odd xD 

anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did, because I love To Miles and it's surely one of my greatest accomplishments because I always wanted to write an epic and I guess I was always scared to touch WWII and in general with all my studies I even got a bit obsessed with the navy so yeah xD I really love it and I hope you do as well :3 if you do please tell me, haha tell me even your fave ships, anythingXD I'm really happy to answer all questions and yeah :3 

Thank you so much for your support

To Miles 32

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