Saturday, 31 May 2014

Saints Preserve Us 2

“Hey dad, you think John celebrated blow job day at a gay bar, then?” Alex makes me snap out of my coma as I look at the presidential candidate wondering how the fuck do I tell him to get out of Grindr. It’s odd when you discover what people actually do in the privacy of the bedroom, it’s not even that I don’t want to know, it’s more of because well, myself as well, try to censor sex so badly that once it’s mentioned we are all like nine year olds, thinking that it’s the latest drug to try on the streets. Only much less harm, supposedly. 

“What?” I don’t even raise my eyes as I keep looking at his profile, trying to believe that it’s not him with the frizzy curly hair. I even maximize to make sure it’s the next president’s damn face. 

“It was international blow job day, yesterday, dad. So-” Alex decides to explain himself in much more detail, which I clearly seem to lack, I glare softly at him. 

“I’d rather if his wife did it for the sake of his own election.” I mutter. 

"I’m sure you celebrated it with Miles, then." I smirk, adding, not thinking as I try to get my eyes off grindr and I flirt with the idea who else is not concerned about their career. Or who else is with him in this rendezvous with bears and otters and all of mother nature’s strip clubs. 
"Yeah, he congratulated as well." Al makes a click with his tongue and I just glance at him before wincing at the information. "We did it at the same time."
"Fuck, don’t go into details. I really didn’t fuck your mother standing to conceive you for this." I smirk, closing my eyes laughing, too much information even not allowing me to show my full disgust of knowing my son’s sex life. 
"That’s disturbing. I’m not interested, dad."
"I wasn’t inviting you. But trust me, neither of us are as disturbing as…" I flick through a few photos until I find the gold. Literally a photo of John from behind naked. "This."
"Miles had a similar one." Ok, I’m not just wounded, but killed, I glance at Alex’s smirking face and roll my eyes. I need to take the crown. I need to handle the affairs within the family, not just outside the country which is literally me saying how much I hate everyone while eating crackers. 
"One more and I will tell you in graphic detail me and your mothers sex life." Not that ours is too colourful but he doesn’t have to know. I grab a drink as we walk in. To cure anxiety before my speech and I wish I smoked more in a row. I can’t help but keep glancing at John and he notices me. I also have Alex’s iPhone in hand.


“Y’know, maybe I do want Gillis to win. He’s kinda hot.” Alex can’t stop his underground smirking festival and I just shove the iPhone in his hands as John seems to wave off someone who I can’t recall who heads off to Liam. 

“Turn Grindr the fuck off.” I quickly hiss at Alex who mouths a ‘no’. In his eyes since John has grindr on, why shouldn’t he and I see his logic as the candidate approaches us and I happen to know his sexual preferences and how he is looking for a young athletic top. My eyes cringe even before he says hi and Alex seems to check him out. I just widen my smile like I do when I actually don’t think we’ll make it out of some crisis where everyone hates us. 

Depression swells me, as I realize how many idiots seem to pollute the party and I seem to be regretting the decision, but I guess Josh was right, your life is still the same, you don’t change wives or children, you go on, strolling, just with much more money. 

“Heterosexuality is a social construct we must pursue, then.” For some reason springs to my mind as I still see Brian and me on the balcony as we seemed to be stuck in time, back in college, still musing on how would life unravel itself, that I’d have to take dad’s business and keep expanding until Josh offered me to join politics. It’s funny to think he had said it, mockingly, the break up only building its sourness later, months later and even years as his face would still be with me, something had shut down in me, until I had met Kate and even then it wasn’t a gracious dance like it had been with Brian, Kate just reminding me how to let myself loose and soon enough we both found ourselves with a child, exhausted, my wife’s make up smudged and now holding Alex’s mouth from coming out of the closet, which could damage the ideology I hold for the people of America. 

“James, good to see you, again.” John smiles and shakes my hand, as I am a bit too out of it as I glance at his dark eyes, my eyes undressing him not due to attraction but because I’ve seen too much and I feel a bit distubed of knowing how he looks naked, then I watch him shake Alex’s hand and as soon as he opens his mouth.

“My son, Alex.” John nods, smiling. He seems very picture perfect someone who you wouldn’t imagine with a whip at all or someone who would risk blowing their cover, but maybe that’s the one you think would do it, the less likely one to commit murder as I can’t help but keep looking at his neat hair, his dark tie which seems to match his eyes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t have time to talk to you properly before. We should really meet up and get to know each other better, since we’ve got this election in the bag.” John continues smiling as Alex keeps a smirk on his face, muttering ‘erection in the bag’ under his breath, which the next president seems to be oblivious to his face and words and he just lets out a small noise, something like a satisfied giggle and I try to ignore it. Alex just nudges me lightly with his foot. “But from what I’ve heard we’ll make a great team.”

“Sure you will.” Alex mutters under his breath, already back on Grindr. John raises his eyebrows, not catching Alex’s pun as I wave it off, already wondering how big would the scandal be if someone actually realizes who Jack White is on Grindr, how do people get through with this? Wouldn’t their glass ideology fall and then they wouldn’t vote for us, nagging that we had betrayed Jesus and maybe then Liam would run for president since whenever you go down, you have to choose the most appealing conservative and Liam’s idelogy seems to be attractive to most of the population which like us lie to everyone about their sex life, not matter if they have it or not, we always hide it, as if there is too much or too little sex to share. And since Casablancas appeared with a typewriter, typing that he approves of this message on the last elections, we don’t seem too favourable anymore. 

“Would you like to come tomorrow for dinner to discuss the campaign because we decided that we should have everyone in our ad do something like an American would.” Alex holds his hand over his mouth and I’m positive he wants to say like Americans fuck, but he decides to keep silent as I glare at him and John just watches us, amused. 

“We’re not having Julian with a typewriter again, are we?” I say before I even hold myself and John starts laughing as Alex starts messaging random politicians. I notice Doherty nod at me very slowly. I quickly glance at my son, who seems to be discussing something. 

“Oh, no, no, that backfired. No innovations, I’ll be speaking straight into the camera.” Alex gives a smirk at the word straight, I don’t hold and grab his phone, smiling at Jack as I see the conversation closed and my own name and a dreadful photo of me in trainers as the profile pic.

I got three messages.

“Excuse me.” And I harshly grab Alex by the shoulder, my hands shaking as I yank him out of the building and throw the phone in his hands, past a bunch of men who might just end up being in the coffee app or musing on the seeings of Jesus as told by Liam. Josh gives me a brief wave, as he drinks water, but I ignore him. 

“I’m not gay and I’m surely not fucking interested in fucking Pete Doherty, who ended up in a cocaine scandal last month!” I actually yell at him, as I see a few men exit the building and I just get a pack of cigarettes, Alex grabbing one as well, before I even mention anything. I don’t bother to mask my voice, since apparently everyone here seems to be on grindr, by the looks of it. 

“Whatever, dad, I’ll message Mr. Jack here. You seem to be an athletic top...” He eyes me from head to toe. “Or just work out a bit.” 

“That should fly.” I don’t reply anything, continuing smoking before John ends up opening the door, smiling at us. I try to avoid his interested stare at me. He taps his iPhone, as Alex turns around, shoulders shaking. 

“Sorry... I should’ve been more clear.” He leans to whisper in my ear. “I am inviting you.”

I bite my lip until it bleeds. I don’t open my mouth to make sure my teeth don’t have traces of blood in them and I’m more than pale for sure. I can’t decline, that would mean engaging in why and my whole mouth seems to be metallic, as if my tongue had been poked by a blade a few numerous times. I just nod, forcing a smile, as Alex just doesn’t even laugh anymore, he seems to be enjoying himself awfully, as John just grabs my shoulder, squeezes it and holds my gaze for a while. He’s much taller and it’s not that his height or preference for men scares me, it’s his attraction to my fucking disastrous photo of me in trainers, because Kate thought it to be fashionable, attracts him or his belief that I seem to be interested. 

I don’t think we’ll be discussing politics. 

The rest of the evening is uneventful, John texting me to meet him tomorrow night, that we’d be alone and I just continue seeing Alex, as we get driven back, on Grindr, until I don’t hold and I scroll through the few messages which seem John asking for nudes, which Alex, thankfully declined with not the best of lines, implying that he’d get to see everything soon. I take off my suit, running hands through my hair, not bothering, as I loosen my tie and Alex just watches me. 

“You need intimacy with the next president of the United States, dad.” And he continues laughing. I watch him, smirking lightly, because I’m sure I’ve done that if I had the chance to my dad, but I was too concerned about my own problems and acceptance and trying to understand what should I do with life. I keep looking at him, as he exists Grindr eventually, cooling off his own joke, as I close my eyes, trying to keep John away from my thoughts, at least for now. It was around this age, that I kissed Brian. The memory crashes upon me with Brian’s chapped lips covered in red lipstick, as I had hurled him on top of my bed, locking, pinning him down, making sure he wouldn’t make a noise. 

I light a cigarette, Alex now letting me to myself, as we slowly reach home and Kate greets us with Archie ballistically jumping on both of us, as I keep my silence, Kate concerned with Alex’s rendez-vouz with Miles later tonight. I watch all three of them for a while, before I just push the door open to head in, not even Archie following me. 

I close myself in the office, closing my eyes as I rest on the sofa, forgetting that Kate had refurnished the room last month, so it still seems new to the eye, as I just sit there for quite a while, making sure that my appearance is surely after Kate’s bed time. 

The anticipation for tomorrow is far too odd, I haven’t been on a date with a man for a while, I sigh, recalling my talk with Kate many years ago, how she wouldn’t mind still seeing women, both of us not too thrilled with the idea of marrying, but each other seemed like something tolerating and we agreed to speak of if someone worthy appeared and years passed and our toleration just got better and Kate seemed to enjoy the life she had with me, she was pleased, not content, sometimes muttering things and we both had an affair with my secretary, who I ended up firing, because nothing seemed to be going anywhere.

Kate still sees her from while to while, as Alison would just glance at me, I ended up hiring her again and we still have some coldness among us, Alison’s confusion only being thrown into the pool as our own. 

I start recalling Brian briefly how I had walked from college, my lip bruised and split open, blood already staining my shirt from the trail on my neck, as I had stared at myself in the mirror, observing the bruised lip after the fight I had gotten in with whoever had called me and Brian fags during the brief period where we had decided to make out in front of one of the buildings and then we had both been hurled against the walls, in warning, but later that day I was the one pushed against a wall and pushed, I had managed to redeem myself and I hope had broken that person’s nose, but I had tripped while kicking him on the floor, only to stand up to be punched and have my lip split open, a coda to the fight, as I had went back to the dormitories, suit in hand, all body shaking

to see myself in the mirror with naked fear

and soon enough me and Brian would stop dating, so visibility was no longer an issue.

I close my eyes shut, telling Alex to talk to me tomorrow unless urgent when he knocked and eventually he left, music slowly playing from his headphones. 

I check my watch, still displeased with the time as I just open my laptop, wondering what else could be leaked of John, nothing on google and seems to be likely that he would cover up anything else. 

Confusion and some slight desire for the past seem to wash over me. 

It wasn’t the fall of innocence, it was fall of oneself, the fall of love really. He’d go through and forth in my mind, year after year, like a flower I was manually dismantling the petals, hoping that the memory would go ugly somehow. That all had collapsed on the night of dad’s death, as he had found out about Brian, I had known that I’d inherit the business but he kept yelling that someone as impure to touch another man would never be able to be a human being,

it’s metaphorical that when I recall his words I still see myself in that mirror, as if I would be banging against it, hoping that on the other side of my reflection there would be something else, if everything would be turned around, that there wouldn’t be any homophobia and I stopped caring if it wasn’t even me on the other side of the reflection, that I would change, I didn’t care-

I just wanted out.

Words strike you, even if you can’t recall them sometimes and I had met Kate then, who I had known slept with women and she had smiled at me, I wasn’t as shallow to say that she was good-looking, but we got along, she heard about how I had inherited, that I’d have to take over the business and she was fascinated by it, even if people thought that the golf club would just collapse, it was quite small even if it afforded the life of the entire family in quite a good way, it was still a local club. She was adorable and she could hold a conversation, either read or be about to read the books I’ve read.

We tagged along for a good while, becoming really close friends, Kate sore from her last break up and we seemed to be very refreshing to each other and soon enough, the idea since we got along and it had been a year, I was slowly bringing the business somewhere, graduation nearly behind, I had kissed her, it wasn’t fireworks, it was a mix of confusion, yet I still adored her, how she resembled a pixie with her blonde dyed hair and obsession with fashion, how she seemed to always check on me and soon enough we got our own place. 

It’s not that we’ve even had ups and downs, sometimes we’d just distance ourselves from each other and ended up getting old in our own ways. Kate had embraced the life of a Republican wife and I still struggled, she disagreed with nearly everything, but she enjoyed the conventions, the bored wives as she’d still fight to teeth and bone on outfits and sometimes I’d wonder if she’d mean it and by the end of the day, she did, but she was enjoying herself and we seemed to love each other, just not in the way you’d ever want to be loved. 


And this ended up being 3k xD it was a bit over 2k and I wanted to write more so I kept it and this is what happened xD 

I started writing it back on blow job day as I was informed of it's existence and I ended up chucking it here first before Fellatio (the milex story which is very graphic xD) and yeah xD 

I dunno I kept discussing it with Callie how much I love Jamie's and Alex's relationship because usually I end up shipping them one way or another and that's usual their bond rather than a family bond, so I quite enjoy that and their whole jokes and puns xD 

And originally I was wondering if I should just do Jamie as someone whose first attraction to men would unravel in the story, but it ended up being unrealistic in my eyes for Jamie in this case and in general I've been musing a lot about Jamie and Brian, so he was chucked into this story and as usual they had broken up by the beginning of it, not that he wouldn't come back though xD I dunno, I'll see xD

The erection joke came after that paragraph was written actually xD please forgive me for I am very sleepy at the moment xD I don't know what to comment, I find it funny and I hope other people too, since this is the second chapter, so you've put up with my humor so yeah xD

The image of Jamie looking at his bruised lip seemed to stick to me and I was thinking to stick it in Canteen, but I ended up taking it here and it just seemed like a strong lingering image of a younger Jamie. The whole idea with the mirror is inspired by a paragraph I had written for Blue/Jacket regarding being trans and I just applied it to Jamie's situation, because being queer in gender or sexuality is fucking hard and sometimes you wonder why does society struggle so much to accept.

And I quite love Kate here and in general I love Kate and I always call her a pixie in conversation with Callie, so I used that because dunno I just always liked her and I'm sad that the topshop collection is ridiculously pricey and the quality isn't too good either, as we've got pretty much nearly item of clothing here in Sweden in Topshop for ridiculously even higher prices. Oh, well, I'll be waiting for the colored mascara. I just can't stand people who do nothing, so I'm quite happy that Kate is designing a bunch of stuff, coz she's really cool and I've been a fan since… she dated Pete? And yeah funnily enough I didn't like Jamie when she just started dating him and I was sulking wishing for her to reconcile with Pete xD

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did please tell me so:3



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