Monday, 31 March 2014

Settle A Quarrel 2

There’s this drive which keeps pulling me towards her, nudging me to get closer, some intense longing which seems to split my throat apart and it keeps getting worse if I get closer or if we don’t and when we break up again and again my head just buzzes and it doesn’t ease. It’s all different kinds of pain and they only soothe and let me go when I let her take over me and then we both ease, I know the feeling, it’s that split second after an orgasm when the moans are still just fresh out of the mouth, the body catching up on the relief and just before you collapse, just like your body doesn’t register death straight away
it doesn’t register that we’re not together,
that I’m not with her and that I slap her away with my own boundaries which she has helped me build and dragged me away from once Jack had left. 
I think the thing about love is that you can’t kill, passion is the poison or some fragile love which will crawl back and sting you but the thing is, it’s still dead,
it’s not the love which comes out when you see the person, it’s not the fear of seeing them which drowns you

it’s the fact that the tongue and mind will nag what the fuck is wrong with you
And it’s the guilt which I take from both sides. I don’t say anything to Kate smoking far too much as I try not to choose what to wear which ends up being ruffling the wardrobe far too much that Kate raises an eyebrow, walking past with Archie trailing behind. 
Anxiety rinses me as I pretend to go nowhere with Kate and once she’s gone, close to meeting time with Alison, I grab the clothes, brush my teeth twice without thinking and the thought of kissing her seems to linger which is odd, considering how many times we’ve both done it, but once it’s forbidden it becomes sacred and tempt to be broken. Archie had been taken with Lila to her dad, as I would stare at myself in the mirror, oddly recalling how we had looked, how our smilies grazed our faces, how much we had yelled at each other sometimes out of pure spite for ourselves, knowing that our yells would be locked safe, maybe because we knew each other too well, whispering secrets before passing out on the same bed in motels was the thing which had kept us apart. 
Eventually I hear the doorbell and Alison walks in with her heels against the floor and she keeps looking down as I don’t even say anything, knowing that we never even had a date before. I take out a box of cigarettes and she just nods, taking one, quickly lighting with her lighter as she walks outside and I don’t even offer her anything. Once I lock the door, she turns around maybe regretting not doing anything at the house and she just motions for me to get in the car. She strums her nails against the door, as I make my way. 
She takes a scarf out of her coat pocket and I just blink as she ties my eyes up.
“Okay.” I just say, waiting for some explanation, but instead Alison just pushes me in. I feel her put a seatbelt on me as she stops and strokes my face. What should be amusing is perhaps how we both keep our silence and how I feel her look at me and I just raise my eyebrows only to realize that they are also covered, so I just remain silent as I feel her hover, her fingers stroking my cheek down to my jaw, as if she believes that the blindfold would stop me from everything.
Eventually Alison leaves me to go to the front seat, driving out and I actually wonder where are we heading and I can only recall places I always see whenever I drive or walk, the same newsagents with the promotions, the porn magazines on the top believing that all children are short, which seems ironic with my height since sometimes I feel like the whole world is taller than me and heels just seem to give me some brief confidence. I try to think of the things I’d see, the wee pubs, clubs and stores but eventually I just start zoning out and I wonder if I should sleep and I actually hesitate if I should be worried, but I’m not, instead I slip in deeper into the seat and let the dark state stroke me with confidence in a episodic lover. 
"Is this supposed to be sexual?" I don’t smirk as Alison just puts the volume up. "Coz if it is why aren’t my hands tied?"
"That’s why it’s not sexual."
"Everything is sexual." I don’t add between me and you as if I were on an interview covering my footsteps in the water.
I still keep my silence after that, my thoughts wondering and I actually question myself why don’t I pull the blindfold off and I wonder if we’re out of London already due to the time and I just hope that I’ll be back soon, maybe the knowledge of the fact that not all will be unknown seems soothing, that at some point in time, I will know what’s going to happen, I will know Kate’s eye colour, Lila’s games with Archie and the fact that I will be woken up in the middle of the night either by the dog or the desire to smoke and both me and Archie will be united in a mutual need as we’ll just stroll around to see something not a lot of people see, a locked up hazed London. 
I don’t think that sexuality is fluid, it seems more of a switch as me and Alison would lay in bed, back before the first tour, in the small apartment, Alison’s hair growing and it had been when I think other people had known more about me, the jokes about me being gay far more matching than my own state as I had felt that I had started giving up on women, before Alison had stalked herself in my life and she had been everything opposite and the question of her gender identity seemed to intrigue me, even if she hadn’t properly addressed it herself, eyes closed and her wrist for me to stroke as I would watch her.
And then the stupidity for being attracted for something feminine comes in, looking when I am dragged out of the water I ask myself why do I sometimes become shallow, going either for something comically feminine to prove myself what?
The whole question and debate is only fueled by the fact that I am left alone with Alison steering the wheel and skipping through numerous songs and I wonder how many times had she checked on me, silently sitting. 
I still wrap my arms around and I wonder if she’ll throw a water bottle at me soon. 
There is something which pushes you away or maybe what you fear is something which you actually want to do, females seemed to be something I didn’t want to cling onto, yet Alison slipped in only to be followed by Kate who was always on all magazine with her blonde hair and innocent looks. I recall how I’d laugh saying how she was the most obvious choice for wanking material even if my mind was filled with a lot of different women sometimes, my sexuality being more of a switch, which had seemed to be broken. 
I don’t know why humanity needs to be attached to a strict view, that the man has to be this specific view on masculinity and the female of femininity and the fact that I happened to snag someone who is on it’s cover, makes me question and the fact that Alison is single doesn’t make it better. But only when I get asked what do I like about Kate and my own silence gives me away, the fact that she only listens shows that if she stops, that when the reason fades so will she become erased in my life. Yet I cling. But the problem is if to break, it’s not like she’ll stop exist and I’ll be known as her ex in bitter conversations about how men are wrong and even Kate, the face of femininity is queer herself. And that solves the question of femininity
it lays under a queer rock which society closed its eyes upon. Even the question of reproduction is a question itself. Yet I’m still with femininity not showing much struggle in the eyes of society. I end up ceasing to cause struggle. 
I think the fact that we go outside just shows how lonely we all are. 
Our own fear shows our fear of rejection as I feel Alison actually stop, twist the keys and I am guessing she leans her head back as I feel myself still clinging onto the blanket of sleep and I wonder how many hours had passed. Or if an hour had passed at all. I wait for her as she closes the door and I still hold from pulling the scarf off my eyes as she opens the door and I feel the sea and I wonder where the fuck are we. Alison unties my scarf and I keep my eyes closed as she just is turned backwards, cigarette lit. I don’t realize that anxiety seems to be far more deeper within her, troubling her, tossing her around, giving her the silence which is upon my lips as well. 
Maybe I had been harsh. I just walk up to her, we could be anywhere in England and I just get my own cigarette, as we both wait for something. I glance around as Alison just puts her hand on my arm and I turn around, both of us finally meeting each other’s eyes and that’s when we get called out. We both turn around and I see the odd castle-esque building as I keep shifting from watching the building and the blonde woman who approaches us. She shakes hands with Alison, smiling briefly and watches me. I apologize and introduce myself as she nods. 
I don’t brush Alison’s arm away as the blonde woman takes out some papers and a pen. Alison signs without reading and I do the same, as the woman just keeps watching us both and how Alison’s grip intensifies, her cigarette hanging from her lips, she’s not even inhaling anymore and I pray that the blonde woman is not the devil. Alison only inhales when the woman says she’ll park the car and then I just follow Alison who had also been given a set of keys, who had broken the touch and started heading towards the castle. I have far too much fun as we go past the gates with the small cemetery and I don’t even register the dates, lighting a second cigarette and feeling uncomfortable with throwing the old plainly in the castle’s territory. 
Once we get in and Alison locks the door, I wonder how much she knows and our thoughts linger before we can even look at the interior, before I question everything in my mind, the walls seem to give an illusion I believe to both of us that it’s ok to make out, instead Alison just takes her jacket off and offers to take my own. 
She just stands there and I recall how it had been before our first concert, how I had grabbed her, the idea of giving a bigger shock to numb the stage one was to kiss her twice, briefly when we had barely done anything, it had lasted longer indeed than it does now, but the shock had worked and it’s odd when you strip the other people of age and I still see her, hair much shorter, less make up and clumsier, younger, frightened yet ready to pull on the sweater of confidence which she had always done.

I just pull her briefly towards me and pat her on the back, an action she dislikes, so she just groans and pushes me away, a small smile still on her lips as we actually start looking around. For the insides it’s quite modern and had been refurbished and I wonder if there actually are any ghosts, but I don’t ask anything, both of us meeting each other’s eyes from while to while, not kicking off our shoes yet, making our heels more than audible. 
I dunno I really missed writing The Kills and I haven't really written a multi-chaptered story which I guess I want to keep updating frequently (but please feel free to poke me about the rest, they're just there coz I'm scared what if people don't want them xD like I'm itching to write the next chapter of Close xD anyway, I suck xD) so yeah. 
I don't think I've openly written Jamie as queer in my head and Alison as well, I guess I even write them quite queer, I always have but I just wanted to do it more this time, really. I've been musing a lot on them as usual really and yeah xD there's pretty much evidence all over of Jamie's queerness (I can't really go saying bisexual or pansexual as I'm not aware and yeah) and even then but eh, I'll just silently sit here saying that I can cover up myself with fanfiction, but fuck, let's be honest xD
It's all a lie if you say that your life doesn't influence your writing, it just seeps through you, really. I dunno I had this whole fuck this, they're all wankers who go for shallow women and etc, for the whole femininity, well, I don't think I'm different and I guess there are those things which nag to you, I guess that's where I got the Kate criticism because frankly if I were to be attracted heavily to women they were very queer, more closer to what you'd say a lesbian stereotype I guess, so that was odd and yeah, I guess that's where the parallel comes from, you just get attracted to something you're not and even on my most feminine days, I'm not really feminine at least not a lot so yeah, of course you tend to cling to something opposite to wish that it resembles you, when it never will. So I have no idea, as much as I love Kate Moss which I do, I don't get her and Jamie at all and I guess sometimes you just find resemblance between you and someone else, so yeah, I'm like jesus Jamie I get you, femininity is all lovely, but stop xD but his choice, I'm just here to sulk and do weird hand motions of what I want him and Alison to do. Or me.
The fact that they've known each other, you just look really at a person, like I look at Callie and I just sometimes grin recalling how she had looked years ago and yeah, I guess I pretty much took that into the story. 
I had trouble wondering where the fuck can Alison actually drag Jamie onto the date and I had a bunch of odd ideas but nothing seemed appealing enough and I kept thinking, musing and the idea that Alison could drive them off somewhere was the first milestone to this idea, which is still not properly described and I am quite anxious because I don't really have super humorous stories (well, yeah, I'm doing satire in Saints Preserve Us but xD) 
Also I wrote the sexual bit while I was on the street, just musing around, I write a lot on my iPhone on the street as now that I live in a new apartment the train rides are shorter and my brain doesn't actually turn off and I've written a lot, I think half a chapter of something was written like that xD 
The switch is me cheating, because that's how it kind of happens with me roughly, being genderfluid I am literally when male attracted to other males and when female attracted to other females so yeah. It's quite… yeah, like a switch. It's odd and nice, it's comforting to know or rather feel that I am not repressing my male side which I've always had and wished to be, really. I guess an odd fact is that nearly all of my stories even in my biggest suppressing moments was the fact that I'd still write feeling male, I'd just let it out because I wrote from a male's point of view so often and I hated and sometimes still do because I enjoy writing more male, dunno, I guess I'm a wanker sometimes xD I just like my male side writing and in general it's odd, I dunno where or how my fluidity goes because it changes so often yet some actions are stuck to male or female like writing is mostly male. I guess while art is female for instance, well sometimes, I don't know xD It's odd and yeah, it's nice to be myself, anyway onto the other Jamie xD
I was struggling because I don't like doing OCs actually (I think the only one would be Arabella in You're Not Coming Back Again which I enjoy from my own and I've used knowingly xD) and pretty much the woman was a toned down version of Marina Diamandis so yeah xD 
Patting on the back is something I always disliked which I guess a lot of guys would always do to me and I'd be like jesus, give me a fucking hug and stop with your concerns. xD
I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did and if you want onwards as I quite enjoy this and I've planned torture for both of them xD I promise it's funny (to me at least xD) XD

Monday, 24 March 2014

To Miles 28

(Hince's p.o.v. and flashback from the drag show)

I glance around just to see that everyone is slowly actually bringing themselves to the canteen and I wonder what else could they be doing for the day. So all I do is I open the book, Fathers and Sons being the choice, skipping a few pages forward and I light a cigarette not particularly interested in Bazarov’s love line, waiting for Brian and I see a few sailors avoid my glance and I just sigh, a bit irritated and inhale, watching the stage. 

Brian eventually comes, apologizing a few times and with a wide smile, but I don’t raise my eyes until he actually takes my shoulder. He pats it and I don’t flinch, irritating him and eventually he shakes me lightly. I hand him a cigarette and Brian smirks at my facial expression. I quickly roll my eyes. I’m far too grumpy and I just wait for Miles to dance right in front of my face. I lift up the book and chewing on the cigarette I try to ignore jumpy second in charge.

“Sweetheart wrote to me.” He chips into my thoughts and I just reread the paragraph the second time.

“What did sweetheart say?” I ask, making sure I don’t use any pronoun because I don’t really want anyone to know about Brian fucking Stefan on shore, who is also in the navy, being an assistant to an admiral. And he’s a lovely lad, just every time Brian drags me out I have to see them together and that is something far beyond my interest. Alison loves them both though so in the end I just feel alienated. Sometimes even if I feel alienated from Alison and soon enough I’ll be alienated from my own child. I daze out too much on Brian’s retelling of the letter as I just see Pete and Carl with Julian show up and when Miles goes on stage, Brian shuts up for a while and I just wish the lights were enough for me to read, but he glances at me.

And I’m alone in the room, yanked away and being fed poison as usual. 

I watch him until Alex gets onstage.

I let my eyes rest on the younger gunner, how nervous he is and he avoids my gaze and I can’t blame him. I keep looking at him, he seems to be flirting with my own sanity as I don’t deny how attractive he is and he even seems picture perfect for the job and he resembles Miles which seems to be pulling me away, yanking me and at the same time tugging me towards him. 

“Turner’s quite good looking though.” Brian nudges me and I don’t need to hear anything as Brian just seems to believe that there is a man for every man and I just do a shooing motion, smirking. He offers me another cigarette and I watch Turner, excusing myself that I want to avoid the former lover. 

It becomes ironic when Miles and Alex dance together, I keep inhaling, the book firmly in my hands and both of them have ridiculous make up, something which my friend Karen would hiss at, but she’s not here and I wish I could see her face.

She’d make sure I wouldn’t glance at Miles, but she’s not here and my thoughts linger far too much. 

I watch Miles rub off the lipstick and we catch each other’s glances. We hold our gaze as Julian sings and I just let the darkness be my transparent fabric and I watch him, something I try to avoid every day, making sure that I’m the earliest in the canteen and always with a novel or Brian. That’s why I read so much, just to immerse myself far too much, to avoid him, since he doesn’t need me I at least need to fake that I don’t.

But I still manage a crooked smile, before he links hands with Turner.

And I notice the way Turner looks at him.


Lost in love.

I play with the cigarette box. 

I feel myself freeze far too much. 

I glance as if to check if I am the only one who noticed, but instead I am left alone with my thoughts as the lights are turned on. I wave to Turner, but instead Miles catches my eye. Miles catches Turner’s eyes as well. I stop and they both head off, I am left with Brian who keeps talking about the drag show and I hadn’t even noticed that I laughed, that other people laughed, Miles just opening old wounds where both me and him would just drive off somewhere and he’d rub the guilt off my lips. 

But the thing is, the guilt has spread, cracking and no longer a tingling feeling of sensation but rather despair. I don’t feel too comfortable and once me and Brian head back to mine’s where I hesitate with opening something to drink Brian holds his silence for a while before asking me what’s wrong and I just shrug, opening the drawer and getting a new box of cigarettes. I stop to glance at my desk, recalling how much I had wanted to put a photo of me and Miles but never did and never will apparently. 

“We got told to slow down and meet a merchant ship on the way.” And that is pretty much the only phrase which is exchanged between us about the actual ship affairs. I just nod, inhaling, trying to wish that my mind was more blurred and the thought of the illusion of being drunk seems tempting. 

“Yeah, just tell them to slow down, then.” I shrug and Brian still excuses himself formally. I sigh and I lock the door, taking off my hat, walking around my room for a while, wondering what the fuck was actually happening in the canteen and the fact of Miles and Turner seems to linger far too much in my mind. In the end I open the bottle, not tempted to even continue Fathers and Sons. It’s not bad, just that I really don’t want to read about love and my mind seems to be too clogged with thought and sometimes I just don’t want anyone around. 

I take out Alison’s last letter, making sure that I have a new cigarette in my mouth as I open the letter, rereading it, now cigarette in hand, letting my own alienation take me over. She attached a photo of us back when I was on shore and I smile briefly. In the end I take my time replying, thinking of her how most likely she’d be doing the last fortune telling before bed, maybe cursing that the cards are fooling her. I recall when we had just started dating and her cards seemed to be declining answers and she had gotten cranky, prayed and something had straightened out then.

I never really believed in God even if I had been in a religious school, it just seemed like an excuse to make attraction to men far more daring. 

Eventually when I write her about Brian, the drag show and how much I miss her, my thoughts wander to the fact that we’ve both been distant and it’s not even that I see her rarely, it’s the fact that I’ve been with Miles when I was with her for so long and ever since Miles left it had been hard. Specifically when he decides to visit Alison and we avoid each other, Alison just trying to get something out of us and I’d just smirk saying rank conflicts and she’d leave it at that, maybe thinking to ask her brother instead. 

But he feels toxic, even when he’s over at ours I never let my eyes linger on him for far too long to notice how much we’ve both changed over the years. How much we’ve grown apart and how long has it been since I’ve kissed his lips and held him within my arms and let him take me over, do as he pleases just to throw me out. 

In the end I just leave my room, sometimes wishing that I’d have a private bathroom, hands in pockets, dodging already drunk men who try to sober up, but I realize that tonight is not the night. The bathroom isn’t far too quiet and I have to wait in queue. As I stand the one who comes behind me is Miles. 

I don’t dare to turn around and I just fidget, desperation reaching it’s toll as I quickly glance at him and without thinking we both give a small smile and I just head to the stall. I take my time, I don’t even do anything, I just sit and press my head against the wall, feeling claustrophobic and betrayed far too long. When I exit Miles waits there and I just let myself wonder for a while as he keeps looking at me.

I shouldn’t have looked on him as he performed is my only thought as I keep washing my hands. Miles mimics me the only odd thing between us is his attire with the odd gown. 

He keeps destroying me in silence, everything we’ve done always going around in my head even if I don’t want him anymore, he just keeps tugging at me. In the end, I leave, my whole body aching as I see a very faint Alex sitting near my door. I quickly glance back to see no one and I help the poor sailor up. 

“You do know that in Portugal they have this bizarre tradition, where the bridesmaids dress up as the bride to chase away the evil spirits?” I ask as I keep looking at his white handmade gown and I just can see Karen ranting at it even if the stitches don’t seem to be off. I pull him up. I don’t say anything as I help him up and he keeps looking at me and I try to relax as he looks at me. I think I’ve been alone too long and I try to break the eye contact. 

I am thankful that I can smoke and I stretch out the cigarette box as soon as I can, the bride analogy in my head due to his veil of innocence which you can never see in young men, you can never guess what they’ve done or what slips in their minds, it’s something I’ve tried to guess with Miles, I would have never guessed that all this time he just wanted to pin me down and make love to me.

The slip burns my fingers and mind and I just inhale, starting the conversation with Turner as I ask him who was it this time.  notice him pay attanetion to the Turgenev book I’m reading and I just keep my silence. 

I don’t tell him that love destroys you, that sometimes I reread the books which I’ve read with Miles with his head on my lap or the poetry I’d read aloud, there had even been a while when I couldn’t write anything, my entire world collapsed, I couldn’t do anything and Brian was the only one who sat besides me, patting my head saying that it would take me years to get rid of the lover damaging my head, that it would keep going in circles and circles and the fact that I had my own gun wasn’t better, the fact that I could just chuck the captain’s hat away and dunk deep down below, the thought of suicide always on the tip of the tongue, but never the motive or the courage, just the memories which I wanted to get rid off.

He was the thing I regretted the most because everything else was done for a purpose, Miles was done for his own amusement apparently. So I guess if I were to regret something that would be letting myself get dissolved in someone else’s cup. 

Alex tells me it’s a good book and he glances at me, rinsing me with something new and I just shift my eyes back to the novel. The gunner rubs off the lipstick off his lips and I just watch him, silently, trying to turn myself off and the fact that turning off the lights would maybe stop from seeing his silhoutte wouldn’t stop my longing for someone else. 

We start discussing and when Turner tells me that Bazarov dies, I feel a bit stung and I feel sorry for the poor lad, so I just bite my lip. I see Turner, I see him far too well and he seems like he has the blind love I once had for Miles and he resembles Miles too much, even in motion and the fact that he is Miles’ age when we had broken up doesn’t make anything easier or how he talks, his accent. I just sit back down, inhaling and I quickly glance at him paling, but I quickly open the book.

I flick to the ending, a few pages before, I see that Bazarov is dead though and I skim through his confession, the whole scene which I recall saying that the book had been written for the ending and I stop for a while, wondering but I yank myself out of those thoughts. I call Bazarov a moron as I start looking for my nail file, trying to ease myself, keep myself to myself, nothing for Turner or anyone else to see. 

He keeps reporting men, something Miles hadn’t done. 

He keeps doing his job, like a better version of Miles who goofed off far too much and ran away with Jay in the end. I try to shoo it away from my mind, letting the lump in my throat just be there as I file harder, making sure that Alex doesn’t see anything or how I steal glances at him, wondering what else is there to him since he knows his literature probably more than I do and I wonder how much has he read, who had he kissed and who had there been before Miles. Miles barely fucking read. 

I feel like doing havoc sometimes and the fact that Turner is pale, makes me push him harder with the idea that he could bring Miles even if I know that he won’t, the idea still seduces me and I keep filing the nails, making sure that my voice doesn’t shake even if I’m scared of myself. 

I suggest him the idea of getting rid of the queers, which is pretty much getting rid of everyone and as I keep talking I try to avoid him even if I glance at him briefly to still show interest and determination, keeping up the act together, always yelling at sailors just because that’s how you keep discipline in the navy and you sit alone at lunch with a book as everyone else decides who to fuck and I just get either my wife or when my longing takes over I’d just head to a gay bar, bothering with appearance for once and downing my guilt with the thought that Alison is just as faithful as I had been during our marriage. 

He makes me snap out of it, as I see all colour drain from his cheeks, I drop the nail file, stand up and I grab hold of him as I sit him in my chair, Alex nearly passing out and I get water from a jug which I had taken earlier from the kitchen, not thinking as I splash water on him, leaning down face level and I press my fingers against his forehead, he’s far too cold. I let my finger rest as I feel him open his dark eyes and they seem like a crooked reflection of Miles’, but I keep looking at him, feeling myself lost but not within myself again. 

Alex keeps mumbling as I still stay within character, more than sure that my actions have spoken far too much for themselves and I see him palen. If I wasn’t an asshole I’d leave him here but as soon as he gets back to his senses I kick him out, when I’m sure that he won’t collapse and I tell him to rest up. When he leaves I realize that I don’t even know where he sleeps, I know his turret and that’s it. I’ve just seen his file because Brian had given it to me and I had looked at his photo, a small smile managed to sneak it’s way in and I had shown him to Brian, saying guess who’s the new queer. 

I should go kick out Father Ezra, the rumors had been traveling about him up to Brian and I had told him that our queer spy would take him over soon and he did. I sat musing for a while, smoking until I heard knocking and I open it, figuring that Alex might be back and I wonder if he needs some medication and I wonder if I should go wake up someone else I didn’t really have anything on me but once I open up, I see him.

Miles is just standing there. 

I try to close the door, instead he just nods.

“What?” I ask, my voice breaking.

“Can I come in, Captain Hince?” He asks, trying to hold the smirk in his voice and he had changed from the odd gown, his face holding a small smile, intrigue in his voice as he rolls the dice. I could tell him to go away, but I don’t want to discuss it here. My hands tremble as I motion him in and I walk to the desk, taking the box of cigarettes still shaking as I try to light the cigarette calmly, I never hold myself in front of the younger man, it makes it worse that we had known each other for many years and I feel my fingers shake as I put the cigarette between my lips. 

I give in far too easily as I inhale slowly, closing my eyes hoping that the dream turned nightmare would flee by itself leaving me in a state of slumber. Miles’ doesn’t as I feel his breathing on my neck and I just bite my lips with the cigarrete wondering what’s worse to look at, the wall or nothing. I feel his hands around me, the feeling which had seemed to be a ghost to me before is real and my tension flirts with relaxation, as my breath is released from holding too long, the longing seeming to give one last howl as I am blindfolded with the fact that he’s here my mind entirely turning off as I turn around and his mouth is on my own. 

It’s odd to think that he had been smaller than me, how much we’ve been through and all of a sudden everything had been ripped apart and how easily everything seems to be stitched together. I push myself apart, trying to reason but my mind is entirely turned off as he sticks his hand down my pants and I just moan as his mouth is on my neck, he starts stroking me, quickly glancing at me before going on his knees.

Miles pushes me onto the table and I recall that this had been done when I had just been captain and he keeps stroking me before taking me in his mouth and I gasp, a bit too loudly as I push his head to take me in deeper as he digs his nails into my hips. 

I don’t hold, breathing hard and I am far too near so I grab Miles and I try to hold him down, as he just pushes me out and grins at me. He stands up and pulls me by the chin, I know how broken I am, gasping, fully turned on and ruined both in his and mine eyes.

“Is that all, Kane?” I snap lightly, barely catching my breath, I don’t touch myself, I don;t touch him, I lean against the desk, my hands shaking from excitement. 

“No, James, no.” The blood rushes a bit from my face and Miles just kisses me once, pulling all of my clothes off, taking his off and I watch him. He hadn’t called me James in years, everyone adapting Jamie besides Karen who would still call me James when I had offered her to call me James so that we’d both get used to different names. Everyone calling me James when irritated or just to spice it up for some odd friendly reason. 

He takes my hat off, pulling me closer, dragging his nails down my spine, causing me to shiver. 

Miles smirks, not kissing me yet blowing hot air on me and he turns around to the bed. And goes on fours.

“Are you going to fuck me or not, James?” 

My mind goes blank and I position myself behind him, holding him by the neck, pulling him closer to me so I can lick his lips as I thrust inside. Miles gasps, moaning as I see his grasp the sheets beneath us as I start thrusting inside him slower and slower, getting one hand to stroke Miles harshly and he starts moaning louder. I slow down, but Miles holds from beginning and I start thrusting in and out, slower, watching him by pulling him back.
He grins at me, flushed. 

“Fuck you.” He mutters. “Fuck me harder.”

And I do, holding him tighter as I keep thrusting harder with Miles’ moans, stroking him hard as I am near, but I keep holding until I feel the younger man start to give in and he comes in my hand, nearly screaming but he holds himself on the last minute and I don’t hold thrusting deep and feeling myself get over the edge as I slam myself one last time inside him as we both fall onto the bed and once the orgasm is over, the fireworks gone, I get scared of the smoke.

I roll over breathing heavily as I look at the ceiling, terrified, orgasm still giving it’s last shivers in my body, my breath still gone. 

“Is this a good enough coda?” Miles breathes out, making sure not to face me. I blink, coughing as I can’t help but look at him, the bliss shattering even more.

“What?” My lips start shaking and I feel cold. Miles sits up and looks at me. 

“Didn’t you choose Alison?” He keeps my silence as I sit up and I try to see something else other than anger in his eyes. “So why do you keep looking at me, like on the drag show? I thought you were over this.”

I open my mouth to say something but instead Miles leans closer and I am paralyzed again, a fool to his touch, my need expanding for years and desperation and lack of him in these past years fooling with my mind, my desires teeming finally, but I don’t move but all my body and my lips and my eyes all betray me.

“Stop this then.” He mutters, his own voice low. I don’t tell him that he came in, instead I just stand up and I grab my clothing, hesitating before I grab his, my whole body shaking.

“You came in for a casual fuck.” I snap and I throw it at him, grabbing the box of cigarette as I light one, nearly stretching the box out to him, an old habit I thought had died off, but nothing did and I feel misery strike me, the light sucked out of me as I look at Miles. 

Despair taking over me. 

I can’t say anything.

I just point towards the door, holding my own tears, my whole body shaking. 

“You broke up with me.”

“You chose Alison.” 

As soon as he dresses, I push him out, lock the door, ignore the one knock and I slip down on the floor, not even able to smoke the cigarette, my whole body shaking, feeling used as I just go back to bed knowing what havoc I could wreck, a lover for a lover. A lover turns down on a lover. 

My dreams are far too bitter, like the person I try to be sometimes when I yell at sailors -

Turner dances in my mind with the bright lipstick and I fall too much, tripping in the dream as I watch Turner sit besides me, grinning, lipstick all smudged as we sit in the dark.


I was actually rereading To Miles and I saw the sudden shift in Hince, which kind of you don't notice due to Alex's terrified state and I pretty much was thinking how to explain it because when you reread it, well, Hince would've explained it either way, but it seemed better to actually write this piece entirely through Jamie's eyes and it was intended to be a on-shot but then I realized why can't it actually be a chapter because well, it's needed in the story really xD

It was awfully nice to write it from Jamie's point of view, his insight and kind of see Alex through someone else's eyes and when I was rereading I didn't really notice how there had been some odd tender moments between them in the beginning and then the shift happens, so yeah. 

Also Brian doesn't really show up in the story a lot, while here he actually does. So it was nice to show a character which is pretty much in the back all the time, working really xD 

Also I dunno, it's pretty much seeing Hince in a different light rather than someone else, his alienation which I didn't realize seems more close to me and I didn't realize how different Alex was, as he is far more social than I am and haha if there ever will be a quiz I think I'll pretty much end up being Jamie xD (Jamie ended up being Jamie, this is odd having similar names xD) 

Of course Turner and as everyone with that position where also chosen for their looks, something which would surely attract gay men and that isn't really seen a lot through Alex's own eyes or conversations. 

It's also quite interesting to watch this through Hince's eyes as he pretty much just is trying out his attraction with Alex, so it's more of watching a death and birth dance when it comes to Alex and Miles. 

It's more of a circle rather than a triangle when it comes to those three, all of them shifting from hero to villain and forth. Specifically when Jamie notices Alex's feeling towards Miles and yeah, I think the one shot pretty much explains Jamie's intentions onwards. 

I pretty much didn't want to type the entire conversation so this is what had happened and it's interesting to write that scene without Alex's fear and Jamie really holding back and in general the fact that he sits him down was kind of one of those cracks which leads up to both of them to this day really (haha in the story I mean xD)

This is me being a freak, but the whole feeling of wrecking havoc is pretty much a feeling which both Hince and Alex feel and well, if we're going by love and similarities I dunno this is kind of that one bad feeling they both have and when I think of wrecking havoc I always kind of recall Fight Club, the movie, which is funny because I was really sceptic of watching it and in the end we watched it in class and I had fallen in love with it, because just like society gets the wrong message of A Clockwork Orange so does society obsess over Tyler, so yeah. Anyway, when I think of wrecking havoc I just get Edward Norton beating up Jared Leto (haha, fuck you Leto) in the movie, so it's kind of that feeling and idea, I guess. 

Both of them wreck havoc, Jamie and Alex in their own ways. 

Miles was pretty much essential and them fucking, I recall talking to Callie about it and she was all, wait, THEY'RE GONNA FUCK and I was like, um, duh? xD 

I don't think I have much to tell as I pretty much laid Jamie in front of everyone to observe and see, really. He's broken and what the fuck is Miles doing is beyond me xD

So yeah. The story goes on and will resume from Alex's point of view, which I missed while writing this thing, and don't forget this chapter is 4k XD tell me you love me for it haha xD 

The actual kind of coda to this chapter is actually Alex in Jamie's dream, pretty much something to soothe him with and I had dreams with Callie when we weren't dating and they were quite loving, so yeah.

I pretty much ship Hince and Alex and I think that's more than obvious but they're not the only ship in the story so yeah and there's still a lot to go and there's a lot of Miles. 

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did, as I was very anxious writing this thing and yeah I wrote 4k in two days xD So please tell me if you enjoyed it and feel free to request the next chapter :3 


To Miles 29

Thursday, 20 March 2014


The lines start to blur and when they do, that’s when the mind starts messing things up for me. When I feel like I’m falling and that I will only see Miles from a distance and sometimes I look far too much especially when he can’t hold his alcohol anymore and he just looks at anything far too long and could suddenly crack a joke before actually laughing, waiting for my reaction and he gets off laughing from me and I do so from him. 

And sex jokes and light hints seem to be the pleasure I ever seem to be getting and somehow I wish every touch Miles does on stage would be intertwined with desire and I keep watching him as he talks and I don’t even register wishing that I could feel his fingers traveling through my hair, down on my neck.

“Al?” Lower, tugging the hem of my shirt down before he goes back to being over the fabric until he pulls it off. I can see him tracing now his fingers on my chest, grinning lifting his hand up to cup my cheek, his grin now wider before he closes his eyes, letting himself immerse within me as he’d kiss me. 

“Al?” I take another sip and I watch Miles who seems to be struggling with his state of alcohol in his blood as he actually lifts himself up. “D’you know we both skipped blow job day?”

“No?” I smirk, still having Miles kissing my neck in my mind. 

“Well, we both better get someone then.” Miles says and he actually starts looking around and I’m guessing that it’s due to the cigarette box which is literally behind me. I take it and I wait for Miles to realize that it’s in my hands, some odd metaphor and I wait for Miles to look at me and I start getting a bit annoyed even when he stands up and looks under the couch. I want to kiss the back of his head, pull him closer by the neck, feel his smell , his warmth in my arms as different images seem to dance in my head. 

In the end he notices as I am clearly holding the pack and I squeeze it lightly, causing Miles to take the lighter which is right next to me, he stretches his arm but I pull a bit back and Miles drunkenly leans a bit closer. 

I hold hard not to close my eyes suggestively as his breath is upon mine.

“Congratulate me, then.” 

“With what?” He smirks and doesn’t flinch. We’ve been so close, so many times and he has even hugged me while ruffling my hair and even bit my neck once just to stash it with a laugh, we both did, but my alcohol went wrong today, I feel even a bit grumpy, I don’t know who to blame my anger on and I just stay still. I wonder how long will his need for nicotine keep him at this short distance. I blow air on him, causing both of us to flinch lightly, but holding up just like any day of treating ourselves but never eating the feast. 

“Blow job day.” I say a bit too flatly wondering where I’m I even heading to and Miles starts laughing out loud before he points at my chest, poking me and still laughing before hastily kissing me on the lips. It happens far too brief and far too fast that I don’t even register how his mouth is on my neck.

“Sure, Alex, I’ll congratulate you.” I feel my whole neck and body burning and all I have to left is to pray that he is not taking the piss as I already feel myself hard as he starts biting my neck, harder than that one time I frankly touch myself too and I just press myself harder against the couch. Miles raises his eyes to glance at me, some odd twisted victorious face plastered on him and I wonder what is he celebrating as he strokes me over the fabric, 

the thing is desire tortures and consumes you and only when you reach (achieve in some minds) love then you will get nourished and both lovers sit, healing from the fight. Somehow I feel that this love is a fight with myself when I have surrendered myself and my common sense and the fact that I am bottled up in my beliefs that nothing will happen make me feel as if I am kissing air instead of Miles’ soft lips. 

I can’t dare myself to say anything and I just feel guilty of wishing that the alcohol won’t give the excuse of both of us avoiding each other in the morning, but his touch electrifies me as actually starts tugging my shirt up before fooling me and he breaks the kiss to undo my jeans. 

I stop breathing, it feels like I have as I watch him with a very satisfied grin, that he had caught me red handed or rather with a big hard on as he touches the tip of my cock with his index finger and I gasp, my face red from desire and embarrassment, sex opens you up, it shows how much time you’ve been wanking to them

Miles pulls my underwear down, my shirt sliding down and I find the courage to pull him back into a kiss but he breaks it and once I open my eyes he blows on my cock and I just close my eyes shut, the image far too surreal as I feel his lips rub against the shaft, slowly kiss it up, he parts his lips and licks the underline roughly, making me shiver as I hold onto the rug, the floor underneath me seems to collapse and I press my head harder against the sofa, my whole body gone besides my cock which seems to be very much fucking alive from Miles’ touch. 

I keep clutching the fucking rug as Miles stops and I open my eyes to see his drunken grin and once he catches my eye he takes solely the tip in his mouth and I moan, closing my eyes again as he starts sucking lightly and I hold from thrusting in, biting my lips, far too embarrassed to moan as he keeps sucking and he slowly starts taking more, slowly taking me in and out of his mouth and he strokes my shaft with his fingers with one hand, the other caressing my thigh as he takes more and more.

I don’t hold and I lightly thrust in his mouth and I don’t see any protest from Miles so I don’t hold and I hold his head as he keeps sucking and I keep thrusting lightly, as he keeps sucking. I keep thrusting harder and harder, now my moans more than audible. I hear a zipper and I open my eyes to see Miles stroking himself and I feel myself get even more excited as Miles takes me out of his mouth and he starts teasing me by just licking my cock all over and I lean my head back, breathing really hard as he slows down on his own strokes then he takes me into his mouth entirely and starts booming me quite fast and I grab hold of his hair, pushing him to take much more of me as much as he can and I open my eyes to see him stroking himself quite fast and I see that he’s near as well and he goes even faster and that’s when I don’t hold. I hold his head tight and as deep as possible as I give out a final thrust before coming in Miles’ mouth, I gasp, moaning loudly, feeling Miles shiver and give a very muffled moan himself as I release my grip and he coughs lightly, pushing himself up.

I can’t catch my breath and neither can Miles.

We look at each other.

We both seem to crack smiles before actually giving out a small laugh.

We are far too mirrored sometimes. 

I smirk at his sticky hand and I take his hand before taking it in my mouth and I suck on his fingers, Miles pressing himself against me as I stop and I kiss the top of his head as he crawls in my lap. The faint curtain of fear seems to be fully dismantled.

“Happy late blow job day, Al.” Miles grins, both of us still avoiding each other’s eye. 


For Millie :D :D :D

I was tired and ill, but I really wanted to get it done, so yeah:3 

I was pretty much writing this and it ended up being quite long and I hope it was graphic enough xD I tried to be as graphic as possible :D and yeah, happy late bj day XD 

I had the thought that this would be set around the TLSP era the latest even if it's not mentioned and yeah :3

The poetic bit in the middle was because I had watched Howl with James Franco (who I have a heavy on and off relationship I either love him or hate him entirely xD and he's pretty queer no doubt and basically in Howl he was amazing and I don't think I've seen such a great portrayal of Ginsberg :O even if the movie's CGI straight couples made me cringe) so that came out xD

I just wanted the whole sex before actually dating thing going on here so yeah :O

anyway, I hope it was sexy and great? xD

The title was chosen pretty much for the straight forwardness so yeah xD

If you ever want something or you feel down just poke me and I'll get something up if I can :) 

Hope you enjoyed this and there should be a new chapter of To Miles soon :O



Wednesday, 19 March 2014

To Miles 27

“Miles is a null memory until anger strikes me.” Hince pauses for a while as we both sit next to the window, it’s very dark and the stars can be seen if I forget about the light in the room. It’s natural progression to talk of previous loves and I feel odd for having a calm love rather than something with such a strong force to either kill myself or the lover, besides the fact that I long being with him. I had given up and it’s been a while anyway since we’ve started sleeping with each other, even if love had finally explained itself to us. We share a cigarette, some odd connection so we smoke two and sometimes he blows smoke in my face before I kiss him briefly, but we need this out of our system. 

Miles later that night had caught me in the bathroom, already with a cigarette and had motioned me to follow him, for a brief second I had a feeling it would be the orlop but it wasn’t, Jamie had been waiting for me but I realized that with Miles it wasn’t the wisest idea and we had headed out and it had started to get a bit chilly, so the offer of a cigarette was hard to refuse. I hugged myself, keeping my distance as Kane watched me.

“Jamie always says it was ten. Well, for him it was ten.” He swallow and exhales, finishing the cigarette and throwing it off board. “It was eleven. I had fallen for him a year earlier. I had heard that he was bisexual, Alison knew.”

He pauses.

“I know Alison’s your sister.” I say, wanting to get the fuck out, but I still listen, not sure if I actually want to hear his side of the story. Miles doesn’t ease.

“How long have you been fucking Jamie?” He lights another cigarette and I see the same shadow which goes through Jamie’s eyes go through his, some old bitter jealousy only in Jamie’s mind it’s always intertwined with pain and something so twisted and numb from all the pain it has caused. 

“I don’t think that’s any of your business, Kane.” I mutter, playing with the cigarette in my fingers, starting to get cold, Miles notices me shaking, but doesn’t do anything. The cigarette was offered already and taken. 

“Anyway. So it was kind of the whole word that Alison had this boyfriend who was known for being a bit too queer and who was in the navy. She had fallen for him so she dragged him home, c’mon, of course Jamie would do a great impression with this literature knowledge and dunno, parents just swallowed it, who knows. They married.” He pauses. “He really hung around me, wanting to get on my good side and he’d tell me about the ships.”

Miles really keeps his pause here. 

“I asked him if he still fucked other men, he just shook his head, a bit confused and I don’t know why the confusion and the look he had for Alison, made me jealous I guess. Or...” Miles just pauses and keeps silent. “I don’t know, there was too much about him. He was really queer, I’ve never known anyone queer.” 

“Why did you tell me about “Ian” then?” I snap, a bit too cold and my teeth chattering. 

“So what I should’ve told you I was fucking Jamie and that his wife was my sister?” Miles snaps back, but holds. I quickly look down, shaking even much more, you can see through people, what makes them shine, what cuts them through and I know it’s me for Miles and that’s not something I had wanted to see or even believe in. Miles just keeps looking at me and shrugs, the stone long cut before I even headed upstairs to Hince for the first time. Miles is ahead on this one if we think of time rather than performance. 

“Why the fuck not? I told you about Matt, didn’t I?” I snap at him, still shivering and wishing I had taken anything with me, but it’s too late and both me and Miles want to get this over with to understand if we step over this holding hands or not and as I listen to him, I have some dumb hope which I really want to shrug off and I just want to go back to Jamie’s arms and lay there, maybe we’d get something to drink and eventually fall asleep as we’d discuss something which had been lingering in his mind or we’d close the chapter on Miles after I’d hear his side. I was actually excited to hear Jamie’s past, even if it had been painful and I wondered how exactly had he looked all those years ago and what queer things had he done, who he had known and who had he kissed once in a gay bar. 

“Well, you didn’t fall in love with someone who was eleven years older than you at age fifteen, did you?” I calculate Hince’s age in my head and I just hug myself tighter, not even smoking anymore.

“I had fallen in love with my sister’s fiancĂ©. He was the one who had first taken me to gay bars.” Miles’ lips are trembling. I just keep watching. I don’t think I even want to know his story as I recall Hince’s bitterness towards Miles, while Miles just showed coldness, it wasn’t hard to figure out who had broken who. So looking at his trembling lip was something I didn’t seem interested in even if I was biased and my empathy kept rocking my cradle around as I would see him or be nulled by sleep. 

“Why did you leave him if you loved him so much?” I snap and I actually want to make my way back. 

“Because I didn’t want to be second.” I feel both of us pause. “He would never leave Alison.” 

I blink.

Was that it?

I actually don’t hold and turn around, Miles puts his hand on my shoulder. 

“I don’t know when I had fallen with him, he’d pretty much start dating Alison. And once I had just stopped and said hi to him. He had been twenty five, supposedly quite good and he had been on shore for a while, so everyone kept giggling how determined he had been to win Alison’s attention.

On their date, once she had agreed, she had taken her deck of cards and she had fortune told him. Jamie always said that she had hidden a card from him, but Alison showed up on his cards along with a few he couldn’t identify and soon enough he had even forgotten the card. She had done a few things and they had been in the park, Alison had told me how he kept smoking and watching her. 

She always said that no one had ever been so tender with her and once she had asked him of his past, Alison said he had struggled for a brief while before Alison put out her cards and said that they had been fated, so he had nothing to fear. He had struggled, but still muttered how he had dated a few men and Alison just shrugged, saying that it was no big deal to her, as long as he had been faithful to her. 

Jamie had just blinked and said why the hell would he double-time her if he loved her. Alison said that it had been some small slip, but it’s odd, you know...” He pauses. I just listen, but I stare ahead. “That something is written in the cards. Was it all that bonded them?”

I just remain silent. 

“And they had started dating, Alison always receiving long letters from Jamie when he wasn’t on shore and once I had caught her reading it and I never really realized that Jamie wrote poems. He would always attach a poem to her. I got sad that I was sure that a woman would never write me them and I always asked Alison to let me read the poems, the letters were kept safe, but I’d always read the poems, she would read them out and then she’d start laughing recalling some daft memory of both of them together.” Miles darkens. “I really didn’t realize I had fallen in love with him until once Alison was getting ready and I had been sitting there with him and he had started asking me if I’ve ever read Kafka and I had said that I hadn’t.

He had just bought The Trial and he had given it to me instead. I really thought he wanted to get on my good side and looking back it’s an odd choice that it was kind of the first thing we had ever exchanged.” 

“Miles, I’m not interested.” I interrupt him finally, some odd jealousy burning within me as I have wished that it had been me who was given The Trial, I feel as if all of us have been blended and mixed up that I don’t know who had been where who is the lover and who is the traitor. I hold my breath for a while as I look at his lost eyes. I’ve never realized that there had been something he had lost which he had regretted and managed to fight with. If he had turned at the right time Hince would’ve forgiven him, but it was all long lost and Hince had no interest maybe besides doing another punch across the face.

“If you really had loved him it would be you instead of me in his arms, wouldn’t it?” I snap at him and Miles drops his arm from my shoulder. That’s when the veil of the bride is lifted up, Miles hectically starts lighting a new cigarette and the thought in his head is how come I was chosen instead of him and some bitter twisted envy starts growing in him as he keeps looking at me.

“You?” He snarls. I just stand for a while and I realize that I should leave for my own benefit and I am not interested in how he had lost Hince, I’m only interested in what the fuck had he done to Jamie. 

“Well, I don’t see you two fucking, do I?” And I turn around and I’m sure he’ll yell something and maybe I shouldn’t have said too much and I could see us all three on trial for obscenity, for homosexuality and being gay in the navy. I could see Hince just standing there, not looking at anyone, just aching for a cigarette and I could see Miles just standing there and I don’t feel sorry for him, I just wait for the trial to be over so that me and Jamie could exchange looks as we have a final cigarette before being separated. 

I get scared. 

I get scared of Miles’ words and I just storm into Hince’s room as he is reading Fathers and Sons again and he looks up at me with a smile, before he notices my concerned look on my face and he quickly stands up, locks the door and hesitates before hugging me.

“Hold on.” And he opens the closet to get out some bottle of wine. He gets glasses, all silent and just quickly glancing at me before he pours the liquid. Jamie waits for me to talk, but I don’t, before he opens his mouth I actually ask him.

“Do you still love Miles?” 

“No.” He says without flinching and then he lets his brain absorb the question and he sighs, giving a soft smile for the lack of emotions towards his other long lost lover. Hince takes a sip as we both each take a chair. I think I let him destroy me far too much as he keeps lingering in my thoughts like a parasite and the fact that I had never found out what the fuck had happened between them seems to torture me and I wonder what the fuck could’ve happened and I keep watching Hince, letting doubts crawl within me but somehow I don’t think he hurt Miles and the fact that the thing which Miles thought necessary to say was the fact that he had chosen Alison instead. But I still keep looking at Jamie, feeling a bit uneasy between two truths and Matt comes back to mind, before Jamie pours himself a glass and I realize that I had dazed away with Jamie waiting for me to say anything else.

“You just want to stop...” He flicks on the glass so that it makes a piercing sound, but he doesn’t flinch. “Because well, you just want it out of your system really.”

He pauses.

“It was odd, he kept lingering in my mind until recently.” He pauses on me. “I dunno, he was just always there, making me angry and for some odd reason I just...”

I keep looking at him and he finds the courage to look at me.

“Threw it on you with no reason.” He says, trying to keep the pauses as short and I keep looking at his green eyes. “That wasn’t personal... ever. That was... I guess when you’re angry you take it out on someone and you seemed to resemble Miles.”

“Thanks.” I chuckle darkly.

“You’re not. That’s the thing. It’s just the age. It was like a very bad metaphor. Getting back at someone, it’s as if you were the parallel to Miles.” He still comes back to talk in pauses and taking big gulps of wine and I wonder if he has anything stronger or if he’s stretching our soberness and just giving a small amount of placebo to believe that we are drunk when we are not. “But you’re not. Neither does Miles define me. Even if I’ve loved him for over ten years.”

Jamie gives a dark chuckle.

“One day you just wake up and it’s gone, not all of it, but most of it, the love, at least the bitter precipitation is the only thing left which pretty much should be dissolved by something else or you just throw it out eventually I guess.” He pours me some wine and I don’t even realize I had drank it.

“I just woke up one day and it had been after the first naval battle. Brian kept musing on it all night and even came to mine’s saying what if we would get caught up with this and I just sat there, saying that well we’ll have to fight back...” He smirks. “I had the idea of getting drunk for a brief moment, we both did, but we took the booze away and just stopped to go back to sleep, in the morning I puked out everything and the weird thing was...”

He starts drumming on the desk, as I watch his hands. I get distracted by too many things and I catch his eyes. 

“The only thought I had was that I want Miles out of my system.

And he was gone.

I was fed up. I forced everyone to mop the floors that day.” He smirks and I just roll my eyes and he feels lighter. I wonder if I should ask him about Miles, but instead he takes a swing from the bottle before pouring more and I just get my chair closer to his and Jamie smirks, grinning slightly before pulling me by the shoulder, stroking my cheek with his thumb and I still feel tense. He sees it and gives me a brief nourishing kiss which blinds me for a while. 

But then maybe it’s still not enough time to be given to throw away the remains of a long loved ill lasting relationship. 

We both get a cigarette lit by Jamie himself as he puts two and lights them each in his mouth, still watching and I look away, feeling a bit uneasy and he just passes me the cigarette. He slowly breathes out the smoke.

“Anything on your mind, Turner?” He says and for some reason that gives me a small smile, something oddly nostalgic as it has been a few months since we know each other and ease, wondering as we both still have our hats on and I take off mine, ruffling my hair as Jamie watches me inhale the cigarette, not removing it from my lips and I exhale. 

“It’s... odd. I don’t think he’s out of my system.” I mutter lightly, but enough for him to hear and understand. Jamie eases in his chair. 

“Well, he doesn’t have to y’know. Your puking will come, if you want it to.” He smirks as he holds the cigarette in his hand, now him removing his hat and we’re still in attire, looking far too official and I want to see him in something less formal, hair not too neatly done and just a tint of grumpiness even if I had managed to get attracted to him when he’d just lift his eyes off his book and call me m’boy again. He smirks, before adding. “Turner.”

I take his hat off the table and I put it on, smirking.

“Captain Hince.” I say, Jamie pats me on the head. 

“You look terrible in it.” We both laugh, grinning at this obscure staircase of nostalgia, as he leans to take it off and I pull him by the collar and he stops and looks down on me, not moving, before I lean in to kiss him, feeling myself dissolve entirely and Jamie as well. 


I think I've pretty much told everyone how much team Hincey I am, haha xD But that in no way means that I've forgotten about the plot and what is going on, but yeah Jamie pretty much has fought his way in and changed a bit of the course of the story dramatically kind of? XD

Somehow both of these fuckers, Hince and Miles keep delaying the back story even if I have a rough draft in my head of what is going on, but either way a lot is actually explained in this chapter :3 

And dun dun dun, there was no Ian all along :\ which is odd because when I was writing about "Ian" I was like ooooh, I like how I even stuck Ian Curtis here xD 

I dunno, like Miles fucked up real badly and pretty much all characters went through massive development which I wash;t even aware of. I mean, Matt was supposed to be just Alex's one kiss time friend, Julian was actually supposed to be sent away instead of Cookie XD, Jamie was supposed to be the annoying incompetent captain obsessed with Russian literature, Miles was supposed to be the hero of the story and in general everyone had changed and also there's more characters to come which will become regulars in part two or even characters who will keep showing up :)

Using Kafka was something which for some odd reason when I was a teenager was something no one around me had managed to for some fucking reason read and it was always like, wow, she reads Kafka and etc, so for some reason it was always an awe that Kafka is/was my favourite writer. The Trial is one of my favourite works and I even felt a bit like cheating by pretty much without a lot of thinking just giving Jamie Kafka xD 

I dunno, this whole chapter and in general it's funny how the title To Miles seems to have an ironic ring to it since both Hince and Al have suffered from Miles and have seem to have bonded. 

The more the story goes deeper the more I feel like I identify with Hince and his bitterness towards Miles, sometimes you just lose faith in people, it just dies off, as if nothing had ever happened and they're crossed out that's it. There's not even something left at the bottom, so it was a bit odd to try and write Alex who still has feelings for Miles when I'm more of a Hince, puke it out an you're good xD 

I was talking to Callie about what Hince had done to Alex and pretty much the word metaphor sprouted in my head and in general I always have this debate about Hince in my head and I guess that's what makes him complex and beautiful in my eyes, we have all hurt those who we love in a way or another, just some ways are more forgivable than others I guess and some end up being metaphors, but I am cruel sometimes so yeah. 

It's really odd, I guess I always use a lot of things from my life in stories or particular events and yeah, I recall how I had been so anxious and my only damn thought was that I want it out of my system, that I was tired and that well, I'm worthy of more and I had wanted to write this scene because it was odd how much I had thought of it, repeating it and it was gone. Of course you're still bitter, but you actually reach the point where like Hince you just have that Freudian slip where you say no before thinking and weighing whatever the fuck is in your head, that thing is you don't, you don't care anymore and you just go on, really. 

So it's odd that I identify more with Hince than Alex XD and I keep asking myself what to do with Miles, because I still love them together and frankly Miles didn't fuck up Alex as much as he did Hince, so yeah. But in the end every story is different just coz me and Hince puked our feelings out, doesn't mean that other people should.

I guess I just really love Hince and Alex a lot. I dunno, they started from this twisted relationship and I was looking back and there's actually a lot of small things I haven't noticed about Jamie being caring towards Al, so yeah. I dunno, I love how they took the piss of each other and I really really love them together and dunno, I guess I am calm for Al because I was quite concerned of the ending because I knew that Alex would be miserable and well, the tables have turned and there's a lot ahead and there's still too much ahead and too much plot twists and I'm sure Miles should try to redeem himself at least, so not all is lost, I know because well, I know :P

Also on the note, since I'm quite open, I'd like to say that I'm genderfluid, I know you discover many things about yourself every fucking day and I dunno, I feel liberated and go on, find it ironic, but I still go by my birth name, but I've been shifting to Jamie because I've always liked how gender neutral that name was always and it was kind of my favourite male name for years and now it's like oh Hince too, but really it's because I just like it a lot, so yeah, ask anything really and it's still me as always :) I was always here and always fluid as fuck xD just now you know why the interest in gay men haha :P 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and don't mind me being team Hincey xD *puts on random merch with an inflatable Hince* I even started drawing fan art of Hincey. Just don't think I'm crazy and tell me if you enjoyed the chapter and feel free to request the next one :3

I love you all :3 ALL OF YOU :3



To Miles 28