To Miles 28

(Hince's p.o.v. and flashback from the drag show)

I glance around just to see that everyone is slowly actually bringing themselves to the canteen and I wonder what else could they be doing for the day. So all I do is I open the book, Fathers and Sons being the choice, skipping a few pages forward and I light a cigarette not particularly interested in Bazarov’s love line, waiting for Brian and I see a few sailors avoid my glance and I just sigh, a bit irritated and inhale, watching the stage. 

Brian eventually comes, apologizing a few times and with a wide smile, but I don’t raise my eyes until he actually takes my shoulder. He pats it and I don’t flinch, irritating him and eventually he shakes me lightly. I hand him a cigarette and Brian smirks at my facial expression. I quickly roll my eyes. I’m far too grumpy and I just wait for Miles to dance right in front of my face. I lift up the book and chewing on the cigarette I try to ignore jumpy second in charge.

“Sweetheart wrote to me.” He chips into my thoughts and I just reread the paragraph the second time.

“What did sweetheart say?” I ask, making sure I don’t use any pronoun because I don’t really want anyone to know about Brian fucking Stefan on shore, who is also in the navy, being an assistant to an admiral. And he’s a lovely lad, just every time Brian drags me out I have to see them together and that is something far beyond my interest. Alison loves them both though so in the end I just feel alienated. Sometimes even if I feel alienated from Alison and soon enough I’ll be alienated from my own child. I daze out too much on Brian’s retelling of the letter as I just see Pete and Carl with Julian show up and when Miles goes on stage, Brian shuts up for a while and I just wish the lights were enough for me to read, but he glances at me.

And I’m alone in the room, yanked away and being fed poison as usual. 

I watch him until Alex gets onstage.

I let my eyes rest on the younger gunner, how nervous he is and he avoids my gaze and I can’t blame him. I keep looking at him, he seems to be flirting with my own sanity as I don’t deny how attractive he is and he even seems picture perfect for the job and he resembles Miles which seems to be pulling me away, yanking me and at the same time tugging me towards him. 

“Turner’s quite good looking though.” Brian nudges me and I don’t need to hear anything as Brian just seems to believe that there is a man for every man and I just do a shooing motion, smirking. He offers me another cigarette and I watch Turner, excusing myself that I want to avoid the former lover. 

It becomes ironic when Miles and Alex dance together, I keep inhaling, the book firmly in my hands and both of them have ridiculous make up, something which my friend Karen would hiss at, but she’s not here and I wish I could see her face.

She’d make sure I wouldn’t glance at Miles, but she’s not here and my thoughts linger far too much. 

I watch Miles rub off the lipstick and we catch each other’s glances. We hold our gaze as Julian sings and I just let the darkness be my transparent fabric and I watch him, something I try to avoid every day, making sure that I’m the earliest in the canteen and always with a novel or Brian. That’s why I read so much, just to immerse myself far too much, to avoid him, since he doesn’t need me I at least need to fake that I don’t.

But I still manage a crooked smile, before he links hands with Turner.

And I notice the way Turner looks at him.

Lost.

Lost in love.

I play with the cigarette box. 

I feel myself freeze far too much. 

I glance as if to check if I am the only one who noticed, but instead I am left alone with my thoughts as the lights are turned on. I wave to Turner, but instead Miles catches my eye. Miles catches Turner’s eyes as well. I stop and they both head off, I am left with Brian who keeps talking about the drag show and I hadn’t even noticed that I laughed, that other people laughed, Miles just opening old wounds where both me and him would just drive off somewhere and he’d rub the guilt off my lips. 

But the thing is, the guilt has spread, cracking and no longer a tingling feeling of sensation but rather despair. I don’t feel too comfortable and once me and Brian head back to mine’s where I hesitate with opening something to drink Brian holds his silence for a while before asking me what’s wrong and I just shrug, opening the drawer and getting a new box of cigarettes. I stop to glance at my desk, recalling how much I had wanted to put a photo of me and Miles but never did and never will apparently. 

“We got told to slow down and meet a merchant ship on the way.” And that is pretty much the only phrase which is exchanged between us about the actual ship affairs. I just nod, inhaling, trying to wish that my mind was more blurred and the thought of the illusion of being drunk seems tempting. 

“Yeah, just tell them to slow down, then.” I shrug and Brian still excuses himself formally. I sigh and I lock the door, taking off my hat, walking around my room for a while, wondering what the fuck was actually happening in the canteen and the fact of Miles and Turner seems to linger far too much in my mind. In the end I open the bottle, not tempted to even continue Fathers and Sons. It’s not bad, just that I really don’t want to read about love and my mind seems to be too clogged with thought and sometimes I just don’t want anyone around. 

I take out Alison’s last letter, making sure that I have a new cigarette in my mouth as I open the letter, rereading it, now cigarette in hand, letting my own alienation take me over. She attached a photo of us back when I was on shore and I smile briefly. In the end I take my time replying, thinking of her how most likely she’d be doing the last fortune telling before bed, maybe cursing that the cards are fooling her. I recall when we had just started dating and her cards seemed to be declining answers and she had gotten cranky, prayed and something had straightened out then.

I never really believed in God even if I had been in a religious school, it just seemed like an excuse to make attraction to men far more daring. 

Eventually when I write her about Brian, the drag show and how much I miss her, my thoughts wander to the fact that we’ve both been distant and it’s not even that I see her rarely, it’s the fact that I’ve been with Miles when I was with her for so long and ever since Miles left it had been hard. Specifically when he decides to visit Alison and we avoid each other, Alison just trying to get something out of us and I’d just smirk saying rank conflicts and she’d leave it at that, maybe thinking to ask her brother instead. 

But he feels toxic, even when he’s over at ours I never let my eyes linger on him for far too long to notice how much we’ve both changed over the years. How much we’ve grown apart and how long has it been since I’ve kissed his lips and held him within my arms and let him take me over, do as he pleases just to throw me out. 

In the end I just leave my room, sometimes wishing that I’d have a private bathroom, hands in pockets, dodging already drunk men who try to sober up, but I realize that tonight is not the night. The bathroom isn’t far too quiet and I have to wait in queue. As I stand the one who comes behind me is Miles. 

I don’t dare to turn around and I just fidget, desperation reaching it’s toll as I quickly glance at him and without thinking we both give a small smile and I just head to the stall. I take my time, I don’t even do anything, I just sit and press my head against the wall, feeling claustrophobic and betrayed far too long. When I exit Miles waits there and I just let myself wonder for a while as he keeps looking at me.

I shouldn’t have looked on him as he performed is my only thought as I keep washing my hands. Miles mimics me the only odd thing between us is his attire with the odd gown. 

He keeps destroying me in silence, everything we’ve done always going around in my head even if I don’t want him anymore, he just keeps tugging at me. In the end, I leave, my whole body aching as I see a very faint Alex sitting near my door. I quickly glance back to see no one and I help the poor sailor up. 

“You do know that in Portugal they have this bizarre tradition, where the bridesmaids dress up as the bride to chase away the evil spirits?” I ask as I keep looking at his white handmade gown and I just can see Karen ranting at it even if the stitches don’t seem to be off. I pull him up. I don’t say anything as I help him up and he keeps looking at me and I try to relax as he looks at me. I think I’ve been alone too long and I try to break the eye contact. 

I am thankful that I can smoke and I stretch out the cigarette box as soon as I can, the bride analogy in my head due to his veil of innocence which you can never see in young men, you can never guess what they’ve done or what slips in their minds, it’s something I’ve tried to guess with Miles, I would have never guessed that all this time he just wanted to pin me down and make love to me.

The slip burns my fingers and mind and I just inhale, starting the conversation with Turner as I ask him who was it this time.  notice him pay attanetion to the Turgenev book I’m reading and I just keep my silence. 

I don’t tell him that love destroys you, that sometimes I reread the books which I’ve read with Miles with his head on my lap or the poetry I’d read aloud, there had even been a while when I couldn’t write anything, my entire world collapsed, I couldn’t do anything and Brian was the only one who sat besides me, patting my head saying that it would take me years to get rid of the lover damaging my head, that it would keep going in circles and circles and the fact that I had my own gun wasn’t better, the fact that I could just chuck the captain’s hat away and dunk deep down below, the thought of suicide always on the tip of the tongue, but never the motive or the courage, just the memories which I wanted to get rid off.

He was the thing I regretted the most because everything else was done for a purpose, Miles was done for his own amusement apparently. So I guess if I were to regret something that would be letting myself get dissolved in someone else’s cup. 

Alex tells me it’s a good book and he glances at me, rinsing me with something new and I just shift my eyes back to the novel. The gunner rubs off the lipstick off his lips and I just watch him, silently, trying to turn myself off and the fact that turning off the lights would maybe stop from seeing his silhoutte wouldn’t stop my longing for someone else. 

We start discussing and when Turner tells me that Bazarov dies, I feel a bit stung and I feel sorry for the poor lad, so I just bite my lip. I see Turner, I see him far too well and he seems like he has the blind love I once had for Miles and he resembles Miles too much, even in motion and the fact that he is Miles’ age when we had broken up doesn’t make anything easier or how he talks, his accent. I just sit back down, inhaling and I quickly glance at him paling, but I quickly open the book.

I flick to the ending, a few pages before, I see that Bazarov is dead though and I skim through his confession, the whole scene which I recall saying that the book had been written for the ending and I stop for a while, wondering but I yank myself out of those thoughts. I call Bazarov a moron as I start looking for my nail file, trying to ease myself, keep myself to myself, nothing for Turner or anyone else to see. 

He keeps reporting men, something Miles hadn’t done. 

He keeps doing his job, like a better version of Miles who goofed off far too much and ran away with Jay in the end. I try to shoo it away from my mind, letting the lump in my throat just be there as I file harder, making sure that Alex doesn’t see anything or how I steal glances at him, wondering what else is there to him since he knows his literature probably more than I do and I wonder how much has he read, who had he kissed and who had there been before Miles. Miles barely fucking read. 

I feel like doing havoc sometimes and the fact that Turner is pale, makes me push him harder with the idea that he could bring Miles even if I know that he won’t, the idea still seduces me and I keep filing the nails, making sure that my voice doesn’t shake even if I’m scared of myself. 

I suggest him the idea of getting rid of the queers, which is pretty much getting rid of everyone and as I keep talking I try to avoid him even if I glance at him briefly to still show interest and determination, keeping up the act together, always yelling at sailors just because that’s how you keep discipline in the navy and you sit alone at lunch with a book as everyone else decides who to fuck and I just get either my wife or when my longing takes over I’d just head to a gay bar, bothering with appearance for once and downing my guilt with the thought that Alison is just as faithful as I had been during our marriage. 

He makes me snap out of it, as I see all colour drain from his cheeks, I drop the nail file, stand up and I grab hold of him as I sit him in my chair, Alex nearly passing out and I get water from a jug which I had taken earlier from the kitchen, not thinking as I splash water on him, leaning down face level and I press my fingers against his forehead, he’s far too cold. I let my finger rest as I feel him open his dark eyes and they seem like a crooked reflection of Miles’, but I keep looking at him, feeling myself lost but not within myself again. 

Alex keeps mumbling as I still stay within character, more than sure that my actions have spoken far too much for themselves and I see him palen. If I wasn’t an asshole I’d leave him here but as soon as he gets back to his senses I kick him out, when I’m sure that he won’t collapse and I tell him to rest up. When he leaves I realize that I don’t even know where he sleeps, I know his turret and that’s it. I’ve just seen his file because Brian had given it to me and I had looked at his photo, a small smile managed to sneak it’s way in and I had shown him to Brian, saying guess who’s the new queer. 

I should go kick out Father Ezra, the rumors had been traveling about him up to Brian and I had told him that our queer spy would take him over soon and he did. I sat musing for a while, smoking until I heard knocking and I open it, figuring that Alex might be back and I wonder if he needs some medication and I wonder if I should go wake up someone else I didn’t really have anything on me but once I open up, I see him.

Miles is just standing there. 

I try to close the door, instead he just nods.

“What?” I ask, my voice breaking.

“Can I come in, Captain Hince?” He asks, trying to hold the smirk in his voice and he had changed from the odd gown, his face holding a small smile, intrigue in his voice as he rolls the dice. I could tell him to go away, but I don’t want to discuss it here. My hands tremble as I motion him in and I walk to the desk, taking the box of cigarettes still shaking as I try to light the cigarette calmly, I never hold myself in front of the younger man, it makes it worse that we had known each other for many years and I feel my fingers shake as I put the cigarette between my lips. 

I give in far too easily as I inhale slowly, closing my eyes hoping that the dream turned nightmare would flee by itself leaving me in a state of slumber. Miles’ doesn’t as I feel his breathing on my neck and I just bite my lips with the cigarrete wondering what’s worse to look at, the wall or nothing. I feel his hands around me, the feeling which had seemed to be a ghost to me before is real and my tension flirts with relaxation, as my breath is released from holding too long, the longing seeming to give one last howl as I am blindfolded with the fact that he’s here my mind entirely turning off as I turn around and his mouth is on my own. 

It’s odd to think that he had been smaller than me, how much we’ve been through and all of a sudden everything had been ripped apart and how easily everything seems to be stitched together. I push myself apart, trying to reason but my mind is entirely turned off as he sticks his hand down my pants and I just moan as his mouth is on my neck, he starts stroking me, quickly glancing at me before going on his knees.

Miles pushes me onto the table and I recall that this had been done when I had just been captain and he keeps stroking me before taking me in his mouth and I gasp, a bit too loudly as I push his head to take me in deeper as he digs his nails into my hips. 

I don’t hold, breathing hard and I am far too near so I grab Miles and I try to hold him down, as he just pushes me out and grins at me. He stands up and pulls me by the chin, I know how broken I am, gasping, fully turned on and ruined both in his and mine eyes.

“Is that all, Kane?” I snap lightly, barely catching my breath, I don’t touch myself, I don;t touch him, I lean against the desk, my hands shaking from excitement. 

“No, James, no.” The blood rushes a bit from my face and Miles just kisses me once, pulling all of my clothes off, taking his off and I watch him. He hadn’t called me James in years, everyone adapting Jamie besides Karen who would still call me James when I had offered her to call me James so that we’d both get used to different names. Everyone calling me James when irritated or just to spice it up for some odd friendly reason. 

He takes my hat off, pulling me closer, dragging his nails down my spine, causing me to shiver. 

Miles smirks, not kissing me yet blowing hot air on me and he turns around to the bed. And goes on fours.

“Are you going to fuck me or not, James?” 

My mind goes blank and I position myself behind him, holding him by the neck, pulling him closer to me so I can lick his lips as I thrust inside. Miles gasps, moaning as I see his grasp the sheets beneath us as I start thrusting inside him slower and slower, getting one hand to stroke Miles harshly and he starts moaning louder. I slow down, but Miles holds from beginning and I start thrusting in and out, slower, watching him by pulling him back.
He grins at me, flushed. 

“Fuck you.” He mutters. “Fuck me harder.”

And I do, holding him tighter as I keep thrusting harder with Miles’ moans, stroking him hard as I am near, but I keep holding until I feel the younger man start to give in and he comes in my hand, nearly screaming but he holds himself on the last minute and I don’t hold thrusting deep and feeling myself get over the edge as I slam myself one last time inside him as we both fall onto the bed and once the orgasm is over, the fireworks gone, I get scared of the smoke.

I roll over breathing heavily as I look at the ceiling, terrified, orgasm still giving it’s last shivers in my body, my breath still gone. 

“Is this a good enough coda?” Miles breathes out, making sure not to face me. I blink, coughing as I can’t help but look at him, the bliss shattering even more.

“What?” My lips start shaking and I feel cold. Miles sits up and looks at me. 

“Didn’t you choose Alison?” He keeps my silence as I sit up and I try to see something else other than anger in his eyes. “So why do you keep looking at me, like on the drag show? I thought you were over this.”

I open my mouth to say something but instead Miles leans closer and I am paralyzed again, a fool to his touch, my need expanding for years and desperation and lack of him in these past years fooling with my mind, my desires teeming finally, but I don’t move but all my body and my lips and my eyes all betray me.

“Stop this then.” He mutters, his own voice low. I don’t tell him that he came in, instead I just stand up and I grab my clothing, hesitating before I grab his, my whole body shaking.

“You came in for a casual fuck.” I snap and I throw it at him, grabbing the box of cigarette as I light one, nearly stretching the box out to him, an old habit I thought had died off, but nothing did and I feel misery strike me, the light sucked out of me as I look at Miles. 

Despair taking over me. 

I can’t say anything.

I just point towards the door, holding my own tears, my whole body shaking. 

“You broke up with me.”

“You chose Alison.” 

As soon as he dresses, I push him out, lock the door, ignore the one knock and I slip down on the floor, not even able to smoke the cigarette, my whole body shaking, feeling used as I just go back to bed knowing what havoc I could wreck, a lover for a lover. A lover turns down on a lover. 

My dreams are far too bitter, like the person I try to be sometimes when I yell at sailors -

Turner dances in my mind with the bright lipstick and I fall too much, tripping in the dream as I watch Turner sit besides me, grinning, lipstick all smudged as we sit in the dark.

-

I was actually rereading To Miles and I saw the sudden shift in Hince, which kind of you don't notice due to Alex's terrified state and I pretty much was thinking how to explain it because when you reread it, well, Hince would've explained it either way, but it seemed better to actually write this piece entirely through Jamie's eyes and it was intended to be a on-shot but then I realized why can't it actually be a chapter because well, it's needed in the story really xD

It was awfully nice to write it from Jamie's point of view, his insight and kind of see Alex through someone else's eyes and when I was rereading I didn't really notice how there had been some odd tender moments between them in the beginning and then the shift happens, so yeah. 

Also Brian doesn't really show up in the story a lot, while here he actually does. So it was nice to show a character which is pretty much in the back all the time, working really xD 

Also I dunno, it's pretty much seeing Hince in a different light rather than someone else, his alienation which I didn't realize seems more close to me and I didn't realize how different Alex was, as he is far more social than I am and haha if there ever will be a quiz I think I'll pretty much end up being Jamie xD (Jamie ended up being Jamie, this is odd having similar names xD) 

Of course Turner and as everyone with that position where also chosen for their looks, something which would surely attract gay men and that isn't really seen a lot through Alex's own eyes or conversations. 

It's also quite interesting to watch this through Hince's eyes as he pretty much just is trying out his attraction with Alex, so it's more of watching a death and birth dance when it comes to Alex and Miles. 

It's more of a circle rather than a triangle when it comes to those three, all of them shifting from hero to villain and forth. Specifically when Jamie notices Alex's feeling towards Miles and yeah, I think the one shot pretty much explains Jamie's intentions onwards. 

I pretty much didn't want to type the entire conversation so this is what had happened and it's interesting to write that scene without Alex's fear and Jamie really holding back and in general the fact that he sits him down was kind of one of those cracks which leads up to both of them to this day really (haha in the story I mean xD)

This is me being a freak, but the whole feeling of wrecking havoc is pretty much a feeling which both Hince and Alex feel and well, if we're going by love and similarities I dunno this is kind of that one bad feeling they both have and when I think of wrecking havoc I always kind of recall Fight Club, the movie, which is funny because I was really sceptic of watching it and in the end we watched it in class and I had fallen in love with it, because just like society gets the wrong message of A Clockwork Orange so does society obsess over Tyler, so yeah. Anyway, when I think of wrecking havoc I just get Edward Norton beating up Jared Leto (haha, fuck you Leto) in the movie, so it's kind of that feeling and idea, I guess. 

Both of them wreck havoc, Jamie and Alex in their own ways. 

Miles was pretty much essential and them fucking, I recall talking to Callie about it and she was all, wait, THEY'RE GONNA FUCK and I was like, um, duh? xD 

I don't think I have much to tell as I pretty much laid Jamie in front of everyone to observe and see, really. He's broken and what the fuck is Miles doing is beyond me xD

So yeah. The story goes on and will resume from Alex's point of view, which I missed while writing this thing, and don't forget this chapter is 4k XD tell me you love me for it haha xD 

The actual kind of coda to this chapter is actually Alex in Jamie's dream, pretty much something to soothe him with and I had dreams with Callie when we weren't dating and they were quite loving, so yeah.

I pretty much ship Hince and Alex and I think that's more than obvious but they're not the only ship in the story so yeah and there's still a lot to go and there's a lot of Miles. 

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did, as I was very anxious writing this thing and yeah I wrote 4k in two days xD So please tell me if you enjoyed it and feel free to request the next chapter :3 

<3

To Miles 29