To Miles 26

Love is the greatest destroyer force of them all. You can get hit by a car and simply the insides will rip because everything will stop functioning, while if your insides get destroyed it’s a while until you yourself will cut the string of life or the body will scream in agony until everything about you is gone. 

“You get a void when you’re left broken and it stings. But when the person is not who you think they were, it’s just a void. When a person lies to you for their own obscure benefit and suddenly...” Hince blows a smoke ring which dismantles itself. “You don’t know who even was the trophy wife anymore. Were they acting as a trophy wife or were you a trophy wife to them?”

He stares ahead.

“Either way, it’s a void, you don’t even want the person back. It’s bitter. And you think the person loved you but neither do they and neither do you. But that’s not Miles, with Miles I knew what I missed.” 

I fall asleep lying next to Hince, something far too usual only this time his fingers are on my neck and I wake up with an icing of fear, yet it’s odd to catch him sleeping, still not fully relaxed and curled up only his arm stretched to touch my neck. Without thinking I kiss his fingers and my feelings are far too mixed, so I merely sit up, wondering if I should wake him as I slowly dress, Miles and Hince both in my thoughts. As I pull on my shirt I wonder that in my head I barely refer to him as Jamie and his name sounds like an odd role in my head, a foreign sound and I glance at him, now his eyes sleepily open and he has a soft also confused smile upon his lips.

We both keep our silence, just like one day you wake and everything is better, sometimes it’s for the worse or for the more twisted. But then the twisted had blossomed into something neither of us had expected and still frightens me, grabs me by the neck in the form of Jamie. He stands up, still sleepily, scratching his stubble and walks up to me. It’s odd. I try to read my own mind why. 

I can’t as we kiss and it’s softer than usual even if we started making out and the fact that both us have morning wood doesn’t help either. 

Love with Hince is different, I don’t know why it happened or why it fits in my head when the waves of fear crash against my being, but it’s there, it doesn’t go away even if fear had been the first emotion with his bitter, broken old laughter. 

Hince had stopped asking me about the men, I’d just walk in to tell about them, Julian still vivid in my mind and how Hince had said that the next will be on the ship until we get either a boat to throw them off or if we need to go to shore. So for a few days I wasn’t sure what should I be doing and I kept debating about Hince far too much in my head and I was scared to have sex with him again, not because of what he had been, but rather that it seemed to be ridiculous that we have never spoken of it and I was touching myself in the restroom, not yet with Hince as usually I’d slip out in the middle of the night and I’d nap during the day to avoid Miles and still hope that he’d see me and slip next to me and I wondered why did I want a liar so badly? But then we had both done the same thing and I wondered more as I couldn’t ask Hince about him and Miles and some bitter jealousy was at the tip of my tongue, nagging.

And all of a sudden I wasn’t sure who I was even jealous of. Both of them intertwining in my head and I had recalled Hince, who had smirked at me once, saying that when you’re in love with two or more people, even if they don’t interact and you don’t want them to your deepest sexual desire would still be having sex with all of them at once and that what was going on in my head, I didn’t want them anywhere close to each other yet and I don’t think either of them wanted each other’s existence yet they were still in my head and I started breathing heavier, stroking myself, biting my lip, pressing myself harder against the wall of the cubicle, giving an audible moan and I had stopped, pressing my palm against my mouth and I had heard a smirk. I felt my breath become even harder. I heard the person exit the other cubicle, I was too turned on to realize that someone had even gone in. I heard a soft knock. I shivered lightly and the knocking was soft, yet it still increased. 

“Turner, fighting the demons within you as you jerk off?” He sounded sleepy and a light smirk and I’m sure he had been amused of his joke. I open the door to see Miles in his undershirt, a bit too pale and barely holding his eyes open. I freeze at his eased, lulled state and I want to grab him, pull him in, make out with him, have sex with him, but I just stop. Miles is still amused by himself. “When you jerk off pretty much everyone crosses your mind, don’t they? It’s hard to get people out when you’re vulnerable to yourself and you’re the object to your own desire.”

He leaves to wash his hands, opening the tap and he glances at himself in the mirror, groaning lightly.

“You’re interested in your own orgasm, really, so you just let go, don’t you.” I think if he hadn’t been so sleepy he would have traced my jawline, but instead he keeps his hands in the sink, letting the water hit his fingers and against the basin. “Maybe there is a reason it’s a sin. Because you let go, you let all the thoughts consume you.”

I watch him through the mirror, far too sleepy and I want to kiss his neck, but I don’t, I just watch him, just wanting to continue doing so, even if he doesn’t smile and falls asleep on the floor, I don’t think I’d touch him and soon enough I’d feel bad and leave into another man’s arms. 

I could see Hince’s longing every day how he had sleepily muttered that despair gets worse with each year and I could still count in days and I had already wondered how long will it take for me to stroke his temple down to his jaw as he’d watch me silently without telling me to stop and I’d kiss him. The longing is worse than wine, it appears out of nowhere when you never had grapes to begin with. 

I keep looking at Miles’ back and you forget love too easily and quickly. You think there never was an echo never to remember the taste which had been present at a fingers touch. And maybe that’s when I became vulnerable and destructive. I swallow and I wonder if he prays at night and just like going to church doesn’t make you a good person, a glimpse of Father Ezra shows up in my mind for some odd way, I’m sure he’d bless me since homosexuality never was a sin in his eyes.

“Why did you never tell me that you dated Hince for ten years?” Miles quickly turns around to face me, mouth lightly opened and a pure look of horror on his face and I hadn’t even niticed that he had wet his hair. He grips the basin stronger. He stops breathing for a while and then he just turns around and I see his reflection with his eyes shut tight.

“Eleven.” He just mutters and grabs his towel, but I grab him by the wrist. Miles tries to break free but then gives up with his hand held middair by mine and I try to find something in him, but all I see is a lost, confused and a sudden nostalgia in his eyes, but what scares me is that there doesn’t seem to be any trace of love. Miles sighs and takes out a cigarette box out of his pocket, I let his hand go and he lights a cigarette. 

He awaits questions and I watch him, feeling myself dismantle slowly, like a rope, simply on the ends in the beginning. I keep watching him and my questions never come and with a few drags I just stare at not even a hollow place left for Hince’s love in his eyes and that seems to scare me and in the end, Miles just pats my shoulder and leaves me. 

I don’t know what triggers me and I fill the basin in with water and I wonder if I should just shower, but instead his eyes follow me in his mind even if I know that he holds love for me.

I fill in a cup with water and I spill it over my head, gasping at the cold touch as it drips onto my shirt and I start shaking. I head out just to clear my head and I watch the dark water crash against the ship, closing my eyes, my head nearly spinning and the thought of something eternal as death seems to be soothing, but my hands never reach out and the thought stays with me briefly, like an eruption it passes fast and I want to head back. I don’t know who do I fear more for is it me or Jamie and I actually drop all my thoughts, my hair still damp I head upstairs, I try to open the door, but it’s locked and I figure he could’ve headed to the bathroom, so I dread myself going there and as soon as I do I hear hissing and Jamie’s shaking voice. I come closer before I hear a thud and the other person is pushed against the bathroom stalls. 

I actually head in to see Jamie press Miles against the stall. 

It’s worse than when two men pop in your head as you touch yourself, I just stand there, but Jamie doesn’t release his grip.

“Why the fuck did you tell Turner?” Miles snaps again and Jamie shoves him against the stalls again, Kane wincing lightly yet still clenching his teeth, but not doing any movements to tick Hince off even more. But then he drops him and sighs, turning towards me, light relief on his tired face, before Miles speaks up again, pointing towards me. “Another boy toy, queer?”

And that’s when Jamie doesn’t hold and aims directly against his jaw and Miles gives a loud noise, causing me to grab the door handle as Jamie stops midair from doing another punch and Miles holds his jaw, his eyes sparkling lightly from the pain. Miles massages his jaw, not daring to move towards the basin, but his thoughts still linger on the wrong path. Once Jamie puts his hand down, Miles tries to aim but Hince dodges it and punches him right across the face, splitting his lip as Miles gives himself a second and a light cough before Miles tries to push Hince on the floor and Jamie just throws him against the basins and I quickly grab Jamie from behind, holding him down as he curses at me and unfortunately that’s when Miles charges again and I have to make sure both of us dodge his attack, as Miles nearly hits the mirror. Both me and Jamie glance back, scared of the decor in our shabby bathroom. I let Hince go as Miles just stops, breathing heavily and blood spilling on his shirt. 

Neither of us saying anything. Miles just starts washing his wound and Hince just runs a hand through his hair, glancing at me before back at Miles. Fear seems to leave me all of a sudden. The lack of it terrifies me as Hince thanks me for holding him down and I don’t really look at Miles. I quickly glance at him to see him washing his wounds. 

Hince nods towards the door and I feel my breath freeze up.

We all know. 

Jamie leaves first and I just look at Miles, both of us not talking and in the end I leave just to head to Jamie’s. I stop before his door which is lightly opened and I don’t hesitate to walk in and Hince is lighting two cigarettes and hands me one, as he locks the door as usual. He starts smoking and I just keep staring at him until he looks up from the floor with his green eyes. Love dismantles and you realize another. We keep looking at each other and frankly I realize that I’m not even sure much of our age gap. 

My whole body aches and I pull him closer, my cigarette burning in my hands and I close my eyes as Jamie smirks lightly and presses a soft kiss against me. We both cling onto the slow kiss, both aware of too much and I can feel his hands tremble and it’s not from the fight before all of a sudden. 

Jamie tries to break the kiss a few times and when he sees that I won’t, he pulls back, as he quickly inhales, not breaking eye contact with me. He muses on his words for a while and I just nod, but I don’t get a smirk, I get a small shrug from him.

“I love you, Alex.” 

“Same, Jamie.” And I think the oddest part is the fact that I actually use his name, rather than the feeling we’ve both been obscurely avoiding. Confusion doesn’t grace any of our faces as it’s been within us for far too long and Jamie just smiles, both of us aware of too many things at once. 

“I’m sorry-” I shrug. Jamie pauses. “No, I am. I- I hadn’t gotten over Miles yet and-”

“I’m not like Miles.”

“I’m not saying that.” Hince replies fast and starts fidgiting with his cigarette. He inhales and breathes out fast. “I...”

“When did you even fall in love with me?”I ask, smirking lightly, I’ve been too numb just to wake up with love in my arms. Maybe the death in my arms is love all along, since it’s the force which kills us, the sadness which drains us and I don’t think I’m dunked in water anymore like I was with Miles. Hince blinks at my change of a subject, but still holds a silence, nodding in apology.

“I guess somewhere around when I shook the thought off that you hold the same age as Miles when he dumped me.” 

“So it was about Miles?” Jamie shakes his head.

“No. It never was, that’s the thing.” He pauses. “It’s odd when you open your eyes to realize that the love you thought once existed was something else to another person. And when you do wake up one day and you realize that it’s something else.”

He pauses and keeps looking at me.

“Love isn’t destructive Alex, it doesn’t want to drown you, despite what Miles had both given us.” He keeps a pause and we both smile. “Once it’s gone you realize that it wasn’t love.”

He pauses to think.

“Love is the blood within you, really. I can’t think of any other way to explain it.” He smirks. “It carries you, both you and me are the assholes who have a suicide drowning fetish. You think love should ache, it shouldn’t, it should nourish you and be the one who disagrees with you on Tolstoy.” 

Jamie’s grin doesn’t fade. 

-

This whole chapter has a very nice I think circular form as it starts off with Al saying that love is destructive when he solely thinks of Miles and ends in something different with Jamie. I started writing this chapter with one mindset really and before I'd write a few phrases but I'm back to my hectic a few k a day which I missed and enjoyed and I am deeply happy to come back to, I actually feel liberated now finally. 

I tried not to include my whole bias and I've spoken to Callie, but then, like she said all of everyone's writing is biased based on their lives or emotions, so of course some of mine have leaked and my thoughts on love. 

I had originally intended for this chapter to actually include Jamie's and Miles' back story on their eleven year relationship, but pretty much this chapter got in the way xD

The whole thing about Hince came from a discussion between me and Callie (even if Callie knows much more than an average reader, I still keep a lot of the plot to myself or I just forget to mention it because I've got thousands of scenes which are coming up in To Miles xD) and we went into a debate where Callie said that Hince was a strictly a villain to which I argued and proved my point (this chapter was yet to be written) and we both re-read the story I pointed out the bits which are otherwise and Jamie's back story is just seen lightly and I guess if you want me to show hints just re-read Miles' talk on why he joined the navy and etc, I can give out links or point out moments xD 

Basically Hince is pretty much maybe my favourite second character is this entire story at this moment to be honest, because unlike Miles and Matt he was there for Al and is. But hey, everyone's thoughts are valid and bear in mind that I just love him a lot as a character and I kind of have to stick myself in Alex's shoes and he pretty much loves Hince so yeah, I'm biased here with Al xD 

The fight idea literally came from the fact that I realized that for the navy, I didn't have a lot of fights in this story and the idea of Hince and Miles fighting popped in my head and Alex holding Hince down seemed too appealing to miss.

Also my favourite scene in this chapter is when both Alex and Jamie duck xD 

And there's the confession scene which makes all of my plot go down the drain, yet it's very natural and just puts my whole plot in question as in what will happen now. I've got the main outline done but now the question is what happens to the Miles-Alex-Jamie love triangle and with Miles pretty much being an asshole lately to Al, I've got some musing to do and which I've been doing for the past few days XD 

Either way, Jamie's here xD

I've written poems where I described love as drowning and frankly, that's not how it should be, you really shouldn't be scared of someone who mistreats you, get the fuck out and get someone to yank you out of it. I guess Jamie is the person in this story. 

So yeah, quoting Jamie quoting me, love is blood. 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did and yeah, my head is fucked right now as I don't think what was going to happen to Jamie and Al will happen as things have changed and in the discussion with Callie on Jamie's analysis I've realized myself that his feelings for Al are much deeper than I thought and intended and so are Al's.

Please tell me if you enjoyed this chapter and your thoughts xD don't worry it's not the end of Miles and Matt should show up soon :D and even if things change we are slowly nearing to the end of part 1 and To Miles will still be extended I just don't know how much but surely will keep going as this thing seems to be eternal in a good way xD I love everyone too much xD

<3

To Miles 27