Sunday, 26 May 2013

Scattered roses

Everyone has past loves in their long lives, ones which you want to throw stones at when you’re in a pub, but you still tip your hat to as you walk past.

And I’m smoking a cigarette, also in a hat, looking at Kate walking with Hince, eating some kind of pastry and I tip my hat, walking past, not knowing if my mind is playing tricks, just like I thought drugs were on Galliano when he called Kate the last of the English roses. Of course I found it hilarious and I had seen the wedding with a different ring, not matching the one I carry in that gray suit.

Love fades, like jeans, you just wear it more, it changes, you love it.

I keep watching her entering that pastry cafe as I sit on the opposite side of the road, not reading the Guardian just like Jamie Hince does. Instead I just sit reading some Burroughs, rereading whatever I can find among my shelves even reading Sarah Waters and I yelp at the fisting scene.

I stopped reading it, lighting a cigarette. I see her enter in and she remains there, eating alone, a black hat close to a fedora covering the start of her blonde hair.

I come back the next day already with an apron and I ask to be taken in, as if they would cuff me, but it’s not about the money, it’s about serving a lady and they take me, their faces plastered with curiosity why would I want a job here, but once its asked, it gets answered and I smoke my breaks as other waiters eat the pastries other people could’ve eaten.

And I see her in a shiny top, eating the pastry, raising her hand to call out to me and her eyes are glued on her own image in Vogue with other yellow pages scattered on the small glass table.

“Water?” I ask, trying not to hold my smile and I wonder how I look, glancing sideways to the mirror above the lazy barista.

She raises her eyes and goes back to reading. I just look down, dissapointed, like a child which some fucker had stolen their balloon in Disneyland, ignoring the fact that I am in Disneyland and I can get another Cinderella balloon, but I want the one which popped in the sky, maybe even the one I got stolen yesterday.

Kate raises her eyes again. I can see the eyeliner drawn to make her eyes bigger and she looks at my apron and I can see her head leaning backwards, her hair making wings for her thoughts as if she is leaning backwards again from my window, smoking, nails dyed black and she looks gorgeous.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” She laughs a bit, pointing at my apron with her finger and she starts laughing. “What the fuck.”

“Yeah, water.” She says, nearly shooing me off, but then stops. “Why the fuck are you a waiter, Peter?”

“Cinema. Y’know.” I swallow, such a lie, I’m not playing a waiter, I’ve just released the movie where I am french, but I’m not a french waiter.

“Oh, ok. Sit down, waiter.” Kate takes the Vogue, flicking through a few pages, showing a half nude photo of hers and I remember my mouth on her breasts. “How do I look?”

“Goood.” I stretch the “o” a bit, biting my tongue behind my close lips, a small smile covering my lips and where they had once been. Calling Kate is more than nice, but it isn’t enough sometimes, it’s like a short night when you’re up in Scotland and it’s light at three am and it’s already day at five and you’ve done an all nighter, like losing your first time with a person. It feels innocent and goes on until you fall asleep, fading the borders between the end and beginning.


I hope you enjoyed it:3 I was struggling with an idea and I saw a photo of Peter carrying a tray with beer and I got the idea :D

I love them both so much and yes, I ship them more than Jamie/Kate. I don't really like them together, I like them both, but not together. -.- And I've liked them since they started dating and ever since

I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request the next chapter:3


Wednesday, 22 May 2013

I Can't Wait6

Sex was too stiff and I’m still lying on the bed naked and Alison grabs a tanktop, a leather jacket and ripped jeans, putting on her boots, not saying anything, the cigarette noises and the lighter say everything. She sits on the edge of the bed, eying me between the legs, I’m not turned on any more and I’m quite moist about everywhere, even if it was crap.

She lets me inhale from her cigarette and I close my eyes as her fingers go through my hair. I let Alison kiss me and I kiss her back just as passionately, my tongue blending with hers and I pull her on top of me.

“I’m going on a date with Mr. Hince.” Both of our eyes are closed and she leaves the room, to which I just bring the covers around my entire body, feeling too weak to compete so I just end up crying, not just because of the crap sex and Alison taking the last cigarettes. I find my boxers and my lip is still trembling, I start dressing up and I feel like taking any job, my younger sister bringing teddy bears from build-a-bear lately makes me wonder if I could get her a discount.

But then I bend in half again.

I end up sitting in my room, sleeping in that position, still in my boxers, parents gone for the day, thank God for study break and I wake up in a pool of my own tears and our fluids.

I never found what had happened between them and I had never even known the story to fully digest it.

I don’t know what to do and I am in the crossroads of my own understanding, where I have to understand if I am left alone like I was with that girl years ago which cheated on me while I had been ill and I couldn’t understand if we had been broken up and the plain reality soaks in all the old memories, all the sex, all the love making, all the swings we’ve used, all the vinyls, all the hats I’ve bought for Alison, that first time I had stayed over, wearing red boxers for luck and the first time I had sex with her.

She wasn’t a virgin, so it was just going in, knowing how to, positioning, my legs shaking and making love. I loved Alison and I’m sure she loved me too, but how much had she loved me and how much had she loved Mr. Hince?

Now it were her crossroads, weighting years against years, memories against memories, while my seesaw had her and no one to balance it besides myself, but I’m too short to reach and Alison is looking behind on a man with messier hair, who is more attractive, looks like like a baby face, maybe she wants a family?

I can obviously hand her over my sperm, but I’m still young.

I rub my eyes thinking about families and Alison, it’s like that time in the Gay Straight alliance I had asked the gay young man what did he think about having children. Neither did I know, I felt young, but I wanted Alison, the thought of children didn’t sound obscure, it just sounded bizarre in the context and the shadows of Alison creep on where I ask myself who would I be having the child with?

I just see myself as a single father now, eyes red and open, doing homework while my child is sleeping and the child takes the sleep for both of us, feeding me back with it’s love.


I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did :3 I really love Jack and school boy Jack :3

Please feel free to request the next chapter!


I Can't Wait7

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Untitled 5Silence Seems To Feed Us 11

I feel tired and I can see how melancholic people get and once you listen to them you actually wonder if life is really that boring. It’s like people trying to get drunk at fourteen, knowing which bars in Camden let underage people drink.

When I was a kid I’d get traumatized when people would call me ugly or last time my mother was over she called me impossible and wondered how I am alive in my mess of a room and that troubled me, just as if I was back in high school with someone trying to pick a fight, in university it was easier as everyone was just as queer with Brian Molko walking around in heels.

Sometimes, I think I am the sin, just like when Brian was saying that he wouldn’t be let near any baby in order to corrupt them and I am the target, obviously if I get a child, I won’t care who the child fucks, it will be about the fact that I have a child.

I look at Alison scribbling on magazines, her jeans quite low waisted.

Supposedly men don’t please women, I close my eyes and lick the waist, putting my hands in front of her sweater, unbuttoning it and Alison just stood shocked. I didn’t want to fuck her, I wanted to give a woman pleasure, with Brian in my head, tangling in his own heels to be kicked out of society. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me or Brian.

I don’t look at Alison.


“I want to please you.”

“Don’t.” And it stops and we continue to flick channels, I’ve tried to be a man, but maybe the problem is in the women as well?


I've been stuck on exams, so it's a bit hard to come back to a relaxed mindset for a few days really XD before it comes back again XD

But I've fitted in all the issues I've been thinking about and yeah, I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request, sorry about the short chapter:)

On a good note, I'm now an uncle :D hwjvhwevjwe he is soooo cute, cutest thing ever :3

Thank you



Thursday, 16 May 2013


I love you so much that sometimes I don’t know how to express it.

We don’t stop kissing and I can’t help but put my hand lower and I start stroking Jamie as he starts rubbing my clit, sometimes I think we are insane.

We both come and Jamie keeps biting my neck as he comes and I keep gasping, pressing his hand harder with my own.

“We can get a morning after pill. True, twenty five quid, but fuck, we need to buy condoms anyway.” And Jamie laughs and I just sit besides him, stroking his chest with my fingers as he nuzzles my hair. Nothing comes to mind, just sitting on his lap and then I have an urge to draw and I ask Jamie if he has pencils and paper.

Jamie nods, standing up and I check him out from behind, my legs and my whole body numb, I know I’m not a virgin anymore and sex becomes a deal and masturbation feels weak all of a sudden, I don’t think I’ll be sneaking in magazines into the shower and then throwing out soggy pages of actors.

Jamie comes back with newly, barely touched pencils besides one red one and with an eye make up sharpener.

“Why do you have an eye makeup sharpener?” I smirk and Jamie starts ruffling his drawers until he takes out a kohl pencil, closing his eyes and underlining them and grinning as he shows it to me and kisses my forehead. He starts kissing my face all over, before underlining my own and drawing a small anchor on the side of my face.

“I used to wear a lot of it, so I learned doing it without a mirror, while being on drugs.” Jamie smirked. I haven’t done a lot of drugs yet, I’ve just done weed once and I ended up coughing a lot as it ended being cheap and weird on a skater party.

In the end we end up exiting to the streets, seeing a bunch of people smoking, some people with dogs and the day shining brightly, not showing a change of season. I take Jamie’s hand and I wonder if I look like his daughter or his younger sister. But I don’t and we kiss. I wonder if he used nail varnish as well and how androgynous did he look.

In boots we start searching for the pill, finding indigestion next to condoms and birth tests which cost too much. We take out all the coins we have in our wallets, trying not to spend the teners, keeping it for cider, an idea Jamie had the day before.

“Why was the red pencil only used?” I ask Jamie, just looking at the cock rings and wondering if I can turn them on through the packing.

“Because I draw lines whenever I am anxious and you’re leaving soon. I got sad after you left.” And he takes the box and puts it in my hands and I see my dad with my mom looking at indigestion. And our eyes meet and I have the morning after pill in my hands.

Everything seemed to slow down, I could mum’s lips moving and Jamie’s hand grabbing my shoulder, his eyes bleak as if he would faint and leave eyeliner on the floor and I was wearing the hoodie with the hole which Jamie even mocked me for taking, but loving it secretly, just like I had left a few leather bracelets at his table, seeing him wearing them and toying as I slept after sex.

“Alison.” And mom pronounces the word.

“Yes?” That’s all I can say. It’s obvious that we had sex. “This is Jamie.”

I don’t say friend, as much as it could offend me it would offend him. I’m holding onto the box, my fingers sweating and I don’t know what to say, people keep getting more condoms and more pills against diarrhea and vomiting.

Then Jamie takes one pack of flavoured condoms and plain ones, maybe hinting now that we’ll be safe.

Then dad grabs all the condoms and pill from Jamie’s hands.

“It’s fine. We’ll pay.” I’m surprised he doesn’t say for the unprotected sex.

“Sorry, we had sex.” And Jamie knows how stupid it sounds and dad goes to the cashier and I see Jamie shaking, he starts poking his brow piercing and my mother drags me aside. "The flavoured are for STD prevention during oral. Not that I have herpes, but... fuck."

“He has so many piercings.” And that’s all she says, looking at Jamie, who starts biting his nail, even until blood starts forming and ready to spur up.

Me and Jamie leave them, there’s not much time left anyway and my parents don’t believe in love, it’s when I don’t understand why do people marry when they don’t want each other and spend reading different newspapers and separate televisions and each chooses a shower over a bath.


I just had my first exam so I wasn't really aware if it was funny or not, I kept thinking that everything is bad and tragic XD I really need sleep XD which is what I am going to do.

My local boots does indeed have condoms next to indigestion XD I have no idea why and I found it funny and I was hesitating whether to write the pencil scene in Fiji or not, but yeah :D Lucky you I wrote Fiji XD Just kidding, I write nearly everyday (it's exam season, I'm not alive everyday XD) and it might not be the next thing on the list but something else on the list, so yeah xD

I just added the herpes bit as I was asking Callie if the condom flavoured reference was understood, in the end here it is, as clear as day XD

I hope you enjoyed it and my humor is understood despite me being called a zombie by everyone today xD

Thank you :D Please request :)


Monday, 6 May 2013


I kept taking the hoodie out, seeing a hole in a sleeve, knowing that nearly all of Jamie’s wardrobe was the same and I’d inhale his smell, wondering how his parents looked like and what would he say. I walked and talked to my parents as well, Matthew being more silent, his hair still looking bad as he was desperately trying to grow it after turning an age where mom could no longer cut it as he would wail too much.

Dad didn’t bother as apparently he had long hair before, but parents tend to forget their own youth for whatever reason, I used to think that the roses of marriage swell up with all the rain and in the end they fall and that seemed to be it. But unlike other guys I’ve crushed on I could see Jamie growing old and grinning, wearing scarves and boots. I could see him still going for cheap wine sometimes, I could see his hair shorter, maybe still wearing a nose ring, I could see him and that was what mattered.

I could actually see him in my future, I could see us in his London apartment, I could still see him excitedly knocking on the window, that scene makes me grin so much that I wish I could hide behind a curtain of waves, but I don’t, I just show how interested I am until I can leave.

I come back to Jamie’s to see him shirtless, playing the guitar, smoking, eyes closed, hair longer than my own and I hug him from behind. He stops playing just to lean back and nuzzle my neck with his nose.

I’ve only got three days left and I kiss him until our shores will divide.

Jamie tells me to pick up the guitar and I do, after he sees that my fingers can’t seem to hold the chords he just tells me to play and I hesitate. I see a black nail varnish bottle lying under the couch, so I bend over, feeling Jamie looking at my ass as he slides a hand under my underwear, lifting my shirt slightly up, kissing my waistline, but I hold myself and I get the small bottle.

I plug the guitar into the amp and these weird noises come out and Jamie shows me a finger and gets a second guitar and a very dusty amp. The amp makes a few screeches and the wire had been fixed by duct tape and even by a white t-shirt torn in pieces, but I keep playing and Jamie joins in, pulling me on top of him, pulling my lips, biting my neck, taking off his jeans and my own.

I’m trembling, but I keep playing.

Jamie keeps misplaying as he is inside me, our bodies don’t touch a lot and I want to put the guitar down, but he doesn’t let me, instead our guitars crash and they make a noise, I think Jamie breaks a guitar string and my arms are shaking, my orgasm building strength, I start screaming and Jamie starts screaming, our mouths beginning to bleed from our teeth and fuck, it’s sexy, I open my eyes to see his and I see me on the floor, Jamie on top and then he pulls me back up, our broken strings tangled and I start thrusting harder, I taste his blood, I move his hair with my teeth.

“I love you.” I breathe out, my hair entirely wet, I keep shaking, getting orgasms in a row as Jamie keeps coming inside me, until I realize something and so does Jamie.

“Fuck!” He wants to pull off, but I come again screaming and Jamie screams.

“Fuck, I love you, I love you, I love you.” And he fucking comes inside me, thrusting hard, blood trailing down his neck and I’m sure it’s the same with mine.

Jamie stays inside me, because there’s not much point and we fuck again.


This surely has to be well, according to me, one of the best sex scenes I've ever written. I actually was rereading Fiji yesterday while thinking what to write next and I fell in love with my characters once again, I really love them, both Alison and Jamie here. I love their love and their passion and even how reckless they are XD yes, my favourite fact is that they forgot about a condom XD

I had the idea of breaking them up and making them meet many years later but instead Alison thinking about her future with Jamie was done instead, so that's not what is going to happen, but yes, I know the ending XD and trust me I'm as much of a fangirl as you are over Fiji :D

aaaah AlisonxJamie foreveeeeer :D (confetti party with Alison and Jamie photos everywhere)

hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, please please please request XD and a new chapter will be coming up tomorrow or so! :O so keep checking dundunduuuun! :D

Thank youuuu!




Saturday, 4 May 2013

Special K

If you give a handful of jelly bellies to a newborn, it will choke and die.

I quickly take off the coat, after the colour blue changes from pink and I exit the hospital, not wanting another child from Karen and making sure no coat was seen anywhere and that’s the benefit of a small clinic.

I had always wondered how would human flesh taste like so I even bit the child’s limb, feeling blood circulating in my mouth until enough saliva mixed with it.

And I swallow the piece off the bone, it felt salty mostly due to the blood and metallic.

I end up vomiting behind the parking lot, blood coming out, but I know that the blood is not mine.

I don’t have a shotgun to carry around and show how I was an avoidant child due to my mother. Instead I keep going, knowing that I can be caught, but I have no shotgun and it’s not that easy to kill oneself. Instead I have a date, so I keep walking, leaving my car parked and keep going on the empty morning streets, knowing that I should try sex first rather than something else, something I had read in a magazine while I was waiting for the delivery and for sleep to cling onto Karen.

She was waiting for me in a jeans’ store just like my brother had cheated on his girlfriend with a girl who sold jeans. While I had been walking towards the store a woman tried flirting with me by standing in the same way I had been, grinning at me even if I still have a gold ring around my finger.

I keep it to make some women lay off and attract the right women.

While I was walking to the hospital earlier a woman had died in my arms, she had been hit and I called the 911, giving her breathing exercises and trying random heart massages even if she was dying from blood loss and her brown hair was escaping from my lap, eyes closed and big lips opened wide and hoops dangling in blood, building webs of left life until she opened her eyes, looked at her nails and died again.

So I met Alison in that jeans store with her glasses round and we didn’t have sex, I’m not too much of a straight man, I’ll be the one making pancakes and crying over Weekend.

Then I look at Alison with her lips, her glasses

“I’m gay.”

And I don’t see the point anymore.


I had a day full of great ups and downs, so all the ideas came from today's scattered thoughts, the story ended up being different than intended, in the beginning:

Hold on, this is an Alison/Jack, I can't just leave it as a tragic weird Lana/Jack. Mind you I randomly stuck Lana in and let her die again without thinking of her being in the story xD

Then, well, I was planning it to be straight. I tried, ok? I really tried XD I failed, I'm a rainbow lol XD

And now, I'm off to bed.

Oh, the title is Special K because it was the last song I listened to while writing and I checked ketamine and seemed appropriate and there's also the cereal. And the story is open to interpretations :D

Thank you

Hope you enjoyed it


Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Dagger In My Head4

“Sometimes I wonder if I’m not a lesbian. But then...” Kate is smoking besides me, we’re both naked, two women, we could be in a painting. “I remember during sex, what makes me orgasm. Sometimes I wonder if women with men can orgasm.”

“Then why are you with a man?” I ask her.

“Because you don’t let me in. Everyone gets lonely and it’s better with someone whose beauty you can appreciate, I’ll use a vibrator either way, it just doesn’t matter. Now Jamie eats bacon sandwiches, so I have someone to do them when Lila Grace is at school.” She says.

I close my eyes to catch the bliss left from the orgasms.

I kiss her goodnight, as she stays over and I leave her in my bed, heading to the couch, then turning around and going to the bathroom, taking a bunch of hairpins and pinning my hair, knowing that Kate won’t be a reflection in my mirror, but rather a painted flower on my bed covers, a soiled bed which will leak forever from the fluids released, I’ve changed mattresses.


I hope you enjoyed it and I've got a lot in store really >:D (evil laugh)

So feel free to request :3