Friday, 20 December 2013

I Can't Wait7

Love intertwines, love bonds and love breaks.

I didn’t know if she wanted me to break the jar of feelings and let it shatter or write her a love letter instead.

The realization that she truly loves someone else scares me and now I can’t picture her face once I reach the bed, pulling the covers strictly over wishing I could put something to play and lull my thoughts, let me descend into some painful slumber which I can’t control but I will have the diazepam pill there, while here I’m naked. 

It keeps getting worse that I stalk his Facebook and I see his face and I wonder when will they be listed as dating, when she will dye her nails in front of him and I actually feel like putting both of us in a line, facing a mirror so that I can see what exactly I’m missing.

He starts getting me mad and seeing Alison is usually me staring outside at the window and she never bothers me and I never bother her. We don’t talk. All is trimmed and lost and forgotten. 

I keep getting asked if I’m okay as the candy cane and Christmas crackers season comes along and everyone has the same ones bought in Asda, some are even given around and some even use them indoors in classes as only a few days are left and the old council estates are long demolished, nearly all Polish businesses are gone from Gorgie and it fucking scares me. It feels like the whole city is whitewashed and I wonder what does my passport have that theirs doesn’t and if I’m so amazing with the blood flowing inside me, why can’t I have Alison?

It’s not even depression, it’s some bizarre strong form of self-loathing which battles inside me as the last few days continue and some assholes even hang mistletoes.

I can’t blame her.

I really can’t as I eat candy canes on the lesson and I walk around to bump into Meg again and I don’t know what’s even holding me anymore. Maybe I should, maybe it’s some twisted fate, maybe it’s always women who are older and she holds my gaze and she’s got candy canes sticking out of her bag.

Fuck it, everyone has motherfucking candy canes sticking out of their bags. 

With all the mistletoes I wonder if I will get a letter of recognition or I even think of Meg and how maybe I should drag her out somewhere, not that ever stopped me from Alison as she’d always head with me to the playground and tell me about all the vinyls she’d bought in her life, but now swings are like death to me. Something which I want to avoid until the end. 

I feel betrayed and I have no idea what to do really, everything is shit.

I can’t even walk up to anyone.

I wasn’t even aware I had to write someone a letter in Alison’s class to boost the damn Christmas spirit, so I get a big red envelope on my desk. Go away.

But I do look up and I don’t say that she’s shredded my soul instead I just open the envelope. Well, at least they weren’t pairing us boy-girl like in kindergarden. 

I see two tickets.

I don’t even know his damn name. But I do say thank you and proceed to read the back before the front, which causes him to rock on his heels, I’m sure he’s been watching me fall into self-hatred these past few weeks. Maybe Alison deliberately didn’t give me anyone. Maybe it was half-half, some give, some receive. 

It’s bizarre but one of the things which strike me is that they have sex and she’s enjoying it, I don’t know why, it gets to me, does he know how to even. It’s odd and I shake it away, nodding at the classmate whose name I won’t remember with his short haircut and brown eyes. 

Most likely she didn’t want me in it. The tickets are indeed blank I get to choose a movie with...

I look up. I honestly didn’t give a fuck. I should’ve. His hair is a regular cut, just emphasizing that we’re the same age only I try to look older so that I wouldn’t look into the mirror and think I’m Alison’s son. 

“Cheers.” I say again as I stick them back into the red envelope, it was a bit generous but then I see two girls give each other make up gift bags, so depends. I hesitate and I wonder if he realizes that I really don’t recall anyone’s names and Alison’s busy putting up the powerpoint. “...cheers.”

“Alex.” He says a bit peeved as I repeat cheers again.

“Right.” I don’t say I knew that. 


I'm sorry for the long wait I've had storage and a bunch of shite. Anyways, here it is :D it was a bit weird to come back to it after months of not writing it and originally Jack was s'posed to be with Meg here, but at the last moment I was like why don't I just drop Al here instead (coz he's pretty much shippable with anyone xD) and I wanted a bisexual character as I tend to have more homosexual or heterosexual or pansexual. And Jack's been dropping hints here and there, so here is Alex xD

I'm sorry but this is my second Jack/Alex so yeah. While I've got a few Meg/Jack and sorry but I do ship Alison/Jack a lot so yeah >.> 

And yeah. 

Pretty much was shocked to hear that Gorgie changed a lot, so of course I had to edit it considering where the story is set. I just really liked it the way it was, dunno, I don't think anyone has the fucking right to be racist and drive people out of the country just because their passports are different and frankly, I'm not imposing my views on anyone

I'm just being human.

And everyone else should too.

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request, the queue should be moving faster and if it's in the next 10 or so, keep checking as for instance this showed up before the current request, so please keep checking and ask me to write something faster if you really want me to, just pop even a small line saying you like it, that'll make my day and I should have it up soon then:) but still following the queue  just not as strictly as before :D


I Can't Wait8


  1. hey, I just really love this story and I'm very excited to know where this is going.....

  2. Hey!!!! Aww, thank you so so so much!! I was anxious what if no one cared about it anymore to be very very honest :D I'm currently writing the next chapter so it should be up soon!! I've been posting new stories and updates, a lot of updates and I've got a bunch of stuff written so keep checking as I'll be posting nearly every day now :)

    thank you so so so much!!! It should be up soon!