To Miles 20

I am an abyss and Julian keeps trailing after me, as if I’ve got all the treasures in the world hidden in me, because I’ve got such a big hole inside me, when yeah, the hole is big, but there’s nothing in it, Miles yanked himself out of it. 

I am the person who sent off Paul and Daniel, it wasn’t me, but I hated that person and here I am, leaning back from Julian who wants to put his arm around my shoulders, for comofort and at the same time I know he feels guilty, but out of all of us gunners and a loader he’s the one who is taking the blow less, as he is dunked in to the ears in this bizarre story he’s writing about us, where I don’t want to be the main character in his life. I know. Julian keeps trailing after me and I just know that I have to send someone off and I walk every possible way to avoid Hince and I even sit all day playing poker with Julian and Carlos who thinks we don’t see that he has a whole damn deck of cards tucked into his sleeve, I’m just thankful we didn’t start off betting money straight away, but once we did I pulled Carlos’ sleeve and Julian rolled his eyes at me, to leave him alone.

I still wonder why does he have this friendliness to someone as stupid and Carlos just hissed at me, saying that it’s no fun if you can’t win Julian’s candy (Julian was also betting with candy). I struggled for a while and I just gave in an extra notebook, which I was sure I wouldn’t use and I’d rather lose it than end up gambling with Carlos on money. 

I feel like Julian is in my face and it starts being another dance, maybe it’s because dancing is somewhat related to life, you keep changing partners and now I’m on a different dancefloor finally, all filled with men and I don’t think there is someone specific who is supposed to the woman, there should be someone who leads and I start feeling that it is Julian, as he yanks my arm in the next morning, after I had simply slept with Albert far too easily, I had used the same technique of waiting in the bathroom only it had taken a while and for some reason I was pondering if I should have my shirt off and whoever would lay their eyes on me would be it. Would be the one off.

It was bizarre, it was as if I had been searching for Julian on his lips as he had tugged me all out of my clothes. I didn’t feel like him, but I had to do it. It felt bizarre and I had stretched out the making out, shoving both of us in a cubicle again as I had kept pulling him closer, feeling his hips digging into my own, dreading the fabric between us.

He had been a good kisser and I wondered would I be just as sore at Julian as he was? Would I?

Albert went on his knees and I had too many images in my head, I felt my whole body sore and whining if I think of Miles and I recalled how we had kissed for the first time and I got even more turned on as Albert took me in his mouth and I thrust lightly, a bit guilty that I was blocking him out and the thought that I had lost Miles, I had imagined that it was Miles on his knees and I just kept biting my lips, thrusting harder as I kept getting close and closer. I felt bad that I thrust a bit too deep that he gagged lightly before swallowing. 

I gave myself much less than half a minute and I was on my knees, not eager to do anything else, feeling myself even a bit bored, but at least I was doing something right when he came. 

Hince didn’t do anything as I had woken him up and I stood strictly near the door, but he did roll on his heels for a while, thinking if he should let me go, he pressed me against the door and kissed me to which I gave in, hoping that lighting the fire would mean that he’d let me go. 

“Night.” I said as I pushed him off lightly and he had just let himself smirk and watch me leave, amused but frankly I knew that I had just gotten lucky. Albert and Carl would be sent when we’d reach shore tomorrow and frankly as soon as morning hit was when Julian pulled my hand. I don’t think anyone would really work, as there was nothing much and cleaning the cannons could be done even at midnight with a cigarette between your teeth out of boredom. 

I wonder if I kicked Albert out because he had been mean to Juju, I honestly don’t know and maybe it had been because he was an ex, but then Miles and Julian were exs as well. I just dressed up, Julian pretty much jumping and Miles with his back to us, Carlos was goofing off and we’d get the missing loaders today. Julian shook Miles to which he turned around, his eyes still soft from sleep and a smile nearly reached his lips as he watched me before he realized that I’d be sending off his crew and he just focuses on Juju instead.

“Miles, you coming with me and Al?” Miles just shook his head, trying to fake more sleep in his movements and turned back to face the wall, as Julian just shrugged and it was his queue to keep getting me out the ship. We had decided for civilian, I guess it was some mutual understanding that we could head somewhere where our uniform even if it would attract someone else was far from a good idea. 

Julian pushes me out and I just head back to get my wallet and I take my sunglasses, the idea emerging from Julian putting on his and it is some shard of summer lying around in the weather. Julian looks a bit goofy as usual and he heads off with a lollypop and offers me a watermelon one, I figure to take it, knowing that he’ll surely load up even if he had lost an entire handful of chocolate candy to Carlos yesterday. 

Heading off in plain clothes makes me forget sometimes, because I usually head out in the uniform, something we all do and take pride in and those who still manage to crawl back to women say that it attracts the girls, but I’ve surely had it back when me and Matt were on shore and we had these two girls and Matt just slipped that I wasn’t interested and quickly said that my girlfriend was pregnant and that we were going to get married on my next leave, of course I had joked to Lana that we were getting married and she just told me to fuck off, trying to burn my hair with a lighter. 

We both put on our sunglasses at the same time and nod at each other, before laughing, maybe I’m trying too hard, maybe I’ve muted myself too much. It feels odd and relaxing with Juju with a fake watermelon flavouring on my tongue. 

It’s bizarre to be out, but I think yesterday where the most I got was Miles sitting opposite me because I was the last one to sit and it would be rude for him to trade places with Carlos or Julian and the small phrase, that was painful but I knew what I had done and what I was doing,

maybe because he knew that I’d keep doing it, was the thing which stopped him.

I just had to keep convincing myself that he still loved me and the thought travelled through my blood, sometimes bringing it pain and I wondered whether it was oxygen or venom. The effect was too slow and I wasn’t sure if it was a side-effect or the real effect which should be shot at me. 

Julian had suggested to go to the movies and it felt bizarre as we walked to check out the airing movies, that while we’d be watching something when ships were already being sank and frankly the thought that submarines were attacking wasn’t the best thought as you go to sleep and I think soon enough any noise or opened door would soon leave us all alert and already standing, sleep chucked far away. 

We arrive at the cinema and I still find it funny how to so many people I am straight and once they’d find out that I’d been fucking men for years and intending to do so against the word of Jesus Christ, they’d pretty much turn their back on me and hide their children’s eyes and call me a child molestor. Julian instantly points at a colourful poster with a woman and a bunch of creatures behind her which is based on Wizard of Oz.

“Really, Juju?” I ask as I keep my hands in my pockets and I pretty much expect a bunch of children singing and I think we’ll look even more suspicious, but the younger man already goes to the queue, still sucking on his lollypop. Well, maybe we can in some twisted way still pass as brothers, but then that would make it more creepy for the people around us. I calm down to see some other girls younger than Julian, but we’re not the only ones who buy the tickets. Julian buys us both, so I just buy all the treats and Julian pretty much starts eating the popcorn nearly instantly as I get us fizzy drinks as well. And as I had predicted there are a lot of children and I keep my sunglasses on as I wonder who the fuck I’m I hiding from.

Maybe I should be thankful that it is the first time Julian is watching this, otherwise he’d be singing the songs and I’d have to sing along as he’d motion me to. As Julian watches this and I pretty much keep myself distracted with too many thoughts circulating in my head, but I know the plot and I keep looking at her red shoes, wondering why did it never occur to her, why did Dorothy never trip?

Maybe a few years ago I’d care, if I went with Matt, I think I’d just sit there as Matt would make sex jokes, pointing at the screen and saying how the tin man would fuck the scarecrow or something and I feel myself sulk a bit and I don’t notice Juju while chewing looking at me. I feel a bit intimidated and even if we’re the only ones in the row, I still feel scared as he pulls me closer to him, also clutching me at the back of my head, giving me a tingling feeling and a sense of deja vu as he pulls me closer. I can’t imagine that he’s Miles, but I can just pretend as he kisses me again and I know he’s not, he’s got that feeling at the back of his head that he’s attracted to me, as he closes his brown eyes,

I do reply though, hesitating but I put my arm around his shoulders, pulling us a bit down, to avoid some feeling of fear in my own mind, as we keep making out, but once a song starts, Julian pulls away and I’m left bewildered, a bit shaking, so I just drink Coca-Cola to calm down myself as I look at the screen and pretty much the only thing I like is the costumes and some kids who try to pick up on some songs and how their parents hush at them. I could stitch some for Halloween, I guess, which is what sometimes I’ve done for Matt and myself as well or his little sister, just to shrug it off.

I try to intoxicate my mind with thought of Matt and I start searching for my lighter as I take out a cigarette and Julian just shakes his head, hearing the click as he watches the screen, grinning and I wonder if a kid had managed to simply sneak into the navy. I smoke the cigarette, waiting for the rest to finish and I find myself more entertained by Julian’s jaw and sexual thoughts start creeping onto me again and I think I’ve got enough men to juggle with in my head and I blame it on the fact that Julian himself is playing with the thought. Playing.

I try to shove the thought even deeper in my mind, but it seems to surface by the end of the movie and before the credits roll I wonder if I should risk and kiss him again, but I’m not sure that throwing fire on fire would be beneficial, so when I get closer to him, Julian flicks his eyes one last time at the movie and kisses me, holding the kiss and I wonder how much am I attracted to him, because I’ve been shoving him away, but Matt’s not gay and Miles is pretty much angrily sleeping in his bunk or having fun with Carlos, which I doubt and I wonder if I can see him today on shore, if I can see him in a gay bar again with a Martini, but then I’ve got Julian who now keeps humming Over the Rainbow as we leave and I just eat the rest of the popcorn as apparently the big bucket was too much for the young sailor. 

I wonder how would it be to hold hands in the daylight and the only thing I can do is put my arm around his shoulders, a plain friendly gesture but something you can really identify if you know, so I keep it and we go to the pier, maybe a bit too attached to the sea and soon enough we’re near the fair and among the sea of people I wish I’d see Miles. Julian pretty much chooses every ride which we pay in turns and I’m thankful I haven’t spent anything yet, so we just keep paying and I’m guessing another person would puke from all the bizarre roller coasters we’ve tried with Julian screaming louder than any woman and pretty much giggling over any kid ride. 

The only one they let Juju in without mocking that he’s old is the merry-go-round which is with a bunch of fools like us. Of course Julian chooses the black horse and I feel even more gay riding the white one next to him and I wonder if I should feel humiliation as Julian stretches out to grab the ring and that’s when I look at the queue and I see 

If I could stop the ride, I surely would.

Instead I just look back to see Matt look back at me, but he isn’t as lost as I am as he starts waving at me. I feel my whole body freeze up, but Julian is too immersed in trying to get the free ride and he does manage to get one and I try to congratulate him as we get off and I feel myself yanked into a strong embrace.

I feel myself melt, yet I hold myself as I always do. I always hold myself. He pulls away, grinning at me and I see that he’s went for an even shorter version of his previous haircut and I feel myself smile. We don’t say anything for a while, as I notice that he’s alone, thankful that he’s not with a girl.

Julian already gets back to the black horse, hopeful that he’ll get the ring and looks at me confused as I look at Matt, as if he’s a long lost lover and I guess he is.

“Oh, Julian, this is Matt.”

Shit.

I realize that Julian knows who Matt is and I hope he’ll keep his mouth shut, as Julian salutes him and the ride is about to begin, so Juju thinks it’s necessary to prepare. 

“You riding?” I ask Matt, trying to really hide the softness in my voice and I hate how my love for him comes in waves, I think this always happens when I’m single or yeah, when I’m single or not being scared of being the next one to go after Paul. 

“Me? No. Um, I’ll rather just hang out with you.” Matt smiles and I’m staring at his lips. Shit.

“We can both ride-”

“And try to get a free ride?” Matt just smirks at me. I just shrug and he pulls me into a tight embrace again. I ease myself in his hug before I finally hug him back and we pull away and I can’t get the stupid grin off my face. I don’t want to leave Julian, but when Matt offers me to try the shooting ducks. We wait for a bit and I look back to see Julian trying to mimic that he managed to get another free ride, so I wait in queue to see Matt try his luck and I think we do look like suckers without our uniforms, so Matt just stretches the time, aims a bit aimlessly, giving me a quick wink before aiming and shoots the duck right in the heart and I catch him at the right moment when he turns to look at me with something I’ve seen too much in other men, myself and sometimes Matt, that look which pretty much I’d touch myself to, thinking that he wants me back, but he blinks it away and gets a weird stuffed teddy bear which looks like it was also shot in the face by Matt and he puts it on my head, our eyes meeting for a bit

and for a soft moment I wish we were ok. 

-

Wow, chapter 20. I'll be honest I didn't have this much joy over writing a chapter in a while, as I was really excited and initially this was going to be a sole date between Al and Juju, but then as I was writing it I was like WAIT I CAN STICK MATT IN HERE OH MY GOD MATT MATT MATT DHSGCHJDSCJ

Anyway, I ship Alex/Matt hard in general and specifically in this story. I dunno, I just love them together and my gf was pretty much excited and jumpy reading it as I was writing it. I love them. I love Matt and Matt really wasn't planned to appear, so I don't know what will happen, so we'll see :O and shit, I want to write the next chapter now, so I'm sorry (or not??) that tomorrow most likely I will also post To Miles :O but we'll see, I just love him and Matt too much, but obviously not as much as Miles/Alex, it is called To Miles for a reason (massive hint). 

Albert getting kicked off was pretty random as I was thinking who to kick off, so sorry :\

Wizard of Oz feels like a good addition, first of all Old Yellow Bricks, then the Brits and in general Friends of Dorothy :D so it was pretty much me checking what was airing in the cinema at that time:) Also Alex was the scarecrow at the Brits and Matt was the tin man *hint hint*.

I also ship Julian/Al but in a friendship sort of way, but Julian manages to kind of sexualize it, so yeah and Al doesn't seem to mind.

Also I had forgotten for a split second that Julian, knows who Matt is and Miles as well, so pretty much everyone besides Matt knows about Alex's feelings towards him. GAH, MATT APPEARED. GHVHJV MATT MATT MATT KHSJHCK

I was thinking to make him show up with some random girl, but then I was like NO HE CAME FOR AL, HAHA. 

My gf was pretty much helping me research as usual :3 and initially Matt was going to appear here (after I decided that Matt would appear) while shooting the ducks and Al would notice him, but it happened faster and gah. 

And I've realized that I really really love Al a lot as a character, I dunno, I just love him a lot.

Anyway, I hope you loved it as much as I did and thank you for loving the story as much as I do :3 Feel free to request:3

<3

To Miles 21