To Miles 22

I keep my mouth shut and they bring our milkshakes, I was so immersed in the thoughts of Miles, that I didn’t even notice Matt’s own choice of milkshake as he keeps making Lil’ Al do a can-can. I don’t think he cares as he takes a sip, still watching me and our eyes meet so I just lower to head against the table, my thoughts a clutter of unwanted memories and emotions. 

“You fucked him as well?” Matt pauses and chews on the straw. It’s a faint trace of jealousy which can easily be rubbed away with the back of the hand, but Matt never had much jealousy even if he’d see a girl he’s dating with someone else, he’d have a bit, but it was so minor that always made me wonder how much jealousy is stored inside, but for some reason that seemed to soothe me like some cough syrup, only I’m guessing it’s a short lived solution. But sometimes he’s easy to read, but not so often, sometimes when he’d daze off on the boat and before I’d wake him he’d smile and close his eyes and I’d trace that moment and I wished I had the guts to kiss him because I had honestly believed that if I would he’d kiss me back, maybe as a dream, but I didn’t think that as Matt.

I still don’t know where the courage had managed to reach me when we had been on that Valentine’s day with so many streamers that the place seemed to be a jungle and Matt had been dragging his cigarette too strongly and somehow we kept looking at each other and I had a horrid haircut, deciding to go shorter than usual and it had been nearly shaved with just a stripe. And I had grabbed his cigarette to which Matt paled and a smile had softly reached his lips before I kissed him, my own hands trembling and not even alert enough to understand that he was kissing me back, that our tongues had already managed to more than rub against each other and the cigarette was left to burn in my fingers. 

I look up at Matt’s eyes again.

He had kissed me back and the urge is like a seesaw coming back to me after all these years hidden in the same person. 

It’s sad that I only have one memory to cling onto and at the same time I’m happy that I’ve got at least one memory to cling onto, considering that we’ve both kissed each other and I just couldn’t stop myself, my mind not registering anything and desire pushing too far, blocking myself, giving me a permanent state of shock even now that his lips had mutually been on my own. 

My lips ache to feel that kiss again, but instead I just focus on my milkshake. The desire slowly dissolving all my senses, all my conscious thoughts and my awake state. 

“Yeah, um, we did.” I feel my lips a bit too cold now and Matt just smirks, but notices the sad tint in my voice and sighs, but doesn’t make any movements before a small smirk crosses his lips. 

“Is he a better fuck than I am?” He holds his laugh by biting his tongue and looking at me in the eye as I quickly look away, a bit hurt, the nudge far too painful because if I had the guts I would just stand up and sit on top of him, making out, pulling his shirt up.

“We never fucked, Matt.” I smirk and I try to hide the pain in my voice. I try to understand where the waitress went to order and that’s my small distraction from his smug smile. 

“Ok then what do you think?” Matt pauses. “Would I be a better fuck?”

“Not a chance. You’ve slept with too many women, you’re dazing off on the good sex scale.” I give that as a comeback and I take the straw in my hands, bending it far too many times wondering how many times has Matt’s heterosexuality bent a bit too far as he had made out with me. And I look at him in the eye, biting my bottom lip, he looks a bit taken back. Once he looks away I smirk and shrug with my shoulders. “See? Not queer enough.”

He chucks Lil’ Al’ at my head and I duck causing the bear to fly to the next empty table so I have to get him and I stick him back in Matt’s shirt as he just watches me with an amused look on his face and I realize that I’m too close and perhaps it’s not even a question of fear and I look around all my blood electrified and his lips at reach as I tuck the bear deeper, thankful that everything is empty and thoughts rush away from my head as I can even feel Matt’s breath against mine but I push myself away and Matt grabs my arm as recklessness is meant to happen and he pulls me closer, grabbing me by the shoulder and we are left an inch apart.

I’ve known every shade and emotion pass through those blue eyes and I’ve felt those lips.

Fear takes in the shape of my whole body, choking me before all reality collapses and all reason seems to leave, all future collapsing, all my body so light and open as my arms are around his neck and I don’t

know

how much can I hold, as he closes his eyes and kisses my cheek and there’s the split second which is the only divider between me and him and it happens again

another memory to be cherished as we both collapse, kissing and it’s different than before it’s not a shock again, it’s more of us colliding, a taste of the sudden change and the stir of the late summer as he pulls me closer, stroking my back and it’s... more like us. It’s not him hiding or me scared. 

I’m blushing feeling all my self kiss all of his and soon enough we pull back just to pull back in and actually kiss again, holding the lust behind and keeping it brief as I sit back to see the waitress emerge as we just sit silent for a few minutes and our eyes only meet once we get asked our orders and the light kiss still in place in the memory of my mouth. But fear is just a pawn here which had managed to make itself a dame.

Once she’s gone and back to the kitchen I don’t really know what to say besides lean a bit in and start destroying my bottom lip with my teeth as Matt sighs.

“Ok, I have.” He says and I just lean back, a bit confused and fidgety, wondering what the fuck and I glance at the door where the waitress left and then I look back at Matt.

“You have what?” I ask him still confused.

“Slept with a guy.” I keep my pause and Matt just laughs embarrassed and I don’t know what’s more shocking to me that his tongue was in my mouth or that he had allowed someone else to touch him, a bit of jealousy rises and I wonder why the fuck had I never gone on top of him, pinning him down like all those years in school I had been dying and we could’ve just fucked and none of this mess would’ve happened with Miles-

Miles.

I try to brush him away but it’s as if he had pulled up a chair near us and is drinking coffee, watching me, ignoring Matt and listening the conversation just from my side. 

“What?” But that’s not even the right question. “When?”

Matt looks down and takes the bear out of his shirt hem and throws him a bit up in the air. then his eyes meet mine and for some reason I still see him as my closest friend and this is just like any conversation of him saying how he had gotten into close to a girl in her bedroom and I’d just listen, a bit bored by the details of how she had felt against his fingers and how soft had her breasts and lips been. 

Matt pushes the bear towards me and I push him back in a soccer manner as he keeps trying to find the right words. He scratches the back of his head and I ruffle all the men who I’ve known with him on carriers, but there’s too many who are even just gay on a boat. 

“...You remember Jack, he was a pilot.” I pale up. But Matt continues talking. “Well, he was gay and it was maybe a while before his death...”

Matt pauses again.

“Yeah, just a while and I wasn’t too close with him but he had asked me about you since well, everyone knows we hang out a lot. Well, he was queer and he asked me about you, how come...” Matt stops and I’m guessing he wants to keep some things to himself. “I wasn’t going for you or any guy really and well, you know, you just hook up really.”

And he swallows and the waitress brings the food and I think I oversalt my fries as I wait for her to bring everything, the milkshake refills and the pepper Matt had asked for and it’s weird knowing that a man I had a short fling with was indeed gay and it’s odd that he had been with both me and Matt with his life ending far earlier before ours and had known us both nude. 

I still wonder how was he really like and if he was my queer replacement for Matt as I just wished that he had been my neighbor, that I had fished with him that I had kissed him on that Valentine’s day that the first man I had touched with no regrets had been him, not scared of the mouth not being shut and knowing every single memory and school record of smoking. 

So how much was Jack Matt and how much was Matt Jack?

“But...had you known him?” I still ask and I think it’s only polite to ask about an old lover and I wonder how much will either I hold from asking about sex questions and how had they done it or if Matt himself will tell. For some odd reason it arouses me that he wouldn’t hopefully be as clueless and well, the fact that he’s done it already and I feel myself exhaling some very old gulp of air I’ve been holding ever since I’ve realized how much I had loved him. Matt just shakes his head and I can’t even eat, I just drink the milkshake letting the food go cold as I watch Matt playing with his own fries.

It’s odd.

I don’t think I’ve ever thought that the possibility of us fucking would ever be close. 

I do sit back and relax in the chair, not holding my wide smile as Matt just sighs, looking down and smiling to himself. But then he just breaks a fry in two. 

“But, Al...” I raise my brows at him. “What now?”

“What do you mean what now?” I laugh at him, my laugh sounding a bit broken and bitter. “What do you mean what now, I’ve been chasing after you for years, Matt. I fucking lov-”

“Al!” Matt interrupts me as the waitress is just heading back and I just put my knife and fork down. I wait for her to go back, studying her uniform with it’s light blue fabric until she leaves and I meet Matt’s eyes. 

“No, fuck off, Helders.” I actually point at him. Now I’ve got a lump in my throat. “I’ve known you since you ever even have a thought about women or girls. I fucking went through all of your shit girlfriends with their giggles, I’d cover up for you and you just played around, ok, amazing, the Valentine’s day kiss-”

“I meant it.”

“Well, thank you, now even that can’t be shrugged off to a foggy mind due to alcohol. That could’ve fucking been shrugged off. One time thing, but you fucking Jack and now making out with me. Fuck me, Helders, you’ve always loved me as well.” I say with my whole body shaking as the realization dawns on me and I just look down at my pants, biting my lip. The sudden bang came to me as I was talking and I look up to see him lost, confused and I’m sure he’s not as queer as I am, he had managed to sleep with women, find them amusing and actually like them. I despised them, I hated the fact that I had to be with one, not even for the sex but for all the sappiness, for all the moments when I’d be told to sit and be served things I could do myself and raise children, telling them how happy I’d be with their mother and I’d sneak out to the gay bars just to keep fucking other men and my wife would just smile it off, thinking that her apple pie’s crust is keeping me away and she’d go insane wondering why the fuck is Alex not doing his marriage duties and once she’d find out I’d be given to the devil already. 

“You’ve always loved me.” I repeat.

“Al.” He’s scared.

“No, you’ve always loved me. All those girls and Jack, fucking hell, what the fuck were you thinking?” My voice is shaking and there is this bittersweet happiness that perhaps that kiss back at Valentine’s day had been the most honest and open and vulnerable I’ve ever seen Matt and will ever see, but no

now I know him.

I don’t know how much he fancies other men or if he’ll ever find anyone else attractive or if he’ll ever try women again, but I know that he loves me, maybe even just as much and he’s-

Shit, he has right and the fear still spins in my body, what if I’ve gotten it all wrong, but he doesn’t deny it neither does he confirm it, making the spider spin stronger threats to choke me with and leave me dead cold in, not even to eat, just to discard or maybe scare other men off with. 

“Al... we’ll get kicked out of the navy.”

“Matt, you do realize how many gay men come and go.”

“Al, you’re kicking them off.”

“Exactly. I AM kicking them off, it’s ok for me to sleep around and for fuck’s sake, how the fuck did you think Miles is still on board?” I ask him, maybe showing the Miles card to get out some jealousy even if me and Miles had only had sex once and it still feels like losing half my body when I recall that he won’t even speak to me and the other part which is left of me is screaming for Matt to stay, not to leave me for me not to crumble. 

“So, you’re seeing him.” Matt says bitterly.

“No, but-”

“So are you?”

“...No.” I swallow. I don’t want to start this. “We broke up.” 

“There you go.” Matt snaps and he realizes that he might’ve been too harsh as I put the cutlery in the middle of the plate, not eating and I leave the damn bear behind as I stand up and he stands up as well, his hand reaching out for my arm and I just push it off. “Al.”

Not Miles, just don’t fucking talk to me about Miles and I can still see him whispering in my ear, how we had stayed up the night talking and how Julian had joined and all of a sudden I wish I had spent all this time with him and his stupid obsession with horse rides and desire to reach for the damn ring. 

“What?” I snap a bit too loudly and once we hear the door we just sit back and stick our mouth with fries, chewing, glaring at each other a bit too much as she asks us if we want anything else and once she’s gone Matt swallows and gives a smirk. I just roll my eyes back at him. 

“Your face.” He starts laughing and I see how anxious he is. 

“Yeah, well, fuck you too.” I don’t even look at him as I take a bite of my burger, feeling that it barely has any ketchup and it’s right next to Matt’s hand, so instead of asking I just stretch my hand out. Matt tries to make me look at him and I give up. Then he just sighs. 

“Ok, what do you want me to do?” But I keep my silence, smirking. 

-

This is indeed more of a Malex chapter than Milex, but as my gf said it, you still get a lot of insight of Alex's feelings towards both Matt and Miles. And gah, I was so anxious while I was writing this that when I was writing the kiss, I was like shit (I stopped with Al's arms around Matt's neck) and I just kept getting anxious because this was supposed to happen much much later on but in the end I am content as Matt still is confused and not sure where he should go with Al.

And of course one of the best scenes is "Fuck me, Helders, you've always loved me as well." Makes my heart swoon just as much, trust me xD 

And another character whose death I can't get over with is Jack and the full role of Jack will be revealed later and yeah, he's very metaphorical here. I guess… heads up who guesses what Jack's role actually is in the story xD 

Another thing I had thought of Jack and Matt actually shagging before and I wasn't sure if I should go ahead, but it seemed more realistic for Matt to actually have hooked up with someone and in this case who is also attracted to Al and I pretty much love how everyone is intertwined here like literally everyone is, I even have those graphs (yes like the L Word one but for the love of fuck don't talk to me about it xD it was so so bad, but yeah, I've got a graph with who fucked who in the story xD) Also the mystery of Jack's sexuality is revealed xD

And there's a more accurate description of the Valentine's Day kiss here:3 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and any feedback would be amazing as you know I'm an anxious person xD 

So yeah, feel free to request and I hope you enjoyed it and ship Malex as much as I do :3

<3

To Miles 23