To Miles 23

My heart is racing under my tongue and my body is fully given to Matt. The jaws of anxiety have seemed to unclench and too much is put at stake in the open air as we continue eating and the silence which holds is far too thin to even notice. I think loving Matt is like an open wound to the chest, affecting the lungs, ceasing the breathing. 

There is a bizarre feeling of guilt and pleasure as anxiety and fear intertwine making a rough rope which seems to choke me around the throat. 

The feeling of love makes everything worse and we pay and walk out just as silent, we both know the natural progression and what is on each other’s minds. I’ve got a whirlwind of emotions which fogs me up entirely and I can’t help but think of Miles as I stand outside the hotel, wishing that I were to see my former lover, but I think I’ve had enough luck on my side. I smoke a cigarette, giving Matt enough time to book the room and I wonder if I will ever have the guts to touch him, but the tables have surely turned and they seem to be in our favor. All of a sudden it’s not even me anymore, but it’s him and it’s in his eyes and it all seems to shatter everything. I take one last drag before just throwing it on the pavement and rubbing it deeper with my heel. 

Walking in is bizarre because frankly everyone still is under the impression that the navy are a bunch of men jolly protecting the country, so me heading upstairs is also seen as something innocent and never ever gay. The bitterness under my tongue stings as I meet Matt near the elevator and we head in, not touching and even having our backs pressed against opposite walls. I don’t look at him and I know that it’s stupid if I don’t go for it because I don’t know if he ever will again.

The keys open the door far too swiftly and the room seems too empty and cold. I don’t move when the door is closed, I just keep still and I look at the window blinds as I feel Matt squeeze my bottom lip between his thumb and index finger and I look at him before he moves closer.

I feel terrified all of a sudden and I’m scared of his kiss as he leans in.

“Fuck you.” He stops, lips nearly on my own. My eyes are closed and I’m trembling. I don’t know what I’m doing. He’s a coward. I stop him before he says my name by actually pushing him onto the bed harshly and going on top of him, making out, biting his lips far too harshly. I don’t know if I want this silent vow with only our heavy breathing as Matt takes off my shirt and starts biting the skin on my neck as I just give up and start moaning a horrid sense of deja vu from all the times I’ve touched myself to and hoped that he would. And when his hand goes to my zipper I can’t help but moan, stopping everything as I press my head against his shoulder, sucking on the skin gently as he starts stroking me over the fabric. Maybe I don’t need anything else. It feels oddly enough, yet feels as if it’s about to spill as I lean my head back, his lips back on my neck.

I wonder how often has Matt also thought of this. How much has this went through his head, how much had he wanted me as he pins me down on the bed and I pull his pants down, taking off his shirt, throwing down the damn bear and I remove the rest of the clothing. It’s not that we don’t have enough time, but everything is in a bit too much of a haste and fear as I think that I’m the one who is just as afraid as he is and maybe even more. 

I breathe out as he starts kissing me down, stroking me harder and not letting me touch him as he holds one of my hands down by the wrist and I’m already occupied as he glances at me before taking my cock in his mouth. I bite my bottom lip far too hard, holding from thrusting fully in his mouth as he slowly starts sucking on the tip, still stroking fast and slowly getting more in his mouth as I stop holding and my hard breathing is far more than audible as holds my hand down harshly and I dig my nails into the mattress as he takes his hand off and starts booming me. I stop holding and moan fully, the fact that the walls might be thin just coming in the back of my head as he starts sucking harder. I get my other hand and place it on his head, holding him down so that he’ll take more in. 

I keep thrusting deeply into his mouth, getting very near as Matt keeps sucking on, licking and driving me very close to the edge as I keep moaning, hoping that people just think that I’m just fucking some girl far too audibly which sounds absurd, but Matt gets my thinking way off, turning it off completely and I don’t even comprehend when he pulls me out and I just stare at him, not even able to say anything as he goes on top of me and I just close my eyes in pleasure as he pulls me closer to him, letting his tongue deep in my mouth, making out, pulling me closer and riding me. 

I moan heavily with my breathe intertwined as I thrust all my energy going somewhere to hold as he keeps thrusting against me as I am very near, but Matt slows down every fucking time he sees my body relaxing and I grunt every fucking time and then I don’t hold and I pull him closer, taking his cock in my hand and stroking it as fast as I can and I press a rough kiss against his lips, glancing at him and we both dissolve, coming and letting out the breaths we’ve been holding, gasping for air in the last moments of orgasm and Matt collapses against me as I keep trying to even my breath, holding him tightly and kissing his forehead, my mind a bewildered playground full with fences hiding fear behind it. But for now I’m happy on the swings with Matt. 

My heart aches as we get under the soiled covers, not bothered and I stare at the ceiling, the words resting on my lips far too easily, but neither of us says anything. 

I turn to look at him, a bit broken and instead we just give in to look at each other, the same way we’ve always had but it’s different this time, we both know that there’s no major lies, the main act has decided to take it’s course and here we are, post-sex in the stuffy room which hints far too much what we’ve done, if you ignore the two naked men in bed. 

We’re on the brink and I keep my eyes closed, it’s not that there isn’t any magic, it’s more that it’s fading away, Matt’s not moving closer, it feels as if we were just trying to achieve something closer, as if the fact that we had fucked-

I never heard that he loves me from his own mouth and technically mine can also be muted by memory as my thoughts are just white noise and I open my eyes, wondering if I can be by a lake with humming bugs and just read something or if Matt can mock me for my Wilde hair. And I’m not sure I want that anymore, maybe I just want to sulk after Miles, I honestly don’t know and I think we both do what we do best. It’s time for both of us to slowly start heading back anyway and I sit up first, grabbing the pants from under the bed and spotting the rest of everything, even the damn bear lying around. I feel like I’ve fucked a thousand men which is far from the truth and I just feel Matt’s eyes on me. 

I wished I was Wilde without the trials and the lover which dragged on, I didn’t really have thoughts of other men and even now with Miles entirely taking over my mind, his hands on my cheeks as he stands behind me and pulls me lower but not low enough to see him and I can only imagine his cropped hair, grin and light accent. I can only imagine his long fingers which I feel and I wonder why didn’t I pay more attention to how he smokes, how he drinks coffee, when it was all carefree when he would try to open the hatch, I wish I could relive that small moment when I had met his dark brown eyes and how everything seemed to freeze like midnight on New Year’s Eve when it turns the clock and you know you’re gone, but you’re left and you’re pushed forward to another year of life, something unexpected and only by the end I’ll truly know if I can regret this year or not.

I put on my shirt and I do my pants, Matt slowly standing up. I wonder if he knows and he walks up to me and my lips ache for his touch, I don’t know if I love or I have loved. It’s a part of me which I don’t know when expires or will expire so we look at each other, a bit too softly, both lost as Matt breaks it and picks his own clothing and I wonder what do the cleaners think of the soiled sheets, if they know or if they think they have never crossed paths with a gay man in their lives, let alone two who have their feelings so twisted. I don’t even know which new love erased or overwrote the old one and I don’t even know which feelings are the new ones and where they are pulling me apart to, what’s the substitute for all of this. 

Sometimes even looking at Wilde, being dead sounds appealing because there had been something mutual which had went on instead of this twisted dancing in the corner and eyes closed with a palm with lips ready for some shattered kiss. And I don’t know how I feel about Matt’s desire not to be seen, which is arguable because we all don’t want to, but something about it bothers me, maybe because just like when I had kissed him, I had felt blessed that this mistake had been done in my favour. 

My mind is a seesaw with fuck it on one end and the other with why the fuck don’t I suck it up? I feel guilty for bringing this as we both do our shoes, make the bed, which is pretty much high evidence and I could see the flashes as we get our numbers issued and I;m sure I’d try to stretch my arm in front my eyes, squinting. 

When we leave all I can do is extract a cigarette with aching hands. I feel empty, yet the emptiness is giving my body an insane pressure building inside which seems to try an shatter me but the skin is holding me intact as the lower layer aches, leaving me air headed and wishing I could take a shower and faint in it.

We depart, no words said, Matt being too much of a coward up to the point that I have no energy to grab him by his shoulders and shake him, I just can’t. It’s odd to leave him again and I try not to look back, getting another cigarette and wondering where would Julian be but the bed covers over my head seem like a good option, the last thing I do is head into a bookstore, just rummaging through the titles, as I’m not to far off from the ship and I’ve got plenty time and I could see anyone, but everyone is already a slap in the face as I wonder if I can still write letters to Matt and what the fuck would happen and how come my mind had erased our last encounter so fast yet my whole body is trembling. I don’t bother much once I see a queer women’s book, it seems a fair choice rather than reading something about people who I will never be close to and I’ve heard Lana talk of it, that she had wanted a copy. I could give it to her later. I flick it through quickly and losing the beloved sounds like a lovely read at this point and I buy it from a queen who eyes me and I just keep looking at the entrance as I pay and eventually leave, the book wrapped properly as I make my way on board. I see Julian already who is smoking and talking to Carlos which seems a bit soothing. 

I feel a bit weak in the knees as I head back to the bunk, my mind flirting with Matt and his body in my mind as I just head back, thankful to avoid everyone in my path, wondering if Julian and Carlos were some on and off lovers and maybe in some obscure world he was the best lover of all, but imagining Carlos coming was enough to get that though stashed deeply in my trash. 

I stick the book still wrapped in the coffin locker and I take off my clothes, leaving myself in just undewear as I head to the switch and for some odd reason I check all the bunks and Miles’ neatly done. The ache to climb into his and fake drunkness just to feel his smell seems to intoxicate me, but I just turn the lights off to turn off the damn urge and I head to mine. I keep my eyes closed too long, tracing the bottom of the upper bunk before I head to an odd dream where Carlos is a poet and he tells me to listen to his poem and the poem goes something like this:

When I wash my face 
And I lean my head back
The water makes me cry 
Tears which aren’t mine-

And then I feel two strong arms pull me by the shoulders, my eyes spring open as soon as my head collides against the top bunk and the light is on and I’m yanked out of the bed, pinned against the bunks and Miles is shaking but before I realize that he’s sobbing he takes a deep breath and punches me, hitting my cheek, as I feel the splitting pain, my cheek bleeding, Miles voice breaks and there’s not enough space for us to bend in two, so he just punches me again, his whole body sobbing

“Pete is dead.” 

-

I'm sorry for the short chapter but it's… awfully eventful? 

Unfortunately Pete's death was planned very early, I think all the deaths were planned very early, so now it's pretty much waiting for each death to unfold. I guess I've tried warning just in case, because it pains me but I've know his death for so long and well more should be in the next chapter and I am highly sorry and I've spoken before that To Miles is kind of in two parts, well, I think in a few chapters part 1 will come to a close and yeah, more deaths will follow, but I don't know but Pete's is really tragic. 

I'm sorry it's been a while and yeah, Matt and Alex are going as planned, even if the sex and encounter wasn't planned. 

The odd poem was actually more awful in my head as I was washing my face xD 

I hope you… enjoyed it and thank you

Feel free to request

<3

To Miles 24