Both Sides

Anxiety rides within me as I wait and he hadn’t even called me at midnight and the only soothing thought with no excuse is the fact that he had agreed as I had shooed everyone off, drinking already in the morning, refusing all the calls and flicking through the channels and getting e-mailed photos of them skiing outside, Christmas specials still making their way in, maybe because they think that because some decorations are still up, the Grinch can still be shoved down the throat. 

The pause had been enormous and Arielle was shoved at the back of the day and I still wonder how long can I lie to myself about her, how long will she believe it or the google searches to raise her to fame (which is not happening) worth it and frankly, we haven’t touched each other, just sat to watch Breaking Bad with waffles neither done by us and barely a word exchanged and it makes me question how does a relationship like this fly

But then I’m really not better with Miles.

A lot of alcohol later up to the point that every movement feels like I’m at sea and I open the door even before he gets to properly ring it and he’s there in that Paul Weller shirt and a small smile crosses his lips, a vinyl tucked under his arm and the coat already opened.

Why is he such a sucker after all these years. I don’t know how he buys all of this, but he hardens as he enters the apartment, kicking his shoes off and doesn’t utter a word, raising a brow at the coat of Arielle and I can see that he’d rather chuck it away. I don’t think our relationship makes any sense as well. 

I can only calm myself down by saying that relationships are complex, when I don’t have an excuse myself, pushing Miles away every single time anyone would glance at us, even James Ford was heavily shrugged off when he had spoken to us, saying that he didn’t care even if I had been dating Alexa.

It seemed like an odd deal with the devil, the downside to the calm romance was the fact that my heart was never fully in it, all of it stolen and kept hidden by Miles long ago. 

I don’t even know how much our love had managed to grow between us that I’m used even with him standing in silence, watching me and it’s not long before he pulls me into a brief hug. 

“Happy Birthday, Al.” And I don’t know how many apologies I should issue, how many years have I tortured him and it’s already 11, nearly a teenager and there’s also an excuse just to never walk hand in hand the fear coming to face ever since I’ve heard about how I’d be chucked on the street the fear grew expecting everything even the music to abandon me. Sometimes I’d even think of Miles abandoning me. Maybe it’s myself that I’d abandon, I don’t know, I’d leave myself, I feel like everything I do is just forced upon me to choke. 

The fear takes me even further and holds tight onto me until I take Miles by his chin and I press my lips against his. Miles doesn’t move and instead pushes me away. We just stand silently. 

I feel like the whole holiday had been a pendulum swinging back and forth as we’d eye each other, the vacation being both of us together again but yet so far apart and we’d sit at opposite sides of the table and Miles being the only one without a +1 or maybe it was Arielle who was the one without the +1, heading over to spa procedures without anyone else as Cookie and Katie kept dragging everyone to the skiis and I’d keep falling, Miles far too well and I wish I could just keep up, instead of watching him reach the end of the slope and I’d try again. Sometimes it would feel far too mutual, I can’t blame him because I was the first one to push him off, but he was the one who’d always refuse when we’d both be single in one breath against my lips and everything would be shattered. 

Every single attempt feels like a rigged throw of the dice and sometimes it happens. 

“You’re with Arielle!” Miles exclaims, yet puts the vinyl gently on the bedside table, crossing over to the room and now he’s only in the shirt, biting his bottom lip, his mind hazy just as mine from the brief kiss we had just shared. 

“And do you fucking see her fucking here?!” I yell even louder and I cross closer to him, grabbing him by the wrist and I know I’ve done too much, yet I hold and Miles tries to look away. Sometimes I get too irritated that I’m the only one who initiates even if it’s all my fault and I wait for him to break, to get the ruined strands of the quiff leftovers out of my eyes and we hold the kiss. I don’t know if we’re both supposed to shatter or pull each other apart, I don’t think I even know how does love work and what kind of clockwork it is. 

We break the kiss and we’re both over the bed covers and I don’t know where we are both going, but Miles closes his eyes and takes off his shirt before he takes off mine and he keeps his eyes closed, just trailing my chest with his fingers before pulling me closer. He goes on top of me, kissing both of my cheeks before he opens his eyes and slides his tongue in my mouth and I feel empty without him, eager for him to touch me more as he presses his hips against my own. 

“So, is this my birthday gift?” I ask him my hand going to his jeans as I undo his jeans slowly, still scared myself and hiding behind my eager words. We haven’t had sex in a while and frankly not just with Miles, but I haven’t had sex with anybody for a while. 

“No, you wanker, I got you a vinyl.” He bites my neck and sucks on the skin slightly, still holding himself from more movements. I see that he’s just as tense and we are ignoring the elephant in the room and I wonder if she’d watch it just to make a vine about it with herself trying to pull the biggest frown with her wide mouth just to get views and see the popularity collapse surely in her favor. People still seem to think that homosexuality is wrong and being plastered on teenage girls’ walls isn’t helping me in any way either. So how the fuck is everything supposed to spring out of the closet?

“Then what the fuck is this?” I stick my hand in his underwear touching his hard cock. Miles kisses my neck, sliding his tongue down to my shoulder. 

“Moral compensation, Turner. You’re 28, pay up.” And I groan. 

“So the fact that everything I’ve written is about you, isn’t enough?” I smirk, still holding up an act as if I’m onstage but I know he sees through me, maybe that’s why he’s avoiding my gaze as I start stroking him and he himself pulls my jeans off. But then he raises his head and our gazes meet and I think that’s when my act falls through and our lips collide, tongues rubbing harshly, my underwear and everything else is left on the floor as we start grinding against each other, still making out as I stroke Miles’ spine, slightly digging my nails into his skin, tracing as our kisses become broken and I stop to look at him as I slide a finger inside him and Miles closes his eyes, moaning. 

I can’t help but grin and bite his neck as he leans his head back and I finger him deeper, nearly pushing him over, but he pushes me back and I insert a second finger pushing his head down to make out with him as he starts teasing my cock by just tracing his finger on the underline. 

“No, fuck me.” And I slide my fingers out, pushing him on top of me as I position myself and thrust inside him as Miles sits up and thrusts hard against me, causing me to moan. He starts out slowly and I don’t thrust watching him in a haze, it’s been far too long and I’m dying to touch him and after a few lazy thrusts I take his cock in my hand and I start stroking it trying to do it as the same time as he thrusts and Miles’ breathing gets heavier as we both start increasing the speed and I can’t keep my eyes off Miles’ how he rides me, how he arches his back and gasps everytime I go deeper and we both get closer, too turned on by each other, but the closer we get the more Miles starts gasping and I just watch him, him breaking in sweat, gasping mouth open for air and I just keep staring holding myself from coming on the spot as he keeps thrusting against me up and down.

Once he gets near I want to push him back, but instead Miles holds me down, leaning lower to pull me up, wrapping his legs around me as the thrusts are slower but deeper and our tongues out of our mouths, rubbing as I keep rubbing my thumb against the tip of his cock which has pre-cum on it and I tease him by tracing it lower before going back to rough stroking and we increase our pace faster, both of us thrusting now and tongues rubbing faster, moans coming from both as we give our final thrusts before we both cum and Miles pushes his head closer to mine, holding a kiss as we moan into each other’s mouth and after a few thrusts and strokes we both feel all energy leave our bodies as I slowly slide out, breathing just as heavy as Miles. 

We both pull each other closer, as I keep stroking his back, kissing his shoulder as I hear Miles smirk and stroke my hair and then we both get the courage to see each other glowing and I pull him closer to press a kiss against his lips again as it slowly dismantles into a lazy making out session which gets me a bit excited but I’m too knackered and so is Miles, so sleep seems like a better option but once he slips besides me, the nagging thought is still there.

Maybe it’s because I still see Arielle’s coat hanging and I can barely feel her scent while I think I’ve learn all of Miles’ cologne’s through the years and that one time we had used the same one because we wanted to smell like the other and it had carried for a while.

Maybe love is supposed to be that blanket, it’s not that I’m scared of losing him because I’m so used to him besides me, the only monster left is that he’s not with me in the morning as either of us kicks the other out for some obscure reason, just like people think we’re a sin, sometimes we think ourselves that we are the reason as well, but we never ask ourselves to which question are we the reason and answer, maybe it’s because you should ask the question yourself. I lean back. I don’t need to skip steps, because we’ve done so many.

“Will you marry me?” Is the question I ask which is on my lips. 

-

Wow, it started off as angsty and Miles going to Al's apartment and then I realized that Al and Miles are on holiday together for his birthday, so of course that was used. I'm sorry that I'm late I've been really tired and busy, so I'm sorry and I hope you enjoyed it :D and yeah, this is like so fucking cheesy because I wasn't sure I wanted to end it on a sort of is it happy or not note and it is Al's birthday so yeah.

I love them both and I love Alex far too much and yeah.

Anyway, just as requested Milex birthday bumsex XD I hope you enjoyed it and I should have something up soon, I hope tomorrow, I hope XD Anyway, thank you

<3