Saturday, 27 September 2014

To Miles 35

War is like rowing in a lake of the dead at night only you don’t know who the dead on your boat you are taking off are.
Alison is about to give birth and Hince is about to take shore leave, and he had announced it to me at New Year’s over the end of the wine bottle, fidelity still on the table, as if the dice could change the course of the game, because all is rigged to the red.
And January greets us for far too much rain up to the point that the canteen in the morning before the caffeine properly starts working looks as if everyone seems to have seasonal depression and it takes me a while to adjust my schedule back, but I still do my duties but it doesn’t help with the ship shaking all the time and Hince keeping a straight face, reading in the canteen and never raising his eyes at anyone, even when I feel like the room gains silence and Jamie just slightly raises his eyes at Miles. 
Miles complains about his turret, which had been getting worse and worse jamming for the past few weeks even while I was ill and now he made the captain fully aware as he raises his eyes and I wonder if anyone notices how he actually holds tighter onto the copy of Oblomov. I had already made my comment, but both me and Jamie barely had any time and it wasn’t far too wise for me to cut down my sleep so the kisses were far too hastily done and he had gone down on me just as promised and I didn’t hold my moans, until he would stop blowing me and straighten up-
“Keep your moans down, Petty Officer Turner.” He smirked and went back down, touching himself as well.
“It will be fixed next time we are on the shore. Three more days.” He added and nodded back at his book, which Miles just bit his lip and turned around, telling Julian to finish up his coffee faster that maybe we would all sneak in the small gap when it doesn’t rain as heavily and we would make it at least less wet to work and everything seemed calm, but I could feel how tense Miles was and how he would watch me, but I would never know how his mind would unravel. 
Hince tells me of shore leave, that he would be taking a few months off and that the first day onshore I needed to do some tests in the hospitals to make sure that my pneumonia was gone and that he would be taking three months off for Alison to give birth and that he would be with her. It was odd to speak of it, it was the elephant in the room neither of us seemed to mind too much.
“Do either of you have a name in mind?” I ask, as he sits on his bed, fidgeting and I’m in his chair and I look at all the books he’s read and I know that all of them will be replaced and the only sorrow I feel is of not seeing him for three months. Jamie just shakes his head. I smirk.
“I heard that it’s always a nightmare to choose a name. But then, I don’t think I’ll ever have to do that.” I say and he just takes his hat off and I see how it’s not as neat today the way he had done his hair and we can’t help but lock eyes, the fear is of the unknown and we both don’t speak of it. I sit besides him and I still feel a bit weak even if it’s been a while and I hug him, kissing the top of his head as he clutches onto me. “I’ll be the one waiting at sea then.”
Jamie doesn’t smirk back.
I kiss the top of his head.
“It’s funny because usually those wait by the sea. C’mon, a child is a good thing.” I smile at him but instead I just hold him until I have to head off and that’s when he doesn’t stop kissing me and it’s consuming, it’s far too explosive and I know I’m pushing my health too much when we are pushed back on the bed, grinding and I know there’s days and days left but he doesn’t stop and neither do I. The days come and go as if the hole in the wall grows and soon enough the date arrives and we both just leave with a small gap in between and we both go to the hospital and it’s weird to see him in his suit, already changed to make sure to look civilian, but claiming that he’ll be putting on the uniform to put the other child to sleep anyway, as that’s what they ask and it’s what Jamie himself would ask his dad and I don’t hastily kiss him on the lips, instead we just depart and I promise to meet him after the hospital.
I don’t cry in the queue and three months feels long, it’s nothing liberating and we’ve discussed fidelity, that he would be sleeping with Alison, that I should catch at least someone, the orders still strict and that he doesn’t mind what I do and even if it were with Miles, which made me raise an eyebrow, but I kept it at such.
I look at the door, a bit uncomfortable and soon enough the queue is just a few more men who I’ve never seen before and I’ll have to head in.
I wonder how Alison had been and how her birth would go and sometimes I would wonder how he would make love to her. I knew he loved her, they had their issues, but all these years they would still be together and I wondered if she knew exactly who he had slept with, but he told me that she never knew neither of me or Miles and being stuck in the same pile as Miles seemed a bit intimidating, as if he had been staring at me, it was sometimes as if everything had been done for Miles, for him to watch his exes unravel in the arms of each other and naturally the worst happens when you think it won’t and once it does, you can do anything
only Miles didn’t realize it. Or maybe that’s exactly why Miles did nothing, what if those were Miles intentions exactly? And I wondered what would his dreams be if Alison, being his sister had such abilities and even Jamie could fortune tell once in a blue moon. 
Maybe it was soothing that even today was already the start of the countdown, that there was much more to come was intimidating, but the hours weren’t going backwards, he was the captain, he had a set date to come back and now a father of two.
I wonder how much had Miles’ jealousy stung and was it different to imagine your sister getting fucked by your lover? I had my hand under my chin, thinking, because the image did sting me a bit, but I knew that he loved me, it’s not like we we wouldn’t pass each other the butter, I was more scared of Alison solely not liking me once found out than anything or getting it out on Jamie. But he stated that she didn’t keep her fidelity as well, but that the baby was his by the cards and over the years Jamie himself learnt how to read cards and it was a simple yes or no question and her hands never shook, only her bracelets, as she’d exclaim
“See? I fucking told you.” Slamming the cards down as Jamie told me. There was something going on between them, she was scared of losing him and she herself was losing herself he had told me that at night she would wake and they would both smoke in silence, reciting their vows, solely because they had both written them. 
Anxiety was surely the tool to destroy us all, the self-doubt which we had learnt from too much social fascilitation was going overboard that even when I left I still felt my hands shaking and knowing that the day was for myself and that the evening I would have dinner with Jamie and Alison, it seemed intimidating, that he would meet me before and after was soothing, it seemed like a consolation prize to make the first day on sea alone be even worse but the countdown had started. 
I always carried his poem with me and I was scared that I would end up losing it or such, but it seemed safer with me even if I had known all the letters and struggled with pneumonia and his handwriting which had been all nearly jammed together, all letters. Anxiety just kept coming with me as I would peek in all shops, the breath of the doctor and the smell of medicine still on me as if I were going through a pharmacy only I would see much more people and they barely seemed visibly ill, the more you travel to cities the more you see how ports are alike and comparissons cause stress and memories and regards and hope of running into anyone, but I wouldn’t run into Matt.
Our exchange was purely letters and he had been clumsy enough to solely apologize and keep ranting about his end as I would just describe Julian being happy over getting powder ice cream. I wondered how come Jamie would make sure to isolate himself and his rank gave him such power, but I just seemed to want to talk to some at times like Jonny who would sometimes speak, a bit too low, but he’d speak how he would fiddle with radios and maybe that’s what he should’ve done instead of a loader, but either way, it wasn’t the worst job in the world according to him.
Small talks seemed to make my day at times and that’s what it would all lead to eventually once Hince would be gone for shore leave. I lit a cigarette, taking drags slowly and watching the smoke and everyone pass by with children. I smiled at a crying child, but nothing happened and I just shrugged, as I felt a hand on my back and then a pat on my head before an excited squeal and I was pulled up harshly into a woman’s arms. 
“Alex! Fuck! Why are you here?” And she’s out of her uniform and it’s odd to see her in a skirt, hair down and eyes glowing and even with some bags. I pull her back into a hug, grinning as both me and Lana just wide eyed stare at each other. 
“Matt keeps fucking talking about you all the time, I’ll tell him you’re alright, he still didn’t get the letter that you’re fully cured, he’s being an ass to everyone.” She rolls her eyes and pulls me back into a hug. And then she pulls back. “Or you playing hard to get.”
Her eyes watch me, as she bites her lips curiously, I honestly feel like I’m the only one unaware of Matt’s antics and I just shake my head. He’s the asshole who barely writes, but then we both barely do.
“Aw, it’s alright, Al, when you just start you’re...” She shakes her head from side to side and I notice her small golden earrings. “All over the place and that’s ok. It’s a bit like a small crush, you think it is. Aw. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you guys fucked.”
She punches me lightly on the shoulder and I can’t help but roll my eyes at her as I take her under my arm and we just start walking on the shopping street and Lana keeps laughing, watching me. 
“What? Am I missing something?” Her smile fades. She points a manicured finger at me. “You guys fucked. What’s the problem?”
She stops and holds me for a while. Then she lets go of me. And widens her eyes, sighing. 
“There’s another fucking guy, isn’t there. But Matt’s perfect for you. C’mon, he loves you, he’s a daft moron, but he really really loves you. Come on, Al, if it’s that guy who Matt said you were after, weren’t you guys done-”
Miles. I feel my neck snap from the memories as I feel his kiss and I hastily shake my head. 
“No, me and Miles broke up months ago.” I feel as if my gloomy mood is transferring onto her and she just keep gawking at me, confusing, shifting her shopping bags from hand to hand and I even see some from a baby store. I blink at that one and she hastily hides it. 
“Then who is it? Who stole your heart, Alexander?” She grins, but I know she’s known me and Matt long enough and apparently about Matt’s feelings longer than I ever have or even thought and I can’t help but just look down and it’s as if I could feel Jamie’s fingers travelling on my neck. 
“Don’t worry, he’s ok.” And I start walking ahead as Lana catches up on her heels and starts walking backwards, in front of me and I see people already thinking there’s some flirting going on when both of us have never even looked at each other properly and only attended formal occasions as a couple to make out with other men and women. 
“But... there’s a catch.” She points in my chest and I smirk. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m holding the toy and we’re children and I’m keeping Santa away and she keeps narrowing her eyes and we both just keep laughing. I miss being on a carrier we’d both wake each other up to gossip in the night during a smoke when she was with us. 
“Yes, Lana, there’s a catch to all men, like women. But we’re fine.” I roll my eyes.
“Then... why aren’t you telling me who it is?” Her heels keep clicking just because there is barely any snow and her curioisity is running all over her body as she keeps looking at me. I smirk outloud.
“Because you never told me who your new lady was.” I keep my voice down and Lana rolls her eyes, biting her lips and hiding her face behind her hand. 
“Guilty. But I’ll tell if you tell, just you might know her. That’s the problem.” She fixes her long brown hair and I wonder when was even the last time she wore it down and is it even in fashion, but everyone seems to be a bit too liberal here, maybe that’s why Hince lives here. I click my tongue and ponder as our eyes cross and we both laugh. Lana changes to a more serious tone. “You have to promise not to tell, her husband has no idea.”
I stop.
“Her husband? Lana, fucking hell, get off married women.” It’s not a first. It’s not a fucking first, last time she nearly got into fucking trouble but the husband was reluctant to report both women fucking and they all just silently broke up, but Lana just kept going for older, specifically married women on shore, stating that if the men were up to something on boats, then so were the women on shore, she had a point which never missed. 
“Oh, you don’t sound too innocent, Turner, speak up, who are you fucking?” She stops in front of me and we both motion to the alleyway. I sigh, look down and oh, fucking hell, it’s Lana.
“It’s the captain.” She smirks, but something dark goes in her eyes. 
“Hince? Isn’t he like the main homo fighter? Wow, both of you catching...” She does inverted comas with her hands, but I see her smile darken much more and she still forces to look at me. “‘Homosexuals’ and are fucking. Wow. Just... wow. Hince?”
I just nod.
“Well... I guess he should be very attractive.” Her laugh is far too forced. 
“Lana, are you ok?” She dazes out and then looks at me, a bit through. 
“I... don’t know. Captain James William Hince, yeah? You’re... on the destroyer.” Lana nearly whispers and I just keep looking at her, confused. Then she shifts the topic and starts making her way out of the alley. “My dear friend, you are also fucking a married man.”
I pull her back in the alley.
“Who are you fucking, Miss Grant?” I smirk and she just shakes her head. I moan. “Come on, I’m fucking the captain, we’re like the super crew, come on, tell me, your side of the deal.”
She starts biting the skin around her nails and I just watch her. A few dots connect in my head and my head feels light. 
“I’ll see you at their dinner party.” She says grimly and pushes her way through me. 

“Alison Hince?” I nearly yell out, but she’s at the end of the alleyway and she just waves back at me, not looking back and the blue bag with baby items is the last thing I see. 

Bahah, now I own all Luxury Plane Crash singles and the album itself. Anyway, still Jamie Hince related. I get quite anxious about writing back stories these days because I actually catch myself thinking where do I filter and what do I hold back, but in reality nothing is really held back, I'm still as open, just weird that apparently I should just accept that I'm considered read, but it's weird when the mind tells you otherwise. 

Either way, I'm happy you all enjoy it and the biggest plot twist, Lana and Alison were plotted earlier than Matt and Alex. Lana and Alison and Lana specifically sleeping with Jamie's wife was plotted back when Lana was introduced, so it's weird that nearly a year later it's actually revealed even if some hints were shown. 

I'm sad about Hince's shore leave, but to be honest I've got these months which I needed to fill up because I was rushing events far too fast so Lana's plot is pushed a bit forward and I like it more here. I'm trying to talk in order of the chapter xD

I had no fast Russian novel in my head, so I just googled Russian novels and was all, yeah, I recall reading Oblomov, was shit and chucked it in. It's funny how I still keep strict to giving Hince novels which I disliked in school. 

Callie noted she loves how all is in haze, but while you just recover everything is a haze and in general both Alex and Jamie are freaking out that Jamie will go for shore leave, so everything is jumbled really. I haven't chosen names for either of Jamie's and Alison's children 8) there, I know, I'm awful. I should give them some names xD or rather fish out a character. 

I just like their open relationship really and I guess being poly, it's more natural to me, even if Callie is mono and well my only current partner :3

Fortune telling is quite a theme and Alison is far more experienced than I am, because I just stick to a few methods and that's all and I always imagine Alison with all the meanings in her head, because I usually do it by a book, not recalling all meaning and interpretations and her cards far more tattered and doing the more complex ones and even if I usually give her the ones I know, I still imagine her much more knowledgeable. 

I really enjoy writing Jamie and Alison, like I always do and I'm happy that I had made them a couple here and yeah, there's much more of Alison ahead now and of course the dinner party is quite interesting and originally they were going to find out about Lana by all three walking in the same direction, I mean Jamie, Lana and Alison, but I like it more like this.

Because To Miles is my biggest work I get ridiculous anxiety writing it sometimes because I really love it and it's kind of my main piece and my epic, really, so this chapter was going slow then I was anxious and I had some free time on my laptop and I just wrote through my anxiety. I thought that well, he wouldn't bump into Matt and I gave him Lana earlier. 

I really love writing Lana in this story and she was always Callie's favourite female character since I've discussed Lana's entire line and she knows much more than anyone else naturally as I just randomly start talking or asking and To Miles is discussed a lot to make sure that I'm on the right historical track just in case and we discuss because there's much more war ahead naturally and yeah. 

I enjoy reading my stuff out loud once it's done to Callie and I think I even read Lana and Alex's dialogue a few times because I couldn't stop laughing at both of their realizations xD

Well, I kind of made Lana gay in this story, so naturally she would be into older women and quoting Callie and me, her logic is flawless, men fuck on the boats, therefor the women on the shore might just be interested xD 

I shall forever quote "Alison Hince?" in my Alex's reading voice xD 

I honestly hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I'm quite excited as well, now the whole Lana/Alison/Jamie/Alex is now also in place and well, the dinner party and meh, I'll just spoil a bit since Miles is a popular wanker obviously xD who doesn't invite family. There, go pester me to write it now xD I already have a few hilarious scenes in mind

Thank you and I'm happy that I'm binging on To Miles because I honestly love it

And I'll be doing Nanowrimo on To Miles again because this thing is huge and I just want to write much more of it and I honestly have no idea how long it will be because it will expand over the war and the epilogue which goes over what happens to whom with many scenes will expand for a good few chapters and a lot of characters didn't even appear and many get much more time obviously

Thank you for the support and loving my writing, honestly

Please drop me a message if you liked it and I'm happy to talk about it or your theories of what's going to happen, I'm actually curious what do you think will happen, if you have thoughts :3

Thank you once more



To Miles 36

Friday, 26 September 2014

let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 5

He’s much taller than me and surely than Jamie and he fidgets and he smiles at me lightly, as I walk towards our lockers and he holds a flower. Do they even do that? And I recall how me and Jamie were handed a rose each by some random passerby once, on Valentine’s day as well and we swore that we’d be each other’s valentine always, well, now we won’t. He’s rather striking as well. Well-built and seems to be something like some eye candy Jamie would jerk off to. I’ve been paired up with him in chemistry once and he had randomly asked me what I listened to years ago and said he was going to buy vinyl and I just smiled it off.

Apparently he switched teams. 

“Um, where’s Jamie?” I shrug and I wonder myself, as we both didn’t phone each other to meet up and soon enough, we see the talk himself run up and he’s in a suit, a smaller scarf tied around and he stops near the locker, eyes scanning the bloke and me. He smiles wider as he looks at him and tries to stash the guilt in his eyes from me. 

The taller bloke scratches his head and grins, watching Jamie catch his breath and I just watch them unravel in some unrealistic expectation, like a soap opera. 

“I-I’m Jack, y-your admirer.”

“I figured.” Jamie grins and nods, watching him, but he lowers his eyes and I see him look at me, as the taller bloke fidgets. My hands ache. “Where were you? I’m fucking yelling that I’m gay every day.”

They both laugh.

I’m behind the screen.

“S-sorry, I just came out to my parents last night. I-I said I-I had a date and yeah. Well, they need time.”

“Everyone does, don’t worry.” Jamie smiles and I see Jack melt and how his dark eyes are fixed on my shorter friend and I wonder if he had already jerked off to him and the image disgusts me, that someone else would want Jamie when I could barely do anything, my mind twisting the kiss, pushing it further as if he had been inside me, as if he had twisted me all over and confessed, when he didn’t. 

“I mean, if you don’t mind, going out.” He stops stuttering, but now fear is all in his hands and he notices me watching them and tries to ignore it, but then stretches out his hand and we introduce ourselves and he says he knows I’m Jamie’s friend, he figured and apologized that he knew of no gay women for me and I stretch a smile. Jamie peeks at the one single rose and I recall us walking with the rose in his mouth, clapping and making jokes until it stung his tongue-

Jamie thinks for a moment, glances at me and I just nod, sadly, he leaves me. 

“Yeah, a date, is great. Six p.m. ok with you?” He asks after Jack suggest some place which will be filled with balloons and they will be seen as the young gay couple and I’ll just sit watching something, maybe Weekend because it’s Jamie’s favourite and we agreed to watch it this valentine’s because he said love didn’t exist. 

“I just need to do something first and then, yeah. I’ll dress up as well.” He smirks.

“You always look amazing, Jamie.” Jack says in awe.

“I seen you’ve been stalking me.” Jamie laughs back. We all depart to our classes, me and Jamie one way and I keep my silence, barely tripping. 

“You owe watching Weekend with me. I’m not leaving you alone on Valentine’s, at least not for all of it.” He strokes my cheek with his thumb, as we walk. He puzzles on his words. “I love you. Text me if anything, anytime, during the date, I’ll even drag you along.”

And he doesn’t look at me after that, writing all notes down, only when I poke his finger with my own. The teacher scribbles on the slideshow. 

“I love you too.” And we both nod, looking ahead, lighter on words and harder on the bones. 


I have too much stuff written due to binge writing and a lot finished and this is one of them. So pretty much any time poked and I'll post the next chapter if it's done, so today's chapter was called by hostilehospitalbeds from tumblr yay xD

I really miss this story because it was binge written, the rest of it, so it was gone in the blink of an eye and I don't edit and actually I'm quite happy that I've got these "lighter" Kills story, which is funny because Settle A Quarrel is supposed to be the light one and Fiji and this one ended up being the lightest. I'm also anxious but I hope you'll enjoy it and I'm really happy that everyone is eager, because I really love it and I dunno there's a lot of people sticking to their labels when sexuality still sometimes ends up being about the person and dunno, it always felt to me like Alison and Jamie went that leap and I guess that's where the story comes from and the desire to continue it, because it's such an old old request which I can't recall who asked and no one asked to continue so two years later I picked it up, I've been picking up old Kills stories because they're just amazing, The Kills, I mean xD 

The story was planned to be longer and I pondered upon Jamie's 'secret admirer' and I wanted Jack in the end but I thought of Grimmy since I've been awing over his style recently and he's the culprit to my latest pink hair (which is nearly washed out). 

If it's a movie, I'll stick Weekend, I always do, I dunno, it's sad how it just vanished but it was indie and it's still after Trainspotting tied with Velvet Goldmine as my favourite movie and seems like something I would watch on Valnetine's if I was single and looking for some sad story. It's odd because I've been with Callie so long and even if I'm poly and open, I still don't get fully "single" so it's pretty much recalling how it had been ages and ages ago, which is weird. I would get depressed. 

And Valentine's is The Kills' thing so I figured even in an AU Jame wouldn't leave Alison and he doesn't really. I really love them in this story and yeah, we all know where it's headed and yeah xD

Writing their confessions was just natural progression really, sometimes you just confess as friends, shivering and just shrug it off as platonic but well, all is bull, you just really love each other.

I ship them and yeah, I really miss early Kills sometimes, but I love them now just another doomed OTP really unfortunately, but again it's for us to fantasize and openly allowed so yeah

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did, a few chapters left :3 I should write more light Kills stories, really should xD 

Thank you



Thursday, 25 September 2014

Blue/Jacket 6

What if I were polyamorous as I wonder as me and Jamie walk hand in hand all the way back to Gamla Stan, passing through the stores and poster in Södermalm which was saying wish you were queer and Jamie smirked at it.
"You are queer, no more wishing."
"Fuck off." I smirk at him and we just keep strolling and he starts talking more about Brazil and I just keep listening wondering if I will ever be dragged there and how would it be. I close my eyes for a while, I wouldn’t be able to go in the water until I get top surgery. I always enjoyed swimming but then it started getting out of hand when people would point at my chest and I just gave up, realizing that baths were the best I would get with bubbles which would circulate around me.
I don’t know if either of us have anything else to do, but we depart anyway, as me and Jamie shuffle awkwardly, as he excuses that he promised to help Jack with something, which revealed that he lived with Jack and didn’t pay rent, just bought the groceries and Jack’s salary didn’t seem to be harmed by this regardless.
"Sorry I gotta go." And we both ghost over each other’s lips.
I’ve never even kissed another bloke fully out and it’s not even
It’s Jamie really, it’s that daft feeling when you meet someone and you don’t know them and you know there’s something which keeps both of your eyes lingering on each other.
"No worries. So call me, yeah?" I smile and Jamie nods, hands in pockets.
"Yeah." With no 9 to 5 job and no fixed schedule when do you do decide to meet? How do you keep your life intact still makes me wonder but it’s really the tasks you give yourself and the time keeping.
"I’ll see you, Miles." And he kisses my cheek, holding it and I lean in and it happens, I pull him closer, feeling him press against me as we each open our mouths and I hear a low moan before we break the kiss.
"Yeah, tomorrow." Shit. I pick up my mistake. "I mean, whenever."
"Nah, tomorrow’s cool." I breathe out as he says it, my fingertips and elbows pulsing. He slowly starts heading towards the escalator to the underground. Jamie turns around.
"C-" he drops the question as he blinks, shyly and just waves off, heading down and I watch him as he gets the card out and glances back at me, giving me a small wave.
He’s gorgeous once you get to know him.
The taste of his lips still electrifies me as I head off to Åhlens for no reason, walking past the makeup and I head up the escalators, Jamie’s tongue still leaving traces and his body heat still upon my hands.
I’m sure he’s gone by now.
I should meet the deadline. I cover my face with my hand, holding a laugh and a cry. He’s fucking gorgeous but this doesn’t explain Alex with his dreams.
I get a text postponing until later and I just approve Alex’s request, wondering if Jamie will still be lingering when I meet someone fated
But you never really know who is.

I think there’s this big wave of depression when you see people in university or school and I can’t help but wonder if I missed anything, in the beginning was it OK or is it better now with no schedule just deadlines and trying to get as much jobs and raise the rate and I can’t help but compare if I ever did something wrong, because people paint it glamourously when you say fuck to everything when all you do is wake up at twelve and neurotically plan your day because no one else does it for you, because we are programmed that time should be kept at bay, whether we want it or not.
I get some pick and mix downstairs overpriced for no reason, not eating it until Jamie’s taste fades entirely from my mouth and it makes me wonder if he’s holding his or if it’s already mixed with cigarettes and what would be on his mind. Are our lives that idle? Not choosing to go further to avoid hassle and isolate seemed to bring the worse in all my relatives. And it’s always against everything, binder off just to avoid questions and being vulnerable makes no difference binder on or off.
Who would love a transman? Or whatever the fuck you are? I wish the faces were blurred so that I wouldn’t notice what they were saying or how their lips spread, but I do. I see them, I see them yelling, I see them yelling and judging me how I shifted apartment through apartment until I ended up with Alex as my neighbor. 
I can’t help but wonder because those who judged me before who made me leave still judge me in my mind, you don’t recover quickly.

And walking by the System Bolaget which already has people rushing in it dawns on me, with his lips crashing on me-




I start trembling and the pick and mix nearly spills in my hands as I imagine Jamie’s hands wandering all over my body, do I even take off my binder? What would he see? What would his reaction be? He surely knows I own one, but the question still remains, I still have one and I -

Well, I’m bleeding for now and would he even want to?

Can I even get pregnant?

I should use condoms anyway and I head in to see all the people scattered in all sections in the pharmacy to remind ourselves that everyone is ill, everyone spends 200 kroner on something every week, let it be allergies or sleeping pills, everyone spends on something and I see the monopoly on condoms. I see how everything is the same, how the boxes are barely different, all offering the huge amount and choice.

Would I even need flavored?

When I was growing up I heard one of the girls I was friends with, when I would wear a sport bra, hair already chopped off and earrings removed for a brief while as she would say that you can only buy condoms if you are ready for sex.


I get the big mixed pack, guessing that the government monopolizes condoms and booze. Sex and alcohol. Drugs illegal and rock and roll is pretty much free. I pay with a shaking hand, opening the wallet, quickly dividing the sum by ten to calm myself down and I nod as I get asked the phrase which I learnt means if I want the check and I head out.

What if he doesn’t even want to have sex with me?

What about lube?

I anxiously start going back before I realize that I’ve had enough for one day-

What about a strap-on?



I always wondered if I wanted a packer and I only figured that I should end up wasting a bit less on paint and perhaps buy one for the time being, but for now I had nothing just the empty space in my jeans and boxers. 

Where did he even fall?

Was everyone a top and a vers?

I had a dildo. That was it. A vibrator. W-

I quickly take out my phone and I don’t even know what to Google and I just look at Jamie’s phone number. He could at least get the lube? What if I don’t want to bottom? I don’t have a penis now. All I have is a problematic vagina which was always dry which my mother would drag me to the gynecologist and I’d be told to just lube and lube up until I fucking read that I wasn’t the only transman who didn’t enjoy the front entrance. 

Fuck, I’m still on my period.

I get bumped into and I just nod, looking back to see all the people and trying to get back to the tunnelbanan to escape everything to see the landscape in the pendeltåg and tell myself that everything is ok.

But how is it ok when we all move to places because there is nothing else we can do? How is it ok that we can’t be who we want, that we are lied about the “non-existent” nine to five life and with people begging on the streets, the younger and more nationalities it just reminds me of an inner war with its own population and how everyone should be happy for every scrap or inch they get and even if the sky might not be seen, everything is enough to be thankful as I keep hearing more and more languages and I just close my eyes, to forget everything and knowing that we are all reduced to paperwork. We are all paperwork, because there’s so many and the human factor becomes the machine, the lost ticket becomes the error.

I dress up, tighten up for Alex

and it’s like when you’re young

I have a crush on said actor, but I love said classmate.

Would I love Alex?

Would I fuck Jamie?

In reality we hate our lives so much that we try to avoid them as much as possible, we create art as we watch movies of lives we will never take because our are concentrates of our own misery, a squash and there is no tap to dilute it and it becomes so unbearable that we lose our minds regardless of where we are and none of us are diagnosed with some hateful depression.
What if all the love is in my head and he became my Xanax to make myself believe that I can sleep, when I can do so on my own but he’s a way to make my bones not rot.
He exists in my head, but he never loves my skin.

And I say this holding the pack of mixed condoms in hand for Jamie.


I dunno I always have this I don't think I write enough trans characters or polyamorous couples, characters and I usually end up with a simple idea which then winds up with characters and someone being poly, like Alex in To Miles, so I dunno, I'll see how I'll juggle Alex, Miles and Jamie here. But either way, all is going according to the plot. 

I'm also really excited about this story and there's a scene which I am dying to write, but I write kind of as it goes, so it should take a while, but yeah, the condoms are bought. So I dunno it's also a bit intimidating because usually I go for cis sex so it's a bit less personal for me to write and even then it's more of let's see what Miles' preferences are just like any other character's and I'm really excited for that. I'm spoiling, but again like people have described me with disgust "oh, just writes about sex and death" and years on it's really the same thing, I always ponder on death because I believe in the afterlife, it's kind of hard when spirits are all around you and yeah and well, sex, I am very sexual and I've always made a point of writing it because I hate how sex is stashed even on tumblr there's this whole yelling "why can't things be less sexual????" well, they can, but can we also have sexual? And dunno in general I've been in odd moods, I've been sleeping awfully and everything. But I wanted this out because I guess besides story-wise I love that it's trans and gay and poly touching, so yeah, fuck this, I am trying to fucking shed light on us, so yeah

I miss Stockholm and it's odd because no matter with who you start talking about Stockholm you always talk about how impossible it is to rent. So yeah, I really miss it, but isolation is awfully nice as well and yeah.

Again, they I wish you were Queer was a poster in a second hand store in Södermalm which was lovely to be honest and I've got a photo of me in front of it. I miss Stockholm, it kind of became my home since my home was taken away from me.

I was watching this interesting Jamie interview which I haven't seen or forgot where he talks about England and well, it was nice to hear, I dunno I've been quoting him a lot, so yeah, it's a different England in your head and what it actually is, in the end I was there for the feeling like Renton and breaking free, that's why I always liked Leith and Ocean Terminal, it's weird that it's been much over a year and well, things just happen and the world is going bonkers

I had my fair share of questioning about swimming because I pretty much just have bikinis and when you just come out you just run around wondering where the fuck does your dysphoria end and frankly you do and there was this amazing novel I read called Trumpet and I always think of it regarding water and trans people, I think the novel was an eye opener for me and Callie. 

And it's funny for me to think that I've never really been with a bloke as a bloke, I've tried as a female and it was awful and disastrous. 

And yeah, I dunno I think I say everything I want in the stories, it's fucking odd when you have to plan the day yourself, like now it's 5 am and I'm posting a new chapter just because I want visibility and I want this chapter which I've written ages ago out. 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and yeah, my depression is going bonkers 

So leave me a comment if you enjoyed it or if you want to talk about the story, dunno, I enjoy doing so, really, my mood is all over the place

and yeah

anyway, thank you for reading and loving



Saturday, 20 September 2014

Apathy Aftertaste

I honestly think that life is pushing me to the tip of suicide. 

I look behind, to see him give me a soft wave and nod to look back at the teacher and I sigh, trying not to fiddle even more with the notebooks, my mind humming far too loudly and the clock which has no sound, is far too loud in my head, muting everything and I just keep replaying nightmares in my head which had been last night, spitting out blood in the sink and noticing how all my temples had gone gray. 

“It shouldn’t be hard.” Jack told me as he arrived at four a.m. parents no longer caring and all under a healthy doze of Xanax, waiting for me to pack my bags, but Jack insisted that this should still be the place where the ritual of getting rid of the past should be and he proceeded to dye my hair until there was pounding on the door and we emerged, just for mom and dad to think we fucked. 

Jack waved at them and they prayed that Meg was indeed his girlfriend, as I would smoke outside, Jack scratching the back of his head, thinking-

“I can’t take you in.”

“I know.”


Jack lights his own cigarette, silence musing outloud as the stars are no longer seen and it’s far too early into the last year. 

“Get a hotel for tonight, we’ll figure out something tomorrow.”

“That’s fucking fifty quid.”

“Yeah, well, that’ll be one hundred in they fucking catch you in my bed, wanker.” I start shaking and Jack looks ahead before he pulls me into an awkward hug with a pat on the back and I just narrow my eyes in frustration but he doesn’t see it. 

I just stare at him before I break down crying. Jack just keeps cursing as he keeps pulling me closer, rocking me from side to side and even kissing me on the top of my head. I grab him by the hem of his shirt and pull him into a harsh kiss for no goddamn reason, my mind far too foggy and Jack lifts his arms up but complies, I feel his sigh, but he kisses me back and rubs his tongue on mine a bit.

“You’re still not sleeping on my bed.”


“Fine, just stop nagging about my posters.” I flip at him, my body now shaking from the kiss, which seems to leave no impact on Jack and he just sees it as from one disaster to another. He turns to face me.

“You collapsed drunk and couldn’t go back home and you’re dating Alison.”

“Fuck no, she fucking keeps nagging that since she stalked my house, I should date her.”

“To my parents.”

“They’ll nag to the school.”

“Choose a beard then.”

“Kate’s alright.”

“She’s with Pete again.”

“I’m the lover.”

Being in Jack’s room felt surreal after we had made out and it wasn’t even how I imagined it. I tried to calm down about the fact that I got kicked out but it seemed to sting and my heart was racing as Jack would keep switching sides on the bed and I was there under a blanket on the carpet for the next few hours, if I tried hard enough, I could imagine I was on bed with him, but carpet seemed pleasant enough and we were woken by Jack’s mom who didn’t blink twice,

I was on the carpet and mothers are far too daft, so Jack just dressed up, as I watched him, peeking from the blanket and his thoughts were clouded with my own, as my own anxiety tried to make peace with me, my shaking hands were more than enough.

When I woke up my age seemed to be oblivious to me and the new hairdye seemed to remind me of gray I had gotten the night before, leaving me in this abyss

As I dressed up I tried to forget that time whenever we’d go to the sea and I’d have sunblock thrown at me at all times and how the dinners would never be quiet, too many noisy questions and a few pokes at the fact that I should’ve gone for Alison, who my mom already had a fondness for. And I recall how we would just watch something on Friday and even the silence we would hold, seemed nostalgic, I gag on the toothpaste taste for some reason and too many memories flash, but I don’t let them into my consiousness and I have no idea what to even do.

Jack waits for me, breakfast in his room, juice, toast and cereal. 

I play with the milk a while, but I realize that I should just suck it up and I take a spoonful of cereal, feeling a bit deja vu to the milk taste and Jack just opens his mouth to say something, but instead he sighs and we both eat in silence. My mood swings far too much and reminds me of a swing swinging sideways instead of backwards and forward, I’m going nowhere, the panorama in front of me never becoming closer. 

As the house slowly starts waking up with Jack’s numerous siblings, I stay in one of the bathrooms, dunking my face in the cold water, trying to peel loneliness away and it seems to dawn on me, that from now everything changes

I don’t even how tuition will be handled, how even I will sleep this night

I always seemed to be lonely growing up, clinging onto too many people which would leave far too early and it seemed to get worse when I would meet Jack and I would be struck by how come he seemed to be out of everything, playing guitar on his own and refusing Catholic school just because he couldn’t take his amp with him. Society doesn’t allow men to be attracted to other men and I just figured that I might just be admiring his smile after all and it seemed hypnotic to watch him smoke, when we would manage to shoplift a bottle of vodka once because no one of us had any idea of how to get a fake ID and we had laughed far much more than any drunkard would. 

It felt like he was slowly luring me in, without knowing it, it felt like he was playing with me harsher than any of the girls he would be with before with Meg or even Meg. 

It was far too slow to see myself elevating, not realizing what was going on and it was a stupid slip of the tongue-

I cough and I yank myself out of the basin-

I had uttered the words before even touching any other bloke, because I just wanted to touch Jack and that was enough

The thought all of a sudden was the sin. 

And the loneliness was the complication which was forced upon and Jack ends up opening the lock and sees me still catching my breath and he pulls me into a hug. I ease up, feeling his faint scent of cigarettes which he sometimes smokes and then makes sure that he doesn’t have any trace as he would tiptoe back into the room.

He knows.

“If you’re gay, then do you like any bloke?” Jack asked, the first question after I had come out to him something I surely would not expect and I just stared at him wide eyed, shaking from the resolution, from his interest in his eyes and how he had lit me a cigarette as we just sat outside at night in his yard, not the best place to come out, but we had still done it, he had listened to me and just shrugged, saying that it was ok, that it was still me. He looked away a bit worried and then back at me, exhaling and then pulling me into a hug, telling me not to be scared

But he had nothing to tell.

“A few.” I had said, my throat dry. Jack’s curiosity still lingered. “N-no one specific.”

“Good.” Jack smirked. “Coz I’m taken. And you’re not my type. I don’t want some gay heartbreak.”

I sighed and he just punched me in the shoulder. 

“It would be just like any heartbreak, you moron.” Jack exhaled and tried to look ahead, before laughing softly at his comment. 

“I know. I just wouldn’t want you to break my heart.” 

“Why the fuck not?”

“Sounds like you’d break some bloke’s heart quite badly.” Jack grinned and I shrugged and looked ahead, feeling his leg against mine, my body still shaking from coming out to him and realizing that he had no tale to tell, no mutual talks, no nothing. He did have Meg and neither did he seem interested in anyone other than women. I just shrugged and he dismissed my tears as fear rather than loss of something I had wanted to achieve from this talk. 

Why wouldn’t you love someone who you trust more than your own girlfriend? And I thought that as he let go of the hug, asking me if I were alright. I shook and nodded after a few pauses. I wasn’t sure anymore. My body shaking even more from loss and gain of nothing.

People say that you should get out of your comfort zone to see who you really are, well, the thing is if you’ve got depression you don’t see who you are, it’s like an autopsy, you’ll see my insides, but you’ll have me die in the process as well.

We resume the leftover breakfast and Jack just tries to smile at me and I just look away. It’s far too intimidating to think that the only four walls which accept me for who I am are Jack’s and for some moment only. That’s the problem and I keep wondering where should I even go, as Jack starts talking and I feel like I’m underwater, when you push yourself down, it feels like an oblivion and I feel like I’m getting a deja vu sense of death and I’m sure that if I were to see either the death or the devil who’d come for my soul before death, they’d offer me themselves as Jack and the price would be low, because I’d have already given myself over to him, all they had to do was to make him love me.

I always wondered if there was a love potion, how would it happen? I seemed to imagine it before sleep, like in that ball scene with Romeo + Juliet and it would wear off just as easily, Jack just having the feeling of glitter on his lips, until rubbed off and then I would collapse

When you watch telly and you see a couple, which would’ve been dating if they weren’t same sex, all signs show but for some reason they just don’t go for you

That’s Jack.

“James!” I raise my eyes to see the teacher look at me with their big glasses, giving me some sort of faint primary and I glance back at Jack.

Depression is so loud you don’t hear anything.

“Cell wall.” I mutter and the look is gone and shifted onto another.

Depression is so vivid that my memories are erased, I don’t even understand how I got to school. Depression isn’t colourful, it’s white like the walls if you’re psycho you imagine to die within, trembling, no blood spilt because none raised against the walls to break the skin.

“You always think that the best things in life already happened, but because they didn’t happen yet, you think there’s nothing else.” Is what Jack tells me once the bell rings and he heads over to me and I quickly glance at his lips, wincing which Jack dismisses as a sign of being solely depressed and I sink my head into my arms against the table. I recall the kiss and how he had hesitated and I can’t help but sigh, still wishing I’d feel the warmth again. It feels like torture and knowing that it just gets worse, that I’m the one who has to release myself from the cage yet I still keep the key in my pocket, not letting myself go anywhere, not due to anxiety, but due to sole ridiculousness. 

Jack glances around and as we take our backpacks, Jack loosening his tie and then my own with a smirk as he doesn’t even flinch that I keep my gaze on him, used to it as I glance at everyone and I wonder what would happen if I were to kiss Jack again, just now and how would everyone else who I knew take in my sexuality? 

Jack lets go and I start following him until he turns around and motions towards the exit, I presume it’s for a fag but he increases his speed and soon enough we’re out of the school grounds. He doesn’t even ask me if I wanted to get out. 

“I was thinking. We need an excuse for you to stay on my carpet, while you find a place of your own.” He muses out loud. I just sigh and he puts his hand on my shoulder as we’re a block away and the stores start coming in with their autumn sales. “What if I move in? Then I can surely play at night, fuck the neighbors.”

I blink.

“You need to pay half the rent, wanker.”

“Yeah, well, then it’s easier. We both have to find a job which covers half and then we just get food off my mom or something.” He pauses and I just look away, trying not to let the heavy weight speak it’s concern to me, it’s hard enough knowing the problems itself before they speak. “You can still bring your boyfriends in. I’ll be in headphones. As long as I can shag Meg anytime I want as well.”

Ah, Meg.

I sulk.

“You’ll find a lovely lad, Jamie, honestly, just wait.” Or wait for his straight ass to realize he isn’t so straight. I’m waiting for a brojob request these days. I just keep glaring at him and he just waves me off, trying to focus on the shop windows. I don’t shift my gaze anywhere and Jack looks back at me. “What?”

“Why can’t we fuck?” I fucking speak it out and my head starts aching, I want at least something positive in my life. Jack clears his throat and just shakes his head.

“You cheated on Meg with Alison. It’s not like you’re very monogamous or honest, y’know?”

“Yeah, well, I got excited once I found out that she had no chances with you and she realized all her problems are solved now with you off the market.” Jack winked at me and I just grumble. “Wait, how do you know?”

“She told me that I’m losing her.” I roll my eyes. “Trying a band with her was disasterous a few years ago. Shouldn’t have done that.”

“Find a lovely lad. I’m telling you.” I can’t stop glaring at him and he flips me off, before he heads into the bookstore, going a bit ahead and I just stand near the new section looking at all the straight novels, which seem alien to me and the other day before I fell asleep I even honestly asked myself how do people have straight sex? Doesn’t it get boring doing the same thing over and over again? I take one of the novels and I start flicking it through, my eyes too tired to even focus on words. 

“How do straight people have sex, Jack?” I ask him as he approaches me and he smirks, hands in pockets and soon enough even the tie is off, which is wise since the school colours are there, but then it’s not like we’re the only ones missing lessons anyway. I haven’t missed even one this year yet and it’s still halfway through September. 

“I dunno, you just fuck?” He answers a bit comically confused, pulling now off my tie as it gets caught in my hair and Jack tugs on it heavier. 

“I thought you knew, since you’re not a virgin anymore.” I smirk, still trying to concentrate on the words and trying to understand the meaning behind another straight cis novel. 

“Asks the virgin.”

“Yeah, well, apparently our knowledge is the same then.” I laugh, closing the book and looking at my taller friend. I hesitate a bit, I either shyly watch from afar or pounce. I’m pouncing. “I wouldn’t be if you fucking tried, Jack.”


I started writing this around two months ago and I was heavily depressed, I was solely tempted by the idea that I didn't have a Jamie/Jack high school story and I kept musing on how I would do it and then I guess, please understand that I don't know why Jamie squatted and this is just my musing, head canons and whatnot. 

I just still feel very exiled because I had fought all my life to study in the UK up to the point that I still have dreams and I was very baffled by the results of the Scottish independence and I guess with the lights of all, I think it's rigged and Cameron is an asshole and I think I've said it enough and if I were Scottish or cared, I would really try to do something, but I don't know whose hands were the ones rigging me even if I know briefly, I still cared too much about this today. 

It's really hard to know that you're just kicked out and I thankfully have Callie which supported me and sometimes I would joke that she took the hits more than I did, but in reality she just helped me and we'd just go on, because there is no other way. And that's the thing I can't see myself as noble, when for instance I admire Jamie Hince for everything in his life, but I can't admire myself, so yeah, hello depression

and I'd just like to say thank you again to everyone for their kind words and thank you so so much, you really yank me out of depression and you know who you are and thank you so so much

I was nearly crying and not believing 

Thank you and I wish that my stories will still bring the support I receive at hard times

The first line I believe was written when I was in Portugal, stuck and that's how I felt and I think it's one of those few lines I've rewritten because I had forgotten the original one.

I think one of the most bone crunching moments was when I was brushing my teeth and I had realized that half my head went gray, my roots were silver and that just shocked me because Callie was the one who laughed that she would go gray and there I was. It just dawned on me how much I had lived through and how I seemed to be breaking down and I just wanted to show Jack as Callie is to me. I've told her many times and sometimes all my stories are big love letters to her, just the sole open poetry is the one which aren't published, you base love of somewhere, all exes of the exes, betrayed friends and people who mean off everything, I dunno, I think the Beats inspire me too much. 

I was watching Howl with James Franco when I realized that I was fluid and the other Ginsberg movie (forgive me, I'm sleepy xD) 

And that's why I always relate to Jamie, because I just sometimes feel like no one knows what it's like to have no one behind your back and you have to earn for food, work like clockwise, grab everything and still create art. I still make a point of making it free, I dunno, I'm just tired, really, but I guess… this is something and yeah, I enjoy what I do and I'm still a writer and frankly many years ago I decided that I didn't want to be published, I didn't want to be censored and I don't want my queer sex scenes to be chopped off and neither do I want to be something available for those who are in the UK or the US or who have access to English bookstores. Art should be free, so frankly that's why I just get angry when I get charged for museums. I know maintenance, but when I get told that because I'm out of education I should pay the same fee someone who has worked for years, it's gross. 

And I dunno, I saw my generation fall, everyone get kicked out and jobless and I am angry and maybe this is all I can do, I can scream and sometimes people read my screams, but they still will go and Read IT, they will still like Arcade Fire and it's the Kurt Cobain effect, you'll love Nirvana but you'll be a wanker to like Guns and Roses and there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't really like writing plain dialogue but it seemed fitting and it was fun to do for these two and I love symbolism, so Jamie getting his hair dyed there before he left was much more metaphorical than realistic. And I dunno, it cheered me up to see there's an interview where you can see his gray hairs and in general if you notice, his hair is always dyed. I dunno, I like relating to people, I like knowing that I'm not alone. 

Fifty quid is the rough price of a hotel in Stockholm so that's why I said it, really xD some stories are just set abstractly, I know. Don't worry I use all my settings, so expect a story with my current setting soon, I'm just taking a while to start posting the new things as I'm posting the last chapters of older things and whatnot:) 

The kiss was unplanned and I love how harsh it is and in general the kiss is always a breaking point in a story and I always push it far ahead I think and here it is. 

Callie keeps laughing at the dialogues and in general, no matter how dark my stories are I enjoy doing some comedy, I dunno if the influence is felt, but my favourite all time movie is Trainspotting because it has all genres in one and after I watch it I know I can do anything and again, Renton leaves the UK which became symbolic to me after years. I'm sad that they excluded Renton being bisexual in the movie, the book is amazing, but I do prefer the movie. 

My stories all have a darker tone and flirting with the edge of suicidal so I apologize for that, but it's been hard a year later and in the end a lot of people don't care and only a few do. And I guess I just wanted to make Jamie go through this and yeah, I shouldn't be spoiling and this is really a different Gandalf's Inhaler, because you've got different situations, you've got different disasters and different loves. GI will be updated soon, sorry for the wait, that one is harder because it describes the process while this one is me just describing my depression and love is always well describeable sometimes xD 

I guess now my latest topics are discovering sexuality because it's not that long ago that I realized my fluid side and well I am heavily attracted to men now, so it's interesting on the other side, if you must. So yeah, that's a reaccuring topic. 

Initially Jamie was going to live alone, but then I realized that it would be more fun with them too and I seem to have that topic in Snap Out Of It as well, well, briefly, Callie tells me I over worry and I do, so if you enjoyed it please tell and I'm just looking through, the story tells by itself and it was me binge writing in the pendeltåg and elsewhere, I just was obsessed with the idea and I couldn't stop and that's why it's so huge. 

Jamie flirts quite in your face or either shyly (*cough Miles RAK studios*) so it's fun with his flirting and I guess it echoes with what I had tried once. I'm demisexual so it gets me a while to get into people and there was this bloke and he was quite older and he started flirting and he'd deliberately did it for days and he just reminded me of this other bloke I liked before (who in my head had the ideal writing style which was really him copying Kerouac in a modern way and I always aspired to write like him) and they looked very similar and I wasn't sure of my gender and I had just gotten from a messy nearly on relationship with a girl and then I just saw that he was into me. Fucking hell, it's embrassing but I was like, fuck this, I'm no Ice Queen and I would flirt as openly as I could and that was the most open I ever did. He had a girlfriend and I'm not sure what happened between those two, but either way, it was odd and me and Callie met him a year later and it was still awkward. So anyway, I've tried aggressive flirting, it's… not effective, but you think it is or you're just like "fuck you, I know you like me" xD 

I've been called out on cisphobia and heterophobia too many times, but you know what, fuck it. I don't know how heteronormative people have sex and as long as they shame me, so will I and I don't understand what's wrong with me being queer and trans and I dunno, I know I am angry but yeah, I will be and I always was and well, some read me and yeah, meaning my anger gets somewhere and my desire to be heard and spread the gay really xD

OK THE TITLE CAME FROM I was thinking I want something and I looked at all the Scarfo title songs which have a Russian undertone and I was like fuck, what's Russian and I was like vodka and I was like would that even be serious enough even if I enjoy vodka. And I can even say which one I prefer xD I dunno maybe these are my roots speaking but I like taking one unit and that's all so yeah. Anyway, then I was thinking how the one I currently bought and like doesn't leave an aftertaste like the numbing one and I was like, ok, let's look in a thesaurus for synonyms and apathy was listed as a opposite and I was like what the fuck and I am actually proud of this name, I love it, it matches the story and yeah, I'm sure they will drink vodka at some point anyway. Yay for vodka xD drink responsibly. 

Thank you all for your kind words and thank you for all your support and tell me if you enjoyed this story as I really enjoy writing it (halfway through the second chapter) and thank you so much all of you for making me know that I am someone you enjoy reading