Saturday, 27 September 2014

To Miles 35

War is like rowing in a lake of the dead at night only you don’t know who the dead on your boat you are taking off are.
Alison is about to give birth and Hince is about to take shore leave, and he had announced it to me at New Year’s over the end of the wine bottle, fidelity still on the table, as if the dice could change the course of the game, because all is rigged to the red.
And January greets us for far too much rain up to the point that the canteen in the morning before the caffeine properly starts working looks as if everyone seems to have seasonal depression and it takes me a while to adjust my schedule back, but I still do my duties but it doesn’t help with the ship shaking all the time and Hince keeping a straight face, reading in the canteen and never raising his eyes at anyone, even when I feel like the room gains silence and Jamie just slightly raises his eyes at Miles. 
Miles complains about his turret, which had been getting worse and worse jamming for the past few weeks even while I was ill and now he made the captain fully aware as he raises his eyes and I wonder if anyone notices how he actually holds tighter onto the copy of Oblomov. I had already made my comment, but both me and Jamie barely had any time and it wasn’t far too wise for me to cut down my sleep so the kisses were far too hastily done and he had gone down on me just as promised and I didn’t hold my moans, until he would stop blowing me and straighten up-
“Keep your moans down, Petty Officer Turner.” He smirked and went back down, touching himself as well.
“It will be fixed next time we are on the shore. Three more days.” He added and nodded back at his book, which Miles just bit his lip and turned around, telling Julian to finish up his coffee faster that maybe we would all sneak in the small gap when it doesn’t rain as heavily and we would make it at least less wet to work and everything seemed calm, but I could feel how tense Miles was and how he would watch me, but I would never know how his mind would unravel. 
Hince tells me of shore leave, that he would be taking a few months off and that the first day onshore I needed to do some tests in the hospitals to make sure that my pneumonia was gone and that he would be taking three months off for Alison to give birth and that he would be with her. It was odd to speak of it, it was the elephant in the room neither of us seemed to mind too much.
“Do either of you have a name in mind?” I ask, as he sits on his bed, fidgeting and I’m in his chair and I look at all the books he’s read and I know that all of them will be replaced and the only sorrow I feel is of not seeing him for three months. Jamie just shakes his head. I smirk.
“I heard that it’s always a nightmare to choose a name. But then, I don’t think I’ll ever have to do that.” I say and he just takes his hat off and I see how it’s not as neat today the way he had done his hair and we can’t help but lock eyes, the fear is of the unknown and we both don’t speak of it. I sit besides him and I still feel a bit weak even if it’s been a while and I hug him, kissing the top of his head as he clutches onto me. “I’ll be the one waiting at sea then.”
Jamie doesn’t smirk back.
I kiss the top of his head.
“It’s funny because usually those wait by the sea. C’mon, a child is a good thing.” I smile at him but instead I just hold him until I have to head off and that’s when he doesn’t stop kissing me and it’s consuming, it’s far too explosive and I know I’m pushing my health too much when we are pushed back on the bed, grinding and I know there’s days and days left but he doesn’t stop and neither do I. The days come and go as if the hole in the wall grows and soon enough the date arrives and we both just leave with a small gap in between and we both go to the hospital and it’s weird to see him in his suit, already changed to make sure to look civilian, but claiming that he’ll be putting on the uniform to put the other child to sleep anyway, as that’s what they ask and it’s what Jamie himself would ask his dad and I don’t hastily kiss him on the lips, instead we just depart and I promise to meet him after the hospital.
I don’t cry in the queue and three months feels long, it’s nothing liberating and we’ve discussed fidelity, that he would be sleeping with Alison, that I should catch at least someone, the orders still strict and that he doesn’t mind what I do and even if it were with Miles, which made me raise an eyebrow, but I kept it at such.
I look at the door, a bit uncomfortable and soon enough the queue is just a few more men who I’ve never seen before and I’ll have to head in.
I wonder how Alison had been and how her birth would go and sometimes I would wonder how he would make love to her. I knew he loved her, they had their issues, but all these years they would still be together and I wondered if she knew exactly who he had slept with, but he told me that she never knew neither of me or Miles and being stuck in the same pile as Miles seemed a bit intimidating, as if he had been staring at me, it was sometimes as if everything had been done for Miles, for him to watch his exes unravel in the arms of each other and naturally the worst happens when you think it won’t and once it does, you can do anything
only Miles didn’t realize it. Or maybe that’s exactly why Miles did nothing, what if those were Miles intentions exactly? And I wondered what would his dreams be if Alison, being his sister had such abilities and even Jamie could fortune tell once in a blue moon. 
Maybe it was soothing that even today was already the start of the countdown, that there was much more to come was intimidating, but the hours weren’t going backwards, he was the captain, he had a set date to come back and now a father of two.
I wonder how much had Miles’ jealousy stung and was it different to imagine your sister getting fucked by your lover? I had my hand under my chin, thinking, because the image did sting me a bit, but I knew that he loved me, it’s not like we we wouldn’t pass each other the butter, I was more scared of Alison solely not liking me once found out than anything or getting it out on Jamie. But he stated that she didn’t keep her fidelity as well, but that the baby was his by the cards and over the years Jamie himself learnt how to read cards and it was a simple yes or no question and her hands never shook, only her bracelets, as she’d exclaim
“See? I fucking told you.” Slamming the cards down as Jamie told me. There was something going on between them, she was scared of losing him and she herself was losing herself he had told me that at night she would wake and they would both smoke in silence, reciting their vows, solely because they had both written them. 
Anxiety was surely the tool to destroy us all, the self-doubt which we had learnt from too much social fascilitation was going overboard that even when I left I still felt my hands shaking and knowing that the day was for myself and that the evening I would have dinner with Jamie and Alison, it seemed intimidating, that he would meet me before and after was soothing, it seemed like a consolation prize to make the first day on sea alone be even worse but the countdown had started. 
I always carried his poem with me and I was scared that I would end up losing it or such, but it seemed safer with me even if I had known all the letters and struggled with pneumonia and his handwriting which had been all nearly jammed together, all letters. Anxiety just kept coming with me as I would peek in all shops, the breath of the doctor and the smell of medicine still on me as if I were going through a pharmacy only I would see much more people and they barely seemed visibly ill, the more you travel to cities the more you see how ports are alike and comparissons cause stress and memories and regards and hope of running into anyone, but I wouldn’t run into Matt.
Our exchange was purely letters and he had been clumsy enough to solely apologize and keep ranting about his end as I would just describe Julian being happy over getting powder ice cream. I wondered how come Jamie would make sure to isolate himself and his rank gave him such power, but I just seemed to want to talk to some at times like Jonny who would sometimes speak, a bit too low, but he’d speak how he would fiddle with radios and maybe that’s what he should’ve done instead of a loader, but either way, it wasn’t the worst job in the world according to him.
Small talks seemed to make my day at times and that’s what it would all lead to eventually once Hince would be gone for shore leave. I lit a cigarette, taking drags slowly and watching the smoke and everyone pass by with children. I smiled at a crying child, but nothing happened and I just shrugged, as I felt a hand on my back and then a pat on my head before an excited squeal and I was pulled up harshly into a woman’s arms. 
“Alex! Fuck! Why are you here?” And she’s out of her uniform and it’s odd to see her in a skirt, hair down and eyes glowing and even with some bags. I pull her back into a hug, grinning as both me and Lana just wide eyed stare at each other. 
“Matt keeps fucking talking about you all the time, I’ll tell him you’re alright, he still didn’t get the letter that you’re fully cured, he’s being an ass to everyone.” She rolls her eyes and pulls me back into a hug. And then she pulls back. “Or you playing hard to get.”
Her eyes watch me, as she bites her lips curiously, I honestly feel like I’m the only one unaware of Matt’s antics and I just shake my head. He’s the asshole who barely writes, but then we both barely do.
“Aw, it’s alright, Al, when you just start you’re...” She shakes her head from side to side and I notice her small golden earrings. “All over the place and that’s ok. It’s a bit like a small crush, you think it is. Aw. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you guys fucked.”
She punches me lightly on the shoulder and I can’t help but roll my eyes at her as I take her under my arm and we just start walking on the shopping street and Lana keeps laughing, watching me. 
“What? Am I missing something?” Her smile fades. She points a manicured finger at me. “You guys fucked. What’s the problem?”
She stops and holds me for a while. Then she lets go of me. And widens her eyes, sighing. 
“There’s another fucking guy, isn’t there. But Matt’s perfect for you. C’mon, he loves you, he’s a daft moron, but he really really loves you. Come on, Al, if it’s that guy who Matt said you were after, weren’t you guys done-”
Miles. I feel my neck snap from the memories as I feel his kiss and I hastily shake my head. 
“No, me and Miles broke up months ago.” I feel as if my gloomy mood is transferring onto her and she just keep gawking at me, confusing, shifting her shopping bags from hand to hand and I even see some from a baby store. I blink at that one and she hastily hides it. 
“Then who is it? Who stole your heart, Alexander?” She grins, but I know she’s known me and Matt long enough and apparently about Matt’s feelings longer than I ever have or even thought and I can’t help but just look down and it’s as if I could feel Jamie’s fingers travelling on my neck. 
“Don’t worry, he’s ok.” And I start walking ahead as Lana catches up on her heels and starts walking backwards, in front of me and I see people already thinking there’s some flirting going on when both of us have never even looked at each other properly and only attended formal occasions as a couple to make out with other men and women. 
“But... there’s a catch.” She points in my chest and I smirk. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m holding the toy and we’re children and I’m keeping Santa away and she keeps narrowing her eyes and we both just keep laughing. I miss being on a carrier we’d both wake each other up to gossip in the night during a smoke when she was with us. 
“Yes, Lana, there’s a catch to all men, like women. But we’re fine.” I roll my eyes.
“Then... why aren’t you telling me who it is?” Her heels keep clicking just because there is barely any snow and her curioisity is running all over her body as she keeps looking at me. I smirk outloud.
“Because you never told me who your new lady was.” I keep my voice down and Lana rolls her eyes, biting her lips and hiding her face behind her hand. 
“Guilty. But I’ll tell if you tell, just you might know her. That’s the problem.” She fixes her long brown hair and I wonder when was even the last time she wore it down and is it even in fashion, but everyone seems to be a bit too liberal here, maybe that’s why Hince lives here. I click my tongue and ponder as our eyes cross and we both laugh. Lana changes to a more serious tone. “You have to promise not to tell, her husband has no idea.”
I stop.
“Her husband? Lana, fucking hell, get off married women.” It’s not a first. It’s not a fucking first, last time she nearly got into fucking trouble but the husband was reluctant to report both women fucking and they all just silently broke up, but Lana just kept going for older, specifically married women on shore, stating that if the men were up to something on boats, then so were the women on shore, she had a point which never missed. 
“Oh, you don’t sound too innocent, Turner, speak up, who are you fucking?” She stops in front of me and we both motion to the alleyway. I sigh, look down and oh, fucking hell, it’s Lana.
“It’s the captain.” She smirks, but something dark goes in her eyes. 
“Hince? Isn’t he like the main homo fighter? Wow, both of you catching...” She does inverted comas with her hands, but I see her smile darken much more and she still forces to look at me. “‘Homosexuals’ and are fucking. Wow. Just... wow. Hince?”
I just nod.
“Well... I guess he should be very attractive.” Her laugh is far too forced. 
“Lana, are you ok?” She dazes out and then looks at me, a bit through. 
“I... don’t know. Captain James William Hince, yeah? You’re... on the destroyer.” Lana nearly whispers and I just keep looking at her, confused. Then she shifts the topic and starts making her way out of the alley. “My dear friend, you are also fucking a married man.”
I pull her back in the alley.
“Who are you fucking, Miss Grant?” I smirk and she just shakes her head. I moan. “Come on, I’m fucking the captain, we’re like the super crew, come on, tell me, your side of the deal.”
She starts biting the skin around her nails and I just watch her. A few dots connect in my head and my head feels light. 
“I’ll see you at their dinner party.” She says grimly and pushes her way through me. 

“Alison Hince?” I nearly yell out, but she’s at the end of the alleyway and she just waves back at me, not looking back and the blue bag with baby items is the last thing I see. 

Bahah, now I own all Luxury Plane Crash singles and the album itself. Anyway, still Jamie Hince related. I get quite anxious about writing back stories these days because I actually catch myself thinking where do I filter and what do I hold back, but in reality nothing is really held back, I'm still as open, just weird that apparently I should just accept that I'm considered read, but it's weird when the mind tells you otherwise. 

Either way, I'm happy you all enjoy it and the biggest plot twist, Lana and Alison were plotted earlier than Matt and Alex. Lana and Alison and Lana specifically sleeping with Jamie's wife was plotted back when Lana was introduced, so it's weird that nearly a year later it's actually revealed even if some hints were shown. 

I'm sad about Hince's shore leave, but to be honest I've got these months which I needed to fill up because I was rushing events far too fast so Lana's plot is pushed a bit forward and I like it more here. I'm trying to talk in order of the chapter xD

I had no fast Russian novel in my head, so I just googled Russian novels and was all, yeah, I recall reading Oblomov, was shit and chucked it in. It's funny how I still keep strict to giving Hince novels which I disliked in school. 

Callie noted she loves how all is in haze, but while you just recover everything is a haze and in general both Alex and Jamie are freaking out that Jamie will go for shore leave, so everything is jumbled really. I haven't chosen names for either of Jamie's and Alison's children 8) there, I know, I'm awful. I should give them some names xD or rather fish out a character. 

I just like their open relationship really and I guess being poly, it's more natural to me, even if Callie is mono and well my only current partner :3

Fortune telling is quite a theme and Alison is far more experienced than I am, because I just stick to a few methods and that's all and I always imagine Alison with all the meanings in her head, because I usually do it by a book, not recalling all meaning and interpretations and her cards far more tattered and doing the more complex ones and even if I usually give her the ones I know, I still imagine her much more knowledgeable. 

I really enjoy writing Jamie and Alison, like I always do and I'm happy that I had made them a couple here and yeah, there's much more of Alison ahead now and of course the dinner party is quite interesting and originally they were going to find out about Lana by all three walking in the same direction, I mean Jamie, Lana and Alison, but I like it more like this.

Because To Miles is my biggest work I get ridiculous anxiety writing it sometimes because I really love it and it's kind of my main piece and my epic, really, so this chapter was going slow then I was anxious and I had some free time on my laptop and I just wrote through my anxiety. I thought that well, he wouldn't bump into Matt and I gave him Lana earlier. 

I really love writing Lana in this story and she was always Callie's favourite female character since I've discussed Lana's entire line and she knows much more than anyone else naturally as I just randomly start talking or asking and To Miles is discussed a lot to make sure that I'm on the right historical track just in case and we discuss because there's much more war ahead naturally and yeah. 

I enjoy reading my stuff out loud once it's done to Callie and I think I even read Lana and Alex's dialogue a few times because I couldn't stop laughing at both of their realizations xD

Well, I kind of made Lana gay in this story, so naturally she would be into older women and quoting Callie and me, her logic is flawless, men fuck on the boats, therefor the women on the shore might just be interested xD 

I shall forever quote "Alison Hince?" in my Alex's reading voice xD 

I honestly hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I'm quite excited as well, now the whole Lana/Alison/Jamie/Alex is now also in place and well, the dinner party and meh, I'll just spoil a bit since Miles is a popular wanker obviously xD who doesn't invite family. There, go pester me to write it now xD I already have a few hilarious scenes in mind

Thank you and I'm happy that I'm binging on To Miles because I honestly love it

And I'll be doing Nanowrimo on To Miles again because this thing is huge and I just want to write much more of it and I honestly have no idea how long it will be because it will expand over the war and the epilogue which goes over what happens to whom with many scenes will expand for a good few chapters and a lot of characters didn't even appear and many get much more time obviously

Thank you for the support and loving my writing, honestly

Please drop me a message if you liked it and I'm happy to talk about it or your theories of what's going to happen, I'm actually curious what do you think will happen, if you have thoughts :3

Thank you once more



To Miles 36

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