Jamie takes the couch every night and I wonder how come we both wake up and there is nothing awkward about both of us in pajamas and eventually he drags Archie in and soon enough even his doggy things are all here and he just watches me amused and the fact that Jamie talks to him in his sleep creeps me out a bit, so I just watch him from afar, wondering what the fuck would a forty five year old talk with an Italian born dog?
“The tempting thing about suicide is that if there’s nothing after death then all of this will be forgotten.” I tell that to Archie on the third night as Jamie headed out for groceries and we agreed to head out tomorrow and I wonder how alienated I shall feel.
It seems to slowly start wearing off with Jamie nearly yanking me out of bed every night and soon enough he even forces me outside and I smile for the first time in a while, clothing a bit too plain because I couldn’t tell myself that I would look good in a button up and Jamie drops his suits as well, which eases me a bit and he looks far better than I do and he’s the one who does my quiff as I sit on the edge of the bathtub and I feel as if I’m just getting dragged out from the dead and I take my while before we head outside.
It’s a bit obscure before I feel weight slowly start dropping off me and I exhale, feeling the wind and getting a cigarette from Jamie, I inhale, mixing two pleasurable things. I look at him to thank him for the past few days, but instead I just look away as we make our way to a bench on the street, exhaustion still running down my blood. Walking drains my energy far too much and I still feel distant from Jamie, his presence even if it’s been a few days is plastered in my mind, removing the fact that once I’ve been alone.
And the fleeing thing about suicide is that I can never bring myself to do it as me and Jamie walk through a bridge and he tells me it’s not high enough or locking myself in a public bathroom is not enough even with a swiss army knife in my pocket,
where do I cut,
how deep should it be
how long will the pain be?
“People survive plane crashes?” Why wouldn’t I survive suicide then if something pulls my fear by the strings? And Jamie just shrugs pulling on the coat on me with the small anchors and I just frown, my hair lazily swept to the side, I couldn’t manage to get a quiff and I refused Jamie’s help and I lingered on his eyes. He in his forties looked far younger than I did and a sighed, as the smaller man put his arm around my shoulders and we headed off.
We choose Jamie’s local and I’m still surprised Kate hasn’t called but with the rumors flying around and the tabloids just picking on her outfits, I don’t ask anything from Jamie and Archie is as silent besides in Jamie’s dreams, as the pooch decided to remain in the house.
And there he sits, the culprit which gave me the key to the box of Pandora’s misery with all the serpents inside and his hair is grown, nearly reaching his old fringe and he smokes inside, ignoring the ban and Jamie waves at the bartender, we’re alone, being Mr. Moss has it’s privileges I presume and we approach him with his feet on the table and then he grins widely, Miles nearly pulling me in a hug, but then the ghost of death passes us all giving us shivers and I can taste Arielle’s laugh.
“He looks awful.” Jamie mutters and heads to the bar to order the drinks as we all watch the older man, what’s with him is stuck in my mouth and Miles just shrugs, his hand still on my shoulder, he can’t help but not grin at seeing me in one piece as I sit through out the whole thing in my coat, a bit too chilly as the spirits are passed, I just hold onto beer for no reason as Jamie and Miles go for stronger things, as if they were the ones who had to lift the black fabric to identify the girlfriend with all her body smashed and pieces of hair everywhere. Her laughs were shallow, but not as her death and even speaking of her seems disrespectful as I stick my finger into the beer, feeling it’s wetness, Jamie saying that feeling any texture can bring you back into reality.
A kick is followed under the table after Miles’ question, which was why was I so uptight and I just clung my glass against the table.
“Because no one tells you it takes hours to jerk off when you’re on diazepam.” I snap and
“First day off, Alex.” Jamie adds hastily and I expect Miles to smirk and instead, Jamie just shrugs, he’s had his fair share of depression and I never had the guts to ask him how was it treated or if he ever addressed it when he was fifteen, since that the age he claimed was the darkest.
Miles keeps his silence.
“It’s true.” Jamie looks desperate and I don’t even know why are we touching on a subject where every morning Jamie just gives the pill for me to drink with water just coz the GP said so. “It... just-”
He snaps his fingers.
“Turns you off. No one talks of it. Doesn’t matter if you’re jerking off or if someone is, you’re just off and it’s like... hey, sweetheart if you come, I’m done, because I’m not going in the next few hours.” He rolls his eyes and Miles just watches us confused.
“They put him on diazepam.” Miles looks at Jamie, points at me. “You didn’t tell me that.”
“Came home, looked at him in bed, I had to describe his symptoms and they just said one a day. Yesterday was the last doze...” He pauses. “I’m guessing that’s why his jerking off went bad.”
“Why are we discussing me jerking off.” I mutter. And they look at me. I did start it. I just keep drinking beer, no diazepam, alcohol is the right way to go.
“Because it’s good that you’re jerking off. That means you want something, she was a lying filthy bit-” Jamie kicks Miles harder under the table. I feel rage slowly build up and do a small roar, it’s nothing too harmful and it’s full of fear of even giving my own self attention, but I did it on impulse, my blood pressure rising high and kicking in like a permanent high, as if it’s always been when it’s a sole moment of ecstasy. I just put my glass sideways and the remaining of the beer foam flood the table as both hastily start rubbing it off with the few napkins we are given.
“She was still my girlfriend and she still died, Kane.” I say darkly and I look at Jamie with pleading eyes. “Can we leave?”
I feel Miles crumble, but I don’t care as I take Jamie’s wrist and I feel the fabric of some old suit he’s wearing just to give both of us a sense of occasion and I wonder if soon enough both of us living will be the talk only with the fact that neither of us have even dared to touch each other in any way and won’t. I’m into women and as far as I know Jamie still has a wife, no matter what is happening that I don’t see them call each other.
“Miles really wanted to see you.” Jamie swallows the remains of his spirits and my whole body aches and I just want to curl against him and watch anything which is on air, I want to just feel him besides me, he barely moves, he just quickly glances to make sure I’m still breathing. Jamie looks at Miles again.
“Anything you want to say before we leave, Miles?” Green on brown. They both hold their gazes and some long lost memory which happened to be fond of passes like a lost letter and then they both look down and Miles just shakes his head.
“I’m sorry, y’know-”
“I don’t care whose friend you were, Kane.” I mutter and I stand up, yanking Jamie up in the process and the bewilderedness lasts for one second.
“Where the fuck is Archie anyway?” I snap at Hince and he just motions his head back, meaning home. Maybe I am a fuck toy, for everyone. I glance back at Miles, who observes both of us confused.
“I’m not fucking him, Kane. Shut the fuck up. If you appeared on my doorstep, you’d be sleeping on my sofa too.” And we both leave, Jamie quickly shaking hands and catching up on me as he lights my cigarette and I watch him, a few thoughts scattering in my mind.
“You’re not with Kate, are you?” He shakes his head, lighting his own cigarette and I don’t know if to keep it at that. I need more drinks and we buy vodka at the nearest Tesco, both of us getting ID’ed as usual. I smoke my cigarette longer as we slowly start heading back, I look back at Jamie.
“Is there something wrong with you when you can’t come for hours?” I breathe out the smoke. He shakes his head.
“It’s diazepam, it numbs you.”
“I feel like shit today.” I snap, looking at him right in the eye and he shies away from the contact at first, but then receives it full on.
“You get addicted, give it tomorrow, you’ll feel better, Alex.”
“Ok.” I take a longer drag. I pause on the sidewalk. “So, if I were to have sex-”
“It would be the same thing, correct.” Jamie stands close to me and I look at him, a younger gay couple walking past and thankfully I’m a wreck to be recognized and Jamie isn’t too well known for the average being. I take a smaller drag now and he looks away from me. “What?”
“Nothing.” He shrugs. I click my tongue and I just look back at the two young men and I wonder if they will get ID’ed and pass as well as I just walk on, Arielle’s laugh in my mind.
“Why does attraction happen fast?” I repeat Arielle’s first phrase to me to Jamie.
“Because we’re scared of wasting our lives.” He mutters, scratching his eye and the thing which stops me is the cigarette in his mouth and my mind is swollen and I feel like I need touch and he’s besides me and I recall some mutterings and how he had refused to say hi to Brian Molko when I had bumped into him. It doesn’t make sense and instead of lightning a new cigarette for each I give him mine, I stretch it out and he takes it with trembling fingers.
What the fuck happened at fifteen?
“Just...” Now I drag from the same cigarette and we’re very close to each other. “You don’t see me as an easy fuck.”
Jamie takes the cigarette and raises an eyebrow.
“Excuse me?” I repeat myself.
“Alex, I came in, I knew Arielle died and I couldn’t leave you. If I wanted a fuck I would’ve just gone back-” He pauses. “Nevermind.”
“No, go on. Spill it, Hince, what the fuck is going on.” I blow smoke in his face.
“I broke up with someone and I didn’t go straight to yours after she died, I thought that you would be at her funeral, you weren’t. I came in to check and you were a wreck, you’re my friend and I stayed.” He hardens up. I narrow my eyes. I don’t think either of us believes the truth because names aren’t uttered.
“You weren’t with Ar-”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Alex, it was Miles!” He exclaims and drops the cigarette and I just stare blankly.
“What-” My heart stops and I don’t feel the floor, my tongue burning.
“WHAT THE FUCK, BOTH OF YOU WERE BANGING WHILE ARIELLE DIED AND THEN YOU BREAK UP AND YOU SHOW UP OUT OF FUCKING PITY? SINCE WHEN ARE ANY OF YOU INTO MEN?” I start screaming and it’s too far of an empty street and I am shaking and I have no diazepam, just some herbal shit Jamie said could be used as some replacement and I take out a blister and I swallow three dry and the word dry makes me choke.
Jamie just looks down.
“WHAT THE FUCK, BOTH OF YOU? BOTH OF YOU?” He shrugs and nods.
“fucking hell” my hands hiding my face and I sit on the sidewalk and Jamie just sits besides me and I push him away at first before I grab onto his coat and start crying. and I don’t even know
what is it
my mind spirals and Jamie just drags me onto the couch, shoving some Xanax in my mouth and puts tea besides me, turning on the telly and I watch him and I noticed how chestnut his hair is today, when did he even dye it-
I stretch my arm and he squeezes my fingers.
“Squeeze back. It’s a method for depression.”
“Depression, I want to kill myself.” I mumble.
“Not on Xanax, sleep wi-”
I close my eyes and I press his fingers against my cheek. I sleep on his couch and he watches me from the floor, making coffee every hour to make sure I’m still beating.
I realized that I didn't really update any milex stories recently and well, either way there's just a few stories which don't have Jamie in them anyway xD this story as stated was because I wanted to write some milex only from Alex's point of view and the whole idea of Alex being oblivious to his sexuality seemed tempting and anyway here we are.
I know, I'm not too frequent in the milex fandom these days and I just let the couples come as they go (that's why everyone is so close with Jamie, haha xD) and me and Callie were actually discussing it, if you knew that your friend was getting cheated on what would you do? Would you just approach them funeral before or after? There is no right answer here. And I guess it's one of those more classic approach stories of mine where there are a few characters and everyone is fucking around or so xD
Miles and Jamie being exes I think is a prop I've used twice it just happens that I've used in To Miles and here, so I apologize, but it was needed and was done so yeah. In general I shall forever take my hate off regarding Jamie and yeah.
My depression has been bad and today was my first day off my non-herbal meds and that's why I discussed it today and the beginning was solely awful and in general I don't think withdrawal and the first day off diazepam is talked a lot and perhaps I do sex a bit too gracious and after all, all is fiction and Snap Out Of It doesn't glamorize the whole idea that everyone who you know had fucked, reminds me of how I had heard that a girl I knew sucked off this bloke I dated ages ago in a bathroom stall which I was using, which was awfully disturbing. And when it's gay it's even a bit more crowded, kind of like as problematic as it is, like Alice's chart in The L Word (God, that shit was so bad and problematic I couldn't finish watching it).
Jamie talks to Archie in his dreams, I guess I'm just saying this to those who don't go fishing and reading everything about Jamie in a weird sense, like I was scrolling through the Fiji website earlier today xD
Suicide is a weird thing, it's when depression becomes too loud, I know I use "depression and loud" a lot but that is the best description you can get really, it's awful, it just blinds you and thank you for all who talk to me and please excuse me if I take a while to reply and I've been binge writing, like this chapter today, nearly all of it was written in one go and the beginning of the next even on my phone during a walk. My mind never shuts off, I always keep thinking of all stories, I only listen to music to develop plots and I write when my mind screams that or the other story, that's why I can spend weeks on one and one hour on another and I can pick up stories which have been dropped for years. So none are really dropped, plots are all in my head, but all is still chaotic and yeah, thank you for making me feel loved it means a lot to me, thank you
I think the suicide phrase was written when me and Callie were stuck in Lisbon on the fundraiser, which I have to thank everyone greatly for and thank you, I mean it, I'm sorry if I am shy of it.
My life is a mess, but when my depression releases me I try to stay positive so I do. So that was when I would walk out and look at the road, wondering, it's an odd feeling when you calculate things and the mind just goes loud.
Jamie and Alex's relationship is a bit based off mine and Callie's which I've mentioned to her, because some days I am as bad and she just puts me somewhere and does my hair or she'll softly tell me to wake up, keep talking to make sure I'm awake and use all the methods to keep me going. I don't know how clear I make it, but my depression is pretty heavy at times, but I guess the odd thing is that it's getting better, because when everything collapsed a year ago I would go from bed to bathtub and I recall we bought Maddie Hatter (I'm a doll collector) when we were in Glasgow and she cheered me up and I was always scared, I'm always scared to be honest, I'm always scared of the future because of everything which happens so my writing is my escape and apparently other people's as well
And it means a lot that people just say, you're the best I've ever read, because my writing is me and that in a sense means to me that I am worth it and that I do things which matter and all of a sudden, it's not about my anger but about my comfort and I am happy that I can provide it to people
Suicide sometimes becomes stuck by the question how the fuck do I do it? And that's where you are thankfully stuck and I am thankful, many many years ago I helped a person I cared deeply about but they rarely talk to me now, I recall they had no one who agreed with them on anything and I just told them "ok, just tell me if you do" and well, we departed ways. I depart ways with many people because in the end one friend falls for the other or someone ends up being an asshole and I loved them dearly just not the way they wanted and I miss them dearly. So basically, I dunno, that's how it helps me, instead of screaming "DON'T DO IT" there is some rational talk, like, hey that doesn't cut deep enough or ok, I dunno, but that's just me and I have never committed, just flirted with the thought and speaking of Snap Out Of It, I should be honest, really.
I actually got inspired to write this chapter by this photo of Miles in a pub with his legs up on a table and he still had the fringe. Dunno, I don't like his current hairstyle, neither do I like Alex's, that's why he's always with a quiff in my stories 8)
I like speaking off obvious things people don't speak about, so since I'm open about sex. It's a nightmare when it comes to antidepressants and sex. Jamie pretty much stated it, it takes hours and it's awful and it feels like rubber and dysphoria hits everywhere, it's just awful, because those pills numb you entirely and then even then they can't numb you fully, nothing can, just some small ridiculous things or talks anything can and just grab it if you're ever down.
I'm always here if anything, I try to reply fast and I know it takes me ages, but if you ever need to vent, I'm here, just know I'm here
I'm not sure how I will handle this one specifically but when you're someone else's friend you go on their side as well and with the whole what the fuck Chung/Turner and Miles is a friend that made Alex snap that of course he never liked Arielle but for the sake of keeping her out of the picture I might just give Alex a different ex, but the fact remains, you still cover for friends and even choose both sides.
So both Jamie and Miles have their own ways of dealing with Alex's grief, with Jamie not telling yet being with Alex, while Miles pilling the beans and letting him deal with it alone. I'm not an alone person, so yeah.
I don't want to touch the subject of Kate and Jamie, which I think you have to blind not to notice, but either way, in this story he is not with Kate obviously.
One of the things which attracted me to Hince besides his life story was his description of depression, how since he was 15 he felt as if he was wasting his life, this is how I feel every day and I addressed that in his words in the story.
It was supposed to happen much later in the story, but I just get everything my mind comes up with nearly at once, so here we are, Miles and Jamie are ex-lovers and more will be said on the topic and I hope you're enjoying the story so far.
The squeezing is a method me and Callie use when I feel myself fallen apart, it's very useful but again, you need two.
And Xanax will make you sleep instantly, at least for me, but my insomnia has been coming back.
I do feel better, but my depression is in waves so I'm good now, but it's hard and I hope you enjoyed the story and if you did, please tell me as any words can turn my world around and yeah, I hope you enjoyed it and there's a lot to come specifically about everything xD
I honestly hope you enjoyed it and thank you for all your support