Thursday, 4 September 2014

Close 7

I always wondered what was it inside that would cause someone to kill anyone and how would the hand not even tremble, how come Kate could do that when I had too many thoughts in my head of cutting someone’s life off and ruining someone’s fate and lover? I wouldn’t want to get killed, while robbing was a different story, Jamie just said that it started off as need and then progressed, the style a bit too glamorous and the fact that nothing could be done when you were in exile in society, when all the votes were against you and he still remained quiet on too many things, like why he had left home and even on Kate he still seemed silent. 

And we head out, a suitcase with gathered things with Jamie, as he carries it and he has a different coat, a plaid one and quickly glances at me as we head to the train station. He tells me we will have to come back tomorrow as well, he studies the schedule, asks for the tickets and I wonder far too much, as I watch him walk around the station and throw a bottle of water from Boots. 

“There’s too many things you do for love.” He says, looking at me darkly, his hair a bit out of place, as his eyes darken and I wonder if that’s how you look when you sell your soul to the devil. And I wonder if Kate hadn’t died would I always be the lover on the side, as we buy the tickets with the last money and I wonder why he had chosen something as expensive as that. 

We enter the last cart and I wonder if it’s symbolical that he had chosen London’s King Cross which seemed like the most obvious way, but maybe we should’ve taken it from Glasgow then and the grass is still green as I close my eyes before I see him leave this cart and stay for a while in between, not too many people yet and I look back to see nothing and I wonder if the devil is on our side or if it’s God who wants everyone’s blood and I walk towards him, as he places the bomb, his fingers still and a half smoked cigarette from earlier in his mouth and Jamie motions me to follow him forward and he stops for a second, looking at me and he gives me the cigarette and he waits watching me finish in the small space and he notices me trembling.

He holds his silence on his tongue.

“Maybe we haven’t done enough.” And he turns around and I just make sure to walk cautiously, his plan never uttered by him as we walk cart by cart, all ten until we reach the last one and Jamie looks behind, people already filling the whole train more by the stop, the closer we get to London and it feels all so bleak, all these people I’d never see again, Jamie quickly heads back and I try to sit calmly, closing my eyes to ignore as if I would hear all the noise of his heels trying to unhook the rest of the cabins and it takes more than I wished it would and he comes back, a bit too fast and I just look back to-

I see the rest of the train start losing speed, but it’s ok because none would survive anyway and I don’t even feel any palms which I’m about to split open in my hands, I don’t feel the blood, until we reach the moment when Jamie pulls out the remote and one dog starts barking and I close my eyes, my whole body trembling

Dogs feel what’s about to happen, before all of us and that’s when he takes my hand and I open my eyes to feel his fingers intertwine with mine and he presses the button with my finger, looks away and we don’t kiss as the loud bang is heard and everyone stands up just to see everything derail besides this one cart and there’s about ten people as Jamie smirks, standing up and gets out a gun from his inner coat pocket

I don’t even participate, perhaps wishing that I just were the lover on the side, not the lover for the crime and I don’t stop him as he just keeps pointing the gun to make sure everyone remains silent as he tells me to open the suitcase which has another two guns and I take it with trembling hands, but my hesitation is not even causing anyone to budge with Jamie pointing the gun

I don’t even hear what he says as he slowly walks up to the first teenagers and shoots in the head, screaming follows and I close my eyes, still holding the gun as the bodies slowly go lifeless, he reloads with the screaming the soundtrack as an ode to death and staining the entire content of the train and he goes one by one, my breathing become more than dramatic as I start seeing blood in my hand, my whole vision giving up on me as I want to vomit as I watch him walk around

and I wonder if Kate was the devil he sold his soul to and he makes his way even to the dog, whose leash was firmly tied up to a chair as the dog tries to jump on him and instead he shoots the creature as well and I wonder if he would also ever shoot Archie and he turns around to face me, the dog being the last and he shoots the lock to reveal the driver

I feel as if the dog with the death predictions is in my hands and the driver is the one who takes the last bullet for the night

I can’t scream to fill in as I watch the blood draw patterns on all the controls and I slowly stand up

I don’t even know if he wanted me to even shoot

He lifts the driver and I sit in the driver’s chair, watching the train go ahead

I close my eyes, my mind going still, the scent of powder, blood twisting and I can feel some mint relaxation going through my mind and I know death has taken it’s toll and I don’t even turn around as I feel his fingers take my hair and he pulls me so that we see each other, we’re both in blood from the driver, from the people he has approached

and there’s nothing sexy

nothing at all

I’m not with blonde hair in the wind

and his hair is all over the place, he still has the faint scent of cigarettes

my mind keeps going blind, a tape which keeps breaking and he presses the gun against my temple

I don’t press anything against him as I close my eyes

He’s never told me the plan. 

I’m not there to hear the bang, I believed that a ghost only remains when you await judgement or because there is too much to judge, it’s some eternity for you to gain, for no reason

“Some things happen and are never explained.” He had told me, while drunk, still barely holding the bottle, an other hand on his forehead, eyes bright and observing me with age

It’s not that there was nothing untold, it’s that I felt that after that he had lifted my head and decided to leave without a kiss, the train still going and committing suicide on his own. 


I am awfully depressed about finishing this story and I've decided to post it today because I keep thinking of it and I get awfully sad that it's over. It took me months or weeks to decide what would Jamie's actual plan be and I kept thinking and when I was writing the earlier chapters I was thinking with Jamie on what exactly would he do.

Close is actually one of the few I reread and I awfully miss and the ending makes me sad, because I usually make a massive point of making the main couple end up together and here you just don't know so I myself would have to think of it. I believe both of them spoke that they don't believe in it and I think Alison stated that would mean giving way to God and etc. But I believe in the afterlife, so today to calm myself down I just had the image of them laughing and that cheered me up, because well, I don't know if you're interested regarding what I think happens because the story ends here, but for me he still chooses Alison over Kate and there's a subtle hint that Jamie has too many secrets up his sleeves and he still cheated on Kate with Alison, kind of flirting with the head canons which are in real life, because all of them hide everything awfully well, that's why when new things emerge it's fascinating to write more and more. Also with Fiji done I was sad that I didn't have an early AU Kills, (Untitled is kind of canon xD) so I started a different one as well. There's many stories and I've even started this big one with Jamie, I've been dying to do for months, fill in my Kills gaps xD

I dunno I'm sad that it ends the way it does, Alison's death was thought of as soon as the train was thought of or even earlier. 

And yesterday I rewatched Satellite which is pretty much haha an onscreen version of Close xD Alison in a blonde wig seemed like a metaphor how she seems to never reach Kate in her mind (if to take Close and Satellite) but she is the one she fears, solely in a wig, she's still the one with Jamie.

I always have trouble re-reading so I am slowly re-reading and I am awfully enjoying it. I really always shipped them and I loved it for it's high Edinburgh touch I always felt while writing it and it was called Close due to some Close off the Royal Mile, that I would imagine them there with their sexual tension and it's been hard over a year since I've been in Edinburgh and in the UK. It's really hard to throw away your home, so it's sad with all these stories as I write them and end such as Close and Used Lighter (Bar Eyes is still ongoing though, yay :D ) I really regret not going with a camera and taking photos of all the place which had inspired me, but it's weird to look back, it was really hard and awful and I'd keep listening to The Kills because I felt so foreign and the city would be my drug and I would take specifically long bus rides and I would listen to The Kills to calm down and I would think of ideas, that's why I would write every day. Sorrow makes you write a lot, that's why I have so many updates up and I was thinking not to update anything, but then I decided that I'd rather have my things out there for anyone and here they are.

Again, to keep this blog running on better daily or an update every two days please donate if you can (right top side, there's a donate box), don't worry if you can't, I just don't want to sell my writing and I'd love to have it as my full time job since well… people enjoy it, but in this world climate, we're all broke and that's obvious unfortunately

More like support an actual trans gay writer, really.

Anyway, back to the story xD

The whole last chapter was a tension held to never have a kiss, which makes me sad because they never kiss and it's always on the verge and it gives a confusion towards Jamie's feelings which are a big theme in the whole story. I'm sorry I'm really sad to finish the story of these two sexually tense crooks xD

I've been on that train a few times and I always loved it to be honest xD well, not anymore obviously, but it's a nice classic ride really and I guess it was symbolic of me to choose and blow it up and me and Callie used the Glasgow one I think to London, yeah the Glasgow-London one, while they do the Edinburgh-London one XD 

All technical aspects is a bow down to Callie who helped me and I would muse out loud to her as she would quietly listen to what I would think Jamie would do and it seemed fitting, everything even ends in a circular composition which I adore :3 

Callie pointed out that the death in her opinion, as in Alison's could be because she didn't kill anyone, but in reality it was all in Jamie's head. All before, all was planned and his line of we could've done more, just shatters me, c'mon, I shipped them too, ok? XD xD 

It's funny how you're stuck thinking like ah, how do I do this and in the end you use it lightly, but I write many stories at the same time, so my mind spits out new ideas for each story xD ask me any and I'll know where it's heading xD 

And the coda is the afterlife of Alison watching Jamie's suicide. Originally it was going to end with Alison getting murdered but then she'd see it and yeah, it would've happened eventually, he also loved her, they both did. I dunno, I'm really sad that I finished it and yeah, people enjoy the backstories so here it is. And the last two chapters or so where written in one go as I was anxious that I wasn't ending stories and the ending just came. It's sad. Ok, I can talk about this forever so if you want to talk about Close just write below or my tumblr, I shall always miss Close

Also, it's in the 7 chaptered stories :3

I just get sad and imagine them laughing in whatever afterlife actually is. 

Suicide is a lone thing, while death isn't. 

I honestly hope you enjoyed it and will miss it as much as I will and thank you for all the support and wait for all these years, this was a very old Callie request back when I would follow my requests, she was like do a Bonnie&Clyde and it didn't matter to me how vague the phrases and requests were, the more vague or just a couple the better and now, yeah, I kind of dropped it, updating whatever is updated, but if you want something to be updated or you miss me writing a certain couple please tell me

And yeah, I know, Jamie Hince is in every story right now XD

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, tell me and we will cry together



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