Thursday, 28 August 2014


We still both end up laughing hilariously at the newly bought condoms and awkward meet, as I can’t help but keep looking at him and we link arms on the way back to his flat. He’s much taller than I am and I always feel so small even if he’s a bit less than average height and his hair is quite big. I wonder how odd would it even be to see him with shorter hair as he claimed that it’s been long for quite a while and had no intention of even cutting it off. It feels weird to share some silence when I feel like I’ve got too much to say and once I get back I don’t get much questions asked, as all is presumed where my days go and I guess the simple question of protection is resolved it is kept that way.

The attention is shifted to Matthew, who seemed to start sulking and mentions that there’s not a lot left anyway for us to suffer here, which hits a bit home, but I dismiss it and get a change of clothes to walk out, later in the night, knowing exactly where to head and I take a bus, a bit too hyped even if the corners of my soul seem to be crawling with the virus of counting the left days and my mind tries to close anything and it’s harder when I knock on the door and it takes Jamie a while to open. 

The rain at night makes it a bit surreal for the last moments before he opens it. He’s got a towel around his head as well as he motions me in, pulling me into a fast kiss before he dives back into the bathtub. I watch his hair dissolve and I just shudder.

“Do you think I should cut it?” He asks me, opening a new box of cigarettes and stretching me out the pack and I watch him, a bit too sad all of a sudden and I sigh, not even giving a proper reply as I undress and I join him, wondering how fast he had washed out his hair and I wonder if this will be the only day I’ll see him with this hair length and the hair itself weakened from the previous dreadlocks. 

I wonder if Jamie himself had been counting as he holds the cigarette smoke too long in his mouth, watching me from the corner of the eye as if getting adjusted to something not so long to get even if not wanted to be achieved. 

“I think you should do what you want, really.” I smile and our legs and knees are touching, towering above the water in the old, small bathtub which could’ve just been for children yet was still adjusted here and had seen far more sex than intended. 

There could be someone else inside here next week.

I close my eyes.

“Five days.” I just mutter and I press my lips against the surface of the water and I slowly immerse myself in, feeling Jamie shift closer to me, his own fingers stroking through my hair as I feel him watching me and I wonder far too much, my memories mostly of his face how we would walk around, memories far too valuable too share and far too empty for someone else to comprehend. 

“I know, I’ve been counting.” Green eyes hurt with some pain which is inevitable. I just hug him and I hope the pain only comes to last at the mark.

“I shaved my head when I was a kid. We could do that again.” Jamie raises an eyebrow but bursts out laughing anyway, most likely thinking if his razor would work for it.

I feel the taste of the end on my lips as I keep looking at Jamie across the bathtub and I just wonder how long would he hold the short hair and if I keep getting worried over the sudden change and my soon departure, but then it would be less depressing to cut the hair now rather than later.

You can know people all your life and sometimes you know that from one look you know someone or even from a few days, sometimes time is far too irrelevant as I can’t help but feel both of us watching every patch of skin and every smiling wrinkle to make sure that it stays as fresh in memory even if the memories regarding faces of beloved are always awful or is because we’ve never truly loved before? I lean forward to kiss him, hold his lips against my own, as I feel him deepen the kiss slowly and I feel like we’re both falling apart far too fast and the other still manages to glue everything together but it’s not for long and the pain pierces through the body like a lightning strikes before it starts burning the wood, the core of the body until everything is on fire and we still keep kissing.

“The beauty of leaving comes with knowing that you’ll see each other again.” And Jamie smiles at me, lips a bit apart, the kiss barely broken. 

He saw me off, me being last as he showed up and the days had flashed far too fast, all of them ending faster than a shuffle and the parents saying that I should spend my last day with them discovering touristic London wasn’t even better and the hours were spiraling downwards, reminding me that I wouldn’t see Jamie again.
The fear is in both hands, the grenade in our hands, but no one pulls the rings, the ring is just subtly being put from hands to hands. I’m surprised we even kissed once, as I recall seeing him much older and my own fear taking over and I wonder how many times my past had been rewritten to make sure I had met him more than once and slept with him more than twice

I wonder.

Depression goes away one day or one hour, and one day it’s all ok. Just like that so do the others day approach with letters and fear and meeting again, the hair length shifted from one to another and you don’t feel more mature, you just feel in love again and all over from all sides as the awkward shuffle is done after the hug and the suitcases are lifted along with the weight of life to carry together as usual.

I’ve imagined as far too often holding hands, laughing as I kiss him.


It's weird I randomly picked it up and I felt on a roll. And I just couldn't stop. I think everyone has this soft spot for early Kills and I guess I like this AU where you get Blyth Power-esque Jamie with dreads xD and yeah, that was the last chapter. I had this odd mood where I was just picking up old stories and ending them as they were intended as they were all supposed to have this number of chapters. I should also stop dragging Stale Smoke In A Running Circle. There's a bunch of stories which I miss writing and I guess I've been awfully depressed with everything which causes me to write a lot and every day I'm faced with wondering if I post what the fuck do I actually post. Eveything is at least written halfway so yeah:3

and I'm surprised and happy at the feedback I've been getting, it's honestly very very touching and please never hesitate as frankly I've been depressed and anything just makes my day these days. 

I will really miss Fiji and originally it was supposed to be a one-shot, then two chapters and then it escalated because I enjoyed these two. But then, I dunno, I miss their chemistry awfully, but some couples are just not meant to be. I mean, like I might even ship Jamie and Brian more, but I don't see how they would work, but they're still one of my fave to ever write about. I'll have a new chapter of Tunnel of Love soon, it's written so yeah.

Ok, regarding Fiji.

I guess I should speak about writing endings in general, it's scary and my mind just goes, NO, JAMIE I KNOW THE ENDING AND WRITE IT DOWN and it's like walking down a corridor and you know you're reaching the light and there are no more turns, but the light is a good thing and I've been depressed that what if I do have that many ongoing stories at once? And then I started hectically picking up old stories and writing more of them or finishing like Close. I'll have the last chapter of Close up soon as well. 

It was supposed to stretch for a few more chapters but I had the clear image of the last day and I skipped, I never edit and write whatever pops in my mind. That's how it works solely so it's hard for me to give advice for any other techniques because I've been writing with this one for years and years and I have my own writing styles within it, I dunno how noticeable is it so yeah xD 

I'll never get over the fact that Alison was much shorter than Jamie xD it's so cute xD considering that Jamie is roughly my height and I'm not very tall. It's really weird, sometimes you might perceive yourself as tall and someone else seems short even at your same height. But all is known in comparison. 

I guess because I change my hair so often and dye it in the weirdest colours, my fingers always itch to change it if there's some change. Like I never thought I'd go to black after bleaching it for thee weirdest colours and now I'm bleached blonde. And there's the whole symbolism around the hair and I'd make a point many times to change dramatically after breaks (I know, I'm chatty today, but people seem to read this so xD) 

So I guess it was metaphorical that Jamie would want the change with Alison before she leaves. 

A lot of this was based after me and Callie met and we were leaving the camp thing and it was really sad, knowing that I would never see these people again ever but because me and Callie lived close we made a deal that she'd come visit me or I would visit her and saying goodbye (go laugh, we weren't a couple then, I was scared Callie was a player and last year I had made out with a bloke who blocked me on Facebook, I didn't want to risk, what the fuck, I know) was with this full feeling of knowing that we would meet again. And I used it for here. 

You always know you'll meet someone again if you love them and they love you back.

Also Callie pointed out that the parents dragging Alison more was a nice touch. It was just obvious parent behavior really, hang out with me, by the end of any trip everyone starts doing tug-o-war on you xD

I think I shall forever roll my eyes at everyone who thinks Jamie and Alison were always friends. Please. Stop xD Kenneth spilled it thankfully for all our souls, calm down xD

But then I'm not a friendship person, so yeah. I dunno, I just think it's stupid to believe that happens. It's always the lovers who you hold dear as friends of ex-lovers like in their case and even then they've grown apart which is weird and I guess a natural process these days, which is sad, but well, it happens. We're all left to fantasize about them. 

Oh God, I was anxious writing the last lines and I was like "fuck, I fucked up" and I kept writing and I wanted some smiling in the end, something too in your face because they were so yeah.

I really love them both a lot and they're amazing.

I hope you enjoyed this story and yeah, I guess this is the part where I'll point towards the donation box on the right. Don't forget all fiction/fanfiction is kept free for anyone to read and would be great if this place could run on some donations because I do dedicate a lot of time on this and I'd love to make a living from my writing and thank you



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