Blue/Jacket 5

“I’m Brazilian.” I just blink in confusion at the sudden information given to me as I just take a small sip. Jamie goes on. “As in, my...” 

He does inverted comas with his fingers. 

“Name technically is Jaime. But it’s fucked up so I just go by the English version.” I keep my awkward silence, as he keeps looking at me interested. I open my mouth. “You don’t have to, it’s your choice neither I think it’s polite to ask about genitals or whatever. I mean, I don’t get asked about my dick size, why should you get that asked... Name as well.” 

I just nod. Jamie taps his fingers against his coffee mug, before drumming against the cigarette box. 

“You feelin’ alright?”

“Yeah.” I order a second coffee and Jamie follows my example. I glance at him as he gets a cigarette and excuses himself, after I tell him to go ahead. The two coffees arrive, my own head fuzzy and at first I don’t look at him through the window, his coat widely opened as he first just smokes, watching the people and even lighting someone else’s cigarette and after that he glances at me, before smirking at our eye contact and he just mockingly heads up to the window and blows smoke at me. I just flip at him, smirking and he just stands there finishing the cigarette and it’s awkward to know that we have nowhere to lean, so he just discards the cigarette and heads back in, getting his coat off and we resume the awkwardness only with no window, Alex deep in my thoughts. Where does Alex fit in then, if I’ve got Jamie on my back? What do I even do if he were to kiss me and it feels weird knowing that I haven’t kissed anyone in a few years, my own lips only touching the cold air and wanting someone else’s. 

What about Alex? And I get anxious that I can’t get myself to knock on Alex’s door and I don’t think I will be, yet here I am with a Brazilian, drinking coffee as he presses his palm against my forehead and I’m still cold and he just ignores his own thinking by drinking more coffee. 

“Why did you move to Sweden?” I ask him.

“I... I was thinking to study, but never did.” He shrugs. “I just... gave up on education. When your university is on a strike and your parents want something out of you, which you can’t give, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. And I get a monthly allowance and will until I die, I just made it smaller to make it last. I don’t want to learn something I won’t need. I just want to live, I guess. I mean I live with Jack, like, not dating, or Alex. I watch them, I get inspired and that’s all I need. I think... when education is forced on you, not given and then you’re left not wanting it at all.”

Jamie smiles and for some reason drums against the mug, spacing out a bit before he focuses his green eyes on mine. 

“And I’m 27. I don’t feel like starting it, anyway.” He smirks and his silence just gives me a while to realize how much younger he looks for his age, as I thought we were the same age. We look at each other for a while, both a bit flushed from sudden attraction. Jamie motions towards me.

“...I just don’t want to go somewhere where I can be bullied for...” I pause. He knows, anyway. “For being trans. And I make a living, anyway, so...”

“Fair enough.” He sighs, a bit relived. “We don’t all end up in education. Ends up being far more harmful.”

Jamie tries to collect the right words.

“Education is very superficial, sometimes... well, I just feel like I missed on a club to...” He widens his eyes. “To be superficial for ever, y’know? But the thing is if something is exclusive, like me being gay wouldn’t fly there, why should I be there? But then I just got traumatized by one country, so maybe I’m too judging.”

“No...I don’t think so.” We both end our coffees as the same time, synchronized as I watch the older man. “All the realizations come anyway sooner or later. Not necessarily after a wank-”

Jamie smirks. 

“Or in a shower, sometimes it’s life, but yeah, usually it’s wanking.” I smirk, flushing at my own change of topic. I scratch my head, still feeling my stomach being swallowed by the bullet wound, as I recall reading by seeing it as a wound, period, I mean. We quickly order more and Jamie watches me, amused, his eyes far too soft- “I mean, I was wanking, just wondering and I kept picturing myself as a bloke and in that split second, before you start cleaning up after yourself-”

I watch him far too much.

“As daft as it is, you realize you’re a bloke and there’s nothing you can do about it. Then you start realizing how all the small changes build a bigger picture, like as if you’re going through some second puberty, only a smaller one, trying to get you back on track on what you’ve missed, like some consolation prize.” I grin, Jamie’s far too close and the cups are quietly placed, not interrupting our date but as soon as I turn, we both jerk closer and just move back, my face red, Jamie’s own thoughts far too scattered and bright, as we stare awkwardly at the liquid, knowing that it’s far too early to drink, also from each other. 

Jamie invites me to smoke with him, as the coffee cools down, as I stand watching him light the seventh cigarette today, as we both know

for whom, looking, we’ve traded our anxiety in. I feel like I’ve grown two anxieties all of a sudden, Alex would leave me breathless in the night as I would wonder and sigh, looking down at my tired chest, if he would ever-

Jamie and Jack know. Would they tell Alex?

“I think it’s a bit disappointing when you see that someone moved on from you, even if you moved on from them.” Jamie mutters, stirring the sugar slowly, watching how the milk still makes shapes. 

Depression enchants me, clutching me tighter and threading it’s dark fingers over me.

“It’s better than realizing that you think much more than a person whose just met you, when you’ve known them.” I say and I feel my bottom lip freeze and that’s when I feel Jamie’s eyes harden on me and I just take a gulp.

“Where do you know Al from?” Jealousy never goes away, we’ll always be jealous of those we loved. Because it’s the feeling which replaced eternity. I look at him a bit lost and I just sigh.

“I dreamt of him. Many many years. He’s the same. The jacket is the same.” My voice shakes. “His One For The Road jacket.”

“...He just bought it.” Jamie still says, as he looks at me with the same confusion and loss as he tries to grasp the whole meaning behind the words, the enigma which I happened to be and he just shrugs, taking a big gulp and looking ahead, before looking back. I did know Alex. 

I wonder how deep does Jamie’s love for Al run and if it’s the valves holding backflow or the walls themselves?

When I started freelancing it was when I realized that there is a huge world beyond 9 to 5 which you don’t get to see in school, because when you’re out you still think just everyone else is out. And seeing Jamie and Al just confirm it’s existence scares me lightly. 

“I’ve always dreamt of him, the way he looks now... He’s always there. I always thought he’d recognize me, because my dreams are so vivid and nothing seemed to add up in life and nothing still does after meeting him.” My heart is in my throat, besides the fact that I try not to think of him not to depress myself when I do tea in the morning, when I put on the binder, knowing that he’s just not interested just because the look in his eyes said so and Jamie’s confusion just confirms everything.

I have nothing to fiddle with in front of me physically or emotionally as well anymore. My thoughts seem to scatter, fear increasing and growing as Jamie just looks at me more confused before looking away and pulling his phone out. I watch him scroll to the top of the contact list-

“No!” I say and I nearly yank the phone out and he looks at me confused, my face flushed, I’m even losing points with him when I’ve lost Alex. He looks at me bewildered, I quickly glance at his lips, my feelings torn and hope deader than dead. I grab the sofa fabric under me, shaking my head. 

“Please don’t-” I stop breathing. 

“Al doesn’t know.” Jamie says and I realize what a mistake I’ve done telling someone who loves Alex deeper than I do and has all rights in doing so. I look down. 

“I-” I don’t know what to say, I feel my ears ringing and my period is making me weaker, cramps slowly making their way up my stomach and I feel as if I could vomit blood if I could, my breath shortening, I always thought I’d have a chance, because why else would you dream of a person so often? Jamie holds his silence and starts flipping his phone in his hands. He presses it against his lips, observing the bored barista scrubbing the coffee cups. “I’m sorry this is ridiculous and he’s your ex, it’s even worse that I’m telling you this.”

I press my face against my hands and I feel some shift and I expect a hand on my back but it takes a longer while and I’m sure he’s hesitating. 

“It’s...not. I mean, some coincidences happen and they hold some deeper meaning who knows why the fuck.” I hear his feet clash against the table leg and he shifts towards me. I feel his breath against my hands. I am scared to even put my hands down. He sighs and I feel him press his lips against my left hand and go back into his initial seating position. “Nothing makes sense until it unfolds. But it’s surely unfolding since you met him, so.”

I remove my hands from my face and I watch him, my face entirely flushed and he’s a bit flushed himself, but tries to calm himself down, fiddling with his short hair and I just look away. 

“Yeah, I guess.” I snap out of it. “Wait, you still don’t mind... me?”

Jamie tilts his head in confusion.

“I mean, you invited me out and-” Jamie nods, getting my daft question. 

“As long as you’re not with him and not cheating on anyone, I don’t give a fuck and I’m single so...” He sighs, shrugging with his shoulders, his voice darkening on the cheating bit. “Watch your back with Al, though. He cheated on me with one of my bestfriends a few years ago... y’know, when we broke up. I mean, if you guys ever date. He’s some fucked up shit...”

He opened his mouth to tell more, but closes it, watching my reaction. 

“Excuse me?” I blink. Al cheating? I try to absorb as much I can of Jamie to get any hints, but he remains silent. He just shrugs again, trying not to open the topic again, as I just watch him and drop it eventually until another question goes in my head. 

“Maybe he was polyamorous?” I suggest shyly, realizing the fine line between cheating and polyamory and Jamie just shakes his head and we’re taking too long in the coffee shop and Jamie motions to go outside and we just start putting on our coats and he helps me stand up, which I don’t seem to struggle much with, but brushing my fingers against his gives me much more food for thought. 

“No. He never wanted to pursue a relationship, it just happened... as he said. I’d rather not now, if you don’t mind. I mean, we’re not yet-” He glances at me and sighs, a small smile with the prospect and I just look away as we make our way out. I try to figure out properly where are we, but I just trust Jamie whose lived here for far more than I have. “Are you polyamorous?”

I shake my head.

“I don’t think so...” I pause. I should spill my secrets. “I never dated too many people. I tried girls.”

I scratch my head shyly.

“That didn’t work, realized it wasn’t my sexuality but rather my gender, well yeah and my sexuality.” I sigh, this is embarassing and I just can’t help but feel a bit wooed by Jamie, who watches me curiously. I pause and resume walking just slower, which makes Jamie even more curious. “I never slept with anyone, I had too much troubles figuring out what the fuck was going on with me.”

Jamie blinks.

“Oh.” I nod. “That it?”

I narrow my eyes, what the fuck.

“I thought you’d tell me you have some weird fetish.” 

“No?”

“Cool, coz I like choking. C’mon, walk faster, it’ll get cold that way.” He takes me under his arm and I just stare at him amused and I can’t get the image out of him having a chocking fetish. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Jamie just strolls with me, smiling at my reaction before laughing and the fact that he doesn’t deny it doesn’t seem to ease me as he holds my silence to continue laughing and leans in a bit closer before we both just look away

this is getting ridiculous

“This is getting ridiculous.” I say outloud and Jamie just lights another cigarette. 

“I know. Keep it that way, Miles. Amuse both of us.” He holds his gaze, lighting the cigarette and just turns around to make sure the smoke doesn’t go in my face and I look down, letting my smile take me as I see Jamie watch me from the corner of my eye.

-

I took quite a while writing this and I've been writing it in small portions as well. And I guess with the whole ruckus with homophobia and transphobia I guess I'm happy that I'm pushing this story forward and it's ridiculous that we're all writing about queer men and yeah, this shit happens. 

Anyway, I've always been excited about this story and I'm particularly excited and anxious about a certain scene which should happen soon as I haven't really written that and I haven't seen many (one from the top of my head) so yeah. I wonder if it's obvious.

Anyway, I've been musing on where this story is going, I know regarding the main lines, like Alex and Miles' line but everyone else's fate is still to be decided as this originally started off as a sole milex with no subplots and now it emerged with all of this xD

and yeah, it's funny to write things here which are already mentioned in Start Finding Passion, which is the prequel to Blue/Jacket. Like I don't even know if it's a spoiler regarding what Jamie says in this chapter? xD

I also I guess it's obvious that polyamory is underrepresented, so I'll really see here and bear in mind that I'm poly so I might make my characters more than open to that of course, but I'll see. So that's… spoilerish? I just think about this story a lot and it's funny walking around and thinking where could I stick any of them doing anything, really. 

I think I cover Brazil and Brazil's education and everything more in depth in Start Finding Passion, but it's also really covered here with Jamie, so yeah. 

I guess about this story what I like and what makes me a bit more vulnerable if you wish, is that I really show my dysphoria here and the little joys of like having your voice break lightly or shaving, things like that really make your day. 

And even if there is no Alex in this chapter, finally it's revealed to someone and the plot slowly starts unraveling. Originally I imagined Jack and Jamie in Alex's kitchen as Miles tells them, but I like the way things are going here. 

Dreams are a very odd thing and they predict things, a lot of things are unexplained why exactly they happen. Dreams are a very powerful thing and coincidences don't just happen. 

Ok, this feel enormous describing the backstory xD

I had to do this. I had to mention the fetish. It's been two years I've been writing this fucker and I never mentioned it. XD Anyway, so yeah, there it is xD

I dunno I really enjoy writing Jamie and Miles here even if they don't have the deep connection Alex and Miles have, but that has to slowly unravel, so in the meantime there's everything else and yeah, I love goofy Alex here. I bought some kefir which Alex drinks in the story xD haha, just random fact anyway 

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did:3

Keep checking every day for updates as I've written a bunch of chapters of everything so yeah:3 there should be a new chapter of Gandalf's Inhaler soon by the way:3

So yeah, tell me if you liked it and yeah, you're all cool and awesome and thank you for all your love and support

<3

Jamie