Monday, 30 December 2013

Only God Can Judge Ya

The question which reaches the mind is actually why not. What is holding me indeed? And the thing is nothing. Nothing is holding me and the thought has been in my head for far too long. Far too fucking long up to the point that when I apply lipstick my hand trembles when I think too much.

There really is nothing holding me.

I’ve done stuff which would’ve sent me to hell anyway and one step in a direction I’ve always wanted is just even too expected and predictable. And love is like a blown out candle, it’s there and you’ll feel it, it’s not that it won’t illuminate, it’s just that the light is on.
And maybe I walk around the house far too much blowing out all the candles I’ve lit before and I know it’s nowhere close to cigarette smoke which I’ve promised myself to drop and the last pack will be tucked far away under the matress, but it’s not, it’s still comfortably sitting on the desk until I don’t hold and I take one out, putting it in my mouth until I actually hear the doorbell.

It’s like a game of spin the bottle only it’s just the two of us and I know that I’ll land on your green eyes and you’re even worse in denying than I am. But I honestly don’t know who of us has let the thought go through and I just sit there for a while and instead I use the lighter on the candle, exhaling way too much and I actually walk down.

It’s not even that I don’t want to open the door, because I do and Kristen is there and she smells of the cigarettes I’ve said no to and left upstairs and soon enough she offers me one and I take it. I don’t think we can even have small talk, it’s all too sudden. But she still tries to ask me, after all it’s what she came for.

“He asked-”

“For the jacket, I know.” I say and I left it deliberately upstairs, maybe just to raise the spirit of her in the house. I don’t know. It’s not like I have a shrine of her anyway, it’s just that it occured to me as I had been drooling over maths homework that I do think about her too much and it’s not that she reminds me of her brother, but that her brother reminded me of her. Maybe she had been hurt by me choosing someone who is her, but a dick with a dick. 

It’s weird it’s a year where I thought I knew everything about myself but apparently I didn’t. It’s as if there is much more to discover and give away. I wonder who will even spin the bottle even if it’s just me and her in the room. It’s not that we haven’t talked, it’s sometimes just been us, we’ve never sat together, both of us drifting into different cliques and the closer it gets to May the weirder it gets, it’s as if the taste of departure is stronger than it will actually be in the last weeks. I don’t even know where she will be going, what she will be doing, she’s just the back of the head in English and then became Liam’s sister who would give me cigarettes as Liam would sleep and I’d run to the balcony, not giving a fuck who would know that we’ve fucked. 

It’s been quite a few months and everyone seemed to be content. But I guess that’s what’s it’s been, we weren’t even a picture perfect couple. Sure, we looked good, but he was too tall and would goof off too much and I’d have to listen and nod and agree, but I was happily content, just that I wouldn’t think that napping would make me think of his sister’s lips.

It’s an odd feeling, it’s like being stuck in glue but it’s still warm and it stretches too far. 

I come back and I hand her the jacket and she gives out a forced smile, I don’t think any side is happy about the break up, so it’s more than obvious. 

Maybe this is when I think what the fuck is stopping me. 

“Look, I-”

“No, it’s you and Liam, or rather you and not him. It’s actually a reason for both of you, that’s it and cool. I’m... not choosing sides. Both broke up. I just came to get the jacket, because he doesn’t want to see you.” She says and actually puts on the jacket which is also quite big for her. She leaves her hair tucked into the jacket. 

“Ah, well...” I pause. “Fair enough.”

“Yeah, exactly. It’s just a break up. Happens.” I think we’re both too silent. I bite my tongue and I think I’ve been drawing too many things in my head with neon crayons. It’s not even that I’m going for any of my friends it’s just some girl who would give me cigarettes and that’s it, of course I get told about her from Liam how she would cut out things from magazines and do collages and how she refused going to pursue art. There’s too many things, but all I’ve done is heard his love for her and maybe that’s where I inherit mine. I honestly don’t know. I don’t think I’ve even seen her in anything besides her flannel. I’ve seen her with other people, but it’s not like even living in the same city made us ever hang out or hold a grudge which would be the opposite, it’s maybe something I’ve got to discover about myself.

Maybe she knows it.

When you fall in love, you think the other person does as well and it becomes your excuse to do stupid things, she is turning to leave and I grab my own jacket, pulling on my creepers. She looks behind, a small smile playing on her lips.

“I need a ride.” She doesn’t even ask me where, she just knows I’m going somewhere her direction. 


I think the line which motivated the whole story was "it's a year where I thought I knew everything about myself but I didn't". It goes around that whole idea, discovering. It's been a weird year and it's odd that after all of it's twists and turns I am happy and gah, I've got to be optimistic and all should be good. I hope xD

So yeah. I'll be honest, I like them both but of course I've had my on and offs and I want them both to come out. No offense, both are gay. We're all gay, ok, all to some extent xD

Yes, this is a twisted High School AU where Liam Hemsworth and Kristen are siblings xD But I liked the whole idea of taking the theme of ending school. I wanted this piece to be a light romantic read really (for fuck's sake don't worry I'll have graphic sex scenes as usual xD I mean, I always do. Like seriously). 

Also around the feeling that you just wake up loving.

I know the title is cliche but I've been listening to We Can't Stop to get into the Miley mood and again, call me cliche I think it's her best and in general I've been drifting off but I do use religion as a big theme sometimes or undertone, so here it is once again. 

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request


Thursday, 26 December 2013

To Miles 22

I keep my mouth shut and they bring our milkshakes, I was so immersed in the thoughts of Miles, that I didn’t even notice Matt’s own choice of milkshake as he keeps making Lil’ Al do a can-can. I don’t think he cares as he takes a sip, still watching me and our eyes meet so I just lower to head against the table, my thoughts a clutter of unwanted memories and emotions. 

“You fucked him as well?” Matt pauses and chews on the straw. It’s a faint trace of jealousy which can easily be rubbed away with the back of the hand, but Matt never had much jealousy even if he’d see a girl he’s dating with someone else, he’d have a bit, but it was so minor that always made me wonder how much jealousy is stored inside, but for some reason that seemed to soothe me like some cough syrup, only I’m guessing it’s a short lived solution. But sometimes he’s easy to read, but not so often, sometimes when he’d daze off on the boat and before I’d wake him he’d smile and close his eyes and I’d trace that moment and I wished I had the guts to kiss him because I had honestly believed that if I would he’d kiss me back, maybe as a dream, but I didn’t think that as Matt.

I still don’t know where the courage had managed to reach me when we had been on that Valentine’s day with so many streamers that the place seemed to be a jungle and Matt had been dragging his cigarette too strongly and somehow we kept looking at each other and I had a horrid haircut, deciding to go shorter than usual and it had been nearly shaved with just a stripe. And I had grabbed his cigarette to which Matt paled and a smile had softly reached his lips before I kissed him, my own hands trembling and not even alert enough to understand that he was kissing me back, that our tongues had already managed to more than rub against each other and the cigarette was left to burn in my fingers. 

I look up at Matt’s eyes again.

He had kissed me back and the urge is like a seesaw coming back to me after all these years hidden in the same person. 

It’s sad that I only have one memory to cling onto and at the same time I’m happy that I’ve got at least one memory to cling onto, considering that we’ve both kissed each other and I just couldn’t stop myself, my mind not registering anything and desire pushing too far, blocking myself, giving me a permanent state of shock even now that his lips had mutually been on my own. 

My lips ache to feel that kiss again, but instead I just focus on my milkshake. The desire slowly dissolving all my senses, all my conscious thoughts and my awake state. 

“Yeah, um, we did.” I feel my lips a bit too cold now and Matt just smirks, but notices the sad tint in my voice and sighs, but doesn’t make any movements before a small smirk crosses his lips. 

“Is he a better fuck than I am?” He holds his laugh by biting his tongue and looking at me in the eye as I quickly look away, a bit hurt, the nudge far too painful because if I had the guts I would just stand up and sit on top of him, making out, pulling his shirt up.

“We never fucked, Matt.” I smirk and I try to hide the pain in my voice. I try to understand where the waitress went to order and that’s my small distraction from his smug smile. 

“Ok then what do you think?” Matt pauses. “Would I be a better fuck?”

“Not a chance. You’ve slept with too many women, you’re dazing off on the good sex scale.” I give that as a comeback and I take the straw in my hands, bending it far too many times wondering how many times has Matt’s heterosexuality bent a bit too far as he had made out with me. And I look at him in the eye, biting my bottom lip, he looks a bit taken back. Once he looks away I smirk and shrug with my shoulders. “See? Not queer enough.”

He chucks Lil’ Al’ at my head and I duck causing the bear to fly to the next empty table so I have to get him and I stick him back in Matt’s shirt as he just watches me with an amused look on his face and I realize that I’m too close and perhaps it’s not even a question of fear and I look around all my blood electrified and his lips at reach as I tuck the bear deeper, thankful that everything is empty and thoughts rush away from my head as I can even feel Matt’s breath against mine but I push myself away and Matt grabs my arm as recklessness is meant to happen and he pulls me closer, grabbing me by the shoulder and we are left an inch apart.

I’ve known every shade and emotion pass through those blue eyes and I’ve felt those lips.

Fear takes in the shape of my whole body, choking me before all reality collapses and all reason seems to leave, all future collapsing, all my body so light and open as my arms are around his neck and I don’t


how much can I hold, as he closes his eyes and kisses my cheek and there’s the split second which is the only divider between me and him and it happens again

another memory to be cherished as we both collapse, kissing and it’s different than before it’s not a shock again, it’s more of us colliding, a taste of the sudden change and the stir of the late summer as he pulls me closer, stroking my back and it’s... more like us. It’s not him hiding or me scared. 

I’m blushing feeling all my self kiss all of his and soon enough we pull back just to pull back in and actually kiss again, holding the lust behind and keeping it brief as I sit back to see the waitress emerge as we just sit silent for a few minutes and our eyes only meet once we get asked our orders and the light kiss still in place in the memory of my mouth. But fear is just a pawn here which had managed to make itself a dame.

Once she’s gone and back to the kitchen I don’t really know what to say besides lean a bit in and start destroying my bottom lip with my teeth as Matt sighs.

“Ok, I have.” He says and I just lean back, a bit confused and fidgety, wondering what the fuck and I glance at the door where the waitress left and then I look back at Matt.

“You have what?” I ask him still confused.

“Slept with a guy.” I keep my pause and Matt just laughs embarrassed and I don’t know what’s more shocking to me that his tongue was in my mouth or that he had allowed someone else to touch him, a bit of jealousy rises and I wonder why the fuck had I never gone on top of him, pinning him down like all those years in school I had been dying and we could’ve just fucked and none of this mess would’ve happened with Miles-


I try to brush him away but it’s as if he had pulled up a chair near us and is drinking coffee, watching me, ignoring Matt and listening the conversation just from my side. 

“What?” But that’s not even the right question. “When?”

Matt looks down and takes the bear out of his shirt hem and throws him a bit up in the air. then his eyes meet mine and for some reason I still see him as my closest friend and this is just like any conversation of him saying how he had gotten into close to a girl in her bedroom and I’d just listen, a bit bored by the details of how she had felt against his fingers and how soft had her breasts and lips been. 

Matt pushes the bear towards me and I push him back in a soccer manner as he keeps trying to find the right words. He scratches the back of his head and I ruffle all the men who I’ve known with him on carriers, but there’s too many who are even just gay on a boat. 

“...You remember Jack, he was a pilot.” I pale up. But Matt continues talking. “Well, he was gay and it was maybe a while before his death...”

Matt pauses again.

“Yeah, just a while and I wasn’t too close with him but he had asked me about you since well, everyone knows we hang out a lot. Well, he was queer and he asked me about you, how come...” Matt stops and I’m guessing he wants to keep some things to himself. “I wasn’t going for you or any guy really and well, you know, you just hook up really.”

And he swallows and the waitress brings the food and I think I oversalt my fries as I wait for her to bring everything, the milkshake refills and the pepper Matt had asked for and it’s weird knowing that a man I had a short fling with was indeed gay and it’s odd that he had been with both me and Matt with his life ending far earlier before ours and had known us both nude. 

I still wonder how was he really like and if he was my queer replacement for Matt as I just wished that he had been my neighbor, that I had fished with him that I had kissed him on that Valentine’s day that the first man I had touched with no regrets had been him, not scared of the mouth not being shut and knowing every single memory and school record of smoking. 

So how much was Jack Matt and how much was Matt Jack?

“But...had you known him?” I still ask and I think it’s only polite to ask about an old lover and I wonder how much will either I hold from asking about sex questions and how had they done it or if Matt himself will tell. For some odd reason it arouses me that he wouldn’t hopefully be as clueless and well, the fact that he’s done it already and I feel myself exhaling some very old gulp of air I’ve been holding ever since I’ve realized how much I had loved him. Matt just shakes his head and I can’t even eat, I just drink the milkshake letting the food go cold as I watch Matt playing with his own fries.

It’s odd.

I don’t think I’ve ever thought that the possibility of us fucking would ever be close. 

I do sit back and relax in the chair, not holding my wide smile as Matt just sighs, looking down and smiling to himself. But then he just breaks a fry in two. 

“But, Al...” I raise my brows at him. “What now?”

“What do you mean what now?” I laugh at him, my laugh sounding a bit broken and bitter. “What do you mean what now, I’ve been chasing after you for years, Matt. I fucking lov-”

“Al!” Matt interrupts me as the waitress is just heading back and I just put my knife and fork down. I wait for her to go back, studying her uniform with it’s light blue fabric until she leaves and I meet Matt’s eyes. 

“No, fuck off, Helders.” I actually point at him. Now I’ve got a lump in my throat. “I’ve known you since you ever even have a thought about women or girls. I fucking went through all of your shit girlfriends with their giggles, I’d cover up for you and you just played around, ok, amazing, the Valentine’s day kiss-”

“I meant it.”

“Well, thank you, now even that can’t be shrugged off to a foggy mind due to alcohol. That could’ve fucking been shrugged off. One time thing, but you fucking Jack and now making out with me. Fuck me, Helders, you’ve always loved me as well.” I say with my whole body shaking as the realization dawns on me and I just look down at my pants, biting my lip. The sudden bang came to me as I was talking and I look up to see him lost, confused and I’m sure he’s not as queer as I am, he had managed to sleep with women, find them amusing and actually like them. I despised them, I hated the fact that I had to be with one, not even for the sex but for all the sappiness, for all the moments when I’d be told to sit and be served things I could do myself and raise children, telling them how happy I’d be with their mother and I’d sneak out to the gay bars just to keep fucking other men and my wife would just smile it off, thinking that her apple pie’s crust is keeping me away and she’d go insane wondering why the fuck is Alex not doing his marriage duties and once she’d find out I’d be given to the devil already. 

“You’ve always loved me.” I repeat.

“Al.” He’s scared.

“No, you’ve always loved me. All those girls and Jack, fucking hell, what the fuck were you thinking?” My voice is shaking and there is this bittersweet happiness that perhaps that kiss back at Valentine’s day had been the most honest and open and vulnerable I’ve ever seen Matt and will ever see, but no

now I know him.

I don’t know how much he fancies other men or if he’ll ever find anyone else attractive or if he’ll ever try women again, but I know that he loves me, maybe even just as much and he’s-

Shit, he has right and the fear still spins in my body, what if I’ve gotten it all wrong, but he doesn’t deny it neither does he confirm it, making the spider spin stronger threats to choke me with and leave me dead cold in, not even to eat, just to discard or maybe scare other men off with. 

“Al... we’ll get kicked out of the navy.”

“Matt, you do realize how many gay men come and go.”

“Al, you’re kicking them off.”

“Exactly. I AM kicking them off, it’s ok for me to sleep around and for fuck’s sake, how the fuck did you think Miles is still on board?” I ask him, maybe showing the Miles card to get out some jealousy even if me and Miles had only had sex once and it still feels like losing half my body when I recall that he won’t even speak to me and the other part which is left of me is screaming for Matt to stay, not to leave me for me not to crumble. 

“So, you’re seeing him.” Matt says bitterly.

“No, but-”

“So are you?”

“...No.” I swallow. I don’t want to start this. “We broke up.” 

“There you go.” Matt snaps and he realizes that he might’ve been too harsh as I put the cutlery in the middle of the plate, not eating and I leave the damn bear behind as I stand up and he stands up as well, his hand reaching out for my arm and I just push it off. “Al.”

Not Miles, just don’t fucking talk to me about Miles and I can still see him whispering in my ear, how we had stayed up the night talking and how Julian had joined and all of a sudden I wish I had spent all this time with him and his stupid obsession with horse rides and desire to reach for the damn ring. 

“What?” I snap a bit too loudly and once we hear the door we just sit back and stick our mouth with fries, chewing, glaring at each other a bit too much as she asks us if we want anything else and once she’s gone Matt swallows and gives a smirk. I just roll my eyes back at him. 

“Your face.” He starts laughing and I see how anxious he is. 

“Yeah, well, fuck you too.” I don’t even look at him as I take a bite of my burger, feeling that it barely has any ketchup and it’s right next to Matt’s hand, so instead of asking I just stretch my hand out. Matt tries to make me look at him and I give up. Then he just sighs. 

“Ok, what do you want me to do?” But I keep my silence, smirking. 


This is indeed more of a Malex chapter than Milex, but as my gf said it, you still get a lot of insight of Alex's feelings towards both Matt and Miles. And gah, I was so anxious while I was writing this that when I was writing the kiss, I was like shit (I stopped with Al's arms around Matt's neck) and I just kept getting anxious because this was supposed to happen much much later on but in the end I am content as Matt still is confused and not sure where he should go with Al.

And of course one of the best scenes is "Fuck me, Helders, you've always loved me as well." Makes my heart swoon just as much, trust me xD 

And another character whose death I can't get over with is Jack and the full role of Jack will be revealed later and yeah, he's very metaphorical here. I guess heads up who guesses what Jack's role actually is in the story xD 

Another thing I had thought of Jack and Matt actually shagging before and I wasn't sure if I should go ahead, but it seemed more realistic for Matt to actually have hooked up with someone and in this case who is also attracted to Al and I pretty much love how everyone is intertwined here like literally everyone is, I even have those graphs (yes like the L Word one but for the love of fuck don't talk to me about it xD it was so so bad, but yeah, I've got a graph with who fucked who in the story xD) Also the mystery of Jack's sexuality is revealed xD

And there's a more accurate description of the Valentine's Day kiss here:3 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and any feedback would be amazing as you know I'm an anxious person xD 

So yeah, feel free to request and I hope you enjoyed it and ship Malex as much as I do :3


To Miles 23

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Man on the Moon

It’s hard to bottle up feelings and harder when candy canes are practically chewed on every corner and gingerbread companies compete with each other their ads yelling at you and stores yelling to stock up before they’ll leave you dry and everyone carries so much alcohol under their arms as if it will be forbidden once again.

The years pass and I even forget who I am, the questions about girls get fired aimlessly even Alexa chuckling at her own question and everything seems to be revolving around me being single, I’ve even forgotten I even had a liking towards anyone, sometimes the lyrics are pulled closer to just write something and love comes out, something so distant and faint yet it never goes past the subconsciousness.

It remains still up to the point that we’ve stopped calling each other, sure I see him and a pat is done on the back, but that’s all we’ve got music and he’s got that cheap gal from LA. It seems even offensive that he had chosen her over me, but I’ve managed to get over with it and I still regret flicking with the lights on the plane as Jay told me to fuck off as he had been reading Morrissey’s biography and I flipped him back, my mind far from at ease then and he had went to the toilet and something had flicked in me, I had been thinking about Alex far too much that I had just headed with Jay and I’m not blind or stupid, I knew he wouldn’t pull away and his hunger for my lips was more than evident as I had pushed him back in.

It had continued a few bizarre photos, my mind telling me this is what could’ve been with Al the cocktails, the bars, the bizarre sleep ins with pizza and bad comedy movies where we’d both yell out the lines.

But I didn’t love him, I think he realized it when I had pushed his hair back in an attempt and Jay just stood up and left. I just headed out, not even going towards food, just bought a block of cigarettes and headed back home to watch some football, not even caring who was playing.

Alex didn’t want me anymore.

And it wasn’t new, it was just shocking and every damn Christmas season it gets worse, it starts as a buzz in my head and then it just starts making my entire being null, strangling it and leaving it to hang, some bizarre shade of life and death.

Christmas was no different, only I had avoided everything besides putting Christmas lights around the Beatles’ portraits pretty much just to illuminate them and give myself some tacky festiveness.

It was Christmas morning and all I’ve done is smoke three cigarette in a row, not even turning on the television, I felt like the Grinch.

“Miles, where is the damn Christmas tree?” And a pause followed from the living room and I had frozen, lighter in hand, cigarette in the lips, the flame stupidly burning the air. The voice much softer yet drenched in cigarette smoke, entirely stained and soon enough the cigarette had fallen out of my lips as I had wondered when the fuck had I given Alex a pair of keys, where had the soft tint of America gone in his voice and why had he sounded younger, instead he does appear, shorter, hair messed and in a motherfucking Little Flames red shirt.

It’s a fucking Christmas portrait.

“Miles... man, you look like shit.” Alex rubs his eyes and I stare at his quiff long gone, arms not even close to muscular and much more evidence of acne. He starts walking around my room and his eyes drop to my iPhone, he’s hangover. I can’t say anything, my mind is playing tricks on me as there is a young Alex Turner in my room, probably still saying wank more than he should and if you look a month ago he’d have a fucking curfew.

He’s asleep.

He picks it up.

“What’s this... thing?” He smirks and I think that’s when he properly looks at me and my cropped hair, how I had aged much more than he is now... at 19?

“Miles... did you do a lot of cocaine last night?” And he is silent, looking at me and at the iPhone in his hands and then he drops it, backing a bit off and I don’t know what to say myself.


“I’m Miles, Alex.” My voice got deeper and this is a sick twist of fate, this is before we had even kissed each other, before I had pinned him against the wall, much before he had broken up with Alexa and walked into my embraces on Christmas, causing me to lose control, both of us flip at everything and fuck the entire night, drinking coffee just to fuck again, our minds going insane with desire and lust.

He had appeared and he had been running, hair all messed up and he appeared on my doorstep, coat all unbuttons undone a warm woolen sweater underneath and a wrapped box under his arm.

But this was something entirely different even I can’t remember how the fuck had I been at nineteen the front man of the monkeys already rummaging through my thoughts, causing full chaos and I had wanted him and here he is, some bizarre twist of fate.

Alex had last Christmas before he had walked in, he had taken out a ball of yarn, it had oddly been pink fading to purple and I didn’t even question his colour as he had asked to walk in and he had, running a hand through his hair, pressing himself against the wall, coughing lightly and I had noticed how much sweat had been running down his face, his knees bent a little but he had kept looking at me in the eye.

“Alexa broke up with me. I think I’ve had my thoughts...” Pause with a few heavy breaths. “Bottled up enough for too many years, Miles. I fucking love you.”

And he had thrown his coat on the floor, grabbing me by my chin and pressing his lips against mine, my shirt already gone, my mind buzzing, my hands already undoing the zipper on his pants, everything had been happening too soon, but Alex still had the yarn in his hand. We only stopped on the bed, him pinning me and fear and anxiety still riding me, I couldn’t reply.

I look now at the lost Alex who looks at me, scared and looking at the surroundings once more.

“W-” He tries to speak but soon enough he leaves the room and I wonder if he’ll stumble back into his time and I don’t even know if I even want him to leave me. I honestly don’t know. But he had walked back hugging himself and I wondered what the fuck should I do. “Miles.”

“Yes?” I say and I can’t help but look at him, this had been when I had fully understood that my love would never go away, but I was so so wrong. It would go away, Alex would fade light the spirit of Christmas and the belief in Santa. All of this would collapse.

He had stopped kissing me and looked me in the eye and the love was consuming, it had been overwhelming to know that such feelings even exist, it was like standing on the edge of the world, not even knowing what’s going on, what’s causing it yet it was there and it was somehow mine. The yarn was now in my hands as he had tugged on one end and tied one end on his finger and bit off to tie the other end around my own pinkie.

“We were always united, love. It’ll never break, sure let it lead us somewhere, opposite directions, let it drag us back, but... it’s there.”

“...Where are we?” Then Alex notices how the wrong question was asked and he keeps staring at my face, trying to catch what exactly is wrong or rather why have I aged. “I mean... obviously we’re in your flat.”

I don’t know what I look for in his lost dark brown eyes, how big they seem and how smaller he is, even just a bit. I recall the ball of yarn and I try to understand when had it been thrown around our fingers.

I freeze but I force myself out of the bed and I’m shirtless, the heating being pretty good as usual and I think he’s seen me in my underwear before, so I just try to shrug it off, standing up and I head to the wardrobe already grabbing a pair of jeans and a shirt as Alex just watches me. I should really reply but he keeps looking at me, oh so lost.

“Yeah, Al, this is my flat.” I don’t think either of us says the bizarre thought going on in our heads, but it’s happened. He’s here and I don’t know why, I don’t even know why the string of fate had broken so abruptly right after Christmas Alex had laid in bed and I knew he was going to leave and he had left with both of us yelling at each other, I’m surprised we hadn’t even ended up in a fight, because even now the fight and Al’s decision seem so absurd especially after the yarn speech and I had kept that ball, just finding out that it should’ve been red not pink.

“What year is this?” He asks me and I know eight years have passed and it feels odd, because I still can recall myself at age eight when eight seemed massive and twenty so far away.

“2013.” I say and I don’t look at him as he just stumbles and presses himself against the wall and I hear his footsteps and then he just walks towards me as I look at the mirror in the door of the wardrobe and honestly, Al, I don’t-

“I don’t know why you’re here.” I mutter, my mind spinning, the Christmas miracle becoming a disaster some sick trick when I’ve blown my candles and wished upon a star too much for Alex Turner, but I didn’t wish a young Al to stumble into my bedroom. And I look at him. I don’t even think he’s fallen for me yet

Maybe he still had to.

Maybe that’s when the yarn was discovered on our hands and when we had both seen it, when I had given the t-shirt, grinning, that Al had still liked our band and asked me how to play songs and holding the same fragile figure years later in that same shirt, feels nostalgic and an old love comes stumbling into my thoughts once again as Alex Turner.


This story went through so many changes before it was written, while it was getting written and even the title and yeah.

The initial idea I think might've come from a dream. I can't recall but it is a tribute to The Time Traveller's Wife (which has to be the worst love line and heterosexual one I've read) but I guess out of all the novels I get depressed that the plot hadn't been mine and I love the novel even if it had made me cringe so many times and I've read a good fanfiction a few years ago which was Radiohead and it was good. But no you won't really have Alex jumping around, sorry to spoil, but I guess just like Audrey Niffenegger had linked it inspired by an unstable relationship I guess this would be some bizarre coming back to an old lover. And I'm still highly fond of the book and I honestly love it even if it had horrid lines like (the baby feels your sperm O_o) and another thing I guess I can relate is how she had dyed her hair to match Claire (with my attempt at doing a quiff and how I'm pretty much fingerling over navy things lately xD). I've never seen the movie, pretty much scared of it. And in general I'm very critical of anything non-LGBT these days, but I shall forever love the plot and the idea of time jumping and etc.

Another tribute or nod would of course be the yarn on fate which I've read about so much, the yarn idea to use came to me as I've actually got a pink yarn ball as a Christmas Tree decoration and I had decided to use pink even if it's red. Back when I was in my early teens I surrounded myself by manga and the amount I've read is enormous and of course one of the best was Fruits Basket which had a mention to it as well and checking the wiki I noticed that of course fucking Ikuni has mentions of it in Mawaru Penguindrum the anime. I love Ikuhara and Revolutionary Girl Utena in general is a great anime and massive influence. I mean, nothing is more perfect, fuck, I even ship Touga and Utena so fucking hard. And trust me nothing gets in my way of shipping two lovely women xD In general it's a common myth but I guess I just decided to chuck in a few things I enjoy so yeah and it is fanfiction where pretty much you've got no limits.

Another reference is the title. I was checking on the articles on the red string of fate and I just kept looking forward to the Chineese mythology that the God had lived on the moon and I guess sleep came in and I had wanted to call the story Men on the Moon, but in reality it is the young Al who is kind of the matchmaker here, so pretty much he's the bizarre Man on the Moon. And it's an amazing R.E.M. song which I was obsessed with years ago as well (so many references from my early teens wow xD)

Anyway. The idea was that a young Alex would appear with Miles as his and Al's relationship is on the rocks or I was even thinking to put another event far much sooner, but it's postponed and will ache. Gf hates me for it and pokes me about it coz I will be going forward with it. So Miles as depressed wasn't planned and neither was the fact that he and Alex were nearly in no contact.

Also it was greyplaydough's birthday :O SO I AM SO SORRY AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEARIE!!! and she requested a Milex Christmas one shot and I had struggled for half of the day my mind entirely blank as I hadn't thought of doing one and I had decided well why doesn't this story happen at Christmas and originally a one-shot spin off was going to be from Alex's point of view when he came to Miles at Christmas but in the end I was itching to write chapter one and actually the first paragraph was from Al's point of view which was chucked into the story since the prologue I think will be told through out the story.

Also I hadn't intended the ending to be cheesy and I had wanted to keep Miles annoyed at Al, I mean he still is, but it's less and the whole OH MY GOD WHAT IF THEY DISCOVERED THE STRING THEN AND AND HJSDGCHJSDJC

so that was told because that is a lovely ending indeed.

And I know I write a lot about fetus Alex, maybe coz I'm 19 I dunno xD

I hope you enjoyed it and yes, I know, now I've got four Milex stories upon my shoulders xD Please feel free to request and I think I'll have Al and Miles' Christmas adventures up tomorrow and gah, I ship 19 Al x 27 Miles XD

And all feedback is welcome as I'm anxious if it's good or not xD


Friday, 20 December 2013

I Can't Wait7

Love intertwines, love bonds and love breaks.

I didn’t know if she wanted me to break the jar of feelings and let it shatter or write her a love letter instead.

The realization that she truly loves someone else scares me and now I can’t picture her face once I reach the bed, pulling the covers strictly over wishing I could put something to play and lull my thoughts, let me descend into some painful slumber which I can’t control but I will have the diazepam pill there, while here I’m naked. 

It keeps getting worse that I stalk his Facebook and I see his face and I wonder when will they be listed as dating, when she will dye her nails in front of him and I actually feel like putting both of us in a line, facing a mirror so that I can see what exactly I’m missing.

He starts getting me mad and seeing Alison is usually me staring outside at the window and she never bothers me and I never bother her. We don’t talk. All is trimmed and lost and forgotten. 

I keep getting asked if I’m okay as the candy cane and Christmas crackers season comes along and everyone has the same ones bought in Asda, some are even given around and some even use them indoors in classes as only a few days are left and the old council estates are long demolished, nearly all Polish businesses are gone from Gorgie and it fucking scares me. It feels like the whole city is whitewashed and I wonder what does my passport have that theirs doesn’t and if I’m so amazing with the blood flowing inside me, why can’t I have Alison?

It’s not even depression, it’s some bizarre strong form of self-loathing which battles inside me as the last few days continue and some assholes even hang mistletoes.

I can’t blame her.

I really can’t as I eat candy canes on the lesson and I walk around to bump into Meg again and I don’t know what’s even holding me anymore. Maybe I should, maybe it’s some twisted fate, maybe it’s always women who are older and she holds my gaze and she’s got candy canes sticking out of her bag.

Fuck it, everyone has motherfucking candy canes sticking out of their bags. 

With all the mistletoes I wonder if I will get a letter of recognition or I even think of Meg and how maybe I should drag her out somewhere, not that ever stopped me from Alison as she’d always head with me to the playground and tell me about all the vinyls she’d bought in her life, but now swings are like death to me. Something which I want to avoid until the end. 

I feel betrayed and I have no idea what to do really, everything is shit.

I can’t even walk up to anyone.

I wasn’t even aware I had to write someone a letter in Alison’s class to boost the damn Christmas spirit, so I get a big red envelope on my desk. Go away.

But I do look up and I don’t say that she’s shredded my soul instead I just open the envelope. Well, at least they weren’t pairing us boy-girl like in kindergarden. 

I see two tickets.

I don’t even know his damn name. But I do say thank you and proceed to read the back before the front, which causes him to rock on his heels, I’m sure he’s been watching me fall into self-hatred these past few weeks. Maybe Alison deliberately didn’t give me anyone. Maybe it was half-half, some give, some receive. 

It’s bizarre but one of the things which strike me is that they have sex and she’s enjoying it, I don’t know why, it gets to me, does he know how to even. It’s odd and I shake it away, nodding at the classmate whose name I won’t remember with his short haircut and brown eyes. 

Most likely she didn’t want me in it. The tickets are indeed blank I get to choose a movie with...

I look up. I honestly didn’t give a fuck. I should’ve. His hair is a regular cut, just emphasizing that we’re the same age only I try to look older so that I wouldn’t look into the mirror and think I’m Alison’s son. 

“Cheers.” I say again as I stick them back into the red envelope, it was a bit generous but then I see two girls give each other make up gift bags, so depends. I hesitate and I wonder if he realizes that I really don’t recall anyone’s names and Alison’s busy putting up the powerpoint. “...cheers.”

“Alex.” He says a bit peeved as I repeat cheers again.

“Right.” I don’t say I knew that. 


I'm sorry for the long wait I've had storage and a bunch of shite. Anyways, here it is :D it was a bit weird to come back to it after months of not writing it and originally Jack was s'posed to be with Meg here, but at the last moment I was like why don't I just drop Al here instead (coz he's pretty much shippable with anyone xD) and I wanted a bisexual character as I tend to have more homosexual or heterosexual or pansexual. And Jack's been dropping hints here and there, so here is Alex xD

I'm sorry but this is my second Jack/Alex so yeah. While I've got a few Meg/Jack and sorry but I do ship Alison/Jack a lot so yeah >.> 

And yeah. 

Pretty much was shocked to hear that Gorgie changed a lot, so of course I had to edit it considering where the story is set. I just really liked it the way it was, dunno, I don't think anyone has the fucking right to be racist and drive people out of the country just because their passports are different and frankly, I'm not imposing my views on anyone

I'm just being human.

And everyone else should too.

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request, the queue should be moving faster and if it's in the next 10 or so, keep checking as for instance this showed up before the current request, so please keep checking and ask me to write something faster if you really want me to, just pop even a small line saying you like it, that'll make my day and I should have it up soon then:) but still following the queue  just not as strictly as before :D


I Can't Wait8

Sunday, 15 December 2013

You're Not Coming Back Again 8

The fact that the world is scared of gay people scares me to no end and it had. I was slowly coming in terms with myself, I was still me, I am me, I just like men, specifically Alex and always have, but it had been hard to accept myself when I was alone with Al gone to women.

France was like a giant eraser, crossing out Alexa and she had taken it as boy time, I guess it was also when we didn’t hold and drank too much late in the night after we’d be breathless from fucking. I still don’t know how come we had managed to be so carefree up to the point that we had held hands outside, let James Ford take photos of us kissing which are well hidden and James’ promise to keep silent.

I don’t know what had dissolved in us and it had all started in the morning when I still wanted to sleep on and Al had headed out for the groceries and when I awoke he had already breakfast, for some reason a French newspaper and I just sat silently, still not used to the fact that he had decided to go forward with the project and just now when we had maybe slept once and that was it, but his eyes seemed soft and caring, something I was nearly sure I wanted to shove away, he had a girlfriend. But he was just there and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cross that line, but he just looked at me as I started cutting the waffles, holding myself together as he just walked to stand behind me and put his arms around me.

I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t say anything, I could just reply to his touch as he stroked my cheek with his fingers and then he leaned and tilted my head to match his and we had kissed, it wasn’t slow, it was because I had been holding for so long.

I loved him too much and it was a bizarre game of cards where we were both bluffing and not even raising the bet by much or skipping turns.

We didn’t even stop eating, we had headed to Alex’s bedroom and I remember how my whole body was beating fast, how everything had been pulsing as he had pressed me against the bed, I wonder how much weight had been lost between us as he kept frenching me, pressing me harder, removing my plain shirt, the jeans, the underwear and I felt a bit uncomfortable naked first, but my thought had vanished as he started trailing his tongue down my chest and my stomach and I was far too hard already, my eyes shut and a moan escaped my lips as he had taken me in his mouth, digging his nails into my hips, holding me down.


How long has it been?

How fucking long has it been?

I kept moaning at all his sucking, licking and stroking and he was still fully dressed from the outside, even in a leather jacket and it oddly turned me on, as he kept blowing me and trailing his fingers down my chest, pulling my nipple and I pulled him slightly by his hair to suck harder as I started thrusting into his mouth. Alex held me down even further, which caused me to swear and plead.

He drives me insane.

Alex slowed down on the sucking and looked at me in the eye and I just kept breathing hard. Fucker. He knew I wanted him bad.

He took me out of his mouth and damn Alex is grinning.

“What do you feel like?”

Is he serious?

“Fuck what?” I breathe.

Alex pulled me up and sucked on my tongue, I didn’t feel anything anymore, I was too turned on. I was very close to wanking myself.

“I want you on fours.” I blinked. I had still managed to blush lightly, unused and Alex just kept making out with me. We pulled back and I still managed to feel a bit dazed, but I turn around and I felt Alex trailing kisses down my back. I heard him taking off his own jeans finally and soon enough his underwear was discarded as well, but he kept the jacket on and I feel the leather sleeves brushing against my skin as he held me by hips with one hand as he positioned himself and I moaned, Alex finally going in and as he slowly started stroking me.

It’s far too torturous and I couldn’t stop moaning, as Alex went in and out and I started moving myself, too desperate for release. Alex leaned down pressing a kiss against my cheek, biting my neck, biting my neck and finally thrusting harder, Al himself moaning hard already as we both keep thrusting harder and harder

and Al came and I just followed, screaming, as Alex kept thrusting as we were still coming and then we just collapsed on the bed, Alex trailing kisses on my neck as I tried to catch my breath.

Arabella just wants to be carried around, so we take turns and in the end, we’ve still got Arielle in our heads and I wonder if I should continue the topic as Arabella seems to slowly start lulling off to sleep and I can’t help but look at Alex as he looks into the distance and I looked at his nearly gone quiff and I wonder what the fuck will happen anyway, which direction we would be heading now.

“If you break up with Arielle-” But he interrupts me and looks back at me and then at Arabella who is already back in her dreams and I wonder for a while, how will she be, and too many questions will only be answered in years. It’s odd how your mindset changes once you’ve got a baby in your hands who becomes yours and who might love you unconditionally. But then she’ll grow up knowing that I’m gay and Al, well, Al.

“I know. I’ll have the press on me as well.” And I wonder if his own fear of coming out was a factor as well or was it my parents all along? I try to keep the question to myself, but I raise it anyway, letting it take it’s turns.

“No, of course I was scared... but your parents sure... did a lot.” Alex speaks in pauses and I wonder if he stops to find better words, like he does sometimes and then corrects himself while looking at some blank spot, ruffling his thoughts to make sure he hasn’t missed anything. But here, it’s just like letting the cards you’ve been holding finally out.

I don’t know if I should ask him if he’ll come out as well now. I honestly don’t know. Thoughts are too tangled with old anxiety and fear.

He made me want to bath in turquoise to make me forget him, which is odd because it’s a colour, but it seemed to shatter me away, some glue to fix me and let me drown alone, not feeling, dead already, corpse just on the edges.

It’s a horrible rush of emotions which seems to paint over everything else.

I think I realized that I like Al by wanting him far too much, it was cutting down myself apart, I just fucking wanted him. It was a torturous walk until we had fucked that time, it was torturous looking at him, treasuring every locked eye moment and feeling as if it was the greatest thing ever until we’d hug and then kiss and then have sex, everything was an achievement, something so desperately longed.

I wondered if one day we’ll snap and we did.

I don’t know what to say to Alex now and it was just like in France when he had taken the acoustic guitar a bit later when we had hugged long enough in silence and I had fallen asleep to wake up with Alex kissing my cheek, just as I had opened my eyes and I remember how slow the wake up kiss was still surrounded by sleep and he was yanking me out, reminding me that we had fucked and he had just pulled me even closer, kissing my neck and I felt a bit too tired for a second round, so we just kept kissing for a good while, but I had still managed to shift on top of Al, feeling him get hard, but we didn’t do anything about it, just let ourselves stroke each other’s cheeks, play with the hair and then untangle to look at the ceiling with different old reliefs and I only saw flowers, wondering how come biblical themes didn’t manage to crawl their way in and remind me that I was going to hell.

It’s a very odd feeling when your parents don’t accept you, when you’re neglected and then you wonder what the fuck have you done wrong, what was so wrong about locking lips with another man?

And indeed what was wrong?

And with the laws, were we all doing the right thing or were we the sinners?

The thoughts when they had left me just dragged on and on in my head and I guess only fully ended when I had held Arabella first in my hands, shocked that soon enough the paperwork would be done and I was happy to see her biological mom just a bit hesitant and I was happy that there wasn’t a big issue and she seemed nice enough.

I guess the only thing which bothered me at night was that she’d still see her biological mother as her real family and not me and even looking at her, I wonder. I feel bad that I’m curious to see her grown up and I wonder what actual toys will she go for, I pretty much went for typical boy ones and I never struggled, but I never got the commotion just like many years at a family reunion there was a discussion if Dora should be watched by the sons, since Diego was available. I didn’t hold and asked what’s the big deal, but it was and mom snapped at me even if I had been already in my twenties and I was slowly making it.

We weren’t talking so I’m not aware how they had taken The Last Shadow Puppets, but they knew I was all over Alex, so I’m sure if they were a bit more bizarre they’d burn it and ask the priest to throw Holy Water over it to make sure it would never sin.

Alex had cooked the first few days and I had started to feel uncomfortable, but he kept doing it and he’d make sure to buy ingredients I wasn’t aware of how to cook, so I’d keep silent and realize that even if I were to cook, it would be shameful close to Alex’s cooking.

That’s why when Alex offers me to cook when I still hold Arabella in her sleep, holding her close, smiling at her fragile shape and I just hope she remains as peaceful later on, you just can’t avoid thinking of the child how will it actually be once it’s in your arms and every fucking sound makes you drop whatever you are doing and make sure she’s ok and you still fortune tell to yourself without the cards.

I had wondered what the fuck would happen if I do get my fortune told and once it was done and I wondered about it. And instead I had it told by one of my cousins who had gotten a fortune telling book and I wondered why the fuck did she even get one and I remember her shuffling and I was among her and her sister and they were just ordinary playing cards and then she started taking out things and the thing which had struck out was that I would have a man in my life, but we were too young to know properly and they just dismissed it as me having some close friend.

Then when I was in middle school I had a pack of cards and I bothered to remember that simple maneuver of doing so the shuffling and just pulling out a few cards and pretty much the jack of clubs had come up again as one of the cards and I just shuffled it back and it was gone, but the fact that I had gotten a man twice in my life in the few fortune telling really made me wonder, but no one has struck me out as much as Alex ever had.

Maybe that’s why I was so attached, maybe that’s why he was so attached. I honestly don’t know why we are so intertwined, why are we held so strictly in place, maybe it’s because of Arabella I honestly don’t know.

But in Paris I didn’t dare to raise anything and I wanted to keep not knowing what was going on, as if it had been a dream and I knew that something was wrong, but the dream was so blissful I couldn’t even dare to wake up or do any movements. I wanted it to keep going, Alex even telling us that we could cycle shirtless due to the weather and his leather jacket was long discarded but I had obviously preferred him shirtless and it didn’t really differ if he was dressed or not, I had wanted him just as much, we’d still have sex after making out, we’d wake up and have the other on top already biting the other’s neck.

I’m still surprised that among all the sex and loving we had managed to crawl outside, Alex reading novels outside in the parks as I’d just observe other people and I wondered how many of them would be gay, how many wouldn’t and on the next few days I had actually bothered to bring the guitar with me as Alex would keep reading and I was too scared to bother him and my playing would always cause a smile and a few looks as he’d read.

I wondered if I should walk around, but once I stand up I’d have Alex break the exchange with his book and he’d look at me and I’d never leave, I never do leave, he was always the one, even when I had discarded everything and life seemed like a never ending suicide, I kept feeling as if I was falling deeper and deeper into the lake, but I had managed to breathe.

Just like you can wake up from depression you can just fall back into depression over the night, it would happen when I would pull the covers over me and I would know he’s gone and I’d keep thinking that he’ll be gone, Alexa or Arielle, didn’t matter I’d stay depressed and of course when I was getting the papers and finding out how to adopt a child, how to get the statements, what I needed, I had thought what if I’d be depressed again, what if I’d become anxious, what if I wouldn’t feed the child, but the longer the process took the more I feel stimulated and frankly when something good happens in depression, something really good you do realize maybe not all is too bad and you wake up,

sure your legs are still asleep,

but fuck, you’re awake.

“What are you going to tell Arielle?” I ask Alex, gently rocking Arabella after resting my arms and he shifts a bit and I know that in this situation I’m nearly sure he’d want a cigarette and he’d smoke one, but instead he holds, crossing his arms and legs, closing his eyes and leaning deeper into the couch, avoiding the Beatles pillows and I just keep looking at him until he opens both eyes.

“Well, I have to tell the truth.” He says a bit too flat, trying to forget how Alexa was, it feels horrid for me to tell that it surely matters less as of course I didn’t get along with her and I’ms till surprised how Alexa still clings to me on events and calls me her friends, it’s as if she knows that I’m not with Alex and I never tell her that unlike her I make him come and he fucking wants me and loves me unlike her, that I was there all along and she’s the same as an old fake tanned high school girlfriend, but I never say that and we always get photoed together and I see it later in the press and sometimes I even avoid looking, unless there’s Alex and I get to see him through the eyes of many an attractive talented musician who seems to fuck groupies and keeps them for years. Someone who has “trophy” girlfriends, those girls who will be plastered on the walls for being skinny but will always have some bitter to their sweet smiles that makes you want to avoid them like the girls who every guy wanted in school.

It’s funny about school how everyone thinks it’s huge but once you’re out you want to forget so badly, I knew Al and only in the last year I knew that I was gay, I wanted him, I started touching myself to him and the attraction was entirely different, I wanted to pin him, I could spend hours thinking of how I had wanted him, how I wondered how he tasted and I would wonder how could I feast my mind with all the heterosexuality surrounding, I didn’t even properly know how would it feel, how was everything done as blokes would only talk about vaginas and tits and I’d just nod, wondering where the fuck would this information even help me.

Well, maybe giving Sex Ed to Arabella. Yeah, many years later and I’m sure, jealously, that Alex would explain it much better than I would.

It’s a bizarre thought, when you’re raised that girls shouldn’t have sex and not thinking of them, that Arabella will have a sexual relationship eventually, love crossed my mind, but not all of it, I don’t even know if the gender I’m presuming is hers and how will she feel about her name or if she will ever want to bond with anyone.

The thing about depression they don’t tell you that it’s ok, that everyone has been at the depth of the lake, that everyone had wanted to be alone and turned off the mobile, wondering what the fuck would the others think and thank once you’re dead. That it’s ok to look at a random belt and wonder if you can hang yourself with it or if you can drown yourself in a bathtub.

You don’t get told that everything is ok, that everything you’ve done is ok and when I grew up suicidal was like a murder that it would stay on your face like a tattoo and that you’d never see the light of the day, that all would be gone.

But then the world tells you that it’s not okay to be gay, that you should be killed, that you’re the sinner and now Russian actors are saying how I should be burnt and I wonder if I will make it to the mouths, a singer who had adopted and how if it was Russia it would be forbidden, but the thing is, the UK sure, we’ve got the laws, but we are far from tolerant if you’ll dig well enough you’ll find stories just as tragic, maybe not as violent and ending in death, but they’ll surely end up in suicide murder and bigotry. We surround ourselves in the white man’s myth, that we accept and we are the best that we believe in Cameron and that all is lovely, that we’ve got tea and we’ve got the lovely cabs everywhere and we allow people to praise Thatcher.

Those who rule say they like gay people that they know them, but just because I know my parents that will never fucking mean that I like them and proving my theory I’s ban their way of thinking, which is again wrapped tightly in the myth.

But when you fortune tell there’s no myth and when you let your fate play.

“You do realize that-”

“I’ll come out.”


This was such a pain to write by the end, because I was like, no word war must… cary on XD and yeah, I got a bit depressed during it and I dislike the bits where I'm anxious and I started rambling about Thatcher and everyone (which are the bits my gf loved a lot) but I liked the depression bit, so yeah. It was done in three attempts, yesterday which had the sex scene, a bit in the train and then during the word war with afffectiontorent (who is cool and has dfchgsdcfgsdhcf stories :O) and a bit before :O

Anyway, let's go one by one.

I really really wanted to write "the" sex scene to You're So Dark, but yeah I didn't have leather collars or anything and during a conversation with blindkites basically the leather jacket idea was mentioned by her and I was like HGEFHJDSGHCJGDSC let me use that so I kept wondering where would I use the whole "down on all fours" and a big chunk which I didn't touch in this story had been France and it seemed ideal (and funny coz France is pretty much THE Milex setting which I've never properly touched, so yeah xD) and I had wondered if to do it Gandalf's Inhaler (which always causes me to giggle stupidly at Miles' reactions in my head, but I'll keep quiet on that one, since well now everyone knows about Al, so yeah)

I dunno I like writing sex scenes, so yeah, my stuff is explicit (and no wonder I'm tagged as NSFW in tumblr xD) so yeah.

Ok, about fortune telling I used to like fortune telling a lot when I was a kid, like a lot and I'd fortune tell, get fortune told and etc and I dunno like once I was fortune telling and I got like that I'll have a brown haired woman in the future and I was like wtf is this, fuck it and tried again. I think I've gotten it twice in my life? Haha, no avoiding xD Anyway, so I've given that to Miles here:) So yeah, I like that bit.

I dunno sometimes I enjoy ramblings, sometimes I don't, gf liked them so… yeah. But then like I hate the confession scene in Gandalf's Inhaler but everyone likes it, so yeah:) like one of the favourite scenes I've ever written in Milex fanfiction is Miles' suicide attempt in this story so yeah.

I hope you enjoyed it and I hope this update was worth all the wait:3 and yes, Arabella (unofficial name xD) IS BACK :O

Feel free to request and thank you


Friday, 13 December 2013


The sexuality has always been kicking in, even before I had thought of it myself, it was the way of just telling you once your lips clash against someone else’s, my eyes were heavily shut during the thought, the hadn’t trying not to linger off to my lips as Miles had shrugged it off, saying that I was straight and it was ok and I wondered what had I been doing among his gay friends, why had I always bothered and I sit there sipping beer, why had I always bothered and I hear them and wonder-

And I’d get ask by my mom why had I always hung around the gay guy, did I want other people to assume that I am gay?

Is that what I had wanted?

I’ve always hung around as Miles’ friend and then to his friends and all had known me, first the rumors started off, but I seemed to be uninterested in everyone, some small spite, until he had kissed me. It was odd and letting the kiss later on run through me as everyone had left and I was staying over at Miles’, his parents are only calm with the fact that he won’t date me and his reply was damn Al never looked twice at me. 

So it was even up to the point that we’d be in the same bed and he’d curl up and I’d sigh, patting him on the head until he’d mumble something in his sleep, flip sleepily and turn around. 

And it was then when I had walked out, pretty cold and grabbing Miles’ leather jacket which had been much warmer and cooler looking than my own that I had walked out, it had been like moment when I was asked if I wanted to go join everyone in church and the car had broken down, it’s the small moments, when you realize something is just not meant to happen and maybe it had been sleep that day. Or night.

It was early, it was back when we were in high school and Miles had made both of us fake IDs to sneak us both into gay clubs which would involve us getting buckets and Miles dancing to the Pet Shop Boys as I’d just wonder what other stupid game can I download to kill time before Miles would fail to get laid and we’d get the fuck out. I see no point in kicking the underage out of such premises, I mean, I guess where else can you be surrounded by gay men and not get laid? In school you’re surrounded by fuckers who’ll beat you up if they hear a rumor about you being gay.

And they had beaten him up too, maybe that’s how I had recognized him, only his hairstyle was different and he was nowhere near my classes, but maybe if he was he just slacked off too much.

Maybe it was that damn feeling when you walk in, when Miles tries to interpretate dreams or tells me that the dead animals I’ve been seeing mean something, maybe it was just his eyes or the fact that I managed to get close to the stage, as everyone else was focused on the girl who had long hair and was screaming into the microphone, dancing around, bending with every note and he just stood there, sometimes dancing himself or approaching her and I kept watching him, his irrational guitar playing, mine was rubbish and so was his

but it had something.

Something which I don’t think I’ll ever see or maybe he’ll chuck it out, later, but he was playing it and I was there in Miles’ leather jacket, other than that plain clothes, sort of new Vans and he was staring at me and I felt different. 

I watched the whole set, my mobile long tucked somewhere at Miles’ and I just

I waited and I felt even more bizarre as I had waited for him outside, he was surely of age, something me and Miles were still to be and I wasn’t really a smoke to do so, so I could only zip the jacket entirely and wonder if I should have bought some cheap beer and walked outside. First the girl walked out, waved at me and I just wanted to ask her when he’d be out, but I didn’t know his name.

“Oh, hold on, Jamie should be out soon.” And she headed off, humming something to herself. Maybe she thought that I was a groupie. I was the only standing here and then the old door flung open and he stepped out. It didn’t even take a second until he noticed me and took the cigarette which was dangling out of his mouth out, putting it behind his ear.

“Oi, I’ve seen you in college.” I blink. 

“What?” I do manage to speak and I think I’ve got a bizarre smile playing upon my lips. Jamie searches for his lighter.

“Yeah, you’re Miles’ friend, aren’t you?” I hope Miles’ friend isn’t a code name for friends of Dorothy, I really do. Jamie seems amused by my lack of excitement and puts his arm around my shoulders, now lightening his cigarette slowly and avoiding my gaze until he’s fully sure that I’m watching him and when he knows I am, he leans closer to me, taking a few strands off my eyes and I’m frozen


And he kisses me softly.

It’s too fast and I kissed back, my whole body gone and I don’t even recall that we had went onto the street and I wondered where were we, it had been foggy and I had longed for his lips, but he had remained silent.

“I can drop you off at Miles’.”

“That’s actually where I’m staying.” I manage to reply. 

“But you two aren’t fucking?” Jamie smirks and we keep walking and the houses look the same, the only thing different is all my body which is shivering and the arm around my shoulders and the fact that I had just kissed another bloke, it wasn’t even about kissing another bloke, it had been in my dreams, people were in my dreams, but I was never attracted to them neither had I seen them get beat up in the canteen and had the college do shite about it. The only reply had been that it happened and should be forgotten. 

I look at him, bruises long gone. 


“But he’s fucking Ezra.”

“Is he?”

“Well, if he didn’t tell you he surely wants to bend you over.” Jamie smirked. “Can’t blame ‘im.”

I try to shrug it off and I keep looking at the houses, which I’m sure amuses him until we reach the house and only when he leaves I realize that I didn’t tell him anything about his charisma on stage, his music or the kiss, that all had been left for him to take with today’s night, fog and thoughts. 


Well, I'll be honest I've been dying to do something with Hince specifically Al/Hince because I ship them, dunno, I just do xD haha the whole idea came to me back in August when I wanted to basically do a properly written role play and my gf was the only one up for it and I remember we stayed up many nights writing it and I was basically writing paragraph after paragraph on Al's backstory to Jamie and it was huge and I always had the thought of publishing those, but gf kept poking for me to write the whole thing as I had thought of all of it and kept pretty much saying that if Jamie does that then that and that will happen (I'm horrid when it comes to co-writing I guess >.>) (but if anyone is ever up for a role-play I'm happy to :D honest, I'm a nice role-player it's just that it was when I was a bit shy to write more Alex stories and I was pretty much in a shit situation so it was my way to get back into writing and soon enough You're Not Coming Back Again was born :) ) 

and the idea was left with me, but the story has a very changed version of it, I was thinking of something else initially, so it changed but the idea still remains and yeah, pretty much in the other version Al didn't meet Jamie backstage and it had been after a 2006 concert. And I guess the rest should be silent, as spoilers.

I know this was supposed to be request 11, so I'll take that down and forgive me, I just really felt like writing it >.>

Specific scenes, I think we've all had the don't hang around x child people will think you are also x. -.-

And how Jamie recognizes Al from the canteen was something which happened to me, I got pointed out that they remembered me by seeing me in the canteen months and months ago when I had blonde hair O_o (when I had been months with black xD) so it was nice and odd xD but yeah, Miles' friend was the twist to it here haha xD

And no Gay Bar doesn't have Pet Shop Boys, at least the ones I've been to and you pretty much always sign along to New York City Boy or Go West >.> so yeah. 

I will explain the title later on in the story :) and yeah, the story should have two parts, but I dunno how long it'll be honestly xD

Oh and this is a first where Alex and Miles aren't fucking and won't O_o which is weird and I find Miles/Ezra ironic considering that in GI they are like rivals xD 

anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request the next chapter, as it's not Milex it will be put in the queue but as you can see everything is a bit chaotic so it might queue jump again, so tell me how much you liked it and I'll write more haha xD