To Miles 18

Cleaning the guns isn’t too much of a pain and is pretty much usual, only I have to nag to Carlos to do his share too, but he tries to bet it out of me by offering a game of poker and I just flip at him, handing over the mop and I pretty much take a cigarette break as I watch Miles and Pete do the same and it’s a bit of a walk to Jules and Carl. I hang out around Juju who seems to be interested in what is happening around, how a bunch of other sailors are cleaning the decks and he wonders from who can he bum a cigarette, so I offer him mine and he puts an arm around my shoulders as Miles approaches us, still confused and trying to shove away many thoughts, but Jules pulls me closer and I stay that way, looking away.

Shit.

I’m sure he’s thinking we had fucked, but I don’t want him away and the fact that Hince obviously knows that he’s gay makes everything much worse to handle, so I just sigh and try to avoid him, as I observe Carl and most likely I’ll just have to catch them fucking. 

Jules and Miles are left to finish cleaning the guns as Carlos tries to trail with me, but in the end I shoo him off, lying that I’m not too social and he goes back to pester Jules, as I end up waiting on the bunks for an idea to come. In theory it would be a good time for them to fuck, as half is cleaning, half isn’t.

My day is spent pretty much looking at when Carl is smoking and when he and Pete head to their bunks just to grab some cigarettes and some point Carl looks at me, while smoking, but he shrugs off everything he has in his mind.

Eating is spent pretty dull until I realize who is missing, so I have to eat the said pumpkin faster to pretty much check every storage room and yank the doors open even if they are shut only to imagine a pleased Hince in my mind and once I do, I have his smell in my head and his lips and his harsh strokes which send me shivers, but I don’t find them, even in the turrets. I’ve even checked the orlop three times and I head up to the bridge just to see Hince’s door open, which is bizarre, but walking in seems like a horrid trap so I just walk back down to see them in the canteen and I wonder where would their place be. Maybe it had been one of the cubicles, something far too simple and I wonder, what if they’re not gay.

So I just join for tea again, watching them and wondering where would they usually fuck, where had they found a quiet place, but with Hince swinging both ways as well, I honestly don’t wonder how come they hadn’t slipped, but then it’s a matter of Hince’s taste and my next question is simply how he chooses who to keep and how come Miles is one of the ones to go?

I just shove Miles and his looks towards me and Julian far away and I’m in a weird state of mind, where my feeling can be forgotten unless I look into his eyes, so they are a bit too easy to avoid as I keep shaking, wondering how the fuck do I get them and how much proof is enough proof? Or do I need to call Hince and say, hey, the two loaders are fucking? 

I remind myself that I am still at the age where sometimes I wish I was someone else, sometimes I’d wish I just had an average family and maybe I should even let myself go with a woman, that I should just have children and a boring job on shore and frankly catching Pete and Carl makes me wonder why didn’t I do it, why all of a sudden it matters so much to me who do I fuck, but it does

nothing is wrong with it

society has an issue with it, the problem is no matter if you speak up or not, society won’t care, it’s wrong and you’re wrong if you’re gay even if you’re not hurting anyone, we’re the sinners, the criminals while dysfunctional relationships are ok and a woman is a man’s property. Maybe that’s the problem, that we don’t belong to each other, we both exist, we are each other’s, but not something to toy around. 

I wonder if I can ask Julian, but my day ends up either me being on the bunk and I try to scribble another letter to Matt and I actually think for a while, wondering how can I tell him thatI had gotten the position in the end, that it was mine and I just wrote to him, thatI had gotten the position which he had thought I would, a gunner, I write the word a bit differently and I hope he’ll pick up on it and I stash it back into the locker, but then I take it out, I scribble a few other things, tell him I miss him and I want to write a cheeky love, but I don’t and I just sign with my name and I head to the small box to post it (well, leave it there pretty much so that it won’t pester my mind). 

In the end I wait for the night, knowing that they are gone and I feel like a muderer and I wonder why the fuck am I doing this and why had I even the guts to slightly stroke Miles’ hair off his forehead as he slept. 

It strikes me as painfully obvious as the cubicle is closed and my shoulders are shaking. I curse at them. I wonder if I should knock or if I should just-

I peek down, I do see two pairs of feet. I start breathing heavier and Miles’ face is no longer comforting. I keep staring at the feet, wondering how daft can you be and why aren’t they at the hideout. I press my ear against the door and I realize how stupid it is, but eventually I just head out, shaking as I head towards the bridge and it doesn’t take long for me to give in the two men in love. I don’t even know if they had been dating, frankly I don’t even know if it is them in the end. 

I don’t know what will happen.

What if it’s Julian and Albert. All I know is that it isn’t Miles and at this state it’s the only man I care about and I feel selfish, just because we’re fucking and we’re on the love word in our lips, he’s the one who gets rescued. 

I knock on Hince’s door and he just seems pleased with a half smoked cigarette, but he doesn’t seem too amused as he drags his Chekhov book with him, even flipping through a few pages forward, telling that he doesn’t like the short story Chameleon and I just shrug, which causes an amused smirk from the Captain. I excuse myself and I want to head back to the bunk, but instead Hince whispers in my ear to head back to his and I feel him stroke my arm and it sends the wrong shivers and I just nod with a dull ‘sir’ at the end and I leave. I don’t even know will it be.

I stay for a while and then I hear footsteps and I’m a scared animal all of a sudden, as I see a sleepy Miles and he quickly kisses me on the lips and tries to make a turn to the bathroom, but instead I grab him by his shoulders.

“What, love?” He asks me softly with a yawn and slowly starts to register my shaking. Miles wakes up all of a sudden. “What is it, Al? Fucking hell, Alex you’re pale.”

And that’s when Hince walks out victoriously smoking a cigarette. Miles shifts his attention to him and then Pete and Carl walk out and I’m sure they look worse than all of us. Carl has his hand around Pete’s shoulders, there is no point in hiding anymore and I feel like I’m back in school and I have reported someone who had been smoking, but I’ve avoided telling about myself and Matt who would bum a few cigarettes from our fathers just to kill time on the breaks and for me it was something else to concentrate other than his eyes. 

They both put their clothes on in a hurry and I wonder in what stage had Hince found them. The Captain’s smirk reaches his eyes and he looks at Miles.

“I guess you’re not the only queer one here, Kane.” And he glances at me, not leaving his gaze on to me for too long. He turns around to see both found men. I don’t think I’m alive anymore, my mouth is dry, my whole body heavy, yet my head light and there’s Miles besides me who is just staring at everything shocked

we’ve all been shot.

I can’t look at Pete and Carl, as Hince separates them, making sure both of them go by one of his sides and I wonder if he’s aware of the fact that they can kick him or something, their sentence is upon them already and I don’t say anything to them even if I know that I’ll never see them again. As they walk away, Carl just looks back and nods at Miles, muttering something inaudible, as Pete’s head is just lowered and I wonder if he’s crying already or if the tears won’t be able to reach his broken state. 

I just glance back at Miles who watches them until they head up.

I don’t dare to look at him in the eye though and I am just surprised to feel him pull me into a hug and I just wonder if I had to follow Hince as he clings onto me and I feel him start shaking and my mind stops registering things, all I do is pull his lips up to me by his chin and I kiss him, holding the kiss, feeling the end far too near.

We start kissing and I feel like I’m already slipping on ice and I even let Matt wander in my thoughts, I let Julian collapse in as well and they’re all watching us and every single boy I’ve ever kissed and Paul is there too and I wonder if I had a gun to my head, would I nod, asking to proceed, but the gun is shot anyway and there is no blood stain, just some dried saliva in my mouth as I stand up to see the person with the gun long gone.

I lean back.

Miles doesn’t look at me either, instead he grabs my shoulder with his hand, clutching it, as pain starts to ride, but I just ignore it.

I don’t think it takes him long to understand, we were taken on this job for fast forward thinking, predicting and frankly, he’s been here longer than I have.

He doesn’t shove me, instead he just looks down and rubs his lips off any traces mine could’ve left.

I don’t call his name, neither does he.

“You-” I nod. I nod again.

Miles doesn’t even look hurt anymore and he just turns towards the wall and presses his forehead against it.

We know.

He keeps his silence and I decide to break it by heading into the said bathroom and I lock myself in it, thankful that I have a pack of cigarettes. I sit on the toilet and I light two cigarettes for some reason and I smoke one, as I watch the other burn, but it doesn’t take too long as the first is long gone before I even blinked.

And all this time I was waiting for Miles to go and comfort me and even when I was a child, my parents would punish me with silence, never to tell me what had I done wrong and after I had brought Paul home for a short trip, they treated me with silence, but bringing Matt for a mere sleepover caused them to smile again and I never knew what they had been irritated at me for.

I don’t know why I think of Matt all of a sudden, I start crying, hitting my fist against the damn cubicle wall and I don’t even care when people come in, I could just be having a bad dream and I keep smoking until all of the cigarettes are gone and I slip back into the bunk, too scared to touch Miles and I glance before the door is closed that Pete and Carl are gone.

They’re gone.

It’s just me, Miles (who will never talk to me again), Carlos and poor Juju.

I wonder if he’ll tell the rest and the thought doesn’t work as lullaby and it is as gross as licorice, it’s like a box of licorice and Hince seems to like licorice and I feel like buying him a box and watching him eat eat while reading some other Russian classic I’d forgotten about and maybe he’ll have a stash of wine as well.

I wonder if he will congratulate me, I wonder if he will take me again, if I will have to press my lips against his old again. I wonder if he gets a kick out of calling me son.

I wonder 

I miss Matt, he seemed eager about this job, but then maybe that’s because he’s not gay.

Matt’s not gay and that causes me to cry again, to sob and I hear Juju shift to check on me, but Miles hisses at him to keep quiet and that just makes it worse, all my threads are falling appart and I want a shower, I want to turn on the water as hot as possible to soak myself in, I want it to drown me

I want it to take me

take me somewhere.

I had told Miles I loved him.

He told me he loved me.

Then why is he not with me?

Maybe that’s why we don’t give out vows, because we won’t be able to hold them and I’ve still got that dream in my head of us dressed and the silhouettes,

the silhouettes have taken me indeed. 

I bawl. 

It gets worse by the night and I don’t sleep, I wake up from my own sobbing and I wonder how much hissing Miles had to do to keep other men away from me. But I don’t care.

I want him.

Or Matt with his women flinging around their clothes and I’d have to ask him why the fuck, maybe now I’ll have the courage to ask him

why is it never me

when I know you so well

and I’ve traced the inside of your mouth with my tongue

and I fucking want you more than any woman ever has or you have. Unless you want me, which I hope is just as much. 

-

I think this is one of the most heart shattering moments in the story and I've planned Pete and Carl to get departed so long ago, that well… it happened and I pretty much was writing the whole thing knowing what will happen to them as Pete made his first appearance. I'm sad that I didn't show a lot of affection between them, but then they'd really try not to get caught and it makes me sad. It really does and there's more to come, much more. 

Miles was initially going to find out another way, I don't even remember properly how, ok, my gf just reminded me how and I have to keep that secret xD because it should've been revealed after another thing would happen which is going to happen unfortunately as well. 

Also the thing between Hince and Miles, honestly it was just planned that they fucked once, but honestly, even I'm surprised where this is going (I know roughly, but most likely more details will appear). It's interesting how Hince was supposed to be just a Russian novel reading lazy Captain and how he pretty much developed to be a full asshole from the moment when he told off everyone after Cookie was exposed. Feels weird that Cookie was sent off so long ago and it's been a very long novel and there's a lot to come, so yeah, I know I know I keep saying that, I'm just very excited :O and I can't tell a lot without spoiling xD 

The kiss kills me. 

Pretty much this isn't over and yeah, I just have to remain quiet and I hope you enjoyed it and it's funny how I felt that my 50k will be reached with Pete and Carl getting sent off.

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request and this is the last of what was written during nano:) and now I'm off and I am resuming my requests, so feel free to drop in but what I will be following is pretty much one thing posted a day either a non-Milex request or any of the three Milex stories :3 

Thank you so much for loving To Miles as much as I do

<3

To Miles 19