Friday, 27 January 2017

To Miles 60

 I watch him as he just keeps going through a few poems, wondering how come we had managed to even get so fucking close to each other. It felt weird to even feel a love so close, it felt like something which would never happen while looking out of the windows while doing homework, feeling like the spiral of being lonely at school lasted forever. I thought that the only love I would feel would be for Matt and I seemed okay with accepting that and I would go to bed thinking that I've accepted and sealed my fate. I just kept staring at him, wondering what was with me and conversations. How come was it so that I would talk much more to my mom?

I just shook the thought away, as Jamie closed the book and then inspected the plain cigarette holder. Well, it wasn't anything fancy and I knew that our salaries had a big difference and I knew that I just couldn't really win him over with anything bought by money because anything I could get would be something that he could easily get as well. I didn't even know what to say besides just keep staring at my dear lover who I seemed to be infatuated with.

“Thank you.” He said again. I never saw him with a cigarette holder and I wondered if he would change it. I could completely see him doing that, just because I had given him it. Then he sat up as well, looking around the room. “I didn't really get you anything on shore, because we didn't have any stops while you were out. So it was... kind of feeling completely trapped without you.”

He paused.

“It was as if I had never met you and I had just broken up with Miles. It wasn't too good. The only good part was that Carlos managed to do a good drag show once, but even then it was without you... Even if you haven't been on stage with him in a while, I kind of hoped that you would somehow happen to show up and everyone would just start clapping because you're always the most interesting and attractive.” I flushed at his words, just standing there naked with my bag besides me, not even sure where to put my hands with all the compliments. I just smiled just as shyly. I missed his talking, how he would just open up whether it were about the good times or the bad times, I'd even enjoy talks of Alison in the dark of how they had started dating or how they would manage to get lost on brief road trips when Alison was pregnant, giving Jamie too much of a scare. I even enjoyed weird stories of how Karen had found herself and Jamie was killing off the crush.

Jamie had even once thought of pushing her off the ship, for the sole factor that she had refused him, realizing not only that she was a woman all along, but that she wasn't really that keen on men either. I remember that I had burst out laughing so hard, thinking that I'd manage to wake the entire ship as I pictured Jamie, as he said, he had even crept on her and she looked at him at the right moment for him to stop. That had been ages ago and as I stopped laughing I had felt a bit jealous, wondering if anything had been left for Karen, since they were such good friends now. But then how many relationships with men had turned or rather remained as friends other than something more?

I wondered how much had he loved her that he decided that it would be better to love her dead rather than see her be with someone else.

“Yeah, sorry I kind of realized that drag wasn't my thing at all. Like it was fun and all... But yeah. I'd rather be behind the scenes sewing dresses for everyone, frankly.” I confessed, probably admitting that I'd be Carlos' bitch now, as he'd whine to make the dresses better, puffier, some more ridiculous and some just more feminine. He seemed to stage everything, make a whole hype around the show, to make sure that as many sailors as possible would attend and that all would leave very happy, pleased and I wondered if erections were something he considered among the sailors who would hook up or just jerk off to the image of him in a dress.

“Well... why don't you do that then?” He asked me. I scratch the back of my head, thinking.

“I'm sure he'll force me at some point. But I could offer myself to his slavery again.” I confess, realizing that I really wouldn't mind killing some time off from the day, since I wouldn't be able to hang out with Jamie anyway and it would be good to hang out with the other guys. I actually felt myself curious to hear what else were they going to tell me. I tried not to think about Julian and who would his replacement be, but I knew that Carlos would still make it work and maybe Thom and Jonny would be fit. Well, Carlos wouldn't care and force them in anyway. Miles was always up for it, because it was a great laugh for him. I wondered how he felt with Jamie watching, if the world would shrink to a former lover. I wondered what was even going on with Miles' thoughts while I was gone and if he would think of Jamie at all.

I knew Jamie would think of him, as he had mentioned.

“Were you alright though?” I ask him and think of his offer to go onshore. Jamie smirks and shakes his head.

“I'll need to buy a lot of alcohol now.” I look at him. “Because I cleaned myself completely.”

He gives out a short laugh.

“I really missed you and it was just... sad. And it's not like I was on shore and could find the company of someone else. It was literally just me and Brian, so that wasn't too fun. It was two men sitting and waiting for lover letters. I don't really talk to many, as you know. Frankly, it's just you and Brian on the ship.” He rubs his eyes. “Well and the sailors who I'll yell to mop the deck. That's all the interactions. And a bitchier Miles this time.”

I wait and don't respond to his pause, waiting to hear what had been going through Miles' mind.

“He just... was very angry at how many sailors are getting sent away, but I still sent away the list you gave me, all spread out.” He talks for once in a work manner, as if he's my superior again. “I just told him to fuck off and mind his own business.”

Jamie looks away.

“Overall he came up a few times, just to nag and it was odd, I'd ask him to talk to me outside, so that nothing could happen and he would just nag about this and that. I'd have to tell him to fuck off every time and tell him to wake up earlier than the rest and do the decks. The deck was sparkling on those days.” He smirks.

I could easily imagine Miles really angrily mopping the deck, that's why it would be so shiny or maybe he himself was killing time with his own thinking, wondering what the fuck would happen to everything. I would possibly do the same thing and the more I thought of war, the harder everything seemed to be. It would just make me panic, specifically through shore leave, that anything could happen at all and the world was slowly sinking with fear.

“You want to dress up then, we can always talk on the way to wherever you want to go.” Jamie suggested, standing up and making steps towards me to kiss me hastily. The truth was the fact was that I had no idea where I wanted to go, maybe grab something to eat and walk around very discreetly. I enjoyed shore leave, because we could always meet up and then spend the day together, planning out where to go which wasn't an area where we would be seen and that would be it. He started picking up his clothes and I followed him.

“Yeah.” I say a bit too late, as both of us are dressing in our usual sailor attires. I still have Miles dancing in my mind and I'm sure he would dance in his head as well. He was like a little devil, always making fun of both of us regardless of how much time we had spent fucking him. I watch Jamie do his tie. Soon enough we are ready and we just fix our hats.

“I just need to drop my bag and take a change of clothes, really.” I confess as Jamie himself looks around, probably wondering what could he even change into with this hot weather. The weather barely ever has any mercy on clothes and specifically uniforms. As he ponders what to wear from his closet, I wonder where could we even meet now.

“We'll meet at the street we met last time we were here, yeah?” Jamie confirms with me. I try to stretch my mind. “It's near the tobacco store. The small one.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, I remember it now.” Because we had both run out of cigarettes last time and I had to win some over poker and I would carry him some boxes, only to gamble again a few weeks later. We didn't even check the prices, we were so traumatized by the lack of tobacco we were risking that we bought it right away. It was rather small as well, but had plenty of the ones we needed.

We briefly departed, as Jamie was left in front of the closet, choosing how to attract me with his choice of clothes and I had to drop off my things back into my coffin locker. I made my way down, feeling everything familiar and if I wasn't going to meet up with Jamie so soon, I would take my time, look at everything, but it already felt like I had never left, specifically when I had entered the room filled with our bunks and no one was in. Everyone would be so eager to just go outside, specifically after a month in this case. There was no lie, every shore leave was always exciting because it was very often somewhere new and there would be something going on, if you wanted to find that of course.

I still couldn't understand the void that had been left from Matt when so many men had waltzed in and out, that so many men I had changed and who had changed me as well. I couldn't understand why was I so empty and I knew that most likely I'd be holding it until evening, when the lights would be off and when wine starts working like medicine, calming down and letting the worries dissolve, allowing me to seep through Jamie's skin and remain there. Let me be his blood. Or maybe I would just raise the subject to my lover right away, as we walk the streets of the busy city. I just took out everything that I didn't need and took a change of clothes with me. We would usually sneak into cafes just to change what we were wearing or if it was winter, we would just take off the hats. But such wasn't the case.

Maybe we should be more careful, but somehow luck seemed to be on our side, besides Carlos who would eye me if Jamie would walk up to our turret and ask how were we doing, very Captain-like, but that wasn't enough to wipe the ideas out of the loader's head and I couldn't blame him, I just wished that he wouldn't talk.

I was surprised about Miles not talking about two former lovers of his either. I wondered what kind of gay code had we entered, since he knew that I was sending off other men. Maybe he found it hypocritical to send us off when he was accusing us off doing that to rest, but seeing Miles as noble was not surely something I wanted to move my tongue about.

Sometimes love just fades and I wished that it were the case for both me and Jamie about Miles, but he would always thread through and visit my mind in circles. It was odd how many men I was juggling, even if plenty were long out of the picture and never to be seen in such a love light again.

It didn't take me too long to get to the tobacco store, yet I had taken my time, realizing that Jamie would probably prefer if we had exited the ship at different times and I tried to think of another route and had to ask for directions, recalling the street name and asking a few times for windy ways to get there. But Jamie was late, I figured he really took time to choose the shirt he was wearing, which was plain, but something he would wear.

“Did you take your time choosing clothes or?” I ask politely and holding a smile, holding from kissing him as well as a greeting. Even if we had never kissed in public, it was something that I would always get the urge to do.

“I figured that it would be better if you went first, so I really took my time.”

“That's funny... 'cause I thought the same thing.” I smiled at my lover. “I actually took my time.”

Jamie laughed lightly, as we slowly made our way into the tobacco store and took our time there, much learned from the previous experience and paid for our cigarette needs. Once we walked out, I got offered cigarettes from the cigarette holder and I just smiled back at him, quickly squeezing his shoulder, a bit too cautiously, maybe the men who seldom hold the other in public are always the queer ones? That was something I asked Jamie aloud, causing him to think and even take a while between drags.

“That would make sense though.” He thought aloud. “The men who are sure in their sexuality wouldn't mind something, but still it's all about acting heterosexual enough as well.”

“Which we clearly don't fit the part of.” He breathed the smoke out, as we waited to cross the street. “Or the rest of the goddamn navy for that matter.”


I'm actually back to writing To Miles, I took a break again because I was so tired and I found it hard to write. Now I'm back to writing feelings, thoughts and what's going on in my mind rather than story telling. I wish I could find a medium, but that never happens with me so alas. But I'll try to update more often since I've got plenty of To Miles and Offside to update and I've been writing other things as well, of course. 

It's a nice thing to go back and relive and a bit weird because I'm so far ahead and in part 2 when I post these chapters. 

I really like to squeeze out my relationships into writing and possibly once Jamie turned over I really based the strong love off what I have with Callie and even try to heighten it as much as I can, make it sort of ridiculously strong, because I usually feel complete with two people, but it's really a love which consumes them both and is still at very early stages so of course it's very heightened and there's also the whole thing that it's hard for them to be together and their time is very limited to the night and some outings. 

I frankly thought of the epilogue well possibly years ago now. And I kind of show hints here and there of what's to happen. 

I really just storytold and went ahead with it like crazy since it was Nanowrimo. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so. It would really motivate me 

Thank you



Thursday, 5 January 2017

Offside 2

I feel as if I have his stare on me the whole time we do warm ups. I feel like I can't really stretch in peace, as I wonder if he had even met another queer guy before. Because it really felt alone growing up and not really knowing what the hell was going on with me and what kind of demon should I really be exorcising. So maybe he hadn't really met anyone queer yet. What if he was from some part where people are still heavily closeted and then boom, you get a queer. Well, if he will be one to actually ask me more questions I could ask him over pizza, if he decides to talk to me again that is. I hoped that he wouldn't avoid me like the plague because after all it's rather hard to have a striker which won't talk to me. We don't really have to be synchronized but should be a bit beyond hello and goodbye to properly work as a team. I already don't really count to be close to someone who keeps staring at me as if I'm a living dodo bird anyway.

“Today we're playing five a side.” The coach announces which is pretty much obvious to everyone since we don't really have any other team to practice with or play or embarrass ourselves against since our defence is frankly shit. “Jack, have the honors and choose your team. Miles, you too.”

When I just started playing I would usually get annoyed when I wouldn't be the one choosing the team but eventually it faded with age, but Miles choosing would always mean that he would take Alex right away. He'd stay away from the other Jamie for no good reason and choose Matt as his last one. Everything was very see-through, but then Jack would be choosing us blindly based on looks and now knowing that I'm gay. I just sighed and rolled my eyes at Jack choosing Matt because of his build most likely and I guess tall, sort of well built guys stay together. Then even more at Miles choosing Alex, as I would just stand there. It's Jack's turn and he looks at me. I would say he'd decide that he needs a midfielder, but he doesn't know my position yet.

“Jamie.” He says eventually after looking at our wide choice of boys. I even feel like pointing at myself, but I hold. I just join his side as the choosing continues and I wait, eager to actually start playing instead of doing nothing and having Jack stare at everyone and choose what the hell could they even do.

On really bad days I actually start asking myself if I even like football, which is a ridiculous question because I do enjoy it more than anything else, but the thing is that I frankly feel that life all around is terribly lukewarm, no matter what you do, it feels like there's still this top layer which keeps it from being too enjoyable and even medication for depression doesn't really lift that layer off, it just keeps me being low key depressed.

I do cheer up once Jack asks all of us confused which positions do we tend to play in, because it means that we will get to play soon and then all my thoughts will be about kicking, running and maybe tackling if someone is far too annoying with a ball.

“What? No one really told me their positions or anything.” Jack grumbles as Matt rolls his eyes at him. No one seems to be patient today, as if we were wrestling or kick boxing and were about to vent our damn anger out. Everyone announces their positions and that's when it hits Jack on what he's done, but everyone is too much of an asshole to point out earlier. “So... we've got three strikers, one midfielder and one defender?”

“Yup.” I say looking at everyone and wondering what the hell would I even do in Jack's case. Probably choose a different team. I look at our strikers. I'm guessing Jack is one. He wouldn't give up that position for sure.

“Alright, can anyone be a midfielder or defence? A fucking goal keeper?” He asks concerned about Miles getting two goal keepers. The coach is probably having a good laugh about it. I didn't really see it that way that he was trying to be cheeky, but then he was probably trying to be nice in the end of it all.

“I can be a goal keeper.” Matt suggests after a very awkward silence and the fact that we can hear Miles' team chattering about positions and some diabolical plan to actually manage to win over us, well Miles knows his team and they know what they can do and what they can't do really. While we're lost like kinder gardeners who just got handed a ball for the first time.

“Yeah, because you were banging your girlfriend all night, that's why you want a time out. You'll be praying that the ball doesn't go towards you.” The other Jamie complains.

“It's not my fault she's your ex-girlfriend, Cookie.” Matt scoffs at the other Jamie. Well, that was a turn of events I had forgotten about or some straight gossip I wasn't really paying attention to. Jack smirks at that, crossing his arms on his chest. It's like a really bad your mom joke gone wrong, where the guy is actually banging the other guy's mom.

The coach overhears us and sighs looking again at the poor choice of players which Jack had done.

“So, you're left without a goal keeper.” He sighs, fixing his long black hair back. He turns to face Miles. “Miles, you dickhead, give one of the goalkeepers and you'll get Matt. Switch now and we can start training now, boys.”

Matt waves at us and sends a kiss to Cookie, who just turns around as we get LJ, who I have no fucking idea how he can see without his glasses and he just looks plain weird, considering that we had gone to the same school and he attends my mom's book club. But it really feels like the whole town is here attending football because there is nothing else to do and to kill time.

Jack and Miles go to the middle to play rock, paper scissors to decide who gets the ball and in the meantime as I'm waiting and the other Jamie just pushes me, telling me to keep my eyes on the damn ball instead of spacing out.

“Fuck off.” I mutter under my breath and the game starts. Frankly both teams play like absolute shit and what I like about playing football is that all passes in a great blur of sweat and gasping for air and praying that someone will break their legs, both of them, and that I will get a water break. I get the ball very often, simply because Jack isn't the best striker and loses the ball more than half the time. Miles and Alex yell more obscenities at each other than play. We end up winning 5-0 somehow, literally because Miles and Alex couldn't be bothered today. Coach Julian asks for them both to stay behind, so I just take my time waiting for them since we usually go to eat out after practice usually because life is all about killing time even with people who spread rumours about you.

Jack looks at me sitting on the grass, as I wait.

“What are you waiting for?” He asks me and sits besides me. I just look at him, a bit bewildered that he's still talking to me, probably decided that there is nothing wrong with talking to the queer. It's only the cooties you should be worried about and as far as I know he's not planning to kiss me anytime soon. I decide to change shoes.

“For Miles and Alex. We're going to grab a pizza, really. We tend to do that after practice.”

“A pizza? Aren't any of you guys on a diet or anything?” Says the gym bunny, I assume, smirking at his sudden question. Probably Matt would be the only one who I see following some strict gym bunny diet, but even then he eats a shit ton of pizza when we invite him to hang out or when he tags along.

“No.” I shrug. “Why? Who the fuck am I planning to bang that would be counting my abs?”

I say that and realize that a reminder of my sexuality probably wouldn't be too much of a good thing now. But it's been said as I scratch my back. I shove my football shoes back into my backpack.

“Well, it's not just about banging girls...” He pauses and looks at me, as I raise an eyebrow, realizing that my sexuality will always be some sort of token about me and will be high up on my description since frankly I don't really have that much to tell about myself anyway. So maybe if sexualities make someone interesting, let mine make me interesting then. “Or boys.”

He said that so cautiously.

“Or boys.” I mock how quiet and shy his voice ended up being. Jack looks at me a bit taken back and red. But I decided to leave the newbie alone. “Then what is it about?”

“Looking good for yourself.” He claims.

“Do you honestly believe that?” I ask Jack curiously.

“Of course I do it to look attractive, but I'm just saying that it's not just the only reason, you know.” He says, shrugging and I just give him a look, as if he's lying and I don't bother to sugar coat it at all. He thinks about his next phrase for a bit and I give him the space, since we're waiting for Miles and Alex anyway. He's probably clinging to me because I met him first and he's terribly iffy on my sexuality. “Is it okay if I join you, Alex and Miles or is it some sort of... triad?”

“God no.” I smirk and then proceed to laugh at his comment. “I would never bang any of those. Ew. God, no. You can join and spice it up, we can be some sort of sleazy swingers then. If you're into that and you manage to turn those two into men.”

“So you're... the only one?” Jack asks me carefully, as if he's trying to determine who to stay away from and I'm guessing I happen to be in that quarantine zone he would be avoiding later on, as he will manage to meet the rest of the guys.

“Gay?” I ask and Jack nods. I scratch the back of my head. “Well, there's this guy I used to date, but he was bi and we don't really talk much more, naturally.”

“Oh, I'm sorry.” He says. I just wave my hand, showing that it doesn't matter anymore even if I'm frankly shattered and I keep refreshing Grindr and wondering how long will it take me to actually hook up with a 30 year-old from the neighbouring town which keeps writing to me, I am 18 after all, every 30 year-old's dream. I don't think I'm that desperate yet. Neither am I writing to the older gay men in our town. Jack then looks at his fingers. “I had a break up recently. Well, not that recent. She didn't want to have a long distance relationship, so she ended it with me.”

“Oh.” I say, he's probably waiting for me to announce the reason I had split up with Brian, but instead I just remain quiet and soon enough Alex and Miles wave at us, so the attention slides back to the two culprits and I wonder how in the hell do you manage to already talk about sexuality and break ups to a stranger? But then people hook up on hello, if they ever speak at all.

I look at Jack, as he doesn't really notice or pretends not to notice me staring at him, his curls in the wind. He's pretty good looking but surely straight, just like most football players even if frankly you can take and make any sport gay because it's a bunch of sweaty men running around and tackling each other every once in a while. It could well be gay, but it's pretty hidden from us homosexuals, even if there's plenty of talk of that guy being gay and the other and a third boning the first.

I have no idea how the fuck will having Jack on our team will even improve anything, since he's not that good but he could as well have been deadly terrified or nervous on his first day or he could have possibly not expected us to be this trashy? I glance at him again. Surely straight, so there goes all that belief that somehow this year will be different and there will be a new hot guy to fuck around with, because all the good looking guys are straight here, because there is simply not enough guys in this small town.


I finished the first part of To Miles during Nanowrimo and I was literally left wondering... what the fuck do I even write now? And I got feedback on Offside which really made my day at the time, so the story kept going through my mind and I was really feeling it, so I decided why not try and actually push it forwards and it's starting to look much longer than I had expected. I am also slowly writing the chapter after all the Nanowrimo written ones and now that my mindset is drastically different and kind of swamped with my own personal life, I'll try my best to keep it going as it was, but obviously personal life influences a writer and it always inspires me. But now it's overwhelming me, so I better get that to paper yet once again.

I dunno, it's really weird, because I always squeeze out everything I can from relationships for inspiration, I muse a lot and that's how like most of my stories are made. And until recent they've been the product of my empty mind just telling stories, so I'm glad to be back on the inspired playing field rather than just telling stories. 

Offside so far is me telling stories and imagining things. 

I ask a fuck load of questions to Callie who is a much much bigger football fan than I am. I just enjoy watching, while Callie is pretty hardcore, but this was still a topic I was itching to write about a lot. 

Offside is probably one of the lightest stories I've surely written and filled with humor and a bunch of talking, which I'm pretty unused to but was terribly fun to write. 

I've been pretty depressed and anxious recently, which causes me to think a lot about life and kind of sets the darker tones of Offside's background. 

If you enjoyed it, please tell me so, gives me great motivation

Thank you so so much