Thursday, 28 August 2014


We still both end up laughing hilariously at the newly bought condoms and awkward meet, as I can’t help but keep looking at him and we link arms on the way back to his flat. He’s much taller than I am and I always feel so small even if he’s a bit less than average height and his hair is quite big. I wonder how odd would it even be to see him with shorter hair as he claimed that it’s been long for quite a while and had no intention of even cutting it off. It feels weird to share some silence when I feel like I’ve got too much to say and once I get back I don’t get much questions asked, as all is presumed where my days go and I guess the simple question of protection is resolved it is kept that way.

The attention is shifted to Matthew, who seemed to start sulking and mentions that there’s not a lot left anyway for us to suffer here, which hits a bit home, but I dismiss it and get a change of clothes to walk out, later in the night, knowing exactly where to head and I take a bus, a bit too hyped even if the corners of my soul seem to be crawling with the virus of counting the left days and my mind tries to close anything and it’s harder when I knock on the door and it takes Jamie a while to open. 

The rain at night makes it a bit surreal for the last moments before he opens it. He’s got a towel around his head as well as he motions me in, pulling me into a fast kiss before he dives back into the bathtub. I watch his hair dissolve and I just shudder.

“Do you think I should cut it?” He asks me, opening a new box of cigarettes and stretching me out the pack and I watch him, a bit too sad all of a sudden and I sigh, not even giving a proper reply as I undress and I join him, wondering how fast he had washed out his hair and I wonder if this will be the only day I’ll see him with this hair length and the hair itself weakened from the previous dreadlocks. 

I wonder if Jamie himself had been counting as he holds the cigarette smoke too long in his mouth, watching me from the corner of the eye as if getting adjusted to something not so long to get even if not wanted to be achieved. 

“I think you should do what you want, really.” I smile and our legs and knees are touching, towering above the water in the old, small bathtub which could’ve just been for children yet was still adjusted here and had seen far more sex than intended. 

There could be someone else inside here next week.

I close my eyes.

“Five days.” I just mutter and I press my lips against the surface of the water and I slowly immerse myself in, feeling Jamie shift closer to me, his own fingers stroking through my hair as I feel him watching me and I wonder far too much, my memories mostly of his face how we would walk around, memories far too valuable too share and far too empty for someone else to comprehend. 

“I know, I’ve been counting.” Green eyes hurt with some pain which is inevitable. I just hug him and I hope the pain only comes to last at the mark.

“I shaved my head when I was a kid. We could do that again.” Jamie raises an eyebrow but bursts out laughing anyway, most likely thinking if his razor would work for it.

I feel the taste of the end on my lips as I keep looking at Jamie across the bathtub and I just wonder how long would he hold the short hair and if I keep getting worried over the sudden change and my soon departure, but then it would be less depressing to cut the hair now rather than later.

You can know people all your life and sometimes you know that from one look you know someone or even from a few days, sometimes time is far too irrelevant as I can’t help but feel both of us watching every patch of skin and every smiling wrinkle to make sure that it stays as fresh in memory even if the memories regarding faces of beloved are always awful or is because we’ve never truly loved before? I lean forward to kiss him, hold his lips against my own, as I feel him deepen the kiss slowly and I feel like we’re both falling apart far too fast and the other still manages to glue everything together but it’s not for long and the pain pierces through the body like a lightning strikes before it starts burning the wood, the core of the body until everything is on fire and we still keep kissing.

“The beauty of leaving comes with knowing that you’ll see each other again.” And Jamie smiles at me, lips a bit apart, the kiss barely broken. 

He saw me off, me being last as he showed up and the days had flashed far too fast, all of them ending faster than a shuffle and the parents saying that I should spend my last day with them discovering touristic London wasn’t even better and the hours were spiraling downwards, reminding me that I wouldn’t see Jamie again.
The fear is in both hands, the grenade in our hands, but no one pulls the rings, the ring is just subtly being put from hands to hands. I’m surprised we even kissed once, as I recall seeing him much older and my own fear taking over and I wonder how many times my past had been rewritten to make sure I had met him more than once and slept with him more than twice

I wonder.

Depression goes away one day or one hour, and one day it’s all ok. Just like that so do the others day approach with letters and fear and meeting again, the hair length shifted from one to another and you don’t feel more mature, you just feel in love again and all over from all sides as the awkward shuffle is done after the hug and the suitcases are lifted along with the weight of life to carry together as usual.

I’ve imagined as far too often holding hands, laughing as I kiss him.


It's weird I randomly picked it up and I felt on a roll. And I just couldn't stop. I think everyone has this soft spot for early Kills and I guess I like this AU where you get Blyth Power-esque Jamie with dreads xD and yeah, that was the last chapter. I had this odd mood where I was just picking up old stories and ending them as they were intended as they were all supposed to have this number of chapters. I should also stop dragging Stale Smoke In A Running Circle. There's a bunch of stories which I miss writing and I guess I've been awfully depressed with everything which causes me to write a lot and every day I'm faced with wondering if I post what the fuck do I actually post. Eveything is at least written halfway so yeah:3

and I'm surprised and happy at the feedback I've been getting, it's honestly very very touching and please never hesitate as frankly I've been depressed and anything just makes my day these days. 

I will really miss Fiji and originally it was supposed to be a one-shot, then two chapters and then it escalated because I enjoyed these two. But then, I dunno, I miss their chemistry awfully, but some couples are just not meant to be. I mean, like I might even ship Jamie and Brian more, but I don't see how they would work, but they're still one of my fave to ever write about. I'll have a new chapter of Tunnel of Love soon, it's written so yeah.

Ok, regarding Fiji.

I guess I should speak about writing endings in general, it's scary and my mind just goes, NO, JAMIE I KNOW THE ENDING AND WRITE IT DOWN and it's like walking down a corridor and you know you're reaching the light and there are no more turns, but the light is a good thing and I've been depressed that what if I do have that many ongoing stories at once? And then I started hectically picking up old stories and writing more of them or finishing like Close. I'll have the last chapter of Close up soon as well. 

It was supposed to stretch for a few more chapters but I had the clear image of the last day and I skipped, I never edit and write whatever pops in my mind. That's how it works solely so it's hard for me to give advice for any other techniques because I've been writing with this one for years and years and I have my own writing styles within it, I dunno how noticeable is it so yeah xD 

I'll never get over the fact that Alison was much shorter than Jamie xD it's so cute xD considering that Jamie is roughly my height and I'm not very tall. It's really weird, sometimes you might perceive yourself as tall and someone else seems short even at your same height. But all is known in comparison. 

I guess because I change my hair so often and dye it in the weirdest colours, my fingers always itch to change it if there's some change. Like I never thought I'd go to black after bleaching it for thee weirdest colours and now I'm bleached blonde. And there's the whole symbolism around the hair and I'd make a point many times to change dramatically after breaks (I know, I'm chatty today, but people seem to read this so xD) 

So I guess it was metaphorical that Jamie would want the change with Alison before she leaves. 

A lot of this was based after me and Callie met and we were leaving the camp thing and it was really sad, knowing that I would never see these people again ever but because me and Callie lived close we made a deal that she'd come visit me or I would visit her and saying goodbye (go laugh, we weren't a couple then, I was scared Callie was a player and last year I had made out with a bloke who blocked me on Facebook, I didn't want to risk, what the fuck, I know) was with this full feeling of knowing that we would meet again. And I used it for here. 

You always know you'll meet someone again if you love them and they love you back.

Also Callie pointed out that the parents dragging Alison more was a nice touch. It was just obvious parent behavior really, hang out with me, by the end of any trip everyone starts doing tug-o-war on you xD

I think I shall forever roll my eyes at everyone who thinks Jamie and Alison were always friends. Please. Stop xD Kenneth spilled it thankfully for all our souls, calm down xD

But then I'm not a friendship person, so yeah. I dunno, I just think it's stupid to believe that happens. It's always the lovers who you hold dear as friends of ex-lovers like in their case and even then they've grown apart which is weird and I guess a natural process these days, which is sad, but well, it happens. We're all left to fantasize about them. 

Oh God, I was anxious writing the last lines and I was like "fuck, I fucked up" and I kept writing and I wanted some smiling in the end, something too in your face because they were so yeah.

I really love them both a lot and they're amazing.

I hope you enjoyed this story and yeah, I guess this is the part where I'll point towards the donation box on the right. Don't forget all fiction/fanfiction is kept free for anyone to read and would be great if this place could run on some donations because I do dedicate a lot of time on this and I'd love to make a living from my writing and thank you



Sunday, 24 August 2014

- 4

“Why did you wear a black polo?” Sleep is nonexistent, what I call sleep is something fake and which he gives me under my Stockholm syndrome where I think it’s mercy and he just looks at me, now he’s eating the frozen yoghurt, only a ghost one and he just doesn’t reply, looking past me for a moment towards the monument which is for the doctor. I had the thought that it could be him, but upon further examination it wasn’t as the doctor was Portuguese and he looked a bit too English, but I could be wrong and his accent gave it out. Wouldn’t explain his location either. 

The tombstones upon closer examination were weird pieces of the same tombstone material, thanking the doctor who had cured children after his death which made no sense. 

I sat opposite him on the grass and I watched him eat. He wasn’t shooing me away this time, eyes red, making me wonder if his eyes were green or hazel when he were alive. 

“I’m Nick.” It ends up more of a snap and that’s when the day hits me, the sun strokes my face along with his fingers and now he travels to my neck and I feel my skin freeze and as I open my eyes he’s still there. The daylight still kills me.

“Close your eyes.” I don’t so he stretches his arm and that’s when I do, no longer immune to anything and I see myself as a child again, laying on grass and I open my eyes just to see him gone and myself back in the apartment, more blood staining the wooden floor and a few cups broken, now too much chalk traces on the floor as I stand they just dissapear and my whole arm doesn’t feel anything and upon further sleepiness in a bathroom attempt I nearly crash into the full length mirror and my hand goes through, no longer with a reflection. 

I sit from midnight waiting for him.

“It’s funny how self-worth starts determining and rising when you attract other people.” He shows up at 1 a.m. again on the bench. I bite my lips.

“Is meaningful sentences all you’re gonna say?” He looks up at me. 

“I’m Jamie.” He replied yesterday’s introduction.

Ghosts should be like spirits and I wonder if I can make him go away, but he makes me go away. I just narrow my eyes, looking at him and his introduction. I actually stand up and wonder if I should fucking research on this twat and once I try to leave the sprinklers go on and I feel my clothing get drenched, as I curse outloud and I turn around to see him in the said black polo from earlier, maybe he realized it’s summer in Portugal. He doesn’t want me to leave. I turn around, clothes wet and he moves from the middle of the bench for me to join. He stretches his arm and I don’t shake it, so he pushes it against my own for his hand to go through mine, get numb, he waits a while before he shakes it and I feel his touch, cool and my hand barely holding any feeling and I have to grip his hand back. 

Said hand goes through the bench as I try to keep my mind calm, paranormal taken as granted as I look at his silence and poke him with a numb finger feeling his skin, a bit of sweat and I just smirk, tired-

He watches my confusion and I just look ahead, turning right to the monument and the geese now just pacing around furiously yet silently as if they were demons themselves just like Jamie here.

“Are you trying to turn me into a ghost?” My own death seems hysterically funny to me, but I don’t laugh. I need the sleep is not giving me at all. 

“No, I just want your soul.” With his red eyes it sounds more than convincing, so I quickly look down, rubbing the numb hand, knowing it’s loss. I blink.

Then what’s the deal?

“You yourself know what the deal is and what I have to offer.” And all of a sudden I see Jamie stand up and we’re in some underground which is trying to pull off as if it’s a cave, all in blue and some wheat patterns and I see scattered letters which make me think for a while, before I realize that it should be something from Scandinavia and he takes my hand, as the last shivers run from the remaining hand and soon enough I feel his skin. I can’t help but keep watching him as we walk in and I see some people and they look past me as I look behind me to see many many foreigners caught in their thoughts. 

And then Jamie points at the map a few stations later and we arrive at a station which is not on the map, one person leaves and we follow them-

“You know what you want.” And he grabs me, hands on my cheeks and he kisses me, my arms falling to my sides, as I feel the blood end and soon enough I feel his lips against my own, only some patches of skin left alive-

The sprinklers spray me in the morning, but I keep getting wet when I see that I’ve never really seen them ever. Jamie looks at me from the day, sun in his hair, throwing glitter, eyes redder than usual.


This story still gets to me because in the beginning it was based off pretty much real events and this chapter specifically touches closer to the encounter I had. So yeah, this story is obviously unsettling and I can guarantee you that what happens is half what happened, half what didn't.

Anyway, please don't wander off if something is weird, as I've stated before.

I'm also sad that this is the only Grimmy/Hince story I've got, but I'll end up with more later, don't worry XD

Also this story is finished and there is only two more chapters to go. I'm rushing to get it published because frankly, I want to not think of it much, but it was written and should be published, so yeah.

Me and Callie thought that perhaps the doctor with the said monument could've been what we encountered but we came to the conclusion that it wasn't. So yeah, that was used in the story.

Don't assume and don't speak of it if you encounter, please don't do that mistake. Decline all offers. Decline all offers. I don't have to stress how important this is. 

Ok, this chapter was written when we were back already and there is this specific station which shows up under a different name on the tube map and a week or so ago me and Callie even saw these two guys head out to make sure they saw what they were seeing. The first time I saw it I got scared the shit out and it had a weird feel to it, but then I saw people getting confused with time and the more time passes the easier you feel after encounters, you just have to give it time. So that station was used.

Also, don't forget what is offered is what you'll most want. Don't forget that. Again, decline. 

I'm sorry that the backstory ends up me explaining what to do, because well, this is important. And please don't forget to pray if you belong to any religion, prayers work. In general prayers are a very powerful thing. Nick's case is harder because I imagine him as atheist here and yeah. But if you can't do prayers, just follow basic rules and stay calm, ask them to leave and decline. Keep doing so.

I hope you enjoyed the story and this chapter, just two more left

Please tell me if you enjoyed it as it's hard to keep posting this story and yeah, I've been rather down lately

thank you for all your support


Friday, 22 August 2014

let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 3

He tries to choke me with a pillow, as I burst out laughing.

One week until Valentine’s now and my heart shrivels up with lonely fear, as the Jamie admirer should reveal it’s rose and fedora as I say that to Jamie, bursting out in laughter and jealous that he’ll be the one to lose his virginity first to a guy, though, so ew. And Jamie gets a second Valentine, hinting that it’s someone taller than Jamie, which he scowls is unfair coz he falls under the very short kind compared to the rest. 

That night I dream that someone made a prank and did it under my name and Jamie shrugged, saying he knew it and I woke up with the same surprised face plastered on me as I called Jamie and told him that, whilst getting ready. He took the piss and told me he knew that already and I told him to piss off, because if it were me I’d at least try to get one of the gay valentine’s instead of a usual. Jamie took my point. 

I get anxious closer to the date and I realize how I’ll be alone without my gay best friend, he’ll be without his best lesbian friend, but I don’t think his loss is as big as mine.

We enter the last topic in Biology, the class which had been behind until now and some sighs are held all over the class, Jamie doodling on corners of his notebook and I’m nowhere near with anyone, I had gotten drunk once with Jamie and I wonder if my years are slipping through me and I get scared that I hadn’t dated anyone, before it was just me and Jamie awkwardly shuffling and fighting which movie to even watch if we’d have sleepovers, none’s parents minding and even suggesting condoms, which Jamie would use as balloons and throw them after filling with water and our screams seemed like rough sex to all relatives. Even if we’ve never even held hands. 

Is that what it all boils down to?

I’ll be left alone.

It seemed lonelier with Jamie’s green eyes hazing out entirely, wondering and asking me what did I think and who did I think it would be, Jamie scanning all the hallways.

Did that mean that my high school time was desperately missed out?

Watching lists getting passed around with yearbooks, what people have done and what should people do were making me feel even worse.

A sleepover under Jamie’s glow in the dark stars made me realize that soon enough I won’t be with him under the blankets and I glanced at him. 

Jamie slows starts to fall asleep, the light still on and it terrifies me that he’d leave me, just as soon as my seat is taken and then I’ll have no one else to ever cling to as much as I’ve clung onto him. 

“Jamie.” Nothing.

“Jamie.” I need him awake.

I lean closer and I’m above him, as he stirs and opens his eyes sleepily, mumbling something under his breath.

If he’s my best friend, why wouldn’t I?

My breath leaves my lungs and I want to cling onto his. He looks at me alert and I can’t let myself even do anything. He opens his mouth to yawn and covers his mouth.

“Sorry.” He apologizes and looks up at the stars. 

What if what I’m looking for isn't someone else

What if you should kiss your best friend like that list said, but then I wouldn’t want to laugh about it



“Alison, it’s ok, I’ll feel flattered.” I glare at him and move back to my side. Instead he just hugs me from behind and it’s the first time we sleep curled up to a smile of Jamie’s mom as she announces breakfast as we untangle ourselves from each other and I ignore Jamie’s morning wood, as he lies it off as I dress up with his eyes closed, not even doing my usual jokes about anything and Jamie keeps his silence, us bumping as we try to exit at the same time through the doorway.


It ended up being longer than expected and I guess no matter how much my depression might be taking me down, I still write an awful lot and every day I'm faced with what do I post today, the thing I wrote today or do I post something which I should've posted a year ago. There's just so many things to post and so many things I've written. I just decided to push this today as I finished it today. It's one of Callie's favourite stories and she can't help but rejoice that it's up and going again. I dunno I like picking up old stuff these days and either updating it or pushing it further and I guess this story is those which I'm pushing further:) 

I've been having I guess a 20 year old crisis, August is getting to me because everything crashed a year ago and sometimes I just feel like I had my life stolen away from me and to be honest, I know I should be proud of myself, but I'm not because to be honest, I just started working and paying rent by myself because there was no other choice. I'm trans and gay, I just needed to do everything myself with Callie on me. I literally had no choice, so I never really think myself of heroic, because this isn't like I flipped everything and did everything myself. Yeah, I refused to even try anything again with the UK but that's because I crawled out with a cancer scare, PTSD and severe depression and anxiety disorder. I just had no choice.

And that gets to me, because just because I happened to be born elsewhere and I happen to be gay and trans that was a reason for a government to fuck me up entirely and to a horrid extent. And people still don't get it, I still see people going all oh, the UK is so lovely, it's like you cunt, you talk to me, I fucking told you what the fuck happened and nothing, you cry about how you want to see the UK. But naw, let's bash countries just because the media tells us to. Anyway and focus from what is actually happening in the world. 

So I don't know, can you praise someone for solely surviving when there was no other choice?

That's what I don't know, I'd praise anyone but not myself, but then that's how depression falls. And that was the topic in all my writing sessions today (I wrote some Blue/Jacket because Miles is also a freelancer there), like the whole feeling that everything is stolen. Because let's face it, it is.

Anyway, I also came across this interesting post, which caught my eye and also triggered my depression because I just got reminded that I had to grow up far too fast and make a living wage and whatnot. And not getting patted on the back gets to me, it always gets to you. Instead I get scolding that I should make more. It gets to me far too much.

The post is this: the list I found

I wrote this chapter in two sittings (sorry I guess I just vent with what is going on these days and I guess what's going on in my head helps with the mood of the story, I guess, I dunno, I've always written backstories and people enjoy them, so that makes me happy).

I think it's quite obvious one of the themes of the story, but I really like Callie's explanation whenever she gets asked about dating me, that your sexuality is like your favourite pasta, but if you come across a great lasagna, you'll go for that. So yeah xD Callie's Italian by blood and she's quite proud of it, which is always lovely. It's funny how you sometimes cling onto your heritage from while to while. I've been dunking kefir far too often and Callie gets recipes from different cuisines.

So basically you always get the straight who ends up being gay, but in reality sexuality is far more complex or accepting. I may be more on my male side and be solely attracted to males, but that doesn't change my love for Callie and neither does it her's. So I guess, I just wanted to show that side, even if it's a weird feeling for Alison right now. Sexuality is much more complex and you just fall for people.

I was quite interested in the whole kiss your best friend from the list and I already knew where I was going with Jamie and Alison, but Alison getting that list on her hands seemed interesting and I had used it.

I'm thankful that there's this post saying that it's bullshit that your lover can't be your friend on tumblr, oh where was that post when I needed it, but alas, I don't give a shit anymore. I'm just being angsty coz I seem to be getting in discussions with people regarding break-up causes, oh well.

So in the end you do go for that close friend and I guess that's crossing Alison's mind these days. And I don't think it matters which sexuality you are you still ship Alison and Jamie. I might not ship them at their current state, but I'll still cry and wish they were back when I watch I Hate The Way You Love. We all keep fantasizing about them, like Alison said, it's a beautiful thing.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please do tell, as it's been hard these days and either way, the fact that you enjoyed it is better than anything, as I do enjoy this and yeah, knowing that I might help anyone makes it amazing form my end as well



let's make straight offensive since they're such bigots 4

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

To Miles 33

Love -

I forget my own words, as I feel him stroking my cheek and I wonder where are we.

I can’t even recall what I had just called love, as I feel his lips against my own, not demanding a kiss, just waking me up, slowly lifting me from the water I had been dunked into, as the last drops fall from my fingertips. And I wake up with anxiety, opening my eyes just to feel Jamie’s hand on my cheek as I see that I am still in the ship, only in the doctor’s office and I wonder how long had I been passed out-

And Miles’ kiss is upon my lips as I keep observing him, trying to figure out what is it that I had been thinking and he kisses me again-

“Al, rest up, love.” My mouth is dry and I wonder what else has he to say, but instead I just feel tired again and I think it’s some medication and I fall asleep with the thought of him carrying me and it’s the only time something tender in public is dismissed as the actual care he gives to me, my legs tangle among themselves.

I try to remember many things, when my legs aren’t tangled with Jamie’s and we don’t wake up in odd positions or Jamie entirely curled up against me, but the first time we had fallen asleep together, opening our eyes briefly just to lock, having that one second of bliss before we’d realize how the whole thing started. Jamie’s arm is stretched to touch mine, as he’s asleep on the floor, head near my hip, hat off and on the chair as well as his suit. 

I sit up, softly, shuddering lightly at how the whole thing started and how mechanic our first times were until I feel that I was getting attracted to death and I just go through his hair slowly, not seeing any gray hairs yet. 

Is he the devil when he had just been dancing with one the whole time, hypnotized and lost? Does that justify his actions? I cough lightly, as he slowly stirs and I’m still caught lost, because I love him and -

I’ve forgiven him, but my own guilt still eats me. We kiss. 

I never want to doubt you again, I pray.

“I’m sorry.” His fingers stroke my cheek. I gulp and I get pale, I feel sick again. I clench my fists and Jamie notices it and just watches me. 

“N-no, it’s fine.” We’re in the circle again. I feel far too anxious as I watch him, all my blood gushing all over and I want to kiss him all of a sudden. 

“I just feel... We started from the wrong foot, really and I feel awful about it. I’m not... excusing myself. I just... I shouldn’t have and I really kept seeing you as Miles for a while, I  tried and it didn’t work.” Jamie pauses. “I just want you to get better.”

He continues.

“I forced you into this-”

“I fucking started coming around yours because I fucking loved and love you.” Jamie abrubtly looks at me in the eye and just shrugs, pulling me closer as I kiss the top of his head. I shrug as well, pulling him closer. “I just... felt like I could always go to yours. The only difference now is that I’m always at yours, love.”

We both smirk, far too young for our reactions. 

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“I always tell you if you’re too rough during sex.”

“Fuck off, Turner.”

“I do.”

“Yeah, well, you bite too hard too, then.”

Jamie comes in my dreams far too often usually, so much that I don’t even recall both of us falling asleep again. And that’s when I dream, feeling my real self, shift in the sleep, that he kisses Miles and I’m not even sure who is even kissing Miles anymore and that’s when jealousy of my own actions seems to burn me. 

Maybe it’s always me trying to have those who I shouldn’t be with?

They’re both in front of me and Matt is eating apples, watching all three of us and we all hold hands, something which would never happen-

But I’ve kissed Miles again, with winter stroking the back of my neck, a long lost lover and some emotions I’ve been granted which I’ve never wanted

I always wondered if it’s even able to love more than one man-

when I didn’t even accept back in school, that you could even love one. 

Everything is a goddamn blur that I can’t deferentiate Jamie’s voice from the hissings and I wake up to Miles holding my hand, as Jamie just stands there near the door, glaring at Miles’ back of the head as he softens looking at me before I glance at Miles.

“Fuuuck...” And it’s dismissed as my headache. Someone knocks on the door, someone far too short and it takes me a moment to register it’s Brian who waves Jamie out and he quickly apologizes and leaves. Neither would I want to share an intimate moment with him in front of Miles. 

"With Hince being here all the time, I’m sure everyone thinks that you’re fucking, at least they should." Miles breaks my sleep and it’s what he greets me with and I just blink at him, holding my pause, trying to wake so that I could punch him in the face.
"Yeah well everyone’s bumming. You should know that.” I snarl, my head far too foggy and hunger seems to be upon me. I’m not even sure what I have and what may I even eat right now.
"So he’s your boyfriend now?" Miles kisses my forehead and I grunt.
"How about you just get Hince?" I mutter not thinking, wanting him to come back regardless of what Brian needs him for and I slowly start hearing voice approaching. 
"And tell him you went back to his ex?" He smirks, a bit too darkly. "You made out with me Al, conscious or not, you cheated on Hince who is cheating on his wife with you. Great couple. Thing about it, actually you two seem to deserve each other."
I feel like a ping pong ball where back when Jamie said I was like Miles and now it’s the opposite, the blame childish but the reasons far deeper than a fucking sandbox.
He stands up, keeping his dark eyes fixed on me, as he pauses for a while before the door opens to have a bunch of men get inside, all of them talking of something and I just feel intimidated that I nearly pull the covers over me and I feel far too naked with all the sailors looking at me and Miles pressing himself against the wall opposite me, keeping his glare more than visible. 

“See, sailors? This is what the homosexuals did to poor Turner, he had to fight for his life!”

“Why the fuck...” Pause. I hear Thom’s voice and I see Jonny quickly elbow him, as the loader just clears his throat, quickly glancing at me in confusion. I hear Carlos snicker in the back and wink at me. “Was Turner in the orgy, Sir?”

“He was going to mop the decks there and the poor man fainted because his morals are higher than those of the demons below us.” What the fuck. I try to catch Jamie’s eyes and I see a small smile before he turns back to the sailors and puts his hand on my shoulder. Soothing, yet a bit too personal but Hince’s always gone away with it. “Observe my dear boys and men, this is what happens if you get too close, your eyes shut your brain off and cleanse, cleanse just like your body would fight any virus.”

“And watch your mouth sailor, as those lips may also be contaminated.” He walks up to Thom and points at him. I hold from rolling my eyes as Miles just keeps watching me. 

Eventually everyone leaves, mumbling what nonsense it was, but Jamie ignores them as I am slowly drifting back to sleep and I’m not even sure, anxiety pulling me apart and threading as I slowly see Matt in my dreams, but I wake to have Jamie’s fingers threading my hair. I try to sit up and I am greeted by Miles, who never left in the first place. 

“How the fuck did you guys even start dating?” Miles glances at both of us and he doesn’t give us a pause. “Alex would come back late at night, all so distressed-”

My vision starts shaking and moving sideways, my sleep should’ve been far more extended. All of a sudden I get a flash of all the bottled fear when Jamie kissed me for the first time, pressed against the door and Jamie’s hand goes back to my shoulder, squeezing it. I feel his nails and I look up as Miles looks at us, confused

I want to vomit-

I sit up, nearly pushing Jamie’s hand off me and it’s a sudden gesture and Jamie flinches, taking the hand with him. 

“Was it some really bad sex? Can’t shag anyone these days, Jamie-”

And then I feel everything rising within me-

And I feel his harsh touch, how he had went inside me and I quickly glance at him, feeling the need to glue two images together and I can’t even hear Jamie’s reply as Miles’ face falls in realization after the two throw insults at each other and everything is moving, everything is shattering-

He had raped me. It happened. More than once. 

Miles tries to choose the words, before Jamie covers it up with lies, when it had happened

I want to puke. 

“You fucking raped Alex?” I stand up and nearly throw up, my body shivering and all of a sudden I start crying, I feel Jamie’s hands pulling me closer to him

Is this all falling in love with someone who at least notices you at any cost? I clutch the sink, the need gone and I keep sobbing as I feel Miles’ stare and I hear him head up to Hince.

No one was there-

He was there

No one was there

“No one was there, Miles.” My voice trembles and I look at him.

“No one was there. You avoided me. Pete and Carl’s deaths were my fault. Frankly I’d rather be with Hince who raped me than someone who lied to me and decided that my sins were worse than theirs.” I get the urge again and I trace my nails on the mirror, as I feel Jamie’s shaking fingers against my neck and I start crying even harder. 

Why does Miles need to hear this.

“You both are fucked with your cleansing queers agenda, you faggots. You’ve been fucking more than this ship ever had. Only guess what, we all did it consensually. Congrats, Hince.” And he leaves as I start bawling, Jamie keeping his silence and holding me tighter. I bite his shoulder to muffle myself. He puts me back on the bed as I clutch his suit tighter, feeling my body start dissolving in pain, my chest getting heavier and I just feel Jamie’s kisses on me, trying to ease and he just holds me, apologizing again and again. 
Is it far too ironic that I fell in love with him?
I wondered at night, before falling asleep when my thoughts and presence was too far away, why was I attracted to him and I just saw it as poison to show up at his doorstep, I kept telling myself that we were each other’s out of misery but not love and how much can guilt shield if you do love?

I keep falling asleep with Jamie’s fingers trailing on my face until both of our breaths even up and he’s asleep sitting next to me and in the sleep I feel him pull me even closer.

I think fever hits me as I sleep, too many bright colours and the dreams far too realistic and  I see Jamie only his hair is fully gray and he’s drinking juice from a white cup, watching me as I feel much younger with meeting Matt and they’re both older and I wonder as I see Alison shuffling cards again and telling me that the death is upon my hands

“Sometimes the bad predicted things don’t happen” and she smiles widely, exposing her teeth and they all seemed crooked as I start checking my teeth with my fingers and I feel Jamie groan in his sleep, tightening his grip on me and I stir awake to raise myself lightly, see Jamie in the dark and put myself back on the pillow, feeling the odd dream yank me back in

And I miss Matt, he looks the same and he’s swinging on the swings, grinning at me even wider, as I feel my throat get pierced with pain, his fingers threading through my skin and I imagine both him and Jamie kissing over me as if I were a corpse. I stir in my sleep and when I wake in the morning my temperature is already measured and my coughing gets worse, my whole body aching as I get told that I have pneumonia and I wonder where the fuck did I even catch it as Jamie keeps dragging me tea and checks with the doctor that all the medicine is in place. Nostalgia washes over me whenever my eyes are closed as I recall the small stores where me and Matt would slip in and look at the toys, knowing how far Christmas would be

When fever reaches me even stronger, Matt writes me another letter and Jamie reads it out to me as I lose the count of days and guilt for blaming me and Jamie, Miles who never approaches

I keep coughing, the fever still holding and twirling me

I always wondered if Jamie would be the devil with how he had lured me in, how he had kissed me and how sex shifted from love and back, how the rape seemed to keep following me and how my morals seemed to be asking myself what the fuck was even wrong and right, how clingy had I been and was it because Miles had asked it

and Miles was nowhere and Matt’s letter had to be reread.

“I... I didn’t read your poem.” I mutter when the fever is still upon me and all the words don’t seem to make sense besides a few kisses which I feel from Jamie and I keep falling and sometimes when you get too ill 

you start wondering

when do you actually die

and if you have enough acceptance for death to use the guillotine. 

I wake up from my own scream as Jamie shudders already awake and I keep coughing, my whole body cold and I try to reason how much time had passed.

I want to see Matt.

I’m scared of my own decisions.

I love Jamie too much.

“I kissed Miles.” My lips trembling and Jamie presses a cup with water against my mouth. I shake it away, my fingers trembling.

“I’m scared. I love you. I love you

I love you

I love you

I feel his fingers against my cheek I try to concentrate on my words and they are his, I just hear something soothing and I think of Alison and she’s pregnant, isn’t she?


If I were Jamie I’d slap myself into sense, I’d tell my body to wake and actually intake all the medicine given and actually give myself some slack to find solitude in Jamie’s bed

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t loved him at all, because all I feel is the judgement.

Miles didn’t go for him, Matt will never be with a man

And there’s just the two of us left

Maybe that’s why we’re left and I feel myself speaking, not hearing my own words as Jamie keeps talking, telling me it’s ok and I smile. I pull him closer, my whole body shaking, 

“I love you”

“I love you too.” He lays me to sleep, his hand in my hair as usual, checking my temperature and waking for medicine and early in the morning when I feel a bit better he pulls me into a shower, when my head buzzes less and my coughing isn’t as shattering, he helps me shower and I watch him, smiling, missing his naked touch and he just rolls his eyes at me as I check him out as if it were for the first time.

“It’s our first shower.”

“Of many, give me your arm, Turner.”


It's not that it's awful to write, my depression had been going bonkers on me lately and I came back to herbal medicine (to find that the main pharmacy doesn't have the herbal meds in stock, so I'll have the joy of searching around tomorrow xD). I dunno, it's just that it's hard and people don't speak of depression much. Sometimes it gets fucking hard, I don't realize it until I look back, but I've written so fucking much and I feel like I haven't written enough at all times, when I finished three short novels and picked them back up (Fiji, Close and -). I'm in this odd mood of picking up older stuff and giving it a push and finishing if it's near, like Close for instance. I was thinking to publish it today, but I decided on To Miles instead because it's been a while and I'm sorry for that.

I'm really surprised and happy on all the feedback I've been getting and my depression keeps muting it out, telling me that it's not good enough which gets to me heavily, so yeah. But I've grown so attached to the story and I honestly love it. And yeah, I'm sorry that it's not really a full blown milex and it ended up being much more complex and Jamie's character stole a lot for himself and he and Al ended up having a relationship which was never plotted and to be honest when it started I was like, ok, fuck yeah, it'll all lead up to this great scene and then fucking Hince and Al confess and that scene was chucked out along with the ending. Everything was chucked out with adjustments. I like how it is more now, I'm really happy to discuss stories and then I think about the stories much more, like why exactly did this happen, like Hince's confession was born because Callie straight up told me she didn't like him and I was like, what the fuck, he loves Alex, he's fucked in the head, but you're really missing the bigger picture. 

And me and Callie had discussed the ending previously and originally it was still quite sad and now it's actually much more… cheerful if you must. Which is really weird because not much changed, the ending is pretty much the same but the feeling of it and setting, I guess. 

I'm literally faced with the fact that I ended up fast pacing the story and now I have to move some scenes much before the story because I ended up thinking I could historically take some events and push them earlier, but yeah, that just doesn't happen xD

So yeah, I was like Callie, how long can I stretch Alex's pneumonia but the thing about To Miles the things which I think are filler end up being important, like as odd as it is to say now but Alex's memories of Matt were nearly filler but they're not. 

I always struggle because I think like Al, because their relationship still started off from rape and that I think is something I'm not sure if I covered properly and I might sometimes defend Hince a bit too much, but it's not something he would be left off the hook, but Hince was never intended to be a light character after a while. 

And I guess this is where I was like "fuck yes, I should do this" when Miles confront about the rape. It was one of those moments. I have them with Miles, like making him Alison's brother, it's like 'oh, shit, that's so fucked up, I'll do it, I though of it, first thought first on paper and left there'. I don't draft maybe while I'm writing the chapter I might go a bit up and write an extra line or phrase, but that's it. 

Jamie's confrontation scene to the sailors was planned as soon as the orgy was written and thought of. Actually both were quite old ideas xD 

I don't think I ever have as much fun as writing Jamie's wonderful speeches. 

I don't know why Miles is such an asshole anymore. I think things really influence you in life and Miles started going downhill when things were going down with my ex and well, I had a pretty nasty realization of someone I guess I thought pure as Miles was seen to Alex. You fuck up, because someone else did. And I guess that still clung onto Miles even if his story is enormous and he's still in Alex's thoughts and Alex is still attracted, which is something I have to fish out, the belief that an asshole would change, because Alex is in a mindset I was months and months ago xD now, I'm more concerned with how the fuck do I make this new thing work, so yeah. But you still dip in your past to write off the misfortune and whatnot.

I never had pneumonia, Callie did and usually when I get very ill, I just feel awful and I think I'll die, so Callie reassured me that she was like Alex when she had pneumonia with the whole odd sense, hallucinations and coughing. 

I wrote this chapter yesterday under such anxiety that I'm surprised I managed, I was terrified that it's been ages because I've been writing so many different stuff and in general my anxiety is being awful with my depression.

I think my favorite part of this chapter which me and Callie even quote is that the hand on Alex's arm is personal, but somehow Hince somehow gets away with it.

And depression sucks and I dunno, I doubt myself too much, but when I do, I just recall that I managed to do a character like Captain Hince and I get some faith in myself, because he is one of the best characters I've created. And I hope is loved as much as I love him, so yeah.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please tell me if you did, as well, my mind is going bonkers, so yeah

Thank you for all your support and love, I never expected to be loved so



To Miles 34

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Broken Black Varnish Requiem 7

Jamie still makes more margaritas. 

“What are you, seventeen to be mixing alcohol later on, Jamie?” I smirk at him, as we stay inside, Jamie sulking that he can’t flirt with Jack, but he doesn’t appear in his garden anyway, as he’s too busy cooking and I wonder how Karen actually is. 

“But do you think he’s interested in men?” Jamie is oblivious to the glance he had given me, as we walked away and I just moan to myself about it, feeling some undisclosed desire coming from his side to taint another wife. I shift in the sofa, Jamie angrily drinking and thinking about his own love life, which apparently he wouldn’t mind a cheater. Doesn’t look like he was open about being polyamorous. I groan. I don’t even answer Jamie’s question as I muse on Jack’s infidelity, as I wonder if it’s even fair, what if he was just an asshole but Karen was aware of his polyamory, then an open relationship is fine, as long a I know-

“Yes, he’s into men!” I nearly scream out and Jamie stops pacing around, wondering how to pounce and realizes that I am solely trying to ignore my own thoughts. I shouldn’t have even thought of him, I should’ve left him there and never talked to him, never let my thoughts wonder when Alex is off to work and I muse too much, since I can’t get pregnant anyway, so all the given time is suddenly lost in purpose waving melancholy to fill in the space. I’m like a bored housewife now. I shouldn’t have painted him as someone well. 

There is no point in throwing things away when depression takes it toll, so Jamie just keeps looking through my wardrobe, too lazy to go back home, which isn’t too far away and he just keeps throwing clothes at me for a while, until I sulk so much that he gets ice cubes for me and he just holds me for a while, rocking, as I try to ease from my own state, from the sharp depression spikes. 

Why do I feel like crying from regret, which I haven’t even done yet? I want to ask Jamie, but I don’t, looking at Alex’s side of the bed and imagining him as he wakes up every morning, shaking me lightly so that I would awake and spend the next hour with him, instead of having sleep dipped in tough depression. 


Sorry that I didn't update earlier, my depression has been a bit bonkers lately and I've had trouble writing because I truly get depressed what if my writing is bad and it eats me. I even painted today to avoid writing and then got depressed that what even my art is bad. It's odd and awful, so yeah. I dunno, if you enjoy anything just poke me, I'm really going up walls these days with everything and anxiety being the cherry on top.

This chapter was written quite a while ago, I'm just spacing out the updates so yeah:3 

I guess what I always liked about this story was Alison's severe depression and sometimes again it just hits you and you don't even know what to do and when you're attracted to someone who you think won't even glance at you twice, it's even worse, because depression will keep nailing you that you're not worth of their attention or anyone's and somehow ice cubes yank you back into reality and make you think maybe

I'm not that bad. But that doesn't last too long either.

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me and I'll have the next chapter up!



Saturday, 16 August 2014

Blue/Jacket 5

“I’m Brazilian.” I just blink in confusion at the sudden information given to me as I just take a small sip. Jamie goes on. “As in, my...” 
He does inverted comas with his fingers. 
“Name technically is Jaime. But it’s fucked up so I just go by the English version.” I keep my awkward silence, as he keeps looking at me interested. I open my mouth. “You don’t have to, it’s your choice neither I think it’s polite to ask about genitals or whatever. I mean, I don’t get asked about my dick size, why should you get that asked... Name as well.” 
I just nod. Jamie taps his fingers against his coffee mug, before drumming against the cigarette box. 
“You feelin’ alright?”
“Yeah.” I order a second coffee and Jamie follows my example. I glance at him as he gets a cigarette and excuses himself, after I tell him to go ahead. The two coffees arrive, my own head fuzzy and at first I don’t look at him through the window, his coat widely opened as he first just smokes, watching the people and even lighting someone else’s cigarette and after that he glances at me, before smirking at our eye contact and he just mockingly heads up to the window and blows smoke at me. I just flip at him, smirking and he just stands there finishing the cigarette and it’s awkward to know that we have nowhere to lean, so he just discards the cigarette and heads back in, getting his coat off and we resume the awkwardness only with no window, Alex deep in my thoughts. Where does Alex fit in then, if I’ve got Jamie on my back? What do I even do if he were to kiss me and it feels weird knowing that I haven’t kissed anyone in a few years, my own lips only touching the cold air and wanting someone else’s. 
What about Alex? And I get anxious that I can’t get myself to knock on Alex’s door and I don’t think I will be, yet here I am with a Brazilian, drinking coffee as he presses his palm against my forehead and I’m still cold and he just ignores his own thinking by drinking more coffee. 
“Why did you move to Sweden?” I ask him.
“I... I was thinking to study, but never did.” He shrugs. “I just... gave up on education. When your university is on a strike and your parents want something out of you, which you can’t give, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. And I get a monthly allowance and will until I die, I just made it smaller to make it last. I don’t want to learn something I won’t need. I just want to live, I guess. I mean I live with Jack, like, not dating, or Alex. I watch them, I get inspired and that’s all I need. I think... when education is forced on you, not given and then you’re left not wanting it at all.”
Jamie smiles and for some reason drums against the mug, spacing out a bit before he focuses his green eyes on mine. 
“And I’m 27. I don’t feel like starting it, anyway.” He smirks and his silence just gives me a while to realize how much younger he looks for his age, as I thought we were the same age. We look at each other for a while, both a bit flushed from sudden attraction. Jamie motions towards me.
“...I just don’t want to go somewhere where I can be bullied for...” I pause. He knows, anyway. “For being trans. And I make a living, anyway, so...”

“Fair enough.” He sighs, a bit relived. “We don’t all end up in education. Ends up being far more harmful.”
Jamie tries to collect the right words.
“Education is very superficial, sometimes... well, I just feel like I missed on a club to...” He widens his eyes. “To be superficial for ever, y’know? But the thing is if something is exclusive, like me being gay wouldn’t fly there, why should I be there? But then I just got traumatized by one country, so maybe I’m too judging.”
“No...I don’t think so.” We both end our coffees as the same time, synchronized as I watch the older man. “All the realizations come anyway sooner or later. Not necessarily after a wank-”
Jamie smirks. 
“Or in a shower, sometimes it’s life, but yeah, usually it’s wanking.” I smirk, flushing at my own change of topic. I scratch my head, still feeling my stomach being swallowed by the bullet wound, as I recall reading by seeing it as a wound, period, I mean. We quickly order more and Jamie watches me, amused, his eyes far too soft- “I mean, I was wanking, just wondering and I kept picturing myself as a bloke and in that split second, before you start cleaning up after yourself-”
I watch him far too much.
“As daft as it is, you realize you’re a bloke and there’s nothing you can do about it. Then you start realizing how all the small changes build a bigger picture, like as if you’re going through some second puberty, only a smaller one, trying to get you back on track on what you’ve missed, like some consolation prize.” I grin, Jamie’s far too close and the cups are quietly placed, not interrupting our date but as soon as I turn, we both jerk closer and just move back, my face red, Jamie’s own thoughts far too scattered and bright, as we stare awkwardly at the liquid, knowing that it’s far too early to drink, also from each other. 
Jamie invites me to smoke with him, as the coffee cools down, as I stand watching him light the seventh cigarette today, as we both know
for whom, looking, we’ve traded our anxiety in. I feel like I’ve grown two anxieties all of a sudden, Alex would leave me breathless in the night as I would wonder and sigh, looking down at my tired chest, if he would ever-
Jamie and Jack know. Would they tell Alex?
“I think it’s a bit disappointing when you see that someone moved on from you, even if you moved on from them.” Jamie mutters, stirring the sugar slowly, watching how the milk still makes shapes. 
Depression enchants me, clutching me tighter and threading it’s dark fingers over me.
“It’s better than realizing that you think much more than a person whose just met you, when you’ve known them.” I say and I feel my bottom lip freeze and that’s when I feel Jamie’s eyes harden on me and I just take a gulp.
“Where do you know Al from?” Jealousy never goes away, we’ll always be jealous of those we loved. Because it’s the feeling which replaced eternity. I look at him a bit lost and I just sigh.
“I dreamt of him. Many many years. He’s the same. The jacket is the same.” My voice shakes. “His One For The Road jacket.”
“...He just bought it.” Jamie still says, as he looks at me with the same confusion and loss as he tries to grasp the whole meaning behind the words, the enigma which I happened to be and he just shrugs, taking a big gulp and looking ahead, before looking back. I did know Alex. 
I wonder how deep does Jamie’s love for Al run and if it’s the valves holding backflow or the walls themselves?
When I started freelancing it was when I realized that there is a huge world beyond 9 to 5 which you don’t get to see in school, because when you’re out you still think just everyone else is out. And seeing Jamie and Al just confirm it’s existence scares me lightly. 

“I’ve always dreamt of him, the way he looks now... He’s always there. I always thought he’d recognize me, because my dreams are so vivid and nothing seemed to add up in life and nothing still does after meeting him.” My heart is in my throat, besides the fact that I try not to think of him not to depress myself when I do tea in the morning, when I put on the binder, knowing that he’s just not interested just because the look in his eyes said so and Jamie’s confusion just confirms everything.

I have nothing to fiddle with in front of me physically or emotionally as well anymore. My thoughts seem to scatter, fear increasing and growing as Jamie just looks at me more confused before looking away and pulling his phone out. I watch him scroll to the top of the contact list-

“No!” I say and I nearly yank the phone out and he looks at me confused, my face flushed, I’m even losing points with him when I’ve lost Alex. He looks at me bewildered, I quickly glance at his lips, my feelings torn and hope deader than dead. I grab the sofa fabric under me, shaking my head. 

“Please don’t-” I stop breathing. 

“Al doesn’t know.” Jamie says and I realize what a mistake I’ve done telling someone who loves Alex deeper than I do and has all rights in doing so. I look down. 

“I-” I don’t know what to say, I feel my ears ringing and my period is making me weaker, cramps slowly making their way up my stomach and I feel as if I could vomit blood if I could, my breath shortening, I always thought I’d have a chance, because why else would you dream of a person so often? Jamie holds his silence and starts flipping his phone in his hands. He presses it against his lips, observing the bored barista scrubbing the coffee cups. “I’m sorry this is ridiculous and he’s your ex, it’s even worse that I’m telling you this.”

I press my face against my hands and I feel some shift and I expect a hand on my back but it takes a longer while and I’m sure he’s hesitating. 

“It’s...not. I mean, some coincidences happen and they hold some deeper meaning who knows why the fuck.” I hear his feet clash against the table leg and he shifts towards me. I feel his breath against my hands. I am scared to even put my hands down. He sighs and I feel him press his lips against my left hand and go back into his initial seating position. “Nothing makes sense until it unfolds. But it’s surely unfolding since you met him, so.”

I remove my hands from my face and I watch him, my face entirely flushed and he’s a bit flushed himself, but tries to calm himself down, fiddling with his short hair and I just look away. 

“Yeah, I guess.” I snap out of it. “Wait, you still don’t mind... me?”

Jamie tilts his head in confusion.

“I mean, you invited me out and-” Jamie nods, getting my daft question. 

“As long as you’re not with him and not cheating on anyone, I don’t give a fuck and I’m single so...” He sighs, shrugging with his shoulders, his voice darkening on the cheating bit. “Watch your back with Al, though. He cheated on me with one of my bestfriends a few years ago... y’know, when we broke up. I mean, if you guys ever date. He’s some fucked up shit...”

He opened his mouth to tell more, but closes it, watching my reaction. 

“Excuse me?” I blink. Al cheating? I try to absorb as much I can of Jamie to get any hints, but he remains silent. He just shrugs again, trying not to open the topic again, as I just watch him and drop it eventually until another question goes in my head. 

“Maybe he was polyamorous?” I suggest shyly, realizing the fine line between cheating and polyamory and Jamie just shakes his head and we’re taking too long in the coffee shop and Jamie motions to go outside and we just start putting on our coats and he helps me stand up, which I don’t seem to struggle much with, but brushing my fingers against his gives me much more food for thought. 

“No. He never wanted to pursue a relationship, it just happened... as he said. I’d rather not now, if you don’t mind. I mean, we’re not yet-” He glances at me and sighs, a small smile with the prospect and I just look away as we make our way out. I try to figure out properly where are we, but I just trust Jamie whose lived here for far more than I have. “Are you polyamorous?”

I shake my head.

“I don’t think so...” I pause. I should spill my secrets. “I never dated too many people. I tried girls.”

I scratch my head shyly.

“That didn’t work, realized it wasn’t my sexuality but rather my gender, well yeah and my sexuality.” I sigh, this is embarassing and I just can’t help but feel a bit wooed by Jamie, who watches me curiously. I pause and resume walking just slower, which makes Jamie even more curious. “I never slept with anyone, I had too much troubles figuring out what the fuck was going on with me.”

Jamie blinks.

“Oh.” I nod. “That it?”

I narrow my eyes, what the fuck.

“I thought you’d tell me you have some weird fetish.” 


“Cool, coz I like choking. C’mon, walk faster, it’ll get cold that way.” He takes me under his arm and I just stare at him amused and I can’t get the image out of him having a chocking fetish. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Jamie just strolls with me, smiling at my reaction before laughing and the fact that he doesn’t deny it doesn’t seem to ease me as he holds my silence to continue laughing and leans in a bit closer before we both just look away

this is getting ridiculous

“This is getting ridiculous.” I say outloud and Jamie just lights another cigarette. 

“I know. Keep it that way, Miles. Amuse both of us.” He holds his gaze, lighting the cigarette and just turns around to make sure the smoke doesn’t go in my face and I look down, letting my smile take me as I see Jamie watch me from the corner of my eye.


I took quite a while writing this and I've been writing it in small portions as well. And I guess with the whole ruckus with homophobia and transphobia I guess I'm happy that I'm pushing this story forward and it's ridiculous that we're all writing about queer men and yeah, this shit happens. 

Anyway, I've always been excited about this story and I'm particularly excited and anxious about a certain scene which should happen soon as I haven't really written that and I haven't seen many (one from the top of my head) so yeah. I wonder if it's obvious.

Anyway, I've been musing on where this story is going, I know regarding the main lines, like Alex and Miles' line but everyone else's fate is still to be decided as this originally started off as a sole milex with no subplots and now it emerged with all of this xD

and yeah, it's funny to write things here which are already mentioned in Start Finding Passion, which is the prequel to Blue/Jacket. Like I don't even know if it's a spoiler regarding what Jamie says in this chapter? xD

I also I guess it's obvious that polyamory is underrepresented, so I'll really see here and bear in mind that I'm poly so I might make my characters more than open to that of course, but I'll see. So that's… spoilerish? I just think about this story a lot and it's funny walking around and thinking where could I stick any of them doing anything, really. 

I think I cover Brazil and Brazil's education and everything more in depth in Start Finding Passion, but it's also really covered here with Jamie, so yeah. 

I guess about this story what I like and what makes me a bit more vulnerable if you wish, is that I really show my dysphoria here and the little joys of like having your voice break lightly or shaving, things like that really make your day. 

And even if there is no Alex in this chapter, finally it's revealed to someone and the plot slowly starts unraveling. Originally I imagined Jack and Jamie in Alex's kitchen as Miles tells them, but I like the way things are going here. 

Dreams are a very odd thing and they predict things, a lot of things are unexplained why exactly they happen. Dreams are a very powerful thing and coincidences don't just happen. 

Ok, this feel enormous describing the backstory xD

I had to do this. I had to mention the fetish. It's been two years I've been writing this fucker and I never mentioned it. XD Anyway, so yeah, there it is xD

I dunno I really enjoy writing Jamie and Miles here even if they don't have the deep connection Alex and Miles have, but that has to slowly unravel, so in the meantime there's everything else and yeah, I love goofy Alex here. I bought some kefir which Alex drinks in the story xD haha, just random fact anyway 

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did:3

Keep checking every day for updates as I've written a bunch of chapters of everything so yeah:3 there should be a new chapter of Gandalf's Inhaler soon by the way:3

So yeah, tell me if you liked it and yeah, you're all cool and awesome and thank you for all your love and support