The illness starts wearing off on Christmas eve, when Jamie brings coffee for both of us and I feel oddly better this morning, my anxiety rising and my mind far too sober, which Jamie explains that the medicine should’ve started working on me properly as he smiles and I can’t even recall what he had said regarding me kissing Miles again. He kisses me softly and I apologize for not having a gift due to my unconscious state and I suggest paying in sex whenever I can, smirking. Jamie mock rants that he’d get sex anyway and we laugh it off as I make space for him on the bed, my hands still trembling.
Maybe the devil did make himself into my guardian angel, but isn’t then when you can see both sides that you can choose?
I don’t really speak much, Miles running in my eyes and I know Jamie’s heard of it and he keeps silent at first, presuming that I’m still ill but only my skin recently is the sole thing which gives it away as I lift myself up. Where does wrong even end? I push myself back down as I feel him pull me closer and I close my eyes. I’m thankful for whatever anyone else is doing and I wonder how deep are we and closer to Christmas. I can’t speak and fear seems to be pounding and I wonder if it’s solely minutes left until Christmas.
“Why does everything keep circulating in my head?” My voice is weak and I notice the few board games I’m guessing he got from the shore to entertain me and the deck of tattered cards which remind me of Alison’s fingers. “Why does everything keep circulating in my head?”
Why do I always search for the devil within someone?
He just watches me as I try to knit words together.
“I had no idea what I was doing.” I try not to repeat myself. I’m not attracted to Miles, I have his face in my head, but Hince had committed worse things, but in the end he had the door open and had apologized and had his eyebrows raised when I had kissed him a few times, wondering which thread was I looping.
I can’t say why does it keep circulating.
It’s swirls. My anxiety mixes with the medicine and the actual drug in front of me.
“I thought I loved him, but I don’t, he’s always in my mind these days, he’s just there, not always in a romantic context but giving me misery as if I have hope to resume with him, when I know he wasn’t here-”
“He visited you a few times.” Jamie’s voice barely breaks as he takes the deck of card and shuffles. I see him take out two Jacks. He’d be a King, right?
“How many did you visit?” He takes out one clubs and one diamonds. He smiles, scratching his stubble before putting out the needed cards and chants under his breath.
“Few times a day, all the time I could. Repeat after me, Al.” I’m nearly in the middle of the circle, Miles two cards behind me, on my side. Hince smirks.
“Leftover feelings.” He points me in the chest. Before I do anything, he quickly gets himself a king of spades and leaves the Jack and quickly shuffles.
“I thought you never fortune told-”
“Alison taught me this one, it’s not really fortune telling, I’m just telling you the present but I guess sometimes the cards can even show in the most untalented. And you get off those who you love.” He smirks, we both don’t flinch, and Miles stands one card behind the circle, Hince one card in front of his initial position. He smiles sadly. “Turner, it takes years and sometimes when it’s someone who fucked up, you always think it’s you. Don’t always take the guilt on yourself, I have a wife. Miles might be your ex, but I’ve got much more baggage.”
His eyes darken as he just shuffles the deck and puts it back in.
“I think accepting each other’s sins is some kind of love. I mean, there’s nothing holy in giving yourself in, I’ll always put you above religion, so I don’t think the sacred object or the obsessed are blessed in God’s eyes.” He starts searching for his cigarettes and stops, as I glance at midnight showing on his watch.
“Miles really fucked you up.”
“He didn’t leave you off the hook either. You went to me after I raped you.” I cringe. He sighs. “I’m not going to deny it.”
“Doesn’t mean we have to always fucking discuss it.” Jamie looks away, flicking a match and looking at the growing flame, fingers holding firm. “Jamie, we killed people. Both you and me are the fucking devil’s advocate. It’s not like we ourselves didn’t do worse things.”
“Casablancas is sleeping around, bear that in mind, as well. We’ll be having a check soon.”
“I didn’t fucking mean we have to discuss our sins, now!” I snap and I look at him. He lights another match. I grab him by the shoulders. I trigger his attention. “Fucking hell, Jamie, ok, what the fuck can we do? You’re just gonna fucking chew on it again? It happened. It fucking happened and it’s even border. Fucking hell, just...”
“Forget it. Miles just mentioned it, that’s why I broke down, because I’m scared. Me and Paul weren’t even as close as this. You fucking brought Scrabble. Paul would just wait to read something, Paul wouldn’t. Fucking hell, Jamie, it happened. It’s not a fucking reason not to-”
“Break up?” He mutters. I stare at him as a deer.
“What the fuck, no?” I raise my voice and I’m bewildered. I grab him by the shoulders.
“I don’t give a fuck what happened. If it weren’t for you, I’d be under the sea with nothing. I’m sorry about Miles. He’s both an ex to us. Fuck him. Exes fuck you up. Fuck this, I love you and -” He’s looking down. I lift his chin up and I kiss him, softly as it escalates lightly.
“I don’t give a fuck what you decide with Alison even if I see you once a week, because I know you love me. I don’t give a shit. Do whatever you want. I’ll always be waiting.”
“I wanted to divorce her.” I blink. “We’re both cheating, what’s the point? Neither are we willing to discuss who it is, we just pass the potato plate.”
Now it’s my turn to blink.
“Isn’t she going to give birth soon?” And he just nods and I hastily add. “Jamie, we both never discussed fidelity.”
“So we’re not a couple, you’re saying?” He says roughly, cigarette in mouth and I watch the smoke escape envious that it had been inside him and that brief moment that it rubs against his lips, blood is far too thick and far too evident.
“No, I’m just saying... I sleep around and so do you.” I cough lightly and that causes Jamie to quickly push me down into the covers and his hair is lightly out of place and we both stare at each other and I can’t help but ease in his dark green eyes, my whole body swelling and I lean in a bit closer and he hesitates, but we hold the kiss, touching tongues for a brief while. Soon enough I won’t even hold. I push his hair back in place and I smile lightly, pushing it heavier under his hat. “I love you so much.”
That my chest aches and there’s nothing else to tell,
The words jumble and become gibberish.
I recall parts of the poem, throughtfully even through fever as I can’t help but push him over me and we both feel excited.
“Alex-” My teeth are on his neck. “You’re still ill. I swear to God, I’ll suck you off once I can.”
I suck on his neck harder, my throat starting to kill me and is strangling it’s own coughing so I let go and I cough, as Jamie goes off me and pulls me close next to him and we spend Christmas on board games and no one disturbs us and once the clock strike midnight he gives me a parcel filled with books and he tells me it’s all he could find which could be anything queer and I smirk at the fact that one is Russian and he explains it was banned, but he found a translation and I read the back of it.
“Oh, age difference. Young boy get intrigued by-”
“Fuck off, Turner.” He kisses my temple.
I slowly start getting better and I notice that Jamie uses the same pattern in scrabble, keeping the letters to form “tion” and then something would eventually come out of it and even if it doesn’t always work he still does it and he gets the bottom of his lips up once he gets it and that’s when it dawns on me that I’m getting better and I slowly do, but it takes longer.
The words jumble and become gibberish.
New Year’s is spent with a drag show done by Carlos and Julian, both of them dancing and I am sitting in the back, blankets all over me and me and Jamie agreed that it’s better if he sits upfront and he would only check on me from while to while, letting his eyes rest on mine and quickly brushing under my ear when no one was looking before heading back to his seat. I can’t help but observe once he leaves and I keep looking at him and I just want to wrap my arms around him.
Miles did decide to sit besides me and it was as if I was sitting besides a funeral and I watched his new shaved head, how he had suddenly seemed to age and slowly sipping the champagne and I wondered how would Jamie deal with his hangover once we agreed to open the wine bottle he smuggled from the shore and I even wondered if the alcohol would actually kill the bacteria or if all was an excuse for me and Jamie to drink. I wrap myself heavier, thinking of Jamie riding me and I’m all covered, thankfully.
I jerk my head to look at Miles, whose gaze is still firmly locked at the dancing Julian and now Jonny seems to be strumming the guitar, looking ahead as if he’d seen a ghost and I just look at my former lover. I wonder how much do feelings burn?
"I think we both should be. We both saw you as an escape-" And with that the match is struck, the forest already being burnt to the dawn and for a mist to avoid visibility.
"Speak for yourself, Kane." I spit out, my throat still swollen and the laughter becomes as much noise as the jokes. He sours up but there’s too much warm traces in his eyes but I don’t know for which of his former lovers.
"Come on, Turner, out of all us, you sent out the most men with you never even laying a hand on women. You pretend to be this…" He struggles on words and gets a sip. "Young sailor who just decided to try what another man’s tongue tastes like and everyone falls for it, me-"
He swallows. “Included.” But he had more to add.
"Hince." Miles adds and I smirk.
"You went for him underage, how old were you fourteen, Miles? I barely knew my sexuality back then, all I knew was that I liked men, but I wasn’t on my knees sucking someone off." I snap.
"I didn’t send him to his death, did I?" He raises his voice but we quickly hiss at each other to avoid any confrontation from any sailor and everyone is too busy laughing at Thom in a dress doing the cancan by himself.
"You were also on the job. You don’t know what happened to the men you sent off…" I lock eyes on him and lean closer, wrapping the blankets closer around me. "And neither do you. I know the sins I commit, you don’t."
“So I know what to confess if I were to have to, you don’t and you don’t even think of the sins, Kane.” And I sit up, blankets around me and I want to move towards Jamie, but instead I sit back down to see Miles exit for a smoke and I am thankful that the rest of the drag show it’s only me and Jamie quickly looking back, but I try to smile, Miles still printed in my thoughts, the forest can never be fully burnt down, a phoenix always emerges, Miles is the first love which is the baby to kill and you will never split in two due to your own stupidity.
The drag shown ends with applauses and Hince approaching me, hand on shoulder, telling me to get better and Brian holding a smile but soon enough they leave and I just recite his poem in my head, all the words worn in my hair, all the love felt that I feel intoxicated and I just go to my bunk for the first time. Thom and Jonny pat me on the back, as Julian and Carlos throw two rock candies at me and I thank them, Carlos muttering that I’m still far away from my duties. I struggle to sleep, as if I have never left the bunk and I wait hastily until I can slip out. I brush my teeth once I can leave and I look at the mirror, before the spoken devil, Miles appears, as I recall the fight. I shouldn’t say that name. Miles is just a wanker, but then what is religion and where is the supernatural, because cards which predict fate is a sin?
"Love is a game, Turner and I know all your pieces." Of course he speaks. He tells me when I bump into him in the bathroom, so I wash my face thoroughly as he watches, hesitating to leave.
"You know we will collide. It’s like a fucked up three piece. I would’ve have Hince on my tail." He taunts me and he just irritates me and I can’t swat the fly, I turn around. There is no Jamie to hold me down and all feelings are revealed.
Before I object.
"He married my sister and refused to divorce."
“And?” And Miles leave, as if that was ever a reason to leave someone you love, not when everything is wrong by being gay. It’s not like I could ever be Alison and the thought stings me for a while, but there is nothing I can do. And fidelity is such a stretched word, while love is precise. Love is blood, I poke my bottom lip, which is bleeding and I wonder if it’s Miles or some wound I will never be aware of.
I've been really anxious about updating it, kind of that effect where "wait, people expect me to write something good" so I've been anxiously avoiding it and doing other projects and as you can see I've been posting new things every day, because I've been writing quite frantically and it gives me great pleasure and all encouragements help me a lot, so thank you *bows*
I guess what I love about To Miles is how everyone has their own choice of who they like Alex with and I think I'm more than obvious in my own xD but the story goes on it's own, sometimes it goes the way I ship, sometimes it doesn't.
So in general I realized that I rushed many things a bit too ahead so I'm quite stuck with a big gap and while me and Callie were biking back (Callie helps me with the war bits and war strategy) we solved the next few months here as I need a specific month, so that was holding me back and in general I quite enjoy Alex and Hince and I was worried that people preferred milex in this story, which well, this story is still milex, but Alex ended up being poly, maybe that's what happens, your characters take too many things in without you realizing it. So yeah. But I'm surprised at the large fan base Miles has at the moment and he is still one of my favourite characters I just don't think right now he's at his best and I was getting worried that all three of them always change roles and it's quite interesting how Miles tries to shove that Alex is the one worst of them all.
I need to kill months of time so Alex's pneumonia was a bit, yeah, I need time but was planned and I needed his foggy state and that kiss he had shared with Miles.
Again, I'm sorry that it took me a while and since November is not too far away, To Miles is again for Nanowrimo meaning one chapter per day and I'll have to do another 50k of it xD there's a lot to tell and the timeframe of the story expended ridiculously and the epilogue is enormous as well, as I need to cover what happens to everyone and don't forget that I might've spoiled to a few (I can't recall) but one of the main points or plots of To Miles was making it a bit more of historical fiction so that will involve me and Callie (besides the whole biking talk) fully doing a full strategy on everything. So there's the second part which I haven't reached so I can't even publish this part and it's reaching 100k xD and many characters come as war comes and of course, there's the deaths. What I found interesting is that no one guessed one of the biggest deaths and I've had people suggest who they thought it might be, there will be quite a few, so don't worry Callie pesters about that death to me every morning or if I ask if she's ok she'll go "YOU KILLED (insert character)" so yeah, there's that xD
so Nanowrimo should go to the second part, I'm not sure if To Miles will be finished by then because the second part is huge as well, I hope no one minds me talking like all mysteriously what awaits?
Also I get sad that a bunch of characters can't appear yet, so yeah when me and Callie already ship some and make jokes.
My pneumonia description is again thanks to Callie. She says I give her too much credit but as much as I enjoy WWII I know more of the Russian side obviously, so she really told me a bunch while we would talk until 11 am for 28 hours straight (we were awful xD that's what happened when we were LDR) and exchange what we knew from which side of the war. So she's quite the war helper here xD
I just had the vision of both of them doing that fortune telling and it's a very simple one and I decided ah, fuck it, it's done by children as well even if I use it seriously (but I'm a fortune teller) and I rarely use it, but I still did it. So if you ever want to do it, get a new deck of playing cards and just ask me to tell and I'll explain how xD I guess XD or if you ever meet me I'll do it for you xD on my deck of course.
Lovers are connected, so I figured some of fortune telling could rub off onto Jamie, because Callie gets predicting dreams because she is my lover, so I figured, why not.
I wrote the drag show scene and on in a bus, as we were going back from this city where I wanted to but my picks (I had one fucking pick and I have no idea where I put it, but they didn't have mine, surprise surprise I play the one Hince does and we bought Callie's so yeah) so yeah, there's that. And I wrote in the bus, because I was nervous and then the whole scene unravelled in my head.
Also one thing I realized was that they both had a silent agreement on an open relationship where they barely talk about each other's partners, well, they do, but it's still a classic open relationship and yeah, I found that interesting.
I've been writing love poems, but they're addressed to people and it's always hard to write a poem from one character to another, I should really do that, but if this is Alex's journal and as it's said the whole idea of the story was his account and retelling to Miles, he wouldn't include Hince's poem which was written to him to Miles.
Jamie gave Alex "Wings" by Vlamdimir Kuzmin, which if you ever have a chance you should get. I read it in Russian and it was amazing, so I don't know the translation and it was a few months ago and it's an amazing novel and it had a bit of a Hince-Alex feel to it, which I liked. I should really resume reading Mishima, I downloaded it online but I'm an ass I hate reading online books, like fanfiction, cool, but books, dunno, I've been reading Gryles fanfiction anyway and I noticed that they skipped some things in their love line and I was like… I will keep my mouth shut, that pie was not for Harry. Anyway, I'm trailing off and I wish people would be more discreet 8) I'm trying.
Actually, I am a big board game fan and I was happy reading in some random interview that Jamie enjoyed scrabble and had this whole idea of keeping the "tion" (I haven't tried it yet, I'll confess) so that fact was really taken from real life xD
Callie noted a funny thing, that Brian is much shorter than Jamie in life, so that gives a contrast as well in the scene where Brian has the "I know you're fucking Hince" smile to Alex.
I like the whole theme of fidelity and I have been touching it a lot and yeah, I've been in a closed/open relationship with Callie and I'm always "hey, Callie, yeah there's that and that" so yeah.
And I honestly hoped you enjoyed this chapter and there is more updates of To Miles to come and a beloved character will be in the spotlight again and more things of everyone's past will emerge :3
I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so as I love To Miles so much
thank you for all your support, you make me through the days and life, with the fact that apparently I do yours with words, imagination and sole representation of queer men and people
To Miles 35
To Miles 35