Tuesday, 22 December 2015

the animal seven

I felt odd the next couple of days, giving myself too much candy and feeling awful guilt as apparently Dick hadn’t broken up with his boyfriend and he had told me when I asked him that he was indeed in an exclusive relationship with his boyfriend, just shrugging at whatever I could throw at him and that’s when I realized that I should really keep my damn nose out of it. I wasn’t now the one to condone cheating because I had done it holding hands with Dick. 

I tried to get my mind off it by hanging out more with Lazarus, who was complaining that I hadn’t been writing enough in the notebook, but I just replied with a sole that life can be boring and the past few days have just happened to be so as well, to which he replied that I was a fool and that I should admit the guilt which I have been spoon feeding myself just because of a spurt of tension I had slept with Dick and since I had no intentions of continuing it was fucking my mind up. Maybe I just wasn’t the hooking up type and that’s why it was really screwing with my head so badly. I wondered then how would the hooking up type be, but I had stayed away from Dick as he himself had found it weird, that I had decided to eat breakfast in my room instead of sitting with him. 

Then the trans man still in his starry pajamas just knocked on my door, allowing himself in like he always would. The only awkward person had been me. He asked me whether I had wanted to talk about it because he still valued my friendship.

I think we all have to make note that we’ve still all got friends, maybe not in the ways that we want to, but we still do, sometimes we’ve got them far away, sometimes we meet them online, but they’re still close to us regardless and Dick had happened to be my friend, who I had screwed and that in the end was the thing screwing with my head. I just remained seated on my bed, since that was all that we’d gotten from Peter. I suddenly felt ridiculously anxious and a bit guilty that I had described it all rather vividly in the notebook which I’d also given to Lazarus to read in his own pleasure. I wasn’t sure how much he enjoyed the gay shenanigans, but he seemed rather intrigued in how it was to share an apartment since he had gotten his from his grandparents. I was always jealous of those which didn’t have to search, as I was struck with some eternal thought that I’d always be searching or at least for a good while. Looking back at my notes it feels as if I was talking about something else like love, but it’s something as simple as an apartment really. But I wouldn’t want to split it with anyone at all, because then it wouldn’t hold a point of having your own apartment. I dreamt of it far too often, getting bored of all the other men in the apartment, getting bored of all their antics, as Julien and Nathan got into another fight again.

This one felt as if it was scripted before and well thought through because no blood was spilled and they made sure not to hit each other hard enough, as if it was a bit more allowed just because they had both not managed to ruin any part of Peter’s property. 

I had met Julien while waiting for a train and he had a bruise under his lip after the fight. He just approached me, grinning and offering to spend time together. During the whole train trip he didn’t blink an eye and kept looking outside, as I kept scribbling and he asked me if he could ever read everything I’ve written, but I just shook my head at the curly haired Julien. He just shrugged, as if knowing that one day I would do the crucial decision of showing or not. But he had been mentioned here, while showing it to Lazarus who had barely cared was much easier for the sole fact that I didn’t have a proper relationship with him. We were just two people who ended up being friends and he would listen to all my shenanigans. Hell, I’ve even written here that Julien doesn’t have a pretty face. I just apologized again for not showing all the scribbles, but instead Julien was now on his phone, texting someone from what I understood his quick typing and grinning, as the train filled up. 

When we reached the centre stop there were far too many people, so we ended up going opposite direction apparently as when I looked behind me I couldn’t find him. I got sad by the events and I started wondering as I was walking around with the people slowing down with their count as the streets would become less crowded, the cars a bit less existent and just standing all over the place. That was the usual depiction of an ending day. I had wondered if I should head back and he was just there waiting for me. 

I felt an intense curiosity as I sat on the stairs of the soon to be closed mall in the pitch black afternoon, whether Julien was actually being friendly or perhaps a bit more, but I didn’t seem to understand his sexuality just yet, as he simply just wandered around life quietly and I didn’t hear much of him in his room besides some loud laughter as he would take a call from while to while, but he was as quiet as if he was never there. 

I got far too sad and I couldn’t help but wonder what had ran through Julien’s head on whether he was interested in me, but then I was running too much ahead and everyone knows that the easiest way to kill time was to fall in love or believe that you are. It was an easy and sweet getaway to just believe that something exciting would be rushing your blood, but even if it never happened that’s just how we all survived all the school years, so how come adulthood was any different? We clung onto love because it was such a great placebo with all the side effects. 

Reading through, I didn’t end up telling all about how Dick had talked to me, he just told me how he didn’t want a plain fuck to ruin our friendship, that it was just a one time thing and he really didn’t want to explain this again, he had mumbled it, feeling a bit guilty but I just stared at him. I just chipped in saying that I didn’t have any feelings anyway, just that it was weird to hold him in my arms, to which Dick grinned saying that most likely it was my first hook up, to which I had nodded. He seemed even more amused by me and said that if I ever felt like it again, I was more than welcome to screw him or get screwed. I thanked him and our conversation was over. The next morning we had breakfast together and he was flicking viciously through the television, stopping on the Simpsons, laughing at their jokes which I thought could’ve been off until I realized that he was back to being genuine around me which somehow eased me up and was nearly erasing the uneasiness I was feeling towards him. 

Now when it came back to Julien and his whereabouts I had no idea, so I ended up walking around the city centre again, just because I had thought that those were his plans originally, hoping to bump into him. Instead I ended up going into the Sci-Fi store with a weird hunch and it ended up being true, as I saw the curly haired man browsing through some comics and then he just chose something, going to a corner and then I saw him peeling off something before sneaking into his bag.



This chapter is a bit shorter than the rest, because I didn't want to interrupt the scene, so I figured that I'll drag some anticipation here >.>

I wanted to make all the characters imperfect in many ways and kind of make them unstandable (sort of), the point was to make them very very human and flawed. That's why I gave Julien shoplifting, to be very honest. 

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you did, please tell me so in the comment section below. You'll make my day.

Thank you



Wednesday, 16 December 2015

the animal six

I was ridiculously horny that day, which would explain all my following actions and the fact that I was sucking on some lollypop from a pick and mix I had bought earlier, wondering if a simple jerking off would do, but my mind was wandering too much, a bit of a disastrous twist when you start wondering if the porn you’re watching is adventurous enough and then I had decided to download Grindr, musing out nearly out loud with the tune of the Kardashians which I was more than positive that Peter was watching in his breaks of watching it and playing Black Ops on his Xbox. The idea was awfully shallow and I had taken the consequences that I would be pretty much regretting a plain hookup even if there were plenty of men in my area and I had much more than a gut feeling that I would run into them at Coop while choosing ice cream or picking bananas, but when you’re horny, you’re not thinking.

Neither was I thinking when I was biting the lollypop and saw a familiar small neck tattoo on it a few meters away from me, getting closer and that’s how I found out that Dick was cheating on his own dick of a boyfriend. I didn’t know if they had some sort of agreement (I always picture Richie from Looking asking that to Patrick, dunno why, I probably want to bang the fucker far too much). I kept biting until I reached the stick and I was with a big boner as well and also with the idea that I could score a quick shag and I had known that he wasn’t interested in me, so just spicing up a bad friendship didn’t seem like a bad idea. If I had known that Lazarus was gay, I would’ve done him as well at this point. So I pick up the phone, take a sort of flattering photo of me biting the stick of the lollypop, hesitate before sending it to Dick, it’s one of those moments in life where I just show the notebook to Lazarus later and he tells me that I’m fucked up and asks how was it as I sit on his floor and he sits in front of his PlayStation, racing some older Sonic game in a matching t-shirt, as if to symbolize or emphasize his love for Sonic, which is already pretty big. 

So I had the last moment of regret and anxiety and I still messaged Dick and most of it was because I was horny, I wanted sex, that was it. 

He didn’t get back to me right away, which caused me to consider that maybe my hand was the best and most trustworthy partner of all since I couldn’t even get laid by a roommate who didn’t care about me. 

Dick first went into his room with all the junk groceries, to make all the crisp shrines and stick all the cookies in the right places and that’s when I heard a knock on my door with Dick looking at me a bit confused, but he seemed to have shrugged it off by the time he headed towards mine. He motioned to his room. He locked the door as I sat on his bed. Dick told me he’d be in his binder and he was okay with me touching him down there and that he’d do it through the back door, because he wasn’t feeling like a top today and if that was okay with him. It felt a bit odd how Grindr hookups would work, but it was laid out I guess and with everything entirely on the table with all the fetishes. 

Dick took a sip of water from a cup, feeling a bit uneasy and I wondered if it was me or if it was him, but I had really no idea what to do with the fellow trans man with his undercut. He sat next to me and I think that’s when our nerves got the best of us, that’s one split second when you think if you’ve actually got some tension between you, before you unwrap that disaster of a first kiss, he got the strands of my hair out of the way, tugging on my small ponytail and letting it loose. We stared at each other for a while, as I stared into his hazel eyes and I figured that it’s a part of the experience to have some tension and let you believe in some love before you actually get to the deed. Then he leaned in and I won’t ever say that it was bleak, but it had started filling up with some ridiculousness of the choice of the situation and how we were all about to dissolve in a very sexual manner. 

The older man had pushed me down, straddling me, opening a drawer near the bed and taking out the condom. I wondered how many men had sneaked into this apartment for him to cheat on his boyfriend or maybe they had been over for a while and I had no idea? I wondered why did I care as he leaned back down to kiss me again, with tongue and all. 

Lazarus came into my mind again and how he would react. 

I pushed the odd neighbour away, but I felt as if everyone who I had known were now staring at me and wondering, why the fuck was I about to fuck Dick?

I flipped him over, running a hand down his body, knowing that the binder will still be on. I apologized for not knowing how to touch if anything, but it seemed a bit straightforward as he had shown me how, it felt different but it certainly didn’t feel any less gay. I didn’t know how could anyone even claim that. It made me furious and still does. But now Dick was in my head and his hand in my pants, stroking. He put on a condom on me and went down on me. Dick was about my height, so I just motioned with a hand that we could try and 69 to which he shrugged and did it. I felt clumsy, following directions, but in the end I got a hang of it but I was clearly getting more bothered than Dick was by all the directions, as I had felt a bit horrid that I was completely lost in the beginning. Dick on the other hand had a pure knowledge of what he was doing, I had to hold myself down from coming in his mouth, so he had stopped. He looked at me through half closed eyes and sweating, holding his moans with biting his mouth and his hair was all tussled despite all the hair products I had known he had used every single damn day. I pinned him down again, moaning against his mouth as I stroked him again, now letting my fingers go inside him as he had asked. Now he was touching himself as I had now been about to enter him. 

I kissed him again before positioning myself properly and I watched him touch himself for a while, kissing him right above the hemline of his black binder and travelling up to his lips. I went inside Dick, as he moaned outright and loud that I wondered if anyone would actually hear it or if there was a chance that his boyfriend would come in and it dawned on me that I as the one time lover was as much to blame as poor Dick was. I looked down at him, as I was thrusting, heavily turned on by him and he kept pulling me down with his teeth on my lip to kiss. I slowed down just to torture him, as we both just felt even far more frustrated. I kept going slower and slower until I heard Dick moan and then cover his mouth as he came, squirting, digging his other hand into my hip heavily that it ached and I came, watching him and closing my eyes. 

We unrolled of each other after a while, breathing now stabilized. I helped Dick remove the covers and offered to give him my today’s laundry slot, thanking him again with an odd kiss which felt like Cinderella’s carriage turned pumpkin. We both sat there in the laundry room, watching the sheets spin, as if reminding us that the sex was now done and neither of us felt horny again. I glanced back at him, sighing, as he didn’t look back at me. Dick thanked me for the sex. I nodded, feeling a bit odd and that’s when I had decided to go to Lazarus and show him all of my notes, including the sex scene which I had explicitly written down. Lazarus emphasized that he was straight, but that I should if I could maybe become an erotica writer since I had decided to capture everything. 

Lazarus greeted me with the sounds of a new My Little Pony episode in the background, as we were watching it with some idiot’s commentary and I sat down there to watch all of the ponies’ shenanigans, as he flicked through the small gray notebook reading it. I felt a bit odd about Dick right now, but I knew that just like Cinderella’s carriage I didn’t want the night back and I was okay with just dancing with the Prince once. 


I am desperately missing the animal.

I know, I've been terribly behind on posting things. I ended up with a a root canal which is still not fixed, but I've went through phase one, so I feel much better now. I was pretty much a ball of pain for several days so I didn't manage to post anything. I've been terribly tired and everything, so I've been off schedule but now I'm back. 

I'm terribly sorry and if you enjoy the story please tell me so, so it doesn't feel like no one is reading it. 

I've been terribly missing the animal and me and Callie keep discussing it a lot. Also since the apartment situation is such a reality I miss ranting about it. 

This chapter is the only thing which was divided as it was written. Dick was originally not going to be big of a character as I was planning the story, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to include a trans man at all to avoid my dysphoria. I didn't want a sex scene because I thought that it would trigger me, but as I kept writing Dick I fell in love with the character and wanted to fuck some shit up xD Dick is also some idealistic form of myself, somewhat close to how I'd like to look when I imagine him. He's amazing, I dunno I just love him loads. 

Also, I know that Julien isn't a lot in this chapter, but Julien's appearence was inspired when I had seen a photo taken by Hedi Slimane of Louis Garrel (yes, from The Dreamers) but it didn't register in my head and you couldn't see his face properly so I pictured Julien differently, but based off dear Louis. I'll keep silent about more about Julien for now. Also the name came to me with that said photo. 

I believe I was horny when I wrote this. 

I also tend to stick everyone into Coop, for some reason. This is beyond me. Usually you shop around and the supermarkets tend to stick together very often, so you can pop in one and then to the other. 

It was written fast and yeah. I hope you enjoyed it :3

Please please tell me if you did so



Tuesday, 8 December 2015

the animal five

I try not to spend that much money these days for the sole reason that I need to last, even if I hadn’t held and after Julien had found me we went to the alcohol store and we just started buying so much booze, saying out loud what we could mix with what and that ended up being a very big cheque along with my ID getting checked and I had to thank that I had taken time off before storming off from university, so that I was over twenty to buy everything that my heart desired and Julien himself was happy at that small coincidence we had forgotten on our way there. So we had taken the long ride with all the bottles clinking and I couldn’t get myself to ask anything about Julien and he just stared as I was writing in the notebook, but figured that it was some odd adolescent poetry perhaps. He was nice to look at when he closed his eyes and his legs were against the opposite chairs and I wondered how long he would sleep, as I just continued staring at him while scribbling. He was all dressed in black today and I couldn’t understand what the branding was, but he seemed to come from somewhere with money as he had the latest iPhone and I couldn’t help but wonder why did he leave?

Neither of us spoke much about the past besides Dick sometimes, but he would mostly just moan that it was a nightmare once he came out to his parents which were mostly unforgiving. Maybe because we had all known that something had brought us here and if one would ask, the others would follow and there had been just a sole mutual silence. We didn’t even know what to talk about sometimes, like Peter had decided to bring us all together and said that it mandatory that we all would come out from our little rooms into the kitchen (Peter had lived in the living room, so that had been taken). We were all dragged out to play Monopoly and because we all didn’t talk much to each other, we just remained silent and kept such until our turn was made. 

Julien asked if we would be betting to which Peter replied that he has no interest in losing money to us under any circumstances. Peter just like any landlord was a greedy cunt, whenever he’d offer to drive you somewhere you’d end up with a 200kr bill, at least by the end of it and he’d remind me that nothing in this life is free. That happened to me once and I was more than thankful that I had my wallet on me because I had just wanted to try and feed the ducks nearby and because it was snowing Peter had offered me the ride, which I had presumed was free. 

The silence had been so pregnant that it was Dick who had decided to break it, with bed hair and presumed that his day had gone well since he had been sleeping and I had been the one to wake up the poor trans man as Peter had asked me to wake him up. I wondered if he had slept so long every day and what was the source of his income, I knew that he would do videos and sometimes with his boyfriend, but I was positive that he wasn’t that big to get his wallet filled. 

When I woke him up or rather when he opened the door I saw the Ouija board in the corner, which I knew he wouldn’t mind if I would address it in front of the rest, he was a bit sleepily surprised when I asked about it, but just shrugged, saying that he didn’t mind talking to someone every once in a while and he had a medium friend who gave it to him because the other would get possessed by demons in his household, so it was Dick’s now. 

After the game of Monopoly (because Dick talking about ghosts is far more amusing than 6 grown men just rolling dice and Peter getting so agitated about the game which had lasted up to 2 am in the morning) Dick had called me in, asking if I was curious about his Ouija board still, but instead I had said that I actually wanted to stay away from such things and wasn’t Dick concerned that it would haunt the house? Dick said that the house wasn’t haunted, but there was some entity which he would flirt with. He joked that it was some genderless ghost because they would get angry when asked about the gender and Dick had proceeded to flirt with them whenever he would get bored, a bit too amused and knowledgeable on what to do if things got out of hand by his friend. I wondered who this friend was, but Dick said that they lived in a different city now, also jumping around from city to city in searches of apartments and places to live. It wasn’t just the capital which was a pain to find a location where to live. 

Dick’s boyfriend had showed up again in the night, bringing the ridiculous amount of eggs for his lover, as the eggs would eventually show up on Frank’s porch since he was the egg eater and now that he had lost his job, he was thankful to Dick for the small chip in. He would cook them at the precise 4 o’clock in the morning, resembling the cock he was. 

I took a small bath, far too tired and Dick had been knocking on the door, so I didn’t bother and I was covered in bubbles anyway, he had decided to come in and lean sitting against the wall, musing out loud if he should dye his dark hair blonde for a change and I just shrugged, dunking myself in further into the water, feeling far too tired and feeling every single muscle ache in my body, as I was used to showering but today I didn’t care of the hygiene, all I wanted to was to somehow relax and listen to Dick’s now ghost stories, as I would still hear his loud voice from underwater and soon enough, when the bubbles had gotten thinner even Julien joined in and he sat on the lid of the toilet instead, giving Dick the courtesy of the floor which he was now laying diagonally spread out on. I watched the two men and I had barely known their ages, besides Dick who had declared to be 24 just now. Julien claimed to be younger than that, scratching his eye and I was just a bit over 20. 

In the night all of Nathan’s three cats had decided to raid Julien’s room or at least attempt to and the whole night I had to stand sleeping through the noises of cats scratching here and there, meowing or crying. What is the sound of a cat crying anyway? Was that crying? I never had a cat so I couldn’t differ if they were hungry for Julien’s flesh or if there were actually trying to pray to his ghost since perhaps he was death and no reactions were coming out of his room at the three felines viciously scratching at the damned door. 

Then at four Frank had cooking with his old habits dying hard since now he had nowhere to go and nowhere to work. I could hear the cats shift now to the kitchen, they didn’t sound interested at all in his eggs, but it seemed that now they decided to stay and keep company to the second person who worked out in our home, after Dick of course, I wondered if Nathan’s cats and Frank would ever actually become friends or if they were just solely plotting against poor Julien which had an allergy to everything in the household apparently. 

That morning Nathan had gone and the parcels were left alone for his cats to chew on and I was the one who took the mail, not caring far too much and surprised at the letter addressed to Max. I had no one who would even write or even care for me, at this point university had started and my mother had stopped calling, probably understanding where I had hidden or maybe she just had a bad gut feeling that I was dead and she would be doing my funeral and who doesn’t love flowers on their humble grave? So I had decided to take and actually open the letter which had Max on it and I opened it to reveal vintage porn magazines with an eBay receipt or invoice. I looked at the address again, it was ours but it was for a Maximus Erectus which was surely not my name and I just left the poor envelope open at the kitchen, closing it briefly with duct tape and not bothering to close it other than enough for someone not to see what was in it. I stayed in the kitchen, hoping for the Maximus Erectus of our apartment to show up, but I had gotten hungry for some nachos so I headed out to the Coop nearby instead, pretty much giving up and seeing all of the advent calendars and Santas even if we had just dipped into the beginning of November, that had apparently been enough for the poor Maximus Erectus to get out of his cave and retrieve his treasure of vintage porn and for me to never find out who was it. 

Then there was a scandal that apparently that morning Nathan’s cats had been fed licorice by Frank and that caused a whole frenzy and another fistfight which led a ceramic Eiffel tower statue to collapse and both had to pay double the amount to Peter, who was yelling until it was time for Frank’s breakfast. Licorice had to be healthier for the cats rather than Dick’s addiction to Lindt, which I had seen him hogging in Coop that day. 

Then as I had come back, not only the letter was gone but a second statue was broken by the same Nathan but Julien this time and they were forced to pick up the shards with their fingers, allowing some blood to come again at the carpet, friendly reminder that you can’t complain on your landlord because you’ve got nowhere to go, that’s why we all keep silent on whatever Peter causes us to do and thank the Lord that we’re not paying high fees on a boat hotel which has no kitchen. That’s all I’ve got to say about the apartment situation which the notebook has lived and breathed and been sewn into. The fucking Eiffel tower wasn’t forgotten as Julien was asked to find a similar one on eBay and we all had to pay it out of our pockets, solely because he hates us with no rent discount. It wasn’t too expensive but even five was a bit too much for that shitty tower and we all had to give Julien the fiver and he then bought it on his card. 


This chapter is longer because the next chapter is actually the only part of the story which was divided from the rest. I hope you enjoyed it!

Landlords are always friendly at first with games, then all hell lets loose :) (I hope the smilie conveys my dead eyes xD) 

The idea of giving Dick an ouija board and the friend he mentions was actually a small nod to 500 another story, a fanfiction of mine which was set in a specific region of Sweden where me and Callie lived in for a bit which was very very and I mean very haunted, which gives the background to the story and is based on some real events which we've seen there. 

Also stuff like paying landlords money for rides was things I had encountered but I'm not writing those out of spite, there's plenty I write out of spite about xD

I don't have much backstory because all is told and all was brainstormed really xD

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so in a comment below or social media:)



Thursday, 3 December 2015

the animal four

That night I had heard Lazarus watching My Little Pony as usual and singing like all the bad youtube videos which feature it. I had sat next to him once just to watch it and it just gave me a wave of nostalgia, since the creator had been the one who worked with the Powerpuff Girls, which I had discussed with Dick once and he replied that he has a hunch that Buttercup is a trans man and I just nodded, thinking of that conclusion myself. 

We do have fights and usually they’re between the same people that being Nathan and Julien. For some reason every time Julien would open the door and call out for the older man to get his pizza, that would end up with bruised noses and the only person who would stand up to them would be Peter with the sole fact that he wouldn’t want anything bloody on the carpets, but until blood starts gushing no one else really cares. The last fight started out and dragged from the staircase into the corridor, with the pizza lying forgotten and Dick not spitting into it for once. Instead both him and his boyfriend headed out of their room to look at the fight. The boyfriend now graced our apartment every time with a t-shirt which had said “down with cis” which was clearly a really bad joke and meme, but the guy found it somehow something to take to heart and he had worn it to us, while glaring at me. Maybe he had some stashed jealousy because Dick had started talking to me sometimes and he had asked me to check out the back of his head when he was trimming it once. Was that intimate enough?

I didn’t think so, but apparently that had been enough for the said boyfriend to wear a “down with cis” t-shirt print, it was a pink shirt with the letters in black and I was offended that it didn’t come with comic sans, but alas nothing can be true perfection. Nathan and Julien kept beating each other up with Peter screaming that no blood should go on the camel coloured carpets which graced the entire apartment, uniting it with some camel bond, maybe we were all lost camels wondering in the desert of life in this apartment. 

When it came to family, with enough pestering Dick had told me about the rest and told me that he wasn’t in any speaking terms, due to his transition and same for his boyfriend and this was uttered as the other boyfriend was drinking coffee. Dick just scratched his neck, widening his eyes at his boyfriend, probably mentioning that he should be nicer to the other flatmates, since we were all like a fucked up family now and until we would find something else we would be entirely stuck together. His boyfriend didn’t talk to his family either and the shirt just seemed to justify that fact in my head. Peter actually kept in touch with his entire family and now I recalled that I had seen his mom once and they were both smoking in the kitchen together, gossiping about something. 

Julien never spoke of his family so both me and Dick assumed that there was surely some bone to pick there, but we kept it as such, both holding some silence as if assuming that either of us will find out and then tell the other. I didn’t even notice until now properly that me and Dick had managed to talk actually quite a lot and gossip about the rest and I presumed Julien and Nathan would gossip, since sometimes they would pick up their laundry together. I just assumed that Nathan had talked to Julien for the sole fact that he was interested in young men still and that was what drove their friendship, but Julien perhaps was too straight to care or even notice the older man’s endeavors towards him. He would try to talk of his army experience to Julien, but the younger man had none of it and would just excuse himself to eat some jam. Even I would listen to for the fuck.

Frank still kept in touch with his family, even if every single time he would call them you would hear angry screeching on the phone on how they had regretted that he had gotten his ex-wife pregnant, make note that Frank is 21 and already divorced and with a child. 

The days went on and I couldn't force myself to start looking for a job as I had seen Frank rapidly reject interviews and that made me wonder if I even wanted to go through the same process, but I was in the pile where I had no experience and I had no idea what would anyone ask of me and what joy would I even bring to any company’s table. I knew that sooner or later my money would run out, but until it would start tipping the sand watch significantly I had no intentions of doing so. 

Nathan had actually decided to talk to me and that was just once, when some religious folk had decided that it was more than enough of a household to choose, he had called out my name and started screaming how they should talk to another gay in the house, who wasn’t him. They had started talking on how much the country had sinned, that we were damned and that they believed that this was a normal household and were thankful that the older man had chosen me to listen to them, that I would soon be on God’s path even if I was a filthy sinner for being gay. I had to stand there and listen to them, just picturing Julien and Nathan’s bloody fight earlier, as they both had to scrub the blood out with toothbrushes because that was the choice of weapon which Peter had assigned for them, since they weren’t his mate Frank. So I kept listening and listening and they kept talking and talking even if my head was already on the door frame and I couldn’t stand listening any longer. That’s when they left, with giving me a free book on how to save myself on judgement day (hide from the meteors for instance). 

I had no idea what to do with the book other than to give it to Lazarus, who had an extensive book collection of first edition of Dickens for some reason, which he would mainly acquire when he travelled to the UK for no particular to me reason because he hadn’t told me until I was actually writing this and apparently as he was growing up his father had read Dickens to him back when he was small. That was the sole reason and that had built enough love in his chest. I had a teacher who couldn’t stand Dickens and confessed that to me when I was struggling with him, that some people just have authors they cannot stand and apparently we both shared that with Dickens. Lazarus was curious about my small notebook where I scribble all of this and he eased down once I told him that the names were altered, he doesn’t care about the actions, because of all the rest, he had stated, he is the most noble and even said that I can ever quote him on that. After that we proceeded to watch Pewdiepie videos which reminded me of a laughing Julien last night to the same recently uploaded videos I could hear across the corridor. 

I had seen Julien the next day in Gamla Stan buying Le Monde and that’s how I had found out that he knew French and then I had asked him if he was French, because I couldn’t really tell it by his accent. We ended up walking around and the man had said that it should be fun to play hide and seek here, to which I was surprised and my first reaction was fear that I’d be searching for him as if in an endless labyrinth until the dawn and then I would simply not find him or end up finding Lazarus instead in an antique store. By the end of it we had agreed and it had taken me twenty minutes to find the other man sitting on some footsteps next to the church, so that hadn’t been as hard. The problem was that when I was hiding, I had the fear that I should go somewhere and hide properly, but instead I didn’t. I just sat on one of the benches near the big staircase and waited for him to find me eventually. So I just kept writing in the notebook, now I actually bother and try to write down what is happening, because they say once you start a journal, that’s when things start happening and I wouldn’t mind a change. 


I'm deeply sorry for taking so long to update and I've frankly vanished from earth's surface as I actually came out to one family member. It wasn't taken well. It gets discussed deeply more in the story as I came out and that wasn't recieved very well, if to be deadly honest. I needed time for myself and to be a punching bag apparently. 

It's also been hard fighting with depression, because I've been so drained from everything. 

It was a nightmare to get the story going, so I would get brainstorming with Callie as she would ask me questions and I would just play a Sonic racing game, I actually deeply miss that. I've also been pondering and I'd like to announce that I think I'll dedicate December and so on to the animal, so I hope you've been enjoying it so far. I also want to stay with fiction for a while, so I'll be writing that unless my mood changes. 

Peter is based off every single landlord I've had and is blown up to be a very realistic douche. 

I've been pissed off at the tumblr's reaction to many things so Dick's boyfriend is a sort of embodiment of that. 

I've actually desperately started missing the animal since I finished it along with Nano and I can proudly say that it's my 5th Nanowrimo win. 

The chapter is a tad bit shorter because the next two paragraphs should go together really xD I'm sorry that there's not much backstory, because all of this was written in a very big hurry and yeah.

I really really hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please tell me so in the comments below.



Tuesday, 10 November 2015

the animal three

And so I sat, wondering why Frank wasn’t as usual cooking in his gray suit which he had worn to some office job, which Peter had mentioned, that was an office job. But it could let alone be something else such as some kink where every day he was wanted in the same odd gray suit, which wasn’t flattering, it was too big on him, as if he had lost weight.

So he sat there in a stripy t-shirt with all of his tattoos seen on his hands which were dominantly black and white. He just glanced at me with his light blue eyes and offered me a drink. For me the day was over, as I would scramble with yesterday and allow myself to sleep some more, but for Frank it had just started unfortunately and as I found out, it was the beginning of him not being able to get back to work. The company had dissolved entirely, without a proper explanation to the poor man who had worked there for a few months and years. It didn’t make much sense, but he said that he had some mate which went through the same thing and in the end what happened that the other lad was also left with no job and now it was back to the drawing board for Frank after so many years. Now, he wouldn’t even be able to pay his daughter. 

He just thanked God that her mother was working, allowing some cushion but I could sense that the ex wouldn’t be as happy of hearing of the dissolving. And the dissolving made sense to me and Frank, but it surely wouldn’t to some entirely angry ex which had nothing else but to lash out to the poor man. I never knew who would start the arguments, but when you see too many you know that anything would cause it to flare up. And I suspected that one of those things would be the lack of Frank having a job now. I just blinked, took the vodka, which I hoped he would still be able to afford and excused myself, patting him on the back. I liked to listen, but I was bad at empathy and Frank seemed lighter once I had left anyway. 

The day continued as I was too paranoid to sleep and I stayed awake, hearing absolutely everyone storm either into the kitchen as we shared a mutual wall, diving everything anyone ever ate and myself. I could always hear Frank for that sole reason. I could always hear Julien struggle, because he always spoke out loud that he couldn’t eat. He was a vegan and he wasn’t doing it because it was healthy, he confessed to me that it was a lot because partially he just couldn’t stand meat by himself and that he just struggled eating at all. That explained his very slim figure and how he could be taken as bones. He seemed a bit modelesque if he had a bit of a prettier face, but instead he was himself also in an office job and he always seemed like a dull programmer to me. I could always see him twirl in his chair and probably flirt with some office chick by throwing paper balls at her. 

I wondered about his sexuality briefly, because when I had just arrived in the apartment he had his dark eyes staring at me across the hallway, not saying much, but just staring, a bit curious and I had thought lust. Julien, like the rest of our apartment was single. The only dating person that I had known was actually Dick. 

That morning I could hear Nathan, who was rather old open up the parcels he had gotten. He would get parcels nearly every day and he would always open them up in the kitchen when no one was watching, so that the trash would be taken out by Peter instead of himself. The cats would get out and sit on his old legs, as he would unwrap. He made sure that no one would see and sometimes even huff and pick up the parcel to get back into his room and then he would be there to unwrap it fully in peace. The only time I had seen him get some gold wrapped in socks in the mail and sometimes it was candy which he would leave with a small note, saying for everyone to grab. 

He would end up sharing the chocolates rather often, but because once he had left the room door open and then I saw all the boxes, it seemed as if the people who sent him stuff knew that he had deeply enjoyed the snack. 

Once, because everything which happens is unique and every circumstance becomes unique and it’s a reminder that perhaps after all the people in the trains rehash and you won’t ever see them. When I was a child I wanted to write about train rides a lot, because I would meet so many weird people, which didn’t make much sense to me. Once there was  a guy who told me he would tell me a short story, which was educational. In the end the conclusion had been that the boy’s ass fell off in those words, concluding that no one should try to find too many adventures on their own ass. That made sense, but it still worried my parents that I had heard it. 

I wondered how many more parcels would Nathan receive, but that wasn’t for me to answer, but rather to his senders to confess. I thought that I wouldn’t mind actually managing to get some letters myself even if I had no one to be honest which would be happy to receive from myself, so I was left alone and stuck again. 

And Nathan had started his day onwards by playing his guitar. The only other instrument in the household was Frank’s karaoke machine which he would use in the kitchen as he would wait for his coffee to boil (we have a really bad coffee machine). In the end the karaoke had been so bad that everyone decided to vote silently and the machine was at least tucked into his room and used at more sensible hours. 

Then the hall was graced with Dick getting screamed at by Nathan for deciding to pick up the afternoon mail. In that moment I had realized that all my listening in the morning had lead to me falling asleep entirely, giving me the face of regret on what had I been doing all night that I had slept through all of the daylight, leaving nothing but a trace of the night outside on my window. I only slightly opened the door so I could hear their screams and Julien coming back from the kitchen with a cup of coffee, he caught my eye so I waved him over. He went inside my room. 

What’s the big deal, was what he had asked. To which I only asked why the fuck were they yelling about mail now. I had found out that apparently since Nathan moved in (I had slept on this, apparently) that he had been the only one collecting everyone’s mail, to make sure that no one else would grab his parcels, so that then he would surely be the one ripping them open. 

Another way to get people to talk is when you’re both filled with laundry so badly that you each take a washing machine each and just sit there, usually Dick sits eating apples, I’ve yet to have it with Nathan, but even if Dick had told me that he’s here because he likes to be among young men, he seems to be highly avoidant. Then he had spilled that Nathan is a former rent boy, so the parcels could be bribes, could be gifts from former lovers which had decided to share their wealth with him (what else would explain the golden gifts?) and that had made it a very thickly filled with information laundry session with Dick, who didn’t bother to wash his binder and he had glanced at me and I guess he decided to not show up. I’ve never actually seen Dick without his binder, so I wondered if he had ever washed it. 

A thing I hadn’t actually nagged about was the fact that due to the parcels, there was something else which came as a change with Nathan. It’s not that he even spoke openly about it, it was just solely assumed that since Nathan orders a pizza everyday, then he should be the one opening the door. The sole time when it’s not Nathan opening is when Lazarus texts me that he’s coming either with some game or after sugar, but then I can guarantee myself that I don’t get Nathan’s wrath. Nathan orders a pizza every single day and I’ve never guessed which flavor is it other than the pizza smell. He takes plates beforehand, so that he never had to share the pizza in the kitchen and locks himself there and possibly feeds the cats it or some Pussi which is always kept in the fridge. The ad of that cat food makes me cringe, since they pronounce it a very long and satisfied ‘Pussaay’. 

The first time Nathan had talked to me was whether we would have inspections to price the apartment because in the previous place he had lived they had done it all the time and he had to hide his cats almost during every single one of them and nagged that he didn’t want any of them under the bed again. I wondered why did he have to hide the cats, but before I could ask he just left. The discussion had also been me convincing him that we didn’t have any inspections here because I didn’t think Peter had wanted to sell anyway. Julien tried to chip in on the conversation last minute, but instead he just stood there, probably thinking about food. 


I haven't been splitting the chapters besides one further ahead down the road to be very honest. I'm still sticking to splitting it to the count of each Nano day. I've been writing it with reaching the count every day just well... by how it should be. I should really try to do a head start, but I've been tired or depressed so it's been hard, but I'm still proud of myself how I'm doing it, so yeah. 

Mostly these parts were written after very serious brainstorming with Callie. So pretty much everything was planned out. I'll also try to post every three days at least, just that I've been running to catch up with Nano to be honest:)

I had an office job once and the company dissolved randomly, I'll never find out what exactly happened xD so I based it off for Frank. 

I actually had an odd fellow in the train tell that story in Russian and it follows me to this day. It was far more colourful when I heard it and was called the boy with the golden bellybutton screw and once he found how to unscrew it his ass fell off, in those words. I was rather young when I had heard it and the guy insisted for me to listen to it, as he stated it was educational. 

Pussi is an actual Swedish cat food and it always cracks me up and the ad is real. 

A lot of the things or oddities are things which I've went through so yeah, like inspections. 

I hope you enjoyed it and if you did, please leave a comment below or tell me via tumblr:) I'd really love to see that

Thank you so much



Friday, 6 November 2015

the animal two

Sometimes the paranoia creeps on every noise until everyone is asleep at their ten pm. 

And I don’t want to leave the house the whole day, it’s gotten to the point that sometimes I just can’t stand either of them, curling up under the covers entirely and sulking, because nothing seems to go my way. Because nothing really ever goes on, nothing swirls enough outside my own personal void to do anything at all. And if I can’t beat my own melancholy how am I supposed to live outside it?

In the end Lazarus ends up knocking on my own door and I just shoo him off right after giving him some sugar which I didn’t even bother to ask if that was something he had decided to come after. I peeked out and looked at all of the closed doors, because everyone still wanted some privacy besides Peter who would smoke cigarettes in the kitchen, scrubbing his eyes and observing Dick spit in other people’s food. Peter was the owner of the apartment, an immigrant himself and oddly enough in the apartment we were all filled with people from elsewhere who came in here perhaps for a better life, but I couldn’t answer that for anyone at all. I didn’t know what had we all decided to live in the same place, that’s why English was so widespread in the house and was what everyone spoke to each other, never nagging at any other skill, which was something my mom warned me, pulling my collar up, doing my tie for some event.

I hadn’t called her in a good while and I could see her short hair tucked behind her ears to reveal her earrings and her constant short fringe which went through all of the years. Mother never changed.

Lazarus excused himself, quickly glancing at Peter who just sat there looking ahead. I wondered for a brief while what were Peter’s problems and what was it that ended up upon his thirty year old shoulders. He didn’t work and Dick had told me that he hadn’t worked a day, since he rented this out to five other people, something which was very common to see. People would end up getting big spaces and then rent out to everyone else who was in need and due to the crisis which made everything seem a bit dystopic in the capital due to that, so in the end you would see landlords not working and making more than enough. Peter just continued to look ahead and barely even blinked as I poured myself a coffee, because I didn’t want to fall asleep still at nine p.m. regretting that the day had been spent entirely sleeping, avoiding all the noises which had been coming from Dick’s room as his boyfriend had been over. They were a wide theatrical closing curtain of arguments, love and even louder fights. Today they didn’t bother to hide their excitement and I was presuming Peter could’ve been hiding from it in the furthest room which was the kitchen. 

The person who I barely saw these days was Frank who was an early bird and I had nicknamed Cock who has breakfast at four a.m. every single day and usually turns on the old radio rather quietly or the telly, just something to numb his thoughts and all of the apartment house was filled with people who were somehow lost. Somehow had forced us to rent a room whether it was unavailability or lack of funds. Cock was the only one of us who was a father, with his girl visiting us from while to while and she would always make a mess out of the bathroom, which would leave Peter furious if it was anyone else other than Cock. But they somehow bonded as friends and I had mistaken them for lovers in the beginning, because I always presume that two close male friends are lovers. I always had. 

I stared at them for a while, before realizing how straight had both of them been and realizing that most likely the only gay men had been me and Dick. Then Nathan, a much older gay man had moved in who didn’t talk a lot, but Peter would do the talking after he had once shared a cigarette with him in the kitchen and had heard everything. 

Usually they’re very strict on pets, but when it came to Nathan he was allowed all of his cats. Which included three, two black ones and an orange one. They would wander all over the place and the problem started showing up when Julien began to get allergic to them. He would sneeze really loudly so I could hear him across the corridor and he would complain about the mucus nearly all the time, as one of the cats would pass. Nathan himself was a former rent boy as we had found out. That was all Peter had told me as I had passed it onto Dick later on in the day, as he was counting his needles for some reason in his room. His room had been rather tidy and seemed to match him. He would work out usually in front of an audience or he would keep the door open. 

I wondered what caused him to move in here but I just presumed it had been some trans issue and looking at him I could only wonder what a great misfortune it had been to grow up as someone else and only then find yourself. But then I wasn’t one to say how exactly was it, but then maybe it would’ve been easier to find yourself entirely if you knew you had to start searching perhaps? Would that have actually made everything easier or much worse? I didn’t dare to ask Dick and I felt bad, but then I heard that he actually went by Dick with a bigger smile than Richard, which had sounded far too formal. He had a boyfriend who was trans as well and who would shoot glares at me. Once said boyfriend was eating a donut and stared at me, saying that he was just as gay as I was, to which I replied, well, of course, doh. But I still had gotten a glare. And I just decided to avoid the fellow, but instead he would glare at me very oh so often.

I wondered too much about them in the beginning, more out of curiosity like I knew that I didn’t know much about Nathan or Julien. That kind of curiosity but the more I would try to speak up, the boyfriend who didn’t even bother to introduce himself didn’t even bother to talk to me at all. They at least seemed to be dating for quite a while, which seemed surprising because Dick wouldn’t glare at me and sit with me on the balcony as we would exchange cigarettes, the main event of course was the fact that his surgery was ahead. I found out that his boyfriend wasn’t going to have it anytime soon, entangled with the fact that he was too busy sorting out his mental health history with a psychiatric doctor and that was holding him back from actually going out and signing up for all the therapy which would determine the fact that he was all okay to go and proceed with the said surgery. 

I just kept listening to Dick as he was playing with the pack of cigarettes which I had set to the table up to offer, looking at me a bit dazed and confused, too many things going around his head. He joked that trans men all have the same haircut, since he and his boyfriend had an undercut and a few fellow other ones he knew had the same cut as well. I just didn’t know what to reply. With Dick for some reason maybe due to some online fighting Lazarus had told me, I just decided to keep my mouth shut on trans issues and I knew that I had known nothing, that’s why I only listened when it came to Dick. 

Lazarus didn’t get along with Dick either, actually Lazarus didn’t get along with anyone besides me, because on the days when I had the dawn of my depression, that’s usually what happened, I would just solely listen to people. It was hard to read and let my eyes rest on any page at all, so I would just jump around and listen. Heck, I’d even wake up earlier or just not go to sleep to see Frank’s morning rituals of him cooking his eggs. And one of those morning he had sat there, and the thing is if you stay with people long enough they’ll talk to you. The thing is, everyone talks. 

For a day I stayed in another guest house and I noticed that the whole family slept in the living room, it was three of them and that seemed to shake me inside, wondering about the jobs and employancy, how did it work. It wasn’t something I was too happy to see at first, but it surely was interesting to see how many people gave up work entirely or work had given up on them and they had given up every single room in their place for someone else to rent it and get money. I wondered how long would it take that said family to move out of their living room. 


I'm posting the chapters as the length of each Nano day to be very honest and I've finally caught up on my word count, I'm currently neck to neck with every day, but I'm proud. I have been struggling to write, so I brainstorm for every chapter with Callie because then it's easier and then I just start storytelling but until then my mind is blank, so that has been my method of work.

I didn't speak of the influences for this story in it's entire form. Callie had used to write a lot as well and that's how we met (she drifted into more historical fiction and now edits my work for typos and is my historical advisor for To Miles) and her Nano novel a few years back was about a set of guys which were going on a trip and it was filled with different stories sort of Trainspotting-esque, which she says was inspired by my novel Papercut (which you can find on this blog), so her Nano novel inspired me to write this. Also Trainspotting and Pulp's music heavily inspired the mood of this novel as well. 

I've had really really bad experiences with apartments up to the point that my paranoia had gotten ptsd levels of trauma, so that's the side which explains where such feelings come in this chapter. Also I'm trying not to rush ahead to tell xD 

Also I'm doing youtube videos these days, so don't forget to check out my latest video

I hope you're enjoying the animal so far, if you are, please tell me so below in the comment section.

Thank you



Monday, 2 November 2015

the animal

Life is like a train ride with the same people in it. 

Because they don’t rotate much after you’re done with high school and after that everything just seems still and it ended up even being stuck working for a few years afterwards or at least I had hoped. I ended up having my mind strangle all possibilities and end up and the thing is that no one tells you how scary it is afterwards. No one tells you how you’ll feel as if you have no control. 

It feels like right after my parent’s divorce when reality has the darkest colours you’ll ever see, that it will bend harsher and harsher, trying to do a straight edge. It will end up being a sharp angle to make sure that it could cut surfaces. 

There is an even sharper frustration with all the phone calls with my parents with no direct explanation why had I done it. Leaving it days behind and allowing me to miss the fact that I had no friends. That I had wanted nothing with those who would say that I cannot speak openly for gay men even if I happen to be one. I think that after that anyone would be able not to do anything at all with the people who had uttered it. 

I had no messages which only proved the fact that the desire to ditch talking was more than mutual. It just started feeling lonely after realizing the fact that the people only spoke to me because I had spoken to them.

I had locked myself in the room for the past few days and still managed to call the parents to come up with some lie, because it was still the end of summer and University hadn’t started yet, so I could still be anywhere, only with the fact that I had started using the money by starting with an Acne leather jacket, feeling a bit unfulfilled I stopped there for the time being, feeling even more idle, sitting in the McDonald’s opposite and watching everyone just scramble through their lives, somehow knowing everything and having friends. They had lovers too. 

If you fuse too much, then the mind will be the same. I wouldn’t even understand where I end and where I begin and how far fetched the earth was, I just felt heavily dipped down in depression with no medication, allowing the whole world to be entirely dark.

Blocket had no apartments available. Only rooms for the whole city and even then it was a bizarre question of pure luck with no love. Maybe life would smile more, knowing that there is absolutely nothing to offer you. 

I don’t think people understand how dire the situation about the apartments is because there is literally nothing other than odd scams and weird stories which pass from mouth to mouth, which I’ve heard the trans guy say in the apartment I rent the room from. He always widens his eyes, walking around in a crop top with his black binder being seen around the neck, as I wondered if it actually bothered him, but upon further questioning one night when he was entirely hammered and laying around in the corridor, saying he had worn it for the past fourteen hours, that it didn’t matter, since his surgery was scheduled so soon. I wondered how did he even have the guts. I watched him lying on the floor, everyone else gone and entirely tucked in bed, probably about to step out and tell us to fucking shut it. Instead I just watched him twirl and turn until I had to yank him up and chuck him in his room, watching his shaved head be the last goodbye. 

He would tell of people who would get kicked out from the oddest of reasons like putting their name on their door, the actual landlord knowing nothing that their tenant was renting out, to last minute scams where everything was dropped and you’d be left in front of an apartment with all your stuff. Some would list apartments as rooms with shared kitchens in shackles, some would rent out their garages just with a broom to state it’s an apartment and out of desperation you take absolutely anything, feeling nothing else tickle your bone because there is nothing. 

And I would try to explain that, chewing on candy I had bought earlier, allowing the University to be in the same city, allowing it to be less suspicious of what I had decided to use the money on. 

Sometimes frustration on my parents would get the best of me as they had kicked out my brother, Tom for the sake of fake names on a notebook, that he had sucked some guy’s dick and they had walked on him being all frisky and all. And that had pissed me off, that they just stopped giving him money and even if we hadn’t been close enough to talk, that pissed me off, not even that I had no idea that he was also gay, but the fact that they had entirely let him go and allow God to take care of it. That had been their response, let God just solely take care of it. That God would deal with it. How can you even say that?

By the time I had asked Julien that, he was just done with my whole story, eating his toast with jam. He just looked at me with empty eyes, telling me to tell Dick instead. I just shook my head, saying that I had told him that already. Well, then he sighed, looking at me and saying that perhaps I should stop whining. 

Maybe he was right, but I still felt lonely, watching him wash the only dish because Peter would yell at him for every single dish left unwashed after every single meal. Then he’d accuse of stashing all the dishes, as if we were some creatures hogging some fine china. Julien just coughed, as if he wanted to be excused and I made him way from the tiny Ikea-filled kitchen with all the glasses being from every possible country, but still being impossible to differ from the ones you’d drank from last. 

I would go out to the city, just to eat out wherever I could, having a good meal among a bunch of other people talking very loudly, making me feel more alienated, making me realize how bad my language knowledge was and how huge the barrier was. And I wasn’t the only one, people would complain on the forums how they had lived here for twenty years and that would drive them on and on, no friends, no lovers, just them and their movies. They’d manage to binge all of the X Files in one day, no longer seeing where would time end. I wondered if that was how I was going to be in twenty years. I wondered far too much, now clutching myself in the room, no longer feeling the desire to even go outside, knowing the streets around nearly inside out and no one was celebrating Halloween anyway, so the vampire teeth were just for me to enjoy. I should’ve bought candy but instead I ended up watching horror movies alone in the dark, hearing Peter bring some friends over which were lying on the corridor, passed out already and someone was surely a one night stand. 

I shouldn’t even be writing this down. I feel my eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep and movie watching, marathoning the 30th right into the 31st and 1st’s skull. 

I wished of far too many things. 

I could hear Julien making his way outside, and I only pondered on what he would be eating now, but it seemed like some odd diet of fruit and vegetables at first, until it dawned on me that he was vegan and I had heard it from Dick, who had spat in Julien’s food, saying to never leave food and he then watched Julien eat it. 

I felt as if I could take photos of this place people maybe would budge and open their doors and instead of selling apartments like dead weight they would rent more, but people wanted money fast just like anyone else and somehow the prospect of waiting years for a large sum was better than renting out. But then maybe there were studies to prove otherwise, who knows. 

I just felt more miserable. 

I felt like hiding even further in my room and prospect was surely dark, but it seemed to give an excuse to stay inside and hear all the noises of the six people apartment which was driving me wild and comfortable that no one would bother to walk in with me in it.


Paranoia drove us all to live, desire to kill was just inflicted heavily by fear, it was more than just a mere flick of the wrist, it was pre-murder.

Murder. I would laugh as Julien would say it as he would speak of animals and I’d be eating yoghurt in front of him, just to piss him off, saying that a cow had died, 

had died,

making this delicious strawberry yoghurt. I was said that yoghurt didn’t come in beef flavor just to piss him off even more. Maybe I was becoming more like Dick, getting far too pissed off at people. 

The only reason I had gotten out of my room on Halloween was to get some candy from Lazarus who was the neighbor who always asked us for sugar, just because he craved it. 

I watched him eat it spoon after spoon, as if the pick and mix wasn’t as hurtful for him, but instead he’d do that and he’d always ask me once the stores would close with a mere text and that is how with an aching racing heart I had to walk outside into the corridor, fearful of running into anyone and I go to Lazarus, the cunt and he just greet me with a small nod. We had traded games before and it had ended on sugar. 


To be honest I took some time off to try and prepare for Nanowrimo. I've started new medication and I've been having a really heavy depression as I'm getting used to them. It's been awfully hard, even now I'm forcing myself to write the backstory. I've been staring at everything besides the document and day 2 started. I reached day 1's goal. 

The idea came to me from living in different places and I kind of wanted to head on address what it's like being a foreigner and living in Sweden and so on. It's not as paranoid and depressing though xD but it's what I wanted to base it off and tell about the apartment situation and how it's like to live and share your space. 

I binged all this chapter yesterday entirely. 

The first phrase came to me ages ago and I just held it dear.

I kind of kept this year's Nano idea heavily under wraps, because I wanted to surprise everyone and don't worry I miss not doing To Miles this year, but TM is the only story even when heavily depressed I know where I'm going with it and what to write because it became my blood really. 

I kind of want to remain quiet for once on the backstory and let everything tell by itself. I'm qute open here, I've been more brutally honest these days. 

I've been so depressed that Callie had been putting on different music to cheer me up and one of them was No Control by 1D (yes, I'm trash xD and I'm Gryles trash) and that was the first song I wrote this story to.

At this point I have no title. So I'm thinking about it right now xD this was actually a working title, but I like it and I'll go ahead with it :) forgive me xD

Thank you


Sunday, 25 October 2015

In Between Days

“I wonder what happens to all those wishes which don’t come true. Because there’s so many child dreams which were so easy to fulfill and never came true.” I say on the phone, watching around for cars, as I step out on the street from the building. I take out a box of cigarettes, the lighter tucked inside and I just hold the phone tighter against me with my shoulder, clutching onto the cig with my teeth. A wind blows making it colder than the usual autumn which just starts to kiss the weather with it’s frost. I had the stupidity of believing that a leather jacket would be plenty. In the split second all I hear is silence, waiting for me to go on. “No, really. I mean, fine, maybe ponies would be much harder to fulfill, but what about all the other dreams?”

I try not to focus on anything else, letting my mind stop spiraling further into questioning why some things end up coming true and only a pause is now heard because I should be the one answering my own questions. I feel my phone vibrate even more now, causing me to nearly jerk my shoulder. 

“Hold on, Jamie, I got a call-”

“I see your point-” He starts, but instead I mutter a fast excuse, that I really have no idea whose call is it and why do they want. It’s a bit of a childish excitement coz no one really calls me these days besides Jamie who I seem to be playing strip poker with and no one is losing, so the situation is just awkward where no one is dating anyone, yet we’re stuck in the same situation where we both should be dating. I’d even moved in with the guy, after coming from all the way and nothing had happened, besides a few awkward hugs which were there and here. It felt as if we had been closer through the letters and now it was simply stuck with nothing. Before I could trace his words with fingers and now I couldn’t. 

I knew that he’d been going over his ex in his head and when I came he was just cleaning up all the pictures of them together and I had seen him rip them all apart so much. I didn’t push and neither did Jamie. After all, they had been engaged, so that had been getting into his head far too much. I moved in suggesting far too much, that I’d be there but he had been distant. Maybe I did envision too much of a relationship in my head. His ex was gorgeous and smart, something nothing close to me with my recently grown out hair which I had been dying pure black for a few months now. She was a model which I wasn’t made for. I took the cigarette out of my mouth, making a quick exhale and picked up the unknown number. 

“He left me high and dry. I was standing outside, it was supposed to rain any minute and he didn’t even bother to show up. It was as if it wasn’t a second date. He was the one who said all, ohh, yeah, I’d love to have a second date. I mean, what is the point of even doing a second date if you don’t even want to show up?” And she holds a small pause and I hear her take something and drink from it. I look around as if that might hold an explanation why an unknown woman with a french accent is calling me. Instead I just see some school girls cross the road, giggling probably with the same gossip I am hearing. Instead the woman doesn’t shut up at all and keeps talking. “It’s not like I’m not trying. It’s the third guy I’m seeing and I can’t seem to get pass a second date. It’s as if I’m a new no second date kind of girl.”

I hear her sigh and keep drinking. I don’t even dare to speak and that’s when she just does a weird noise, as if motioning for me to speak and I have no idea how she even looks like. I scratch the back of my head, entirely forgetting my cigarette. I hear a sigh and the woman continues even further. 

“I mean, I was engaged and it didn’t happen. Not to mention the guy who I cheated with got cold feet right after I broke up with you know who. Ugh, it even sucks to say his name. I really shouldn’t have done it, but I was just getting bored of the whole... routine. You know how obsessed he was with the routine. He would just keep doing the same things all over and over again. He’d go through everything. I swear a bit more and he’d wear the same underwear on a certain day. He’s been obsessed with those suede shoes that I can’t even see them.” She pauses, exclaiming. “I even saw him the other day and he was still wearing them! Uh huh.” 

The caller starts to feel a bit uncomfortable by my silence. I hear a flicker of a lighter now.

“You’re awfully quiet. I wonder what’s with you today or maybe it’s just me talking so much.” She says inhaling heavily. 

“I-I’m sorry-” I quickly start speaking up.

“Mmm, don’t worry.” I imagine the faceless woman moving her arms around as she says this, blowing more smoke into the room, legs crossed or maybe not on a sofa. “I’d rather just talk, if you let me. I’m not feeling too good.”

I just nod, as if she can see me. 

“Or maybe not. I’m not even drunk, I’m just sipping on tea because he likes tea. My ex.” Then she gives a good pause and I hear a light sob. “I really feel unloved. I really do feel unloved. When are you planning on visiting me, huh?”

I hear a small laugh.

“Come on, we haven’t seen each other in a good, good while.” And that’s to what I realize that I’ve been standing on the sidewalk the whole time, listening to the woman, going through all the lights and through all the school kids leaving school. 

“I-I’m sorry-”

“Why do you keep saying you’re sorry?” And I just hope she doesn’t speak up again. 

“I think you got the wrong number.” I mutter and actually start crossing. That’s when I hear her sit up from her sofa or whatever she was sitting on.

“Wait... Who are you, then?” She asks.

“I’m Alison.” I say even quieter, feeling embarrassed that I even managed to stay this long in the conversation. 

“Oh. Well, you heard it all.” She laughed and I actually questioned her lack of alcohol even if she sounded perfectly sober. “I wouldn’t mind a new fresh opinion.”

“I’m having boy trouble myself, so I don’t think I’m the best to be talking about this to be very honest.” I confess, feeling odd that I just made friends with a complete stranger over the phone. 

“Ooooh. Tell me, should be far more exciting than my own.”


I always try to go deep with the first phrase to be honest and I just started new medication and how the doctor described... I felt strange and I had a very surfaced mild depression episode, where I actually asked Callie why don't some wishes which you want so much don't come true? And further as the story goes on Alison asks that since she and Jamie aren't getting on yet.

Callie also called this the only rom-com of graspthesanity, so I'm quite looking forward to that because it's actually light and I've watched and loved plenty rom-coms in my day. I hope this will be loved as well.

The plot came to me in a dream actually, all of it and I was like this fusing of me and Alison in this story. I love it when dreams give me plots, it's quite an old and trustworthy thing of mine, so yeah. So all of this was written in notes. 

I didn't write yesterday coz I had a doctor's appointment, I started new meds and everything. So I'm really sorry, but hey I wrote 1.2k in a day 8) so I'm awesome for that.

Also, in case you missed it, I started a youtube channel and I post videos there, so please check it out

It was quite hard to write it at times, specifically the huge monologue (I try not to spoil the obvious xD) 

At this point I have no title. It was taken from the fact that okay, this is a rom-com and I was musing on a title with Callie, as she offered Pendulum and I figured that I could go with In Between Days as in The Cure song and it matches the story. I'm also thrilled to be back and writing my usual Alison/Jamie. 

I really hope you enjoyed it and thank you:)

If you did, please comment below or on tumblr