Thursday, 9 February 2017

To Miles 61

 I wasn't able to avoid him for long and when I saw him, my confidence had plummeted even after all the jokes Jamie had done as we were walking back to the port. He looked very tired and irritated, not talking to anyone else and we were all about to head over to bed. I knew that it wouldn't take long until I would be able to go back to Jamie's and just continue the soft conversations or maybe something rough, but he had spoken enough of Miles and if more would be said it would've been plain rehashing than something else. We just made eye contact and Miles looked away. I knew how hard everything had been and the kiss we shared seemed something that the man didn't even want to entertain the possibility of.

I wondered what the hell was going through his mind, as Jonny turned off the light for all of us, nodding for Carlos to stop recruiting for the drag show, which plenty had agreed to do already. I even ended up watching his back turned to me, as I waited for the lights to turn off. He was the last thing I saw. As usual I just waited until the breathing would even and some snores would be heard. I gave it another few minutes and I stood up, just as quietly as usual and I heard some moves from Miles' bed.

I kept on going, before I heard footsteps behind me. He was surely not asleep as I turned around, but still went out, figuring that I could simply go to the bathroom and back. Miles followed me into the light as I opened the door, looking down.

I didn't know what to expect or rather if to expect much, as I stopped and turned around to face the Chief Petty Officer. Miles gave out a small cough and just stared at me. His emotions were not shown on his face, he seemed to be thinking what would his move even be.

“You going to Hince's then? As every fucking night? Don't you get bored?” He asks in a rather loud voice, so I just look around to see no one even close to us. We're alone for this stupid showdown, where I have no energy and at this point I even feel like I'd just sleep besides Jamie. Then something flashes through his mind. “Did you even tell him that we kissed?”

“What about all the other men you send off?” He continues. “Doesn't he ever get jealous or do you get a pass for everything, Turner?”

I wish it were dark and I could just avoid him, as if he were some ghost or a minor nuisance, but the problem is once you're haunted, you're fucked for good. And he's surely not one to let go of grudges from his life. As I listen to him, I am pissed off, but I try to put myself in his shoes. What the fuck is pissing him off so much? I can't come up with an answer and I know that it was my turn to speak to his insults, which are just going on and on.

“Miles.” I pause and look at him. I'm a whore. I've made out with this man, just because and I've briefly had a love affair with him. I destroyed it with my own hands and took his former lover. “Is it because you found out about Jamie's divorce?”

I shoot in the dark and I maybe can possibly hear a wounded animal?

Miles looks taken back. Maybe he did finally notice the lack of a ring on Jamie's finger during an inspection. That would explain Miles' rudeness and it was something that poor Miles only dreamed off as an adolescent and here I was, getting it in a few months after dating. I didn't know if I actually felt sorry for him, all I knew was that I just wanted his pettiness to stop.

“What do you mean Hince is divorced?” I don't know if he's faking it or maybe he didn't notice, but I doubt, I'd be looking in his place. Maybe he thought they separated or something, maybe he thought that the ring was just lost or gone. Maybe he never noticed at all.

I decide to look confused.

“Hince is divorced.” I just shrug my shoulders, as if it's no big deal and I'm still not too comfortable from the fact that I have to talk to him in the corridor for everyone to hear and spy on, well, if someone is interested in the Captain's personal life that is. I never actually asked if he has some fake girl's photo just to say that he's dating someone new or maybe he just pretends to be single and heartbroken, while taking it up the ass. I keep looking around to make sure that no one is indeed listening to us.

Miles looks up, probably thinking if he should cause another turmoil to the Captain. I'm guessing he decides that he should, as he starts walking out of the corridor and up the stairs to get into the bridge. I just follow him, silently for a second, as I try to even ponder what the fuck can I even say.

“Miles, what exactly are you up to?” He turns around right after I ask it, but doesn't stop going up the stairs. I really thought I'd always be the only one to disturb poor Jamie from his sleep. “Don't you think that he's not particularly thrilled to see you?”

“That would explain why Alison isn't replying to me. She's probably bawling her eyes out that he ditched her for some young queer.” He mutters angrily. I feel taken back, he really does know nothing and Alison just decided to avoid him all together, which even without knowing her seems to be in character, since she hid Lana so well. “He was married with children, Alex. Did your cock have no decency?”

“Did your cock ever have any decency, Kane?” I shoot it right back at him and he just remains quiet. We're out on the deck for a brief while, some sailors smoking in the distance. Probably post-coital and I try to make out their faces to catch them later, but I can't see. So I just drop it as we get into the bridge anyway. Miles glared at me, as if showing that he's talked plenty and so have I. Miles walks quietly into the corridor with Jamie's room and I hope that Jamie isn't naked or anything, but usually he's just dressed and reading. I wonder if I should make a run and be the one to open the door, but as soon as I speed up Miles just yanks the door open without any courtesy. Jamie just blinks in pure surprise seeing his very old lover.

“He just went mad.” I confess, as Jamie just slams the book shut and motions for both of us to head inside. I feel guilty. I don't know what could I have even done. I don't even know when was the last time Jamie invited Miles over. And the last time we had all spoken in three was before me and Jamie confessed our love to each other. That's how long ago it was.

“I don't need to come in.” Miles confesses. But he does so, quickly looking around before landing his gaze on Jamie, who still sits in his chair, frozen and keeps looking at me lost. “Why did you divorce Alison?”

His voice shakes.

“You never did that for me and we were together for years.” Love never fades. We just grow used to hiding it until we can convince ourselves that the person was wrong for us and then we can call it anything else we'd like, because saying we had love would be admitting a problem and frankly what human likes to acknowledge their flaws or mistakes? None. That's why we lie, besides last glimpses of consciousness before sleep.

Jamie doesn't speak up, instead he just fiddles with the book in his hands.

“So what... I meant nothing?” Jamie doesn't mention that Alison had cheated as well. Instead he looks at me, standing behind Miles. It's hard to talk to a former lover with your current in the room. Jamie takes too much of a pause, that Miles just turns around and looks down, I see his glossy eyes and he leaves. Jamie then stands up, which I think would be to fetch Miles, but instead he just closes the door as soon as he leaves.

“Well, at least he's gone.” He snaps at nobody in particular now, trying to avoid my gaze as I just try to get the right words to tell him. But as soon as I open my mouth he looks at me, sighing. “Alex, there's no use rehashing old love. It's long gone and we've hurt each other enough to throw the other off the deck.”

“I know, but...” I start trailing. “I see where he's coming from.”

My mouth becomes foreign.

“You wouldn't have done that for me if Alison wasn't cheating.”

Jamie's eyes widen and he looks up at me.

“Excuse me?” He looks terribly shaken and I have no control over my mouth anymore.

“I never said I wouldn't like being the lover on the side. But... You would have never divorced her.”

“You would never keep your mouth off Miles' either, Turner. But somehow, I'm not really saying that aloud much, am I?” He snaps, raising his voice lightly. His gaze is piercing me. “Or how you raise your concerns whether you still have feelings for him.”

Jamie makes a step towards me.

“We never properly discussed whether we should be exclusive or not. Neither did you ever voice that it concerned you that I was married.” He keeps snapping.

I can't back now.

“Fine. We're not exclusive.” I cross my arms. My mind is blank, my body rushing as if I had jumped into a pool of adrenaline.

“Great.” He closes his eyes and sighs. He starts biting his lower lip and looking at me. Neither of us wants to step down. It's just a useless staring contest. I keep staring at his green eyes.

“Do you want me to leave?” I snap, a bit too annoyed and feeling like a kid who doesn't want to lose an argument under any circumstance with whomever it may be, parents or just another fellow snotty kid.

“Sure.” He bites his lip again and nods, waving his arms. “Go. Sleep in your own God damn bunk bed or if you're lucky, suck off Miles while you're at it.”

I don't have a comeback, but I do open the door again. I stare at him, hoping that he would simply say anything at all. But he doesn't, instead he just picks up the book and even starts reading it standing. I can't fucking apologize. Neither can he. I hold the door knob tight in my hand. I don't have the option of just leave him either for tonight or ever. I wouldn't be able to sleep and neither would he. Jamie keeps glancing at me every few lines, I guess. If he is reading that is.

“Look...” I start. He instantly shuts the book and looks at me. He leans a bit, to show that he's listening. “You would've never really divorced Alison if it wasn't for her cheating.”

I shut the door and I see tension get off his face, at least a small particle of it.

“You never asked.” We both stand firm on our stances. Both like fucking bulls.

“You never divorced Alison for Miles.” I don't even know what kind of answer I am actually expecting, like some consolation that I am somehow better than someone who I frequently wonder if I still love?

“Alex, I was fucked up. I didn't know what I wanted and I certainly couldn't go and live with a kid, who happened to be my wife's brother. That was out of the question.” He pauses and frowns over the next sentence. “I'm over my thirties, I consider myself to be a bit wiser now, as well.”

“And you'd live now with another man.”

“Yeah. Why not. Hide as friends who bonded.” He shrugs. “Brian does that with his lover. I'm not saying times are better, but at least something is happening. Maybe I just met brave guys, who knows.”

It finally clicks what I'm actually asking him.

Fuck.

With all the arguing I didn't even realize that I was asking him to actually sort of somehow try and move in together.

“You never did that with Miles.” I just repeat that like a fucking broken record and shake my head. “Sorry... I'm just taken back.”

“You thought I would never do it?” He asks me and puts the book down, I notice that it's the Russian poetry collection I had bought him. He seems a bit hurt when he says that, but not much, probably expecting the same if he were in my place as well.

I just nod. Jamie scratches his neck, looking past me, thinking.

“I... never thought I would do it, either.” He pauses and picks it up, confessing. “I mean, I knew that I'd do it somewhere... deep down. But we never discussed it.”

“I know.” I just say, sighing. I shake my head. “I'm sorry... I panicked that Miles headed behind me. I just felt bad that I didn't stop him and I guess all that frustration had to go somewhere. I'm sorry for-”

“It's alright.” Jamie interrupts me. “He's been terribly cranky lately, maybe he broke up with someone or something.”

He takes out the cigarette holder from his pocket and stretches it for me.

“He's always been like this, frankly. It's not the first year I know him, unlike you.” He realizes how bitter the last part sounds and picks it up regardless. “I mean, not that it's not enough to get fucked over. It's more about... I guess, no, even then. You can find out a person in a day or a few months if they are just willing to open up.”


Jamie smiles at me as I take the cigarette and he follows. He lights both of them, the flame quickly licking both.

-

I've been writing very slowly, but hey, I'm keeping up with the updates, since I got so much written with Nanowrimo!

I know, this is pretty much just storytelling and I've been storytelling when I write again, I like that balance, because I really forgot how it's hard to write something else other than the emotions which are firing up, so there's not much space for anything else. 

I really like Miles, even if he's frankly not the most positive character at this point. I like how him and Jamie traded places because I had broken up with my ex at the time and I just wanted to throw my anger somewhere and Jamie was getting close with Alex. I'm babbling and doing throwbacks, I see. 

Miles is such an ode to all the people you can't forget and which still linger. I don't think I have anyone lingering, but he's quite a ghost at this point which seems to want to break free and become real again. And I'll keep my lips sealed.

I really beat myself over sometimes for being polyamorous, so I really enjoy exploring general polyamory topics and the morality of it, even if it's clear that it's okay. I just like thinking about it and applying it to Jamie and Alex's relationship. 

I hope you enjoyed it and really sorry for the short backstories. 

If you liked it, please tell me so. 

Thank you

<3

Jamie  

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Offside 3

I look at the losers who finally approached us, wondering how many of us talentless football players are out there but plenty of us still get jobs somehow and crawl up the football ladder regardless, so that's a good thing. I don't really see much future anywhere, but the more I am stuck thinking of a future the more I wonder how the fuck can I even entangle myself into the only sport I enjoy. But that's on the brightest of days when I actually try to care about something.

“Maybe we shouldn't really invite those two over, eh, Miles?” Alex pipes up, smirking and pointing at us both. “They ended up winning and I kind of would prefer being a sore loser right now.”

“Hey, hey, no need to be a sore loser. Just fucking do your deal where we eat out together. I never ditch you guys.” I whine at them, Jack probably realizing that the banter is better done between us than him who is still clearly a fresh-baked newbie. He probably hates all of us anyway and is dreading the fact that he decided to tag along with me because it would just be random insults thrown at each other over pizza and we don't really tag along with girls, we just sit down there and complain about life.

“Yeah, because you're like a stupid lucky charm, you never lose in training.” Alex smirks at me and we slowly start walking to the pizza place since frankly there is no more point in standing next to the court and soon enough it would be filled with a bunch of kids running around and probably pooping their pants out of joy. I don't know I never understood the parental thrill of sending one's child so early to football, probably because my own sent me quite later on.

“Yeah and lose the big games.” Miles chips in. I flip at him.

“We tend to lose the big games because our defence is shit.” I whine, wondering how come we even got such a shit team and how are we even supposed to attract anyone to even remotely check out our games. I wished that I had lived in a much bigger city, but then beggars can't really be choosers. I turn to Jack. “Can you be a defender instead of a striker?”

He just shakes his head.

“No, sorry, I'm really just a striker.” I roll my eyes at his reply and stretch out my arms above my head.

“We're screwed then.” Is now my turn to whine because Jack surely watched some Brazilian Ronaldo videos to get bloody inspired by and here we are, a freshly baked striker who barely has any idea of what he's doing, like a really bad FIFA mod. I don't really bother much about the surroundings, besides the fact that we managed to get an okay weather day where everyone is taking off their jackets a bit too confused and wondering why hasn't the weather turned to downright shit yet. I seem to think the same, as I didn't even bother grabbing mine. “At least I didn't go cocky and decide to be a fucking striker.”

“You still never go on defence, Jamie.” Miles says as we approach the pizza place and he holds the door open for everyone to get in, as he scratches his nose. I keep flipping at him far too much today for every comment he does.

“Doesn't matter, I'm less of a wanker than you are.” I smirk at him, glancing at the same old boring pizza menu even if I know all of them and have probably tried all of them as well. “I'm not a cocky striker, that's the point unlike you lot.”

“Doesn't mean that you couldn't take one for the team and actually be on defence.” Alex speaks, about to order and stepping to the cashier to order. Alex takes his usual order, not really bothering to ponder on something else, as I always take my time and end up choosing more or less the same. Miles follows him, ordering some new bacon pizza for himself and I decide to try it out as well and Jack is the last one left, probably counting the calories in his damn head, but is too shy to speak out about it. In the end he orders something which I don't really overhear, as I decide to follow Miles and Alex to the depths of the pizza place as they can choose any seat since it's empty after lunch.

“I'll do that if you fucking do that, Al.” I say, wondering when was even the last time that we had invited the rest of the guys over, but we kind of just avoided their girlfriend drama because someone would always end up dating someone's ex or crush, so there was no bro code where you couldn't date someone who had been dated before. It was a game, as if it was survival of the fittest, besides Alex who decided to date this girl from a few towns away and that was considered long distance even if it was just a straight bus ride away.

“I will be a defender, if you become one, Jamie.” I look at him, he's pretty serious about it, just to fuck me over. I just fix my hair and shake my head.

“Fuck off, we'll both be terrible defenders and you know that.” I say, because I'm not good on defense and I've always wanted to be a midfielder, so this is what a taste of my own medicine feels like apparently then. I pout at him, mockingly.

“Doesn't matter, you're the one always whining that there's too many strikers.” Alex shrugs, as we wait for the pizzas and Jack joins us. He joins my side, as Miles and Alex sit on one side, probably too sick of staring at each other since they always hang out besides when they remember that they have girlfriends and then they act straight. Miles and Alex are like some sort of riddle I could never figure out, but the thing is that it's just my wishful thinking really that someone else could be queer even if I wasn't boning them. It would get pretty lonely sometimes being around a bunch of straight guys or straight girls for that matter. I never liked being the token gay and I didn't really fit into too much stereotypes since I was into football and eventually I would just get bored of being friends with the girls once I grew up. When you're a child it's far easier to just be friends with someone regardless of their gender, but once you grow up it is just a void everywhere, you can't relate to anyone and nothing makes sense.

A void.

“And there he goes... spacing out. Who are you sucking off in your mind now, Jamie?” Miles mocks me, as all three of them laugh at me. I didn't even notice that I had managed to space out and miss a few questions or mock statements.

“Fuck off. You're pretty annoying today, you know.” I say rubbing my face with my hands, sleepily and tired after practice which only proves how bad we all are.

“We're always annoying.” Miles says as a matter of fact pointing at himself and Alex, as Jack watches all of this as if it were a show we were putting up now for him. But in reality we are always like this, mocking each other to no end and I would rant that someday Miles or Alex will actually wake up with cum in their mouth from the other after a heavy night of drinking and some mistakes will unfold in the morning. Or not mistakes and I would get a heavy kick from under the table and getting a kick from a fellow football player is never fun.

“I would have never fucking guessed.” I say sarcastically and turn around, hoping that they would bring the pizza soon enough but I know that I haven't spaced out enough for it to even get ready and most likely they would get all our pizzas ready and then bring them, not to ruin anyone's mood by not getting one as the same time Jack would, for instance. Jack instead stays out of it, just watching all of us, probably not too confident in nagging about how gay I am or how annoying Alex or Miles seem to be. I would have sat quiet myself, just waiting until I can actually befriend whomever I decide is worthy, but then I have always lived here, so everyone was kind of taken for granted besides the few people who would move in.

“Jack, feel free to fucking annoy Jamie as well, he will surely appreciate some male attention from the depth of his pants.” Alex says taking the salt and fiddling with it, bored.

“You are such a wanker, Alex.” I state, narrowing my eyes and looking at him, just as bored and just participating in the talk because we all try to kill time somehow until life somehow unfolds and we start living instead of numbly dribbling through life.

“You're the one wanking off to blokes.” Miles says as a matter of fact.

“You too, Miles.” I sigh. I feel terribly tired and my body still keeps aching, probably hinting that this would be one of those days where it's just bad all over and my leg will be aching until I decide to do something about it. “A wanker that is. Of course, unless you've decided it's time to address the elephant in the room about you and Alex holding hands under covers. You fuckers still do sleepovers as if you're ten.”

“No need to be so jealous over the fact that you don't get invited, Jamie.” Miles pipes up.

“So I'm not invited to make it a jolly threesome.” I pause and look at them. “I know you both stopped inviting me over once I got it on with Brian, I'll never forget it.”

I look at them with a serious voice but then burst out laughing. It's nothing I can change at all. Homophobia lives on even if you're banging one of your mates, which I will give a hand for which Alex and Miles are doing or will do someday.

“Fine, you want to come over and sleep in a sleeping bag?” Miles asks and I just quiet down, thinking and I glance at poor Jack, who is completely excluded from this conversation.

“Sure. Let's be ten and play monopoly.” I shrug, glancing at Jack again and motioning with my shoulder for Miles to invite Jack over as well, just to be polite and we need to bond with him after all somehow, so a sleepover would be a good idea. I pretend to have done nothing as Jack looks at me.

“You want to sleep over, Jack? I should have enough places, Alex sleeps on my bed since he's a fucking queen anyway. Jamie can take the sleeping bag, so that his hands are tied and you can take the couch or floor.” Miles asks, smiling at Jack. At least we all try to bond somehow, which is always nice and makes it somehow less lonely than it could have easily been.

“Um, yeah, sure.” He says, a bit unused to us addressing him in the conversation most likely. “That is nice of you, since I just joined.”

“Well, you are a part of our team.” I say as I turn to face him. Jack just nods.

“In my previous team we kind of spoke to each other, but not that much. Just some chatter, but no sleepovers or anything, so this is new for me. But it's nice.” He says and smiles briefly at us. He is pretty attractive and I'm starving for anyone who I can imagine who isn't a porn star and I haven't really fallen too low to search very frantically online.

“Of course it's nice.” Miles pauses to think of a comeback and then looks at Alex, who just shrugs, but around the time I notice Alex's eyes light up and I can only guess that the pizza guy is bringing the food finally after all of this weird chatter we usually have and they have to witness and hear above all. The television is off today which makes me wonder how much he had heard and how much he wishes we went somewhere else.

“Are you going to sit there with no filthy addition, Miles?” I ask him, smirking and now it's Miles' turn to flip at me once the pizza guy leaves for the other two pizzas which belong to me and Jack.

“I'm tired and hungry. And on top of everything my arm is still aching from your fucking tackle.” Miles winces touching his aching arm.

“Well, you fucking deserved it. You were too busy yelling something at Alex, which I can't even remember now, so of course you just had to lose the ball somehow, who cares if it was with a bit of force?” I ask taking the knife and fork in hand.


“Well, maybe your mum should have fucking taught you that you should be nicer to fellow football players and not just ram into them. No manners, Jamie, no fucking manners.” Miles sighs mockingly and takes his own cutlery.

-

I should pat myself on the back, I'm trying to keep a schedule where I'm posting at least once a week, so let's see how it goes and how my mental health will allow it. 

I don't think I've ever written so much dialogue and overall I don't think I write so much talking like ever. I tend to focus more on what's going on in the mind, so it was a nice change. And it was very refreshing to do it after writing To Miles and mourning that I had finished part 1. 

I really just kept writing like crazy and just kept going on and on, rather than having some backstory. 

This is actually pretty longer than I had expected and I'm having a brief break from it, picking it up every once in a while to write like anything else which isn't To Miles really. 

I hope you enjoyed it and tell me if you've enjoyed it so far

Thank you

<3

Jamie