Wednesday, 30 July 2014

I'm waiting to greet you

It’s a brief moment of loosening and her falling right through my fingers, as I watch her from the side of the stage and I no longer crave for cigarettes, nothing to numb out the noises which come from the stage, the mumbled and the laughter which I’ve no longer grown to see and I keep watching them and she’s told me what was going to happen and I don’t even look away, I keep staring, now hating the song for much longer than I ever have and they all stumble as if they are not aware, as if Jack is still in his his high school fantasy

and suddenly I’m the one who is old enough

and their lips meet for me to see and I feel my bottom lip ache from the bite and I just grab a guitar from the rack, my whole body shaking-

I don’t smash everything even if I feel destructive and I see someone ask me how am I and I don’t reply, just going to the bathroom and I feel my shoulders shake far more sooner than anything which comes out from my eyes and she’s the one whose always walked away and I keep flinging her in anger away and away, let my bones become nothing but material and I could see myself dissolving, all tears gone much before I’ve even expected them to even start and I just walk back onstage, joining 

and I could feel everyone surprised that I’m even on a stage with him, far too many things flung between us and I had broken up with him much before she even touched him, when she swore she would never date anyone who she admired, gesturing with her hands in front of my face

that to keep me clean she’d have to keep me away, something I still don’t understand and maybe they’re the ones who need this waltz, not me and depression is no longer my friend, but depression becomes me, I don’t think I’m even myself

when he approaches me and I just turn around, the music going in and out and I try to mute it out, with old memories, half a twirl and an old taste comes to the tongue, let it go-

it’s over, it’s all over and my fingers are all covered in blood of all the past relationships and kisses I’ve tried to build with her, my mind never wrapping around anything and my skin seeming to speak for itself, pulling my mouth to tell that I’m alright

Jack is in my changing room. He’s preferred her over me and it’s more than an old rusty love triangle. I pull my suit off

“I’m not with her.”

I don’t even ask why he kissed her as he raises his eyebrows and I think I’ve had enough Americans. 


I was actually thinking to stick this kiss moment into Settle A Quarrel, but the thing is, it's not very fitting and the story takes place before all of that, so yeah. I mean, I honestly thought that the kiss would resolve something but it didn't, they seem to be very on and off and yeah.

So I just decided to write a short story about it:3 yes, I'll continue Fucked at some point >.> I've been slowly picking up old stories, sorry about that! I wrote a bit of Poison The Rose today actually :D so yeah :3 and I've got a bunch of updates coming because so much is written, again Settle A Quarrel has a new chapter :3

I find it odd that Jamie came on stage and even avoided Jack, so I just thought that it was some loose treaty between all of them and dunno, the whole thing was really interesting. 

Me and Callie were joking that Jamie looked a bit nostalgic with so many people onstage xD yay Blyth Power Jamie xD 

Also, I'm sure Jack and Jamie were canon at some point, so yeah :)

I like weird titles, like who is greeting who here, Jack sprouted in mind so yeah:3 Taken from Lana's Bel Air which I was listening to just now:3

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did :3



Monday, 28 July 2014

Snap Out Of It

It’s the noise which pierces and stings, it’s some daft desire as life seems to be bleak, anxiety no longer even pulling me together to do things, it being rolled in by all bed covers and being under the bed to resemble a monster, seems like the only big opportunity to actually grasp. 

Everything seems to be wrong, that even jealousy doesn’t even tickle me and I have no courage to go back somewhere I even should be in.

Life is too bleak and suicide seems like something even bleaker, why would you throw something away which hasn’t even irritated me, it’s just some dull void, which is just there and the window is always open, letting noises in and I let the knocks go louder and I do eventually get yanked out of bed by the extra key, pretty much yanked by my pajamas and I can hear his boots on the empty pizza boxes.

I need to pull myself together.

Jamie lights a cigarette as he pushes me into the shower. He holds his silence, his back turned to the door, as I just slowly force myself under the water, not even feeling it at first.

“You didn’t show up at her funeral.” I don’t even want to grunt, but I just do as a soft answer, as he just glances back at me and it amuses me how he holds his Sunday in suits tradition. Right. I trail my fingers on the tiles. Jamie keeps looking at me as I keep trailing the tiles. “She-”

“I know, she cheated. He was there at the funeral. Miles told me.”

“Cunt. Should’ve kept his mouth shut.”

“Yeah, well, better than you keeping it silent. Since you seem to be fond of secrets.” I grumble and Jamie just looks away, going away to find an ashtray which is deserted among the bed covers in the bedroom. He comes back. 

“So, you honestly think I should’ve told you that again, when the rumors drove you wild, Turner?” 

I shut my eyes and my body jerks, I can’t feel anything. Soon enough I feel Jamie turn off the water and he pulls me close into a hug, as I let out a piercing cry and he just holds me. 

“You broke up with her, that’s why-”

“She cheated! Whilst we were together.” I clutch his suit, he’s all wet now. 

“Things weren’t working out.” He sighs, pulling me close and it amuses me how cold sometimes he is, as he just keeps me close, rocking me back and forth. “That’s why you broke up. It wasn’t the first time-”

“It was the first time I knew!”

“You had your doubts, Alex.” I pat him on the back, so he lets go of me and slowly exits the bathroom, just to step on glass, which causes Jamie to flinch, as he slowly picks up the frame and I just look away. But I can imagine how his face whitens once he sees the photo ripped by the glass shards. I’m also sure he gingerly drops it, by the sound of it. 

It’s a numbness where I don’t even know where to go, days going by and soon into weeks just make me realize how nothing makes sense and how a void just seems to laugh at me, making me ask why if this seemed to make sense, why take everything away from me. I try to shower and eventually Jamie takes off his suit and washes my hair, trying not to pity me, as I had yelled at him when everything just started, when I had just found out and I had yelled at him, to never pity me.

He hands me a cigarette when I’m wrapped up and sitting besides the bed as he makes the covers, glancing at me to make sure I’m still there. The only thing he seems to be less concerned is food, which for some reason I’ve managed to order all over, maybe because it seemed to give an illusion that it would feed me. 

Jamie starts showing me random t-shirts and I keep shaking my head until we both choose a plain black one and jeans, a grey hoodie. I shiver, wondering if he wants to yank me outside, but instead he pushes me out onto the balcony, cigarette box in hand and I just look down to see the lazy street and the people and a dog without a leash. Jamie leans against the rails besides me, sighing, looking at me, confused himself. 

“Do you want to go out?” Both cigarettes are lit and I just shrug and shake my head. He leaves it at that. We keep smoking and I keep glancing at him and I know I’m a mess even if he’s offered to clean up my room entirely while we smoke and I don’t refuse. He doesn’t offer me much besides his company and that seems bright for some reason, when I’d be ignoring his calls for days. I apologize, mumbling. “You need to head out. Miles’ been dying to see you.”

My eyes widen as I discard the half-finished cigarette.

I still see Miles shaken on the door, as I was thinking to go indeed to the funeral and he blurts out the truth, that I shouldn’t be there for someone who cheated.

Haven’t faced him since.

I look down just to get a deja vu of all the last nights when the feeling of ending the loud oblivion seems far too tempting, it’s when all the body can no longer ache and all the mind seems to be thinking of it’s own and seeing a car crash and feeling a pain go through my bones, the sudden flinch made me realize that my fear of getting physically hurt seemed far too scarier than choosing the side of giving myself to death and maybe even joining Arielle. 

I ignore his pleas for me to see Miles, who seemed to be far too stern according to Jamie, who recently had a row, which Jamie wouldn’t speak of and Miles was far too away from my eyesight or mouth to ask. I would watch them and I always wondered but I never asked Jamie’s tense self or how he would hold his eyes on Miles, as everyone’s concern was Alison who would no longer hold and push her arms around his and he would just try to blink the ashes of an old relationship which wasn’t better than mine and Arielle’s. I wondered what would he do if Alison were to give up one day and just like anything, he spoke of himself rarely, Alison muttering to me once that I don’t even know him because there are things he’d never speak of due to some trauma and that would cause me to look at him, see him broken on certain days and that’s when I would change my curiosity for some sudden excuse as an another day which I made sure wouldn’t come.

“C’mon, Al.” Jamie stops and watches me as my eyes are still interested in the void beyond, that if I could try enough I would picture everything there wasn’t and the thought of what lies beyond isn’t even tempting, but the placebo effect that everything might go away is the truest driving force. “I walk for hours a day.” 

He pauses and I narrow my eyes. It’s far more than a few hours a day. I hold my silence on his depression. Whenever it would get bad in the past I’d join him in the morning, only I would run ahead and then I realized that it was far too lonely and we would just walk and that’s when he would slowly ease, Archie far too used for the long walks which were still covered by the dog’s need when Jamie would openly say that it would be the only way to cure the day from feeling as if it was wasted, then he would say that he entertained the dog who doesn’t even notice pigeons from knowing them so well and fast they would fly off.

I feel anxious in his presence sometimes when he’s the one who takes care of me as he pushes me outside and the world feels lighter, I hate it when suddenly depression is taken away and we just start walking and Jamie holds his silence, watching me and I smile briefly, wondering if he’d stay the night watching some movie he wouldn’t enjoy and state so in the morning when both of us would have breakfast, his eyes smiling.


I've been writing this maybe for a few weeks. I was sad that I didn't have some sole Milex from Alex's point of view, as in a long novel and I just wanted to use that and I remember I kept musing on it for a while. I've been writing this and so many other things that I can't even recall how I came up with the plot xD 

It mostly just came from me being depressed and I've been feeling awfully down for quite a while due to everything happening. And also the idea of putting Jamie as Alex's friend came to mind and I quite wanted to follow the idea of discovering one's sexuality because usually I tend to have my characters out already and I guess I want to try the whole coming out at 27 to yourself. I'll just keep quiet about the plot and as I think a bunch of my stories happen, Jamie just squeezes himself in, so I guess we'll see where this is going, but this is more Milex, just that of course Alex is having time out now.

I've got so many stories written which I should post, so I think the next few days will just have at least one update each, so rejoice XD 

I was feeling very down as it's seen and I remember looking at the road and flinching at the sudden car noises so the ending of this story was mostly written with me on the peak of depression and desperation. 

I felt bad about Arielle and I struggled for a bit but with Chung being so fucking problematic, as Callie joked, she doesn't even deserve to be in this story, so Arielle was chosen pretty much to be dead before the story even started. 

I just really like the image of Jamie stepping on the broken frame and then gingerly dropping it.

A lot of the story is built around secrets and whatnot, as let's be honest all three of them hold too many things which are kept, so yeah. I used that and I will be using that. Am I spoiling too much ? xD 

In general I think because of To Miles I ended up loving this love triangle more than I should xD and Jamie and Miles' studio recording session is I think my most rewatched video on youtube hahah xD it melts my heart and I want to hug Jamie there so badly xD 

About the title, to be honest Snap Out Of It was one of the first AM songs I actually got into and I love it, I love it so so much and I frankly am pissed at the shit video and the whole sexualization and I guess the title is my way of saying fuck you to the video xD eh, I'm always angry xD because Al does have to snap out of it

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and Miles should be in the next chapter :3



Wednesday, 23 July 2014

- 2

My hand is still numb in the places he’s touched me and my mind plays tricks on me, saying he’s here when he’s not and I keep lighting cigarettes as they keep going out by themselves as the hours seem to be pushing me towards 1 a.m. again as I actually bother doing pancakes and I feel seeing him as if I should leave a plate for him and not touch it, as it is for the dead.

As I sit I just pull the curtains open and I stare and as I look down to cut the pancakes, I see from the corner of my eye a gray fox jumping in and as soon as I look up it’s gone, but I feel watched, as if he’s standing against the window sill and as I look down the curtains move and that’s when I close them, stuffing my face with pancakes before fear takes my hunger away. 

I feel a brush against my neck and I really wish I had alcohol. 

One minute early the noise comes back and I yank my jacket off the doorknob and pull it on fast, jumping two stairs at a time, as the noise gets faster and harsher and now up the stairs to see no children this time, just blobs of white, the geese now with blood spilling out from their necks, croaks coming out, as the man has his body leaned back on the bench, head leaned back as well, eyes closed and the geese blood stops spilling and the gray fox from earlier strolls by, rubbing by the man’s feet and I notice his high heeled shoes. He opens his eyes, the blood entirely gone and all noise erupts as the blurbs get whiter and whiter until he smiles softly and it’s daylight again

my body aches. 

Depression makes you lose yourself, it makes you do things because you can’t even trust yourself to be alone, I wobble back into the bed, knowing that my day is now my night and my night flashes in a second, just because he wants it to be so and he doesn’t come and watch me in my sleep, I wake alone and it’s dark and I just find whatever is left in my fridge.

I feel as if I’m watching animal planet as I see a cockroach get devoured by a lizard, sucked out and dumped for the lizard to reevaluate their life on the wall opposite my apartment. That freaks me out and I realize that the windows hold too much amusement for my life.

I just drink tea, waiting for one a.m. and that’s when the sprinklers come and a sip later, it’s morning-

“Come on!” I scream and I break the mug, frustrated, my body worn as if I had stayed awake the whole goddamn night. The shards show my reflection a bit too vividly as I pick them up, none of them cutting me as I feel a presence behind me, my whole being aching, all muscles stretched and as if breaking as I already hear the portuguese workers sing their songs and I see a white blur behind me just to see myself there. I start shaking and time seems to be slipping out of my hands as I feel my other self carry me to the bed-


I try not to think of it, scary tales seeming too real and I’m surely not the lizard here.


Ok, before I get to the story, the place which this thing is set as me and Callie unfortunately found out is actually haunted and please understand and avoid such places, but we had this eerie feeling to go there. So it was as if we were telling this to the Sixpenceee blog, it was surreal and creepy. And it was different from what Nick experiences in the story and first of all there are no sprinklers. 

If you ever encounter such things please know what to do, google is your friend as this is common and avoid such locations at odd times. I guess who ever is interested I can tell, just poke me on tumblr but it was very eerie and in general Lisbon is a very eerie and scary place full of ghost stories and just like anything, just don't push it, stay on your side and all. So don't do what me and Callie did by checking out the sprinklers at 1 a.m. there were no sprinklers. I dunno I might use some in the further chapters later but the story takes a different course, I'll see

Either way, everyone stay safe and know that all is well, whatever happens happens to many and all can be avoided or prevented or pretty much you'll be safe again. 

I've written a bunch of things recently so to be honest I've got a lot of things to post, so I'll try to have one post a day. So poke me if you want a specific story as I might have the next chapter for that ready:)

Anyway, I've been very drawn to this story and I've been excited to write about Lisbon as I love taking places which I've visited and since I've been traveling recently I just love doing that. 

Actually rereading this story like the gray fox I saw I'm like holy shit xD coz I didn't  kind of think I saw anyway xD a lot of the things described in this story is what I've seen or felt before tonight so yeah 

Oh yeah and I saw the cockroach get devoured by a lizard. Lisbon has a ridiculous amount of them, a few days ago we were in the centre and one started crawling up my foot and I shook it off, screeching and this guy walked up to me asking and stretching a blunt if I wanted a puff. Yeah, that's Lisbon for you xD

I'm nearly done with chapter 4 so I'm on a roll xD I love writing what can I say? xD 

I hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did :3



Thursday, 17 July 2014


I open the window to still hear the noise, this time louder as if it knows me approaching and the children get louder and a ice cream van is heard. It’s one a.m. again, with me tumbling lightly from the walking I’ve done before and how it seemed fitting to just pack my bags and sometimes trips begin to take you in, doors unlocked,

it’s like sand rattling and the children should be asleep, roosters already reminding me that I’ve left everything for Lisbon, just because break ups get the best of you, SIM card taken out and e-mail once a day becoming the sole food for the thought of home. 

It’s not even that I can smoke in the apartment, as the roosters get louder, as if daylight would come soon and it’s been a while since it had left. 

Sand tingling, all noises mechanic and giving an eerie sense of something supernatural, when frankly ghosts don’t exist unless someone is throwing hands up in the air and saying ‘woooo’ only in a more frightful matter. 

“Fuck off.” I hiss and the noises get louder, people talking just to reassure me that no ghosts exist and I have no cross, no garlic and bloodshot eyes from a break up. I cough. It’s getting late and what I presume to be the sprinklers playing on my lost soul and the children cease to exist and my only resolution is to try tomorrow. I go to sleep, alone, spreading my body as much as I can, just to feel the empty spaces he’s left me with.

The next morning I’m just left alone and the only thing I seem to do is go outside, stock up on some food and crawl back in.

Yes, it’s ok to spend a day inside, inside where I don’t see his face. 

I open the ice cream cake, musing for a bit on what to watch or rather distract myself with, the noises and the dark luring me lightly. It’s far too early for the dark and I’m guessing the noise would come back again at the same time since it’s been the same yesterday and the day before, at one a.m. which is a bit unusual since it’s always midnight and then it’s quite strong at five. I put a spoonful in my mouth, wondering if I will have the guts to exit and see the source of the noise. I didn’t bump into any neighbors and the prospective of knocking on someone else’s door is just as appealing as replying to the inbox. 

The one second I turn on the phone I get a phone call and I nearly pick it up and I know it would be filled with a bunch of apologies and offerings of staying in touch, which seems disasterous and I had left, saying to clear absolutely everything which was his before I come back, because I wanted to come back to the house which he had once walked in. 

Counting the hours to the weird noise just makes me more depressed as I keep watching movie after movie, holding my eyes open, depression giving me exhaustion as I wonder how much more and once it’s midnight I nearly feel like crying on the floor, recalling how he had walked out, saying that he had found someone else, that it just clicked and how bleak I seemed. 

I light a cigarette, not even having enough strength to go outside and in half an hour, it’s over, the silence is graced by the children, the ice cream van and the laughter. As I stand up and slowly walk over to the window, I wonder if a staircase would await me, but instead I just hear it louder, the hissing, as if time would pass and water is no longer in the equation. I grab a cardigan, pulling it on as I head out, past the communist utopia graffiti and I slowly feel fear upon my tongue as I just make a mental note to head towards the odd monument with the beaten up tombstones around it with a fence and that’s when I see a bunch of blur at first I just feel the shiver, how it passes, as if the children were arriving and then as I walk, towards the pond, upper on the stairs, the pond is all dipped in dark and the birds seem to be laying dead-

and then I see a head turn to look in my direction. 

All the noises stop and then the sprinkler bursts with a bunch of white emerging all of a sudden, the sand, the sprinkler, all start yelling in their own noises, the children show up transparent, chasing after each other and the man himself seems to be dipped in air. 

I glance at the pond scared to see the weird geese with red bloody beaks lay with their wings as if crucified and I can feel the man’s presence but he just sits there. 

And all of a sudden, I have a desire to leave, as I put my hands in my pockets and I turn just to find children running in a firm line behind me. The man watches me, his eyes red and hair quite messily arranged, dressed far too warm for a summer night with a plaid overcoat. 

Once I turn to look at him in the eye, he smiles and the children stop and vanish, leaving dusts of light and the birds vibrate lightly. The ghost bites his tongue lightly, smirking before laughing and all bursts again only with more children and this time the sprinklers are on me, the water a bit too stinging and I’m not shaking from the cold and the man wants to yank me out of there but his hands go through mine and I feel where he went through go numb, just that region and I look at him, as he smiles and steps back.

I wipe my eyes from the water, as morning comes and daylight spins on me and I start coughing, all my body aching as people walk with Pingo Doce bags and look at my clothing which is now torn around the hem lightly as if with scissors, my body registering nothing besides a sense of leaving, which I do, back to the apartment.

I sleep on the couch, window open to see my phone flashing 1 p.m. 


I haven't written a proper horror story in ages? xD And last one was Used Lighter as Bar Eyes is lighter. And it pretty much happened when I was sleepy and I heard this odd noise and me and Callie were holding from speaking of it and then we sacredly decided it's a sparkler and now the noise is clearer and our fear is less, but it's a sprinkler xD we're near this park thing and the story pretty much takes place in roughly the apartment we have now with the park nearby. Callie actually offered today to photo me in the location I imagined Jamie to be xD

I had the idea and I was musing which characters to use and Jamie seemed the perfect eerie character but I wanted someone lighter than Al and I kept musing and musing and pretty much decided to use someone I've never really used before and yeah, here he is xD So it's quite a pretty much bizarre pairing coz I've never really seen any Nick Grimshaw/Jamie Hince fanfiction and let alone horror AUs. But they're friends and that always goes a long way online xD

It's not that the place is scary but pretty much everything I see is exaggerated and chucked into the story xD

All locations are accurate and odd xD

I was thinking of a title which seemed fitting and frankly '-' seemed accurate as my mind was blank and I guess I just pronounce it as nothing rather than dash, when it is a dash xD so it's more of the fact that there is no title, not that it's not untitled, it just ceases to exist. 

I hope you enjoyed it because I'm really nervous about this piece as I missed writing horror and the story is quite creepy xD

Please tell me if you enjoyed it so I'll be more confident in the next chapter where things just get creepier :D yay for creepy Hincey xD



Tuesday, 15 July 2014

congratulations to the abuse which i face

Let depression dawn me
Let me with no feeling onshore
As I’m already below the waves,
Some daft reminder that no matter how loud my depression is
I’m mute to the world
Just like I’ve been told
From mouths and mouths and mouths
That I’m not worth

And let that thought

Until like in acid
I will dissolve
Just as silently

As the world wants.


I've never really dropped poetry, but it kind of mostly turned into love poetry which as funny as it is, I keep quite personal these days. 

But sometimes depression takes its toll and my own emotions seem so hard to even turn into something which I can stick into a story that they're just left to turn into a poem.

I just find myself hard, I find myself dealing with myself hard due to all the harassment I've had whilst growing up from people I cared and not and I just care about too many things and I've been losing a lot of people who I cared about simply due to their ignorance and I honestly do feel like when I scream about something like human rights, I honestly feel like no one can hear just like I've been told that I'm a shit who no one will ever care about and then I just get depressed all over again

because frankly I just want to live calmly as who I am and people who aren't facing any sort of discrimination don't get that and I end up feeling that I am worthless and that really gets to me

it gets to me that I can't change society and that I can't change people and when I do, I dismiss it because I've been told that I'm shit and it really clings onto me

sorry I haven't been in the brightest of moods and I've started writing another new story XD which I'm excited but I'm nervous to post so it should be up in the next few days and it has someone who I've never used in a story before and they were just far too fitting :D

Please tell me if you enjoyed it as I've been down and feel silenced

thank you



Sunday, 13 July 2014

Start Finding Passion 2

Jack and Julian both stay over even if me and Jamie share the bed, as I still keep shivering, Jamie also awake, both of us glancing at each other, counting the remaining days, eternity seems to clench our jaws as I still see the hands, as they ruffle mindlessly the bags. As a bag was shown to us later with the knives, more evidence proved and we were allowed out as Jamie’s parents came back, now me and Jamie sitting on opposite sides of the car, pretending to never be lovers even if for the straights you are always straight. 
We showered together, which raised no eyebrows, Jamie’s head against the wall, as I was drying my hair and I kept looking at his back, how he slowly started tanning towards the end and how we both seemed to be getting bored with the outcome of his parents nagging at his lack of a girlfriend, inviting me over for Jaime to have a friend here, that we could share an apartment, but that even after the assault they were offended, that Jamie was still moving to Sweden, they tried their broken English, saying how Brazil is better and their fluent native portuguese, as Jamie would just palen, Julian roll his eyes and tell them to go fuck themselves, Jack polietly watching all of this, hands under the table, closing his eyes from while to while, fighting sleep as he’d dedicate all his awake state to Jamie.
We were alone in the room as Julian and Jamie headed outside to buy some beer and I wondered would I have the guts to ask, our conversations usually being very shallow about how much either of us loved Jamie. 
I think we’re all miserable human beings, only some don’t seem to accept it and mask it with everything they can but that still doesn’t make it happier than all of us as we all hold our regrets dear. It makes me realize it by looking at everything from the kites belonging to people in the favelas and perhaps to the filth who is now laughing at their catch and hissing at us for putting one of them into jail. I feel weird, knowing that they all watch television and they would be doing normal stuff like drinking coke and rooting for Brazil in the world cup. They’re among us and they’re more protected because they’re better than my sexuality in the eyes of justice. 
I shiver and Jack just watches me, we are all miserable, doesn’t matter where everyone is just standing in the undergound looking all grim and we’re all scared of losing-
those who we love, as Jamie opens the door, Julian holding the beers. We all sit down as I watch Jamie sip his beer and soon enough they all leave for a smoke, leaving us alone for a while, since we need our fair share of snogging due to them sleeping over and I just fall into Jamie’s lap, looking at him as he smirks at my idle state and at first I trace his face with my eyes before I press a finger against his forehead trailing it down, next to his eye so that he closes it, showing the rarely placed eyelashes and I travel lower to his lips as he bites the tip of it, watching me with his piercing look, like the one he had given me, full of fear of interest as I trail down to his neck, I take him by the hem of his shirt, pulling Jamie to my level and hungrily kissing him, nearly biting ‘til blood. 
We’re all miserable because we don’t-
believe in ourselves so much that it becomes-
Jack and Julian walk in, Julian grinning at his own lightness and I just watch him,
chemical. The first few days come and go far too fast as we all just remain inside, Julian only heading back to his and Jamie’s parents apparently judging Jack’s choice to stay in Barra, which seems a bit odd, but I just slowly start clasping the elitism which rages here, but disappears when it comes to eating out on the beach. 
I grunt as we make our way, but I ease once I get hot pastel in my hands, as Jack still skeptically checks out the menu and I take the piss saying that there’s none with salty licorice and he flips at me, as Julian watches the both of us. 
“The only thing I enjoy in Brazil, is the fucking pastel.” I whine, still a bit uncomfortable from seeing black youths up to the point that Jamie has to hold my knee under the table and soothe me quietly, leaning against my ear, if the situation allows it as Brazil isn’t the most favorable country to have two gay men kissing passionately or even share an intimate moment. 
I start dreading the days as they keep going and me and Jamie have played all the board games he’s had and Jack had yanked us twice to the Barra apartment, which was pretty much neat and not as fancy as Jamie’s sole room. We had decided to stay over, to which I had woken up to see Jamie about to wake me up. Insomnia destroying us both, as we headed out for a smoke. 
I didn’t want to lose to Jack, it wasn’t even a game, it was sole paranoia. It wasn’t even a dance, it was an awkward stumble as I would watch them, I would see Jack quickly eye me before he would ask Jamie something or irritate him with a better knowledge of portuguese than I had. I had tried before we arrived and I had trained, but it was far worse than I would ever think, while Jack could tell Jamie something, which would cause him to try and stab Jack’s arm with the fork. 
I was far too close to actually doing a column which would have Alex and Jack and I would try and see who was better. I don’t even know why he was with me and the fact that Jamie’s dad was in charge of the current soap opera seemed to intimidate me, as I would see people protests in the malls of Brasilia that they disliked one of the characters. I knew Jamie’s monthly allowance and he would joke that if his dad died, he would never even had to work and that intimidated me to no end, but instead he told me that then I could just do whatever I wanted and help in any way without asking anything else in return.
“Why don’t you come out to your dad?” Jack asks as we’re surrounded by pastel again, this time take away, as Julian seems to observe everything curiously, sometimes asking far too many questions to Jamie in portuguese, that some of them are understood by Jack and personally translated by my boyfriend to me. Jamie just flinches.
“I wouldn’t get an allowance and that money would be wasted, it wouldn’t be given to charity and frankly I have no intention of stealing someone’s job just because I need money.” Jamie shrugs and his ideology seems to be doubted by Jack, who is eating a guava pastel. 
“What if something happens to him, like… what if he dies, then he’d never know.”
“Then, he’d never know. Better to keep things calm.” Jamie snaps and I just make mental points, that Jamie would maybe leave Jack, if they were together and my PTSD gives me far too many flashes when I’m awake, keeping my dreams thankfully stale. 
I keep looking at them both, myself still seeming bleak and my reality sometimes far too shrudded with the black youth who seem to be pouncing on me when I get enough sleep, their hands wandering all over my belongings and the fact that they’re still out there, seems like a rational decision for all of us to cut our trip short, just like the police had told us and Julian decides to go with us, as we waste the rest of our money on another trip, in hope of something much more successful as Jack visits me in the dream, now his hair all flaming and he holds my face in his hands, I feel the warmth and his face approaching,
I see him handing me apples, before he allows me to collapse on the floor, his hair playing turmoil in my dreams, as he wears-
I feel someone yank him for me to escape my grasp, but I don’t see their face, but Jack keeps giving me apples and I feel a bit soothed, not knowing-
Fear wakes me up, as Jamie yanks me up, saying that the tickets were bought abruptly and Madrid chosen as a destination, which makes me grunt as I state that I’ve been there. But apparently everyone has, ages ago, as well and that Julian had wanted to see Pride, all of us being open Europeans and what not that we believe in. 
We dress up fancier for a dinner, which is pretty much in a Brazilian restaurant, everyone exclaiming to me and Jack that the meat is common for the North of Brazil and we just nod, trying it and I just seem to be missing pastel, as more beer is poured into everyone’s glass and I just keep glancing at Jamie, who seemed to be in some small fight with his dad, exclaiming far too many things in Portuguese. 
“Education.” Jack whispers into my ear and I just thank him, as Julian notices my distressed state and just asks me what do I want to see in Madrid and I just reply that I’m homesick for a proper selection of pick and mix in any Swedish store. That night I angrily fall asleep to recalling the small beach in Lidingö where I had yanked Jamie out and he just kept complaining how cold it was, the box of candy left at some random bus stop ages ago and I had watched him, nearly pushing him off into the water and then he had just yanked me and kissed me, the feelings always fresh and tender, rushing whenever we’d kiss and once we’d be back I’d pull all his clothes off, both of us grinding and biting, faces roughly cold from the wind-
I made passionflower tea when we were back, Jamie still unused to tea and the amounts I’d drinks as he’d watch me boil the water, no longer muttering why the fuck did the house have a lack of a kettle, but for Jamie it was always a coffee machine. I looked at him, it’s funny how sometimes we might hate the homes we were raised in, but we’d still have a lot of traits printed upon us, a fragment of a place we were raised and something those attributes made us the people others would love and ourselves would be content with being. 
I loved him far too much, for loss to be a normal thing. I spilled the tea, reality far too concerned with my alienation. 
In the morning I yank everyone out to a pastel place and I order far too many, which gets me a sidelook from everyone, besides Jack who is enjoying the last moments of Coconut water and we just make faces at each other. 
“Pastel is the only goddamn thing, I’ll miss about Brazil.” I moan, as I keep waiting for them, a bit uncomfortable from looking at the sea and still flinching at every single black youth I keep seeing or the weird guys who offer to buy peanuts and spill samples on the table. Jamie just lights a cigarette, before offering to the rest. The mood is a bit sultry, as Julian starts moaning about classes starting and Jamie’s shoulders tense up a bit so that I just throw an arm over him and he nearly breathes smoke into my face and gives a small smile, putting his hand on my leg. 
“You’re gay yeah, Julian?” The obvious has to be stated to Jack’s question and Julian juts nods and smiles briefly at me, since we’re sitting opposite and I want too much beer, enough fizzy drinks, I’ll raid it back home and sleep seems to take me too far in and I dream of Jack and Jamie and the thought comes crashing, leaving me exposed for the rest of the day and morning as I watch them. I can’t help but even sit with Julian, as I ease with him being gay as well. The morning is spent with everyone already seemingly getting drunk, Jamie’s room being thrashed as the just walks over his wardrobe on the floor, thinking what should he leave, since he had muttered to me that he doesn’t plan on coming back to Brazil any time soon. 

“Do you think you can break fate though?” Julian asks all of a sudden sipping on beer, as Jamie already managed to draw a rainbow from some old eyeliner he used to use on Jack’s face, which made my whole body tingle and I just turn to Julian.
“Because sometimes you’re fated, but what if something happens and fate twists and everything just falls apart or would that still mean that it’s fated?” He continues asking, still looking at me and I keep wondering if I should continue being chummy with him, as he continues looking at me with his big brown eyes. I just continue sucking on the beer bottle to distract myself as the question is thrown wide open in the air. 
Jack glances at me and then at Jamie, one eye closed as Jamie continues making his face full of rainbows, as Jack speaks. 
“Fate can break, but then all is fated. So it’s fated for fate to be broken.”
When we are at the airport the parents both cling onto me, apologizing for the assault which makes me shudder and don’t even allow me to speak, as they keep thanking me for dragging Jamie along.
"Don’t forget to bring your girlfriends next time or don’t worry you can easily find a lovely Brazilian girl here next time if you set yourself the goal." Jamie’s mom says before she tells me to take care of him and we leave after they let go of both of us. I look away a bit uncomfortable, wondering yet knowing exactly how Jamie feels about never feeling closure with his parents and gingerly taking the month’s allowance saying that it’s the price they pay for homophobia, that it’s far too ironic and that it’s what he would do regardless even if it wasn’t offered to him. 
"Yeah, by taking care, they meant swallow or spit if it’s too gross." I smirk, taking my boyfriend’s hand as soon as we’re out of sight and are split up to put our bags through the scanners. Whenever Jamie gets a chance he flips at me, with two fingers which is thankfully making the rest seem oblivious to our gesture as I peck him as soon as we’re out. 
"I’m sure they meant that in a heterosexual context as well, Jamie." I smirk, adding my comment a bit too late, but making Jamie laugh lightly, as we make our way to the gate to see Jack in the duty free zone buying more tacky souvenirs as we were both not even aware of he was flying today, yet he vowed he told everyone that he had said bye to everyone. I stare at his two newly bought pairs of Havaianas, which both have the Brazilian small flag on the straps, one which is already on the feet to greet the transatlantic flight. I would burn my own shirt if it wasn’t given to me by Jamie a few years ago. 
Julian arrives late and we hold an awkward silence between us for some reason as I see him looking at me and pouting out the candy section, as we both head off. I feel his piercing silence and it make me feel uncomfortable. I try to find any of the sour pops which I usually end up buying in any pick and mix in Sweden and Julian just continues watching me. I’ve forgotten that some people do find me attractive and that if I could I could’ve gotten someone else, but as soon as Jamie and Jack come back, I still get jealous

Because just because I can get someone else, doesn’t mean that I can hold Jamie down. 

"Your loneliness is going to destroy you." Julian tells me as I refuse to go somewhere with Jamie, my mind dazing off to stare at Jack, who himself is amused by my idleness. It’s our turn to watch the backpacks and he’s staring at me and I feel a bit too uncomfortable, that I just feel like a need a smoke even if I had once recently before we all headed to the gates and my mind is used to the fact that I’ll be smoke less for many hours with gum stuck to all my teeth. 

“Pardon?” I ask and I feel myself shake a bit, as I look back to see Jamie and Jack laughing at some postcards and Jack keeps watching Jamie, lovingly, but thankfully the wolf is not pouncing yet and I don’t think he will, but the fear keeps eating me alive, as Jack confessed sleepily that once me and Jamie will break, he will put all his cards out and, eyes closed he turned to face me, saying that we would never be together anyway, with me being all over the place. It was like putting cards out and finding out that your card is the one on the not loving enough spot. 

Now Julian watches Jack and Jamie. He keeps his silence, watching me and eventually smiles softly and I just sigh, trying to ease, with my own belief in Jamie’s infidelity which is nonexistent. It’s my own infidelity in the belief that he’ll leave me. And sometimes you’re the one which releases the spider. I could hear Jack hiss. He’d tell me he’d know fate, just because I was too predictable. 


Sorry this story is quite hard to write due to the PTSD and I think in general Blue/Jacket and Start Finding Passion are really really thought through and I've been really musing on both of them a lot, because even if Miles isn't here I've still got a bunch to pretty much explain and wind up xD

I think actually one of the biggest compliments I've gotten about this story was from Callie who told me that I made Julian rather Brazilian, when I was really focusing to make Jamie such and didn't realize that I managed to make Juju as well, so yay :D 

I really like describing Jamie, it's everywhere in my stories, so no surprise xD

I dunno, I just really used my chance to show I guess the insides of how a Brazilian's family mind works with the whole Brazil ideology and seeing it all painfully with Callie, just makes me sad and I just wanted to share that and show the depth of Jamie's family I guess. I just like giving backgrounds and I've also decided on Alex's family as well, since it's never mentioned and should be mentioned soon, also his choice of being a nurse. 

I actually do enjoy pastel and me and Callie ended up laughing that we were eating out for the first time in a while and we chose some Rio inspired Pastel place where we ended up with pineapple juice with mint and açai, so it was funny that we ended up pretty much excited to find some Brazilian cuisine. They had brigadeiros and all. xD 

So I've pretty much been giving Alex my taste in food, for the pick and mix and the pastel xD yeah, but it's more beach food so you don't find it in Brazilian restaurants unfortunately, well, I did find some in restaurants but back in Brazil. 

Lidingö is a region of greater Stockholm and it's an island and it's really really pretty and me and Callie lived there for a while. I dragged Callie out once to the beach and it was freezing and we had a thermos and I wrote a part of To Miles on a picnic bench there. 

I dunno I pretty much wrote everything in the story and a lot is me trying to keep silent here not to spoil anything. xD Sorry!

Sorry I've been down the past few days so I didn't post anything even if I've been writing and I've got four new started stories and old ones slowly getting updated and what not:3 so yeah!

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did, as I really love this story to bits!

Please tell me if you liked it :)



Sunday, 6 July 2014


I kept thinking about Kate but I couldn’t bring myself to call and it’s nagging and I’ve been terrified to do so. It’s as if I am in exam season again and I couldn’t force myself to pick up the books, thinking that all is lost and I start seeing gay couples all over, especially women holding their hands and I even walked into a gay bar, having a woman hit on me but I said I am waiting for a friend, looking at the empty dancefloor, wondering far too much. It feels odd. I remember I had a crush on a girl in school and she was awfully girly. But back then it was different, there was nothing about sexuality, it was about mere attraction and it was among the exams.

It was the first time I had touched myself to a woman and it was like a fire unleashed, my whole body was whining with guilt and when I came it was like the first time, like I haven’t ever breathed air and now I was getting a gulp and it was hot.

Just like Kate is.

I always liked Kate even when she was a model, I admired her, I liked the looks she could pull off and I couldn’t. She was always there, there truly is one majestic Kate in London. Like that tacky ad with her naked. I wanted her, I even wanted to draw her, how being close to her self I’d be, drugs reflected on her breasts, I want her smoked lips and find holes for any lost injections, I want to hold her down on a seizure.

I was starting to fall in love with a sensation.

And that’s when you realize how gay you are. 

I could see her becoming the queen, she should’ve been queen, gracious and with fucking morals. But I’m not supposed to say anything, so I won’t and the thought is not a sin told by those who hate homosexuals. 

She is in my mind, not even just like sex, but like a person, I want her style, I want to be hand in hand when she wears diamonds and a plain black shirt from GAP just because it goes to charity even if she’ll give a hundred that day. 

Kate did fashion, I just did music which I cannot now compose with her husband. I avoid Jamie because I want to, I’ve never felt so disgusted by being touched by a man, now men avoid me. I’m not shaving my head, even if I want to, I still have to think of an image, an image which Kate has and I don’t. I don’t even look back at Jamie when he leaves the kitchen, wondering where the fuck has our fire gone and why had it shifted to his wife instead. 

It was as if I could’ve been her wife. 

And she stands there, thinking of her words, pushing her blonde hair back, getting a pack of cigarettes from a kitchen drawer and lighting one, passing the box towards me and then she leans to the side, to see if Jamie surely left and that’s when she quickly glances at her nude dyed nails and motions for me to get closer to her. I feel myself get excited and I recall her entirely especially her moans and I don’t hold and I lean in, as she just leans back.

“Jamie’s s’posed to leave later in about an hour. He’s just meeting someone. Come back then.” And then she picks up the press again. 

“Jamie, Alison’s leaving!” They both kiss me on the cheek as I am escorted out and my veins start counting an hour down. 


And I'm back. I dunno I just started looking through all of The Kills stories which I had put on hold and I just really miss them, I miss the format and I really love the stories. Also I had pretty much rerooted back to how the story was originally planned to end, because before I was thinking to shift and yeah:3 I hope I talk in clues coz sometimes I get scared what if everything is too obvious xD 

It's actually funny because before I used to have a separate file for each chapter of a story and the beginning of this chapter should've been the previous but I decided to chuck it in as past tense because it's a needed chunk:) and I've written ahead, the next chapter is nearly done, so please please tell me if you also missed the story like I did :3


Saturday, 5 July 2014

Broken Black Varnish Requiem 6

I don’t recall Jamie even knowing how to make cocktails, but he did and we’re sitting eating his usual grilled cheese, which I’m guessing is the only thing he survives on whenever he’s single if he doesn’t bum to me and Alex. 

“Hey, Alison.” Both me and Jamie move our heads to see that Jack is waving, sunglasses on and in some shirt, smiling and Jamie puts his sandwich back on the plate. I softly nudge him to hold his fucking dick in his pants. “Sorry, can I borrow some salt coz I have this thing on tonight and I was pretty much getting the meat ready and yeah.”

He scratches his head and I can’t help but look at his curls. Alex chopped of all his hair quite a while ago, stylizing into a lazy quiff these days if he can ever be bothered. I wonder if Jamie himself is staring at the tall man or if it’s just me getting caught red handed. I nod, asking for a minute, as I just hear Jamie.

“What thing? Can I join?” And I hear Jack laugh in reply and I’m guessing Jamie made his way in, as I walk in to get a text from Alex that he’d have some meeting and he’ll have to stay later. I blush at the sudden coincidence, now that I see Jamie walking up to Jack from the kitchen window. I get the salt and I hope Jamie doesn’t get too close and I imagine them kissing and the thought of Jack’s lips, makes me lose control and I spill the salt slightly. 


I throw it over my shoulder and I carry the rest, Jamie winking at me. 

“Jack’s inviting all of us for the... thing.” Jamie doesn’t even know what the fuck is it.

“It’s my divorce anniversary.” We both look at him confused, as he just slightly hangs his head, realizing the absurdity which seems normal to him, which is obscure to us. “My children enjoy parties and when me and Karen divorced we threw one and they want one each year.”

“Karen.” Jamie motions. “Your ex-wife?”

“Yeah.” He pauses and I would slap my face in embarrassment if I was Jamie. “But I’m single now, so...”

He glances at both of us. 

I presume he plays for both teams and I just raise an eyebrow at Jamie. 

“I’m single too.” My best friend beams. I interrupt both of them. 

“Yeah, well, good for you singles, I’m married.” I say, feeling the weight on my dark blue ring, which gets a side glance from every male standing next to me or over the fence. 

“Married life sucks, no offense to you and your husband.” Jack crosses a line, but he just goes on. “I don’t believe in monogamy and marriage seems to enforce it, I mean too many things break anyway.”

He glances at Jamie.

“It’s the same with all sexes and all marriages.” I look at Jamie, who seems to be caught in thought and I wonder if he’s a player or polyamorous and how much had he sneaked around if Karen didn’t stay. I keep looking at Jamie, who seems to be very interested in the neighbor and in the end, I ask Jamie to help me inside twice and only then we leave, promising to come to the divorce party. 


Sorry, I had written this a while ago and I really wanted it up, so here it is!

Oh, yeah, I had the idea of Jack having a divorce party every year and yeah, of course Jamie is dragging Alison xD I pretty much sat and wrote about four chapters because I missed the story and in general I miss and enjoy the short story format, I started writing Threesome again as well :D 

So I've got the next chapter of Broken Black Varnish Requiem and Threesome as well and yeah, just ask me really and I'll posting them in the next few days :D

And I have the next chapter ready, if you're reading this, feel free to message me and yeah, ask anything or just tell me if you liked it as it really means a lot to me, because I've been quite down and yeah, thank you for all your support and love



Friday, 4 July 2014

No. 1 Party Anthem

It’s just knowing that he wouldn’t go for you. I keep looking at him, across the dancefloor, beer still in hand and shuffling always around ladies and people softly mocking me that I should take one as well, that I would have as much bravado as he does if I ever wanted to. But instead, being closeted is more than an appealing option and the question is just thrown around, like why I’m I still fucking around here where cigarettes are smoked and discarded and where no man will even look at me twice, even he wouldn’t. 

The music keeps pounding and if I were to approach him, he would see it as friendly gesture, honestly thinking that there is nothing homoerotic between two male friends, people are daft like that. 

I have to discard my cigarette again and I try to find some beer in the kitchen, raiding the refrigerator which for some odd reason has jelly stuck on it’s walls and I can’t help but feel stale beer approach me. He mocking kicks the door on me, so that it could’ve been a guillotine and I lift my head up to see a drunk smirk. 

“Oi.” Foot in shoes still on the white door. I’m not the owner, neither am I the guest of honor to protest, I just raid to find an unopened beer bottle. 

I have to look at his intrigued dark eyes and I try not to focus on how he is slightly illuminated in this cheap kitchen, which seems to be some decent rent or how he takes a swing of beer. He passes it onto me.

It shouldn’t contain ruffies, he’s straight.

I drink from it. 

I love daft straight men. I straighten up and he puts his arm around my shoulders and pushes with me to the dancefloor which is a cramped up living room. He yells some artist I am not aware of and the music is changed so that I can observe his horrible dancing and his back turned to me and face to the ladies. 

“Fuck this.” I mutter under my breath and I take one swing and I feel tempted to throw the bottle down and frankly, it wouldn’t matter because the music is loud, heels are solid and platforms are worn. I throw the bottle down, a few people glancing at me, along with the man with the intriguing eyes, he follows me slowly out. I grab my leather jacket, zipping it and he observes me.

“You caused a ruckus.” He laughs, still looking at me. 

“Yeah, well, the party sucked.” I say, playing with the zipper as he watches me.

“I’m the host of the party, Alex.” I nod and we shake hands, formally. I narrow my eyes, not even wanting to look at his messed quiff any longer and frankly I am overdue on work, I should really get the fuck out at least I would have some excuse to get drunk or decide to drink some xanax before sleep. People don’t help you and my last therapist sucked anyways. 

“Miles.” I mutter.

“Where are you heading off then, to?” Alex asks me and I recall his daft dancing and I just shrug, as Alex takes the chance to light a cigarette, taking a box from someone elses’ jacket and I’m guessing him providing booze seems to give him the excuse that he may do such things, as steal someone else’s cigarettes. 

“Home.” I start rocking on my heels, due to the impatience and I regret wearing my white jeans, they deserve to see something better and I’m sure the ends of them are now soaked in beer, just like my shoes, but it seems like a fitting end to a party, which could’ve been better. 

“Cool. Can I join?” Alex asks and he takes one of the jackets and I presume it’s his with the tightness and some coolness added to it. He zips his own, because it is fucking cold and I just stare at him. “What? I’m joining you. My party can go on without me, I’ll still be tagged in photos.” 

I just shake my head and ask a cigarette off him, as we start walking in silence, but he keeps observing me, a bit too straightforward and I can’t even be bothered to start a conversation. We keep walking and he gives me some loyaltly, that he trusts that I will actually lead him home, that I am even aware of where I live and soon enough he just brightens up at the sounds of my keys taken out of my pocket by the appearence of the block of flats, I just sigh as he keeps watching me. 

“Why are you even following me?” I ask. 

“I got told you have a nice apartment and that you’re cool. Also that you’re sad coz you broke up recently. You ok?” I even try to remember which friends do we even share since I’m rather fond of even having no one on my porch, I open up the door, not hiding my frustration from sharing my evening with someone else, as we both discard our jackets and I can imagine that such said friend would knock on the door tomorrow, demanding me to reveal the man which had passed out drunk on my couch on vodka, which had been gifted for my birthday due to lack of creativity and observation that I had a man which didn’t even come close to me. 

“Yeah. My ex-boyfriend was an asshole, though.” I stress on the ex-boyfriend, a smile creeping on my lips, as Alex’s shallow straight world seems to collapse. He widens his dark brown eyes and kicks the rug under his feet a bit. I wonder if I have to repeat ex-boyfriend out loud, but he seems to still be taking that in. 

“I... I didn’t realize you’re gay.” Is the phrase uttered. 

“Well, maybe that’s why you shouldn’t go around following blokes back home.” I snap back, kicking off my shoes and going to the kitchen in my socks. “So, straight boy, you want tea or do we just have sex now?”

I seem to be taking the piss too much, as Alex just walks in, shoes still on and shiny, which is a miracle for autumn as he just observes me and the apartment is nice, I’ve pretty much moved in here after university and decorated every piece of wall I could with whatever I had found attractive, a cut out or a vinyl sleeve. 


“Sex later, then?”

He keeps quiet on the whole sex thing and I wonder how did he even manage to crawl from university. I pour both of us some fruit tea, watching him observe the walls and slowly dissolve into thinking that he is caught in a trap and I just watch him amused, he is far too striking with his self, his hair properly quiffed, eyes far too round and skin far too young and even having some traces of acne, which he seems not to bother much with. Alex catches me staring at him and I just shrug. We’re both the same age, but he seems lighter, because he doesn’t have too many things on his shoulders, whilist I have too many and with my own mental health banging the hours like a clock, reminding me of the misery I am fated in. 

He seems to have slowly taken the stance that he might still end up here for a while, since he already crawled in, Alex just checks his phone to see that his absence is unnoticed and maybe appreatiated because then the bedroom can be thrashed with straight sex and whatnot. I watch him sulk with a conflict of interests and in the awkward silence when the tea steam seems to be dominating the kitchen and the small table. 

I see his conflict of interests and I wonder where do I even shift the topic to or should I just let this silence blossom. I wonder how do you even hold a proper conversation, it’s a bit different if it’s someone queer like Jamie, who will just keep rolling up cigarettes, and keep talking about his on and off ex, whining on and off, who would never shut up and who we can end up sitting, watching television and saying who’s gay or not. What do I even do with someone like Alex?

I barely even watched the World Cup this year and even then I’m sure I rooted later for teams he didn’t even care about, as England was kicked off far too early. I start tapping my fingers on the table, as Alex seems to be rather fond of all of this. 

“So... what do you do?” He asks me. 

“Excuse me?” I just seem as if I am repeating my own confusion. 

“For a living?” Alex phrases his question and his eyes are caught on mine and we both realize that we are far too absurd to be with each other at this point, Alex being the wrong man on the wrong hookup, our tongues should’ve been in someone’s mouths at this point and our partners seem to have different genders. 

“I’m a journalist.” I mutter, wondering if he expected me to have typewriters and a more explosive apartment, perhaps like Jamie’s and Brian’s whenever they seem to be on, but then the apartment just seems to be half empty, but still has all the musical junk lying around and whenever their groups aren’t fighting and whenever Jamie yanks me to some small pub where either he or Brian are playing. 

“Oh.” Alex doesn’t even bother to ask which magazine or newspaper for, as he just randomly stands up and starts walking around, stopping on the shelves filled with every goddamn book you can scrap off in Waterstone’s which could be gay or anytime I can force myself to go to some bookstore which would have anything interesting. “How did you know you’re gay?”

I start laughing at his daft question and he just looks at me, a bit scared and slowly resembling a moth flying towards a flame and I just wonder if he would actually crack by the end of this. I go back to my jacket and I get out a cigarette for myself, putting it between my lips and offering him one. We both light our own, but the thought of lighting mine from his or the opposite, seems far too appealing and Alex’s fear seems to be dissolving, maybe that one crack which then straight men seem to hide, I don’t know for I’ve been with far too many men in my head to be considered straight or something else on the Kinsey scale. 

“How did you know you were straight?”

“Women turn me on?”

“Yeah, well, I wank to men. Does that answer your question?” I smirk, really holding from laughter and I look away so that I don’t blow smoke in his face. 

“Yeah.” Alex looks a bit too lost and I imagine, just like I felt odd at the straight party, because I just couldn’t handle ending up in some calm evening with Brian and Jamie until some shag on the side would emerge, which would fire up Jamie and for an understandable reason and they would kick me out of the apartment to resume their argument, takeout in hand. 

“You ever had anything with a bloke?” I ask Alex and he just looks at me and I’m sure he wished he had some alcohol drink in hand. Instead he just focuses on his cigarette and he closes his eyes, as he slowly inhales and opens his mouth to exhale, opening one eye as he catches me looking at his eyelashes. 

“No. I wondered though, but briefly. Decided that it’s too...” I blink, waiting for the vague word which I wouldn’t understand regarding my sexuality, but instead Alex just wanders off and he starts pacing from the living room into my bedroom, touching the frame of the door with his hand as he walks in. I sigh. I watch him observe the few scattered photos on the wall which is mainly with people who I’ve forgotten over the years, but the walls haven’t. I watch him keep checking stuff, just to avoid dialogue and I just sit on the bed and eventually I just throw myself back on it, arms stretched out and I just feel Alex shift to sit next to me. Both cigarettes now discarded in the small ashtray on the bedside table. 

“Is it the same?”

“The same to what?”

“Straight.” I open my eyes to see him laying besides me. I blink at his sudden shift and change of emotion and heart. Maybe he will just blame it on the alcohol and I cough lightly,  a bit cold due to the lazy heaters and I can’t be bothered to even turn the heaters up fully because the day was rather warm unlike the night which grazes us. 

“What if I’m not straight?” Alex asks to the ceiling as he just stays besides me, looking up and I can get a full look of his face and his slim body and I just feel a bit excited, but I try to shake it off, but it’s harder with him on my bed and the fact that I had noticed him on the dancefloor because he was far too goodlooking and it was a roll of the dice, joking with myself, that perhaps he wouldn’t be straight and that I would drag him to my bed and here he is. 

“That’s something you have to answer for yourself.” I shrug. “Ever wanked to a bloke?”


“So I presume sex neither. Crushes?”

All questions I can come up with seem to have a negative reply and his worried face and eyes glued to the ceiling. I feel like I am a porn actor where the straight boy says that he is open-minded and the daddy bear just pounces, only I happen to have shaved myself and am nothing closer to a bear along with Jamie and Brian, who seem to be even less hairy than I ever was when born. I imagine them looking at me with a judging look, dining with cigarettes in their hands and black coffee for Jamie, milk deliberately on Brian’s side. 

“But if I try, that doesn’t make me gay?”

“No, but that doesn’t make you straighter either.” I smirk and I turn my head to face him and he slowly moves and I can see his lips. I swallow slowly, feeling a bit excited and pretty much understanding that if I do the right twists and turns, I’ll get a one night stand, which would leave Brian laughing and clapping because I’m more than sure that the next day he will wake up and leave the house, promising to never sleep with a man again and I will only be talk in a very drunk state to other men, the irony. I continue grinning for the fuck of it. “So I presume you want no toys for now, then?”

“Excuse me?” Alex blinks, a bit pale and I have no idea where should I even be dragging this to. 

“As in, what do you want then?” I sit up slightly, grabbing a pillow and putting it under my head. I take the second pillow and I stretch it out to him. Alex looks at the pillow and he leans over me and I watch him, I watch his lips, slightly opened and I just freeze, wondering what the fuck is happening and which buttons should I press once his lips are over mine and I feel his taste on my tongue, as I pull him over me, realizing that he must’ve been hard for quite a while and I thread my fingers over his gelled hair, getting it out of place, as he gently pulls my bottom lip and I guess he knew what the fuck he was going for or maybe he had realized that since he’s here he might as well just do his little experiment and I wonder if I am even up for this, but my tongue and mouth seem to be on their own, my pants tightening as he is entirely over me. I push him off to pin him down, taking him by his wrists, watching his bewildered and excited face

of something forbidden from his subconscious to conscious. 

He bucks his hips forward, closing his eyes to make sure to hide his reaction, as he bites his lips from a moan, as I lick his lips and I kiss his cheek down to his jaw and I slowly start biting his neck, Alex now wincing and I suck on his neck harder, as he doesn’t seem to be in control of his whole body, as I feel his erection dig into me. I wonder how clueless he is as I unzip his jeans and kiss his cock over the fabric of his cock, pulling his jeans off, as Alex opens his eyes, far too shy up to the point that I feel like I have to ask him if he even wants this, but instead he pushes my head down and as I slowly take him in my mouth, he holds my head and thrusts, making me gag lightly and push his hips down

“Sorry.” I just motion with my hand for him not to worry, as I slowly start booming him, as he clutches the covers, apparently now shy with asking and being more patient as I take him out of my mouth as I slowly start tracing the tip of the cock with my fingers, teasing it, as I go down with my fingers and up again, now repeating the movement with my tongue and slowly using my other hand to stroke his cock. Alex starts moaning louder, his hands back and pulling my hair so that I take him back in my mouth. I let him thrust as hard as he can, as I feel myself more turned on so I slowly start touching myself and I have to let both go of both of us so that we don’t come. Alex looks at me painfully turned on and pulls me closer to kiss him. I pull him closer to me, as we pull away the remaining items of clothing. He starts biting my shoulder, running his hands through my body, grinding against me, still bewildered and excited, lost with no confusion, just some daft idea which most likely crossed his head maybe also back then on the dancefloor. 

“Fuck me.” He breathes and I just blink. Well, that was expected in this light of the night with his cock bucking against my hand. I kiss him, pushing my tongue against his, as I stretch to the bedside table, opening a drawer and I keep ruffling all the toys and condoms, as I have to break the kiss to glance at the condoms, as I stop to think for a second. I grab the lube though. 

“When was the last time you got checked?” I ask, opening a new box of condoms, figuring he’d need the extra lubed ones.


“When was the last time you got tested?”

“...I have no idea.” I blink at him, confused. Are straight people really that reckless? Where are the campaigns? Oh, right, they don’t need those at Straight Pride, since of course only the gays can get AIDs. I grab the condom, sighing, that I should’ve started this before. I open one, my mouth now on his nipple, as I hear him moan, sliding the condom on. I tap his leg for him to spread them out and he does. I slowly slide one lubed finger in, hearing him moan as I lick my way down to his excited cock as I keep sucking harder and harder, sliding a second finger in as Alex keeps pulling me by the hair, moaning much louder, thrusting his cock deeper into my mouth, as I keep sliding my fingers in and out, sliding a third finger just in case, now slower, as I see him moan louder. 

I start licking his cock slowly, trying to turn him on as much as possible, sliding the fingers in and out, in and out, licking his cock up and down and then taking it in my mouth, as much as I can and repeat it all over and over again. I feel Alex near and that’s when I kiss him, telling him to switch onto his stomach. He does so, as I keep stroking him now, lubing up my cock again as I spread him out

“Tell me if it aches, yeah?”

“It’s supposed to ache?” I roll my eyes. I hesitate if I should actually reply and I do, saying that he should say if anything is discomforting in any way. I slide my fingers over the tip of his cock, licking his neck before biting it and I slowly slide in, a loud moan from Alex. I start stroking him harder, contuing to slide in, biting his neck, pushing my fingers into his mouth for him to suck, his quiff entirely destroyed and face filled with pleasure and I kiss his shoulder as I get a more steady pace, as he keeps moaning-

“Deeper.” I swallow, too turned on and I start biting his shoulder, sucking on it, my hand clumsily stroking him now due to pleasure

“Deeper, Miles”


I start breathing heavier as Alex thrusts against me, moaning harder, clutching me from behind, turning his head to kiss me as I keep going deeper and deeper, harder, deeper, harder

I break the kiss, breathing far too heavy, turned on, Alex thrusting harder and screaming out, I open my eyes to see his orgasm, feel the fluid start running against my fingers and I thrust far too deep and I scream myself, both of us contuining to thrust for a while, until the orgasm lets go of both of us-

I collapse on top of him, my lips finding his, as I still kiss him hungrily, slowly pulling out, Alex wincing lightly, as he’s back on his back, breathing heavily the bed covers an entire mess of fluids and I try not to think of the washing as I look at him, now myself scared, as he closes his eyes, arms stretched out to the head of the bed. I watch him try to regain his breath, as I sit up and sit besides him, both of us red,

I think he’ll leave.



This is for the really old Milex sex request I had. I ended up really enjoying it and it started off as a short story and I dunno, I think I'll keep it as such but as I keep writing and included Jamie and Brian, I'm like shit, I don't think I'll be able to make it a short story, damn xD but I dunno, I really really enjoyed writing it and to be honest I started off slowly not even sure where I was going. I just felt like writing that request today even if I've been obsessed with these two recent ideas of mine, one which I believe will be fiction (I know it's been ages xD) and the other will involve my beloved doomed OTP which make a cameo here, Jamie and Brian, because I ship them as fuck xD 

Anyway, I kept thinking that I'd want some daft straight Al, as I've been pretty "ugh" by the whole Chung incident, so I was thinking maybe some post shag with Miles and then I kept thinking and I ended up writing the whole small party in the apartment and originally Alex and Miles were supposed to have sex toys involved but I kept thinking and realized most likely it would be in the second shag or so, since Alex pretty much never slept with a guy before :)

A lot of this story was inspired because Callie told me of a story where some guys went to Italy and basically they thought the guys who offered them drinks were just being "friendly" and I was like, dudes offering you drinks regardless of gender want to fuck you. And the story pretty much ended up with finding one of the guys who was kidnapped, naked two or so days later. So the daftness and belief that every guy around you is straight pretty much inspired me. I think I'm so fucking queer that I forget that people think that everyone is straight. 

I quite enjoyed describing Miles' apartment to be honest and the whole settings, along with Jamie and Brian's apartment. Yeah, they remained in Placebo and Scarfo, in the very beginning of their musical careers really xD I was thinking which job to give Miles and I was thinking freelancer, then decided ah, let's make him a journalist xD 

I tried not to include Jamie, I failed and while I was writing this, I'm not making this Jamie/Miles, fuck off, yeah, don't even think about Jamie kicking that fridge (I had the image xD) 

I was also amused writing the wonderful mutterings of "straight" Alex. 


Regarding the sex scenes, they're actually really technical as I actually end up thinking how to make them more realistic and I guess in this case, I needed Alex as aroused as possible and I also had to make sure it would be realistic for a first time and avoid questions and what not xD so in reality I always really think how to write them and it's hard because I have to keep them descriptive, so I think of it more technically, like how to make them hot, whilst trying to keep myself calm and maybe near the orgasm, I try to think more of the moment so that it gets more heated. So yeah, that's how sex scenes are usually written xD sometimes I ask Callie stuff, like today I was like for a first time easiest position and stuff xD 

But yeah, I just felt like doing the sex scene request really, because well, I just wanted one more gay sex scene in milex fanfiction written by someone gay really. 

Also I guess I am weird but I have a head canon that straight men don't get checked as much xD dunno why, so I included it here really xD 

Also I think this is one of the few gay sex scenes which I've written which wasn't bareback so that was a first xD So honestly, practice safe sex :) and Sweden does amazing condoms xD the other day I saw an ad that ICA was selling 60 condoms for 100 kronen which is 10 pounds xD so I'm sad now XD 

The idea for the story was inspired with No. 1 Party Anthem in my head, so that's the title:)

I hope it was hot and that you enjoyed it and please tell me if you did and if you want me to continue or just leave it as it is :D and yeah, I'm proud of myself for writing 3.7 story which 1.2 k is the sex scene :D yay!!! :D



No. 1 Party Anthem 2