Threesome11

I kept thinking about Kate but I couldn’t bring myself to call and it’s nagging and I’ve been terrified to do so. It’s as if I am in exam season again and I couldn’t force myself to pick up the books, thinking that all is lost and I start seeing gay couples all over, especially women holding their hands and I even walked into a gay bar, having a woman hit on me but I said I am waiting for a friend, looking at the empty dancefloor, wondering far too much. It feels odd. I remember I had a crush on a girl in school and she was awfully girly. But back then it was different, there was nothing about sexuality, it was about mere attraction and it was among the exams.

It was the first time I had touched myself to a woman and it was like a fire unleashed, my whole body was whining with guilt and when I came it was like the first time, like I haven’t ever breathed air and now I was getting a gulp and it was hot.

Just like Kate is.

I always liked Kate even when she was a model, I admired her, I liked the looks she could pull off and I couldn’t. She was always there, there truly is one majestic Kate in London. Like that tacky ad with her naked. I wanted her, I even wanted to draw her, how being close to her self I’d be, drugs reflected on her breasts, I want her smoked lips and find holes for any lost injections, I want to hold her down on a seizure.

I was starting to fall in love with a sensation.

And that’s when you realize how gay you are. 

I could see her becoming the queen, she should’ve been queen, gracious and with fucking morals. But I’m not supposed to say anything, so I won’t and the thought is not a sin told by those who hate homosexuals. 

She is in my mind, not even just like sex, but like a person, I want her style, I want to be hand in hand when she wears diamonds and a plain black shirt from GAP just because it goes to charity even if she’ll give a hundred that day. 

Kate did fashion, I just did music which I cannot now compose with her husband. I avoid Jamie because I want to, I’ve never felt so disgusted by being touched by a man, now men avoid me. I’m not shaving my head, even if I want to, I still have to think of an image, an image which Kate has and I don’t. I don’t even look back at Jamie when he leaves the kitchen, wondering where the fuck has our fire gone and why had it shifted to his wife instead. 

It was as if I could’ve been her wife. 

And she stands there, thinking of her words, pushing her blonde hair back, getting a pack of cigarettes from a kitchen drawer and lighting one, passing the box towards me and then she leans to the side, to see if Jamie surely left and that’s when she quickly glances at her nude dyed nails and motions for me to get closer to her. I feel myself get excited and I recall her entirely especially her moans and I don’t hold and I lean in, as she just leans back.

“Jamie’s s’posed to leave later in about an hour. He’s just meeting someone. Come back then.” And then she picks up the press again. 

“Jamie, Alison’s leaving!” They both kiss me on the cheek as I am escorted out and my veins start counting an hour down. 

-

And I'm back. I dunno I just started looking through all of The Kills stories which I had put on hold and I just really miss them, I miss the format and I really love the stories. Also I had pretty much rerooted back to how the story was originally planned to end, because before I was thinking to shift and yeah:3 I hope I talk in clues coz sometimes I get scared what if everything is too obvious xD 

It's actually funny because before I used to have a separate file for each chapter of a story and the beginning of this chapter should've been the previous but I decided to chuck it in as past tense because it's a needed chunk:) and I've written ahead, the next chapter is nearly done, so please please tell me if you also missed the story like I did :3

<3