Wednesday, 25 April 2018

Bar Eyes 11


How do you fall in love with someone who -

I glance at him, while we're walking.

Who I have supposedly loved before?

It's not like he watched me in my sleep or anything, in the brief moments where I would just lay with my eyes closed, instead he would sit in the living room, smoking a cigarette under the chandelier and I wondered how old was he here. How long had he gotten all of this? I wondered if he had drained the blood of everyone involved.

I wondered how deep did his love run to fall in love again? I couldn't help but wonder how much did his body ache from not touching mine, to see me oblivious of his love every day. I remember him taking a bath longer than usual and the thought of him touching himself came to mind to me. I stood there outside the door, wondering which version of me was it. What did he dream of?

I wondered if we were still taken by a red thread, which was around our throats, choking us if we would far away from each other.

I still touched myself to Alex, even if I knew that somehow Jamie would be some other love of my life. I couldn't help but wonder what would happen.

Time goes and love gets distilled with water. Memories come and go. I wait for him outside and he gets out, all dressed already, instead of a wrapped in towel. We behave carefully around each other. Alex was taller. I don't take any steps back, feeling myself in some daydream where he could place me anywhere and trail his fingers in my hair, letting it slide through the tips. I don't move and neither does he. I look at his eyes, but I'm the only lost one.

I grab the hem of my plain shirt and Jamie watches my fingers tug on it, fiddle.

Maybe it's all a fight of love.

He keeps scanning my eyes, trying to understand all the kaleidoscope of my emotions. He carefully takes out his fingers and traces the bite marks from his bite on my neck, as I close my eyes. Jamie slowly removes his hand from it and that's when I see his own fear. His fear of touching me again. I have no idea, I know nothing besides his love, no matter how long he will tell me about the love we shared, it's not ours, it's a dream he had. But I live with that shadow of a dream in my heart. I am somewhat of a prize to be won. I am the crucified Jesus. It's not even that I've fallen in love with Judas, I've lost all roles, throwing the bible away.

Jamie would talk to me sometimes, he would tell me of our love. He would let me finish the sentences, but we never touched each other, we would sit on the couch and he would keep telling me, as I would finish, knowing of how I had once been.

Our knees wouldn't brush and we would share a cigarette box, never tremble between cigarettes.

“Why are you scared?” I say, my breath stopping.

I don't even know our age difference. So many days, months, years have passed. I haven't grown. Jamie stopped ageing and I could see him-

I look up to see a ladder on the ceiling and I see the ceiling dissolve and I see Alex with his top hat, taking it off, upside down and looking at me.

How long has it been?

Jamie never asks.

Jamie knows.

He looks at the ceiling himself, watching all of the room turn into a whirlwind, slowly disintegrate. Alex's steps get closer and lower, so that he can go down to us. His legs don't tremble and his hair is as long as it always has been. Jamie doesn't take his eyes off me. He takes my chin, lifting it up, as Alex descends further.

“I don't care how long it takes for you to love me.”

“I know.” I breathe out, watching Alex and Jamie, moving my head all the time. I can feel the thread strangle me. I tilt my head, watching the man who loves me the most in the world. Because when love is one sided, it overflows with blood. “You bit me.

You took me from someone else. Because I had done the same. I had taken you away from your life. I gave it meaning.”

I grab his face in my hands and stroke his cheeks as now he finally looks at Alex, who is standing behind me, but without a bat.

I drop my hands, stretch them out to the sides, as Alex puts his underneath my own.

I see me kissing Jamie, I see me watching Alex with my eyes open during the kiss. I can feel my hair grow, I can feel all the years catch upon me. Alex takes his top hat and puts it on my head.

I lean my head back, exposing my neck to Alex, the side without any bites.

Split the baby in two.

Alex bites me.

I scream. Jamie holds me down, I can feel myself, I can see myself asking for blood donations down the road.

I've wanted to fall in love with Jamie.

And I always will. I will go with a bat to Jamie's store and swing it at his ribs. I will try on every dress with the top hat, smoke cigarettes and watch him, oblivious, as Alex watches, how love unravels as far as time goes.

-

I've been slowly releasing stories which I've finished from my vault, if you must. It wasn't an easy transition from fanfiction to fiction again, even though I've done it now. Sometimes I still write a snippet of something, but due to the limited time I have I mostly focus on fiction.

Bar Eyes and Used Lighter was one of those stories which really shape a place for me and it uses heavily different parts of Edinburgh and I remember I even had a photo of where Alison "met" Jamie for the first time in my old phone. It feels like ancient history with me moving so much and so many things had changed.

Even if there are things I'm confused about, I'm quite solid on my gender and have been for a good few years. So I go back and forth on writing stories with female love interests due to my complicated love life. But I speak about it on length on my new blog.

About Bar Eyes... It was supposed to always come full cycle, I believe. It had many ways to end and this was the most fitting. I wrote this a really long while ago and frankly the previous chapter had been posted like 3 years ago. I just don't want a story like Bar Eyes to have no ending.

I've also got a few more stories up my sleeve, so if you feel like you want to know, most likely I've written it, so feel free to ask or I'll at least tell you what happens or maybe even give it justice enough for an ending. Who knows.

I think the story makes itself clear and I've spoken at length on the inspirations and I've always wanted to actually do a photoshoot of all the places where Used Lighter/Bar Eyes took place, but alas, I won't be going there anytime soon so maybe in many many years time I will go and take some photos, if the places haven't changed that much, which I've heard they have. Maybe keep them to myself, who knows.

It's good to have it finished and I truly loved both Used Lighter and Bar Eyes.

Thank you

<3

Jamie

Saturday, 7 April 2018

Stale Smoke In A Running Circle v.02

Quite a while back, I had a popular story called Stale Smoke In A Running Circle which focused on the story of a questioning their gender Alison, it was a Kills fanfic, which gained life of it's own and now many years later, I've decided to change the setting and write the unwritten at the time.

It's now fiction, set in Portugal and absolutely bizarre.

It called out to me and I gave it a second life.

Enjoy.

graspthesanity.wordpress.com/2018/04/07/stale-smoke/

Sunday, 25 March 2018

The Blunderbuss Angel Said The Union Is Forever 13


They say there is a sadness which doesn't allow one to create and one which does. But what about the happiness which consumes one and somehow love crawls under the skin?


Or is there just some passion gone terribly wrong?


I would never knock on his door, expecting everything to go wrong, instead I drive myself crazy with all the thoughts and making up all the odd stories in my head to kill time. I imagine all the scenarios in which he would love me just as desperately as I would or some reality where he would just push me over and I wouldn't be talking to myself on the couch while staring at the ceiling, making sure that Kate is asleep, the thrill of the honeymoon long gone which I will never recall and all reality blurred to such an extinct that I don't even know if I am drinking any more.


I do nothing.

I've told myself the real story all the time, making sure that I've remembered and forgotten every detail of his skin and how it had felt to kiss his love against his lips. The problem is that there is no ending, no spoilers and nothing to hint anything otherwise. There is just a crashed by my own mood and feelings bachelor party. There are feelings which have gone sour for anyone else. I can only think of my own ending to brace myself to sleep. And maybe that is solace.


Maybe I'll forget your face someday, but for now it's pure agony and I've made my decision with another woman. Be the story teller before I sleep, lure me into those dreams where neither of us are cowards and where we both lose ourselves, I don't really believe that somehow we are not whole but we would surely become something.


To describe something wild, nothing comes to mind to fit it and how to describe it.


When does love collapse?

Why does it end in a whimper?

Why does the receiver of the last letter never respond?

Where do the kisses of love go?

And when will I ever stop telling myself all these stories where we had once loved each other?


The last story is always the truth,

That you were my muse.

That you carried me through life, only

To immerse me in water one last time

So that when I open my eyes

I would see the stars

And you hidden in the dark.

There will never be a truth as vivid

As the one I've told.


Take those steps back, with me in your arms.

Take a future where we fear no man.

I will always mourn.



-


I've decided to finish off my favourite stories or reveal the final chapters, so that there is nothing left of fanfiction which I didn't neglect. There are a few stories which are on hiatus, which maybe will be turned to fiction later, but for now, I'm showing these loved stories their deserved ending.


Blunderbuss started many many years ago and whenever I had a short idea, it would be tied into this bizarre AU. By the end I had a connection with a guy, which ended up being doomed, so I decided the last chapters to our brief relationship. It seemed like a fitting story to pour my feelings into.


The story ended way before the relationship had, if I recall correctly. It holds how I thought things would end. It's sad to end a story which spanned many years, but here it is.


Thank you for the support and it had been a request originally, back when I had done those. I just want to say thank you.


<3


Jamie

Monday, 19 March 2018

Relationship Values 11/Epilogue


Life is short. We don't realize it because we're constantly fighting and that's how we get distracted by the lightning fast pace of it.

I realize that when I meet Lana again, while me and Jamie decided to eat out, after fishing out all the stupid documents I had ended up scattering all over the house. I never cared much about my birth certificate and once we found it, I stared at it for a long while, as if it was somehow a reminder of my mother. Was that the last gift? My name? It made me think for a while, as Jamie watched me.

Maybe we should all ask for forgiveness? Maybe there's a point in saying sorry.

She's in a red dress, as I catch her hand before the bathroom. Sister or not, we were together for a while. Lana stares at my own hand, slowly removing it, confused at the sudden touch. Jamie headed out for a smoke. We're leaving the place.

I wanted the house.

“Have the house.” I say. She tilts her head and even narrows her eyes at me, expecting some backstabbing since I happen to be more than excellent at that. She looks around, probably wondering where's Jamie and if he's wired with something to take to court. Lawyers are lawyers after all.

“What?” She asks baffled. I can see that we've both gotten older and I always forget to take care of myself, while Lana on the opposite with her status as a trophy wife does everything to look great.

“I don't want it.” I say. Maybe she's wired and she steps closer to me, as if to make sure that I'm saying the things she is hearing.

“But you live there.”

“Ah.” Of course. From who she could've heard? No one. I'm sure Jack as displeased as he was, didn't call my sister to tell her that his boyfriend left him to try with his ex-spouse again. “Jamie's got a place.”

It's an apartment in the city. Where are you going to paint?” How does she even know? But then maybe word spread, it's not like we have a different circle of friends.

“I don't need that much space to paint.”

“You always claimed that you did.”

“I was an asshole.” I shrug, recalling how I would make a commotion for mom and Lana to leave the garage alone because my huge room wasn't enough for me at all, because I was just being greedy. Lana just smirks slightly, crossing her arms and I look down at her huge heels. She feels so stereotypical, but she always wanted this. All she's missing is the children which will come along the way in the next few years.

“I'm sorry.”

“For being an asshole?” She reaches into her purse and pulls out a box of cigarettes, also to indicate that she is done with this conversation and would join anyone else outside, which isn't Jamie, since she still has all reasons to hate him. You'll always hate the person who you were left for.

“Yeah.” I pause. “I mean, not that.”

“Go on.” I catch Lana's attention. A woman walks past us, still fixing her hair after the mirror. Lana sighs and looks at her manicured nails. I never liked having long claws, but as years went on hers got longer and longer and I would tell her how impractical they were, but she wouldn't listen.

“I'm sorry for... Jamie. I'm sorry for leaving you.” I leave it vague, because people are listening, women are listening as they fix their make-up. Lana looks away, biting her lips, rubbing her arm with her hand.

“It took you more than seventeen years to say that.” She says and I can see that she's holding from making her voice break. Lana looks back at me and I see her eyes shimmer. I've left her alone. We didn't really have many friends. We were always there for each other. I always imagined our forgiveness differently, I'd think we would get back together, I'd even think that we would hook up for time's sake. But -

Maybe there's some love which doesn't last. We've been so distant. And I've discarded her.

Now I cross my arms before I wrap my arms around her, as she begins to cry. We've grown. We've grown apart. Maybe it's best that we're on track. I move her from side to side, as if we're small again. Lana gives out a small laugh and eventually pulls away from me.

She wasn't even angry at mom for long.

She leans in, but then leans back, smiling.

It's all gone.

I smile back.


-

That's pretty  much it. I'll try to give justice to the few stories that I actually finished. I enjoyed the whole love triangle between Lana/Alison/Jamie I had created quite a while back. Maybe I'll use it in some sort of way in fiction, who knows. I love revisiting old stories and looking them through.

I know this last chapter is very long overdue, but I hope it is still loved.

I thought it would be longer, I knew that it would go differently, that Jamie/Alison would be endgame and whatnot.

I'll really miss writing fanfiction full time and I do. But I've been working a lot on new stuff, even if I'm on a brief hiatus currently, because when am I not?

RV made me think a lot and it'll forever have a small place in my heart.

Thank you for all the support over the years,

Jamie

Wordpress with fiction stories

Friday, 16 February 2018

Two Elizabeths

A relationship of mine was long forgotten until I started a relation with a trans woman, making me look back, see a bunch of parallels. Lots of regret and bitterness which made this story exist. I haven't bared my bones like this in a while and stories about women are ones I don't write.

Part 1 

Part 2

Sunday, 11 February 2018

Relationship Values 10

I was desperately in love with us and when Jamie became a lawyer, because he didn't want to pursue the artist and photographer life, that was when the first thoughts of doubt struck me down. I didn't have such a backup, I never thought of other things I could do and it would send me into a frenzy as if I was some whiny teenager which would get told to work instead of enjoying idle teenage life. My teenage life was a turmoil, so I compensated by dragging that attitude with me. I ended up having to grow up faster, because I didn't want to be treated as something other than an adult and getting Jamie as a boyfriend seemed like an act of rebellion which I thought an adult would do. After all, people turn heads when your boyfriend is ten years older and you're barely legal. He was a friend of a friend who was doing a photo show in the city. The photos were absolutely bizarre, with everything ranging from milk cartoons to sexual partners grinning after fucking.

Jamie was far from my first, but I remember that the night which we first spent was one of the best fucks of my life and it somehow stuck to me, I became attached even if I didn't admit it to him for a while and tried to play it cool as much as I could, because I still thought I was a girl, I didn't give too much thought to the discomfort I felt.

What about your sister?” He asks me. I was in love with Lana when we met. I broke Lana.

I tremble. I rub the hickey with my fingers. I look into his deep green eyes. He has nothing to fear, I cheated on Lana with him. He was never aware that I had an incestuous romance with my sister. That I tormented my past with all this thinking and now the Pandora box was back to being open, because she was here and mom was maybe finally gone. Was I happy? I was neutral because she was never there for us and now we weren't even there for each other.

I don't cry, but my shoulders shake and Jamie puts his hands on them. Maybe Jamie always was the love of my life.

Nothing-” I look away and he takes me by the chin, so that I would at least glance back at him.

What is it? You might as well just put it to rest. I'm sure your mother's death is bringing feelings back. Maybe it's best to bury all family drama.” He offers, maybe he would've insisted if I wasn't crying, but instead he just leaves it hanging in the air. “If your mother was someone else, I'd say that it's best for her, but it's really all about you now... and Lana.”

Lana never liked him for obvious reasons, Jamie tried to get along with her the first few years before realizing that he can't actually get along with everyone he meets, even if it's often that he does. It seemed like a puzzle he tried to solve by calling her over when I wouldn't be available and make sibling in law time, but it never worked.

I would bite my nails. I search a bit for a packet of cigarettes, but I shouldn't be smoking inside much. But instead Jamie motions for me to at least try to talk. I'm sure that I am pale as a damn ghost. I sigh and fix my hair slowly, playing with it, pushing the strands aside. I look at him, it never occurred to him for sure.

I was seeing someone when we met.” Jamie looks at me confused.

What does this have to do with your sister? Did you steal her boyfriend?” His facial expression just gets more lost, as he seems to be tossing different possibilities in his mind. I'm far too calm for my own good. I take a cigarette box from his pants. Jamie reminds me of the nearly lost lighter.

I start laughing as if I'm drunk.

I was seeing Lana. I was fucking Lana.”

Jamie stares at me even more confused. He opens his mouth to ask something, but instead he notices that I'm not joking as I light the cigarette.

That's why she hated you. I dumped her after I met you.” I sniff. “I dumped her. I hope that explains things. We've always had an odd relationship since mother was an asshole to us and we had to rely on each other. You don't want to speak of abuse to other people, when there's someone going through the same thing you are. It just... makes sense.”

Jamie looks at me wide eyed, not sure of what to say, just allowing his older thoughts to be trumped by new ones. I'm sure there's enough things going around in his mind.

Is that why you left me?”

No.” I pause, emphasize. “No. Lana had nothing to do with it, she never forgave me for leaving her. I left her as a sister too. I wanted nothing with the household. I just wanted the nice house. I became nostalgic for a while when I asked you to leave, but I never contacted her. You know... what happened.”

And you want me to be a lawyer against your former lover and your sister?”

Yeah.”

And I want you to love me again. We kissed, can we go back to a simpler time where kisses meant everything instead of now when sex can be a replacement for one night not to feel lonely again? Even then the awkward stuttering at the end just makes the loneliness come back full force. I didn't even sleep with anyone after I broke up with Jamie. I just wanted to be alone and find myself but like Jamie said, I sank and could barely create. I couldn't find inspiration to do any art and motivation to even go outside. I'm guessing he knows by asking mutual friends or maybe they told him concerned, but imagining your ex-husband asking if far more flattering.

I hate remembering dreams that happened last night, because they always show a mirror's reflection of my fears, scarier because they're behind me and I can see them intertwine. In most of them Jamie's never there.

Jamie still looks at me confused and digesting the fucking confession I just slapped across his face. He doesn't make any degrading comments, because he's grown even more quiet and polite ever since he became a lawyer. Before we would both be very fired up, but then with age you realize how much of an asshole you were. I can't help but wish that so many things would come back. I don't care if I'm back to being in my late teens or my twenties, I just want out of thirties and I want to see him again daily.

I just look at him. Such things don't happen overnight.

“That... never stopped me from loving you. I just thought... that maybe I shouldn't keep the one lie I always kept.”

“You could've told me that earlier.” I watch him, trying to understand if he's hurt. “I knew how badly your mother treated you both and it's screwed... that you had to turn to each other like that.”

“We wanted to.” I say a bit defensive, because we still were together and we were in some twisted love even if it was a result of abuse. “You can't just put all the blame on mom, by the end of the day it was our decision to fucking... go ahead with this. We were the ones who put our mouth to it, literally.”

Jamie flinches a bit, I'm guessing it is hearing about two relatives who were fucking to him after all. Not that we are still a family, but he knew us both as siblings. I look down and the hair covers my eyes.

“I just met you and felt something new. Something I hadn't felt with Lana. After all, a sibling's love is always different. You'd do anything for them but it's nothing that will consume you in flames. I liked that and even if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to stay away from you at any time.”

Jamie struggles visibly and I'm guessing that it's whether to touch me or not, he eventually puts his hand on my shoulder first, but then we've kissed already, so he puts his hand on my cheek and I feel my whole body go breathless from his rough touch. His hands were always the same texture no matter how much I would nag for him to moisturise them and when he did, it wouldn't work much. I look into his eyes.

Jamie switches the subject and looks away, behind me, just to find anything, but his hand is still on my cheek.

“Did she ever forgive you?” He asks, probably knowing the answer anyway, but it's more of a confirmation or a way to start the subject forwards.

“No. That's why we're disputing the house.” I sigh. I knew that if it wasn't for the whole commotion, Lana would've stepped back easily, but maybe she wants to keep the memories she thought I tossed away. I don't know how would I make it up to her. How would I? I'm too scared to touch his hand back or move. If I'm getting a cramp in my neck from leaning against his hand, but I don't dare to even flinch in case he snaps back to reality and takes his hand away.

“I see.” He strokes my cheek gently and then we both end up in a silence, which we would sometimes, just watching each other lovingly through out the course of our long relationship. I get the urge to cry again.

“I... I love you.” I say and my voice breaks. Jamie doesn't stop stroking my cheek, but he's more than hurt.

“Alison, you just left me.” He takes his hand off my cheek and I grab it with my own hands. Jamie tenses up, but lets it be held by me as I stroke it now with my thumbs. “You never told me about Lana, yeah, it's not like you cheated, but I never had any idea. You couldn't trust me to the last bone in your body and...”

I look at his slightly opened lips.

“What if you never loved me?” I watch his mouth move slowly, I could trace it with my fingers before.

“I loved you.” I say it quietly, my hands grasping into his. “I never cheated. I never... I only thought of Lana only after the divorce because I was lost.”

“Why did you divorce me?”

“Why?” I echo his question back and it's my turn to stare past him. I shake my head. “No reason will be enough to explain the sudden solitude I felt...”

I rub my eyes with the back of my hand, leaving the other to still touch him, since he would be going away forever soon.

“I just...” I pause. “I got scared of change. You didn't want to live the artistic life.”

“I didn't want to live in your mother's bedroom. I wanted something bigger for us. Alison, I did it for us. Photography wasn't my forte at the end of the day.” I sniff, recalling his shows and photos which would still make us survive. I had him by my side all the days. “We can't live like we're in our twenties and thirties again.”

I just shrug and look away. Maybe it was best that we parted ways. He turns to face me. I look down and then he leans closer and kisses me briefly. I hold the kiss as long as I can before he breaks it.

“You should never doubt that I loved you.” He says.

“Loved.”

Jamie smirks at my response and looks at me in the eye. “I never left.” He pauses. “I wasn't the one to file for divorce.”

“You're gonna hold it against me.” I nearly whine, as he smiles watching me.

“Forever.” He widens his eyes with a grin. My heart goes up to my throat. My own eyes widen. I can't dare to ask. Jamie notices my pale face. His own breathing gets harsher. I can barely keep up with my own thinking, as it all seems to shatter into nothing. All those thoughts and regrets, all gone with a sudden glimmer of realization, but he says it anyway. “It's not like love goes away when you've loved someone for over seventeen years.”

“Lots of people have midlife crises and go for a younger person.” I say nearly mechanically, probably destroying the moment for no good reason. Jamie smirks at that. “Where does their love go?”



“I still love you.” He interrupts me and kisses my forehead, pondering for a while before leaning down to kiss me on the lips.

-

I actually did finish some of the stories and a year later since my last fanfiction post, I've switched to fiction fully now, but I have some which I want to see the light of day and maybe one day will be rewritten into proper novels. I don't know their fate and I just wanted to blow the dust off and give them some life. 

RV was one of my favourite stories which I miss and was happy and I am terribly glad that I had ended it. I don't think I would've been happy having left it at an eternal hiatus. 

There's one more chapter to go, so I'll be posting the few chapters of stories I have finished to make peace with them and I hope they will be enjoyed. In the current fashion of me being cryptic, here is RV's second to last chapter and I hope you've enjoyed my fanfiction over the years as much as I have.

If there is a story you'd like to see finished, most likely I have it or might just give it another shot and write an ending to it. Please feel free to ask. 

Thank you for all the love and support,

I am over here now @ wordpress.   

Jamie

P.S. I shall forever love The Kills regardless.