How do you fall in love with someone who -
I glance at him, while we're walking.
Who I have supposedly loved before?
It's not like he watched me in my sleep or anything, in the brief moments where I would just lay with my eyes closed, instead he would sit in the living room, smoking a cigarette under the chandelier and I wondered how old was he here. How long had he gotten all of this? I wondered if he had drained the blood of everyone involved.
I wondered how deep did his love run to fall in love again? I couldn't help but wonder how much did his body ache from not touching mine, to see me oblivious of his love every day. I remember him taking a bath longer than usual and the thought of him touching himself came to mind to me. I stood there outside the door, wondering which version of me was it. What did he dream of?
I wondered if we were still taken by a red thread, which was around our throats, choking us if we would far away from each other.
I still touched myself to Alex, even if I knew that somehow Jamie would be some other love of my life. I couldn't help but wonder what would happen.
Time goes and love gets distilled with water. Memories come and go. I wait for him outside and he gets out, all dressed already, instead of a wrapped in towel. We behave carefully around each other. Alex was taller. I don't take any steps back, feeling myself in some daydream where he could place me anywhere and trail his fingers in my hair, letting it slide through the tips. I don't move and neither does he. I look at his eyes, but I'm the only lost one.
I grab the hem of my plain shirt and Jamie watches my fingers tug on it, fiddle.
Maybe it's all a fight of love.
He keeps scanning my eyes, trying to understand all the kaleidoscope of my emotions. He carefully takes out his fingers and traces the bite marks from his bite on my neck, as I close my eyes. Jamie slowly removes his hand from it and that's when I see his own fear. His fear of touching me again. I have no idea, I know nothing besides his love, no matter how long he will tell me about the love we shared, it's not ours, it's a dream he had. But I live with that shadow of a dream in my heart. I am somewhat of a prize to be won. I am the crucified Jesus. It's not even that I've fallen in love with Judas, I've lost all roles, throwing the bible away.
Jamie would talk to me sometimes, he would tell me of our love. He would let me finish the sentences, but we never touched each other, we would sit on the couch and he would keep telling me, as I would finish, knowing of how I had once been.
Our knees wouldn't brush and we would share a cigarette box, never tremble between cigarettes.
“Why are you scared?” I say, my breath stopping.
I don't even know our age difference. So many days, months, years have passed. I haven't grown. Jamie stopped ageing and I could see him-
I look up to see a ladder on the ceiling and I see the ceiling dissolve and I see Alex with his top hat, taking it off, upside down and looking at me.
How long has it been?
Jamie never asks.
He looks at the ceiling himself, watching all of the room turn into a whirlwind, slowly disintegrate. Alex's steps get closer and lower, so that he can go down to us. His legs don't tremble and his hair is as long as it always has been. Jamie doesn't take his eyes off me. He takes my chin, lifting it up, as Alex descends further.
“I don't care how long it takes for you to love me.”
“I know.” I breathe out, watching Alex and Jamie, moving my head all the time. I can feel the thread strangle me. I tilt my head, watching the man who loves me the most in the world. Because when love is one sided, it overflows with blood. “You bit me.
You took me from someone else. Because I had done the same. I had taken you away from your life. I gave it meaning.”
I grab his face in my hands and stroke his cheeks as now he finally looks at Alex, who is standing behind me, but without a bat.
I drop my hands, stretch them out to the sides, as Alex puts his underneath my own.
I see me kissing Jamie, I see me watching Alex with my eyes open during the kiss. I can feel my hair grow, I can feel all the years catch upon me. Alex takes his top hat and puts it on my head.
I lean my head back, exposing my neck to Alex, the side without any bites.
Split the baby in two.
Alex bites me.
I scream. Jamie holds me down, I can feel myself, I can see myself asking for blood donations down the road.
I've wanted to fall in love with Jamie.
And I always will. I will go with a bat to Jamie's store and swing it at his ribs. I will try on every dress with the top hat, smoke cigarettes and watch him, oblivious, as Alex watches, how love unravels as far as time goes.
I've been slowly releasing stories which I've finished from my vault, if you must. It wasn't an easy transition from fanfiction to fiction again, even though I've done it now. Sometimes I still write a snippet of something, but due to the limited time I have I mostly focus on fiction.
Bar Eyes and Used Lighter was one of those stories which really shape a place for me and it uses heavily different parts of Edinburgh and I remember I even had a photo of where Alison "met" Jamie for the first time in my old phone. It feels like ancient history with me moving so much and so many things had changed.
Even if there are things I'm confused about, I'm quite solid on my gender and have been for a good few years. So I go back and forth on writing stories with female love interests due to my complicated love life. But I speak about it on length on my new blog.
About Bar Eyes... It was supposed to always come full cycle, I believe. It had many ways to end and this was the most fitting. I wrote this a really long while ago and frankly the previous chapter had been posted like 3 years ago. I just don't want a story like Bar Eyes to have no ending.
I've also got a few more stories up my sleeve, so if you feel like you want to know, most likely I've written it, so feel free to ask or I'll at least tell you what happens or maybe even give it justice enough for an ending. Who knows.
I think the story makes itself clear and I've spoken at length on the inspirations and I've always wanted to actually do a photoshoot of all the places where Used Lighter/Bar Eyes took place, but alas, I won't be going there anytime soon so maybe in many many years time I will go and take some photos, if the places haven't changed that much, which I've heard they have. Maybe keep them to myself, who knows.
It's good to have it finished and I truly loved both Used Lighter and Bar Eyes.