Friday, 29 July 2016

To Miles 56

Matt jokes with me and I even eat slower, just watching him interract. I didn't even realize until Matt pointed out to me that my mother had made milkshakes specifically for me, that there even was one in front of me and I had been drinking it. The fellow pilot just laughed, patting my back, never tearing his eyes of me. I wanted to ask him when did he start loving me. When was it that he fell in love in love with me. When. When had it been so? I don't have the guts to ask him and it's as if all the memories have gone away from me, allowing me to be stuck with my love alone.

I can't help but think of kissing him harshly, forgiving him for absolutely everything if he touches me back. I can't help it. I keep looking at him and I wonder what is even occurring to everyone else, because I am clearly just observing it. Then as children we finish our desserts as early as possible and we head upstairs to talk and no one bats an eyelash, because his parents have always been friends with mine and now our mom's will gossip when will we bring some wives home and how noble we are. Matt's dad will most likely discuss the poker match with my own and that's how all will be left.

So we nearly run upstairs and once I lock the door I see him sitting on my bed. I don't know what else to do besides kiss him. Pray that somehow God had allowed me to be on the same shore leave as he did. Maybe war makes us religious, because it's to disappointing to think that there is nothing beyond death besides the tears of the beloved on the ground as we get buried. He keeps smiling at me and I can't help but just stare at the pilot. Maybe there's too much regret in both of our eyes, maybe there's absolutely everything in our eyes. Why is everything so damn predictable with us?

Will you discard me again?

I sit besides him and we do kiss. I can smell soap on him and I can feel his clean shave under my fingers as I pull him closer, as we just hold the kiss, somehow scared of passion and neither of us wants to speak. We pull back and it's still as if only our lips exist.

I couldn't tell him how lonely I had been.

I couldn't tell him anything at all and I feel like I've been on shore all this time, waiting for him, not knowing what else would go on and somehow I managed to cheat and I could feel the same on his lips, but somehow secrets just weep silently rather than confessing who they are.

I know that we can't really just have sex in my old bedroom with the toy planes and books now neatly stored on the shelves rather that discarded in random places. After kissing we both just lay down on my bed, looking at the ceiling and his hand makes its way to mine as Matt puts both hands on his chest. I glance at him but he still looks too scared to look at me.

I can't ask him why, if he had kissed me, did he stop writing the letters? What was it that had stopped him? Did he know, did he oh know that I had been unfaithful? Did he know that I knew?

Surely he had someone else to mess around with and to be in love with. After all I was just the brief experiment or maybe he had gone back to the girl in the bar, maybe he even got her pregnant? Maybe that's why he's so silent?

I can hear laughter from downstairs and that causes me to jerk and even sit up, feeling completely foreign to noise and that's when Matt looks at me with lost eyes. I'm just as lost in some love as he is. I don't even know where to start speaking. I don't even know what to even talk about. I feel anxious all of a sudden, feeling myself shake under all the cool and develop another craving for his lips.

I feel as if I am the God of small talk, as I just hold his hand tighter and decide to speak.

“How have you been, Matt?” I ask him and Matt seems lost himself by the sudden action, but smiles at me, sitting up. I can't ask him who has he loved, whether it was a woman, a mermaid or a fellow man who I might've known.

“I've been okay. You?” He asks me, as I keep looking into his eyes, both of us slowly leaning in, feeling that the brief letters were so not enough. I had stopped writing them as well, as soon as he stopped. I thought of Lana briefly, how she had paired both me and Matt. What would she think now? How would she think carefully of the whole ordeal?

“I've been fine.” Jamie flashes in my mind. I don't even know who I am cheating on. I don't even know-

I start thinking of the captain, desperately missing him, as my heart aches, so I feel so conflicted and juggling two men who I dearly love. Would I feel guilty for sleeping with Matt again? What would I actually feel? What and who would destroy me by the end?

I think of Lana again and what does she think about the whole love web.

I have to many things to say and I'm sure they all gallop through my eyes once Matt looks into them again with his own light ones.

Maybe I'm too greedy to hold onto so many men?

When it comes to religion and war, so many people stop being religious as they face war, because how come God would allow all of this in his right mind? My thoughts shift and I want to speak to Matt of religion, but I feel like maybe Miles would've been the best conversationalist in this subject, but instead I try not to think of him, already feeling too many men on my cock.

I feel intoxicated, I want to rest in his arms and forget about the rest, allow myself to love him and him only for a brief while even if the hug lasts not long. I push him back onto the bed, throwing my arms around him and pulling him closer, as I feel him stroke my hair. I even feel like crying, wondering how will the war unpeel further and what awaits us. I can't help but think of another man as I am in Matt's arms.

I feel so betrayed, as if I am going back to a lost love. I can't even dare myself to ask him where did he go in case he vanishes again and I know how easy I am to discard. I just feel him stroke my hair and I start thinking about how much I need a haircut, because my fringe has gotten long and I think of Jamie messing with it and how after too much sweat it just dissolves into a mess he would mock me for.

I feel eager for confessing and feeling love all over again, as if all will somehow erase missing Jamie for the time being and it's as if I could forget I would, because the pain is sometimes too much to bear, especially on his shore leave. I feel so ironic and such a whore, laying in one man's arms to think of another and I'm even scared to raise and look at Matt, because nothing reaches my mind besides the fact that I could touch him and that would fill up all our conversation and loosen it up to a ridiculous extent.

Would I say that I'm taken?

And am I really taken?

We didn't really discuss monogamy much, maybe with cigarettes and Jamie would speak of Alison darkly when they were still married, when his hand had been heavier. Eventually he thought of discarding the ring, somewhere to remind himself that he was always in another man's arms as well, but instead he just sold it and bought a cigarette case, but eventually that reminded him of his marriage, so he sold that as well.

I wondered how would his children react knowing that he would live with another man, if we were to live together.

I wondered so many things, like poor Miles who waited all the years for Jamie to divorce and he never did.

I couldn't say something like I don't love you, Matt, because he still intertwined my thoughts and sometimes I would just look at Jamie, who would tell me that I should let things take their course somehow and that it would somehow be it. Sometimes I wish that all my thoughts would be about Jamie, but I know that a lot of his thoughts, when drunk go back wandering to Alison sometimes, how her predictions some came true and some didn't and that was surely one of the things she thought when they both stood in the house, wondering who would leave, as if both had packed, never to see a house which reminded of a marriage which barely existed.

Sometimes he would ask if divorce had been the right thing to do at all. I wouldn't convince him otherwise, I would just sit and listen, sometimes forgetting the fact that I had to speak, just watching him under the dull light with wine shared among each other like in the times which sometimes I reminiscence, back when I was just falling in love with him and unpeeling him entirely, discovering him layer after layer, undressing.

Sometimes I missed it, but the longer time went the more I would just want to become a love letter, a really long one and an explanation perhaps to God himself with what had happened. But the problem is that life is long and you can never just stop it and let it go, you can never end it at all. If I were to write a love letter, I would to apologize to Miles, because no matter how sweet you fall in love, something happens and someone else

and so I lay.

What do you say to a lover of a single time?

Matt just pulls me closer and I feel too nervous to look at him.

“Lana said you were with someone.” My skin goes cold and I'm sure that Matt can feel it, but instead I just decide that it's much better to hide in a hug more than anything.

“What else did she say?” I ask quietly, as if my parents would overhear over the sounds of poker and whatnot. I wondered for a brief while, what would they think of me sinning and sleeping with not just one but plenty of men.

“Well... to be fair, she said you were with the Captain.” Matt says, trying to hold back a smile, which doesn't seem malicious or ill intended at all.

I sit up.

“She said he's a lovely chap.” Matt says as if to reassure me that somehow I had gotten his blessing, Lana's and everyone else's.

“Who else did she tell?” I ask, hoping that word hadn't gotten out far on the carrier which Matt is currently on.

“We've got some friends, so we gossip.” Matt pauses and sits up himself. “Well, there ain't much to talk about, of course. So, everyone just started even making up stories how romantic it was.”

I just stare at him, nearly blankly and wondering what to even reply, a few flashes going through my mind and then Jamie telling me about all his ring exchanges or how he would drink wine silently, as if choosing a topic to immerse in alcoholic behaviour. But when I look at Matt, there is little to no jealousy, just curioisity and he feels like a friend again all of a sudden, listening to me over milkshakes.

“So, Al, how romantic is it to take it up the ass from the captain?” He smirks lightly, but in a friendly way, as we both sit up entirely and I feel weird because I've never really discussed Jamie with anyone besides Miles, who clearly wouldn't want me messing around anywhere close near the Captain. I just blink at him, confused and worried as if every word I say will spill onwards and I will have nothing to deal with besides a discharge and even Jamie leaving me for that.

“Good, I guess.” I say without thinking, pulling my knees to myself. Matt senses my discomfort and thinks a while, before starting to stretch out his hand to pull me closer, but decides against it.

“It's... not like we gossip that much, Al. It's just this friend of mine apparently knows the Captain and they had hooked up before and remained friends.” He shrugged like it was no big deal and I wonder about it. Matt goes on. “There's even a photo of both of them right after they had hooked up which, you see, Nick keeps for an ungodly reason where they're both arms around and grinning, beautiful post-coital grin and all.”

Matt starts laughing, recalling the photo and I just sulk. I wonder about the man, how he holds the picture dear somehow. I get jealous, wondering because I had always thought the closest friend which Jamie had was always Karen who he slept with and kept in touch. I make a jealous mental note to ask him about such, even knowing that it's probably no big deal. I even wonder if I could sneak that into a letter which would be opened by probably the same queer, who makes sure to find out any slang. I could just ask him if he knew a Nick, because Matt had mentioned him and that would somehow calm me down to wait a whole shore leave. I realize that I didn't even start drafting a letter.

“Oh, Al, Jesus, I wouldn't have told you if I know.”

“Fucking tell me everything then.”

Matt rolls his eyes at jealous ol' me.

“That's all that happened, I swear. He just fucked Nick, they both did it once, even though they enjoyed it, but decided to stay friends. Nick was thrilled to know that Jamie was with a better guy now, since we all know that you're great and Lana confirmed that. They hadn't seen each other in a while, either.” Matt shrugged. “Lana said you're both great, well, what she had heard from Alison, well, before you know.”

I don't even know what to think of Matt's gossipy nature all of a sudden, since I happen to be the target of it all. Instead I just listen, as if I were staring at a clock's arrow move.

“So I've heard of him. He's known around, that he's a great Captain and that he's been hell to his crew and between just us friends, that both of you are fucking and are fucking great.” He pauses. “I'm happy for you Al.”

And I wonder if that kiss was somehow something we both wanted to get rid of, one last kiss and I wonder what to say, that somehow we're not just together, that there are plenty of other men I sleep with, but then he knows that. Maybe that's all I know. I rub my eyes. I just don't know what to say.


I've been writing this chapter ever since my previous laptop broke down, but I was rather depressed so I would write a sentence here and there and eventually it took this much to actually get it back up and running.

To get me in the mood for Matt I recalled an old crush of mine who told me that enjoyed the scenes with Matt a lot, so somewhere in the back of my head I associated Matt a bit with them and the whole where do I go from here is with a current person, no, not Callie, I'm more than confident where I'm going there. That's why I felt so lost and recently I've been finding it hard to talk to people even if it's not seen, so maybe I exagerated that fear in this chapter. 

I binged 1.3 k today, just sitting and Callie who nudged me to pick it up again. I miss it heavily and I constantly have a craving of reading it actually, so I just choose a random spot and read, mostly moments before Al and Jamie get together, actually, I'm a sucker for the pre-everything. 

I also stick albums or several songs from AM albums rather to Matt and Jamie. Jamie's Humbug while Matt is Suck It and See, which may be a bit cliche, but they help me write a lot. 

One of my favourite scenes which was written before is Jamie finding out that Alex likes milkshakes. So whenever I mention milkshakes I think of that or maybe just reading it now, made me think of that again.

I am terribly proud of To Miles so I always wonder what do I want to do with it, really. I don't know, I just want to keep going and going. 

Religion is a big background theme of To Miles and I myself kind of slowly became religious, so that sort of transferred onto Alex's thinking into more pondering about God and existence, even if his stance is unclear and I had given him very similiar experiences to me, so that we would be on a similar page, since Alex would be probably the most relatable to me character, because I've written so much that it's hard not to be and at the same time we are nothing alike. It's fun.

The God of small talk, is actually because when I hooked up I was the one doing all the small talk,s o that crossed my mind, that in such a bizarre occurrence I managed to small talk rather well and I was terribly pleased of asocial me. 

Alex is far more polyamorous than I am, but I still give him my fears. 

Jamie selling the cigarette case and the wedding ring, was something I wrote and I knew instantly that Callie would love it and it seemed to me like such a specific scene which would happen, so I just wrote it.

I think ahead a lot, I know what everything holds and that's why I drop hints there and here why would Alex be writing this journal and so on. There's a paragraph here which sort of explains it, I guess. But there'll be more. 

And... we've got Nick Grimshaw (got your hopes up, eh, don't worry plenty of Nicks to go?)! Finally, because it's a character I've been itching as fuck to introduce and entangle in this whole mess xD and I'll keep my mouth shut. 

Ah, yes, gossipy Matt, Callie loved it.

I really really missed this story and I'd dare that I think of it nearly daily, because I love it so and plan something about it.

Thank you


Tuesday, 26 July 2016

airshow whore 2

Arielle feels to me like a girl I would drag to my parents to cover up all the cheating scandals I've had while being with Alexa. Eventually Alexa found out and everything had decided to be unleashed and even if I had been deserving, it was hard to listen to and face my own demons. I didn't even know why exactly I still tried girls and why did I decide that a girl would give me great company in a remote area of the country. But it seems enough, even her mere presence gives me more than enough calm in the background of huge families and married people together, probably dragging someone who doesn't care but it doesn't matter, they have someone who loves them.

It hasn't been so long since I've been single.

I watch the Beatles cut guy and I'm rather interested in how he is okay with being alone. I wonder if I can light a cigarette here, but I don't risk it because I don't see anyone else doing it and Arielle excused herself and like a good paid girlfriend, she promised to tell me if there were any good food, while I would observe the helicopters frankly doing nothing. The best was yet to come. But at this rate, it seemed really inevitable to skip the underwhelming performances. Going to airshows made me wonder if I had done the right thing by not becoming a pilot, but that never meant that I couldn't save up ridiculously and get myself a license.

Arielle doesn't come back in a while and I wonder if she had decided to ditch me and the Beatles guy since he's right besides me, I notice that he opened some peanuts and I recall people rallying in a class that nuts should be banned everywhere and frankly I didn't know how I wanted to feel about it. I don't really see people socializing much and he actually looks at me, at least I guess through his sunglasses and I'm positive that he is guessing that through my own.

He takes another sip and doesn't move.

Hey.” He states and I wonder if there is anything else he is going to say, but instead he waits for me to reply, I guess. I don't look around, as if wondering where did Arielle possibly go and if she had decided to ditch me, since I already paid her half and that was more than plenty for her to frankly leave.

Hi.” I state just as blankly, as if I were a bit of a crooked reflection, so I don't even do my own job right and I feel a bit bored, is this all I would get from this? Really bad helicopters and a man who is small-talking with me? I wonder a bit about life and how warm it is at the same time. I stretch my hand, because he is not so far away. I do ask. “You alone, then?”

I'm Miles.” He says in an accent I don't pick up right away, because I can't really bother. “Yeah. I never figured that it would be such a craze event which is literally a bunch of couples and families. I would've dragged...”

He takes a sip and ponders on his words as if they were a lost lover.

Someone. Yeah, someone.” He says and smiles wryly. But I'm too much of a stranger for Miles to even speak up about the someone. He doesn't seem to be watching the helicopters either. I feel like I am far too bored.

I brought my girlfriend.” I lie but I had paid for her, so maybe it's not that much of a lie somehow.

Good for you, mate.” Miles smiles at me, jealously and continues drinking his fizzy drink, but I only imagine that he would be drinking it due to anxiety, because I surely would, since drinking eases a person. I wonder who he would drag along and sometimes I just imagine everyone to be queer because it's far more easier that way, but he could be with some blonde model, who decided that he wasn't enough of a hotshot, so she had left him. But she could also be sitting here in some wellies, because it's grass after all and it wouldn't be the most hygienic place for her since there is nothing glamorous about an airshow, besides the people who decided to spend their money on it. I could see her blonde hair and glum facial expression hidden behind the sunglasses or on the opposite it could actually be an older gay guy who would be far too flamboyant to function, who would be a bit lost but enjoying this nevertheless. I wondered how come I had given more credit to the guy, but then it was possibly because my attraction with women was a game of cards and I've always had bad hands. That would explain why I hired a prostitute.

This would probably be the part where I would say here she comes, but instead Arielle is still nowhere to be seen and I wonder if she decided to double time me and try to find another client only to jerk off fast. I wonder how many had hooked up with another guy while being on their job. Well, or women for that matter. I mean, life was such a bisexual experience anyway. We've all had our pasts of discovery, because it's so hard to actually have someone tell a young boy that it's okay to like other boys. But it's okay to force to look at women with a strong stare.

I wonder if Miles thinks that I am lying, so I wish I could have a fizzy drink to sink my sulk in as well or immerse it for the time being.

What are you looking forward to?” I say, probably realizing that Arielle if that's her Disney Princess name, had left me for good. I feel like she's got great luck scoring someone who doesn't really do creepy stuff, because if I had been a hooker I'd have terrible luck and would've scored someone who'd ask me to be in a puppy mask and to lick their boot, considering that I don't like those things. Miles gets my question and opens the small printout booklet with everyone who is meant to fly today and I hope he doesn't say the helicopters which he just missed and wasn't paying attention to.

The Red Arrows, I guess.” He keeps his nose buried in the booklet, probably to kill time and I see that he's just staring at a blank spot, most likely to avoid my curious face. “I've seen a Yak-3 when I was a kid, kind of didn't have much luck after that. Spitfire would be good, hopefully they'll fly together, that would be fun.”

He nearly says it in a monotone voice and I actually wonder if I struck somehow something deep within him with the whole me actually having someone with me and he's the example of why I decided to drag a hooker with me, because I wouldn't stand being alone. I'm sure the gay guy he'd bring would be in a Hawaiian shirt.

Yeah, I'm also looking forward to that. When I was a kid, I always thought that I would save up enough for one and fix it myself.” I pause, letting him question me or say anything at all and I can see that he's probably annoyed, but if I were him I would be so thankful to a stranger who decided to talk to me actually.

What happened to said dream, then...” He pauses. “You never introduced yourself, mate.”

Oh, I'm Alex.” I say, nodding to a much never existing question, which was surely not about my name. Then I realize that I should speak about the dream. “I guess, I guess reality happened. I needed to get a job kind of fast and didn't decide to go into the army, so now I have to just earn my way into a license somehow. That's pretty much it.”

That sounds like an awful short version of a story. But hey, I'm a stranger. No reason to spill the beans.” Miles smirks and drinks again. I wonder how anxious is Mr. Beatles haircut anyway.


I kind of really felt in the mood for picking up this story which frankly was dropped after one chapter for nearly a year. It's nothing which will be long, but it'll be fun to write and I hope will be loved.

I frankly sat and did 600 in one day and 600 in the other, meaning today.

This story is actually the second story ever where I ask my partner for advice, because I'm still a bit of a bonehead when it comes to airshows even if I've been to one and I enjoyed it. So I asked her what could Miles like and so on, to make the conversation going.

I just felt like having a shoutout to Suki who I don't like and just Jamie Hince as the older gay guy coz why not. And that was it.

I pondered on Callie not becoming a pilot and that kind of came for the story as well. I think a lot and that ends up being on paper for me. 

I know the backstory isn't as exciting, but I for once am content with no drama happening which is influencing anything, so I just let my creative juices run by themselves and I grab every event or non event which is happening in my life to squeeze out stories, like that's how the innocent milex is even happening or airshow whore is back on track:)

I hope you enjoyed it, thank you for all the support



Sunday, 24 July 2016

days of innocence 3

Miles looks at me a bit surprised and we're still at the fact that I'll have to ask my gran if it were okay for him to stay over. I figure that we would take the second floor, as both of my grandparents could sleep downstairs, so that we wouldn't disturb them in any way and I already picture us talking instead of sleeping, letting the day end much slower instead of letting it go astray. I wonder if that is a good idea, when I even miss school, even if it's thankfully behind me.

“Yeah, I'll just have to pop in and ask my grandparents, that's all.” He says it a bit shyly, how ridiculous it is that we still juggle this because if it were back home we would just drag each other and have parents deal with that as a fact, but somehow there was some sort of consideration which we held.

“Of course. Wouldn't want them freaking out where'd you have gone.” I smile at him, as we slowly start swimming back, away from the woods and with the fishermen to the end of the right side and literally no one on the beach as the night slowly starts to remind of itself in a drunken haze by colouring the sky a bit darker and hiding the sun away in the clouds. I feel the tiredness take over my body and I wonder if either of us after this long swim will even manage to stay awake for some profound talk.

I think briefly of love, because I'm too tired to speak, I just feel like I'm flailing my arms around and I keep swimming. Miles seems to be the same way, checking on me from while to while and soon enough we are rather close to the shore.

“Sorry, I got far too tired.” I smile at him, as our feet can now feel the lake floor. “Too much depth under our feet and the talk as well.”

Miles splashes me slightly as a reply, I just look around to make sure that there are no pensioners to judge and splash him right back. Miles doesn't give up and tries to turn around from every splash I do, while I'm more clumsy and accept the splash which awaits me. It follows for a good few minutes until we are both out of breath. The bottom isn't too good and slippery, which is a struggle to walk on, making me wonder if we should've ridiculously swam towards the shore as much as we could.

Miles lends me a hand as I try to get out of the lake with the uncomfortable step between the water and the shore and I hold onto it tightly.

I let go of his hand, as he just walks to our clothes and I remember that I had swam in my underwear, hoping that I remember to change into something else instead of soaking in them for the rest of the evening.

“But regarding love...” Miles makes sure that I am listening to him. “I think the beauty of it is that it can be anyone at all. Meaning that it can be at any given moment, that you'll find the girl and it can take any turn because it's anyone.”

I nod at him, putting on my shorts and flip-flops.

“Yeah, I guess that is the beauty of it. I just keep wondering what if I'm too young for it, but I see where you are coming from.” I reply, both of us making sure that nothing could be left, the only thing we don't do is dig the sand, which I doubt would happen since the pensioners don't seem to have such malice as I expected them to have. When I was growing up, I'd hate them all for not having enough grandchildren since I was a late child compared to everyone else who already had their children gone and away from the horrors of spending their summer here. Maybe due to small things like these I've held onto a smaller amount of friends instead, because every slow and small thing builds you up eventually.

I feel like we had dried up the only juicy topic and silence seems to go around us again, even if I oddly feel that we had clicked as Miles decides to go shirtless and in his swimming trunks. Unfortunately I can't do the same, since I am in underwear, so I had to sloppily put on my shorts, but I had left my shirt off for the company of the other young man.

Miles is walking a bit ahead and since by far only the field will be ahead of us, he turns around and walks backwards. I guess our talk had us both open up, since it's not so often that you talk about true love with a group of friends, eventually it gets dull, not knowing what will happen. We see some cat go towards one of the wells which is at the bottom of the hill areas which we are walking in.

“Don't you ever catch yourself getting impatient?” Miles asks me and I just nod, as the cat decides to make a foul turn and screw the well, coming back but rather away from us. “Like... it's not something you discuss often, 'cause you've got the facade to live up to with friends and it's more about what you can catch in the moment. So I'm happy you raised that up.”

“Sometimes I do raise such things one on one, really.” I say recalling how I've pestered Jamie or Matt about what had been bothering me recently and even talking of obscure dreams of women who were far too pretty to date me. “Like even dreams.”

“Even the wet dreams?” Miles mocks me as we slowly reach the end of the lake and I feel a bit sad like a kid again, that the swimming is over for the day because it always relaxes me and looking back, I should treasure that with the horrible pacing of the city.

“Eh. Sometimes. If they're worth bragging about and I didn't come in minutes.” I laugh lightly at myself, hoping that it would never happen to me and I get a bit tense about it, hearing far too many disastrous stories which I wish I would never repeat to anyone who I know.

“I tend to specifically talk of the wet dreams, just because.” Miles says even a bit proudly, so I just observe his facial expression change to some pride, as if I had been let into his circle of friends and I were to see him talk about it in a pub or some coffee shop, if there were school far too soon or homework to do.

“You seem like you know what the hell you'd do to a girl then.” I say even more teasingly, wondering if we could extend this friendship into the city, because he sounds far more fun than I remember when playing with cars as a young child and we've both grown ridiculously, even if we both have the same baby faces and could pass as some long lost brothers.

“Well, I know what in ideal I'd like to try.” Miles says, not really getting any wave of shyness, but I could totally see him go a bit redder if he would be describing it in front of his buddies, even if he is one to raise such topics, but with me he's awfully straightforward and not at all discreet, allowing all his demons to show.

“Oooh.” I coo. “And what is that the sex expert would like to try?”

I wonder if I push it far too much, but somehow our topic just wanders into sex and love and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. And it's an interesting topic after all.

“Everything!” He continues with the facade, only now that we've fully reached the field, he turns around and I see him staring at the sunflowers and I see how the sun plays with his Beatles hair. I wonder if he actually went with a picture of any of them and asked for it or if it was sufficient to just say what he wanted or maybe he just got that? But he did seem like a Beatles person.

“That's a very shy answer for someone to brag about, you know?” I mock him, as he turns around and stops to grin and look at me in the eye. He laughs at me, but doesn't shy away from the question.

“What, you want a full on sex description you could wank to later? I feel like a sex dealer now. Could be a pimp or a good erotica writer.” He says putting his hands in his swim shorts.

“You're really shying away from the question, Miles.” I keep mocking him, as we stand. And soon enough it'll get dark and we will be reminding that even the longest of days end. We stand awfully close, which makes me a bit uncomfortable, making it far too intimate, but I feel bad if I decide to take a step back. And it's awful because Miles seems to be like the sort of guy which stares at you in the eyes far too often, which is what he does now, so I just get to see the dark brown eyes look back at me and smirk, possibly realizing that I'm a bit unused to the closeness between us currently.

My heart beats a bit faster, from all the tension which shouldn't even have built up in the first place from standing far too close.

“I'm not.” Miles teases me, seeing that I get fidgety. Instead he just sees the opportunity to mock me even more, so he steps a bit closer and the only thing around us is sunflowers to the now left side and fields which end with woods on the other side of the lake. I don't dare to tell him anything, because he might just mock me that I'm gay or something. Miles the damn wanker just stares at me, holding a grin from biting his bottom lip and gets even closer, watching me.

I'm screwed.

He leans so close that I just gulp, feeling my whole body raise a tension alarm and I don't even want to think of my pants which make me feel uneasy and surely not ridiculously aroused.

Miles toys with me even more, hovering above me, by being a bit taller. For a brief second I see that his eyes ease, realizing how uncomfortable he had made me, but soon enough I can see that he went with a big 'nah' in his head and frankly the next step would be to hold my face in his hands, but instead he leans even closer, which makes me wonder how would it feel-

But instead he leans against my ear.

I know he's toying with me.

His voice is silky against my ear and I can only call him a wanker now.

“I'd love to try anal.” And I can't as both of us burst out laughing, as if we were middleschoolers again. Miles leans back from my ear and looks at my reaction, as I'm sure I'm all red and I don't even want to look down to see myself half soft. We laugh for a good while, not stepping back. I can't stop laughing and thinking how to one up him and I wonder if we even have any boundaries.

“Well...” And I pause, looking at him, but this is getting old, we've both gotten used to the distance and I just want to one up him really badly. I can't lean to his ear again. I look down at his lips. Miles notices my eyes slide there and shuts up.

“I can surely give you that.” And I kiss him. It's rather chaste and quick, but enough for me to feel him ease under my lips.

It's surely enough.

There's a big pause when it's over and we've both stepped away. Miles doesn't rub it off, instead I think he wants to one up it when he leans back and kisses me again, but once he opens his mouth, I realize that maybe he doesn't want to one up it. We both get too scared of touching tongues, but we do briefly. Then we break it.

“I'm sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too. Let's not-”

“Yeah.” I don't even know who spoke were, but we walk silently back and I get paranoid of the fact that Miles might not stay over, when he tells me he will go ahead when we reach the tall grass, to tell his grandparents and my heart does a somersault, but I ignore it, just giving a small smile as he stares at me confused and walks off.   


I had binged 1.5 k in the morning, because I frankly just woke up and had this sudden urge to write the story with absolutely nothing in my mind, so this was all a very happy accident. 

It's deep night now and I'm terribly tired after worrying all day whether this chapter will be liked or not, frankly because SOMETHING had happened. I tried to stretch it as much as I could and frankly, I know this is just the tip of the story and to be very honest I go to sleep with a different idea where to drag the story, I think about it a lot before I sleep, like where should I lead it to and so on. 

I'm so tired, that I'm trying to make sure that I say everything which had gone on in my mind, but I just thought a lot to make sure that I wasn't turning the kiss into a cliche of my own, with like using "he kissed me" as a phrase with it's own paragraph like I always do and because I write so much, there is a lot of anxiety to make sure that it's new and original. 

What made me think a lot, was the bluntness I've had with a bunch of girls in the past. Growing up and looking back, I had so many of my closest friends who had flirted with me or had full on come on with me who considered themselves to be attracted to men solely (well, they are, but it was back when they wouldn't know I was a trans guy either) and how it had just happened and all. I never took action besides like literally one time when I was kissed, but nothing happened, but that was like out of nearly 10 girls who tried it on with me. I guess I'm very very attracted to men xD but sexuality is so complex and growing up it's even more confusing and kind of encountering yourself in an enviroment where someone is flirting with you. And even I've done close things but I never actually meant anything. 

I always write such scenes with tension super slow, because my imagination is vivid as fuck and I have to literally yank myself back into reality and write it down and I always worry if I described it as vividly as I had seen it. 

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and as proud as I am :)

Thank you so much for your support



Tuesday, 19 July 2016

days of innocence 2

They still all look at me, disapproving of my plain briefs, but Miles is already in the water, so I just go forwards, leaving our clothing behind. There are no valuables with us since there is nothing to really drag around. I don't really bother much, even if it feels too cold to begin with – the water, that is. Miles already starts by floating on his back idly, lifting his head a bit to make sure that I am next to him and I just join him on his idle activity, letting my hearing go away from me as soon as my ears go underwater. It's far too calm for anyone else to disturb us, as we happened to crash a bunch of over forty year old's tanning sessions, so we had the lake all to ourselves besides the fishermen on another side of the lake.

Soon enough I got bored of just staring at the sky and decided to swim a bit ahead, leaving Miles behind, realizing that I haven't seen him in too long to splash him out of his trance. But it wasn't like my swimming wasn't leading me into a trance as well, I just swam further to observe the feral trails between the woods and the naked hills. I never understood how come people called it beautiful, it all seemed like the same fields to me, the same grass and the same nurturing green which you could see anywhere.

But I kept swimming, until I felt Miles catch up on me, smiling and wondering himself. I saw him slightly open his mouth to say something, but he decided against it. I guess we were far too old to pretend that we were bored, because we were actually bored and we seemed to be harvesting a conversation, allowing it to arise somehow without either of us even trying. I don't even know what to ask and how awkward can we even get when it comes to questions.

So I decide to dive, allowing my body to try and pretend that something idle but nicer has happened to it. It's just so boring, that the thoughts just crawl in my head, but I run out of oxygen too soon, so I decide to head back to the surface, leaving the warmth of feeling nothing and some sort of nostalgia for last summer which was just as boring as this one should be. I end up gasping a bit for air, as Miles is ahead of me, but once he hears my breathing he turns around to check on me and eases from the sudden thought that I could be in any sort of distress.

Miles after a short pause, starts swimming again, somewhat closer to the middle of the lake, making me realize how much we had swam from the shore and I wonder if we would even be able to make it to the other side. It seemed more like drowning was a stronger alternative to that.

Once I catch up to Miles, he just looks at me and I guess we both try to ruffle our minds and try to act as casual as we could. Because as children, you don't have to think much about being awkward and how it would feel in failing a conversation. So-

“So you seeing anyone, Al?” Miles asks me and I feel a blush creep up on my cheeks, because literally everyone had started shagging and I kind of felt behind, always tumbling around when it came to girls. I had girlfriends and girls I've kissed and even crept up their shirts, but I still had to go further. I knew that eventually Miles would ask that and I'd have to confess that I was stuck with that torture.

“No, not now.” The last girl was just us making out during some gig and that had been it. Maybe I had taken her to a pub, but it was so short and she had left so early, that I decided that it was not even worth recalling even if I could still see her leopard print coat even if the warmer days of spring had already hit us, giving us a trembling peak of an orange summer. “You?”

“No.” Miles says, but realizing that saying no always kills a conversation. And after all this was the juciest coneversation we would have and we already decided to pick out the ripest fruit. “I broke up a while back from this girl, got unlucky, I guess.”

I bet he would shrug and I actually got sad that neither of us had the luck in girls, so I wondered if he had managed to shag someone. If he had better luck than I had. We both looked at each other in desperate hope, that somehow we would click or maybe I was just panicking on how awkward I was.

“What happened? You alright now?” I quickly add the second question, as if I could touch him and pat him on the back in some comfort.

“Oh, yeah, yeah. We just... I don't even know what happened. She just said she wasn't feeling it. I mean, I wasn't head over heels in love with her and well, it would be strange for it to be so after a month of dating, but she just said, that there was something off.” He pauses and looks at me. “God knows why.”

“That's sad and I'm sorry that it happened. Did you like her, though?” I feel like he would lie even to himself, as he looks rather distraught from the whole turn the conversation has taken, even if he was the one to tie the noose around his neck.

“M... Yeah, I guess. I did like her. But I can't really chain her to myself, can I?” He sighed and stopped for a bit, to rest, to pause everything and it was just us alone in the lake and I looked behind to see that the pensioners had long gone apparently, as we were swimming this whole time. It would have gone dark by now, if it were to go dark or if it were a different season upon us, but instead we are drenched in a milky sky and no illusion of the night which causes us to fall asleep, instead it feels like chunking down life in a way.

“Of course.” I pause finally as well and we just swim close to each other. “But that's still... sad though. I'm actually sorry. I mean, sometimes it doesn't work out because it's not meant to be and sometimes the right person will be right next to the lost one, so she was just giving way.”

I think for a bit.

“Maybe the other one will have bigger tits.” I shrug, moving my legs a bit faster because it's starting to get a bit chilly.

“Hopefully. She was actually a bit flat.” Miles remarks, himself looking back and dreading the swim back.

“I don't think I'd care too much.” I think about it for a bit before saying.

“Me neither.” He adds flatly and we both give small smiles.

“I just figured it would be a supportive message.” I say.

“That's nice, Al. Thanks.” At least there is some bond, because we've played as kids, so there is at least something to pretend about and after all, we won't see each other again unless we get dragged next summer again, but it feels like this could be the final end of childhood. After that something else awaits, which will just somehow unravel like a night's scarf will and show the stars and you'll never know how many.

“I really think we should start swimming back.” Miles says and I just nod, a new question creeping onto me and I wonder if I do want to unravel more complicated questions, as everything feels like a clean but known slate. I just glance at him. “What's up, Al?”

“I guess I'm rather tired, that's all. And I started thinking. I had this girl just walk out on me, so then I started thinking if I were to be one to ask if you believe in love, is it stupid that I'm asking at such age?” I actually voice out my thoughts, which causes Miles to swim a bit slower and look at me rather confused. I would look at myself the same way, if Miles were to hold a handheld mirror right to face me, but instead if the water were calmer, I would be able to look down and see my own confused self.


I don't think so. It's alright to ask, I think.” It feels like a question which I could ask to bring us closer, after all, at least I wouldn't waste time with nothing upon my hands, at least I would get a close friend. And I imagine us actually meeting back in the city, when the winter hits low with snow and we can look at each other and laugh at the red cheeks which frost gives us. “I do believe in it and I think you can find it at any age.”

Maybe I give him a funny look.

“What? Aren't you supposed to be the romantic one with the Little Prince and shit?” Miles softly laughs at me. “Of course you can meet anyone at any age. Just like you can meet them when you're rather old.”

I realize that I've had this conversation with girls who hadn't cared about me, but I try to tuck that away like a bad card on my hand.

“And then just die of a heart attack and not even in the arms of your beloved, because they served you coffee last night and you weren't at that stage yet. It's sad.” Miles says and I wonder who of us is crazier.

“I just try... to calm myself down, that it's alright to be late or that everything will come to me later.”

“Did you not fuck a girl or something?” Miles teases me. It feels too much, so I make a face and look at him, as if begging him not to go there and I'm sure the sun has decided to roast my brain, that I am already revealing all my secrets or it could be because of the cold water or because I am terribly tired of swimming. Miles look at me, feeling a bit bad. “I'm a virgin, too.”

I blink, as if I had found another alien, just like me when I thought I was abandoned.

“I thought I'd shag the girl I told you about, but alas. I did like her.” Miles bites his lip and looks down, still swimming faster.

“I just thought I'd shag, to be honest.” I smirked, trying to lighten up the situation, but I guess that's why Miles raised the topic in the first place, because he wanted to speak of it, to let it flow away instead of letting it eat him this summer. And I try to think of something.

“You can stay with us for the night, if you want. Then we can just relax, instead of you sulking around. I mean, I don't really share my love life with my gran. If you do, that's alright, but I don't.” I say. “Then we can have a sleepover and stuff. It's not like there is anything else to do anyway.”

I add, as if making this sound like a terrible advertisement.


I really love this story and I'm really feeling it now since it's summer and whatnot. I really love it.

I did this in two sittings, with most just written now and I just kept binging and stopped literally because I had reached the word count, to be fairly honest. I would've even gone on to keep describing everything which is going down. 

I'm having a tough time keeping them apart, because I'm not good at keeping any of my characters from fucking right away, that's why they go on such a deep conversation, but it's also something I dp rather often, because I'm always craving to know people who I know or who I'm interested in, even if Miles and Alex don't fully know it yet. 

Ah, yes, no valuables, no cell phones, what an odd time that was. 

I just kept binging this and binging, thinking of their conversation and that's how it really came to be. I let my imagination go wild and there's not much backstory, this story comes out of thinking of boredom and summer love, really. 

I hope you really enjoyed this and I'm happy that the second chapter is out :)



Saturday, 9 July 2016

England's Not Breathing 4

I'm sure I flattered him in some odd way and I end up over thinking it, as we get the beer and go back to Pete. After all, who am I to kid that the blokes here don't play on tonight's attraction and that lasts throughout the night or the first few minutes, but all ends once one comes or depending if the bloke was nice, it lasts until the other finishes as well. Damon crosses my mind as the partner of the night, but we are already sitting on the table with a scribbling Pete who is tapping to the music, heard so many times from me dragging him here. Now, Damon is watching Scarfo play as well. I wish I was the one with the notebook, so I just lean in to ask Pete.

“I thought you wouldn't come back.” Pete says instead, poking me with a pencil. “I thought you were gonna ditch poor Jamie and run off with Damon. Then, I'd get Jamie to myself.”

“Bollocks. I've got my eye on the prize, don't you worry.” I smirk, watching Damon swinging from side to side and sipping his beer in big gulps. I wonder about Jamie, how he looks and he's a frequent visitor of my dreams and thoughts. I've even guiltily touched myself to him, barely sleeping that night that I should've really not done it. But then who hasn't wanked to a crush?

I felt guilty even eyeing Damon, as if anything had ever happened between me and Jamie. I was always terribly afraid of cheating even if I had never done it, I was scared that one day I'd just wake up in the wrong man's bed and that would be it and the love of my life would be astray. But as if I were my own psychologist I told myself to try and stay in the moment, that I should really enjoy Jamie's band and Damon's kind acceptance to introduce me to Jamie. I've been awfully depressed usually up to the point that my first suicidal thoughts which I would never admit to anyone came to me as a child, just because I was so bored that I started thinking of ending my life, because nothing held meaning and being a child isn't fun at all. I thought of the easiest ways which my parents would hand me on a plate, saying that this and that would kill me instantly.

I lit a cigarette, watching Jamie shyly sing and I wondered how did he ever get the confidence and it's in those moments when you try and believe that you managed to understand a person and that only justifies your attraction, as if it makes it easier and somehow works in the mind. Damon sometimes looks back to smile at me, as if knowing everything which is going in my mind and whirling out all these thoughts, which I would never dare to utter out loud somehow. Then Damon turns around, looking at me. I really feel like if I had wanted to score, I would've.

“Can I talk or are you too immersed, which is absolutely fine.” He says with a rather broad smile and I stare at his light hair, wondering if he is one of those people who know they look good in the mirror. Because I'd only dread looking in the mirror with my glasses or without them. But without had its advantages, I wouldn't have to see myself, instead it's a blur and a blur can be attractive. Maybe I should've gone with someone as blind as I am. I never boasted confidence and spoke quite quietly. Shy of my height so I do hunch a little. I'm all around shy of myself. Pete pokes me with a pencil, reminding me that I am spacing out to which I just rub the hit area.

“No, no, you're fine-” I start speaking and smiling back at his contagious smile.

“He's more interested in shagging the poor fellow.” Pete interrupts me, grinning and I just want him to stop speaking all together, but he doesn't ever. He's always like the little devil which people manage to hear on my shoulder.

I wonder if he had wanted to invite me to dance to them, but I figured that I had blown all my chances dancing, so perhaps it were alright to talk. I wouldn't let my eye off Jamie though, I'd keep staring for sure which was something which wouldn't shoo off any of my companions. I do wonder what possibly could Damon speak of, because my mind was blank besides Scarfo blasting in my mind and Pete is the only one besides me and Damon who is doing something else, which is scribbling what appears to be a rough draft of his homework. At least I could only hope that it is a rough draft. I could see him handing it to the teacher without doubt, since now he had set his mind on a solo career and while I had more than full on faith in poor Pete, he surely needed to progress and actually set something in his mind other than talking about it or scribbling how he'd have groupies in all possible positions in his notebooks. Also he would have to actually do some lyrics. There was surely a lot of things which Pete had to do and he wasn't doing.

“So how long have you been watching Scarfo and Jamie up close?” Damon asked.

“Years. Years. Can't you see our beards?” Pete smirked, looking up from his three way with groupies on paper. I truly wished him to get such acrobatic young men, as I quickly stole a glance at the sheet of paper. Then I focused on being angry at my best friend.

“Months, it's not that bad.” But the moment it left my mouth, I realized how sad it was and how much it showed that I literally had no belief in myself.

“And you had no guts to approach Jamie?” Damon tried to hold back a smile, but it was clearly seeping through and I felt embarrassed of my own shyness, which had truly led me to drag Pete here so often and first it was only a few times a month, until it became like an obsession and Pete was right – it's not like I really enjoyed going to a pub to drink, it was really just to let my mind paint different things while watching Jamie and only guessing what the young man had gone through with his band and how had his past looked like.

“I would tell him to, but Graham here would be like nooooo.” Pete said, back to his paper and drawing on the acrobatic male's pubes at the same time. I nearly yanked the sheet of paper from him, wanting to show it to Damon as a different conversation, since I wanted a distraction and something else for them to fuss about rather than my non-existent love life and wonder what was wrong with me. I glanced at both, hoping that they would drop the subject.

I couldn't tell something like fear holding me back from approaching Jamie, as if you should never approach a musician you admire in order to not get disappointed and overall I knew my attraction to Jamie was rather high, so I decided to leave it at bay rather than act on it. But none of those things were anything I wanted to discuss with someone who was still a stranger to me, even if it occurred to me that we could hook up somehow, since the attraction for a night was there. It didn't require much to hook up, it was the initial curiosity which would do the trick and held the cock up high.

I just shrugged, as if it were no big deal and simply because I didn't want this to drag on further, so Damon just drank from his pint, watching me. I wasn't going to say anything else and I was confident in my stupid decisions as well. I wondered if I had to fess up to it, but instead I just pretended to be listening more to Jamie's music than mindless chatter which was bordering on humiliating me.


It took me over a year, but I think everyone knows that I have a rough time with my mental health. So now I'm back and picking up old stories, updating them and giving them some love. I missed this story and it means a lot to me because Blur was my first bandfic which I truly fell in love with. 

A lot of the backbone of the story was me thinking of hookups and attraction which kind of threads through out the whole chapter between Damon and Graham, as they both noticed each other. 

I started listening to Scarfo as I was writing this chapter, but that ended up being too distracting and made me want to write some Brian/Jamie instead, but I wanted to stick with my path and have more of this chapter as I did it in two goes, today and yesterday. 

It was really hard to write and I'd do something like 100 words per song, since I was away for so long and my mood was a bit all over the place and I didn't really know what I felt like writing innerly, but my mind wanted to finish this chapter:)

Sometimes it's hard to come back to stories I haven't written in a while, sometimes it's more than okay. 

I really hope you enjoyed it and thank you for all your support



Friday, 8 July 2016

Noah's Ark

It keeps snowing.

It falls in rather big chunks, which I'm sure if you spread out evenly they will be constellations in the sky, which would also happen if one would look up and see the snow threading its fingers up to the clouds, which make sure to cover the slow day sky.

I don't say a word though, instead I just keep quiet, folding my arms on my chest, before realizing how much discomfort will the action cause. The whole desire to be thankful is long gone, because such is the human mind. Once I told him what was wrong with me, he just accepted it, grabbing the biggest scissors we had and told me to cut off the hair. He claimed that he would love me under all circumstances and that me being a man meant little change to him. Money was never an issue as I would never understand where it would come from and the scent of other perfume and cologne would still be on his skin sometimes. After a while, it vanished, as soon as I stopped loving. I didn't even dare to have anyone else on my skin, I would have nightmares of someone unwrapping me and seeing everything behind all the cloth which I'd wear even to bed.

The documents were changed, my parents were long dead, so there was no family to tell of mine that now they had a son. And even then I'd always gone by Hux, so changing the name was something he had done for me, me just waving my hand that I wouldn't care.

Some people say that love goes away with age and I really think it does. It hides at least, for sure that I can't find it, no matter how excessively I clean.

I don't know how people cope with two men walking down the streets, we never hold hands or anything, the only time we touch is in bed and I've already thought of everyone when he's inside me, even the younger guy he has which always comes around and I guess does the dirty work, whatever it would be. I always thought that it was drugs, but I'd never seen them or heard any drug talk. So the question remained, but since my love was gone I did the favour of never wondering what he did that brought in such money and a change of documents to the core and no one batting an eyelash of him living with a man so intimately or someone who seemed to be a woman not so long ago.

As I cut the hair, I told myself that I would always love him, that surely someone who wouldn't mind waking up in the arms of another man was worth loving. But there was something always off. It wasn't even the ridiculous age difference and I had lived up to my thirties in this trapped marriage with no children, because I always said that I would never get pregnant and things remained that way.

I told myself that it was all my fault, but the thing was I wasn't too young to run astray or any other person had caught my eye. I just felt lonely, he'd be gone for the day and I didn't want to interact much with the world, after all I had always feared that my voice or anything about me would give it away, no matter how tight I would pull the bandages around my chest and stick a sock in my pants. I would shave just to make the skin rougher along with the small hairs which were all that I was graced with. I enjoyed it, at least when the foam would cover everything and I could imagine that I had a beard. That seemed joyful enough.

Eventually the evenings would lead to being split up, I would just enjoy going somewhere for dinner alone, as he would find some meetings to attend, just before the day would end, in the beginning I cared whether the meetings were with a man or a woman, his bisexuality was something calming for me to the end of the day. Maybe that's why he accepted me so easily. But either way it was a way of joy for a good while.

I tried not to think too much, as I tried a new place, choosing a new location each day and shyly ordering a drink and sometimes some food just to listen to some music, which so many people considered underground, after all it wasn't praising the regime. On the opposite, it was brushing it with dishonour, but it was the energy which drove me to these places and they were always with a nice check, full of people were I could just blend in. Sometimes women would approach me, asking if I were interested in anything at all, but I would always make some lie that I was waiting for a friend, even if my partner would never show up because I asked so. In a very rare instance it would be a man, which I would look at it but we would sit in silence as he would listen and soon enough leave. And it wasn't like I had the courage to cheat. I knew that I had nothing else going for me.

I left with a haste kiss, both of us departing in nearly opposite directions. I wondered how would it feel if I were still in love. What even was such a long lasting love anyway?

I had no idea and nothing to confirm it either. Mine had faded away because we had read different books, listened to different music even if he would put on a facade of being interested, soon enough he stopped it, knowing that I would never leave and his love was the leash around our necks.

The restaurant was crowded as usual after a long walk through the clouds of snow, as any other place and music was blasting rather loudly, tons of girls in front of the stage, as some goofy song was playing, exposing the band with notably no drummer, which was odd because the drums were in front of everyone, close to the black singer. Soon enough, right after I had ordered some new drink which was the new house favourite as the menu discarded on the table said, a young man went through the crowd with rather longish black hair. Some people greeted him and the singer smiled, even if the drummer was clearly late. Now, I had a full view of him and he was rather striking with pale skin and there was just something magnetic as he joined the singer in the song. The whole room changed as he came in, the song becoming far more energetic with two voices and specifically his loud deep one, as he made sure to look at everyone in the room. He seemed to be known in this restaurant and could possibly be one of the reasons it were so crowded tonight. Soon enough they both went towards the crowd, asking them questions, causing the girls to blush and avoiding the men.

I quickly made eye contact with the man, as he nudged the singer briefly, nodding towards me, but they never approached me, keeping it to the female gender, which I presumed was part of the brief off-stage act. But I kept my eyes fixed on the male with the long hair, standing out against everyone else and I wondered how did he not get into further trouble by looking so flamboyant even if his clothes were plain, just like the rest of the bands. I sometimes missed the red locks I had cut off, but it would have just been confusing for everyone since I didn't have all the best masculine features and the lack of a beard and the body I had always bothered me. I tried my best to work out everyday, pondering how to make myself more masculine even if people had never tapped into my secret.

For a brief moment I wished that I was a girl again, just to get a question asked and giggle, but I hadn't giggled in years and I'm sure that I would've struggled with it as much as crying. It's as if the years had dried up my soul and I couldn't get even one tear out of my eyes.

The evening progressed with even goofier songs, which told stories near and far of how everything was around the land and some love stories here and there, about girls with bright eyes which left their husbands for the said singer and something would go wrong. Everyone listened, danced and those who knew would sing along. In the end I would just make sure, as I ate, that I would keep my eyes on the singer just like everyone else would. He was deeply charismatic. But I didn't know if he even looked twice at men, even if he briefly nudged the singer. They both were entangled in a bunch of talks with girls, so I assumed that they were interested in them, then. Well and there went my luck. I finished eating and pondered on desert, before eyeing the singer one last time and leaving, thinking that I could come back again indeed. I thought that it would be the end. It seemed like a fitting short story, that I had checked out some guy who clearly looked different that the rest and he nudged his partner in crime and that had been it.

I waited outside as my lighter had started giving up on me, for it to start working again. Halfway through the cigarette I saw the singer and the drummer appear for a smoke themselves. I had an instant burst of courage, looking around and walking towards them. I could offer them cigarettes, which was the least I could do after an interesting show. Not to mention the attraction I had felt, it was something I was thankful for. It made me feel a bit younger again and some desire that I could run away and leave.

“Would you like some cigarettes?” I asked, taking out a pack and motioning to both of them. The drummer smiled at me, before taking one each and handing it to the singer, who told him 'thanks, Kylo.'

That was also an unusual name and I wondered if it was a stage name, which I was clearly unaware of. Then I lit each of their cigarettes, watching them both and wishing I were attractive as either of them, even if it was surely the drummer who had stole my heart with his looks. I just had an average cut and the only thing striking about me was my golden red hair, which had caused people to turn and flirt back when I thought I was female.

“You were both great, the whole band was. I really enjoyed it.” I smiled at both of them, looking back at the restaurant gingerly and jealously to make sure that no one would disturb the brief conversation path I had gotten. I could hear the sea from here, even if the people are still loud behind the shut restaurant doors. I didn't know how else I could attract them and they were younger than I was, maybe by ten years. The drummer, Kylo, up close seemed even more frail and young. He kept his eyes fixed on me up to the point that I had to look down, as we all three took our first drag together.

“Thank you, that's very kind of you.” The singer said, grinning and revealing a rather big smile, which I was sure attracted many worthy people. But my eyes were on the drummer, not because the singer was bad, but because it so happened that the flip of a coin landed on another attraction and the drummer was looking at me.

“Thank you, we really tried.” Then Kylo took a brief pause, before asking me further. “What are your plans for tonight? I am nearly done with my performance. I can even buy you a drink, as you wait.”

I blinked. It felt rather straight forward and was this how men flirted with men? Was this how easily all was done? I never knew because I had been courted back when I was awfully young and thought of myself as someone else.

“No, no, I'll buy one myself. But I'll gladly buy you one as you're done.” Or whatever you have in mind, I was going to add, but the wind thankfully was taking away my courage, which I barely had. Kylo smiled back at me, nodding.

“We could go elsewhere, as well. I'm rather tired of the restaurant since that is where I work, well, partially, just a few times a week. It doesn't bring in too much money, but I'm happy with it and pleased that I get to meet so many different people.” He told me, as I saw that the singer was slowly backing off and pretended not to be listening to our conversation, but I could see how a smile could be reached in his eyes, after all anyone would be happy about their friend finding someone to spend some time with.

I wondered when had I dropped a code or was it my hair, was it my attire? What was it or was it a plain hunch that made him realize that I was also into men? But even then I was positive that he would surely take his time and dabble into whatever he was planning to do slowly, after all no one wanted to get arrested and whatever fate was there for any caught homosexual.

“I'm sure it's a great job.” I nodded. “We can go wherever you would like.”

I didn't really pay attention to how the singer took a step back and was now smoking on his own, looking around, as if the pitch black were day and he would be able to see the sea from here. I just focused on him for a brief while until he looked at me, as if saying that I should really be pursuing my interest and there was nothing to be afraid of, but that was surely all in my head.

In the end we all three finished our cigarettes and slowly went back inside into the heat, making the thought of not properly closing my fur coat a distant memory with all the heating. Kylo told me to wait another two-three songs, depending on the atmosphere and then we would be able to leave. I wondered what did he mean by the atmosphere, as the place was packed to the rim and girls were still ready to pounce on the attractive young man anytime. Maybe he realised that there was something off when it came to me with the sole reason that I was probably the only man so interested in him today, because all the boyfriends and husbands were enjoying each other's company or making sure that their female companions wouldn't be stomped to death.

The last four songs (I was deeply surprised that after the fourth the girls let him go so easily, probably under the condition that he would come back again on the next date) were just as comic as the previous ones with both him and the singer singing together, watching every motion the crowd would throw back at them. I waited until Kylo dressed up and sat next to me, as I had drank half of my tea, so I dunked it.

“You can take your time, we have nowhere urgent to be.” But as he said it, it were rather late as I decided that no matter the tea temperature I wanted to get out and find out the place which Kylo had decided to take me to. Curiosity had been killing me through out all the songs, as I nearly would impatiently tap my fingers against the table, hoping for the songs to end abruptly and that we would go somewhere and at the same time I couldn't help but continue watching him play the drums rather carelessly yet with rhythm which was much needed to the songs and smile at everyone from the singer to the other band members and everyone to the crowd.


Another story I had taken to AO3 before putting on the blog. I'm a whore for feedback and whatnot, so that's why I've been really warming up to it. Also it's a Kylux story so I figured it would be seen more there rather than just advertising on tumblr. But of course, the blog gets the royal treatment and is the house to the backstory.

I'm on a roll. I'm trying to post something every day, whether it's posting some chapter here or there or writing, I'm doing it :)

I ended up falling in love with Kylux, because I loved  Kylo Ren a lot watching Star Wars and I was trying to get myself back into reading rather viciously and I realized that I could check out the pairing and I ended up reading and really enjoying myself, which I had recently only experienced with Gryles. I'm awfully picky when it comes to reading that I end up not reading anything rather than read something I don't like, so I figured to fight it. 

Then I realized that I had no plot and I started thinking a lot, what could I come up with and it took me a few days to figure out the plot. I wanted something AU because I just loved a few AUs I had read of them and recently I've really been into writing AUs, so there I was.

I wanted something set in the past, so I started pondering on different areas which interested me, as I was talking to Callie about it. Then I started thinking about my several attempts of doing things set in the Soviet Union and I'd always drop them or get bored not even to have a full chapter, so I went brainstorming more, recalling Assa which is a Russian 80s movie which seems like Submarine took a lot of inspiration from or is a very happy coincidence, which I doubt. I quite loved the love line there, well, the love triangle and overrall the setting is really good, so I figured why not pay some tribute to it and have a lovely fanfic to it?

Also it gave way to have Finn as a lovely singer who is friends with Kylo. 

I changed and made Hux live in the city instead. I'm just making the setting a city, but, sure, make it Yalta in your mind if it makes you happier. But I don't know Yalta that well to describe it and my memory is foggy since I've been there. 

Making Hux trans was a decision because I saw the trans tuesdays and was in awe that it existed, since I've written trans fanfiction before and really enjoyed it, since it's one of the most truthful things I can write of course. I also struggled who to make trans for a bit, but then decided on Hux. 

Unfortunately I have no idea how actually was it for a trans person then, I can only guess from the scraps I've read and I also guessed more. But it's not really set then and well, it's really fictional as well. 

If you've seen Assa, I made a lot of changed, but I kept the core intact, so I'm hope whomever will be happy with it.

I just binged it and kept forcing it out of me, because I was just so invested in having a Kylux story so yeah

I really hope you enjoyed it and thank you so much for your dear support