days of innocence 3

Miles looks at me a bit surprised and we're still at the fact that I'll have to ask my gran if it were okay for him to stay over. I figure that we would take the second floor, as both of my grandparents could sleep downstairs, so that we wouldn't disturb them in any way and I already picture us talking instead of sleeping, letting the day end much slower instead of letting it go astray. I wonder if that is a good idea, when I even miss school, even if it's thankfully behind me.

“Yeah, I'll just have to pop in and ask my grandparents, that's all.” He says it a bit shyly, how ridiculous it is that we still juggle this because if it were back home we would just drag each other and have parents deal with that as a fact, but somehow there was some sort of consideration which we held.

“Of course. Wouldn't want them freaking out where'd you have gone.” I smile at him, as we slowly start swimming back, away from the woods and with the fishermen to the end of the right side and literally no one on the beach as the night slowly starts to remind of itself in a drunken haze by colouring the sky a bit darker and hiding the sun away in the clouds. I feel the tiredness take over my body and I wonder if either of us after this long swim will even manage to stay awake for some profound talk.

I think briefly of love, because I'm too tired to speak, I just feel like I'm flailing my arms around and I keep swimming. Miles seems to be the same way, checking on me from while to while and soon enough we are rather close to the shore.

“Sorry, I got far too tired.” I smile at him, as our feet can now feel the lake floor. “Too much depth under our feet and the talk as well.”

Miles splashes me slightly as a reply, I just look around to make sure that there are no pensioners to judge and splash him right back. Miles doesn't give up and tries to turn around from every splash I do, while I'm more clumsy and accept the splash which awaits me. It follows for a good few minutes until we are both out of breath. The bottom isn't too good and slippery, which is a struggle to walk on, making me wonder if we should've ridiculously swam towards the shore as much as we could.

Miles lends me a hand as I try to get out of the lake with the uncomfortable step between the water and the shore and I hold onto it tightly.

I let go of his hand, as he just walks to our clothes and I remember that I had swam in my underwear, hoping that I remember to change into something else instead of soaking in them for the rest of the evening.

“But regarding love...” Miles makes sure that I am listening to him. “I think the beauty of it is that it can be anyone at all. Meaning that it can be at any given moment, that you'll find the girl and it can take any turn because it's anyone.”

I nod at him, putting on my shorts and flip-flops.

“Yeah, I guess that is the beauty of it. I just keep wondering what if I'm too young for it, but I see where you are coming from.” I reply, both of us making sure that nothing could be left, the only thing we don't do is dig the sand, which I doubt would happen since the pensioners don't seem to have such malice as I expected them to have. When I was growing up, I'd hate them all for not having enough grandchildren since I was a late child compared to everyone else who already had their children gone and away from the horrors of spending their summer here. Maybe due to small things like these I've held onto a smaller amount of friends instead, because every slow and small thing builds you up eventually.

I feel like we had dried up the only juicy topic and silence seems to go around us again, even if I oddly feel that we had clicked as Miles decides to go shirtless and in his swimming trunks. Unfortunately I can't do the same, since I am in underwear, so I had to sloppily put on my shorts, but I had left my shirt off for the company of the other young man.

Miles is walking a bit ahead and since by far only the field will be ahead of us, he turns around and walks backwards. I guess our talk had us both open up, since it's not so often that you talk about true love with a group of friends, eventually it gets dull, not knowing what will happen. We see some cat go towards one of the wells which is at the bottom of the hill areas which we are walking in.

“Don't you ever catch yourself getting impatient?” Miles asks me and I just nod, as the cat decides to make a foul turn and screw the well, coming back but rather away from us. “Like... it's not something you discuss often, 'cause you've got the facade to live up to with friends and it's more about what you can catch in the moment. So I'm happy you raised that up.”

“Sometimes I do raise such things one on one, really.” I say recalling how I've pestered Jamie or Matt about what had been bothering me recently and even talking of obscure dreams of women who were far too pretty to date me. “Like even dreams.”

“Even the wet dreams?” Miles mocks me as we slowly reach the end of the lake and I feel a bit sad like a kid again, that the swimming is over for the day because it always relaxes me and looking back, I should treasure that with the horrible pacing of the city.

“Eh. Sometimes. If they're worth bragging about and I didn't come in minutes.” I laugh lightly at myself, hoping that it would never happen to me and I get a bit tense about it, hearing far too many disastrous stories which I wish I would never repeat to anyone who I know.

“I tend to specifically talk of the wet dreams, just because.” Miles says even a bit proudly, so I just observe his facial expression change to some pride, as if I had been let into his circle of friends and I were to see him talk about it in a pub or some coffee shop, if there were school far too soon or homework to do.

“You seem like you know what the hell you'd do to a girl then.” I say even more teasingly, wondering if we could extend this friendship into the city, because he sounds far more fun than I remember when playing with cars as a young child and we've both grown ridiculously, even if we both have the same baby faces and could pass as some long lost brothers.

“Well, I know what in ideal I'd like to try.” Miles says, not really getting any wave of shyness, but I could totally see him go a bit redder if he would be describing it in front of his buddies, even if he is one to raise such topics, but with me he's awfully straightforward and not at all discreet, allowing all his demons to show.

“Oooh.” I coo. “And what is that the sex expert would like to try?”

I wonder if I push it far too much, but somehow our topic just wanders into sex and love and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. And it's an interesting topic after all.

“Everything!” He continues with the facade, only now that we've fully reached the field, he turns around and I see him staring at the sunflowers and I see how the sun plays with his Beatles hair. I wonder if he actually went with a picture of any of them and asked for it or if it was sufficient to just say what he wanted or maybe he just got that? But he did seem like a Beatles person.

“That's a very shy answer for someone to brag about, you know?” I mock him, as he turns around and stops to grin and look at me in the eye. He laughs at me, but doesn't shy away from the question.

“What, you want a full on sex description you could wank to later? I feel like a sex dealer now. Could be a pimp or a good erotica writer.” He says putting his hands in his swim shorts.

“You're really shying away from the question, Miles.” I keep mocking him, as we stand. And soon enough it'll get dark and we will be reminding that even the longest of days end. We stand awfully close, which makes me a bit uncomfortable, making it far too intimate, but I feel bad if I decide to take a step back. And it's awful because Miles seems to be like the sort of guy which stares at you in the eyes far too often, which is what he does now, so I just get to see the dark brown eyes look back at me and smirk, possibly realizing that I'm a bit unused to the closeness between us currently.

My heart beats a bit faster, from all the tension which shouldn't even have built up in the first place from standing far too close.

“I'm not.” Miles teases me, seeing that I get fidgety. Instead he just sees the opportunity to mock me even more, so he steps a bit closer and the only thing around us is sunflowers to the now left side and fields which end with woods on the other side of the lake. I don't dare to tell him anything, because he might just mock me that I'm gay or something. Miles the damn wanker just stares at me, holding a grin from biting his bottom lip and gets even closer, watching me.

I'm screwed.

He leans so close that I just gulp, feeling my whole body raise a tension alarm and I don't even want to think of my pants which make me feel uneasy and surely not ridiculously aroused.

Miles toys with me even more, hovering above me, by being a bit taller. For a brief second I see that his eyes ease, realizing how uncomfortable he had made me, but soon enough I can see that he went with a big 'nah' in his head and frankly the next step would be to hold my face in his hands, but instead he leans even closer, which makes me wonder how would it feel-

But instead he leans against my ear.

I know he's toying with me.

His voice is silky against my ear and I can only call him a wanker now.

“I'd love to try anal.” And I can't as both of us burst out laughing, as if we were middleschoolers again. Miles leans back from my ear and looks at my reaction, as I'm sure I'm all red and I don't even want to look down to see myself half soft. We laugh for a good while, not stepping back. I can't stop laughing and thinking how to one up him and I wonder if we even have any boundaries.

“Well...” And I pause, looking at him, but this is getting old, we've both gotten used to the distance and I just want to one up him really badly. I can't lean to his ear again. I look down at his lips. Miles notices my eyes slide there and shuts up.

“I can surely give you that.” And I kiss him. It's rather chaste and quick, but enough for me to feel him ease under my lips.

It's surely enough.

There's a big pause when it's over and we've both stepped away. Miles doesn't rub it off, instead I think he wants to one up it when he leans back and kisses me again, but once he opens his mouth, I realize that maybe he doesn't want to one up it. We both get too scared of touching tongues, but we do briefly. Then we break it.

“I'm sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too. Let's not-”

“Yeah.” I don't even know who spoke were, but we walk silently back and I get paranoid of the fact that Miles might not stay over, when he tells me he will go ahead when we reach the tall grass, to tell his grandparents and my heart does a somersault, but I ignore it, just giving a small smile as he stares at me confused and walks off.   

-

I had binged 1.5 k in the morning, because I frankly just woke up and had this sudden urge to write the story with absolutely nothing in my mind, so this was all a very happy accident. 

It's deep night now and I'm terribly tired after worrying all day whether this chapter will be liked or not, frankly because SOMETHING had happened. I tried to stretch it as much as I could and frankly, I know this is just the tip of the story and to be very honest I go to sleep with a different idea where to drag the story, I think about it a lot before I sleep, like where should I lead it to and so on. 

I'm so tired, that I'm trying to make sure that I say everything which had gone on in my mind, but I just thought a lot to make sure that I wasn't turning the kiss into a cliche of my own, with like using "he kissed me" as a phrase with it's own paragraph like I always do and because I write so much, there is a lot of anxiety to make sure that it's new and original. 

What made me think a lot, was the bluntness I've had with a bunch of girls in the past. Growing up and looking back, I had so many of my closest friends who had flirted with me or had full on come on with me who considered themselves to be attracted to men solely (well, they are, but it was back when they wouldn't know I was a trans guy either) and how it had just happened and all. I never took action besides like literally one time when I was kissed, but nothing happened, but that was like out of nearly 10 girls who tried it on with me. I guess I'm very very attracted to men xD but sexuality is so complex and growing up it's even more confusing and kind of encountering yourself in an enviroment where someone is flirting with you. And even I've done close things but I never actually meant anything. 

I always write such scenes with tension super slow, because my imagination is vivid as fuck and I have to literally yank myself back into reality and write it down and I always worry if I described it as vividly as I had seen it. 

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and as proud as I am :)

Thank you so much for your support

<3

Jamie