It keeps snowing.
It falls in rather big chunks, which I'm sure if you spread out evenly they will be constellations in the sky, which would also happen if one would look up and see the snow threading its fingers up to the clouds, which make sure to cover the slow day sky.
I don't say a word though, instead I just keep quiet, folding my arms on my chest, before realizing how much discomfort will the action cause. The whole desire to be thankful is long gone, because such is the human mind. Once I told him what was wrong with me, he just accepted it, grabbing the biggest scissors we had and told me to cut off the hair. He claimed that he would love me under all circumstances and that me being a man meant little change to him. Money was never an issue as I would never understand where it would come from and the scent of other perfume and cologne would still be on his skin sometimes. After a while, it vanished, as soon as I stopped loving. I didn't even dare to have anyone else on my skin, I would have nightmares of someone unwrapping me and seeing everything behind all the cloth which I'd wear even to bed.
The documents were changed, my parents were long dead, so there was no family to tell of mine that now they had a son. And even then I'd always gone by Hux, so changing the name was something he had done for me, me just waving my hand that I wouldn't care.
Some people say that love goes away with age and I really think it does. It hides at least, for sure that I can't find it, no matter how excessively I clean.
I don't know how people cope with two men walking down the streets, we never hold hands or anything, the only time we touch is in bed and I've already thought of everyone when he's inside me, even the younger guy he has which always comes around and I guess does the dirty work, whatever it would be. I always thought that it was drugs, but I'd never seen them or heard any drug talk. So the question remained, but since my love was gone I did the favour of never wondering what he did that brought in such money and a change of documents to the core and no one batting an eyelash of him living with a man so intimately or someone who seemed to be a woman not so long ago.
As I cut the hair, I told myself that I would always love him, that surely someone who wouldn't mind waking up in the arms of another man was worth loving. But there was something always off. It wasn't even the ridiculous age difference and I had lived up to my thirties in this trapped marriage with no children, because I always said that I would never get pregnant and things remained that way.
I told myself that it was all my fault, but the thing was I wasn't too young to run astray or any other person had caught my eye. I just felt lonely, he'd be gone for the day and I didn't want to interact much with the world, after all I had always feared that my voice or anything about me would give it away, no matter how tight I would pull the bandages around my chest and stick a sock in my pants. I would shave just to make the skin rougher along with the small hairs which were all that I was graced with. I enjoyed it, at least when the foam would cover everything and I could imagine that I had a beard. That seemed joyful enough.
Eventually the evenings would lead to being split up, I would just enjoy going somewhere for dinner alone, as he would find some meetings to attend, just before the day would end, in the beginning I cared whether the meetings were with a man or a woman, his bisexuality was something calming for me to the end of the day. Maybe that's why he accepted me so easily. But either way it was a way of joy for a good while.
I tried not to think too much, as I tried a new place, choosing a new location each day and shyly ordering a drink and sometimes some food just to listen to some music, which so many people considered underground, after all it wasn't praising the regime. On the opposite, it was brushing it with dishonour, but it was the energy which drove me to these places and they were always with a nice check, full of people were I could just blend in. Sometimes women would approach me, asking if I were interested in anything at all, but I would always make some lie that I was waiting for a friend, even if my partner would never show up because I asked so. In a very rare instance it would be a man, which I would look at it but we would sit in silence as he would listen and soon enough leave. And it wasn't like I had the courage to cheat. I knew that I had nothing else going for me.
I left with a haste kiss, both of us departing in nearly opposite directions. I wondered how would it feel if I were still in love. What even was such a long lasting love anyway?
I had no idea and nothing to confirm it either. Mine had faded away because we had read different books, listened to different music even if he would put on a facade of being interested, soon enough he stopped it, knowing that I would never leave and his love was the leash around our necks.
The restaurant was crowded as usual after a long walk through the clouds of snow, as any other place and music was blasting rather loudly, tons of girls in front of the stage, as some goofy song was playing, exposing the band with notably no drummer, which was odd because the drums were in front of everyone, close to the black singer. Soon enough, right after I had ordered some new drink which was the new house favourite as the menu discarded on the table said, a young man went through the crowd with rather longish black hair. Some people greeted him and the singer smiled, even if the drummer was clearly late. Now, I had a full view of him and he was rather striking with pale skin and there was just something magnetic as he joined the singer in the song. The whole room changed as he came in, the song becoming far more energetic with two voices and specifically his loud deep one, as he made sure to look at everyone in the room. He seemed to be known in this restaurant and could possibly be one of the reasons it were so crowded tonight. Soon enough they both went towards the crowd, asking them questions, causing the girls to blush and avoiding the men.
I quickly made eye contact with the man, as he nudged the singer briefly, nodding towards me, but they never approached me, keeping it to the female gender, which I presumed was part of the brief off-stage act. But I kept my eyes fixed on the male with the long hair, standing out against everyone else and I wondered how did he not get into further trouble by looking so flamboyant even if his clothes were plain, just like the rest of the bands. I sometimes missed the red locks I had cut off, but it would have just been confusing for everyone since I didn't have all the best masculine features and the lack of a beard and the body I had always bothered me. I tried my best to work out everyday, pondering how to make myself more masculine even if people had never tapped into my secret.
For a brief moment I wished that I was a girl again, just to get a question asked and giggle, but I hadn't giggled in years and I'm sure that I would've struggled with it as much as crying. It's as if the years had dried up my soul and I couldn't get even one tear out of my eyes.
The evening progressed with even goofier songs, which told stories near and far of how everything was around the land and some love stories here and there, about girls with bright eyes which left their husbands for the said singer and something would go wrong. Everyone listened, danced and those who knew would sing along. In the end I would just make sure, as I ate, that I would keep my eyes on the singer just like everyone else would. He was deeply charismatic. But I didn't know if he even looked twice at men, even if he briefly nudged the singer. They both were entangled in a bunch of talks with girls, so I assumed that they were interested in them, then. Well and there went my luck. I finished eating and pondered on desert, before eyeing the singer one last time and leaving, thinking that I could come back again indeed. I thought that it would be the end. It seemed like a fitting short story, that I had checked out some guy who clearly looked different that the rest and he nudged his partner in crime and that had been it.
I waited outside as my lighter had started giving up on me, for it to start working again. Halfway through the cigarette I saw the singer and the drummer appear for a smoke themselves. I had an instant burst of courage, looking around and walking towards them. I could offer them cigarettes, which was the least I could do after an interesting show. Not to mention the attraction I had felt, it was something I was thankful for. It made me feel a bit younger again and some desire that I could run away and leave.
“Would you like some cigarettes?” I asked, taking out a pack and motioning to both of them. The drummer smiled at me, before taking one each and handing it to the singer, who told him 'thanks, Kylo.'
That was also an unusual name and I wondered if it was a stage name, which I was clearly unaware of. Then I lit each of their cigarettes, watching them both and wishing I were attractive as either of them, even if it was surely the drummer who had stole my heart with his looks. I just had an average cut and the only thing striking about me was my golden red hair, which had caused people to turn and flirt back when I thought I was female.
“You were both great, the whole band was. I really enjoyed it.” I smiled at both of them, looking back at the restaurant gingerly and jealously to make sure that no one would disturb the brief conversation path I had gotten. I could hear the sea from here, even if the people are still loud behind the shut restaurant doors. I didn't know how else I could attract them and they were younger than I was, maybe by ten years. The drummer, Kylo, up close seemed even more frail and young. He kept his eyes fixed on me up to the point that I had to look down, as we all three took our first drag together.
“Thank you, that's very kind of you.” The singer said, grinning and revealing a rather big smile, which I was sure attracted many worthy people. But my eyes were on the drummer, not because the singer was bad, but because it so happened that the flip of a coin landed on another attraction and the drummer was looking at me.
“Thank you, we really tried.” Then Kylo took a brief pause, before asking me further. “What are your plans for tonight? I am nearly done with my performance. I can even buy you a drink, as you wait.”
I blinked. It felt rather straight forward and was this how men flirted with men? Was this how easily all was done? I never knew because I had been courted back when I was awfully young and thought of myself as someone else.
“No, no, I'll buy one myself. But I'll gladly buy you one as you're done.” Or whatever you have in mind, I was going to add, but the wind thankfully was taking away my courage, which I barely had. Kylo smiled back at me, nodding.
“We could go elsewhere, as well. I'm rather tired of the restaurant since that is where I work, well, partially, just a few times a week. It doesn't bring in too much money, but I'm happy with it and pleased that I get to meet so many different people.” He told me, as I saw that the singer was slowly backing off and pretended not to be listening to our conversation, but I could see how a smile could be reached in his eyes, after all anyone would be happy about their friend finding someone to spend some time with.
I wondered when had I dropped a code or was it my hair, was it my attire? What was it or was it a plain hunch that made him realize that I was also into men? But even then I was positive that he would surely take his time and dabble into whatever he was planning to do slowly, after all no one wanted to get arrested and whatever fate was there for any caught homosexual.
“I'm sure it's a great job.” I nodded. “We can go wherever you would like.”
I didn't really pay attention to how the singer took a step back and was now smoking on his own, looking around, as if the pitch black were day and he would be able to see the sea from here. I just focused on him for a brief while until he looked at me, as if saying that I should really be pursuing my interest and there was nothing to be afraid of, but that was surely all in my head.
In the end we all three finished our cigarettes and slowly went back inside into the heat, making the thought of not properly closing my fur coat a distant memory with all the heating. Kylo told me to wait another two-three songs, depending on the atmosphere and then we would be able to leave. I wondered what did he mean by the atmosphere, as the place was packed to the rim and girls were still ready to pounce on the attractive young man anytime. Maybe he realised that there was something off when it came to me with the sole reason that I was probably the only man so interested in him today, because all the boyfriends and husbands were enjoying each other's company or making sure that their female companions wouldn't be stomped to death.
The last four songs (I was deeply surprised that after the fourth the girls let him go so easily, probably under the condition that he would come back again on the next date) were just as comic as the previous ones with both him and the singer singing together, watching every motion the crowd would throw back at them. I waited until Kylo dressed up and sat next to me, as I had drank half of my tea, so I dunked it.
“You can take your time, we have nowhere urgent to be.” But as he said it, it were rather late as I decided that no matter the tea temperature I wanted to get out and find out the place which Kylo had decided to take me to. Curiosity had been killing me through out all the songs, as I nearly would impatiently tap my fingers against the table, hoping for the songs to end abruptly and that we would go somewhere and at the same time I couldn't help but continue watching him play the drums rather carelessly yet with rhythm which was much needed to the songs and smile at everyone from the singer to the other band members and everyone to the crowd.
Another story I had taken to AO3 before putting on the blog. I'm a whore for feedback and whatnot, so that's why I've been really warming up to it. Also it's a Kylux story so I figured it would be seen more there rather than just advertising on tumblr. But of course, the blog gets the royal treatment and is the house to the backstory.
I'm on a roll. I'm trying to post something every day, whether it's posting some chapter here or there or writing, I'm doing it :)
I ended up falling in love with Kylux, because I loved Kylo Ren a lot watching Star Wars and I was trying to get myself back into reading rather viciously and I realized that I could check out the pairing and I ended up reading and really enjoying myself, which I had recently only experienced with Gryles. I'm awfully picky when it comes to reading that I end up not reading anything rather than read something I don't like, so I figured to fight it.
Then I realized that I had no plot and I started thinking a lot, what could I come up with and it took me a few days to figure out the plot. I wanted something AU because I just loved a few AUs I had read of them and recently I've really been into writing AUs, so there I was.
I wanted something set in the past, so I started pondering on different areas which interested me, as I was talking to Callie about it. Then I started thinking about my several attempts of doing things set in the Soviet Union and I'd always drop them or get bored not even to have a full chapter, so I went brainstorming more, recalling Assa which is a Russian 80s movie which seems like Submarine took a lot of inspiration from or is a very happy coincidence, which I doubt. I quite loved the love line there, well, the love triangle and overrall the setting is really good, so I figured why not pay some tribute to it and have a lovely fanfic to it?
Also it gave way to have Finn as a lovely singer who is friends with Kylo.
I changed and made Hux live in the city instead. I'm just making the setting a city, but, sure, make it Yalta in your mind if it makes you happier. But I don't know Yalta that well to describe it and my memory is foggy since I've been there.
Making Hux trans was a decision because I saw the trans tuesdays and was in awe that it existed, since I've written trans fanfiction before and really enjoyed it, since it's one of the most truthful things I can write of course. I also struggled who to make trans for a bit, but then decided on Hux.
Unfortunately I have no idea how actually was it for a trans person then, I can only guess from the scraps I've read and I also guessed more. But it's not really set then and well, it's really fictional as well.
If you've seen Assa, I made a lot of changed, but I kept the core intact, so I'm hope whomever will be happy with it.
I just binged it and kept forcing it out of me, because I was just so invested in having a Kylux story so yeah
I really hope you enjoyed it and thank you so much for your dear support