Friday, 1 November 2013

To Miles

“You really decided on the milkshake then?” I take a sip of the milkshake, holding it in my mouth for a while before swallowing and I just nod, trying to make sure I hold this moment in my mind with all the whispers and light paranoia ever since Hitler came to power. I nod at Matt’s beer, to which he shrugs.

“I’d really choose the beer, you know, I mean, when’s the next time you’ll have alcohol properly?” And he takes a good sip of it. Matt’s more calm than I am, I couldn’t sleep last night, tossing and turning even if I’d received a letter saying that I was getting transfer.

You get told when you’re a child that life is hard when you cry about not getting enough candy, but they don’t tell you that just because you’re slightly off the book, you’ll always be a step away from being jailed. It’s really weird, knowing that you won’t know who will tell, who will find out. And you don’t know what is going on with you until you have your mouth on someone else’s who happens to be the same gender. 

I mess around with the straw, looking around and seeing either couples or friends. But the couples of course are opposite sex and I see Matt glancing at the woman near the bar and I just avoid her, knowing that I’ll get enough nagging. Maybe that’s why when you wonder what do you want to do and it’s just common knowledge that there is something else going on in the navy and being in a ship with a bunch of other men seems like a surreal fantasy and frankly it is. You have the women as well, but rarely, our lovely country has an issue with anyone who isn’t a white male. I happen to be a white male and from a presentable family as well, so eyebrows were raised lightly when I had announced that I was going to the navy.

But surely, Turner couldn’t be different, he was just like us... maybe a late bloomer.


Late bloomer sounds even more bizarre when I had known that something was different about me, when I didn’t see the appeal of coming back home to a woman who would just have a quickie and have children. 

I could barely manage my own head, how the hell would I manage someone else’s?

“When will you properly have a milkshake as well, Helders?” I smile at him and he smirks in reply. His eyes are wandering too much to the dark haired girl at the bar. I think she’s just replacing her brother, because well, women are supposed to be behind the scene, making everything for her man, but she seems to young, but nothing seems young anymore.

“When will you have anything besides water?” Matt corrects both of us and we sigh, or at least I’m trying to put on a curtain of despair upon Matt, just to tell myself that I’m not the only miserable one here. 

“What the hell is it, Al?” Matt asks and I just close my eyes, waiting for a man to pass and I make bubbles to kill time and get the attention I really don’t need. I don’t understand what’s wrong and why should I hold myself, act more strict, more persuasive and smoke cigars. I don’t even know how should I act. Matt acts however he wants and he’s fine, but then he’s straight. I’m not.

Coming out to your parents was like getting a slap to one self and to them as well, it was like saying that you’re waving your country behind and shifting to the rival’s ship. Sometimes people would say that homosexuality was the worst thing to walk this earth. I glance around again, it’s just the girl and Matt shoots her a smile and I groan. 

“...He got jailed. I’m not joking. He fucking got jailed.” I lean closer to him and continue whispering only even lower. “Paul got jailed with Daniel. They caught them, I didn’t know he was cheating on me, but more like... he got jailed. It could’ve been me, Matt. I swear to God.”

I stop and feel a shiver run through my body. Shit, I shouldn’t be talking in public, but Matt is busy charming the girl, but I know he’s still listening to me, one hand on the lady’s hips and one ear listening to me. 

“I was sure that they... and I got called in for this weird interview. They’re putting me on a destroyer. I mean...” I try to loosen up. “I don’t get pilots then.”

And Matt rolls his eyes at me, pushing me away lightly and I laugh. Maybe it’s because I’ve been next to the pilots too often, maybe I should’ve been a navy pilot myself, but I did too well on the assignment and I got told my math was too good to waste an frankly I don’t mind shooting some ships, I mean, it’s me in the end who does the final blow. Let’s not forget that I even shoot more than the navy pilots do. 

“Maybe they’re interviewing you for that new job, you’d be perfect for it.” He smirks and the dark haired girl approaches us and Matt asks for a refill, as I just do more bubbles watching both of them and wondering why something so simply as flirting can result you in jail. Well, it wasn’t subtle flirting in the case of Paul and his lover, Daniel, which I wasn’t aware of. But then I hadn’t dated Paul properly either. Frankly, you pretty much take whoever you know won’t tell and who is reliable for a quick fuck. We’d become pretty often each other’s choice, but he wasn’t someone I’d come back home for either. 

I can’t blame him for choosing Daniel, though, Daniel was better looking, but if I had known that he was in our little circle of outcasts an judged by God, I’d go for him as well. My first thoughts as I had found out were, damn, I could’ve fucked Daniel. Daniel was a pilot as well. Actually, both of them were pilots.

I seem to have a thing for pilots since lately all I’ve been getting is straight married blokes in the gunnery. I mean, I enjoy my job, but then I’d rather sometimes hang out with the pilots, it had all started when I had seen him and he was cocky and arrogant and-


I finish my milkshake and Matt is only happy to call the girl over again and I have no bubbles to fiddle with so instead I start looking around, happy that we are the only ones and once she leaves I really wonder again, what will happen and who decides to throw the dice and what number do they land on. 

It was oddly bizarre to hear about Jack’s death. 

There was something weird about the morning he had went off and we had breakfast together and I recall him drinking two cups of coffee at once and winking at me. I remember his hands, well, of course I damn remember his hands. I damn remember his face and how he’d joke and how he’d sleep one hand over his eyes and he’d always shift which I’d hear being on the lower bunk, putting my covers over my head, breathing heavily, knowing that he had been so close.

It had happened just once and it was close to his death as well and I was so sleepy that I barely recall it happening, I just recall his mouth biting my skin all over and how it had been with him following me to the bathroom. He had grabbed me and kissed me, sometimes I wonder if I’m too visible to the naked eye, but then I’d be fired and in jail as well, but I wasn’t.

His arms had been around me and he had put me up on the sink, leaning me against the mirror and I recall that the lights weren’t too dim from the new lightbulb and I could see his dark circles, there were always periods of worry, what if something will happen

and it happened

to Jack, who I had bothered to watch off on every mission and he would never turn around. I wish I had the guts to kiss him again after that one encounter and I wondered if it was my fault that I never went on to pursue him. Maybe that’s why I started looking closer to all the other pilots, desperate to fall in love further with a man who’d resemble him, who would talk endlessly of how good he was while flying, how he’d never had a bad landing, that all of them were perfect and how he was the damn finest pilot the navy would ever get.

And I still wonder if he was. Then I had seen Matt land once better than Jack had and I wondered what if Jack was just fucking in my mind. He didn’t last too long in my mind, because we didn’t get too attached, but he was surely the one in my mind whenever I felt lonely and I’d want to convince myself that I was somewhere close to touching love. 

She walks away and I sigh happily, relaxing and leaning back on the tall chairs we are sitting.

“What job?” I ask and I take a napkin, ripping it into stripes for no reason as Matt blinks, confused, maybe it’s something so obvious which had escaped my mind. I grow impatient as he tries to gesture for me to stretch my mind. “What is it, Helders?”

“You know, that job where you get assigned to see who is gay in the navy. Fun job, I’ve heard. You fuck a chap and then you tell on him and you even get paid. I heard about it, that they hire men who look... y’know, like gay.” Matt leans in, smirking and I see that he has a light stubble which I’ll never be able to grow anywhere else besides my chin and a small mustache, well, at least I don’t look bad shaved, not that I have another option. “And you get to fuck guys, like with no one going behind your back and you are paid to do so.”

I blink. Why the fuck would the government do that literally paying other men to fuck other men and most importantly tell.

“I’m guessing that’s the interview, since they didn’t tell you anything. Just make sure you act gay enough.” Matt smirks and I get the milkshake again, he smiles at the dark haired girl and I blow bubbles again to irritate off everyone, including myself. 

“Yeah, just like that, bubbles.” And I roll a ball from the stripped napkin and chuck it at Matt. I still wonder, I’ve heard about it, but I didn’t honestly think it was real, seemed like a joke, they don’t seem smart, but then neither is hiring me to fuck men. In that case everything is under the label that I’m doing this for our country. I drink my milkshake faster, wondering why do I suddenly want to leave and let my thoughts roam with me for a while. I don’t like seeing Matt off and I’ll be off as well, Matt tomorrow and me the day afterwards. Most likely I’ll just sleep the day away, not wanting to open one eye to remind myself that the mysterious interview will take place. 

“I thought they had discontinued it.” I interrupt both our thoughts as we both split the bill and I take out my wallet still with a cutout of Jack which has the other side facing. Thankfully I don’t get asked about it. He had made it to the newspaper after his death, so I had used it to give myself some sort of romantic aura. I felt lonely. You feel lonely in the navy even at night when it’s full to the point that you can’t breathe, everyone is snoring or you hear some fucker touch himself. 

“To the public. Perks of having the dad in the navy too.” I groan. My dad was an engineer and was far off from the navy, so I wouldn’t get some bizarre gossip or the right time to get a good ship. I still find it weird, because they had it back in the ‘20s and I really thought the hype was done after the scandal of gay men enjoying their job too much and then describing their experience to the committee. 

“Well, if it is that-” I get interrupted by my best mate.

“I’d be glad to fuck men, right Al?” Matt smirks and I just stand up, smirking, not wanting to leave and not see him for the next few months again. I just nod and we both leave the place, Matt throwing a kiss at the black haired girl.

“You do realize that she might be underage, making you a molester?” I tease him as I close the door, quickly glancing at the blushing girl. Well, that’s going to be a smashing diary entry or gossip among her pals. 

“You do realize you’re also a molester of beautiful men?” Matt smirks, I just shove him as he offers me a cigarette and we smoke back in silence, before we depart we hug tight and I turn around, knowing that Matt is watching me, same thoughts in his head that we don’t know when we’ll see each other and with all the rumors it gets bitter to say good bye.

Matt knew me too well and I had told him, begging him to never leave me, to always be my friend. It’s weird when I think of it, that I’m pretty close to Matt and we’ve been for years and even if I’ve had my thoughts, it had been because it’s someone else who knows that I’ve been gay all along, even without knowing it. 

I’ve had my fair share of thoughts and even on one Valentine’s day I had taken the cigarette from his mouth and kissed him, all of a sudden realizing how wrong it was and Matt just complimented me on being a good kisser. We had looked at each other after that, leaning slightly, before shrugging it off and I had lit my own cigarette, to which we concluded that I just had to get laid some time soon before I’d crawl up the walls. 


And I present you my baby. I've been thinking about this story for weeks and the thing is, it's just softly touching the plot of what is going to happen.

I've been nagging at my partner for years to write some WWII fiction, coz she's a massive WWII freak, bigger than I am and we've spent hours discussing WWII. I always wanted to try it, but I never had a specific plot which I'd want to go for and it was just a vague dream of mine to do so and typing this, my gf is happy and thrilled that basically I'm writing three of her favourite things together: WWII, Milex and LGBT in WWII. 

The idea came from, an amazing job which was done in the US in the 20s. There had been numerous complaints about homosexuality in the navy and the idea of sending someone to out the gays was their idea to deal with it. In the end too many gay men signed up and after listening to graphic details of how wonderful the sex had been to prove that said investigated sailor is gay, it had been dropped. To the public it lasted a year.

This is where I apologize for the historical inaccuracy. Initially I was going to do the 20s with that job alone, but I wanted something else going on and I decided, well, just coz for the public it was shut down, doesn't mean it wasn't shut down. 

My gf as anyone would, found this story entertaining and frankly funny. She'd tell anyone about it and I'd laugh every time, amused how such thing had even happened.

Then after laughter I had asked her, what if Alex and Miles were involved in this and Alex was trying to out Miles? 

Boom. Idea. But I'm writing the other two Milex stories and I already juggle with a bunch of others.

Then after much hesitation I've decided to do Nano and this was the story I was planning to do after I finish any of the other Milex, but Nano showed up and here is the story.

It will have a big what if this happened in the war, which will appear later and I will keep my mouth shut, unless I've told someone already >.> which will make everyone in shock.

Also I have to use a bunch of male musicians here and it's funny how many I've got even in minor roles. 

I really really hope you'll enjoy it as much as I did and yeah

Don't worry Miles will show up xD and even if I promised to try and keep their hands away from each other for a while, everything should happen

and yeah, I'll keep quiet for now. The title was chosen after I was hesitating and my gf asked "if you were Alex and you were writing this, how would you call it?" and the title was chosen. 

I hope you enjoyed it and thank you

Please tell me if you want the next chapter:3


To Miles 2

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