Thursday, 14 November 2013

To Miles 10

Let time hold us, still catching our breath and pulling each other into kisses, wondering what the fuck have we done, both emotionally and physically frankly in a place where anyone could’ve been with us to tell Hince. Even if I’m the prime betrayer. 

“Shit, I should’ve...” Miles looks scared now. Well, frankly we’ve tumbled into a point we both didn’t want to reach. “Made it more... romantic.”

“Yeah. During the beginning of war, gays being illegal and us.” Miles smirks, rolling his eyes and knocks on the floor. “And in the orlop. Honestly, Turner, I was just as romantic.”

We without noticing it are laying side by side, just our arms touching and staring at the ceiling. 

“I still... love you, y’know.” I smile, both genuinely and scared of my own emotionally predictable actions. 

“Would’ve been funny if you didn’t know.” Miles smirks, a bit sadly. I feel like we keep reversing positions, glancing to see who is ahead, so that the other can slack off. “I’m joking... just that... let’s say it’s not the best idea right now.”

Miles sighs and I pull him closer to me, stroking his hair.

“All will be ok.” I kiss him.

“Yeah, in and out of jail.” Miles sighs. I kiss his temple. 

“A lot of gay men managed, so can we.” I say, trying to sound positive in my words. I cup his face. “Look, I know it’s shit and maybe I’m not too good either and frankly, I just confessed and I am damn scared, but fuck, I don’t think everything will be-”

“I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much, Al.”

“Same. That makes it even better for me.” I smirk. “Look, we both know that many get away with it. Even if we won’t, I’m not dropping seeing you or frankly making myself avoidable. I’m sorry, I’m tired of this waltz.” 

We kiss again, but we’re both tense and we are getting closer to jail, closer to get discovered and I’m chucking everything away and I’m not telling him I’m the one sending everyone off. 

“Look, I love you. I even went after you.” Miles reassures me and I smirk and I tell him there’s no need, but he still goes on. “...I knew it was you at the bar then, I just wasn’t sure it was a good idea. Then I just sat there, regretting, look, I liked you. That’s why I tried to find out if we played for the same team, really.”

I look at how anxious he is and I love him, the word is out among us and it feels threatening to know that he can control me, but so can I and that’s not very comforting. I simply smile at him, feeling his own smile surface. It’s funny because I’m supposed to look like I play for the other team and I do. I feel bad for changing the subject but I don’t want him sitting here anxiously. 

“I can do your dress next, you know.” I smirk and I feel horrid but I keep glancing at the staircase and frankly it’s not too warm here either even if it’s just a day over summer. I sit up and I feel awful about it, as Miles starts feeling up whoever’s pants under his back for a cigarette box. 

“Oh. Um. I don’t think I’ll do it. I’ve never really done... drag.” Miles confesses and looks away, most likely juggling the fact that I look excited about sewing and the fact that he doesn’t want an extra work load on me. 

“Don’t we all have to do it?” I smirk and I feel the other pair of pants and get a box out of it, offering Miles. 

“I know. But I was thinking I’d be able to get a tambourine and I’ll just... shake it.” He smirks. “In the corner as you guys strip or something.” 

Miles takes the cigarette and now the search for the lighter continues, as we keep blindly pressing our hands against the fabric, trying to find the damned small thing and eventually we do, at the same time, Miles giving me the honor as I take it out and I lean deliberately too close to light his cigarette and once he inhales I take it out of his mouth to kiss him. 

“I love you. And no, I’ll be in drag, you can be in drag too.” I blow smoke in his face as he sighs, looking that he’ll have to do after all. And I guess we all have to, but I never found anything wrong with it, frankly, who cares what you are dressed in, I’m pretty much sure I’m a man and I like men, I’m even in love with one, I think I’ll keep this thought and feeling tucked in. “Look, it’s just a costume and just imagine that well, you’ll make everyone laugh. If you were looking for someone I’d say you’d even get a fuck. But then you’ll get one anyway.”

And he presses his head against my shoulder, kissing it and then just resting there, his arms wrapping around me and I feel his kisses on my neck and I shiver lightly.

“Miles, I need to sew the damn thing and yeah. I mean.” I swallow, feeling awful and wondering how beautiful he looks in my arms. 

“Yeah. I guess so.” He lifts himself up and we look at each other for a while, small grins before we kiss. In the end we wonder for a bit whose pants are where and it gets to the point that we’d even flip a coin, but Miles sees the stitching a bit off on his pockets, so that becomes the identification and we just dress up. It’s funny how we put each other’s hats on. I wonder if someday this will become the gay uniform or anything, but then it is already.

“Did you ever think how gay this uniform actually is?” I point at the hat. “We’re like school girls for middle aged men.”

“I think that’s why we all go to the navy.” Miles smirks and tilts my head, so that I have to fix it and he watches me amused. I make a fake pout.

“Stop looking at me like I’m a schoolgirl.” I mock him and we straighten both of our uniforms. I want him again, but even the orlop can be somewhere where we can be found, but right now we just look as if we had went down and for some peace and quiet and America is so damn blind that any homoerotism unless you take it up the ass is pretty much not noticed, you’ll sometimes see the queerest of men being doctors and they’ll be there all their life with fake wives and maybe even the guy’s husband will be a dyke and you’ll never know unless you’re gay yourself. 

We come back up, Miles with the box under his arm, we keep our silence, maybe everything locked for a while even from ourselves. I feel two emotions awkward as Miles undresses so I can measure him and it’s weird knowing that I’ve touched his skin and I try to hold myself as I brush my fingertips against his skin and eventually everyone comes in and sit on the top bunks, as I make my last measurements.

Then it’s Pete’s turn and I look at his tattoos, not saying anything, Miles racing in my head and I can still imagining him kissing my neck. Carlos eventually comes in, thrilled and bringing even more bed covers to destroy shamelessly. I don’t feel too comfortable with my eyes wandering off, checking out the bizarre mermaid and I feel like the one above the nipple is also pretty intimate to see, which is weird, because we do end up seeing each other naked regardless if we want it or not. It’s even got nothing to do with our orientation, it’s just a bunch of men on a ship

and all women are shooed off, unless you’re on a carrier and then you get some test pilots dropping in, but other than that it just feels like they are shooed away just to keep this like an inside of a strict male only gay bar. 

It’s funny how society is supposed to be divided in two. I’m supposed to be taken what’s for granted and it’s funny how everything which doesn’t fall into the classic white, middle class, heterosexual is then chucked and can be called a woman.

And we’re making a show out of it.

We’re all playing women and well, even if I’m gay, they are still part of society and I do care about Lana, I’m just not close to many people, but just because she doesn’t answer my sexual preferences doesn’t mean I’ll avoid her and want the worst for her. 

I start finally stitching the parts together, Carlos eager to get his done, so that he can help me and he wants it to be the most dashing and every second he tells me that he either wants it longer or shorter, so I keep re-pinning the hem, as he walks to the bathroom and back, as some other sailors had already whistled at him. Everyone besides me and Carlos engage themselves in a game of poker and I watch them in the corner of my eye. 

“D’you get a lot of sailors, Carlos?” Julian smirks, as he tells to everyone else that he’s out, to which Miles and Carl exchange glances and Miles gives up as well. Dengler smirks, as he motions for me to pin it up a bit more and he just glances down and he gives me a thumbs up. I thank the Lord for this brief moment of acceptance and motion him to take it off and he stands patiently as I keep sewing it, it doesn’t take too long, as I want to speed it up.

“Oh, yeah, I did, I am an attractive young man, after all.” Carlos smiles and I just kneel my head lower and I try to concentrate on the plain white fabric, wondering who the fuck is going to draw on it and what. I can’t really draw and I don’t think stick men will be too appealing and my trees are always crooked. My handwriting isn’t too pretty either, but it’s pretty much close to boring, even if math is supposed to give you a bright future I’d be a bit envious of those who were better with words. I wrote a short story once and a girl who had stolen another one for an assignment got the prize, so I had just chucked it aside, knowing that I knew how to count everything in a triangle and I’d be better than her at that.

“Well, you’re in a dress, so... young woman?” Julian smirks and Carlos just crosses his arms. Oh, great, we’ve offended him. I don’t bother and take a piece of fabric in my mouth, pulling the other edge to make a proper cut. I should really use the scissors, but all regrets can be rubbed out and I motion Carlos back as I start sewing the top of the dress.

“Well, just because I am in a dress, doesn’t mean that I am a woman. After all, all of our clothes are just a performance to show who we are. Like, in our uniforms we are sailors, but that doesn’t really stick us into any typical stereotype, does it? I mean, sure, a lot of sailors are homosexuals, everyone knows that, but I’m not gay and surely my outfit doesn’t say that. Same about gender, why if I wear a dress I have to be a woman? Sure, I love performing as one, it’s fun, but that in no case makes me less of a man.” 

“Oi, we’re not all gay... right, guys?” Is Julian’s response, Miles just smirks lightly and we catch each other’s gaze. In the end everyone agrees and declines being gay, which is what happens, but when you’re new you get thrown into this pot of anxiety just like Julian lightly is and he looks like he wishes for the next round to start and possibly he wishes he could have his cards on his hands to hide. 

But Carlos’ speech still digs in and I meet his eyes, not expecting something deep from someone who seems so shallow sometimes, but in the end I just finish stitching the hem, making the cut a bit lower and hoping that he’ll shave his chest for the proper effect but by the fact that he brought make up and was the whole initiator, it calms me down.

“But...” Julian speaks up. “I agree with you, on the whole... woman thing, I guess. I mean, I’m still me... just in drag.”

“There you go.” Carlos motions at Juju and smiles at him and I just tug Pete’s leg motioning him to be the next. I don’t really say anything other than sew and check each measurement, fix the hemline and listen to what according to Carlos would be sexy on Pete, which he decides would be a sidecut and I hold my smirking and proceed cutting the material, with scissors this time. Carlos speaks up after a while. “After all, all roles in theatre were initially done by men, all women as well. Well, we’ve had one actor for the entire thing as well, we’ve had everything. All we don’t have is acceptance. But that should come. I mean, even if people grumble, drag shows are still popular and they are nothing harmful after all.”

I leave Miles for the end, as Julian feels a bit out of place and I can see him wondering too much, but I don’t brush him anywhere to support him, keeping my hands to myself and Miles tingling in my thoughts. I wonder what would’ve been if we had met on shore and where would it have been.

Well, surely, I’d try to look better than just my uniform which he will pretty much see me in for the rest of all the time. Right. We both might be transferred elsewhere. Right. Shit. 

It feels bizarre coz I’ve had that with Matt, but then it’s different, we’d keep departing and frankly, I’d see him on shore anyway and he’d tell me who he had fucked and if I wasn’t sober enough I’d tell him who I had fucked on a boat and if he wasn’t sober enough he’d ask me to be more graphic and we’d laugh about it. 

I brush my fingers too much against Miles’ skin as I had finished his dress and the rest of the guys, as they kept playing poker, not daring to bet yet, keeping it loosen so that I don’t have to throw pins at them and Carlos ended up helping me in the end, as time was running out and we were nearing the time. Carl was going to play, so all we had to do was choose the songs, which the most popular choice had been Over the Rainbow, which Carl had started strumming as I was fixing Miles’ hem, glancing into his eyes too much and eager to make out with him, but I held myself and soon enough Carlos had to finish my own dress as I had to pull it on and resist from swearing as he kept hitting my skin with the pins, but I had distracted myself by glancing at Miles who was still playing on the top bunk.

Then everyone was left with their own creativity to draw whatever they had though appropriate on their dresses and think of small sketches, which Pete had thought the flag multiple times was the best choice, so he had went with that. I ended up with bizarre stripes and patterns, not even risking, while Carlos had managed to do some big yellow blobs which were supposed to be stars and he had been rambling that he should’ve brought something with him. In the end we had looked like a children’s sketchbook, but it sure looked comic, so I’ll give that.

I think the only thing which was good was the makeup which was matching to everyone else’s done by Carlos. He struggled to get lipstick on Miles’ lips, which was funny to watch, because I had previously seen Paul and he had told me how to hold my lips, but Miles was struggling and in the end I was the one holding his lips, trying not to wander off, as Carlos applied it. We got given too much glitter on our faces, that I felt like I was a Christmas tree and the glitter seemed to be stuck yet some would end up on my fingers and shoulders soon enough, as if it had multiplied and it’s offspring decided to spread. Bizarre light blue eyeshadow was given to us as well, blue, Carl had mocked had been given because we were all sailors. 

Pete and Carlos had headed out first, Julian trailing after Carlos, we had all decided to go barefoot, having a “nymph” look which had caused Juju to laugh and me and Miles quickly hold a laugh, giving some slack off to Carlos. 

Miles had noticed that I had been playing with my dress, just to stay behind, as he took off his hat and left it on his bunk and I had hugged him from behind. He relaxed in my touch, as I rubbed my nose against his neck, knowing that any smudged lipstick or lipstick traces wouldn’t be a good idea or giving Hince the wrong alarm, when I knew the dreaded thought who would be next, once I could get my hands off Miles. 


I'm sorry for not posting yesterday as I've been anxious as usual about my writing xD (which I always am xD) about the plot and yes, the drag show is in the next chapter :O 

I love them and yeah, I really love them together and yeah, I dunno what to add xD

Carlos' speech was planned quite a few days ago but originally it was supposed to be directed at Miles, but I had covered it in the beginning of the chapter, so I had chosen it to be aimed at Julian instead.

Ah, Juju or will it be Miles? Honestly, I just love throwing random questions to get people off the right trail or sometimes I spoil, so err yeah xD

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to ask for the next chapter and now, I'm off to bed and I promise I'll have a new chapter tomorrow and so on :O and this one was longer than usual as well:3


To Miles 11

No comments:

Post a Comment