Saturday, 16 November 2013

To Miles 11

The canteen was decorated, by decorated I really mean Carlos throwing old bed sheets all over the place and cutting them as snowflakes and ponies, saying that it looked queer enough. But before I could observe everything, when the lights were turned off to make us walk in, I had been yanked aside, pulled out of the canteen by our dear captain Hince, who gave me a thumbs up, who had whispered in my ear that I should get some faggots tonight and he is sorry and thankful.

Funny, he has no idea how much I’ll enjoy a shag.

And as I walk, I realize that I should really sleep with other men and I’ve pretty much been monogamous.

Thankfully I don’t fall too much behind, so I just increase my pace, as Julian starts singing first as Pete and Carl join hands to do some bizarre waltz while tumbling for the comic effect as me and Miles just watch. 

I can’t date Miles, well, I can never date publicly, but I can’t just solely be with him, I should still take other men

I glance at Julian and I just look away, trying to make out the faces, who would be interested in a shag tonight with a drag queen and who would I not know enough to forget I had sent off, killing of a stranger is easier, that’s why we all go into war so easily and we avoid civilians. 

It feels horrid but I start the awkward dance with Miles, trying to tell myself not to think what I’ll have to do, that I’ll have to keep my dress longer, avoid my crew and take which ever man will be unlucky enough to score five years in jail

and what if it will be Julian?

Julian stops singing and he stays silent before the men start clapping and it feels shocking, that I wouldn’t see Julian even if I hadn’t known him too long and I don’t even know how good he is of a shooter, since he is younger than I am, he’s the youngest of us all and with his stripes, I’m guessing his good

and which authority do I follow if Julian decides to sleep with me?

Do I follow war?

But then even in war, we homosexuals are unwanted.

We are always unwanted.

But then he wouldn’t get killed.

But then what if he’s the one who does the difference if we get attacked?

But then how can I know which man will change history and if anyone of us will even survive a horrid attack?

What if all of this is useless?

Miles squeezes my hand and I realize I had kept on twirling, nearly on my own, which had caused a few smirks and I had stopped. Julian had started singing again and I didn’t feel at ease from it at all. It’s weird that maybe to Miles or anyone on stage, being all of us in this small canteen at the same time meant that besides Hince (or maybe even Hince himself) there was someone who was catching the gays here. Catching the gays in the navy was as bizarre as catching the girls in primary school, still done, but just as bizarre. I wondered, looking at whoever I could see if they’d do the same thing as I’ve done.

We start singing Sweet Home Chicago, which Pete had wanted to sing, but Juju had said he was getting it wrong, so to avoid conflict and since Miles also wanted a shot, it had been decided that everyone should sing it, I myself didn’t want it, but I was dragged into it, so pretty much Julian tried to sing faster than everyone, Pete was taking too long and Miles kept glancing at me, apologizing and even mouthing at a pause with a grin afterwards.

Afterwards Carl had decided that he’s had enough of our dreadful unsynchronized singing and frankly, we weren’t prepared at all and we all looked ridiculous and Miles had managed to scrub off his lipstick, as if he had bitten someone’s head off and I had flinched while Carl was tuning the guitar. I tried gesturing to him and now his whole chin is red, so I figured, I’ll just do worse.

Carl started playing the can can and we all got hold of each other, Julian forgetting to raise his legs and I was thankful that we all had underwear on, that none of this was done on a drunk head and no one who didn’t want to would see someone else’s balls, but I guess what mattered was the laughing and the confused Julian who decided to back out, go up to Carl and start clapping in his own bizarre routine which the canteen has decided to follow, leaving confused Carl to drop the song.

Pete starts making a circle, yanking my arm and all four of us, start running in a circle and I really wonder how the fuck I’m I supposed to attract other men with this, but I guess out of spontaneous Pete and Miles who looks like he’s the son of Dracula, I guess I still manage to hold something. Or maybe I think of myself too high. 

After a few more songs and me trying to dodge my turn, I had managed to do so, not interested in singing and after ten minutes of Pete doing some weird improvisation where he had flirted with the audience, it was all over and I think I bowed too low, feeling the anxiety creep out on me, as the blood was rushing away from my head, but my ears were ringing.

I needed to give someone to Hince and the fact that I had to do it so soon was killing me. I straightened up and everyone who had been holding the silence had started talking and the lights were turned on fully, someone nagging at the cooks for not cooking and watching our performance so it would take a while for dinner, making it late, but I saw Hince motion with his hand, that it didn’t matter and I had met him, as he followed me. Miles approached me, patting my shoulder and I just tensed up, scared that the wrong things would be assumed so I apologized and shook his arm off, causing the Chief Petty Officer to be confused, but it wasn’t the time.

I had a few men approach me, tell me that the dress was lovely, while trying not to crack up laughing, but I faked a smirk, which caused them to laugh again and frankly I didn’t care and I couldn’t find Julian until I saw him go towards the cooks and even dissapear behind the kitchen door. Maybe he was going to help or sneak off something for himself. I honestly didn’t know, I just nearly prayed that he wouldn’t end up sucking someone else off and get caught, because I’m the one who is supposed to be wolf.

I don’t think taking off the dress is a good idea, so I have to choose where to go. But I still need some cigarettes, although I could borrow them from anyone and in the end it would strike a conversation. I wait for everyone who wants to talk to me, talk as I observe each and every one of them, too scared to decide who might be gay, my whole self tensing and at a point I press my fingers against my lips, letting them reach the colour of blood and the one who looks at me is the ship priest. I catch his green eyes looking at me. I try to look away, but eventually I see the priest leave. I approach Pete who has managed to get hold of a cigarette box and I get one for myself, trying to avoid Miles, but I still congratulate him.

I find my eyes glued to his lips, which twitch into a smile, noticing where my eyes are looking and instead I just inhale very deep, wishing that I could just kiss him, even for a brief time which wouldn’t cause any confused stares, judgement and accusations or even fear for being exposed, so instead I don’t and I turn around heading towards the crowd, knowing that he’s following me. We exit the canteen and pretty much everyone is left there. His lipstick is gone, he even managed to scrub off the one upon his chin.

I sigh.

“I...” I start speaking and he leans a bit closer to me, flirting with me, but it’s not too close for anyone to suspect anything and sometimes I wish that the rules “straight” men go by here that it’s not gay if it’s on a boat would apply to me and that I could pull of a kiss.

I don’t know what to tell him and neither can we be open with each other here and I don’t know what to say and I can see that Miles is struggling as well.

“...let’s meet later on, no?” I gulp and I pat his shoulder, heading up to the deck, hoping that there will be someone who I can close my eyes upon and shove out of the boat. Stepping out into the air, makes Miles’ sad nod stick in my eyes as I walk upon the deck, letting the wind mess with my disaster of a dress, but at least the stitching is good, I’m proud of myself. I head on to reach and lean against the rails, nearly trying to trip myself over into the sea and it’s even a bit cold and I hope training will begin tomorrow and I glance at the turret, which is behind me, wondering if I can just go inside there and sit for a while, maybe even forget that Hince is expecting me to catch out someone. 

Maybe I want him to follow me. 

I recall the priest and I wonder about him with his small smile and excited eyes.

Maybe not everyone in the navy is gay?

Maybe it’s just me and the rest of the gunners. 

I want to feel Miles’ fingers against the back of my neck or get a letter from Matt, I wish I could tell him properly that I had gotten the job, that I was getting laid, but it wasn’t doing me much good, I’m sure Matt, had he been gay, would’ve enjoyed it, he never really stuck to much women, maybe that’s what had convinced me that maybe he was gay as well.

I keep inhaling too often, trying to brush off my thoughts, but when you open a box all the past lovers come sliding out, just like Paul who I had pinned down, after I had wanted more and we had actually fucked on my bunk, which looking back now I honestly wonder how the fuck had we had not been caught

or Jack, whose photo still haunts my wallet and sometimes I just take it out to see his proud face. All the pilots had been from the same carrier and we had all bonded, some stronger, some weaker. Lana kept her distance from a few, besides me, as I had randomly asked her to who she was writing and she had just said some girl who was her friend and I just knew. She had then told me about Alison, maybe she had caught me and Paul somewhere, we weren’t too cautious and it had been much before than he had been sent off, of course.

There were rumors that the captain had been gay himself, but even if people didn’t try, it would still be covered, not to be seen to the naked eye. 

I recall how scared I had been when Paul and Daniel were sent off, Lana had been onshore then, shooed off not to distract men and Matt just silently opened my coffin locker, as I had just sat on the floor, crying, shocked and he had thrown my brown wallet at me, reminding me that even if I had been with Paul, I still had another man in my mind. I had told him to shut the fuck up and he had just sat next to me and I kept crying as he held me, stroking my back and I don’t think anyone would’ve thought of something else, everyone was sad to see Paul leave, same for Daniel, that also meant lack of drag entertainment. 

Everything had been quiet and my own time to transfer was going out, same for Matt’s. 

I had spent the first days by myself, waiting for Matt, scared to peak on board and I had visited where Jack had been buried or rather the empty grave. It wasn’t too hard to find out and after all, you still visit your friends and I had sat there, wondering what I’m I doing

and it’s not like his ghost would appear and I would know what the fuck had he felt. It’s not like anyone would tell me what they feel, but I still wished I’d seen him one last time even if it would break my already shattered heart. 

But I know who feels something about me and I’m avoiding him.

I throw out the cigarette onto the sea, wishing I could swim, but not at this time and I should catch someone before dinner, I should make Hince lay off me, somehow, but I can’t and no matter how hard I try, I’ve still got to shove off more and more men

because frankly I think all of us here have at least sucked off someone else, so until everyone is gone, there’s no point in Hince giving up or myself in this case, since I’m a pawn covered in chalk. 

I wonder if I should head to the chapel and confess something, just to lure the priest out and I wonder how scandalous that would be and if there is a point in anything which I’m doing besides saving my own skin, I don’t even want to touch anyone else. But then I can’t lift my hand up on Julian and so far, I’ve seen the priest even with all his robes and prayers in his head. 

The decision is swiftly made and I head back down, hoping not to bump into Miles, muttering that under my breath until I find the chapel and I run my hand through my hair, wondering why didn’t anyone buy wigs on shore, which would’ve been much better for our performance, but it’s done and I’ll have to sew again for the next time, of course unless the US stops being blind and we’ll actually do something to help Europe from the nazis, but by the looks of it, all we can do is pray and the fact that there ain’t no God, shows how useful that is. 


I really hope the drag show was fun and finally a character which I've been holding up appeared. Um, I think it's obvious even if his name wasn't mentioned :O 

And yes, I ship Lana and Alison, it's my er… crack ship? Anyway, yay XD I just realized a while ago I didn't mention her name, anyway, I'll remain quiet on the matter.

Now, why was he chosen to be a priest? Well, I was thinking if he could be a loader, but in the end, a priest seemed funnier to me xD so yeah:3 

I hope you enjoyed it and feel free to request the next chapter :O

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