To Miles 15

“Mine was a different one, I guess.” Miles exhales and we kiss again and he pulls me back and I shift to be by his side, giving us the thin excuse that we’re just talking and I actually wonder what the time is because it feels too far into the night, but I’m nearly sure that whoever was here left and I still check to make sure I’m right and not wrong. 

“His name was Ian and he was dad’s friend. I mean he was very good looking and later on I’d find out and it’s funny how even as a child, you know who is gay and who isn’t and well, people would say no, Ian had a wife. Well, maybe I should start from the beginning.

I never really felt different, I knew that I wanted to go to the sea pretty much, sure with age you stop staring at the sea but once you’re off it you want to be chucked in here and be among a bunch of men, not that I don’t like women, but here even the excuse ‘coz it’s on a boat, it’s not gay’ is very appealing and frankly, calms you down somehow and you get men. I’m guessing that’s what tempted Hince, but still amuses me how he chose me and not Julian to be honest. Maybe I’m bias, I mean Julian is more good looking than I am.” Miles smirks and I just hold myself from interrupting him and that is the only mere reason I don’t do anything and I just smile back at him in the darkness, pretty much touch and words being our only bonds of connection right now as I can’t see how his eyes look, how his lips move and even if I can touch, I can’t really see. 

“Anyway, it’s weird, coz he was my dad’s friend but he always seemed to be sad and I had wondered what had actually went on between them, but I never asked about them, I had asked about Ian many years later. He would play with me and pretty much he’d sometimes read out his poem to dad and he even wrote me a few poems for my birthdays in cards, I think I’ve even got one with me, they are silly and childish, but like you’re supposed to look at women and your eyes should rest there, but nothing had happened with me.

Then when I asked dad many years later, when I was maybe twelve and I just didn’t see to like anyone, Ian had commited suicide.” He holds a pause and I hear him shift, before return to the initial position and then shift to be facing me instead of the darkness of the top bunk covering us, I wonder how does the sky look now, but tucked in with Miles is more than enough to be as good as the sky and I take his hand in mine, easy to brush off and I feel bad.

“Dad told me that he was miserable, that he wanted to be a gunner, but he had been kicked out of the academy, that he had been yanked in the middle of the class and discharged for being gay. I guess it still surprises me that dad told me that, he told me that Ian liked men and that I shouldn’t listen to mom and because he chose to cover himself with a lie it drove him insane. Then I started questioning myself, what about myself, who do I like.

I got anxious at first and even when I was studying there had been a discharge in another class, it happened. It always happens, there’s a lot of homosexuals and yet we are avoided like the fucking plague. 

But then I kept thinking, yeah, I can get discharged but I didn’t want to end up sulking after someone else who is taken, get a wife and just continue walking a path which isn’t even yours. Sure, I’m convinced that people raise a few eyebrows with me working in the navy, but I’ve never been caught and if I will, well. Happens. That just ain’t a reason to be scared, but hey, I’m saying this now, but I was scared yesterday...” Miles swallows. “Sure, I’ve thrown the love word around, but you know...”

I can feel him look at me.

“You still have doubts, when your dream is too big and you are scared to death and I was. I don’t want to lose you, one thing is me in jail and then having the fun of finding a job and then circulating trying to understand who won’t tell a kiss even in a gay bar, we get raids sometimes, but the thing is

I think if God exists he would’ve made Ian straight, which he didn’t. I don’t think the church is closed for us, I think... God is open to everyone.” I keep quiet and I just hear his breathing. 

“I... don’t think so. I’m sorry, I don’t-” I start speaking but I am interrupted nearly as soon as I start by Miles. 

“No, I know, the church is behind all of this, but it’s the church it’s not really our own religion going after us or belief. But no, I’m not religious, I just think... that’s it’s far more complicated than just white and black, you know. Sorry, that I raised it.” He keeps swallowing nervously and I just hold myself still, looking at the ceiling.

“Once the church said I was a sin, I stopped going and so did Matt.” I see him tense up and I wonder what kind of reaction I’m I trying to get and frankly with Ezra being gay it just fucked me up even more with the church, but saying that I had jerked off a priest previously isn’t really the best romantic conversation topic. “But yeah.”

I guess he feels the need to change the topic and we both feel tense, religion is always a topic when you’re gay, because we’ve all asked ourselves if we are actually wrong and me and Matt decided that even if I were, I was still great and that comforted me, coz that was coming from a boy I had loved.

“...About Ian. I decided to be a gunner maybe because it stuck in my head, coz he was the first gay man I knew, that what if that was the gay profession, I mean we’ve all chosen the navy one way or another knowing that this would be a male only festival for months.” I still feel him tense as I turn to face him as well, it’s a small gesture and it just adds more tension and at the same time eases Miles.

“My mom told me that even if Ian committed suicide that is no way that the church would have it’s door closed on him and we had left it at that and I was thankful, but...” I think I’ve tensed up too much, because I know what would the outcome of me coming out be and I don’t want to think of it, so I just bite my lip angrily, even if it feels like a comfort blanket that Miles’ parents are less strict. “...they still want a girl for me. Dad said it’s no use if I don’t love her back, so he just tells me to keep searching, I’ve asked a lot about Ian over the years, but because I’ve never said anything, parent’s eyelids are pretty much firm shut until you open them with a butter knife. I haven’t done that and I don’t think I will. I guess we still stay sort of close to parents, because they are supposed to love us unconditionally and until we are taken away from it, we believe it as well.” 

“Have you ever been in love with a girl, though?” I ask him curiously and I move in closer so that our bodies are touching and so are our noses and it is pretty torturous to keep my lips off his. 

“Not really, I mean looking back, I don’t think I ever have, I didn’t understand why people would do so, all I would do was pretty much play with ships and wonder how could I burn the school down.” Miles chuckled and I wondered if he has ever even attempted it, I could see him taking a box of matches and knowing him, he would be too scared, while if the thought had come to me or Matt, we would sit to make sure that everyone was out and we’d do it and I wonder what a bizarre feeling it would be and I’d be amazed now recalling that I had only locked lips with him once in my life. I feel like I myself am flirting with the thoughts of Matt and I’ve got Miles’ breath on my lips which is intoxicating and realxing at the same time as I put my arm around his waist as I pull him even closer and we kiss for a while and once our tongues touch we both lean back, stung, that we should hold ourselves even if we are already on thin ice in one bed. “What about you?”

“I don’t think so, either. It’s funny how it sounds normal when you’re gay, like you tell that to some other guy and both of you are like, yeah, me too and then you congratulate each other.” I smirk and Miles’s fingers are stroking my neck as I hold myself from pouncing on him, Ezra coming back to my thoughts but he seems far until I acknowledge his existence in them and I wonder if Miles had gone to the chapel to pray and how he had felt about Ezra and if he had even known that Father Ezra was gay or to some extent, but then in Miles’ eyes we weren’t seen as a sin (not that we were a sin), but more like he was-

He said the church doesn’t determine who God loves though.

So I’m guessing Ezra wasn’t a big deal to him as it was to me. 

"I guess I should tell about my other lovers…" Miles paused and kissed me again, stirring the fire again and the desire to just go on top of him and let myself wander off with him elsewhere, something which seemed to be highly judged, and I could feel his grin against my lips. "But you standout, Al. I can talk about you if you want."

I gave him a light shove, smirking and pulling him back as close to me as possible and I pressed my head against his shoulder, stroking his arms, holding myself from lifting up his shirt, happy yet still annoyed at the thin layer between us, as I wanted to kiss his bare skin, but I still pressed a kiss against the fabric, holding it. 

"C’mon who else did you fuck behind my back while I was running after a straight guy." I smirk at Miles and I lift my head back up, wishing the lights were on, as I never understood people’s desire to stay in the dark, even sometimes I would get uncomfortable when I first slept in a ship with barely any light and when I had gone on shore, my only thought was to sleep with the light on, but the bizarre idea had died off as I woke up, realizing that I had decided to turn off the light anyway in a light sleep haze. 

"We don’t know that." Miles notes and I roll my eyes, even knowing that he most likely cannot see it, but I still do, feeling a bit uncomfortable that this whole conversation is about Matt, who I don’t think gives as much thought as I do, even if he does, he still prefers women and does it explicitly and he always had crushes on girls, which I simply wouldn’t understand, girlfriends neither me or him could properly hold a conversation with, yet he tried and he seemed to enjoy his horrible attempts, while I didn’t, I’d either try to steal Matt off for myself or I’d drag him away or try to count the days, when they would break up or I would hope that they would, but usually they took longer than I hoped they would. 

"I could ask him and break his face." Miles stirs me out of my thoughts and I can only smirk back. 

"He’s straight."

"Just in case so he can’t blow you."

“He can jerk me off, though.” 

“A bit less intimate, although, point. I’ll have to break his hand as well.” It sounds more funny, because even if we are in the artillery, Miles doesn’t look too violent and if you want you can always make it less personal, we’re not really in the front line where we just go person against person, even being a pilot seems a bit intimidating. But then this discussion can pretty much go on, who would be the most violent and surely it will end up being people against people rather than job against job. 

“What if he fucks me?” I smirk at him even more, amused by this whole bizarre conversation and wondering about who the other past lovers were. 

“Well, I’d have to break his penis. Or can I?” He thinks for a soft while. “Anyway, I’d pretty much break him anyway, just for never touching you to love you sad about it.”

Now Miles smirks at my scowl. 

“And also the fact that he’d stay away from you, I’m not trying to sound creepy or anything, just... jealous really coz I never knew you when you were six or anything. Frankly, I still barely know you.” He says with a light curiosity in his voice. “Well, ok, I guess I’ll talk about Jay then. Jay was my first boyfriend and it’s ironic that I had attracted him by talking about how I didn’t get why boys were dating girls and then he’d leave me for a girl, but that’s not the point. I guess I’m just trying to make you jealous, just like you had, only once you get dumped you mourn a bit and then you discard all the love you ever had and eventually you even stop labeling it love, because if it was love, it should’ve been two sided for one and it wouldn’t go away and frankly heartbreaks go away, so there.”

I still feel the bitterness in his voice and a faded anger. Miles takes a deep breath.

“I think it’s funny how... well, unacceptance is like being a child, you think everything you don’t like it’s wrong and I guess with Jay, I pretty much realized that’s who I am, I’m not attracted to girls and I don’t see the appeal, while he was different, nearly on the scale that we’d both ask my dad about war and I still wonder how my parents were ok with us pretty much fucking, but then they were always out.” Miles says pulling out a string of memories. “But yeah, some choose to hide under themselves in some bizarre way, well, I can’t blame him, I guess. It’s his choice and I’m sure his miserable.”

A bitter laugh. 

“I guess it pretty much just happened, there was not much guilt, I just knew I was attracted to him and that was pretty much it. It carried on a few bizarre years with us never making it official, some mutual silence that we’d stay quiet and every hint that each other’s parents would be out meant that the other would surely be there, even if any of us had caught a flu, because it was always hard to catch a moment and once he had even went to mine’s pretty late and we both came up with some excuse about some report we had both forgot that needed to be done fast. In the end we had just fucked and I had slipped away, wondering if I should do something because at that time it had been three years and soon enough I’d have to go away and Jay wasn’t interested in being in the navy, so the conversation had been avoided by both of us.

I had wondered what should I do as I was walking back, I was attracted to Jay and I knew that I wanted to be in the navy, it wasn’t that I wanted to just sleep around, Ian was still in my thoughts and my parents approved of the idea, obviously dad being in the navy as well, he’s a navigator. So yeah, wasn’t too much of a deal, really. Jay wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, he just wanted to later on go into College, but surely nothing army-wise, but the thing was that I was pretty attached, he was my first boyfriend after all, even if we had never called each other that. 

I don’t think we even properly confessed to each other, but sure, we’d scribble Valentine’s day cards, when we broke up he did give me a stack of things he’d written about me, it was pretty bizarre reading about someone slowly falling out of love with you, I guess he just wanted it off, it’s really weird how his choice of cards would slowly change as well, first it had been plain ones, I guess he had been to shy then it was something more love-esque and he’d scribble out all the ‘s’s in she if there had been any and he’d tell me that I was the one who had seemed to claim him, which was weird because there had been plenty times when the words wouldn’t reach any of our mouths, which is odd, I guess, looking back at that mindset when like know, sometimes you just... fuck, really but then it held a different meaning, I did it with Jay because I had liked him, I guess loved him to some extent.

So the cards the later I got started depressing me, he’d tell me how he’d wonder too much, where would we head off and he was even uncomfortable with me going to the navy, then poems of doubt were the areas of attention which had been given to me. But the last one was actually a plain card and it had a long poem, telling that he had indeed loved me and that was it, but it felt bizarre, it felt like he had to take out the canned feelings for years and then he just chucked him out.

I think he’s married now with children, well, surely he is. He chose some daft girl and that was it. Last year my mom asked me why aren’t I friends with Jay and I just said he doesn’t agree with many things and neither do I.

It’s kind of sad sometimes that you just depart and I guess I’m happy, envious and jealous that you’re still with Matt. Maybe it’s a good thing you guys never stirred up a relationship which would break off.” I feel him shrug and I pull him into a hug, feeling him ease and stroke my back. 

“It’s weird... like when we were close to breaking up, I started doubting myself, it was odd, it’s as if I was flirting deliberately with others to prove myself, that because he was heading off doesn’t mean that I’m not loved or attractive to anyone else, because me and Jay had been for so long and even he didn’t stay. I really don’t know what I was trying to achieve, I guess I was pretty heartbroken because he had started to bring the girl between us, to make himself more normal and frankly, I don’t think anyone knows or cares that he’s with a woman, just like people forgave Ian, but that surely doesn’t mean that he forgave himself.” 

We keep our silence and I just hug him stronger, feeling bizarre and I wonder if I am thankful that me and Matt never really had anything between us to depart and forget. It would really be bizarre as I had known him for so long and so had he, we had both seen each other grow up, sometimes we’d even have Christmas together, our parents were even friends because we were always at each other’s houses. But no one had ever suspected anything, we’d even sleep in the same bed and sometimes I’d make sure to keep awake and I’d watch him sleep, letting my eyes drift off to every single feature he had, feeling guilty and victorious, which was an odd feeling.

I couldn’t bring myself to kiss him, I felt that I was violating him enough already, but it had been too tempting, but I couldn’t, I’d just watch him, even lying to myself that surely he had peeked as well, maybe that’s why we sleep so close, maybe that’s why we still have the veil of innocence, I honestly didn’t know.

It’s weird comparing these two relations, because neither Miles or Matt had crumbled in front of my eyes enough to shatter myself and forget and I could never see Matt hurting me, he had loved me as a friend and I meant a lot to him, we both knew that, it’s been years, when you’re together for so long, you forgive, forget and love and move on if you have to let go of some aspect you should close your eyes on, but you never depart. 

But shit, I have indeed dreamt so much that one day I’d break, sometimes I’d imagined that we’d be fishing, rather Matt doing it and I’d watch him, reading something aloud for both of us to recite tomorrow and try to make some fake attempt at learning. Shit, I had gotten so bad I wished that our boat would tilt over and I would have to give him a mouth to mouth, but of course that had never happened, instead I’d just keep reading and Matt would randomly interpretate it as someone being an asshole to everyone else and he’d tell me his version of his story.

Sometimes I wondered too much how come he had never noticed me so deeply immersed in this blissful feeling I had wanted to share with him, but sometimes I had wanted to keep it to myself, keep my dreams of kissing him and tracing his jawline with my fingertips to myself, in case he’d say no, I was scared and maybe that’s what kept me going all these years

and that kiss had fueled my dreams, the height of my life even to some extent, but it had died off, maybe because I had achieved everything and then I had decided to move on and there was Paul, who had seemed to be too friendly with me and who had dragged me out to a gay bar and had watched me closely as I had ordered beer for the first time, too shy to get a cocktail which was bizarre with so many men in drag that night and I had kept looking past the bartender, focusing my gaze on all the nearly empty bottles with the night finishing.

And Paul had then kissed me, putting all his cards on the table and I had sex with a man for the first time, feeling excited, it had been in some room Paul had yanked me to which belonged to some other gay friend of his, as the bathrooms there were too gross and I guess he didn’t want our first time to be on the boat as well, no anxiety and we had taken it slow, which had been something different I had always imagined with Matt, but we went on with it and frankly it was great and I couldn’t catch my breath for a very long time as Paul kept laughing, watching me while chain smoking, himself still a bit short on breath.

And I had loved him too. 

-

The idea for shamelessly taking Ian was out of me talking to my partner and then I misheard what she said when I was wondering out loud who would be Miles' first crush and I heard Ian and the idea was pretty much done. 

I hadn't intended to do Miles a bit religious, but yeah, that as intended (I'm sleepy and I want this monster of 4k up @__@) I really wanted to include Jay in and then I shifted to Matt again, I ship him with Al T__T and then Paul happened xD

And I've been writing snippets on my mobile whenever I'm to lazy to reach out for the laptop or I can't, usually the puns are created there xD

I was struggling who would be Miles' boyfriend as I've used pretty much everyone who I usually use and maybe it's me and my opinion will change but I'm pretty neutral to Jay, but he seemed fitting, so… hey Jay and welcome to my cauldron of useable characters O_o

I really love Matt and gahgdjhdsgvjsdgjvgdsjhv

anyway, I hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to request and etc :3

<3

To Miles 16