Tuesday, 19 November 2013

To Miles 13

It gets me anxious.

It drives me to the edge, as I hope Hince is back and everyone seems scattered and I look like I’ve been buried as I head back to the tower and I go towards Hince’s room. He’s not in, as I keep knocking and I even pull the door handle towards me, I start breathing heavier, even if Ezra wasn’t in my liking, I wonder if I would be ok with him as a priest, it is shocking and somewhat expected that a man who is protected to never touch a woman, is gay, but it still strikes me and I can still feel his taste in my mouth and warmth in my hand. I keep tugging on my bottom lip, waiting for Hince, pressing my forehead heavier against the door and I feel flushed and embarassed. 

But I’m still doing my job.

I am doing my job.

I want to sleep, but I want this over with. Something has too much rhythm in my head and I wish I’d just have Miles. 

“You do know that in Portugal they have this bizarre tradition, where the bridesmaids dress up as the bride to chase away the evil spirits?” The voice comes with the hand that goes onto my shoulder and I look up, as I had given up a few minutes ago and just sat here, thankful that people would avoid the tower and most likely someone had stashed some alcohol and most likely now it was being passed around and I wondered if it would reach to spin the bottle, surely some bets would be made and some drunk dares, but would people have the guts to play a game which resulted in homosexual acitivity?

I glance up at Hince, who has his hat on and I just stand up and he helps me up. I wonder how he had looked back when he was young and if he still had those circles around his eyes and how much had his wrinkles changed him and if he was skinny before and what had he been doing

it’s funny.

We head inside and Hince takes a box of cigarettes, stretches out to me and I just stand still, to which he shrugs and lights one for himself, letting the joy of the first drag keep our silence.

“Who is it, m’boy?” He asks me and I look at his table, hoping I’d see the bible, instead I see Fathers and Sons, which seems a nice choice all of a sudden and I’m happy to see it, so instead I leave my eyes rest there as the Captain follows my eyes then goes back to me to catch the faggot. 

The word stings me and I just try to keep looking at the cover. 

“It’s a good book.” Unlike Tolstoy, I want to add, but I add and I catch his dark green eyes. I try to scrub off the remains of my lipstick which isn’t too much and adds some bizarre masculinity in Hince’s eyes. 

“Oh, yeah, it is. I don’t like the love line though. It’s too sappy, but Bazarov sure is interesting, I hope-”

“He dies. He confesses and dies from his own recklessness.” I spoil a bit too harshly and the captain is a bit stung, bites his lip, holds himself and just breathes out the smoke in a haste to inhale again. Hince falls down on his chair and starts looking at the box of cigarettes, before opening the book to the end and for a short while he scans it through, before closing it. 

“Well, then he’s a moron.”

I don’t really say anything to him, instead I just shrug, feeling a bit chilly from the plain fabric as I couldn’t wear a shirt underneath or anything underneath and frankly I’ve got a big cut, which isn’t usual or handy as well and I’m in a skirt, meaning that I’ve pretty much got my legs exposed. 

I could say that I don’t agree and back when I thought I could find myself a girl, I had read it and frankly, the tension described there would be the best I’ve ever read, so it was even a bit insulting, but I don’t say anything and I can see that Hince wants this over with, but he gives me time to look at the curtains, how they are tied to see the night and the moon and I can’t see him looking at it, unless he’s pissed drunk and regretting his life, maybe even breaking the window. Eventually he opens a drawer and takes out the nail file, showing that he’s got enough things to keep him occupied and I wish I never touched his novels. 

"Son, I was thinking…" Hince says as he files his nails and looks at them, musing aloud. I see he wants a distraction to us both and I’m sure I am pretty pale at this point and shaking, it’s not even about Ezra, but about sending someone else. I thought I was cruel, but it’s getting to the point that I find it personal and I wonder how the fuck I’m I a gunner and how the fuck will I even shoot ships or maybe it’s because I know that Juju will be next and Miles could be among them all as well and my head. "Ok, well, nah, you could still be my son."
I try not to shrug.
"Basically I was thinking let’s cut off your job and mine. What if we try to catch all the homosexuals in two weeks? I don’t think there’s that many and frankly I’m sure you yourself don’t want a nasty queers hand down your pants." He smirks.
"Of course, Sir." I reply fast before thinking and I feel like about to faint and I even feel my feet wobble a bit, but I still stand still, things you learn and then Hince notices how pale I am and stands up, offering me his chair and I collapse onto it, closing my eyes and I feel his fingers on my forehead.

Shit, not you too. And I hope too much and then I feel water thrown right on my face and when I open my eyes, my body shivering I see Hince with a glass in his hands.

“Father Ezra.” I say and Hince curses outloud and I just close my eyes and I feel like crying.

“See, that’s why I want this over with, we feel bad for them, but they’re not like you and me, they are cheaters, they sneak into everything, even close to God, but we’ll-”

disguise ourselves like the bridesmaid, for the spirits to take us instead. 

It’s a weird metaphor and I don’t know why Hince had said it, but I just nod at him.

“I’ll try.” My voice is too low and the captain pats my cheek, also trying to bring me back to life.

“Go rest up, soon, you did well. Don’t worry God is always on your side, God chose you and God gave you those looks for a reason and I’m sure your girl is mad all over you.” He smiles at me and I try to smile back, but I don’t, instead I get yanked up and shoved out of the door. I press myself against the wall, wondering how the fuck

how the fuck

and I just keep walking downstairs, thankful that I hadn’t cried, I just look pale and I wave off Pete who invites me to celebrate and I quickly catch Miles’ who is heading to the canteen and I want to be in his arms, but instead I just briefly catch his warm eyes and head forwards towards the bunk room.

I strip from the bizarre fabric, wondering if the paint would still smudge me, but I don’t care. I go back to switch off the lights, knowing that my work for today is done and tomorrow all I’ve done will be gone and I really hope so, I wish I could just discharge without caring too much. I get into my bunk, by feeling my way and then I recall the dropped fabric and I just pick it up to throw on my feet, too lazy to open the coffin locker. 

Sleep just haunts me, not pouncing on me yet and I end up staring at pure darkness, sometimes hearing some faint voices and I wish for Miles to come see me, but he doesn’t for now, so I just start counting sheep, until I get bored and I wonder what else can I count, but counting men might get me too aroused and I had already jerked someone off today even if I also had sex earlier on.

I had sex with Miles and that thought lets itself creep into a smug smile and I replay the images, the feel and taste of his skin, Miles thrusting inside me and I know I’m alone and everyone is pretty much doing something else and I hope I don’t end up being suspicious, but anyway I close my eyes shut, pulling the covers up to cover my face once the door opens, light breaking the silent dead state of the room. 

In the nervous state, my greatest fear is the captain with his desire to catch everyone, but once I feel fingers stroke my cheek through the fabric with the lights now off again, I ease and I do a very audible sigh, which causes a small smirk.

He slides in besides me and I still have my face covered by the fabric in fear, but he pulls the covers and I see Miles and I just pull him closer to kiss him and I feel myself ease a bit, drift off somewhere yet stay pretty strictly in the moment as we both kiss. 

I don’t know what to say as we pull back and he still keeps stroking my cheek, as I lean even closer to him, putting my head on his shoulder and I wonder how much of a bad idea this is to sleep together, even if our crew is pretty much gay

and there’s

Julian. Shit. I open my eyes and I see his breathing slowly start to even out, as his arm is around me and I just slowly curse, hoping that it would stir him, but the only thing it does to Miles is bring me closer to him. 

Fear seems to strangle me as I lay back and his soft kiss on my cheek seems to still slip me into uncounsiosness and the only times I wake during the night is when someone opens the door, checks us out and slips on another bunk, not the one above, thankfully which is what I register, but then it’s more than common to have men sleep with each other, you’d be lying to yourself if you’ve never seen another man lay with another in the navy.

Or you’re in some high rank and men watch their hands when they’re in front of you, like in front of Hince. 

I feel myself woken up, as I wash my face with water, looking down to see the black suit with some dark flower tucked in the pocket and anxiety shuffling through my body, as I look at my reflection before powder gets shoved in my face by some woman, whose face is not too distinguishable and I see that I’m not the only one, a brush is used for my eyebrows and I just keep glancing around to see Pete and Carl with the same procedure.

In the end I am left alone and I just adjust my tie, my hair longer again and I feel a bit joyful, it feels weird to touch it, but I guess it’s been months and I try to recall, break something fragile, but my thoughts don’t wander off too long as I lean against the window sill, lighting a cigarette before seeing a no smoking sticker which I ignore on the wooden blinds. 

I get dragged to the ceremony and I can see silhouettes which should take me, which should mistake me for the groom and I just walk on to the aisle, practicing something which doesn’t make sense. I take small steps, but then I increase my speed, the groom wouldn’t want the attention.

But neither is this a wedding with a bride, so all bestmen should be mistaken for grooms, everyone has the same suit just like Miles and Julian, who are getting married and the joke was on Juju who wanted a dress with a veil, but it’s too strict here. And I see Miles, who is leaning against the altar and I feel my whole self heat up from just looking at him, just like the first time I had seen him and I wonder how many years it’s been and how come he still looks so young, even a bit younger and a different haircut, just a bit grown and he catches my eyes.

I just keep walking and I put my hands in my pocket, as I see Hince smoking a cigarette on the side, flicking the lighter, while humming and I just get even closer to Miles, feeling the silhouettes burst as I don’t hold and I kiss him near the altar, I guess, I’m the one mistaken for the other groom, making way for Julian

I guess I’m not the wolf any longer.

As he kisses me he says Julian’s name and it creeps onto me, but I ignore, clutching tighter onto him, as I feel some warmth slip from under me 

and I open my eyes to see Miles stand up. I feel bewildered and Miles turns around just to put his hand on my hair and stroke me back to sleep, as I try to hold onto the thin threads of the bizarre dream. 

“It’s Juju.” Is what Miles screams in the silver screen of my dream and I keep stirring, feeling Miles’ finger still on my forehead and I start breathing heavier.

The dream carries on, as I think I might even look like Julian with all that powder, but Miles glows too much and I am proceeded through the ceremony, I even get a bouquet which actually makes me ask aloud, not the fact how can two men get married, but why do I have the bouquet and why doesn’t Miles, to which the real Julian laughs and even his hair is longer and why is he in white blood stained trainers?

I see the silhouttes laughing and Ezra shows up to make sure we get the vows right, but he doesn’t seem to be here at some point, as the book just lays there and we have to crook our heads to read it from there. 

I’m sending a priest off, maybe this is the punishment I get

as I feel the silhouettes just take me, some fucking portuguese demons, just like Hince had told me but I yank myself up, bumping my head against the other bunk and I swear, as Miles is on the other bunk and I still feel like we’re alone, as I stand up to check the other bunks and I wonder how the fuck do we have curtains and who the fuck stole them from ashore. 

I still feel like I’m on the wings of my dream and I try to hold myself, I can’t go to anyone, the only person who knows is Hince. I hear Miles stir up.

“Al, you ok?” I shake my head and I’m not even aware of if Miles is adjusted to the dark already and I don’t care, I try not to cry and I just keep biting my lip, still letting the dream play in my head


Ezra clutching me, as in reality Miles stands up, brushes my palm against his and turns on the lights. Maybe I’m sleepwalking, maybe I will forget about it in the day. Instead we go back to my bunk and I close my eyes and I’m sure Miles has the excuse of saying that I’m having a bizarre nightmare, which I am. I still keep shivering

as Ezra comes back in the dream and starts talking, but Miles tries to bring me back and I think the mute words are his as in the dream Miles’ hand slides down my chest and my breathing stops and then I get slapped across the face by Miles

I suddenly sit up, hitting the bunk again.

“What?” I wince and I feel my cheeks actually wet a bit. At least not too much.

“You were sleep talking, pretty anxious, well, making noises. You ok, Al? You even stood up.” Miles asks me concerned and he just pulls me close, not too close, we’re still under the umbrella of friendliness. I just keep up wincing for a while, covering my eyes with my arm and Miles sighs. 

“You want a cigarette?” He suggests and I just nod, as he puts a leg over me to get out, but instead he goes on top of me for a mere second and I take my arm off just to see his concern plastered across his face and I don’t hold and I pull him closer, holding the kiss for a brief while, before he gets out and gets a pack of cigarettes. He lights two and I wish we could’ve shared it, but instead I take my own and I feel myself slowly be in a less anxious haze. 


Ok, I know I skipped yesterday, but THIS IS LIKE NEARLY 3K @___@ 

The whole portuguese tradition caught my eye, as I am a superstitious person to a somewhat stupid extent if to be honest, but it's just some specific ones, so yeah, so reading about this one, I decided to use it as I came across it and I had the idea of doing a one-shot and then I have nano and I missed writing surreal things (but this one surely isn't as surreal as other stuff I've written, like Path (surely the height of that writing period I had xD)) so I was thinking and I decided to stick it in, to be true to nano and not just shove the one-shot into the word count, but use it as a dream, in general when you are writing nano, all is good and all will fit well somehow

and I guess it ended up being much much shorter than I wanted it to be obviously but story wise I'm happy how it is here and how it works here, if to be honest:) but I had much more in mind, but I guess, I'll keep it this way, dreams come back and continue (at least I had that through years) so who knows? :D 

And I guess giving Hince a bunch of Russian literature which I had to be tortured with through school, I decided to give him one of the few Russian novels I've actually enjoyed, so yeah. I'm sorry, but I really don't get people's obsession with Tolstoy or/and Dostoevsky, I mean, there's much better novels to read than waste your time, but hey, this is just me, pretty much. 

Hince's amazing idea came to me and I had written it down on my phone (I've been doing a bunch of notes lately, actually xD). 

And I was thinking if I should end this chapter on a cliffhanger, but I decided not to, keep it simple, so… the big reveal, well, not a big reveal, but something will show up in the next chapter and I think I've decided who the next one who will be sent off be, so yeah, I need it to be a big blow, so yeah. I'm sorry and I'm guessing it will happen in the next chapters, so yeah

oh and I forgot to say that initially I was really musing about the fact if I should make Alex a bit cruel, and initially he wasn't going to go to deep into the fact that he's sending off Ezra, but yeah

I hope you enjoyed it and yeah, feel free to request


To Miles 14

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