Tuesday, 5 November 2013

To Miles 5

I recall how it had been when I was tucked in the hospital and with nurses changing everyday and how they had kept checking my temperature and when I awake from my dream and I glance at a sleeping Miles, I know that dreams are a cocktail of all your dreams.

Shit, I want him.

I slide back into my dream.

He’s there, my hair is longer and not the awful cut we all hold and Miles is longer, his fringe much longer and it’s curled at the sides and it’s too much and I’m in hospital robes and a nurse still walks in to check on my temperature and I’m not feverish anymore and Miles grabs the curtains holding me from the rest of the room and he closes them.

I gulp, watching him.

The hair falls on my eyes, something which I don’t even recall after all these years of training and working in the navy. 

“You look gorgeous.” He tells me and goes on top of me and I feel my throat still sore from whatever I have and I don’t know what my age is and I don’t know who is younger as we keep kissing and I pull him tighter, closer, as Miles takes off his shirt off and I start kissing his chest all over, tracing his body and I still hear beeps coming from other patients and I turn my head to see something behind the curtains, but instead he pulls me out of all the clothing and lays me down on the bed.

And I don’t know why but I feel like an angel all of a sudden, anxiety riding me as I keep kissing him back

and I wake up, to try and sit up and I hit my head against the top bunk. 

“Shit.” I mutter, rubbing the sore area, wishing I could get some ice, but I feel to embarrassed to walk back to the kitchen and steal some ice and I hear Julian stir and I check my wrist for the watch and I know that soon enough everyone else will wake up and I should get the fuck out of here and I should find Hince. 

“Hey.” And I hear Miles whisper and I just stand up, making my way to the door, maybe trying to distance myself, but I hear him stand up as well and well, it’s dark and everyone is asleep and I feel his lips upon my neck again, softly. 

“Miles.” I whisper and I don’t know what I feel, I want him, but I should really report and everything is going out of hand. He keeps kissing me and eventually we walk out and close the door behind us and I realize that I’m shaking with fear and Miles himself is very sleepy, as he yawns, covering his mouth, but he looks lovely.

“Can we go out for a smoke?” I ask, anxiously, desperate to get something soothing in my body and Miles just shrugs, putting his arm around my back and we walk our way outside. I notice that he’s barefoot only when he takes out a pack of cigarettes and offers me one and I take it, seeing that he didn’t get one for himself and I just pass the cigarette onto him as he inhales, never putting his gaze off me and I see his lust and even care.

I just look down at the dark sea and I see the stars even if they are a bit dimmed by the city and some are blinded by the clouds.

Miles puts his hand to my hair and smiles.

“You look good with bed hair and when it’s not slicked back.” Miles keeps smiling as we pass the cigarette to each other. 

“I looked better when I had it longer, but my dad said it looked awful and chopped it all off.”  I sigh, recalling how I had managed to get it longer and I had enjoyed it going for an Oscar Wilde look and frankly, saying that I had went for a look like the Irish writer, that made it even worse, but that was surely my favourite hair. I keep my silence. “I thought Oscar Wilde was cool and he was anything close you’d find to anything queer. So I had went for that.”

“This.” I point to my floopy hair. “Is just navy.”

“Yeah, I know, but you look lovely, Al.” Miles says and leans closer to me and for a second I believe him as I feel the stars not just in the sky but within him and we kiss and I know it’s not a good idea and I might have to give him away if I get questioned, but for that moment and that night, the kiss was meant to be. It wasn’t our first and I really hope not our last and when we heard someone else open the door and close it soon afterwards, Miles’ arm just went to my shoulder and we were just there, standing, naked to the heterosexual eye. 

If neither of them had been fired yet, I don’t think they will, unless it’s from my own hand. 

“What about you, Miles?” I ask as we just light a second cigarette and share it among each other as well.

“Oh, I just chopped it all off, figured either all of nothing, really. Well, not all of it, but it’s still really short.” I kiss him temple and he hugs me for a while and we stay there, quiet as I see the sky slowly grasping onto lighter colours.

“We should get some sleep, Miles.” I say and I turn to kiss him. He holds the kiss and he pulls me with him.

I don’t think I’ll be able to sneak out again.

“I’ll be back. Ok?” I ask him and he just nods, stroking my arm. I avoid his gaze for a bit but then look up just to recieve another kiss and I pull him closer to me, feeling his whole body against mine and with every second it gets worse, I pull him closer, feeling both of get too excited as we start making out even heavier, but in the end we both pull away.

“Give me time.” I say and kiss his cheek. I’m lying. I don’t need time, I do, but

Miles walks off, turning around and I hope he doesn’t think I’m committing suicide and I wait for a while and I stay on the same level as the deck and I try to fix my hair, but I’m sure it looks terrible. I exhale all the air I’ve got in my lungs and I start knocking, softly at first but then I think a sudden loud noise is better than something long, which would cause suspicion. 

“Who the fuck is it?” I hear a loud grumble and I start knocking louder and in the end the door opens and a man shorter than me, Captain Hince, blinks at the sudden light and turns on his own. “What the fuck, do you want to wash the decks by yourself the whole damne-”

“I’m Petty Officer Turner, sir.” I say and salute and frankly, I’m a mess and I don’t have my hat. Everything will have to be ironed in the morning, when I will properly wake up. Hince rubs his eyes and I look at his thin gold chain around his neck. 

“Oh.” He sounds sarcastic and he wants to close the door, before he gets some thought into his head and instead he gestures me to walk in. “Yeah, sorry about that, Turner. Just that you woke me up and frankly, I didn’t think... you’d catch someone so fast.”

I gulp and I feel uncomfortable as he offers me some cigarettes as he lights one for himself, taking a robe and slipping himself in it as he doesn’t seem to fish out the words in me as he tries to keep awake.

“Ok, tell me, who’s the faggot.” I feel stung.

“Um. I don’t...” Hince looks at me, a bit bored and he’s chewing the cigarette and I see War and Peace on his desk. He starts playing with the box of cigarettes. “I think I saw his stripes, Petty Officer Second Class, but he gave me his nickname.”

My mouth goes dry.

“What’s the nickname? Unless it’s some gay codename, I don’t want it.” He chuckles. Hince seems to be amused and I just stand there, not moving, because any movement might cause concern from his side, but then so does lack of movement. “But I guess, give me some insight.”

“He said his nickname was Cookie.” And the bullet is shot and I see the poor drunk man now shot in that cubicle we had both been in. And Hince raises his eyebrows. “He, um, sucked me off, Sir.”

“Well, that was more than graphic.” Hince makes a face and I’m sure he thinks we’ve done more and surely something I’d miss among the rumors ignorant people spread out, maybe they think that we practice some form of Satanism as well. I don’t know. But he continues. “I know Cookie, he’s a good mechanic, but well, gay, so all his qualities are gone in my eyes.”

And I see him smile, pleased as he stretches lightly, as if all the morning was filled entirely.  Then a curious questions seems to appear upon his lips and I just wait until he fires it away, breathing out smoke slowly, watching me amused, maybe thinking that he can catch another homosexual sinner. 

“Do you have a...” He glances at my hands. “Girlfriend, Turner? Because well, let’s say the public won’t be excited about another slip.”

“I do.” I say nearly enthusiastically and I wish I had the picture of me and Lana with me, which was taken once onboard and we had both been bored, but decided that if we don’t take a photo now, we never will and frankly we don’t look like a couple and the camera was cranky that day, so we are just glaring at the screen, but it’s still something to remember her by. 

“Does she know about your ‘other’ job, Turner?” And I see a bookmark sticking out of the War and Peace book and I wonder how much more will he be able to go through without gagging. I glance back at him and shake my head. “Good, women shouldn’t know this and even if she would, you’re not really cheating, you’re either getting sucked off by a faggot or you fuck ‘em. And if you fuck ‘em, fuck ‘em good, so that they’ll ache for the next century.”

I stare but then I nod, of course, of course, Captain Hince.

“Don’t even let them get near your ass, Turner, don’t go to hell for catching some faggot.” He hesitates and opens a new cigarette box and stretches me out one, but I refuse and Hince doesn’t smoke a second one. I glance around his room, seeing a photo of a woman with a child on his bed table, tilted towards the bed, so I can’t see it properly. “And frankly why would you when you’ve got the lovely lady on shore, right?”

And he smiles.

I gulp, watching him and he just stands up and pats me on the shoulder. 

“Don’t worry, report anytime, I understand that your safety is important, because this ship is crawling with these devils and you are the angel which is sacrificing himself for us. God bless you, son.” I don’t think I’m the same angel as I was in the dream and I excuse myself to rest up and Hince only tells me that indeed, my balls need to rest and since I wasn’t facing him, I make a face and I walk away, back to the bunks.

I take off my clothes and open the coffin locker, feeling someone’s gaze upon me. 

I look up to see Juju looking at me. Shit.

“Go to sleep, Turner.” He mumbles and closes his eyes.

I quickly undress and go hide behind the curtains, too scared to even check on Miles.

And in the night I ask for forgiveness, Miles’ taste lingering in my mouth, an image of Hince dancing to a celebratory moment in my mind and Cookie’s death still in my thought only now I see him confused and blaming on whoever had walked in on us and I try to breathe deeper, inhaling the smell of the ship, even some salt in the air and I start shivering, letting myself crawl into a ball and I sleep, wondering why had I kissed Miles, when I have to catch other men and report

and that both of us are just falling into this slowly. 


And I have to blame THAT photo of Alex wherehedoesn'tahavehairgelandhe'sillandshdschsdchdskj

and that inspired me to write.

And it went on and Milex happened and I nearly made them have sex, but I held strong. I HELD STRONG T__T (tears of regret) because the more happens now, the more it will ache D: 

so... um... let's see where it goes for now. 


And Hince was s'posed to not care... but yeah, shifted and well, he's err... I feel bad for choosing Jamie as the Captain because I'm quite fond of him, but him being the Captain kind of came naturally xD but yeah a lot of the characters I feel bad for either killing them in the future, sending them off or making them assholes, well, the novel is the novel, really.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and feel free to request the next one:3

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