Saturday, 9 July 2016

England's Not Breathing 4

I'm sure I flattered him in some odd way and I end up over thinking it, as we get the beer and go back to Pete. After all, who am I to kid that the blokes here don't play on tonight's attraction and that lasts throughout the night or the first few minutes, but all ends once one comes or depending if the bloke was nice, it lasts until the other finishes as well. Damon crosses my mind as the partner of the night, but we are already sitting on the table with a scribbling Pete who is tapping to the music, heard so many times from me dragging him here. Now, Damon is watching Scarfo play as well. I wish I was the one with the notebook, so I just lean in to ask Pete.

“I thought you wouldn't come back.” Pete says instead, poking me with a pencil. “I thought you were gonna ditch poor Jamie and run off with Damon. Then, I'd get Jamie to myself.”

“Bollocks. I've got my eye on the prize, don't you worry.” I smirk, watching Damon swinging from side to side and sipping his beer in big gulps. I wonder about Jamie, how he looks and he's a frequent visitor of my dreams and thoughts. I've even guiltily touched myself to him, barely sleeping that night that I should've really not done it. But then who hasn't wanked to a crush?

I felt guilty even eyeing Damon, as if anything had ever happened between me and Jamie. I was always terribly afraid of cheating even if I had never done it, I was scared that one day I'd just wake up in the wrong man's bed and that would be it and the love of my life would be astray. But as if I were my own psychologist I told myself to try and stay in the moment, that I should really enjoy Jamie's band and Damon's kind acceptance to introduce me to Jamie. I've been awfully depressed usually up to the point that my first suicidal thoughts which I would never admit to anyone came to me as a child, just because I was so bored that I started thinking of ending my life, because nothing held meaning and being a child isn't fun at all. I thought of the easiest ways which my parents would hand me on a plate, saying that this and that would kill me instantly.

I lit a cigarette, watching Jamie shyly sing and I wondered how did he ever get the confidence and it's in those moments when you try and believe that you managed to understand a person and that only justifies your attraction, as if it makes it easier and somehow works in the mind. Damon sometimes looks back to smile at me, as if knowing everything which is going in my mind and whirling out all these thoughts, which I would never dare to utter out loud somehow. Then Damon turns around, looking at me. I really feel like if I had wanted to score, I would've.

“Can I talk or are you too immersed, which is absolutely fine.” He says with a rather broad smile and I stare at his light hair, wondering if he is one of those people who know they look good in the mirror. Because I'd only dread looking in the mirror with my glasses or without them. But without had its advantages, I wouldn't have to see myself, instead it's a blur and a blur can be attractive. Maybe I should've gone with someone as blind as I am. I never boasted confidence and spoke quite quietly. Shy of my height so I do hunch a little. I'm all around shy of myself. Pete pokes me with a pencil, reminding me that I am spacing out to which I just rub the hit area.

“No, no, you're fine-” I start speaking and smiling back at his contagious smile.

“He's more interested in shagging the poor fellow.” Pete interrupts me, grinning and I just want him to stop speaking all together, but he doesn't ever. He's always like the little devil which people manage to hear on my shoulder.

I wonder if he had wanted to invite me to dance to them, but I figured that I had blown all my chances dancing, so perhaps it were alright to talk. I wouldn't let my eye off Jamie though, I'd keep staring for sure which was something which wouldn't shoo off any of my companions. I do wonder what possibly could Damon speak of, because my mind was blank besides Scarfo blasting in my mind and Pete is the only one besides me and Damon who is doing something else, which is scribbling what appears to be a rough draft of his homework. At least I could only hope that it is a rough draft. I could see him handing it to the teacher without doubt, since now he had set his mind on a solo career and while I had more than full on faith in poor Pete, he surely needed to progress and actually set something in his mind other than talking about it or scribbling how he'd have groupies in all possible positions in his notebooks. Also he would have to actually do some lyrics. There was surely a lot of things which Pete had to do and he wasn't doing.

“So how long have you been watching Scarfo and Jamie up close?” Damon asked.

“Years. Years. Can't you see our beards?” Pete smirked, looking up from his three way with groupies on paper. I truly wished him to get such acrobatic young men, as I quickly stole a glance at the sheet of paper. Then I focused on being angry at my best friend.

“Months, it's not that bad.” But the moment it left my mouth, I realized how sad it was and how much it showed that I literally had no belief in myself.

“And you had no guts to approach Jamie?” Damon tried to hold back a smile, but it was clearly seeping through and I felt embarrassed of my own shyness, which had truly led me to drag Pete here so often and first it was only a few times a month, until it became like an obsession and Pete was right – it's not like I really enjoyed going to a pub to drink, it was really just to let my mind paint different things while watching Jamie and only guessing what the young man had gone through with his band and how had his past looked like.

“I would tell him to, but Graham here would be like nooooo.” Pete said, back to his paper and drawing on the acrobatic male's pubes at the same time. I nearly yanked the sheet of paper from him, wanting to show it to Damon as a different conversation, since I wanted a distraction and something else for them to fuss about rather than my non-existent love life and wonder what was wrong with me. I glanced at both, hoping that they would drop the subject.

I couldn't tell something like fear holding me back from approaching Jamie, as if you should never approach a musician you admire in order to not get disappointed and overall I knew my attraction to Jamie was rather high, so I decided to leave it at bay rather than act on it. But none of those things were anything I wanted to discuss with someone who was still a stranger to me, even if it occurred to me that we could hook up somehow, since the attraction for a night was there. It didn't require much to hook up, it was the initial curiosity which would do the trick and held the cock up high.

I just shrugged, as if it were no big deal and simply because I didn't want this to drag on further, so Damon just drank from his pint, watching me. I wasn't going to say anything else and I was confident in my stupid decisions as well. I wondered if I had to fess up to it, but instead I just pretended to be listening more to Jamie's music than mindless chatter which was bordering on humiliating me.


It took me over a year, but I think everyone knows that I have a rough time with my mental health. So now I'm back and picking up old stories, updating them and giving them some love. I missed this story and it means a lot to me because Blur was my first bandfic which I truly fell in love with. 

A lot of the backbone of the story was me thinking of hookups and attraction which kind of threads through out the whole chapter between Damon and Graham, as they both noticed each other. 

I started listening to Scarfo as I was writing this chapter, but that ended up being too distracting and made me want to write some Brian/Jamie instead, but I wanted to stick with my path and have more of this chapter as I did it in two goes, today and yesterday. 

It was really hard to write and I'd do something like 100 words per song, since I was away for so long and my mood was a bit all over the place and I didn't really know what I felt like writing innerly, but my mind wanted to finish this chapter:)

Sometimes it's hard to come back to stories I haven't written in a while, sometimes it's more than okay. 

I really hope you enjoyed it and thank you for all your support



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